As you may or may not be able to tell from this post’s title, our subject for today has extended beyond the ball field and into players’ grooming techniques. We realize that this particular topic exposes us for what we really are (girls), but it’s something we feel is necessary to discuss. Women out there will relate to what we have to say (or hate us because they feel like we’re making a mockery of women and sports a la Alyssa Milano) and hopefully, men will learn from what we’re about to point out. Before we can awe you with our knowledge on this subject, complete with documentation to emphasize our points, we must discuss last week’s poll results. We had posted a picture of our spare change jar in last week’s Origins of Mr. Met blog and asked you how much change you thought we’d collect by the time our LA/San Diego Stadium Tour rolled around in May. The good news is that we doubled our vote total from 3 to 6. Fantastic. For a brief moment in time, we’ve managed to coerce you back. Sadly, 2 of you actually felt that we would have absolutely nothing to take with us to California because some jerk would break into Serena’s house and steal nothing but our change jar. Bad enough that one of you voted for this. 2 of you really believe this? Are you serious? 2 of you really think that Serena has absolutely nothing of value to rob but this stupid pretzel jar filled with change? We don’t know whether to be depressed about this or to call you idiots. Thankfully, you were outnumbered by 3 folks voting that we’d hit at least $400 with all the money we’ve been earning by recycling. Take that, Debbie Downers! Lastly, 1 lone individual has an over abundance in confidence regarding our change saving abilities and feels that our entire trip will be paid for with the contents of that pretzel jar. Thank you. You’re truly kind.
If completely uninterested in our facial hair theories, you may scroll to the end to read our baseball notes. If, however, you are completely fascinated (as we are) with men’s whiskers and are simply giddy with the thought of seeing our portfolio of examples, then stick with us the rest of the way and we assure you that we will not disappoint.
It’s time for the good, the bad, and the ugly…some actually fall under both “bad” and “ugly” at the same time. For now, we shall start with the Hall of Hairy Shame. Now batting, Randy Johnson. The man can certainly pitch. No one can deny it. No one will ever take that away from him. However, what NEEDS to be taken from him is the freedom to grow his whiskers AND hair any way he chooses. Clearly, he is unable to make a sound decision in this department. The growth underneath his nose is enough to get him on this list, but he’s also rocking a damn mullet! What is happening in the Johnson household that this type of ridiculousness is permitted to go down? Now we know at least part of the reason why he had so many strikeouts. Batters were intimidated by the onslaught of fire breathing hair.
Jason Giambi ended his career with Oakland, clean shaven. Thank goodness for that. Unfortunately, prior to his reconciliation with his razor, Jason sported a Magnum PI mustache while playing with the Yankees. No one….let us repeat. No one should ever grow a mustache of that caliber ever, ever, ever again unless dressing as Magnum PI for Halloween. The only things this type of mustache accomplishes is creating a party favor when you breathe and guaranteeing that you look like a level 5. Who wants a level 5?
While we commend Kevin Youkilis for at least manicuring his monstrosity, it still is a monstrosity. This look prompts images of Paul Bunyan. The combination of the monstrosity, Mr. Clean hairstyle, and pole up the rear batting stance hangs you out to dry on the clothing line of romantic failure. If he’s married, it’s only for his money and we do not feel one ounce of pity for that woman. Furthermore, she should see to it that he receives a brand new Norelco for his birthday. We’re just saying. Throw a man a bone. He can’t do any worse. Oh, wait. He can. He could have Randy Johnson’s hair.
Last, but not least, the disconcerting concept of the facial Brazilian. We have two prime examples depicting this horrific development in grooming. First up, Eric Chavez, who at least managed to keep his landing strip maintained. While often injured, Chavez has proven to be the human vacuum cleaner in the hot corner, but that kind of talent does not excuse this billy goat impression:
Our second example of the facial Brazilian is none other than Jayson Werth, who has neglected to tame his chin music. What is this caterpillar looking creature crawling along his chin? Mrs. Werth is an attractive lady. No one can tell us that she likes this furry thing nuzzling up in her grill. Why is she allowing this to continue? It must be stopped, gentlemen! The Chin Brazilian cannot be allowed to become a fashionable trend! Stop the madness.
What is strange about Werth is that in the past, he has proven to do facial hair the right way. As you can see in the picture below, he has potential. Not too shabby. Scruff, combined with a slight hint of a future beard, is manly and attractive. This clearly states that you’re serious about your performance on the field as well as in bed.
Johan Santana shows that it’s okay to have a goatee. Just maintain that crap. Look at how polished and trim he looks. His clean cut beard reflects his professionalism, which immediately translates to his performance on the mound. We realize that Randy Johnson is also an amazing pitcher with horrendous hair, but men, please. Johnson is a clear exception to the rule. Follow Johan, not Johnson.
Barry Zito is a man who knows facial hair. Granted, clean shaven, he is still a beautiful specimen. He also has slight difficulties lately finding his mound mojo. However, one thing remains constant in Zito’s career and this is his ability to cultivate some sexy, sexy facial hair. While he’s ranged from 5:00 shadow to full beard (and performed exceedly well in all categories), we’ve chosen the photo below to show men just how damn yummy scruffiness can be. This is the kind of stubble that begs to be rubbed up against. As you can see, he is on the path to Beard Town, but this is perfectly acceptable since he clearly has the facial structure to support a well-groomed beard. Hmmm, let us rejoice.
This photo of Huston Street needs no explanation. It belongs in an art gallery.
Finally, if you’re ever in doubt as to what type of facial hair suits you best and you have no one to turn to for guidance, simply follow Ryan Church’s example and go clean shaven (except for you, Zito. You need to grow that sh*t back, Boy STAT).
Baseball notes: The Rangers have agreed to terms with Vladimir Guerrero on a 1 year deal with a mutual option for a second year. He’s guaranteed $6 million in the deal. It includes $5 million, plus performance incentives in 2010 and a $1 million buyout if the Rangers don’t pick up the option. Mark McGwire actually admitted to using steroids in 1998 when he broke the home run record. Thanks, Mark. We didn’t already know this. McGwire denied that he needed the Performance Enhancement Drugs to hit the long ball. He said that he “truly” believed that he could’ve broken the home run record without the PED’s, claiming that the only reason he took steroids was for “health purposes.” Yeah, and we buy lots of designer shoes for health purposes also. The Cubs have announced that they’ve signed Greg Maddux as an assistant general manager to Jim Hendry. Maddux’s long history with the MLB and knowledge of the sport should prove to be an asset for the franchise…even if he is a jerk. Carlos Beltran is an…a-hole. Have a nice day.
The soundtrack from the movie, Hair, summarizes today’s blog best with the following words: “I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy, snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty, oily, greasy, fleecy, shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen, knotted, polka-dotted, twisted, beaded, braided, powdered, flowered, and confettied. Bangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied! Oh say can you see my eyes? If you can, then my hair's too short” The lyrics were so perfect, we actually didn’t bother adding our words.
So concludes our facial hair report. Signing off, the TBB.