The MLB Continues Not to Hire Us

Last week’s poll focused on the Red Sox’s pending decision regarding their new manager. At blogging time, the candidates had been narrowed down to Bobby Valentine and Gene Lamont. Naturally, because we’re jerk offs, we can’t just give you two normal options to choose from and as usual, you did not fail to deliver stupidity. This is why you continue to amuse us. Of the 8 votes, 4 of you wisely chose Serena. Obviously, she is a feisty, intelligent, and no BS kind of girl. She’d make an excellent manager. Unfortunately, she was not even considered for the position, which is a damn shame. Since she has little to no respect for the majority of the players on the Red Sox, she could’ve easily overhauled that lineup and revamped its attitude without adding any new players, saving the franchise a boat load of money! Quite simply, all she would’ve had to do was destroy whatever self-respect and ego these players had, make them feel less like men and more like pathetic and sniveling peons, and then slowly rebuild them into respectable, unselfish, and team-minded athletes. Following the mental renovation, the players would be put on a strict diet and workout regime. There’s no room for overweight and out of shape players on this team. The fried chicken and beer would have to be saved for the off season (hear that, Red Sox bullpen?). The men who crumbled under the pressure clearly do not belong on this redesigned team and would therefore be disposed of as she can’t afford dead weight in the clubhouse. Alas, this will not be so.

This signals the third time that Serena has been rejected for a position with the MLB. You may recall that prior to their financial ruin, Serena had reached out to the Mets offering to be a consultant for the team. She’s pretty confident that her being a Yankees fan had something to do with their lack of responsiveness, but it’s quite clear that they needed her assistance badly. Just look at the mess they got themselves into. She also later applied for a community events position with the Pittsburgh Pirates. She never heard back from them either. Still can’t figure out what went wrong with that one. As a package deal, we recommended our skill sets on several occasions to the MLB, including offering to serve on the panel of experts designated to choose the individuals to fill the open management positions following the 2010 season (including the Mets). We even suggested ourselves as the replacement Kansas City Royals’ mascot after an awkward hot dog incident left the original individual unemployed.

The next runner up in the poll with 3 votes is Buddy the Elf. This is a fine choice as we’re pretty sure that Buddy would pretty much run the Red Sox into the ground, leaving the AL East title wide open for the Yankees. J 1 person went the adult route and chose Bobby Valentine. Boo hiss. No one voted for Gene Lamont. Poor Gene. He’s like the fat kid last to be picked for Dodgeball. It’s okay, Gene. Have some cake.

On the subject of our poll, earlier this week, the Red Sox officially announced Bobby Valentine as their new manager. Awesome. So they’ve traded in a creepy, level 5-looking manager (albeit a good one) for a loud-mouthed, arrogant a-hole. Good times. Valentine’s new role includes a 2-year contract with options for the 2014 and 2015 seasons.

Late Thursday night, the Marlins reached a deal with closer Heath Bell for 3 years, pending a physical (as always). The contract is reportedly worth $27 million. So far, the Marlins have certainly flexed their off season muscles. New name, new stadium, and new tacky uniforms obviously require a new roster, right?

Mariano Rivera had surgery to remove polyps on his vocal cords yesterday at New York Presbyterian Hospital. He won’t be able to speak for a week, but he’ll be fully recovered in one month and the procedure should have zero effect on his pitching ability for the upcoming season.

There has been no update on the Jose Reyes front, though Mets GM Sandy Alderson claims that he plans on reopening talks with the a-hole short stop’s representation during the Winter Meetings, which begin on Monday in Dallas.

Joe Mauer has been busy preparing for the 2012 season after his 2011 season came to a close thanks to a bout of pneumonia. According to Mauer, he’s “healthy and happy.” That’s nice. And reassuring for Twins fans and potential fantasy baseball participants (ahem, Tigers Love Pepper). But what kind of non-elderly person contracts pneumonia?? This still bugs us! What’s next for Mauer? Yellow Fever? Small Pox? Dentures?

Last week, we announced our 2012 stadium tour schedule. While we haven’t been able to buy tickets yet, we’re pretty confident in which games we’d like to go to. In fact, we’ve been so bold as to book our airfare to Toronto thanks to a great deal we found on Black Friday. We’ll be in (Oh) Canada from July 26^th-29^th and plan on seeing the Jays play the Tigers either Friday night or Saturday afternoon. The goal is to visit Atlanta over Memorial Day weekend, but right now that’s still up in the air. We’ll be able to provide a more definite answer on that in January when Lisa gets her time off approved. Finally, we plan on driving down to DC on Friday, August 31^st or Saturday, September 1^st for a Nationals/Cardinals game. Exciting, exciting. Now we wait with bated breath for single-game tickets to go on sale.

How to Make Lisa Depressed in 5 Votes or Less

There was absolutely no rhyme or reason to last week’s poll. We wish there was point to it, but there isn’t. We asked what would you do for a Klondike Bar. Unfortunately, it seems like you people have grossly interpreted the choices that were made available to you. Now Lisa wants to kill herself and/or gorge herself on M&M cookies. You were supposed to pick the “extreme sport” that you’d be willing to do in order to be rewarded with a Klondike Bar. As in I love Klondike Bars so much that I’d do this just to get one! 5 of you chose “Make out with Lisa.” Do you really think that making out with Lisa is equivalent to an extreme sport? Or did you cotton-headed ninny muggings really think that by choosing this option, you’d get a chance to make out with Lisa? 1 person chose “attempt to ride a great white shark across the Atlantic Ocean.” It’s no secret as to who the person is that chose this option. If you need it spelled out for you, you clearly do not read this blog often enough. Other acceptable choices would have been: wrestling a bear, standing on your head for one whole hour in the middle of Times Square, eating 6 pizzas in one sitting, or streaking through the quad.  

On Monday, Justin Verlander became the first starting pitcher since 1986 (young Boston pitcher, Roger Clemens) to win the AL MVP Award with 280 points. Jacoby Ellsbury finished second in the race with 242 points. There have been arguments against Verlander being the winner, citing that Ellsbury’s numbers/contributions outweigh the worth of Verlander’s. Apparently, there are also a few folks displeased with the outcome of the NL MVP race. Ryan Braun finished ahead of Matt Kemp by 56 points on Tuesday. It’s easier to compare the numbers of Braun to Kemp considering that both are outfielders whereas Ellsbury’s batting and fielding statistics are a wash when compared to Verlander’s pitching statistics. Verlander doesn’t even hit. They’re simply not comparable. The discussion surrounding Braun and Kemp does not lie in the offensive stats, but in the fielding. Braun is not a good fielder, whereas Kemp is. Plus, Kemp plays centerfield, the most important position in the outfield while Braun patrols left. It is hard to argue in favor of a player whose team did not make the playoffs against a player whose team did. Neither Ellsbury nor Kemp helped the Red Sox and Dodgers advance to the playoffs. In fact, both teams failed to perform up to expectations. The Red Sox, in particular, suffered a major collapse at the hands of the Rays late in the season. The MVP should be given to the player that has brought the most value to a team. It boils down to this: Ellsbury might be more valuable in the sense that he played every day and contributed to his team every day, but when push comes to shove, Verlander’s performance directly contributed to the Tigers making it to the playoffs. Ellsbury’s every day playing did nothing to help the Red Sox. Kemp might be a better fielder, but his fielding did not help the Dodgers. Braun’s offensive prowess did however help the Brewers make it to the post season.

The Twins have parted ways with yet another player this week. Closer Joe Nathan signed a 2-year deal with the Rangers worth $14.5 million. This addition will move closer Neftali Feliz into the rotation next season. This begs us to ask the question: are the Twins going to retain anyone??

Mariners outfielder Greg Halman was stabbed to death in his home in Rotterdam, Netherlands. His younger brother was arrested as a suspect in the incident. An investigating judge has ordered that the brother be detained for an additional 2 weeks. Between the abduction and this murder, this baseball offseason is starting to sound like a typical NFL offseason…or NFL regular season for that matter.

The Red Sox are expected to announce their new manager within the next few days. The options have been whittled down to either Bobby Valentine or Gene Lamont. This decision obviously has more effect on Serena than Lisa being that Lisa is a Mets fan and has more of an adverse reaction to anything Phillies-related. Therefore, Serena prefers Gene Lamont because the sight of him and the sound of his voice won’t make her throw up in her mouth like Bobby Valentine will. So…Red Sox, if you’re listening, go with Lamont. We know what we’re talking about. Look at what has happened to the teams/players in the past who haven’t listened to us…most specifically the Mets.

In touring-related news, we’ve finally decided which series we’ll be going to this season! We’ll be visiting Atlanta in May for the Braves/Nationals series, Toronto in July for the Blue Jays/Tigers series (the fact that Verlander pitches for Detroit is a minor coincidence), and DC in August for the Nationals/Cardinals series. MLB 2012, here we come!

Horrible poll voters, “you’re the meaning in Lisa’s life, you’re not the inspiration. You bring Lisa on the edge and now she might jump.”