How to Make Lisa Depressed in 5 Votes or Less

There was absolutely no rhyme or reason to last week’s poll. We wish there was point to it, but there isn’t. We asked what would you do for a Klondike Bar. Unfortunately, it seems like you people have grossly interpreted the choices that were made available to you. Now Lisa wants to kill herself and/or gorge herself on M&M cookies. You were supposed to pick the “extreme sport” that you’d be willing to do in order to be rewarded with a Klondike Bar. As in I love Klondike Bars so much that I’d do this just to get one! 5 of you chose “Make out with Lisa.” Do you really think that making out with Lisa is equivalent to an extreme sport? Or did you cotton-headed ninny muggings really think that by choosing this option, you’d get a chance to make out with Lisa? 1 person chose “attempt to ride a great white shark across the Atlantic Ocean.” It’s no secret as to who the person is that chose this option. If you need it spelled out for you, you clearly do not read this blog often enough. Other acceptable choices would have been: wrestling a bear, standing on your head for one whole hour in the middle of Times Square, eating 6 pizzas in one sitting, or streaking through the quad.  

On Monday, Justin Verlander became the first starting pitcher since 1986 (young Boston pitcher, Roger Clemens) to win the AL MVP Award with 280 points. Jacoby Ellsbury finished second in the race with 242 points. There have been arguments against Verlander being the winner, citing that Ellsbury’s numbers/contributions outweigh the worth of Verlander’s. Apparently, there are also a few folks displeased with the outcome of the NL MVP race. Ryan Braun finished ahead of Matt Kemp by 56 points on Tuesday. It’s easier to compare the numbers of Braun to Kemp considering that both are outfielders whereas Ellsbury’s batting and fielding statistics are a wash when compared to Verlander’s pitching statistics. Verlander doesn’t even hit. They’re simply not comparable. The discussion surrounding Braun and Kemp does not lie in the offensive stats, but in the fielding. Braun is not a good fielder, whereas Kemp is. Plus, Kemp plays centerfield, the most important position in the outfield while Braun patrols left. It is hard to argue in favor of a player whose team did not make the playoffs against a player whose team did. Neither Ellsbury nor Kemp helped the Red Sox and Dodgers advance to the playoffs. In fact, both teams failed to perform up to expectations. The Red Sox, in particular, suffered a major collapse at the hands of the Rays late in the season. The MVP should be given to the player that has brought the most value to a team. It boils down to this: Ellsbury might be more valuable in the sense that he played every day and contributed to his team every day, but when push comes to shove, Verlander’s performance directly contributed to the Tigers making it to the playoffs. Ellsbury’s every day playing did nothing to help the Red Sox. Kemp might be a better fielder, but his fielding did not help the Dodgers. Braun’s offensive prowess did however help the Brewers make it to the post season.

The Twins have parted ways with yet another player this week. Closer Joe Nathan signed a 2-year deal with the Rangers worth $14.5 million. This addition will move closer Neftali Feliz into the rotation next season. This begs us to ask the question: are the Twins going to retain anyone??

Mariners outfielder Greg Halman was stabbed to death in his home in Rotterdam, Netherlands. His younger brother was arrested as a suspect in the incident. An investigating judge has ordered that the brother be detained for an additional 2 weeks. Between the abduction and this murder, this baseball offseason is starting to sound like a typical NFL offseason…or NFL regular season for that matter.

The Red Sox are expected to announce their new manager within the next few days. The options have been whittled down to either Bobby Valentine or Gene Lamont. This decision obviously has more effect on Serena than Lisa being that Lisa is a Mets fan and has more of an adverse reaction to anything Phillies-related. Therefore, Serena prefers Gene Lamont because the sight of him and the sound of his voice won’t make her throw up in her mouth like Bobby Valentine will. So…Red Sox, if you’re listening, go with Lamont. We know what we’re talking about. Look at what has happened to the teams/players in the past who haven’t listened to us…most specifically the Mets.

In touring-related news, we’ve finally decided which series we’ll be going to this season! We’ll be visiting Atlanta in May for the Braves/Nationals series, Toronto in July for the Blue Jays/Tigers series (the fact that Verlander pitches for Detroit is a minor coincidence), and DC in August for the Nationals/Cardinals series. MLB 2012, here we come!

Horrible poll voters, “you’re the meaning in Lisa’s life, you’re not the inspiration. You bring Lisa on the edge and now she might jump.”

Baseball. We Promise. It’s About Baseball

In celebration of our San Diego hotel booking and proximity to the illustrious Tijuana, we asked you if you thought it would be a good idea for us to take a side trip to Tijuana while we’re there. Sadly, only 4 people decided to leave us any sort of input and the 1 person who voted, “Don’t bother. There’s no way sickos like you are making it past border patrol” is an a-hole. Sickos? We get that we’re a bit weird, but sick? Really? Are you an angry ex-boyfriend or something? Holy crap, are you TOWSNBN? If that’s the case, you’re just rude and our loyalty has switched to Murphy anyway, so there! 2 people said that we should make a stop over in Tijuana because of all the donkeys and tequila to be had and 1 person rightfully asked what any of this had to do with baseball. Absolutely nothing, that’s what. No one thinks that Erin and Serena could potentially leave Lisa there, which is nice to hear as they’re not THAT irresponsible and Lisa would really prefer not to be left ANYWHERE, let alone in a foreign country. Lastly, no one thinks that a visit to Tijuana is warranted should we finish up Sea World early and Lego Land is closed. That’s probably valid seeing as how there’s no possible way we’d leave Sea World early. Let’s be serious. Sea World is second only to Disney on the Pyramid of Awesomeness.

Quite a bit of interesting baseball notes this week, we feel (interesting being the operative word here as there are always baseball notes): With just under a month until Opening Day, Twins closer, Joe Nathan was officially diagnosed with a “torn ulnar collateral ligament” in his right elbow. The only words we understood here were “torn” and “ligament.” Obviously this injury is bad news for Nathan and the Twins. If he has surgery to repair the damage, it could potentially cost him the entire 2010 season. Devastating news for a team set to defend their 2009 division title. That being said, the Twins are a solid, dependable team and we’re confident that they’ll be able to rally around the loss of Nathan. After all, “there is no ‘I’ in TEAM.”

It seems that Phillies’ outfielder, Jayson Werth has adopted a “Willie Coyote” look for spring training for reasons that are completely unknown to us. Werth, WTF? Did you not pay close attention to our facial hair post? What is happening with your hair? Furthermore, what is happening at home that your wife has allowed you to leave the house in this manner?
At a press conference on Tuesday, the Yankees announced that the stadium will host the Pinstripe Bowl on December 30th, which will feature a match up between the Big East team with the third-best conference record and the Big 12 team with the sixth-best record after removing both conferences’ BCS Bowl participants. Whew! That’s a mouthful. To those who don’t follow college football, we assure you that all of that statement made perfect sense. You may recall that the stadium will also host a regular season football game between Notre Dame and Army on November 20th. The old Yankees Stadium used to play home to the New York Giants, so we suppose that it’s only natural for the franchise to want to continue the football tradition at their new stomping grounds. We can’t help but wonder if Citi Field will do the same (for those of you unfamiliar, the New York Jets used to call Shea Stadium home).

On Wednesday morning, Nomar Garciaparra and his nose announced his retirement following the signing of a 1-day contract with the Red Sox in order to retire as a member of the team. He will join ESPN as a baseball analyst on Baseball Tonight, but will also serve as an occasional game commentator. Exactly how many people are going to serve on this damn panel? The set is going to be the size of the UN! The TBB should just join at this point. Our opinions clearly need to be heard and obviously the nation is waiting for us to grace the television.

Jose Reyes aka: A-hole #2, was told to rest and refrain from doing his job (which he gets paid a lot of money to do and for which he will now continue to get a lot of money not to do) for 2-8 weeks until his thyroid levels normalize. Is that why he is so skinny? Not for nothing, it’s not like he actually did his job to begin with after signing that big contract of his. He went from being an enjoyable player to watch to A-hole #2, who throws temper tantrums on the field and throws objects at his manager. Despite our belief that this doesn’t make much of a difference to the Mets, Johan Santana said probably the World’s Most Awesome Quote in History in response to the press referring Reyes’ absence on Opening Day as a “kick to the stomach.” He corrected their description by saying, “No. Not to the stomach. A kick to the coconut.” And this is why Johan Santana is our Super Hero of the Week. If his name was Johan McSantana, he’d be Serena’s birthday party mascot.

Keeping with the subject of Mets Opening Day, bear in mind that Carlos Beltran aka: A-hole #1 (or shall we say, the ORIGINAL A-hole?) will also miss Opening Day thanks to his January 13th knee surgery, which he had taken upon himself to get done without consulting his team first. That is why he’ll never be Super Hero of the Week.

Speaking of our Super Hero of the Week, were you aware that the celebration of his glorious birth is tomorrow, March 13th? Which basically means that Serena has the best birthday in the history of birthdays (lots of history being made in today’s blog as you can see). The only way Serena’s birthday could possibly improve is if he showed up to her party dressed in green and allowed us to friend him on Facebook (without leaving us pending indefinitely). He doesn’t even have to bring a birthday gift. His presence would be more than satisfying. As you may or may not notice, Serena is rocking an "Irish Princess" birthday tiara in honor of her Irish birthday.
Last of the birthday wishes this week: Happy Birthday to Maddox, #1 Fan Steph’s enigmatic son (and Lisa’s godson)! He will be 6 on Sunday.

Of course, we wish you the best St. Patty’s Day that green beer could possibly offer you. Erin go bragh!