Why Your "At Bat" Music Sucks Balls

Before we get into the crux of today's blog post, we have a little house keeping for you. We finally have airfare to St. Louis. Holy smokes, sports fans, it's true! We officially have travel arrangements for our stadium tour that's been planned for close to 6 months. Nothing like waiting til' the last minute. Huzzah!

Serena will be traveling up to Boston this weekend to visit Erin and they'll be checking out a game at Fenway (and mayyyyybe a stadium tour, if we can). You'll get a blog post on it, but not until next week. Lisa will decide whether or not you're worthy of a solo blog from her on Sunday, so if you want one, don't piss her off between now and then. Also, it would help if you buttered her up. Just sayin'.

So now for tonight's topic. Have you ever been to a game and noticed that your favorite players have terrible taste in music? Why doesn't someone quality control that shit? If we were in charge of DJ-ing duties at Yankees Stadium or Citi Field, some of that garbage would simply not fly. For example, Brett Gardiner and John Buck have god awful taste in music. It's truly terrible. In fact, at our last Mets game, Serena made a comment about stabbing a screwdriver through her eardrum rather than listen to it. Even TOWSNBN has made poor choices in this arena (and also in his personal life, but we're not going to go there right now). The man comes to the plate to The Luniz's "I Got 5 On It," which is basically about smoking weed. We're willing to ignore the fact that TOWSNBN has obviously embraced smoking weed, but we're not willing to ignore the fact that he's white. When you are as caucasian as TOWSNBN, you should stop pretending that you're a "gangsta" and admit that you listen to AC/DC, Kid Rock...or Dido. Therefore, to combat this never ending issue, we've decided to offer better alternatives to what these idiots think is quality "pump me up" music.

When choosing your "at bat" music, you want to choose a song that not only pumps you up, but us up as well. Because we're selfish. We want to cheer you on and spit foul things at the opposing team on your behalf. When you step up to the plate, listening to The Bieber, it makes us question your sexuality. It does not make us think, "KICK HIS ASS, C-BASS!" Please do not defend these poor decisions with "oh, but I have young girly fans" or "oh, but I have a 5 on my jersey." For starters, you're a child molester if that's your mentality and secondly, just stop. If every player came to the plate to music featuring his jersey number, we'd end up listening to a crap-ton of Sesame Street songs. Also, if you've been coming to the plate to same F*CKING song for the last 4 years, you need to change it up. We're now bored with you. We don't care if your song is super awesome. Stop being a boring lame ass. If you're from New York, you'll no longer be coming to the plate to Jay-Z and/or Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind." Enough already. We've had enough. Note: if we cannot understand the lyrics to your "at bat" song, we cannot get motivated to support you. We're not pointing fingers at anyone in particular, but we DO want to point out that we were super excited about disposing of Carlos Beltran and his music catalogue and now we have Ruben Tejada. Interpret that as you will.

Here are examples of acceptable songs to saunter up to the plate to:

• Anything by AC/DC is encouraged. Everyone (or at least 98% of the human population) knows their songs and they're bad ass.
• You can come out to rap music (not you, TOWSNBN, YOU need to stick to a different genre), but it's gotta be a good song! Puff Daddy's "Come with Me," in which he musically raped Led Zeppelin fans everywhere, is NOT acceptable. If you want to rock out to the instrumental hook of that song, just go with the original (aka: "Kashmir"). Why not Eminem's "Til' I Collapse," Tupac's "California Love," Kanye West's "Ni**as in Paris," Biggie's "Hypnotize," or Dr. Dre's "Next Episode?"
• Aerosmith - "Rag Doll" or "Love in an Elevator"
• Guns N Roses "Welcome to the Jungle." If this song doesn't get a person pumped, they're a corpse.
• Metallica's "Sad But True"
• Beastie Boys' "Brass Monkey," "Sabotage," or "So What'cha Want"
• Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"
• Incubus' "Nice to Know You"
• Disturbed's "Down with the Sickness"
• Ram Jam's "Black Betty"
• Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name"
• Trapt's "Headstrong"
• House of Pain's "Jump Around"
• Finally, if you can't make a decision, your best bet is to just go with a movie theme. Try the Top Gun anthem, Rocky Balboa anthem, the James Bonds theme (let's face it, he gets more ass than a proctologist, so you're safe with him), Batman, The Imperial March, or The A-Team. Just a few examples.

This week's baseball notes:
The Yankees have put Serena's Big Texan on the 15-day DL with a strained left trapezius muscle. For those of you unfamiliar with the inner-workings of your body, that muscle is located in your upper back area. While we suppose that you can strain or pull or tear or whatever ANY muscle in your body, how the hell do you strain the trap muscles? We've never heard of such a thing. We can't even imagine how you go about straining those particular muscles. The man was not practicing advanced yoga asanas on the mound when he sustained this injury, so what the hell? The Big Texan is the 13th player the Yankees have placed on the DL this year. This has prompted a slew of crap about how the Yankees so-called "magic" is going to hold up. Listen here, a-holes. The Yankees do not have "magic." If Harry Potter was currently on the active roster, trust us when we say that we'd already have those jerseys. How do you NOT buy that jersey? You know he's going to be unhittable and an epic offensive player (Yeah, that's right. On his off days, he'd patrol the outfield on his broom and hit massive home runs). He defeated Voldemort for crissakes! Clearly, he can defeat the Boston Red Sox.

Zack Greinke made his first return to MLB action since being activated from the DL on Wednesday night against the Nationals. He threw 5 1/3 innings of 1-run ball over 83 pitches. He even got himself an RBI single. Lookie loo.

There's apparently an internet campaign brewing to give Mariano Rivera the honor of starting his last All Star Game (which is weird), but he politely declined, saying his prefer to close. He's quoted as saying, "It would mess everything up. It would be the first time I've started, I think, since 1995. I don't think it would be right. I'd rather close the game than start the game."

Serena is Epic. End of Story.

Last week, we were dying to know what you thought tigers dreamed of when they took a little tiger snooze. 4 of you believe that they dreamed of Halle Berry in a Catwoman suit while 2 of you thought they dreamed of mauling zebras. Right on.

So this weekend, the TBB Wolfpack will be joined by one (Jess) in a magnificent celebration of the birth of Fred K’s Cancer, Inc’s Presidente. For those who are ignorant, we are talking about Serena. We’ll be heading into the city tomorrow afternoon to check in at the famous Waldorf Astoria (where David Wright will not meet us yet again), partake in some delicious dessert at Serendipity 3 (where we once had a date with Alex Rodriguez…he might make an appearance for dinner), before eating dinner at Ninja NYC. After hours, however, is when the party starts. We will get sexified back at the hotel (which will require lots and lots of makeup and hair product and probably some squeezing and tucking) and head out to undisclosed locations to drink our faces off and dance our big booties off.

In a disturbing turn of events, no one has entered our contest to win going to Mets Opening Day with Lisa. Do not fear, there is still time to enter as the deadline is April 1st. However, why hasn’t anyone entered yet? Is it Lisa or the fact that it’s METS Opening Day? For the sake of the children and Lisa’s self esteem, we’re going to assume that it’s the fact that it’s the Mets. Email to enter.

We teased with you with a secret last week and we’re now finally able to tell you what the actual secret is. Serena will be leaving our current employer for a job at Autism Speaks by the end of March. This means several things. 1. Lisa will now have to eat lunch by herself, 2. blogging will be relocating from Friday to Sunday starting in April, 3. Mobile blogging will cease to exist as we will now be blogging from Serena’s living room while eating chips and watching The Goonies (with an occasional excursion to Crumbs Bakery), and 4. Ben Affleck will no longer be a problem for us. Do not fret, TBB fans, change is good.

Now for the baseball notes:
Zack Greinke will begin the season on the 15-day DL with a hairline fracture…something he earned during a pick-up basketball game.

Justin Morneau was welcomed back to the field with open arms by his teammates and his fans while Serena welcomed him back to bed with other open limbs (this is coming 8 months after the concussion that ended his 2010 season). According to MLB.com, Morneau is quoted as saying he “had butterflies.” He’s looking forward to seeing Serena again in May, because “every time I lay my eyes on her, it’s like love at first sight.” Since he actually reported to work for the first time in 8 months (honestly, we don’t blame him since we never want to go to work), Serena’s future husband is our Super Hero of the Week.

Happy Early St. Patty’s Day…celebrate accordingly. It IS a religious holiday. Always designate a driver and wear green. Lisa accommodates these traditions and she isn’t even Irish. So do it. Boom. Encouragement.

“The 12 Days of Torture,” Written by the TBB & Performed New York Baseball

Last week’s blog posting was dominated by yet another rant about Cliff Lee, which is probably pretty pathetic, but that’s what he and his wife gets for hogging the baseball media. We asked you what you felt was most influential in getting Cliff Lee to sign with the Phillies. 5 of you think that Mrs. Lee had something to do with it because she’s got bigger balls than the ones her husband throws from the mound. That’s quite a pair then. 1 person felt that Lee just missed Philly Cheesesteak sandwiches and obnoxious fans with a passion equivalent to that of Spartan soldier defending the passage of Thermompylae. We’re pretty confident that you voted for that choice only because you love the movie, 300, but we’re not going to hold it against you because we love it too. 2 people were actually somewhat lucid and decided that Lee just wanted to be a member of a HISTORIC pitching staff like the Phillies.

The Royals traded former Cy Young Zack Greinke to the Brewers, acquiring shortstop Alcides Escobar, outfielder Lorenzo Cain, and RHP prospects Jack Odorizzi and Jeremy Jeffress. The Brewers also received shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt and “cash considerations.” The Brewers snagged Shaun Marcum from the Blue Jays in an earlier trade this offseason, making it clear that the Brewers’ focus is pitching. Royals’ GM, Dayton Moore said that this deal made sense for Kansas City because the young players acquired in this trade fit into the “wave of promising prospects coming up through their farm system.” With the departure of Greinke, we can’t foresee the Royals being much of a contender for the next few years.

Pedro Feliciano took the subway across town from Flushing to the Bronx (both areas REALLY super nice places to visit) by signing a 2-year deal worth $8 million with the Yankees. The deal is pending him passing a physical. Last season, Feliciano appeared in 92 games for the Mets with lefties hitting just .211 against him. He’s expected to compliment Boone Logan, another leftie, in the bullpen. Serena’s not really sure she’s excited by this. She’s had plain bagels more stimulating than this news.

Last week, we talked about a little rumor regarding Rich Harden and the Oakland A’s. On Tuesday afternoon, the A’s “officially” announced that Harden resigned with his original team for $1.5 million/1-year after he passed his physical earlier that morning. Since Harden is most likely going to be utilized out of the bull pen, he will have cozy access to BFFer, which we’re sure is going to be SUCH a treat to Harden. We hear he’s a fantastic wing man, guaranteeing that his friends walk away from Dave & Buster’s with loads of dating options. At the very least, Harden will be able to sharpen his bowling and skee ball skills. Super.

The Red Sox signed Bobby Jenks to a 2-year/$12 million contract this week. Jenks had previously functioned predominantly as a closer, but in Beantown, he’ll be serving as a set up man to the creepy Jonathan Lithgow…oh, we meant Jonathan Papelbon. Sorry. It’s so easy to get them confused. We’ll repeat: the Red Sox signed Bobby Jenks. The Yankees signed Pedro Feliciano. My, the Yankees are looking mighty productive this off season! We can barely contain our awe. Thank goodness the Mets signed…wait…um…they signed no one. God, this is so awkward…can we talk about this later?

In actual fun news, on Monday, we’ll be driving up to Cooperstown to visit the Baseball Hall of Fame and Doubleday Field, so we’ll make sure to post pictures of our little excursion (if you can call a 9-hour roundtrip drive “little”) next week. Sexxxxxxxxxxxy.

Now without further ado, we present to you “The 12 Days of Torture:”
On the first day of Christmas, the Mets gave to us brand new management!
On the second day of Christmas, the Yankees gave to us two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t. And brand new management!
On the third day of Christmas, the Mets gave to us lots of no name players. Two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t and brand new management!
On the fourth day of Christmas, the New York teams didn’t get Cliff Lee! Lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the fifth day of Christmas, the New York teams gave to us no golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the sixth day of Christmas, the Mets gave to us "supposedly" cheaper seats! Nooooooooo golden rings! Didn't get Cliff Lee, lot's of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the seventh day of Christmas, the Yankees gave to us Pedro Felciano. Supposedly cheaper seats, noooooooooo golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the eighth day of Christmas, the Mets gave to us the news that we get to keep Carlos Beltran! Whatever happened to Murphy? Pedro Feliciano, supposedly cheaper seats, noooooooooo golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the ninth day of Christmas, the Yankees gave to us a new starting catcher. Carlos Beltran is staying, what happened to Murphy, Pedro Feliciano, supposedly cheaper seats, noooooooooo golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the tenth day of Christmas, the Mets emailed us a Happy Holidays card. Brand new starting catcher, Carlos Beltran is staying, what happened to Murphy, Pedro Feliciano, supposedly cheaper seats, noooooooooo golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Yankees emailed us too! Happy Holidays email, brand new starting catcher, Carlos Beltran is staying, what happened to Murphy, Pedro Feliciano, supposedly cheaper seats, noooooooooo golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the twelfth day Christmas, the New York teams gave us a big F you! Happy Holidays emails, brand new starting catcher, Carlos Beltran is staying, what happened to Murphy, Pedro Feliciano, supposedly cheaper seats, noooooooooo golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!

So have a very historic holiday and to all a good night!

We hope that those celebrating will enjoy their Christmas and Kwanzaa festivities and we apologize for totally screwing up Chanukah. Happy belated Chanukah. Our bad.