The Bearded Menace

It's that time of year folks. It's time to discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly regarding facial around the league. Let's just get right down to it because to be quite frank, there's a whole lot of nasty floating around out there to be discussed. 

First up is Brian Wilson. What. The. Flying. F*ck. What the hell can you even say about this? It looks like he glued an afro wig from Party City to his face. And then braided it. 

As usual, this a-hole made it to the sh*t list. Jayson Werth. We never think it's possible for him to get worse than he already is, but then the next season rolls around and he manages to outdo the shi*t show from the year before. How? How does he continue to astound us with his terrible grooming habits? How is it even possible? His hair defies the laws of logic. Is he that hairy everywhere???

So...Josh Beckett decided to grow a Brillo pad on his chin. Because this is considered sexy now? 

Is Tim Lincecum joking? His haircut was bad enough and now he's grown this pathetic little upper lip caterpillar. We tried to find a cartoon character that we could reference in order to make fun of him, but truth be told, even Jafar has a better moustache than Timmy. 

Finally, let's move on to the champions of facial hair. Let's welcome first timer to our blog, Tanner Roark to the list. 

Vastly improved from last year, no?

 

Chris Young shows young men everywhere how to rock a perfectly groomed beard without appearing to have used a stencil in order to do it. Or an eyeliner to pencil in the aforementioned facial hair.

Brandon Morrow? Yes. Nicely done, good sir. We likie. You stay classy. 

Jeff Bianchi gives Justin Verlander a run for his money in the 5:00 shadow beard department. We have no idea who he is, but Lisa accidentally found him on The Google. Meow. 

It was a struggle this year, folks. It's becoming increasingly more challenging to find the good eggs in a nest of beard vipers. Why can't you f*cking a-holes just shave your goddamn beards properly? Is it for attention? Because that's pathetic. 

Serena's Random Musings

I spent the entire weekend in yoga teacher training, as I have done every other weekend since September 15th. The experience has been fulfilling, but exhausting. For someone who doesn't sleep well to begin with (I get about 2-4 hours each night), it's tough to physically and mentally dedicate time to blogging with Lisa during the YTT weekends. As you may have noticed, this has resulted in either Lisa taking the reins or us simply skipping the blog altogether during these particular weekends. I offered to take responsibility for this week's post to ease the load from Lisa's plate, but having only gotten roughly 6 total hours of sleep since Friday, the prospect of crafting a well-thought out blog after coming home from the yoga studio tonight was rather unappealing. Lisa assured me that I didn't have to do it. We could just skip a blog post this week and pick things back up again next weekend. Initially, I was okay with that decision. However, after showering, I did feel a little guilty about posting a "I'm sorry that I'm so tired, maybe next week" Facebook post.

Now here we are.

I am not going to promise an in-depth look at this week in baseball or even an in-depth look at a particular topic that strikes my fancy. I am not going to even promise you a sexy blog post filled with flowery prose and fancy "SAT" words that may or may not require you to Google their meanings. I am too tired and spent for any of that and truth be told, in 45 minutes, I plan on ending my night decompressing while rubbing Arnica gel on my knee and watching the newest episode of The Walking Dead. I am simply going to give you my thoughts on what interested me this week. Basic. To the best of my ability. You'll have to forgive me if this post does not live up to your expectations, however by this point in our blog-reader relationship, you really should only have limited expectations in regards to what we produce here.

Here we go:
1. Ken Griffey Jr.'s Instagram account. If you have Instagram, I recommend you follow him @therealkengriffeyjr. Aside from the fact that you'll be following one of baseball's greatest gifts, his posts are pure gold. He doesn't post often, but there's nothing fake about any of them and his "Throw Back Thursday" pictures alone are worth the follow. Hair and sweaters, people. Hair and sweaters. That's all I have to say.
2. Miguel Cabrera & the AL MVP Award. I suppose that his season's numbers dictate that he deserved to win the award, but having owned Cabrera this year in one of my fantasy leagues, I can attest to the fact that he spent an awful lot of time not playing due to injury. I'm not implying that these injuries weren't legitimate. I'm simply saying that since Mike Trout was physically capable of contributing more time and effort to his team, that he a) increased his likelihood in "failing" due to more opportunity (which would then lead to lower overall numbers) and b) was a more reliable asset to his team. I think reliability is more important that overall numbers. I do not think that numbers always tell the full story. Sure, perhaps if Cabrera is healthy all season, he still blows Trout out of the water, but also maybe if Cabrera is healthy, the Tigers don't lose to the Red Sox in the postseason. Maybe the Tigers go to the World Series. Maybe they don't. We'll never know. I just think that his inconsistent availability should have been taken into consideration when selecting the MVP.
3. The Rookie of the Year Award. I think that winning this award can be misleading. Some players are like shooting stars. They are bright, beautiful, breathtaking, but also impermanent, fleeting. They start with a loud, brilliant bang like a firework, but then fail to repeat that success ever again. They become a disappointment to their local fan base and to fantasy owners, whereas elsewhere, the country shifts its attention to a new rising star. The former is forgotten. Granted, this doesn't happen to every Rookie of the Year, but it happens enough that I feel like this award doesn't hold weight. Or at least shouldn't hold the weight that it currently does. Why did this player have such a successful season? Is it that he's the real deal or because he's new and opposing teams haven't quite figured him out yet? Is it a combination of both of these factors? The fact is that we won't know the answer to these questions until their sophomore or even their junior effort. I think instead of a Rookie of the Year, the MLB should institute a Sophomore of the Year. That opens so many more avenues. Think of how some players mature in their second, third year (or on the flip side, think of how some players' development stall). The maturation process is where the magic happens. Think of how an erratic Randy Johnson became...well, Randy Johnson.
4. Brian Wilson's beard. Enough is enough. Shave the f*cking thing. Trim it back. Wax. Do something. To walk away from a job opportunity like pitching for the Yankees (or any team, to be quite frank) because of some creepy emotional attachment to the bush growing on your face is a sign of some kind of deep seeded issue. Or perhaps an obsession with 1970's porn. I don't know. I do know that if I lived with Brian Wilson, I'd shave half of it while he slept so that he'd have no choice but to deal with it. Though even that might not provoke action because based on the beard's current condition, it's obvious that he doesn't care about looking like a total a-hole.

That is all for this evening. Next week you'll have us together again for a joint blog post.

-Serena

2013 Stadium Tour Planning

Last week, we talked about our New Year's resolutions for this blog. Not for us personally because we both know that we'll never achieve our far-fetched resolutions and there's no sense in setting us up for failure. We asked how many resolutions you foresaw us fulfilling. Only 3 of you d*ckheads voted, so thanks for being so aweeeeesome (said sarcastically). 2 of you said 50% of them (which is actually pretty positive), but there was no way we were meeting TOWSNBN. 1 a$$ face said we'd fulfill 1. And that's only because you thought we'd win a Halloween costume contest. You're a fart smeller. And you eat farts too.

Last week, we also created this fun online quiz to see how well you know us. It turns out you don't know sh*t! Who the hell have we been sleeping with these last few years?! The highest score anyone achieved was 47% and someone actually scored a 20%. Are you kidding us??? ARE. YOU. KIDDING. US. This quiz will be available until Opening Day. We suggest you do your homework and study up on this blog and the fabulous bitches that write it. Your ignorance is truly flabbergasting.

So...we know that we dropped the bomb on you last week by changing our 2013 stadium touring plans. We apologize. It wasn't personal. We know how much you were looking forward to seeing us in cowboy hats and to be honest, so were we. It just didn't work out this year. Things have been tight and we simply cannot afford to take off 2 weeks to act like a-holes in Texas/Arizona. Unless you'd like to "sponsor" our traveling, we need to scale back this year and settle on a short, fiscally responsible tour. Hence, Missouri. We began doing our midwest research. Apparently, tornado season (according to The Google Machine) is mid-March through June. That's a large chunk of the baseball season. Therefore, we're planning on flying into St. Louis on or around July 18th (you totally wanted to knows this, you pack of f*cking stalkers). We'll rent a car and use St. Louis as our home base, hitting a Cardinals/Padres game on Friday night. We're contemplating a stadium tour while in town as well since it's only $10. In addition, we have lofty plans on visiting the famous arch, a free concert weekend concert series, multiple breweries, and the River City Casino to further enable Lisa's gambling addiction. We'll drive 3 hours west to Kansas City on either Saturday or Sunday to see the Royals take on the Tigers (Annnnnnnnnnd Justin Verlander...yessssssss). Depending on game time (which KC has been kind enough to withhold), we're going to try to do a stadium tour prior to the game OR take advantage of this AMAZING Early Bird Pre-Game Experience that the team brilliantly offers. For $10, you get front row access to batting practice, a promotional giveaway, and some nonsense about official game notes...or some crap like that (all we know is that we NEED it). We promise you most excellent photos...as always. Plus, there's a roadtrip involved, which means we get to break out our 98 Degrees discography, so you know THAT'S going be the definition of awesome. If you're lucky, we'll video some of it. You're welcome.

Baseball Notes:
It appears that Brian Wilson may be joining us in Flushing. He apparently had a "private workout" with the Mets recently. What does that even mean? He did pushups and the Mets lineup watched? He worked out with TOWSNBN? They ran side by side on the treadmill? They all hung out in the clubhouse sauna together? What the hell does that mean???? Anyway...it sounds creepy. And somewhat voyeuristic.

Derek Jeter, in other bizarre NY news, got to "remove his boot." Let us start by saying that we apparently have drank entirely too much alcohol in the time that has lapsed between the playoffs and now. It's like we've been living a life under "Blackout Drunk" context because we totally forgot that Jeter was injured. Nevermind the fact that he might have been in a cast. So when we saw this headline, we assumed that he had purchased a brand new pair of combat boots. Ooops. He's not allowed to run or skip, but he IS allowed to "walk around in shoes and stuff" (this is a direct quote from the article, so don't judge the bimbo lingo) and run in the swimming pool. Do you have any idea what this means? This means that we've been working harder at the gym than Derek Jeter. And this is the man that the Yankees dubbed "Captain." Ridiculousness. We should just put AJ's cats, She-Ra and Thundercat, in charge of the Yankees. They at least go outside and kill things...and also attempted to kill Lisa, which would probably please TOWSNBN. It's like a win-win. For the Yankees AND the Mets.

Side note: no one was inducted into the Hall of Fame this year. Hooray! We should be inducted. We never used steroids and as you can see, we work harder than Derek Jeter at the gym. We've also both managed highly competitive fantasy teams. Clearly, we deserve induction.

Italian Sausage

Last week, Serena was solo (hence, the word “vagina” being used twice without any sort of quality control). MLB had begun its campaign for the All Star Game already, so Serena asked how you guys voted. 5 people said that they sit with the ballot and carefully think about each option before selecting the player they deem most appropriate. 2 individuals said that the use The Force. No one said that they pick the most popular players (in fact, they don’t know why that they’re not allowed to still vote for Ken Griffrey Jr.) and no one didn’t understand question and wouldn’t respond.
  

You might be wondering about what today’s blog theme is about. Italian sausage? Really? Are they talking about food AGAIN. Well…sort of. While watching last night’s Yankees game against the Royals, Alex Rodriguez stepped up to the plate. Here’s how our conversation went:

Lisa: Wow, he’s got some big thighs.

Serena (smacking her own chunk-tastic thighs): The curse of third base.

(Rodriguez adjusts his man-junk area)
Lisa: And apparently so is his junk.
Serena: Ya know, he looks like he’s huge.
Lisa: Yeah. He looks like he’s hung.

This got us thinking…who ELSE looks like he’s packing heat? In defense of this topic, they do have lists of baseball’shottest girlfriends/wives. Why can we cover…sausages? Disclaimer: we should note that we’ve never seen ANY of these private male parts that we’re discussing. This is strictly opinion.

For example, we’re pretty sure that Albert Pujols has a baby’s arm in his pants. In fact, to quote Lisa, “he probably has to roll it up in order to tuck it into his cup.” Wish we took video of this demonstration. At one point, she flung “it” over her shoulder and wrapped it around her leg. We’d go so far as to assume that Pujols is the biggest in the league. Hall of Fame worthy. We’re also confident that Brian Wilson is hung, BUT he has his beard in his pants, which is a serious problem. It’s like a thick, wooded area without civilization that will take you at least 45 minutes to find your way out of. Truly terrifying. The only way it could get scarier is if it was red. Other men that we’ve decided are well-endowed are Joe Mauer, Ryan Howard, CC Sabathia (he looks like a f*cking grizzly bear), Mike Jacobs (even though he’s no longer playing), Brian McCann, Tim Hudson, Matt Holliday, and unfortunately, Carlos Beltran. This might be the only thing that Beltran has going for him because his personality sucks and so does mole. Oh, yes, AND his taste in music.

We briefly discussed one of New York’s Golden Boys (TOWSNBN).
Lisa: I don’t think he’s long, but…
Serena: I think he’s stocky…
Lisa: YES!
Serena: Like his body…
Lisa: EXACTLY!
To clarify, stocky=girthy.

Now for the boys we think have more of a string bean in their pants than a sausage. We’re thinking that New York’s OTHER Golden Boy, Derek Jeter, has a long, but thin noodle…just based on his body. A long, lean noodle. Unfortunately, we think that our honorary TBB, Tim Lincecum, might be small as well. He just looks like he physically couldn’t handle carrying around a Louisville Slugger in his pants. He’d topple over and royally f*ck up his delivery to the plate. Other players that we think are small are Matt Cain, Cole Hamels (and this truly does pain Lisa to think this), Josh Beckett, Dustin Pedroia, Ichiro Suzuki (he’s probably built like Mr. Chow), Jeff Franceour (we’re sad to admit this), and Jose Reyes. Lisa would like to issue a challenge to Hamels to prove to her that he doesn’t have a small Twinkie.

There were a few that we couldn’t decide on. Jayson Werth, for one. He could easily go either way, but he may smell…down there. Like a men’s lockerroom. Justin Verlander is hard to tell also, but we think he probably smells nicer…down there. NOT like a men’s lockeroom. David Ortiz seems like he’s either enormous or really small. Other unknowns: Joey Votto, Josh Hamilton, and Barry Zito. Barry Zito’s a big boy, but he’s rocked a comb-over. A comb-over may indicate a small taquito. That’s just two girls’ opinions.

Huston Street belongs in the average sausage category, but he knows how to work it. We once sat in the left field bleachers at the old Yankees Stadium and watched his warm up. Trust us when we say that “the hips do not lie.” That man can do things with his body that no man can do. There are women (us included—and Serena practices yoga) who cannot do what Huston Street can do.

In non-sausage related news, the TBB have decided to run in the Runyon 5K at Yankees Stadium in August. We get to run the warning track. How bad a$$ is that? We probably would’ve done ANY 5K being held at a baseball stadium within driving distance, but it’s a bonus that it’s taking place at one of the New York stadiums. Here’s a brief background on our running capabilities: Serena ran her first 5K last week at the Bronx Zoo. While running 3.1 miles isn’t something that Serena isn’t physically capable of completing relatively easily, she has the attention span of a toddler. In fact, at the Bronx Zoo, the only reason why Serena finished without running off to look at the monkeys is that she ran the entire thing with her cousin, Sara, a cross-country runner. Now we’re going to be running through a stadium, a course that includes being on the field. We’re probably going to lose Serena to the Yankees dugout or bullpen…or closest hot dog stand. Lisa has never run in any sort of race whatsoever. She HAS chased after the ice cream truck and from a creepy dog walker at Shea Stadium though. Once in awhile she runs on the treadmill at the gym, but she certainly can’t claim to enjoy it. It’s a long, tedious mile. What is exciting for Lisa is the prospect that there may be a lot of fit guidos present at this event (seeing as how most guidos in New York are Yankees fans). Perhaps these guidos can run in front of us and Lisa can run after them. One of them can carry a hot dog and a beer and that will be motivation for Serena. Stay tuned for the blog post following that event.

The big baseball note effecting New York this week is the crap with Mariano Rivera. While shagging balls in the outfield during batting practice (not even an actual game), Rivera twisted his knee. Ouch. An injury like that to a player as old as Rivera immediately makes people think that this is it. He’s not coming back. His career is over on a bull sh*t injury. Not so fast. Rivera insists that he’s coming back for 2013, “not going out like this.”

Jered Weaver, another f*ck a$$ who spells his name wrong (and this is more offensive than Andruw since Brother’s name is JARED), pitched himself a no-hitter against the offensively ineffectual Twins this week. While it’s nice to have a no hitter under your belt, what’s it like to accomplish something like this against a team with the major league-worst record (7-18)? We actually had to double-take that statistic there. 7-18??? SEVEN? They’ve only won seven stupid games??? That’s friggin’ AWFUL. Their terrible record actually outshines Weaver’s accomplishment. His no hitter is a backhanded compliment. We’re not even sure it should count. That’s like pitching no-hit ball to the Bad News Bears.

Closing things out with Adele today: “Oh, rumor has it. Oh, rumor has it. The rumor has it that Pujols is rolling up his sausage from the floor.”

Comb-Overs Are Always Terrible

Lisa gave you her account of Mets Opening Day last week and in keeping with that theme, she asked if you thought she should paint her car orange and blue to proudly fly her Mets’ colors. 4 of you thought that she should if she was such a big Mets fan. In close second, 3 of you felt that she should only do it if she allowed me to paint an orange dinosaur on the hood of the car. Truly, I’m touched. I really appreciate that. You must have the upmost confidence in my artistic skills if you’re promoting this. She likes the sissy, non-violent dinosaurs, so I think I’ll paint a brontosaurus. 1 person said no because she’s clearly crazy and doing this will just prove it. That’s just rude, good sir. You’re completely ruining this for me. If she listens to you, I won’t be able to paint a brontosaurus on her car. You’re so selfish.

Briefly touching upon a few baseball notes from around the league, what the hell is up with Barry Zito? He gets married, decides to rock a comb-over like some creepy pedophile, and now suddenly he’s throwing complete game shut outs?? Where the hell have you been, Barry? Did you wake up one morning and say to yourself, “holy sh*t, I’m getting paid a crap ton of money not to do anything! No wonder people hate me. I should probably try pitching again.” Well, if this isn’t a fluke, welcome back. Now fix your goddamn hair. On the other hand, another Bay Area pitcher is not faring as well. The Giants received the news that closer Brian Wilson may need season-ending Tommy John surgery.

The Red Sox put Jacoby Ellsbury on the 15-day DL for a shoulder injury he suffered on Friday. Bad news for Lisa’s Asstastic Bunch (because as you know, I could really give a crap about the well being of the Red Sox).

That’s all for now, folks. I’ll be posting about Yankees Opening Day later. Like after a nap. Cos’ I’m tired. And this took a lot out of me.

-Serena

Facial Hair Around the League Strikes Back

After recounting our experiences with the worst (and best) things we’ve ever put into our mouths (at a ballpark) to date, we decided to ask you what you thought the worst thing we’ve put into our mouths (at a ballpark) was. 7 of you voted and the feedback appears to be split between two items: the Dodger Dog) and the $1 hot dog from Target Field. 4 of you voted for the $1 hot dog and 3 chose the Dodger Dog.

One year ago today, we brought to you our “Facial Hair Around the League” blog (you should know that we now have the Star Wars theme playing in the background as we type this, making this blog even more epic than usual). At first, we were concerned about how you’d feel about such an asstastic blog, considering it had very little to do with the actual sport of baseball and more to do with what we find attractive in the male species. However, you seemed to enjoy it very much. It was even featured on our Popular Posts blogroll for an extended period of time. That being said, we decided that we should bring you an updated edition of the aforementioned Facial Hair post as it’s quite clear that men have failed to take our advice seriously as there’s a repeat offender on our list. He’s a man who, no matter how often we beg, refuses to acquiesce to our request. More surprising is that there’s one man on this list who is typically the golden boy of 5:00 shadows. He apparently lost his goddamn mind this year.

Let’s start with the hot messes, shall we?

Jayson Werth. Is anyone really shocked that this a-hole is on our hairy sh*t list? He was featured on our original Facial Hair Around the League post AND we wrote him a personal letter asking him to do something about the horrendous decisions he makes when playing with razors. It appears as though moving to DC hasn’t helped things. What in god’s name is that? Lisa thinks she just saw a pigeon fly out of it. It’s disgusting. Just looking at it gives us lice. Lisa’s itchy.

Barry Zito. This is the most disappointing situation in the entire facial hair community. You might be asking yourselves why is this so disappointing? It’s just a moustache. No. It’s so much more than that. It’s the end of mankind as we know it. Forget 2012. Barry Zito’s moustache is going to kill us all. Once upon a time, Barry Zito could do no wrong with his facial hair (and pitching come to think of it. My, how things have changed). He sported everything from clean shaven (Lisa’s personal favorite), full beard, goatee, to varying degrees of the 5:00 shadow (Serena’s personal favorite) and he did it with impeccable grace. He was the poster child for how men should groom their faces. Then it all went terribly wrong at the start of the 2011 season when we noticed that he adopted a 1970’s porn-stache. Gentlemen, this is quite possibly one of the most offensive things you could possibly do to your face. What are you thinking when you decide to go with growing a black caterpillar beneath your nose? In Jayson Werth’s case, he just let himself go out of laziness. Or maybe when the full moon hits, he turns into a werewolf and eats people. Zito’s situation is so much worse because it was obviously pre-meditated as the rest of his face was clean shaven. He actually intended to look like Tom Selleck.  

Brian Wilson. We know that the beard is magical. We get it. We know that the hair and ridiculous bush on his face is all about exerting his independence. We get that he’s got “personality.” He’s not just a pretty face, ya know. We get that. Really. We do. However, at some point, you need to let that sh*t go. On the subject of 1970’s porn, Zito might have the stache, but Wilson is sporting the 1970’s porn bush. As in vagina. His actual hair is bad enough. Couple that with the porn bush and there’s not much else to say. Mr. Wilson, do you get laid? We have this theory that you’re hung like an elephant’s trunk, but jeez, guy. That’s only gonna get you so far and we can’t imagine a girl wanting to make out with you under those circumstances. Furthermore, how do you go down town with that crap on your face? Doesn’t it get in the way???

Will Rhymes. We’re not sure what’s happening here. Either this disaster was pre-planned (which is pathetic) or Rhymes is literally unable to grow a full beard. In those instances, gentlemen, please don’t bother growing the beard. Shave it. You look like a giant partial hairy a-hole when you’ve got bald patches and tufts of hair here and there. He looks like he couldn’t even commit to a moustache. He must have commitment problems because if you can’t even commit to growing a full beard, you can’t commit to one vagina. Plus, he must have body hair issues because why else is his neck so damn hairy whereas his face is like that of a baby’s bottom??? Friggin’ weird.

Now…onto the promising young chaps of the 2011 season

Brian McCann. If you’re going to go full beard, this is the way to do it. Aside from being a ginger, which is creepy, McCann has grown a mostly even beard and it’s well maintained. There are no stragglers, no wildlife emerging from the underbrush, no porn music, you can see his mouth clearly, and most importantly, last night’s meal didn’t get lodged there by mistake. If he could just not be a ginger, we’d be kosher with his look.

CJ Wilson. Good grief, this boy is smokin’ hot. Unfortunately, he’s crazy and sober, but that’s a whole other blog for a different day. This is how you do “extra” scruff without committing to an actual beard (or porn-stache). As you can see, Wilson is just at the precipice of sh*t getting out of hand. Another day or two and he’ll need to buzz it down so he doesn’t start looking like a beast. A beast with rabies. This is heaven. Maybe not so much for Lisa, but definitely for Serena. And despite the extra fur, even Lisa can admit to wanting to lick his face off. That’s how good Wilson looks. Men, take note. Meow. This kind of facial hair, when done well, could get you laid.

Justin Verlander. Ah. The “clean” version of the scruff. Like Wilson, Verlander is also sporting a 5:00 shadow of some sorts, only his is more on the conservative side. This is also sexy. With this look, Verlander exudes manly musk, tough and rough play, might pull your hair a little bit, masculinity, hotness, rip-his-clothes-off naughty yet, at the same time, remains controlled and hygienic. Like a true gentleman. Boys, invest in a buzzer as opposed to an actual razor. This way you can maintain a scruff without ever having to go clean shaven again.

Cole Hamels. Hamels is demonstrating how to do a “barely there” scruff. This is as close to Lisa’s clean shaven look as this particular blog post will permit. This is a look you want to go for if you don’t want to go clean shaven, but your woman doesn’t dig nuzzling up to fuzz. It’s what we call a compromise. You’ll still get laid and you get to keep some manly facial hair while your woman won’t bitch about your 5:00 shadow giving her a rash when she makes out with you. Serena doesn’t have much use for the clean shaven look, but even she admits that Hamels needs to be nibbled on, so you know that’s saying something. If you’re not sure what your girl likes, go with this until you find out more. It’s just like when you can’t figure out what color looks best on you, you go with the old reliable black shirt. It’s a no fail. Win-win.

Baseball notes:

According to a source, former Phillies’ closer Ryan Madson has signed a 1-year contract with the Reds that will pay him $6 million in 2012 with an $11 million option for 2013 that carries a $2.5 million buyout. The deal itself is on hold thanks mostly to Madson being on vacation and failing to schedule his physical. Farewell to the only Phillies player that Serena was willing to bang. Lisa’s Forbidden Love, on the other hand, is still with the Phillies’ organization.

Justin Verlander made an appearance on Conan O’Brien where the two men discussed Verlander’s pre-game rituals. Turns out, Serena and the Cy Young Award winner have more in common than we previously thought. Verlander said, “The night before, as you can tell by my amazing physique, I eat Taco Bell. Every night.” He even shared the specifics of his order: “Three crunchy taco supremes, no tomato, cheesy gordita crunch, and a Mexican pizza, no tomato.” We think Serena may have found her soul mate. Now all we have to do is get them to “serendipitously” meet. Perhaps at a Taco Bell. After carefully reviewing the video of this interview, it’s been decided that Justin Morneau has been demoted from Serena’s Future Husband to Serena’s Future Ex-Husband #3. Justin Verlander, on the other hand, shall now hold the title of Serena’s Future Husband.

Commissioner Bud Selig’s 2-year extension through the 2014 season was approved on Thursday night by MLB’s ownership. Not sure anyone really gives a crap, but there we have it.

Remember Johan Santana? Yeah, we kind of forgot he existed as well. The man’s been busy rehabbing in Florida from the surgery he had on his left shoulder. There’s a really long article on MLB.com that basically offered us no answers and included positive, negative, and uncertain feedback. Super helpful. The headline even leads us to wonder what the f is going on: “Mets See Rehabbing Left-Hander Johan Santana’s Tank as Half-Full.” Half-full? Really? The man’s been out for over a year now. He’s not even ¾ of a tank full yet? The Mets are hopeful for him to undergo a proper spring training and to be ready be for the start of the season, but we’ll see. Right now, it feels a little bit like Santana is the Missing Link. There are rumors he exists, but we haven’t seen any evidence of it yet. If the Mets are counting on him to be their savior this year, that is pretty scary.

Closing out this week with a little bit of classic MJ: “Shave it. Shave it. Jayson Werth, won’t you please shave it? Use a razor. It could be nice. It doesn’t matter if it’s disposable or not. Just shave it.”

ALDS 2011 Game 1

Last week, you had Lisa flying solo (unlike Han Solo who flies with Chewbacca) because Serena had to do her adult job by working at the Walk Now for Autism Speaks at Jones Beach. Since we know you’re all dying inside with curiosity, yes.  She did meet Darth Vader and yes. A photo of their blossoming relationship was taken. Photos from the engagement shoot were taken on the Death Star...which is way more interesting than an engagement shoot done at a baseball stadium. But that’s just two women’s opinion. Will post photos at a later date. Stay tuned. You’ll love them.

ANYHOO, time for poll results, which we suspect you cheated on because we got a sudden upsurge of response after certain teams were eliminated from playoff contention. Lisa asked who you thought would go to the World Series. 1 person voted for the Yankees (probably before the offense took a crap and failed miserably to do its job) and 1 person chose the Tigers. Again, did you choose this immediately following the Yankees’ offense taking a crap? You’re probably envisioning riding the Verlander ship all the way into the October Classic. We can’t say that we blame you. 2 people voted for the Phillies, which was to be expected. What wasn’t expected was that more people didn’t vote for the Phillies, which pretty much proves that you cheated as is the fact that 5 of you voted for the Brewers. C’mon. Seriously. If the Phillies had advanced, are you really going to sit there and tell us that you believed the Brewers were going to defeat them? Lies. Naturally, 3 of you voted for the a-hole choice and that was us. Us being the TBB. We know that we joke a lot that we can pitch better than certain team’s bullpens, but that doesn’t mean we should try. Rays, Rangers, Diamondbacks, and Cardinals all got a fat goose egg. Looks like we all experienced our own ballet here. A ballet of disappointment.

As you may recall, we were super excited to score tickets to Game 1 of the ALDS. Game 1 featured a matchup between CC Sabathia and Justin Verlander. Golden. This was going to be magic. Of course, it was too easy. As usual with Yankees games these days, we took the train to the game on the eve of September 30^th. We arrived with plenty of time to grab a bite to eat at the Southern BBQ stand on the main level. Both of us ordered a pulled pork sandwich. Remembering how much we enjoyed the stadium’s French fries, we decided to order a side of fries. Lisa ordered a small size like a lady and since Serena was hungry, loves fries, and apparently didn’t remember what the sizes looked like, over-eagerly ordered a large. Upon receiving the enormous cup of fries, Serena remembered why her stomach hurt so much the last time she ordered them. It’s just too much! And yes! Too many fries really is possible!!! Lisa’s order came to $16.50 and Serena’s was $18.50. Had we known what was to go down later in the evening, we would’ve second guessed these pricy decisions.

After we polished off everything (Serena insisted on finishing the fries because they were so expensive despite the fact that her stomach felt terrible), we hurried to our seats to catch the opening ceremony. First, the team lineups.

Next, the national anthem.

Finally, the ceremonial first pitch thrown by Mariano Rivera to Jorge Posada. This was weird to us. We see this all the time. Why were they chosen to do this? We expected an old-timer Yankee or a cancer kid. Maybe a member of the FDNY or NYPD?

At last, CC Sabathia took the mound and the game got underway. Sabathia was on like Donkey Kong. He struck out the first two batters before giving up a solo shot to Delmon Young.

In the bottom of the 1^st, Justin Verlander took the mound. Serena took like 5 stupid photos as if they’d come out awesome with our seats being a million miles away in a galaxy far, far away.

Derek Jeter led off the inning with a single. Verlander walked Curtis Granderson, but got Robinson Cano to ground out, advancing Jeter and Granderson to 2^nd and 3^rd. Alex Rodriguez registered the second out at first, but Jeter scored on the play. Sabathia would return to the mound amid a downpour.

As you can see, the rich folks were already acting like chicken sh*ts and running for cover.

He finished the inning, but following the third out, the umpires called for the tarp.

Of course, like we said earlier. Everything had been too damn easy. The TBB were in yet another rain delay. We’re starting to think a black cloud just follows us around. It was 9:10 pm.

While rich people with high-priced seats clamored into our section for protection (kudos for our usher who didn’t them into the section without correct tickets…how does it feel, rich a-holes who consistently deny us entry even when you don’t bother showing up to the game???), we were nice and dry.

Lisa surfed her BlackBerry and inspected her nails to pass the time while we waited. Keep in mind, Serena had to be at work the next day to set up for Sunday’s walk.

At 9:45 pm, the tarps came off the field. We think we might have high-fived in response.

In a matter of minutes (3 to be exact), the sky opened up again and the tarps came back on.

And boy, did the rain come down.

The game was finally called at 10:24 pm. It took us an hour to walk from our seats to the subway platform because the crowd was so dense and slow moving. We wished we had taken a picture of the scene in the subway station for you because the amount of people sandwiched between the station’s entrance and the turnstile definitely violated fire code.

Now we had a new dilemma. The game would resume the following night at 8:30 pm. Serena had to be at Jones Beach by 6:00 am for the Autism Speaks walk. Also, we were broke. There was no way we could afford to buy food at the game the following night. Of course. It had been way too easy.

Saturday, October 1^st. Since we could waste time dealing with a crowd and the subway station, we were forced to drive into Yankees Stadium for the first time in 2 years. In route, Lisa tried to snap a photo as we passed Citi Field.

Upon arriving at the parking garage, we remembered why we stopped driving to the stadium. Parking cost $45. Awesome. Nevertheless, we remained upbeat about the upcoming game. Since we arrived earlier than the subway ever would’ve gotten us there, we stopped into the Yankees Museum again. New additions included the 2009 World Series ring created by Tiffany’s…

…and the 2009 World Series trophy (displayed in the same case as the jersey worn by Derek Jeter when he hit his 3,000^th hit…cos’ that makes total sense being that they happened in the same year and all…WTF?)

As we stepped out of the museum, we got a good glimpse of the Hall of Legends (As you can see, despite the early time, a lot of people were already arriving):

Before heading to our seats for the second time in two nights, we decided to check out the team store on the main level for new stuff to play with. Lisa found these creeptastic dolls of Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and Mark Texeira. Can you guess which is which?

Finally, we headed for our seats to eat dinner. Who is ready for Game 1 Take 2?

Since we had no extra money (a situation the parking fee exacerbated), we were forced to do a recession dinner. Behold 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches each, 2 bags of Cheez-Its, and 2 bags of pretzel Goldfish.

The game literally resumed where it left off in the bottom of the 2^nd. No replay of the opening ceremonies or anything like that.

Doug Fister took the mound for the Tigers and Jorge Posada led things off with a single to right field. Despite the promising start, the inning closed with the score remaining 1-1. The Champagne Super Nova took the mound for the Yankees and we couldn’t help but feel bitter that we weren’t getting the pitching matchup we’d been promised. However, Serena enjoyed singing the Oasis song.

Nothing really happened until the 5^th when Robinson Cano hit a home run and then it was ruled a double. Score 2-1. We still don’t know exactly what happened because the jumbotron didn’t show the replay, but the fans in our section were quite displeased.

This is what initial joy looks like:

Eventual disappointment:

In the top of the 6^th, Lisa decided she couldn’t take the cold anymore and went for a hot chocolate run. She paid $4.50 for something that turned lukewarm by the time she returned to her seat. In the top of the 6^th, 2 runs score on a double hit by Brett Gardner. Both Jeter and Granderson got on base to load the bases for Robinson Cano. Lisa turned to Serena and said, “Grand salami.” Sure enough, Cano launched one over the wall, making the score 8-1.

No visit to Yankees Stadium would be complete without witnessing the 7^th inning YMCA. While the grounds crew did their thing, our section did this:

By the way, see that kid to the left in that terrible sweatshirt? He was super annoying. Allow us to tell you why. He chose to sit in front of Serena while his father sat in the row in the section to the left of us. Apparently, his father thought it was really funny that his son (who definitely needs to be put on Ritalin or something stronger) continued to hit Serena with his head (because he wasn’t paying attention to where his head was while head banging) and flailing arms (because that’s how he danced) and spent more time blocking our view of the game (because of his jumping, flailing arm dance moves) than actually sitting and enjoying the sport of baseball. Listen, good ole’ dad. We understand why you didn’t want to sit with your annoying son, but guess what? He’s your kid and your cross to bear, not ours. You’re stuck with him. Not to mention that he is entirely too young to be sitting at a sporting event surrounded by drunk and potentially violent men without a parental figure. At some point, Serena snapped and she couldn’t take it anymore.

She slouched low in her seat, put her feet on the back of the kid’s seat (which wasn’t his actual seat, remember?), and inched her knees forward so that on the rare occasions he sat down, he had her feet in his back and knees against his head. It was a small, yet satisfying victory.

In the bottom of the 8^th, it became clear that this was the Cano show. With Jeter on base, Cano hit another RBI double, making the score 9-1. In the bottom of the 9^th, things got a little scary, but the Yankees held on and the final score was 9-3. At the end of the game, we ran to the car to get on the road as quickly as possible since Serena had to be up in a few hours for work.

Since this post is a little late, by this time we’re all aware that the Yankees lost the series to the Tigers in Game 5. We’re not going to spend a huge chunk of time on discussing the Division Series, but it should be said that since the loss, fans and media having been screaming for the heads of Alex Rodriguez, Mark Texeira, and Nick Swisher. Folks, Rodriguez, Texeira, and Swisher aren’t the only men on that team that sucked hard at the plate. What about Jeter? God forbid we should say something bad about New York’s personal Jesus. He did absolutely nothing on offense all series. So why aren’t we screaming for his head? The only players that did anything consistently at the plate were Gardner and Cano. Therefore, Cano and Gardner should get cookies for their good work while the rest of the lineup should be given the same amount of sh*t as Rodriguez, Texeira, and Swisher are getting. Granted, Swisher hasn’t really produced effectively all season, so we can kind of understand people’s frustration with him, but Rodriguez and Tex? Really? When Rodriguez was healthy this season, he did his job as did Tex, so shut up and eat it. We’d rather have two players like them on our team that put effort into every single game they play in over a selfish player who doesn’t give a sh*t anymore. No one can say that they’ve ever seen Rodriguez and Tex not put forth effort on the field. They do. And you know what? So does Swisher, which is why he can be forgiven for his uselessness at the plate. If you’re going to hang someone for this loss, hang the entire team.

TBB World Series predictions: Tigers and Lisa’s taking the Cardinals while Serena’s going with the Brewers. Cardinals have momentum, but the Brewers have the 2 BB’s: Bratwurst and Braun. What, what, bitches!

Lastly, we’re closing crap out with a kick a$$ Taco Bell commercial featuring Brian Wilson…cos’ we’re black ops!!!

MLB Goes Hollywood…Sort of

Before we get into how truly spectacular Epic Serena’s birthday weekend was, we need to have a discussion with you people. And that discussion is regarding how disturbed you are. We asked you what you thought would happen when we got drunk and 3 of you assumed that “someone” was pissing in the sink. We spent the night at the Waldorf Astoria. We’re classy bitches. We would NEVER piss in the sink at the Waldorf. Perhaps at a Howard Johnson Motel, but not at the Waldorf. You’re some sick, twisted people. Only 1 person voted for Lisa dancing like an a-hole, which is completely absurd because it’s basically a guarantee that Lisa dances like an a-hole when she drinks. Actually, it was the only option listed that was a guarantee. Do you even know us? It’s this kind of crap that makes us think that you’d bring us the wrong garbage can if we had to puke. 2 people thought that Serena would bowl a 124 just like she did in Foxwoods. While Serena appreciates your enthusiasm for her drunken athletic abilities, we can’t help but notice that we did not list bowling in our weekend’s itinerary!!! Are you literate? 2 people thought we’d go all The Hangover on everyone and steal a cop car and Mike Tyson’s tiger. Okay…we can’t really blame you for thinking that considering how often we reference the movie. Jess and Serena did think we lost Lisa when we woke up in the morning (much like Stu, Alan, and Phil lost Doug), but it turns out we didn’t. And there was no jungle cat in the bathroom. Finally, 2 of you thought we’d end up in Canada, which is just plain weird.

So we have to be honest. None of that crap happened. In fact, the last time Serena bowled somewhat under the influence was about 2 weeks ago and it wasn’t pretty. She thinks the score was about a 55, but her memory of the evening isn’t too clear. Perhaps her magical bowling prowess only happens when she drinks Blue Moon, not vodka and Dr. L Riesling. We also couldn’t find Mike Tyson or his tiger, so….yeah. Nevertheless, the weekend was fabulous! Maria came down from Boston as a surprise and Jess ordered champagne and chocolate covered strawberries to be delivered to the room, which is always super sexy. We began drinking at approximately 3:30 in the afternoon and we took a limo to Ninja New York for dinner at 8:30. If any of you are in town, you must check this place out. It’s amazing. Lisa was nearly stabbed by a ninja with a sword on multiple occasions and Serena ate a chocolate ninja star. After dinner, we got sexified and went out for drinks and dancing at Stir where Jess had another bottle of champagne waiting for us. It seems that Jess is “connected.” The following morning, Maria headed home, we found Lisa, and then ate a second breakfast at Serendipity 3. It was great!

We do have an actual purpose to our blog today, however we have to inform you of a few things first. As you may recall (or not if you don’t really give a crap), Serena will be leaving our current employer in a week. This means that our last Friday post (yes, yes, we know we’re late this week) will be this Friday, the 25th. Going forward, all posts will be done on Sunday (just like today). Considering how easily distracted we are (we began this before 2:00 and it’s now after 3:30), it’s best that we moved from a lunch break to an entire Sunday anyway. Since we’re now blogging on Sundays, there are a few TBB frequently used phrases that will need to be retired:

Ben Affleck - The person or incident that has driven our Friday lunch time blogging sessions from Serena's cubicle and into Mother Nature. It in no way shape or form refers to the real Ben Affleck, actor. The two are unrelated. Which is precisely the point.
Mobile Blogging - When our blog session takes place in either Lisa's Toyota or Serena's Ford. It does not mean that we are blogging from something technologically advanced like an iphone.

Let us hold a moment of silence for these dying phrases and pour some wine on the floor for the “homies that will no longer be with us.” Right. Moving on.

Just a brief update regarding our contest. We now have two entries. One is from Uncle Pat and the other is from a retired KGB Agent. The deadline to enter is April 1st, so you still have time!

Now for our true purpose. Has anyone noticed the recent influx of hilarious commercials starring baseball players? While there are a ton in existence, we selected a few of our favorites. Our original was Tim Linecum’s commercial for MLB 2K9 (meaning in 2009) in which Lincecum educated his digital self on how to…be him. This opened the floodgates for baseball shit that made us laugh (honorable mentions going to the commercials that feature mascots). Tim Lincecum’s Sportscenter commercial in 2010, featuring Lincecum trying to record his voicemail message and of course, Joe Mauer’s MLB The Show commercial that featured the amazing, “well played, Mauer.” That quote doesn’t get old. In fact, we’re pretty sure that we’ll be annoying our “fellow” Twins fans at Target Field by repeating it…over and over and over and over…

2011 has brought us a “Well Played, Mauer” sequel, which is pretty funny, but doesn’t have the same spark that the original did. Quite like most sequels. However, it has also introduced the star power of Brian Wilson (and his beard) and a glimmer of a sense of humor in David Wright. David Wright advertises Vitamin Water by joining forces with that douchenozzle, Mike “The Situation,” to train for the upcoming baseball season. It features a quick flash of Wright in the tanning booth, which we’re not exactly confident he does on a regular basis considering how white he is, but he’s definitely “girly” enough to do it. It’s pretty obvious to us that he gets his eyebrows waxed. No man has well-shaped brows like that unless he gets them waxed. We’re chicks. We know these things.

Brian Wilson’s MLB 2K11 commercial is…fantastic. We’re not even sure where to start. His cell phone looks it came from Night at the Roxbury or the original Wall Street. Plus he claims that no one can touch his beard “because there is too much magic inside.” We’re not looking to start fights or anything, but we’ve been claiming magical facial/body/head hair for seasons now. Wilson is a plagiarist. It’s that simple. It’s a good thing he’s funny or else we’d never forgive him. We might’ve considered suing. We know a lawyer, okay? He’s Serena’s real uncle (unlike Uncle Pat), so he definitely would have supported our case and he wouldn’t have charged us.

Our goal for 2011 (among the other retarded shit that we strive to achieve) is to make our own hilarious MLB commercial. Who would like to donate a camcorder to our cause? Anyone? Email us. We’ll talk.