Class Has Been Replaced with A$$

Before we get into the meat of today's blog, we're going to cover something that's been irking us for awhile now. Don't take this the wrong way, but this is coming...how do we say this nicely? This is a direct result of YOU and your online feedback/commentary. What we're going to say encompasses this blog forum, the comments section, any social media platform we are on, and any social media platforms that we may be on in the future.

1. Do not correct our spelling or grammar. Ever again. For starters, in this day and age, most of everyone's social media activity is performed via portable internet machines. Portable internet machines are without physical buttons and the keyboards that do exist are itty bitty and extremely sensitive (or in some cases, extremely insensitive and you find yourself hammering away at the letter "a" button to no avail and suddenly, you've posted, "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" to the Shark Week Facebook page and you feel like a giant a-hole). For example, you may have high-fived Amani Toomer and/or got on line to tour the New York Giants' locker room during a 5K at MetLife Stadium and were so excited about these two things that you wanted to post a Facebook status about it. Unfortunately, in your "smart" phone's infinite wisdom, it posted, "I just high-fived Armani Too met and we're about to tour the liquor room at Negligence Stadium!" (Yes. This actually happened.) This is also how you might've typed, "Michael Bolton has a mullet" and ended up with "Michael Bolton has a Bolton." Furthermore, in many cases, we are trying to respond to everyone in a timely manner. In our rush to reply during our busy work days, we often fail to review every little word, comma, ellipses, etc. before posting. As a result, sometimes there are errors. Are you trying to tell us that when you type something, everything is perfect? You've spelled everything perfectly? You've never made a mistake? Next time we see someone write,  "ur" on our Facebook page, Serena is going to go ballistic on you. It's "your" or "you're." How are you going to feel about yourself when she rips you a new a-hole on that subject on a public online forum? Probably like crap. So just shut up already. If you don't want us to ride your asses regarding the English language, don't ride ours. We don't get paid to do this.
2. When correcting someone's grammar or spelling, maybe you should know what you're talking about first. Don't make fun of the construction of a sentence when there's actually nothing wrong with it because you a) look like an idiot and b) you've pissed off Serena and she's sent a "WTF" email to Lisa at work. Now we're not getting any work done.
3. Don't assume Lisa or Serena wrote a specific status or "twat." You may have a really, really good idea as to who wrote it. The odds may be 99.9% in your favor. There's still that .1% chance that you're wrong and that's probably when you're going to post the wrong thing to our page. See a) and b) from #2 for what happens then.
4. Yankee Stadium. If one more a$$ clown says, "It's YANKEE Stadium, not Yankees," dick punching will ensue. Yes, it IS Yankee Stadium, just like it's Dodger Stadium. It's not our fault that the MLB is stupid. Does only one Yankee or one Dodger play at this stadium? Or multiple? Really, technically the stadiums should be referred to as Yankees' Stadium and Dodgers' Stadium, but we're not going to crazy here. Adding an apostrophe to a sign is probably difficult...or something, so we'll let that go.
5. Like every goddamn picture we post on Instagram. What the hell is the matter with you? Our self-esteem relies heavily on the number of "hearts" to our Instagram posts. When you don't like our shit, we drink. Which then leads to more misspellings and junk on social media.
6. Don't blindly post things to our Facebook wall. It's not that we don't enjoy interacting with you, it's just that when you post random crap, we don't understand what you're trying to communicate, so we ignore it. Just throw a little note/caption there to let us know what you're trying to convey for pete's sakes!
7. Stop asking about Alex Rodriguez. We've heard enough about it and we don't want to discuss it. It's like your father and your menstrual cycle. He knows it exists, but he doesn't want to talk about it. Mention the word "tampon" and he runs in the other direction. It's our blog and we'll talk about what we want whether its facial hair, Italian sausages, Polish sausages, being roofied, or on occasion, a baseball game.
8. Be more like our Twatter follower, Michael David. He appreciates us for who we are and doesn't want to change us or force us to talk about the giant elephant in the room that is Alex Rodriguez.  

The only way we will forgive your heinous behavior is if you prostitute our social media out to your friends. Why do we still only have 178 Facebook fans? If this continues, we're never going to make it to our goal of 200 fans before New Year's.

Ignoring the fact that the New York Giants are complete and total ass clowns, we will now proceed with a somewhat proper blog post. As we come to an end of the 2013 regular season, we say goodbye to two of the Yankees' "classics" - Mariano Rivera and Andy Pettitte. Last night, we watched Andy's final game (a complete one, mind you) at a friend's house. Serena cried and then suppressed her depression with a s'more. It was terrible and pathetic. However, in the midst of this fat sadness arose a moderately intelligent conversation regarding classiness and baseball.

Pettitte's and Rivera's retirement at the end of the season makes us sad for several reasons. First and foremost, we're officially old. You may not have known this by the way we behave, but we actually have 401k plans and one foot in the grave.

Secondly, how many players stay with 1-2 franchises for their entire career? How many players play the game with respect, professionalism, and class? The game as become saturated with scandals, shenanigans, high-priced salaries, ridiculous contracts, and rapper sports agents. Even the young players coming into the game now have a sense of entitlement. Bryce Harper, for example, displays a disgusting level of arrogance for one who is only in his second season in the league and hasn't grown pubic hair yet.

As the players of our youth slowly begin to retire, the game itself changes. It has become flashier and not in a good way. The media care more about who the players are dating than what's happening on the field. Players want to stay with teams for 10 year contracts not out of loyalty, but because of a guaranteed inflated salary. Players focus their offseason on filming as many commercials as possible and promoting endorsements rather than focus on enhancing their talents. Additionally, players don't seem to care about the impression they're leaving on their fan base. Modesty and gratitude are rare traits as opposed to being the norm. The game itself is no longer a priority. Money is.

Was Chipper Jones a d*ck? Yes. Anyone who names their kid after the stadium in which he hit most of his career home runs is a d*ck. However, no one can ever doubt that he was a "Brave." No one can ever say that he took the game for granted. You never saw Chipper Jones standing in the batter's box admiring his home run as it sailed over the wall before starting his home run trot. He hit the ball. He ran. Even as he aged and his body began to fail him, he continued to play third to the best of his ability. Off the field, you didn't hear about him getting involved in bullsh*t. He showed up to work, did his job, and went home. Even when he was on the DL, Chipper Jones was still a leader to his teammates. The same can be said for Ken Griffey Jr., who got the sh*tty end of the stick in terms of injuries. Fans, MLB-wide, felt something when Jr. retired - sad, wistful, whatever. Something deeper than surface level. Some may have even shed a tear. No one is going to mourn the retirement of Dustin Pedroia, Ryan Braun, Barry Zito, Alex Rodriguez, Carlos Beltran, Albert Pujols, Jose Reyes, or Miguel Cabrera except their local fan base. The fact is that they just don't deserve that kind of recognition or love. Zito, Rodriguez, Beltran, Pujols, Reyes, and Cabrera were all motivated by money. Pedroia and Braun do not have the class or leadership that Ken Griffey or Chipper once displayed. They haven't left impression on the sport. Braun is now flat out tainted. He once had the potential, but that's gone. Him doing steroids isn't half as bad as the lying and the bullsh*t that went with it. If he had just been a man about it and said, "you know what? I f*cked up and I'm sorry," he'd still have some semblance of respect.

It's an end of an era. It's the death of the game as we know it. The fact is no one is going to replace these legends that are retiring. They can only hope to half-fill the shoes that were left behind. Where once upon a time, Joe DiMaggio was replaced by Mickey Mantle, we now have douchebags stepping into the positions that were once held by legends. We're not saying that Bernie Williams is Mickey Mantle, but he was a classy guy that played with heart. He played the game right. Most importantly, he was a "Yankee." Look at the jack wagons that have come in his stead. Johnny Damon? REALLY? Are you out of your goddamn mind?? The first centerfielder that has been an acceptable replacement to Bernie's legacy is Curtis Granderson. That's a long time coming. As much we love Brett Gardner, his production is nowhere near the level of Bernie's. It's like replacing Darth Vader with Cap'n Crunch.

So we bid Mariano Rivera and Andy Pettitte a fond farewell and wait patiently to see what a-holes will replace them.

You Look So Beautiful To Me. Can’t You See?

We grieved for a lost time of classy ball players that played with heart last week and asked you lovely people what you felt was the reason for today’s lollygagging on the baseball field. It seems as though you really didn’t give a crap about this because only 4 of you responded. A whopping 2 people chose “I’m fat.” Awesome. 1 person chose “I’m getting paid either way, why do I have to run out the play?” And 1 one person chose “Do you even know who I am? I don’t run.” No one chose “I’m just so tired” or “first base is really far away.”

Apparently among the many stupid things that Carlos Beltran did last season, Beltran also offered to pay for Jon Niese’s nose job if Niese ever chose to go through with one. Niese recently underwent a nose job to repair his Toucan Sam beak and Beltran fully intends to foot the $10,000 bill. We’re so glad that Beltran has so much money as his disposal that he can easily pay for other people’s plastic surgeries. Is he taking requests? Serena would like an ass reduction and Lisa would like a breast lift. Are you listening, Carlos? You f*cking a-hole. By the way, is someone going to pay to have that mole removed from your face? It’s insane. It might have its own gravitational pull.

Let’s think about how this conversation in the clubhouse most likely went down sometime last season:

Setting: Mets Clubhouse

Carlos: Jon, have you ever considered getting plastic surgery?

Jon: Uh…for what?
David: Carlos! We agreed we wouldn’t tell him! You’re such an a-hole!
Carlos: He needs to know, hermano.
Jon: Know what?
Carlos: Listen, hermano, I’m not gonna tell you that you need a nose job, but if you choose to get one, I’ll pay for it.  
Jon: Oh…well…I never really thought about it before…
Carlos: Really? You haven’t? That amazes me. Haven’t you looked in the mirror?
Jon: Well…yeah. I mean, I shaved today. What do you mean?
Carlos: How can I say this without sounding like an a-hole? Oh, wait. I am an a-hole so this shouldn’t be a problem. Do you get laid on a regular basis?
David: Aw, man. I can’t believe you went there!
Jon: Well…no…not really. I mean…there are hookers…and you know…those cleat chasers…and that one blind girl.
Carlos: Exactly.
Jon: Um…are you saying it’s because of my nose?
David: God, this is awkward. Especially since I’m so good looking.
Carlos: Of course I think it’s because of your nose!!! I mean, look at me, Jon. Look at you. Look at David. Now look at you again. We get laid all the time. And when I say all the time, I’m not exaggerating. There are some nights I don’t sleep. I have to drink Red Bull constantly in order to keep my bevy of señoritas satisfied. David here has women of all ages throwing themselves at him. There’s that crazy girl, Lisa, who writes that stupid blog with the mean Yankees fan who wants to punch David in the face. Lisa is two steps away from paying David to bang her.
David: True story. She’s crazy a bitch. And her friend scares me. (Points to his face) I mean, hello. Look at my face. She can’t punch me. There’s a reason why I’m the face of the franchise and you’re not.
Carlos: Yeah and Fruit Loops already has a face of their franchise so you’re sh*t out of luck right now.
David: You need something that’s going to make you stand out, but in a good way. Not in the way that you currently stand out.
Carlos: I mean, when you go down on a girl, doesn’t your nose get in the way?
Jon: Well…I never really noticed…
David: Oh, jeez. That’s a whole other set of problems that we’ll need to work on later.
Carlos: After your nose job.
Jon: Well, if you think I should…
Carlos: I do. Think it over, hermano. Let me know. Oh, and by the way, when you go for the surgery, make sure to notify the Mets. Apparently keeping surgery a secret is frowned upon in this establishment.
(Carlos walks off into the sunset)
Jon: David? Do you think he’s right?
David: (Sigh) I do, little buddy. I mean, if you looked half as good as I do, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. We only want what’s best for you. I mean, the team. And my eyesight.
Jon: (Looking very ashamed) I didn’t realize how ugly I was.
David: I don’t even know how that’s possible. You said you owned a mirror.
Jon: I just didn’t think it was so bad. I thought women didn’t like me because I was Jon Niese.
David: Yeah, it’s definitely the nose, buddy. You get that sh*t fixed, you’re a professional baseball player, you live in New York, and you’re sexy. You’re totally getting banged.
Jon: (Hopeful) You really think so?
David: I sure do! Don’t you want to glisten in the sunlight on the mound like I do at third? (Points to his face) This is my money maker. (Holds up mitt) Not this. (Points to his face again) This will get you endorsements and Victoria’s Secret models that will eventually appear on a cyber list called, “Hottest Baseball Girlfriends/Wives.” For god sakes, look at Russell Martin’s bitch. And he’s terrible looking. But he does have a normal-sized nose. You don’t.
Jon: I do want to glisten like you, David!
David: So do it! Carlos is paying for it! He’s a d*ck! And I hear he’s not gonna be around much longer, so just take the money and run!!!
Jon: You’re right, David. I’ll do it. I’ll make my appointment right now!
(Jon skips off happily)
David: (Looking on with pride) That’s it, little buddy. You go on and fly like a bird! A beautiful, normal-sized nosed bird. (Pulls out to-do list and crosses off “Jon Niese Nose Job”) Now that that’s over with, what’s next? Ah, yes. Getting Jose to wash his hair…or traded to another team. (Laughs creepily).

The lights dim and the curtains close.

End scene.

In other baseball news, the Yankees have finalized a $1.1 million, 1-year contract with former Phillies outfielder Raul Ibanez and a $900,000, 1-year deal to retain Eric Chavez. It’s nice when you’re back up third baseman is Eric Chavez. Ibanez will most likely be utilized as a designated hitter and his contract includes $2.9 million in performance bonuses. The TBB are definitely working in the wrong industry.

Ryan Braun joined the team’s first full-squad practice on Saturday having had a heavy burden lifted. Braun was found free and clear of the substance abuse charges and 50-game suspension he’d been facing heading into the 2012 season. Thank goodness. We would’ve been severely disappointed if our favorite Brewer turned out to be a giant fail.

Akon serenades us with, “I see you in the clubhouse. No girl wants to get with you. I see you in the clubhouse. No one’s showing you love. You’re so not beautiful. So not beautiful. Said you’re so not beautiful. So not beautiful. With your nose.”  

Arbitration

Our discussion of men’s grooming habits last week naturally led to a poll covering the topic. We asked which of our subjects had the best look. 11 of you sounded off. The results? Baffling. Mind blowing. Makes us feel like we’ve smoked crack recently. Of the 11 votes, 5 of you legitimately chose Brian Wilson’s Porn-Bush. We want the 5 of you to close your eyes and play a little imagination game with us. Are your eyes closed? Now imagine you’re alone in a quiet room with your significant other. Your significant other has tied you to a chair. You literally cannot move any part of your body. Your significant other approaches you for a sexy, smoochie. But wait…he/she has a beard the size of an afro sported by many of the actors in Jackie Brown. The beard is getting closer to you. The beard actually touches your lips before their lips can (Lisa just moaned and said, “eww, this is making me itch”). The beard grazing your face feels like a brillo pad and still, their lips haven’t touched yours yet. In fact, their lips can’t reach your lips through the beard because the beard has now taken control of everything. The beard wants to take over the world now. Wants to run for President of the United States. Wants to eat everyone’s firstborn child. Wants to bring about the apocalypse. You can’t escape. Remember, you’re tied to a chair. You’re doomed to face a lifetime of beard suffocation. This is worse than the Salem Witch Trials. You wish you were dead.

Now open your eyes. Still feel warm and fuzzy about your choice? Hmmm? We didn’t think so. The runner up with 4 votes was Justin Verlander’s Gentlemanly Scruff. In Verlander, we trust. Cole Hamels’ Compromise and CJ Wilson’s Effortless Sex each earned 1 vote. Really? The name of Wilson’s look was called “Effortless Sex.” No one bought into that? No. Why would you do something that makes sense? You a-holes bought into a porn bush with food stuck in it. No one voted for Will Rhymes’ Lack of Commitment, Brian McCann’s Proper Beard, Jayson Werth’s Sherwood Forest, or Barry Zito’s Magnum PI Stache.

Tim Lincecum and the Giants are finally closer to a contract agreement that would enable the parties to avoid a salary arbitration hearing. “Industry sources” (who are these industry sources they’re always talking about anyway? Are they fans? Stadium garbage pickers? Grounds Crew members? Concession stand employees? Front office staff? Training staff? Other players? WHO? WHO are these people?????) have confirmed that talks between the club and Lincecum have progressed quite nicely. For a 1-year contract, Lincecum requested $21.5 million and the Giants countered with $17 million. Seriously, Lincecum? $17 million for 1 year’s worth of work is a pretty sweet deal. Take it. Don’t complain. And don’t grow a porn-bush. We’re begging you.

Before we go into the rest of this week’s baseball notes, let’s talk arbitration. Admittedly, when you combine our college educations, you get a BFA in Writing, Literature, and Publishing, a Minor in History (Western Civilization), and 2 years at Nassau Community College studying Liberal Arts. Basically that’s a sh*t ton of useless knowledge and creativity (because we’re “artists”). We have zero smarts when it comes to business or anything related to the legal system. After hearing this term, “arbitration” over and over every offseason and stumbling upon it again when reading about Tim Lincecum, Serena had enough. She Googled “What the f*ck does arbitration mean?” If you knew Serena at all, you’d know that that’s legitimately what she Googled. Apparently, to make a bunch of legal jargon short and sweet, arbitration is basically when two disputing parties agree to let someone else decide the fate of the argument. For example, if we were fighting about whether to order our 10 cent wings Hot or Super Hot, we’d call in Chris, the bar back, to “arbitrate” and make the decision for us. We’d agree to do whatever Chris decided. If we’ve got this concept right (and we think we do), this means that if Tim Lincecum and the Giants have to go to a salary arbitration hearing, a person or persons would determine Lincecum’s salary and Lincecum and the Giants would have to comply with whatever the decision is. Super. Now, here’s why we should be on this arbitration panel:

• We’re awesome. We don’t ever stop being awesome.
• We own suits. Therefore, we’ll look extremely professional while arbitrating your salary or whatever it is you want us to arbitrate
• We like 10 cent wings which means we’re fiscally responsible. We’re not going to overpay athletes for simply playing a game. C’mon. Like we should pay you to play Monopoly or something. Please. You’ll get a salary that we feel is acceptable for what you contribute to the world. So, Timmy? If the Giants are offering you $17 million, you should take it because there’s no way in hell we’re giving you that much money to pitch once every 4-5 games in one season. You’ve got to be out of your goddamn mind. You’ll make the equivalent to a secretary. $35,000/year. If you make it to the World Series, we’ll give you $30 worth of Taco Bell. Anything on the Taco Bell menu that your heart desires…totaling $30. Not $31. Not $30.99. Not $30.01. $30 (including tax). We can discuss a raise after conducting a performance evaluation at your next arbitration hearing in 2013 just like every other hard working American in this country.
• Even though we hang out at a bar every Monday night, we still manage to get up for work on time. We even get dressed and comb our hair. This means that we’re responsible adults…we think. Or it might mean that we have a drinking problem. We’re going to stick with “responsible adults.” Just go with it.
• We work out so when sh*t gets out of hand during the arbitration process, we will be able to exert force and authority in order to reign it in and stay on track.
• We’re inherently lazy. Why will this benefit you? Any time spent away from eating, drinking beer, sleeping, or other bedroom-related activities is pretty much a nuisance to us. Therefore, we will not allow this drag on any longer than it has to. You’ll be in and out before you know it.

And that is why you should vote TBB for Arbitration! TBB 2012! Peace out!

Elsewhere in the league. The Oakland A’s have reportedly shown interest in Manny Ramirez. If you recall, Ramirez retired last season rather than face a heavy suspension for testing positive for steroids a second time around. A real class act. Awesome. Like that stadium needs to be made even uglier. Good job, folks. Keep up the good work out there in Oakland. At this rate, your team will never get a new stadium. At best, someone will blow up the Coliseum and never rebuild it. You’ll be homeless. Exactly how many stupid decisions does a team need to make before their decision-making rights are revoked?

Apparently, Ryan Braun was in Midtown last night. Lisa was also in Midtown last night. She could’ve banged a professional baseball player. Then we would’ve blogged about it so that you could’ve shared in the magic of their night. God, how the fates toy with our emotions. ANYWAY, Braun was in town receiving his NL MVP Award. During his acceptance speech, Braun spoke briefly of the situation regarding the positive results of his drug test. Of course, he denied ever doing steroids (But really, are you going to admit to taking steroids while accepting an award congratulating you for your performance?) and spoke a lot of crap about character and being humbled by this experience and all that mumbo jumbo. Listen, we’re not trying to take away from his eloquent speech here, but let’s face it. We don’t really care. What we care about is the fact that he was in Midtown and Lisa did not hit that sh*t when it counted. Steroids or not. Feel free to Google his acceptance speech though. It’s quite intelligent sounding, which says a lot considering that he is a professional athlete and a power hitter to boot. Power hitters are usually dumb as dirt. Just look at Alex Rodriguez. Good-looking and talented, sure. But he shouldn’t talk anymore. He should remain seen and not heard.

Cyndi Lauper is singing our song: “The phone rings in the middle of the night. It’s a major league baseball team begging us to make things right. Oh, MLB, you know we’re still #1. The TBB just want to arbitrate. Oh, the TBB just want to arbitrate.”

How to Make Lisa Depressed in 5 Votes or Less

There was absolutely no rhyme or reason to last week’s poll. We wish there was point to it, but there isn’t. We asked what would you do for a Klondike Bar. Unfortunately, it seems like you people have grossly interpreted the choices that were made available to you. Now Lisa wants to kill herself and/or gorge herself on M&M cookies. You were supposed to pick the “extreme sport” that you’d be willing to do in order to be rewarded with a Klondike Bar. As in I love Klondike Bars so much that I’d do this just to get one! 5 of you chose “Make out with Lisa.” Do you really think that making out with Lisa is equivalent to an extreme sport? Or did you cotton-headed ninny muggings really think that by choosing this option, you’d get a chance to make out with Lisa? 1 person chose “attempt to ride a great white shark across the Atlantic Ocean.” It’s no secret as to who the person is that chose this option. If you need it spelled out for you, you clearly do not read this blog often enough. Other acceptable choices would have been: wrestling a bear, standing on your head for one whole hour in the middle of Times Square, eating 6 pizzas in one sitting, or streaking through the quad.  

On Monday, Justin Verlander became the first starting pitcher since 1986 (young Boston pitcher, Roger Clemens) to win the AL MVP Award with 280 points. Jacoby Ellsbury finished second in the race with 242 points. There have been arguments against Verlander being the winner, citing that Ellsbury’s numbers/contributions outweigh the worth of Verlander’s. Apparently, there are also a few folks displeased with the outcome of the NL MVP race. Ryan Braun finished ahead of Matt Kemp by 56 points on Tuesday. It’s easier to compare the numbers of Braun to Kemp considering that both are outfielders whereas Ellsbury’s batting and fielding statistics are a wash when compared to Verlander’s pitching statistics. Verlander doesn’t even hit. They’re simply not comparable. The discussion surrounding Braun and Kemp does not lie in the offensive stats, but in the fielding. Braun is not a good fielder, whereas Kemp is. Plus, Kemp plays centerfield, the most important position in the outfield while Braun patrols left. It is hard to argue in favor of a player whose team did not make the playoffs against a player whose team did. Neither Ellsbury nor Kemp helped the Red Sox and Dodgers advance to the playoffs. In fact, both teams failed to perform up to expectations. The Red Sox, in particular, suffered a major collapse at the hands of the Rays late in the season. The MVP should be given to the player that has brought the most value to a team. It boils down to this: Ellsbury might be more valuable in the sense that he played every day and contributed to his team every day, but when push comes to shove, Verlander’s performance directly contributed to the Tigers making it to the playoffs. Ellsbury’s every day playing did nothing to help the Red Sox. Kemp might be a better fielder, but his fielding did not help the Dodgers. Braun’s offensive prowess did however help the Brewers make it to the post season.

The Twins have parted ways with yet another player this week. Closer Joe Nathan signed a 2-year deal with the Rangers worth $14.5 million. This addition will move closer Neftali Feliz into the rotation next season. This begs us to ask the question: are the Twins going to retain anyone??

Mariners outfielder Greg Halman was stabbed to death in his home in Rotterdam, Netherlands. His younger brother was arrested as a suspect in the incident. An investigating judge has ordered that the brother be detained for an additional 2 weeks. Between the abduction and this murder, this baseball offseason is starting to sound like a typical NFL offseason…or NFL regular season for that matter.

The Red Sox are expected to announce their new manager within the next few days. The options have been whittled down to either Bobby Valentine or Gene Lamont. This decision obviously has more effect on Serena than Lisa being that Lisa is a Mets fan and has more of an adverse reaction to anything Phillies-related. Therefore, Serena prefers Gene Lamont because the sight of him and the sound of his voice won’t make her throw up in her mouth like Bobby Valentine will. So…Red Sox, if you’re listening, go with Lamont. We know what we’re talking about. Look at what has happened to the teams/players in the past who haven’t listened to us…most specifically the Mets.

In touring-related news, we’ve finally decided which series we’ll be going to this season! We’ll be visiting Atlanta in May for the Braves/Nationals series, Toronto in July for the Blue Jays/Tigers series (the fact that Verlander pitches for Detroit is a minor coincidence), and DC in August for the Nationals/Cardinals series. MLB 2012, here we come!

Horrible poll voters, “you’re the meaning in Lisa’s life, you’re not the inspiration. You bring Lisa on the edge and now she might jump.”

Use the Force for Good!

I am just a lonely co-pilot today. Captain Serena is off working the Autism Speaks walk at Jones Beach today. There she is helping to raise lots of money and awareness for a great cause as well as stalking Star Wars storm troopers and jumping on jump jumps. They are so conveniently part of the entertainment for today’s event. I wonder who was in charge of hiring them. Mhmmmmmmmm! In the fine words of your brother “Serena your five”! I too helped out for the Autism Speaks foundation by being the honorary bagel delivery girl! My car now has the tantalizing scent of garlic from picking up 5 large garbage bags of bagels that was so nicely donated from Town bagel of Bellmore and Plainview for the walk. I wish Autism Speaks lots of luck on the walk today!!

Moving onto our poll results. Glad to see there is only one a**hat among the voters last week. We had asked you minions “Who had celebrated victory better? Six of you voted for “The Diamondbacks were so dull it makes me think the entire roster is bad in the sack” We agree! Not to be dirty birds but shaking a champagne bottle is the same motion as well…. You do the movement and let me know what it reminds you of. Go ahead do it now I’ll wait… Now that we all have perverted thoughts in our heads we can go on. If that’s a glimpse of what’s going down in the boudoir then it’s true you all must be bad in the sack. One malicious person voted for “The TBB are stupid. Go Diamondbacks!” Well we think you’re stupid AND were pretty sure you’re probably bad in the sack. You seem to be taking out your sexual frustrations on two innocent females. I mean c’mon did you see our Epic photo. If that photo does not scream celebration then I don’t know what does. We are too legit too legit to quit. Shakalaka Shakalaka !

Baseball Notes:

Jose Reyes needs a lesson in baseball etiquette. On Wednesday at the last NY Mets game of the season Reyes bunted the second pitch he got in the first inning once he was safe at first he then took himself out of the game. This sneaky move basically won him the Nl batting title as well as the first batting title for the NY Mets team. Reyes was up against Milwaukee Brewers Ryan Braun who would have had to have gotten 3 hits on Wednesday night and sadly went 0-4. It was reported that fans booed Reyes which I could not agree more. Fans pay a lot of money to go to these games and to even hope to witness something special and you pull that bullsh*t. This is why it makes it so hard for me to be a fan of you again. Who are you Reyes? I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.
When Reyes was asked about his covert operation he was quoted as saying this- “They have to understand what's going on," Reyes said. "They have to feel happy if I win the batting title. I do it for the team and for the fans, too” No you did not do it for the fans. I am pretty confident that most Mets fans like me could careless if a Mets player took the NL batting title. I would much rather see hmmm… I don’t know maybe a miraculous appearance in the playoffs and for the team to win the NL East Division again. Let’s not kid ourselves Jose you did it so that you could get more money from hopefully some other team next season now that you have this lame title under your belt. Don’t use us poor fans as an excuse for your poor sportsmanship! I am making Ryan Braun Super Hero of the week for when he was asked about the situation he was extremely classy about it something Jose Reyes knows nothing about!

Besides buntgate happening on Wednesday. Wednesday night proved to be quit the entertaining night. Many baseball fans eagerly waited to see the playoff matchups with both Wild Card division titles still up for grabs. The St Louis Cardinals would go ahead and lay the smack down on the Houston Astros winning 8-0. The Cardinals eagerly awaited the results of the Braves vs Phillies matchup. A Braves lost would send Albert and the boys on there merry way to the playoffs and that is precisely what had happened. Atlanta lost 4-3 to Philadelphia in 13 innings. Speaking of Extra innings the Rays were battling it out with the Yankees while Boston went on and lost to the last place Baltimore Orioles. Boston’s only hope was ironically to root on their arch nemesis the Yankees for a Tampa Bay loss would cause a one game Wild Card playoff between them to decide the AL Wild Card winner.

As we all know since it is Sunday and the playoffs are happening as we speak that did not happen. Evan Longoria crashed Boston’s pipe dream when he hit a walk off homer. I am so happy that for once it was not the NY Mets that CHOKED this year! They took themselves out as early as opening day so I was well prepared for failure this year. Feel my pain Braves and Red Sox fans. Doesn’t feel so good does it? So ladies and gents our first round playoff match ups are as followed.

Tigers vs Yankees

Rays vs Rangers

Diamondbacks vs Brewers

St Louis vs Phillies

On Thursday it was announced that the Chicago White Soxs have parted ways with manager Ozzie Guillen by trading him to the Florida Marlins for two minor Leaguers Jhan Marinez and Osvaldo Martinez. Marinez, a 23-year-old right-hander, finished the season in Double-A Jacksonville. He went 3-8 with a 3.57 ERA and three saves in 56 games. He struck out 74 and walked 42 in 58 innings. Martinez, a 23-year-old shortstop, hit .245 with three homers and 26 RBIs in 88 games with Triple-A New Orleans this year. I had no clue you could trade a manager. If I knew this I would of so tried to talk the Mets into trading Jerry Manuel for some little league players.

Terry Francona manger of the Boston Red Sox who led the club to its first two World Series championships since 1918 will not be returning next season. Francona said multiple times it was his decision not to return. The Red Sox held option years for Francona for the next two seasons, and had until Oct. 8 to decide to pick up the 2012 pact, which would have paid him $4.25 million. Francona met with general manager Theo Epstein on Thursday which just so happened to be the day after the Red Sox managed to blow a 9 game lead in the standings in September and not make it to the post season. Now that’s an Epic collapse!! I’m thinking that’s far worse then any Mets collapse I had to deal with. Francona was asked if he would consider improving some of his techniques, rather than stepping down. He indicated that one reason he didn't do that is because he didn't know if ownership was as much behind him as in years past. Farewell Francona I wish you well!

Exciting news is that the TBB attended game 1 of the Yankees vs Tigers game not once but twice. Due to the Asstastic weather in New York our game was postponed and we had to trug on out to the boogie down Bronx again on Saturday night. Keep your eyes peeled for that post!

So as of Saturday night here are the teams that have taken the lead. The Yankees took game one last night against the Tigers. The Rays and Rangers are now tied after playing game two. St Louis disappointed me losing to the Fugly Phillies. Phillies lead 1-0. The Brewers won last night and lead the series against the Diamondbacks.

Late breaking news here! I got a text from Serena that Darth Vader is at the Autism Speaks walk at Jones beach! Go get Darth Serena! Use the force!

That’s all folks enjoy October baseball!!!

-Lisa

Ryan Braun’s Graffito

Ryan Braun’s Graffito
102 N. Water Street
Milwaukee, WI 53202
414-727-2888

Last week, we covered our visit to Miller Park and discussed the different personalities we encountered during the game. The Seat Nazi prompted us to ask if our readers were Seat Nazis. Of the 4 responses, 2 people agreed with us that “No, it’s a f*cking sporting event. Chill out.” We have 1 Seat Nazi in the mix because “his/her ticket purchase pays the bills at the stadium.”Finally, 1 individual doesn’t care so much about the game because there are cheerleaders grinding on the field and dugout.

So the “Hebrew Hammer” owns an Italian restaurant in the Historic Third Ward District of Milwaukee. We Googled the situation and apparently the Hebrew Hammer chose “Italian” because of the neighborhood’s history. We’re thinking that maybe he should’ve gone with a steakhouse instead of Italian cooking “made from scratch,” but we’ll go with it. Naturally, we took it upon ourselves to eat there because we’re the “Traveling Baseball Babes” and he’s Ryan Braun, so there’s clearly a relation here. Plus, we like to eat. Bonus.

We actually found Ryan Braun’s Graffito by accident while wandering around the area, waiting for our tour guide. We figured that since Ryan Braun fit into our trip’s theme, we’d eat dinner there after our food and wine tour of the city. Makes total sense. After eating fried fish, apple strudel, German potato salad, bratwurst and sauerkraut, chocolate cake, custard, chocolate cheese and drinking 6 beers, a glass of wine, and some sort of home brewed red soda, we rolled ourselves into Graffito. Hey…we did a lot of walking! It works up an appetite.

The hostess made us feel like we were a bit underdressed. She was this adorable little tight bodied thing (who might be sleeping with Ryan Braun) in a tiny black mini skirt and sexy, sexy black stilettos. We looked this after spending an entire day eating and being beaten by strong, cold winds:

Clearly, our faced were wind burned, we needed a brush, and we probably needed to shower. We would’ve gotten a little classier before dinner, but it was too much of a pain to take a bus to the hotel, only to turn around and take another bus back into downtown just to change outfits.

Nevertheless, she cheerfully sat us at a table near the window. After removing our outerwear, we looked a tad better, but still…not very classy:

(note this picture was taken at Mader’s, NOT at Graffito)

The menu is actually extremely reasonable and it’s pretty well-rounded. Even a picky eater should be able to find something that they’ll like. Our waiter, while extremely efficient, was…searching for a good word…borderline insane. He was TOO attentive. Lisa was frightened to sip her water because immediately after taking a sip, he crawled out of her ass to refill her glass. He wouldn’t let Serena open her own tea bag. It was the most uncomfortable dining experience we’ve had the pleasure of being a part of. By the end of the meal, we had it down to a science. DON’T (under any circumstances) MAKE EYE CONTACT.

We ordered calamari that was served in a paper cone and came with two different sauces that had fancy names that were basically a spicy marinara and lemon cream sauce. It was $11. Serena was able to convince Lisa to eat the tentacles for the first time. We also ordered Gnocchi in meat sauce (cos’ god f*cking forbid we should stop at ONE app) for $8. Soooo yummy.

For dinner, Serena ordered linguine with clams for $16 and Lisa ordered some sort of pasta dish with a poached egg on top. We can’t find it on the menu anymore, so Ryan Braun only knows what the hell that dish was called. It was probably around $16 as well. Before dinner arrived though, our Super Waiter HAD to deliver the bread. Apparently, at Graffito, warm bread isn’t just served in a basket before your meal. That’s not good enough. At Graffito, your waiter has to perform magic tricks and Super Waiter was no exception. He sauntered over to our table with flourish and announced that he’d be preparing our dip “from scratch.” This boy literally mixed olive oil with pre-chopped black olives, garlic, grated cheese, and salt in a dish as if this was a dish prepared by Todd English. He even instructed us HOW to create this concoction as if only a rocket scientist could do what he did. We could only watch, open-mouthed.

Overall, we enjoyed our meal at Ryan Braun’s Graffito and would totally recommend it to anyone in the area. HOWEVER, be warned that you could end up with a creeper waiter and he might stalk you to the ladies’ room because you’re not allowed to find it by yourself. You NEED him to direct you or else lives could be lost.

Oh…PS—we just remembered that our fat asses also ate dessert (Sorry…WHY is Serena questioning where her JLO ass comes from? Could it be from the amount of food she eats on a regular basis? MAYBE? What do ya think?). We ordered this AWESOME fried dough dish that was served with a chocolate sauce and a raspberry sauce. It was basically small zeppoli nuggets. The menu calls the dish Bambolini and it’s $6.

Baseball notes! New York Mets pitcher Dillon Gee is currently 7-0 and the only undefeated starter in the National League. How ironic. And he plays for the Mets. Something good came out of the season after all.

Supposedly, if things go well, Joe Mauer will return to the lineup by Thursday or Friday! Now…should Serena start him right off the bat for Tigers Love Pepper OR stick with AJ Pierzynski, who has been so delightful as a replacement these past months?

The Yankees placed Bartolo Colon on the 15-day DL today because of a strained left hamstring.

This song goes out to the eager beaver Super Waiter: “I’ll be there for you, these 5 words I’ll swear to you, when your water gets low, I’ll be there for you! I’ll mash all the garlic cloves in the world for you, I’ll be there for you! When you eat, I wanna wipe your mouth for you, I’ll be serving you. I’ll pour and I’ll tidy for you. Words can’t say what me serving you can do. I’ll be there for you.”