The Hot Dog Files

We’d like to begin by apologizing for our dull and unimportant posting last week. We don’t know exactly what happened, but somehow two women who typically cannot shut up (that would be us, in case you can’t figure it out) managed to have nothing of interest to say. Literally nothing. Even our poll was sad and completely unrelated to baseball, which could explain why we only got 5 votes. With St. Patty’s Day just a few short weeks away, we asked for your opinion on what song we should perform during karaoke. None of the options were Irish, drinking-related, or green-themed, which in retrospect, seems a little retarded and we only offered you one baseball choice (John Fogerty’s “Centerfield”), which no one took. The results were divided as follows: 1 apiece for Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain,” Bon Jovi’s “Bed of Roses,” and The Proclaimers’ “I Would Walk 500 Miles,” and the remaining 2 votes went to TLC’s “No Scrubs.”

Apparently no one thought it would be funny to witness us perform Cher and Peter Cetera’s duet from the movie Chances Are, which completely baffles us for several reasons. For starters, “After All” is an extremely poignant ballad about love standing the test of time. Second of all, it’s a DUET and there are two of us singing. Third of all, Robert Downey Jr. starred in Chances Are and who doesn’t love him? Finally, someone voted for Bon Jovi’s “Bed of Roses.” What the hell? How creepy do you think we are? Have we portrayed our relationship to be as bizarrely close as Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora’s is? Can you really imagine us singing “I wanna lay you down in a bed of roses, for tonight I’ll sleep on a bed of nails” to each other? Where did we go wrong with you? Why would you pick that song over “After All?” At least “After All” is a cheesy 80’s song.

We also feel that “I Would Walk 500 Miles” should’ve gotten more votes as well because out of the entire list, it was the only choice that could constitute being a drunk song and we are talking St. Patty’s Day here.

Now for the topic of the day: John Coomer has filed a lawsuit against the Kansas City Royals for more than $25,000 to compensate for injuries he sustained during at September 8th game in which he was hit in the eye by flying hot dog thrown by Sluggerr, the team mascot. Apparently, the dog beating left Coomer with a detached retina and contributed to the development of cataracts in his left eye. The team is currently seeking someone new to don Sluggerr’s lion costume, but according to team officials, this has no connection to the hot dog incident. A likely story.

First of all, how this man got hit in the face with a hot dog is beyond us. To quote Lisa, “that hot dog would’ve gone straight into my pie hole, not my eye. Like a seal doing a trick at Sea World.” This man’s lawsuit is single handedly ruining it for the rest of us hot dog fans. Now the Royals are never going to throw free hot dogs at the fans because of this uncoordinated fool who decided to catch a hot dog with his eye instead of his hands. Furthermore, how could you not notice a hot dog flying in your direction?

Second of all, that poor Sluggerr. Now he’s unemployed. Despite the team insisting that this recently vacant position has nothing to do with the deadly hot dog, we beg to differ. What else could have caused it cos’ it’s pretty obvious that no one in their right mind would ever quit a job of this magnitude of their own free will. Lisa has been on the waiting list for the Mets’ Pepsi Party Patrol for decades now. It’s her childhood dream to be a member, but she fears that she’s becoming too old to fill a spot on that roster.

However, one man’s loss is another TBB’s gain. We would love to apply for the position of Sluggerr. We feel that we have many admirable qualities that would make us an asset to the Royals’ fan forum. We’d like to share our resume with you and hope that the Royals will take interest in hiring us. Clearly, they need to hire both of us because during hot weather, one person cannot possibly suffer for an entire game. Think of us as being a mascot bull pen. Even starters need relief once in awhile and that’s where we come in as a dynamic duo.

We feel strongly that our work history has no bearing on our future in Kansas City. It’s our skill sets and personalities that are important. Here’s why we’d make excellent mascots:

Since we’ll be wearing a giant head, our looks will have no bearing on this position.

We dance like NTAC’s sober and without any sort goading, so clearly we’re destined to be bustin’ a move on some team’s dugout in costume. We’re also experts on the YMCA and the Electric Slide.

Since we know how it feels to be rejected by an MLB mascot, we would make it our daily mission to ensure that every single fan departs Kaufmann Stadium with a photo taken with us. That way, everyone will experience the joy that a mascot brings to the world.

We’re very punctual which means we will be present at every game prior to first pitch. We’re even flexible enough to attend away games, whether the home team wants us there or not. We’re willing to do what it takes to show team pride. We’ve already demonstrated our abilities to adapt easily to any climate, overall fan attitude, and stadium layout through our experiences in traveling to other stadiums.

Because Serena is a former softball player, she can more than handle throwing hot dogs to hungry fans. In light of Mr. Coomer’s situation, she’ll guarantee that she won’t throw
food at fans’ eyeballs.

We’re baseball lovers which means we’re going to love reporting to work every day. How many people can say they truly love their jobs?

We also have tons of expertise in trash talking. Therefore we’re confident in our aptitude for annoying the opposing team to the point of making costly mistakes and directly contributing the Royals winning the World Series.

Lisa is a proficient quad driver and can navigate the field on wheels effortlessly prior to game time.

That’s basically all we have to offer our future employers, so Kansas City Royals, if you’re reading this, you should totally hire us.

In stadium touring related news, which is the whole point of this blog (though based on our last couple of posts, you may not have remembered that), we have finally booked airfare to Los Angeles. Lisa will be booking our level Tier 2 San Diego Wyndham Rewards hotel this evening. The only thing remaining on our planning to do list is buy baseball tickets! Single-game tickets for the Angels go on sale tomorrow and tickets for the Padres and Dodgers will be on sale next Saturday, 3/6. We will keep you posted on our successes (and hopefully, not failures).

Our baseball notes section for this week is pretty scant, but we’re going to give it to you anyway because we know how you’ve come to rely on us heavily for baseball news. We’d hate to disappoint you. Johnny Damon has agreed to a 1 year deal with the Tigers worth $8 million, which is drastically lower than what Scott Boras had asked for on his behalf from the Yankees. We still think that he should’ve gone with a job at Party City, but whatever. On Tuesday, Aaron Boone announced his retirement from baseball. He will debut as ESPN’s “Baseball Tonight” panel starting in March. He will also make select appearances on ESPN as a game analyst. Hopefully, Joe Morgan won’t be around for those games. With Boone’s retirement, Lisa officially feels ancient.

Til’ next week, we bid you adieu. “We wish we were an Oscar Meyer wiener, that is what we really want to be. If we were Oscar Meyer wieners then everyone in the baseball world will love the TBB!”