Sunday, January 25, 2015

Our Day with Bryce Harper

One of our followers suggested that we chronicle a day spent with a baseball player. Since this happens pretty often, we had to narrow down which story to share with you. We chose our random Tuesday spent with Bryce Harper because we figured that none of you really wanted to hear about our special friends that play for the Yankees and Mets (and by special, we mean "imaginary"). Plus, the restraining order is official and we're not allowed within 25 yards of those guys, soooooo....yeah. That's why we have to get our seats in the upper deck all the time. We're not cheap. Just ostracized.

So anyway. Back to Bryce. Since he's a child, we picked him up early from nursery school with his mother's permission...of course. We're not kidnappers. Sheesh. From the Children of Hope Academy for the Gifted, we drove Bryce (safely buckled into his car seat naturally...we're very responsible) in our rental Prius to play laser tag. It was Pizza Party Day at Laser Tag Land, so Bryce ate an entire pizza by himself even though we told him that it was a highly illogical thing to do. Boy, were we right. After a few minutes running around the laser tag course, Bryce threw up all over one of the girls on the green team. It was gross, but truth be told, she kind of deserved it. She was trash talking Lisa all over the place. She had to go. Unfortunately, the vomit incident prompted management to escort us from the vicinity. Turns out, being Bryce Harper doesn't get you everything.

We buckled Bryce back into his car seat, intending on heading to Friendly's for some ice cream sundaes, but Bryce stopped us. He said, "Listen here, my soul sistahs from another mistah, I'm having a fantabulous time, but February IS just around the corner and I need to get some work done. Can we hit up a batting cage instead?" Serena, being that she is a professional personal trainer, had an even better idea. We decided to take him to a local mini golf course instead. At first, Bryce was skeptical, but then Lisa reminded him of the fact that we basically transformed Tim Lincecum into a sparkling peacock that wins championships and he gave in. Case in point.

At the mini golf course, we bought Bryce a Good Humor Bubble Play ice pop and let him choose the pink golf ball. He gets very upset when he doesn't get his way. In fact, we always let him win because if we don't, we throws a temper tantrum and it's embarrassing. For us. While we waited our turn at the windmill hole (it took him at least twenty swings to get the ball through the windmill), Bryce mentioned that he proposed to his girlfriend, Kayla. Immediately, we voiced our displeasure. "You're too young to get married!"
Lisa: "How did you even propose?"
Serena: "On construction paper written in Crayola Crayon?"
Lisa: "With a Ringpop? What flavor was it?"
Serena: "Do you even know what we were doing at your age?"
Lisa: "Having a great time! Being awesome!"
Serena: "God, Bryce! You can't even tie your own shoes yet!"
Lisa: "Next thing you'll tell us is that you want children. Children having children! What's this world coming to?"
Serena: "You can barely recite the entire alphabet."

Upset by our tirade, Bryce ran off, screaming that he wasn't going to invite us to the wedding anymore (like we cared). Serena was fine with this outcome because she really didn't want to have to make the trip to drive him home anyway because it was out of the way and there were no Taco Bells in the area, but Lisa felt it was extremely irresponsible of us to not return him home to his mother like we'd promised. Ugh. We went after him and found him crying by himself on one of the coin operated french poodle rides outside of the mini golf place. Serena has no patience for this kind of crap, so she slapped him. It made him cry louder. He called Serena a "meanie." Lisa agreed that Serena HAD acted like a meanie, but that he also had to respect the opinion of his elders. He understood and apologized for being such an asshole, but asked us to please be respectful of his life choices and to his bride-to-be. We grumbled a reply, which was satisfactory to him, but really meant nothing to us, so as far as we're concerned, we agreed to nothing.

After that, we got giant cupcakes and drove Bryce home. He fell asleep in his car seat with chocolate smeared on his face. He looked like such a clown. After bidding his lovely mother farewell (she loves us...our photo is in a frame on the fireplace next to Bryce's engagement photos that had been taken at Nationals Ballpark), we drove ourselves to the airport for the trip home. It was a very long day, but it did help us reach a very important decision about our lifestyle choices. We've decided not to befriend any more baseball players because obviously they're all a bunch of overrated babies.

The End.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

Truthfully, we are somewhat surprised that you even participated in our TBB Q&A session. Not many of you participated, but there was legitimate participation here. Congrats. We're so proud.

Below are your questions copied and pasted from their various locations on the world wide web. They appear within quotation marks. Our answers are in italics.

"What is the meaning of life?"
You are born. You go to school. Some of you will graduate. You will have high hopes and aspirations to be something great. You get an underpaying job working for "the man" and if you're lucky, it comes with health benefits and a retirement plan. Maybe you have a family who will bleed you dry of what little money you make. Then you die, your dreams unfulfilled.

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Since it's a woodchuck, it can chuck a lot. Like all of Abe Lincoln's log cabin.

"Have you ever bought a five dollar hot cocoa at a ballpark?"
No. But James once bought us hot cocoa at Yankees Opening Day and for that we are thankful. Also, it was more than $5 because it came in a travel cup.

"Aside from the Mets and Yankees name your next favorite team?" (There were two requests for this question)
Lisa likes the Nationals and Pirates (because she likes Pirates) while Serena follows the Twins and Rays.

"Altoids or Extra gum?"
Gum

"How did you two end up meeting?"
This sounds like the start of a romantic comedy. We met at a job where we would spend our days designing PowerPoint Presentations making fun of people and accidentally downloading viruses to other people's computers by visiting porn sites instead of shoe sites.

"What is your favorite Taco Bell food item?"
That's like asking your mother who her favorite child is. Do we really have to pick?

"What would be your walk up to the plate song be?"
Who could commit to just one thing for the rest of their career? We change our minds like we change underwear. Lisa might pick Tina Turner's Simply the Best one day and Bon Jovi's Living On A Prayer (because she'll need a prayer if she ever expects to hit a ball. Serena, on the other hand, could go anywhere from NIN's Closer to Eric Clapton's Layla (because she likes old men him and Kevin Costner).

"Is it ok to wear your home teams jersey to a different sporting event. Meaning, would you wear a New York Giants NFL jersey to a Mets/Yankee game? Is it ok to wear a Boston Celtics jersey to a Patriots game? This past season, I was at a Dodger game the day after the LA Kings won the Stanley Cup; a couple of fans came in their Kings jerseys, were showed on the big screen and were booed. Dodger fans yelled “this is a baseball game.” Granted I know Dodger fans boo everything, but did they have a point to boo the Kings fans or where they wrong. Your thoughts?"
We wore our Giants jerseys to a Yankees game when the Giants were in the playoffs. It's totally fine. Those Dodger fans sound like narrowminded dicks.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Your Opportunity to Interrogate Us

Trying to fulfill one of our New Year's resolutions right out the gate here. We promised you a chance to participate in a Q&A with us and now here's your chance. You have one full week to post whatever question you've always wanted answered. You can post your questions in the comments section of this blog post, Facebook (privately or to our wall), or Twitter (@TravelingBBabes). We will answer all of your questions in next week's blog. Before we allow you to unleash the Kraken, there are some ground rules.

1. You may not ask us what our bra sizes are.
2. We will not acknowledge requests for nudie photos. No one really wants that anyway.
3. You may not request a video strip tease, which would basically only consist of us doing the running man in our knickers anyway. Hardly interesting.
4. We will not kiss.
5. Don't quiz Lisa on spelling or grammar.
6. This is not a game of Truth or Dare. This is a Q&A, so there'll be no "I triple dog dare you..."
7. No, we will not have sex with you.
8. There is a 98.7% chance that we won't be going on any field trips with you, so you're probably better off not asking. You'll need to undergo rigorous testing for us to determine your level of creepiness before that happens. 
9. Be creative. Don't ask us something stupid like, "which one is Lisa and which one is Serena?"
10. We will not be donating any organs or samples of DNA for this, so don't waste your breath asking.

Happy question posting. You'll understand if we don't hold our breath while we wait for you.

Monday, January 5, 2015

A Second Stab at the Whole New Years Resolution...Thingy

Okay. It seems as if we're not really good at sticking to resolutions. Like the rest of America (it's been stated that only 45% of Americans actually make New Years resolutions and of those 45%, only 8% actually fulfill their resolution(s) to their satisfaction). As promised, we did, in fact, print out a copy of our resolutions and carry them around with us, but that didn't seem to help us stay on track. We're not sure what happened. The year just...got away from us. Or something. We made "some" progress on the 2013 resolutions and "some" progress on the 2014. Let's relieve the ones we didn't accomplish broken down by year, shall we?

2013 Failures:
1. Cover a World Series game in person even if the Mets or Yankees aren't in the playoffs. Somehow, we'll figure it out.
2. Covering the remaining playoff games from the bar. Literally. As in we'll bring the internet machine to a bar, hack the bar's WiFi (side note: the password is quite often the bar's phone number), and cover the games. In addition to the blog post, we'll also post commentary to Twatter. (@TravelingBBabes). Follow us. Do it. In our defense, we lost our bar, so we need a new one.
3. Get TOWSNBN to take a picture with Lisa. This is hardly considered a shocker. Let's be real. This may never happen.
5. Visit and blog about our visit to the Baseball Hall of Fame. The fact that we haven't accomplished this yet is borderline pathetic. It's opened during the off season, within driving easy, and just an overall simple task to accomplish. We have no idea why we can't get our sh*t together and just do it. 
6. Spy a professional player in plain clothes. We stress professional. You and your beer bully running around a baseball field in dirty sweatpants that you haven't washed in months doesn't count as a baseball player.
7. It may not be fiscally possible for us to attend more Yankees and Mets games, but we will do everything in our power to cover baseball more actively, whether that means talking to bar patrons/baseball fans during games or stalking tailgate parties. Yeah. This is literally the worst baseball blog ever.
8. Establish a weblog. - Honestly, we still don't know what a weblog is. How can we expect ourselves to establish something we don't even understand?
9. Get on the jumbotron together at any stadium.
10. Be recognized at a game for being the world renown Traveling Baseball Babes.
11. TBB World Domination. So far, we haven't even dominated Facebook, so....

2014:
1. Lisa finally watches all of the Star Wars movies. Even the bad ones staring Natalie Portman (the acting equivalent to a cardboard box). Again, this is a relatively task to accomplish, yet we've failed to do so.
2. Get one professional baseball player to follow us (whether it be on the blog, Facebook, Twatter, Instagram, or Google+).
3. Post a Q&A. Something about us that you're curious to know? We'll give you a period of time where you can email/message/post/etc. anything you want to know about Lisa, Serena, or both of us and we will dedicate an entire blog post to your questions. Please no requests for photos of us naked or in our knickers. Don't be creepy.  Maybe we'll do this next week so we can start feeling a little better about ourselves being such resolution rejects.
4. Serena will get a good night's sleep. And by a good night's sleep, we mean the recommended 7-8 hours as opposed to her usual 2-4 hours.Yeah, no. This might also have to fall under the list called, "Never Gonna Happen."

Things we actually accomplished in 2013!
1. Attend Star Wars Night.
2. Score 200 followers on Facebook. We're currently at 185. - FINALLY! At press time, we currently stand at 203 followers. What the hell took us so long? Are we not lovable or something? 
3. Serena will finally get a job with the Yankees even if that means she's responsible for cleaning all of Derek Jeter's 4 million pairs of shoes that reside in his locker. Well...now Jeter's no longer with us. BUT Serena did get a new job at a fancy gym and an Islanders' girlfriend trains there. That sort of counts. Halfsies. 

Three. We only checked off an additional 3 items from the 2013 list. That's deplorable.

2014:
1. Get rid of Kitty aka: the one called "Max." Unfortunately, we've replaced Max with another kitty, but at least we like this kitty. 
2. Attend Opening Day together.
3. Win the "Shiva Bowl" in our fantasy leagues. Bonus points for the other TBB making it into the playoffs as well. Boom. Serena took Tigers Love Pepper into the Shiva Bowl after a not-so-good start to the season and beat the panties out of her opponents. Suck it, bitches!
4. Serena will have a penetration partner and Lisa will have a baby daddy. Not the same man (which shouldn't be too difficult seeing as how we're attracted to totally different men). We're gonna go "halfsies" on this one. Lisa may not have a baby daddy and Serena may not have a penetration partner, BUT Lisa does have prospects and Serena has been penetrated this year, soooooo....progress.

Since we haven't accomplished much in two years' worth of resolutions, we're not adding any new ones to the pile. We'll just keep chipping away at the current list of neglected resolutions.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Last Christmas

It's that time of year again, folks. A time of magic, Mariah Carey, jingle bells, sugar cookies, and our annual TBB Christmas carol. This year, we'd like to share with you our rendition of Wham's Last Christmas. We actually just watched the video. It's incredible. We're going to post the link here so that you can experience its majesty as well.

Last Christmas, we asked Beltran to go away, 
but the very next day, he stayed with the Yankees.
This year, to save us from tears,
we'll ask for someone special. 

Once bitten and twice shy, 
we've made mistakes, 
but select players still catch our eye.
Max Scherzer, 
do you recognize us?
We write a blog and are clearly very funny. 
(Merry Christmas) - we creepily whisper in your ear

We're going to wrap a sexy contract and send it
with a note saying, "We'd love for you to come to New York."
We mean it. 
Now we know what fools our teams are, 
but if you sign with us now,
we'll give you an autographed picture of Alyssa Milano.

Last Christmas, we asked for better players,
but the very next day, we got a sh*t load of outfielders. 
This year, to save us from tears,
we're begging something special.

Oh, oh, baby.

A crowded stadium,
fans with tired eyes.
You're hiding from us
with TOWSNBN
(because he's a dick) - we whisper creepily in your ear.
Holy sh*t balls, we think you could be someone to rely on. 
Us? We promise not to make fun of you so you won't need a shoulder to cry on.

An arm of a pitcher with a fire in his heart.
If you go to another team, it will tear us apart, ooh-hoo.
New York could be your real love, you'll never want to leave again.

Last Christmas, we asked for a playoff shot,
but the very next day, they gave it away.
This year, to save us from tears,
we'll settle for not coming in last. That would be special.

(Special) - we whisper creepily in your ear.


Sunday, December 7, 2014

It's Been Awhile

So...it's the off season. For baseball and for us, clearly. Overall, it's been a pretty chaotic last few weeks for us. Besides that, we're not really sure you even noticed our absence. We fed you old garbage and you ate it up like hungry, hungry hippos. Also, no one signed our Jayson Werth petition, so nice job guys. How do you expect him to listen to us if you don't support us?

In all honesty, it's becoming increasingly challenging to find sh*t to write about during this time of year. Throw in our severe ADD and it's an all around sh*t show. Lisa arrived at Serena's house at 7:20 pm and it took us an hour to stop surfing the internet, looking up Vinylmation toys, and perusing our Disney Facebook photo album.

Since it's so difficult for us to find creative blog topics to write about during the November and December months (and sometimes January), we'd like your feedback. This means you actually need to respond. If you don't respond, this request defeats the purpose. The most interesting topics we receive (either via Blogger, email, Twatter, or Facebook) will be covered here on the blog. You'll also get credit for coming up with the idea and if we're feeling particularly generous, we will send you a prize. Probably something incredible like an autographed photo of Alyssa Milano...or us in action mode.

We leave you with this random photo to get you through your darkest hours:

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Jayson Werth, Buy a F*cking Razor! Check Groupon Goods for Sales!

Welcome to Movember. One of the best times of the entire year. A time for men to embrace their inner manliness (because let's face it, men are now all a bunch of pansies who get their eyebrows and sh*t waxed). Unfortunately, there are those on this planet that abuse Movember 365 days of the year. Since this is a baseball blog, we're not going to waste time belly aching about the idiots we see on a day to day basis. We're going to focus on the King of Facial Hair Failures himself: Jayson Werth.

It is important that we emphasize just how often this man offends the very essence of mankind. Worldwide. This man has not only appeared in one facial hair blog posting, but in every single one. Including a special letter designed specifically for him. The only facial hair related blog post that he's not featured in is our letter to Barry Zito and that's only because we had bigger fish to fry that day.

There aren't words to describe what Jayson Werth has become. To call him the missing link would be an insult to the missing link. Behold:
We're done. We're done with him and his asinine behavior. We're throwing down the gauntlet. If this a-hole doesn't shave his f*cking sh*t off by Thanksgiving, we're demanding that he allows us to shave him for men's health related charities. Of course, since he's rich, he'll be writing the check for these donations. We ask all of you to show your support for this cause by leaving words of encouragement in the comments section of this blog post. We will then take this blog post/petition and pepper his social media outlets with it.

Since it's Movember, he can't shave his hair completely off. Therefore, to help Jayson, we've compiled some examples of what acceptable and desirable facial hair looks like:

Tom Selleck and the moustache:
Actually, we don't think anyone but Tom Selleck should be rocking a Tom Selleck moustache because technically, it's creepy and only he can pull it off. So maybe he needs to find another moustache to choose from. Perhaps he should Google Johnny Depp.

Chris Evans shows what it's like to wear a beard the right way. That's he is Captain America and Jayson Werth is an a-hole.
Brad Pitt is not only a political activist, but he also knows how to groom a proper goatee. Take notes.
Lastly, and Serena's personal favorite, the 5:00 shadow. Jensen Ackles is basically a super hero at crafting the 5:00 shadow. Maybe you should try reaching out to him to ask for some help. We think he has an official Facebook page.
Traveling Baseball Babes, join us in this call to arms! Do not stand for this malarkey any longer! Join us! And fight! We stand together united in hatred for stupid beard choices!