Sunday, February 4, 2018

Globe Life Park

Globe Life Park
1000 Ballpark Way
Arlington, TX 76011

August 18, 2017

Before we get to Arlington, you should know that a lot of shit went wrong on this trip. A lot. We're not even going to discuss the idiocy of our hotel (The Magnolia - don't ever stay there. WORST customer service and possibly the stupidest people you'll ever meet). Let's just discuss our rental car situation. This is the car we ended up driving all over the state of Texas:
No, we did not select this vehicle. This is the vehicle that was handed to us. It was also over 100 degrees outside and humid AF. There is no way in hell that we'd opt to put the top down. Lastly, the size of the bugs that ended up as corpses all over this car were prehistorically large. Like the kind of size that would make T-Rex nervous. If one of us got hit with one of them while on the road, we would've crashed the car into a field of longhorns. Game over. 

This rental car also came from the SECOND rental car place visited in one day. Why, do you ask? Oh, funny story really. Lisa booked a rental car MONTHS in advance. The rental car was a mere 2 miles from our shitty, but expensive hotel. With the stupid staff people. Upon arrival at our first rental car place, we were informed that we could not use our debit cards to secure our rental. This was listed nowhere on the website when Lisa booked the car or on her confirmation email. Unfortunately, we've been on this "debt free" kick, so we chose NOT to travel with our credit cards for the first time ever. We were slightly panicked as the whole point of the rental car was to get our asses to Arlington to see the Rangers play. And then see The Alamo later that week. The manager suggested that we could possibly use our debit card if we went all the way back to the airport and rented a totally different car there. Um, no. 

Lisa checked her phone to see if there were any other rental car companies in the neighborhood. There was. She called and thankfully, they accepted our debit card over the phone. Bonus point: they gave us a discount because of Lisa's company. We rushed over there only to meet this miserable woman who told us that she had no cars left. We almost dropped dead. 

Then, after typing into the computer, she goes, "All I've got left is a bug." Initially, we thought she meant a literal bug, but then realized that she was handing us VW keys. By this point, we were so delayed in schedule that we were very close to not making it to our guided tour. Therefore, we both agreed that we could not make any pit stops. This means no snacks. No coffee refills. No potty breaks. No water. As if we weren't dehydrated enough. 

Now for the actual roadtrip. As usual, our playlist and sing alongs were amazing.
 
However, we learned a lot about the state of Texas in our journey from Houston to Arlington (and later that week, Houston to San Antonio). For starters, there are more state flags in Texas than US ones (we think - we didn't actual Google this statistic, but it certainly seemed this way). Secondly, everything really is bigger in Texas. For example, there was a statue of Sam Houston on the highway that was so big, that we could see his name printed clearly on the pedestal from the other side of the highway. Do you have any idea how terrifying it is to see something like this looming on the horizon in the middle of the night? Third, there are a ton of brightly colored, fancy churches. Lastly, they do not like democrats. We thought political campaigns were fierce here in New York, but no. New Yorkers are pansies when it comes to political throw downs in comparison. The billboards we saw along the highway were brutal. No idea as to whether or not they were Republican Party sponsored or if they were a result of concerned citizens using their money to promote their political views.

ANYWAY, we made it to Globe Life Park just in time to get in with our tour group. The tour guide was nice enough to allow us the use of the bathroom before we got started because we were pretty much ready to explode.

After the tour, we had about two hours to kill, so we wanted around the outside of the ballpark taking photos. Including this one:
After taking photos of the ballpark itself, we drove down the road to the closest McDonald's to get ourselves coffee, which we desperately needed.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Look. Another Texas state flag. And it's huge.
It was on this journey that we discovered something terrible. No, not the Dallas Cowboys stadium (though that was truly a nightmare). It was the location for the new stadium being built for the Rangers. Allow us to repeat this. A new stadium for the Rangers. Which means we'd have to come back to this humid, hot AF state to see their new ballpark. That means more bad hair days, breast sweat, and swamp ass. Why are the baseball gods punishing us? Why? We don't want to return to Atlanta. Or Dallas/Arlington. Or Oakland. One time is enough.

We entered the stadium an hour and a half before game time. Our first stop was to check out the team's Hall of Fame.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The Rangers have a Kid Zone on the lower level in left center field . As you can see on the sign here, they charge you $5 to get in. Which is asinine. HOWEVER, entrance is free to meet the Captain in the 5th inning. More on that later.
Like George Bush, the people here love Nolan Ryan. Nolan Ryan is at least something that is understandable to us.
 
 
Our seats were located in the upper deck. The outdoor concourse is lined with these really cute baseball shaped lights.
 
When we first sat down in our seats, we couldn't figure out why they'd need a new stadium. It's really quite lovely at this ballpark.
 
 
 
The longer we sat in our seats, however, the more obvious the reason became. It is really f*cking hot in Texas during the summer. Maybe it's because we don't live there and therefore, we're not used to it, but we found it to be quite unbearable. We wanted to leave in the first inning. The heat wiped us of any energy we had left following our four hour drive up to Arlington. Our thighs stuck to the plastic chairs. It was hard to sit next to another person and feel the sweat from their arm or leg or even their body heat emanating from them. It was hard to sit with your arms in a normal position because all you wanted to do was air out your armpits.

The Rangers have cheerleaders by the way. We've talked about how stupid cheerleaders are for baseball teams in the past (ex: Brewers), but we are going reiterate that ideology again. There is no place in baseball for f*cking cheerleaders. In the case of the Rangers, you need to walk across the street to AT&T Stadium where you belong.
As far as the game goes, it seems that we are not doing well for the home team lately. Once again, the home team lost. Perhaps we should stop attending Yankees and Mets games and start attending the home games of their division rivals. At least this game was a close one. The White Sox held a 1-0 lead through four innings. The Rangers scored 2 in the 4th  on a Mike Napoli home run (igniting a really cool fireworks display that we failed to photograph/record because we're awesome like that) only to lose the lead again in the 6th.

It was around this time that we returned to the Kids' Zone to meet The Captain (and also to get food).There was quite a long line to wait to meet him and there was a chance that we wouldn't get to meet him (as per his handlers). Therefore, we tried to get a few ghetto photos with him. Just in case.
 
In the end, we ended up getting our photo taken with him, so it worked out. Unfortunately, we look very fat in these photos. Please don't judge us. 

 
After meeting The Captain, we went in search of food. Before we got to Texas, we heard a lot about something called "The Boon Stick." We decided to check it out. Turns out, it's disgusting and phallic. Dirk Diggler phallic. It's also $27. We opted to photograph the situation for you guys, but NOT partake in it.

 
Instead, Lisa went for a the foot long Chicago Dog for $10.75 and Serena went with something called a "sausage sundae" for $13.50. We ate at a nearby baseball-themed standing table.
 
Lisa was not impressed with her hot dog. It had pickles, relish, tomatoes, mustard, onions, celery, and salt. The relish looked like Slimer from Ghostbusters and was the most disgusting relish Lisa had ever eaten. Serena LOVED her dish, which consisted of sausage, brisket, mashed potatoes, and mac & cheese.

Here are some nighttime photos we took towards the end of the game and post-game: