Saturday, May 26, 2018

Yankees' Star Wars Night 2018

Ever since Thor Bobblehead Night 2017, we have vowed never to miss out on a premium giveaway ever again. Therefore, we left Long Island at 3 pm for a 7pm game start. We stupidly listened to the Waze app, who claimed it could save us 10 minutes with an alternative route. She's a liar. She wasted at least 35 minutes of our time, if not 45, ambling around the back streets of the Bronx. You people are not from here, but allow us to assure you that you don't want to be wandering around this section of the Bronx. There's no one to protect you here. No Devil of Hell's Kitchen. No Luke Cage of Harlem. No Jessica Jones. Even they don't venture into this part of Manhattan. By the time we parked in the garage it was after 4:30 and we panicked that we wouldn't get a bobblehead and it was a very special bobblehead. Aaron Judge and his gap tooth dressed like a Jedi. This was an imperative free giveaway. If we missed it, why bother even attending the game? We know we've said this 1,000 times, but it must be repeated again. Just make enough bobbleheads for all us! Then we wouldn't have to get to the game two hours early. It's exhausting.

We ran to the closest gate, which happened to be near the bleachers and found a rather small line and a huge stack of bobbleheads. Which means we freaked out for no reason. Of course, all was not right in the universe because the security guard took Serena's Wonder Woman water bottle because it was aluminum and he's a stupid rule follower.
 
After collecting our bobbleheads, we went in search of characters. Priority #2 of Star Wars Night. Who even gives a shit about the game when Star Wars Night is afoot?

Unfortunately, by the time we raced to our usual photo opp spot, the characters were leaving to line up for the on field parade. We were almost dejected when we noticed that R2D2 wasn't going anywhere. We overheard the "handler" say, "the only reason he's here right now is that he needs to charge up before we head to the field." Bingo.
Lifetime achievement unlocked. 

We had some time before the on field festivities would begin, so we decided to get food. Quick backstory before we dive into our food choices. We recently weighed ourselves and found us wanting. Therefore, we've recently adopted a low carb diet (mainly fruits, vegetables, etc.) with a focus on protein and healthy fats. Minimal to no processed foods. When Star Wars Night rolled around, we were only on the cusp of week two, so it seemed in poor taste to fall entirely off the wagon so quickly. You can imagine how difficult it is to stick to a strict diet at a ballpark. After much debate and a little bit of belly aching, we ended up settling on the simple sushi rolls (the special rolls have too much shit on them). We realize that in previous blog posts (particularly in our Safeco Field post) we mentioned that we don't relish the idea of eating sushi at a ballpark, but desperate times call for desperate measures. We figured that we'd either be fine or lose all of the weight we gained due to food poisoning. We each ordered a side of edamame and two rolls for $30. Lisa ordered a spicy tuna and a vegetable roll and Serena ordered a spicy tuna and a spicy salmon roll. Before you scoff at this price, it's actually pretty comparable to one of our local sushi delivery places. 
The sushi totally exceeded our expectations.  We were pleasantly surprised by how decent the rolls were. We probably wouldn't gravitate to the sushi stand on every visit, but it was a nice change of pace for us. 

After food, we headed up to our section to watch the Star Wars festivities. The photos and video will speak for themselves here.
 
 
 
 
As you can see, we really got into photographing the big screen. 


The ceremonial first pitch was thrown by Ron Howard.
 
The game gets less interesting for us because we got everything we wanted and our attention span has an expiration date. We were at the ball game way too early and the activities were too numerous for us to continue to focus on one thing. We found ourselves playing with the bobblehead a lot. This is the view from our seats and our shirts. Lisa bought a brand new one that morning for the occasion. 
 
 This is a photo of Giancarlo dressed like an X-Wing pilot.
 
There is something that needs to be discussed before we touch upon the game and it has to do with the current Yankee roster and they're complete and total lack of Star Wars knowledge. The big screen showed an off camera person interviewing individual players about favorite Star Wars movies, favorite characters, etc. 90% of the players confessed to not having seen Star Wars. How is this even possible? Oh, wait, they're all infants and probably weren't born to even see Phantom Menace in the theater (which is literally the worse Star Wars movie, by the way. Serena won't even let Lisa watch it). One guy actually replied that he was more of a Trekkie. It's not Star Trek Night! It's Star Wars! Lie, you big dope! Furthermore, what kind of person chooses Star Trek over Star Wars. You're seriously choosing William Shatner over Harrison Ford and Darth Vader? You're an asshole. Marketing should've stepped up and told these nincompoops what the answers were instead of embarrassing us, embarrassing themselves, embarrassing their families, and embarrassing any unborn children that they might be considering to have. 

The game actually started off pretty impressive followed by the bullpen pissing away a perfectly good CC Sabathia start (look at him now...that possibly could've been his last quality start and his bullpen failed him). Most of the assholes in the bullpen are the same assholes who had never seen Star Wars. Jack Wagons. The Yankees ended up winning in extra innings, but Serena still hasn't forgiven them for this whole insult to her favorite childhood trilogy. 

Sunday, April 22, 2018

The Random Baseball Sh*t That We Think About

1. We've said this before and we'll say it again. Why don't baseball teams release enough free giveaways to cover all of the game's attendants? Why do we have to get to the ballpark three hours in advance in order in order to stand online and potentially not receive a fancy bobblehead? It's bullshit. We pay a lot of money for our tickets and parking. We deserve bobbleheads!

2. On the way home from Yankees' Opening Day, one of our Twatter followers messaged us asking why fans had booed Giancarlo Stanton. If you are a Yankees' fan and/or read last week's blog post, you'd know that he struck out five times. In one game. Yes, it's only April. Yes, Stanton is new to the American League, region of country, and team. Yes, he has plenty of time to pull his shit together. However, most players do not even get five at bats, much less the opportunity to strike out five times, which is apparently called the Plantinum Sombrero. Also, according to Wikipedia:

"In slang, when a batter strikes out three times in a game, he is said to have completed a hat trick. If he strikes out four times, it is called a golden sombrero. He receives a platinum sombrero if he strikes out five times, and this dishonor is also known as the Olympic Rings."

The man deserves to be booed. Not forever. Just for striking out. Five times in one game. It's uncomfortable for everyone who has to witness that. And embarrassing. Although not as embarrassing as a Titanium Sombrero, the Diamond Sombrero, or the Plutonium Sombrero, which we discovered today.

3.  Joe Kelly. A minor argument between baseball babes broke out regarding our personal assessment of Joe Kelly. Lisa thinks he's possibly a guido fist pumper, but we can't tell if he wears pointy shoes. Serena thinks he's possibly a hipster from Park Slope.

Evidence: long hair, trendy eye glasses, unbuttoned shirt, tapered pants, and can't actually fight. Possible pointy shoes, but we cannot confirm or deny this last fact.

So, what do you think? Hipster or fist pumper? Furthermore, since when do the Red Sox hire anyone other than grizzled lumber jack/white trash? The Red Sox have really let themselves go.

Also, if you're a pitcher, you shouldn't pick a fight unless you fight like Nolan Ryan.

4. When the benches clear in a brawl, why does the bullpen also empty out? Everyone knows that the guys in the bullpen are the biggest pansies in the ballpark. Also, the distance from the bullpen to the region of the field where the fight is taking place is quite far. Running that distance is bound to tire you out, which means that by the time you reach the fight, you're too tired to defend yourself. If we were relief pitchers, we'd spend the entire fight sitting and shouting insults at the opposing team from the bullpen. Possibly throw shit onto the field.  And boo. Like Waldorf and Statler.

5. Mickey Callaway is kind of hot for an older man. We just discovered that he's only 42 years old, which makes us beg the question, "how did he get this job?!" Why didn't they hire us? Lisa would like to launch the idea of an 120-man roster. Mainly because she'd bench a pitcher every single time he gave up a hit or a player for making an error. She's going to need a lot of back up players with that management philosophy and 40 men are simply not enough men.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Yankees Opening Day 2018

April 3, 2018

Originally, this game was scheduled for Monday, the 2nd. On the morning of, we awoke to a legitimate blizzard. In April. Regardless, Serena has sat through opening days she deemed worse, so we continued on regardless of many warnings from Serena's coworkers. In fact, we made it all the way to Yankee Stadium before realizing that the Yankees had actually postponed the game. This is because we chose to do a Bon Jovi sing along rather than listen to the radio. The game was rescheduled for Tuesday evening. The snow cleared by noon on Monday and the temperature ended up being quite nice.

Lets flash forward to Tuesday evening. When it was FREEZING and wet and never stopped raining. How was this an improvement from the previous afternoon???

Because we were so enamored with our little travel Mets' hot cocoa cups, we felt like we needed Yankees' ones as well, so our first stop at the stadium was to get ourselves hot cocoa. We ordered our cocoas and stepped aside to wait for them. For some reason, the machine wasn't working so Miss Ruby had to make large quantities of hot cocoa by hand. We had to wait 20 minutes, but were constantly reassured that Miss Ruby makes the best hot cocoa. Guess what? She does. It was the best hot cocoa we've ever had.
Afterwards, we went in search of food. We ended up at Mighty Quinn's and Bare Burger. Serena ordered a crispy spicy chicken sandwich for $11.99 at Mighty Quinn's and Lisa ordered a SoCal (turkey burger with pepper jack cheese, pickled red onions, and guacamole on a sprouted wheat bun) for $12.49. Then we shared a plate of dirty fries from Mighty Quinn's for $13.79. The fries were topped with chili, burnt ends, and lime sauce.
 
 
Serena's chicken was very good, but the bun itself felt like it had just come out of the refrigerator, which ruined the whole experience. Lisa's turkey burger was good, but not the kind of burger that needs a repeat visit. The fries, however, were DELICIOUS.

We made it to our seats in time for opening ceremony only to discover that because of the weather, they wouldn't be doing an ceremony at all, which was seriously disappointing. They just removed the tarp from the field and started the game like it was any other game in the season. It just depressing.
 
 
 
 
The game itself was pretty exciting. Didi hit two home runs. He's becoming quite a beast this season. Giancarlo Stanton struck out 5 times. People booed. Naturally. More on that next week.
The boy in front of us crop dusted us. The smell was so bad that he actually stood up and left his seat. We basically ate it.
The Yankees ended up defeating the Rays 11-4, but that's basically because the offense (aside from Stanton) crushed it. Their pitching basically sh*t the bed, which has been their MO all season thus far.

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Mets Opening Day 2018

March 29, 2018

Since we got locked out of the main parking lot two years in a row and didn't see the opening ceremonies for the last two years, we left for Citi Field this morning at 9:30am. Can you believe that? 9:30 for a 1:10pm start time. Our overwhelming sense of paranoia paid off because we were able to get into the parking lot by 10:45 am (parking is up to $25 now, by the way). It was perfect. It was pouring, gates opened at 11, and we had plenty of spots to choose from. We pulled into one and enjoyed a pair of Stella Atrois cidres like a pair of basic bitches while we waited for the rain to ease up.
Again, because we're overwhelmingly paranoid, we headed into the stadium at 11:45 because we didn't want to wait on those ridiculous security lines and potentially miss opening ceremonies. Once inside, we did a lap around the main concourse to determine what we'd be partaking in during feeding time. Serena decided that she'd get a chicken parm hero from Nicoletta's and Lisa chose the Bash Burger from...Bash Burger. We agreed to go separately and reconvene at one of the hi-top tables in center field to eat. Lisa was not even halfway to the Bash Burger stand when Serena discovered that Mr. and Mrs. Met was out for photographs. Lisa came right back. It was, in fact, an emergency. It needed to be done. Please notice our sign that Lisa whipped up in a jiff. You'll probably have to zoom in.
After our amazing photo op, we returned to the original plan of feeding. While on line, Serena noticed something called, "loaded pizza fries." This felt extremely important, so she ordered a platter of the fries in addition to a chicken parm hero. The hero was $14 and the fries were $9.50.
The game began and since we wanted to actually see opening day ceremonies, Serena rushed to meet Lisa at her food line, which she abandoned because it was too long. We stood behind the rows of seats with a bunch of drunk ass clowns to watch the ceremony. We ate all of the pizza fries. They were a little cold, but AMAZING. Here is a photo:
What's noteworthy about our time in this location has nothing to do with the actual ceremony and everything to do with the drunk ass clowns. The man standing directly next to Lisa kept spitting. Not just a little spit. Not just once in a while. By the time the ceremony was complete, there was a legit puddle of phlegm sitting on the floor next to Lisa's shoe. We've never seen so much spittle in one place. Ever. We would've taken a photo, but Lisa was too busy dry heaving and when Lisa dry heaves, it makes Serena want to dry heave, so we had to bail.

Lisa finally got her Bash Burger. Her burger was a Pat LaFrieda patty topped with onion and bacon jam, pickles, American cheese, and special sauce. All for the glorious price of $13.50.
We ate at one of the hi-top tables in center field where we watched the start of the game on the large television screen behind the scoreboard. Both sandwiches were pretty cold so we couldn't decide if we weren't that impressed with them because of their temperature or if they just weren't that great.

We made it upstairs to our seats just in time to witness a Yadier Molina 2-run homerun, allowing the Cardinals to take an early 2-1 lead.
 
From our seats, we could see that the Mets had added the number 10 to the pitcher's mound in memorium of Rusty Staub, who died earlier this morning at the age of 73. You can see it in this picture if you look very closely. Maybe blow it up on your computer or something. Zoom in. It's totally there.
An honorable mention goes to our delightful hot cocoas in a travel Mets mug. It's adorable, warm and cozy, and roughly $10/each.

We actually enjoyed our seats until our neighbor finally arrived in the 4th inning. He was a real piece of work. For starters, he was a large man, which we aren't judging him for. Things happen. Okay? We've gotten slightly larger over the years and it's totally not our faults. It's certainly not a result from our poor diets. Or lack of physical activity. It's definitely someone else's fault. Anyway, we digress. So, he's large and takes up a shit ton of space and kind of sort of invades Lisa's personal space, but that's not why we strongly disliked him. He slammed himself quite obnoxiously into his seat and immediately started chewing Lisa's ear off, which is simply rude. Dude, we're here to watch the f*cking game. Exchange pleasantries, of course. But this is not lunch period. We're specifically here for one reason and that is to enjoy a baseball game. Thank you very much. He kept trying to get Lisa to buy some of his season tickets. Then he made it a point to mention how difficult it is to find single girls who also like the Mets (because apparently they're all Yankees' fans - what? That makes no sense). Lisa slickly mentioned our boyfriends to get him off our backs and then the guy turned into a total a-hole. Like a child who doesn't get their way or a sore loser.

We headed down to the main concourse at the top of the 8th because we wanted to try the new Wowfulls stand. For $12, you can choose from one of the following options:
Home Sweet Home
Chocolate Heaven
Strawberry Fields

Home Sweet Home had vanilla ice cream topped with Fruity Pebbles, chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and sprinkles. Chocolate Heaven had chocolate shake ice cream topped with Oreo crumbles, chocolate sauce, sprinkles, and whipped cream. Finally, Strawberry Fields had strawberry cheesecake ice cream topped with French Toast Crunch, caramel sauce, sprinkles, and whipped cream. All were tucked in a delicious waffle. Lisa went with Home Sweet Home while Serena chose Strawberry Fields.
The line to the stand was so long that we basically ended the game here, watching the game on the small television attached to the wall. While Serena continued to wait online, Lisa ran over to document the last out of the game and Mets' first win of the season.
Final score 9-4. After the game, we sat in the car playing Disney Emoji Blitz and answering emails while we waited for the parking lot to clear out.

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Globe Life Park

Globe Life Park
1000 Ballpark Way
Arlington, TX 76011

August 18, 2017

Before we get to Arlington, you should know that a lot of shit went wrong on this trip. A lot. We're not even going to discuss the idiocy of our hotel (The Magnolia - don't ever stay there. WORST customer service and possibly the stupidest people you'll ever meet). Let's just discuss our rental car situation. This is the car we ended up driving all over the state of Texas:
No, we did not select this vehicle. This is the vehicle that was handed to us. It was also over 100 degrees outside and humid AF. There is no way in hell that we'd opt to put the top down. Lastly, the size of the bugs that ended up as corpses all over this car were prehistorically large. Like the kind of size that would make T-Rex nervous. If one of us got hit with one of them while on the road, we would've crashed the car into a field of longhorns. Game over. 

This rental car also came from the SECOND rental car place visited in one day. Why, do you ask? Oh, funny story really. Lisa booked a rental car MONTHS in advance. The rental car was a mere 2 miles from our shitty, but expensive hotel. With the stupid staff people. Upon arrival at our first rental car place, we were informed that we could not use our debit cards to secure our rental. This was listed nowhere on the website when Lisa booked the car or on her confirmation email. Unfortunately, we've been on this "debt free" kick, so we chose NOT to travel with our credit cards for the first time ever. We were slightly panicked as the whole point of the rental car was to get our asses to Arlington to see the Rangers play. And then see The Alamo later that week. The manager suggested that we could possibly use our debit card if we went all the way back to the airport and rented a totally different car there. Um, no. 

Lisa checked her phone to see if there were any other rental car companies in the neighborhood. There was. She called and thankfully, they accepted our debit card over the phone. Bonus point: they gave us a discount because of Lisa's company. We rushed over there only to meet this miserable woman who told us that she had no cars left. We almost dropped dead. 

Then, after typing into the computer, she goes, "All I've got left is a bug." Initially, we thought she meant a literal bug, but then realized that she was handing us VW keys. By this point, we were so delayed in schedule that we were very close to not making it to our guided tour. Therefore, we both agreed that we could not make any pit stops. This means no snacks. No coffee refills. No potty breaks. No water. As if we weren't dehydrated enough. 

Now for the actual roadtrip. As usual, our playlist and sing alongs were amazing.
 
However, we learned a lot about the state of Texas in our journey from Houston to Arlington (and later that week, Houston to San Antonio). For starters, there are more state flags in Texas than US ones (we think - we didn't actual Google this statistic, but it certainly seemed this way). Secondly, everything really is bigger in Texas. For example, there was a statue of Sam Houston on the highway that was so big, that we could see his name printed clearly on the pedestal from the other side of the highway. Do you have any idea how terrifying it is to see something like this looming on the horizon in the middle of the night? Third, there are a ton of brightly colored, fancy churches. Lastly, they do not like democrats. We thought political campaigns were fierce here in New York, but no. New Yorkers are pansies when it comes to political throw downs in comparison. The billboards we saw along the highway were brutal. No idea as to whether or not they were Republican Party sponsored or if they were a result of concerned citizens using their money to promote their political views.

ANYWAY, we made it to Globe Life Park just in time to get in with our tour group. The tour guide was nice enough to allow us the use of the bathroom before we got started because we were pretty much ready to explode.

After the tour, we had about two hours to kill, so we wanted around the outside of the ballpark taking photos. Including this one:
After taking photos of the ballpark itself, we drove down the road to the closest McDonald's to get ourselves coffee, which we desperately needed.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Look. Another Texas state flag. And it's huge.
It was on this journey that we discovered something terrible. No, not the Dallas Cowboys stadium (though that was truly a nightmare). It was the location for the new stadium being built for the Rangers. Allow us to repeat this. A new stadium for the Rangers. Which means we'd have to come back to this humid, hot AF state to see their new ballpark. That means more bad hair days, breast sweat, and swamp ass. Why are the baseball gods punishing us? Why? We don't want to return to Atlanta. Or Dallas/Arlington. Or Oakland. One time is enough.

We entered the stadium an hour and a half before game time. Our first stop was to check out the team's Hall of Fame.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The Rangers have a Kid Zone on the lower level in left center field . As you can see on the sign here, they charge you $5 to get in. Which is asinine. HOWEVER, entrance is free to meet the Captain in the 5th inning. More on that later.
Like George Bush, the people here love Nolan Ryan. Nolan Ryan is at least something that is understandable to us.
 
 
Our seats were located in the upper deck. The outdoor concourse is lined with these really cute baseball shaped lights.
 
When we first sat down in our seats, we couldn't figure out why they'd need a new stadium. It's really quite lovely at this ballpark.
 
 
 
The longer we sat in our seats, however, the more obvious the reason became. It is really f*cking hot in Texas during the summer. Maybe it's because we don't live there and therefore, we're not used to it, but we found it to be quite unbearable. We wanted to leave in the first inning. The heat wiped us of any energy we had left following our four hour drive up to Arlington. Our thighs stuck to the plastic chairs. It was hard to sit next to another person and feel the sweat from their arm or leg or even their body heat emanating from them. It was hard to sit with your arms in a normal position because all you wanted to do was air out your armpits.

The Rangers have cheerleaders by the way. We've talked about how stupid cheerleaders are for baseball teams in the past (ex: Brewers), but we are going reiterate that ideology again. There is no place in baseball for f*cking cheerleaders. In the case of the Rangers, you need to walk across the street to AT&T Stadium where you belong.
As far as the game goes, it seems that we are not doing well for the home team lately. Once again, the home team lost. Perhaps we should stop attending Yankees and Mets games and start attending the home games of their division rivals. At least this game was a close one. The White Sox held a 1-0 lead through four innings. The Rangers scored 2 in the 4th  on a Mike Napoli home run (igniting a really cool fireworks display that we failed to photograph/record because we're awesome like that) only to lose the lead again in the 6th.

It was around this time that we returned to the Kids' Zone to meet The Captain (and also to get food).There was quite a long line to wait to meet him and there was a chance that we wouldn't get to meet him (as per his handlers). Therefore, we tried to get a few ghetto photos with him. Just in case.
 
In the end, we ended up getting our photo taken with him, so it worked out. Unfortunately, we look very fat in these photos. Please don't judge us. 

 
After meeting The Captain, we went in search of food. Before we got to Texas, we heard a lot about something called "The Boon Stick." We decided to check it out. Turns out, it's disgusting and phallic. Dirk Diggler phallic. It's also $27. We opted to photograph the situation for you guys, but NOT partake in it.

 
Instead, Lisa went for a the foot long Chicago Dog for $10.75 and Serena went with something called a "sausage sundae" for $13.50. We ate at a nearby baseball-themed standing table.
 
Lisa was not impressed with her hot dog. It had pickles, relish, tomatoes, mustard, onions, celery, and salt. The relish looked like Slimer from Ghostbusters and was the most disgusting relish Lisa had ever eaten. Serena LOVED her dish, which consisted of sausage, brisket, mashed potatoes, and mac & cheese.

Here are some nighttime photos we took towards the end of the game and post-game: