Sunday, July 24, 2016

We're No Longer Friends

Derek Jeter is dead to us. He's been pretty dead to Serena for awhile now, but Lisa's maintained a pretty close relationship with him ever since she saw that HBO documentary about him being a peeping tom. That all changed about two weeks ago when Derek snubbed Lisa. Not just a little snub, but the worst possible snub imaginable. He neglected to invite her to his wedding to Hannah Davis (but according to Instagram, he apparently didn't forget to include Andruw Jones in his pre-wedding festivities - what. the. f*ck???). As per gossip mongers, Derek and Hannah tied the knot in an intimate, classy ceremony. Was he afraid that we (because clearly, Lisa would've taken Serena as her date) weren't classy enough to be able to handle that kind of party? We'll have you know that we might suffer from Functional Alcoholism, but we can be plenty classy!

Not for nothing, but Lisa has stood by his side as his #1 BFF even through thick, including the Minka Kelly fiasco. When people (aka: Serena) hated on him, Lisa defended him and his honor even though she's a Mets' fan. That's true friendship. Not many people can say the same about their friends. She appreciated him for who he was despite the fact that he played for the "crosstown rivals." Not only should she have been a guest at the wedding, but she should've been a part of the wedding party. At the very least, the flower girl if the role of Maid of Honor had already been filled. Lisa even had easy access to the the bridal party dress because Serena wore the same exact one in a wedding two years prior!! That's bordering on "meant to be."

Since Lisa is so hurt, she refuses to send a wedding gift to the couple. However, she will forgive Derek (but not Hannah because CLEARLY this is all her fault) if he sends her a wedding favor. She'll also consider being the godmother of their unborn child. She DID retire from godmother duties, but she'd make an exception for Derek since they were once such dear friends. We're pretty sure that Derek wouldn't even ask her to buy the baby's outfit or cross, which means Lisa would just have to stand there, look pretty, and smile for all of the cameras. Lisa's also willing to remove her Invisalign for the event and risk tooth shifting because this is such a special event. Also, this is a chance for Lisa to meet a potential husband. Perhaps, she can get her own $300,000 engagement ring.

Disclaimer: Lisa is and has never been friends with Derek Jeter. This has been an ongoing joke since the peeping tom documentary. So...a long time.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Mets vs. Reds 4-26-16

Yup. You read that right. April 26th. We are close to two months late on this posting. Sorry, not sorry.

Truth be told, we've had a lot of shit going on, and Serena works every Sunday, and Penny Dreadful is on Sunday's, and it's just been a lot, okay? Give us a break. Plus, it's not like you guys were clamoring for a new post.

We got tickets to this game through Serena's buddy, Stephen. It was a pretty uneventful ride from Stephen's house to Citi Field. The only somewhat interesting fact is that Stephen got to experience our car sing along skills, which definitely made him view us in an unflattering light. Also, this is one of the few times that we rolled into a baseball game with a squad. Realistically speaking, it's highly probable that Dana is the only one that enjoyed being a member of the squad. Stephen, on the other hand, will most likely never attend another game with us again.

Before getting to our seats, we headed in the direction of food. Lisa and I tried two new meals at the stadium (our new goal: stop eating the same shit at every game). Serena ordered the lobster roll and a side of fries and Lisa ordered the Fuku chicken sandwich with a side of spicy fries. Stephen ordered a Pat LaFrieda steak sandwich. We can't speak for Stephen, but we were a little underwhelmed with our choices. Both were decent, but not something that we'd order again, especially for the price we paid. The lobster roll was $17 and the chicken sandwich was $12.

Our kick ass squad for the evening. Disclaimer: Stephen is allowed to make that face because he's of Asian descent.  
What an attractive pack of human beings.

Just like Opening Night, it was freezing. It was so cold that Lisa disappeared for forty-five minutes and returned with hot pink Mets socks (it was the only color available in her size) to keep her feet warm. She also returned with a fried Junior's cheesecake, which was $10 and AMAZING. Every single penny was well worth it.
For majority of the game, the Mets didn't look so hot. Finally, in the bottom of the 7th inning, Yoenis Cesepedes hit a 3-run home run to tie the game. Lisa managed to snap a photo of the home run tomato.

The Mets would go on to win the game 4-3.
We wish we could report additional details on this game, but as we mentioned earlier, it happened over a month ago and we can barely remember what happened last weekend. Next week, we promise to post about our May Yankees game. There's a good chance we forgot most of the details of that game too. At least you'll get to look at pictures. So there's that.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Mets Opening Night 2016

April 9, 2016

You might notice that our blog post title has the word, "night" instead of "day" in it. Thanks to all of the fake Mets fans that have cropped up since last season, we were unable to acquire Mets Opening Day tickets. Instead, we had to settle for Opening Night. Initially, we thought we outsmarted the Mets. Opening Night was STAR WARS NIGHT, the greatest night in all of baseball. However, as per usual, the baseball gods laughed in our general direction. Opening Day was a beautiful, warm and sunny day. Opening Night was freezing, wet, and depressing. In fact, the weather was so miserable, the Star Wars characters didn't factor into the game's festivities as much as usual. Which is horse shit. The Mets won Opening Day and lost Opening Night. So, thanks for that, Mets. You're awesome.

We're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's start from the beginning.

We each wore two pairs of pants (which made maneuvering difficult), two pairs of socks, and several layers of sweatshirt-type materials. Both of us received the following advice from two totally different people: "Why don't you just wear a coat?" To which we replied, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Who wears a coat to a baseball game?" The men in question replied back, "Actually, you're pretty stupid." Well...fine.
Just as we entered the stadium and stepped onto the escalator, a bomb went off. Okay. Maybe not a bomb. But something definitely went off because it was loud, there was smoke, and a piece of Citi Field fell to the earth. We feared for our lives. We still don't know what it was. We were told to move it along. Our panic remained until we found the next distraction: Lisa's next lease.
It's possible that we need to be medicated for ADD. Before heading to our seats, we stopped off at the team shop because Lisa HAD to buy a Mrs. Met doll for her mascot collection. It was a moral imperative.

Despite having quality seats, you'd think we'd be surrounded by quality people.

We were not. In front of us sat a loud, obnoxious man. He ate peanuts. That in itself isn't offensive. The woman in front of him was supposedly "deathly allergic" to peanuts. She asked him to stop eating them, which is ridiculous. It's not like he was throwing the peanuts at her. He was just eating them. And shouting obscene things at the left fielder. She was in a public space, specifically at a baseball game, and people are going to eat whatever the hell they want. You can't control that. It's like asking people not to eat popcorn at the movie theater. She made a big enough stink that security relocated her and her husband closer to the Mets' dugout. Instead of just letting things be, however, our peanut eater couldn't stop. He informed the entire section (and the left fielder) of the incident and concluded that, "she did this intentionally so that she could get better seats."

The Mets now have a specific hashtag that can potentially get your photo posted to the jumbotron (#nikonmets). We followed the instructions, assuming that we wouldn't get on the board because we never do, BUT our picture was actually shared! Unfortunately, we were so apathetic about the entire situation that it took us a moment to realize that we were even up there (the people sitting behind us pointed it out to us) and then Lisa's gloves prevented her from swiping her smart phone in order to photograph it. Fame fail.
A little something new for the top of the 5th at Citi Field. Ford sponsors some kind of car race in the top of the inning now. We're not sure the purpose of this race, but that didn't stop us from filming it. For you, of course. We're selfless reporters. The FDNY car won by a long shot. It was kind of embarrassing. NYPD should be ashamed.

After the race, we went in search of food. Our fancy seats allowed us access to the Promenade, Foxwoods, and Acela Clubs. The Acela Club didn't seating after the 4th, so we blew that taco stand. Sidebar: that's bullshit. We ended up at the Foxwoods Club, where we ordered specialty grilled cheese sandwiches. The sandwiches had kale pesto, three types of cheeses, broccoli rabe, and brisket between two slices of thick, sourdough bread served on a bed of potato chips. The sandwiches were so filling that we didn't even get to eat the chips.

The bill came to roughly $30 for both of the sandwiches and two water bottles. As we stuffed our faces, one of Serena's co-workers contacted her on Facebook. Not only was he at the game with us, but it turned out that he was sitting five tables over from us. We met up with him and his friend with enough time to watch the Mets lose and to find seats to sit in while we watched the post-game fireworks display. Strangely enough, it opened up with Adele's "Hello."

Thanks for further depressing us, guys.

Here's a video we filmed in the parking lot.

Also, this guy:
It's clearly not a lease.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Yankees' Opening Day 2016

April 5, 2016

The day was cold. Ridiculously cold. We wore two layers of pants and many, many, many layers on the upper body. In case you didn't know, wearing two pairs of pants makes it extremely difficult to maneuver. Also, it's extremely difficult to wear your jeans properly when there's another layer of pantalones beneath them.
Random side rant: we watched MLB Opening Night together, which happened to be a replay of last year's World Series matchup. Why do we mention this? The Yankees' home opener just HAPPENED to be a replay of last year's AL Wild Card matchup. While watching the Mets/Royals game on Sunday night, we had to listen to some shitty game commentating. One of the remarks made by Dan Shulman was that the 2016 regular schedule was set way before the 2015 playoffs took place and that the Mets facing the Royals on Opening Night was purely coincidental. Does he really expect us to believe that? Of course the MLB plans these "dramatic" matchups on purpose. The league is run by money grubbing, soul sucking executives who probably vacation in places that are warm and require a passport to travel to. All that motivates them is the chance to earn more money with which to line their expensively tailored pockets. What generates excitement and revenue? "Drama." What a bunch of horse shit. End side rant.

We arrived at the stadium a tad later than usual due to traffic, so we skipped the concession stands to run immediately to our seats. We arrived just in time to hear the Yankees' roster and watch the National Anthem be performed.

Initially, our section was delightfully empty. We assumed that the fact that this was a makeup game deterred a good chunk of fans from attending the game. We thought we'd have the whole section to ourselves. Unfortunately, this would not be so. Out of all the empty seats in the entire section, a group of ass clowns had to settle in the seats behind us. Not only did they loudly shout the "N" word approximately twenty times in one minute, but we had to listen to the following idiocy:
"Yo, bro, if a dude hits a ball all the way up here, he definitely going to the Hall of Fame."
(Oh, really? That's the only prerequisite now? Hit a foul ball to the upper deck at Yankee Stadium? The Hall of Fame is going to need to open more wings...)
"I don't even know who is up, bro."
(Brian McCann. His enormous face is plastered across the giant digital screen in center field right next to the words: Brian McCann)
"My bro wants to hook me up. Dis girl wants me to take her out on a date. I don't got time for that."
(The fact that a female wants to stand next to you should be considered an honor)
"Yo, you still dating that chick?"/"Yeah, bro, but I don't know. She's boring."
(Yeah? But you're an a-hole, so be thankful there is someone out there who seems to treasure your existence)
Listen, it's okay to have a personal discussion at a baseball game. We do it all the time. It's even okay for you to say incredibly stupid things about the game on the field. After all, not everyone is as knowledgeable about the game as we are. It is NOT okay for you to shout your conversation so that the entire section can hear you. You're distracting. If you're louder than the at bat player's coming to the plate music, it's a problem. You're an a-hole.

Also, one of them stood next to Lisa with his ass in her face. His ass. One step above him standing with his chimichanga in her face. Not for just a single second either. For an entire inning. In fact, he even enjoyed making a dirty joke and performing creepy gyrations next to her face as well. Lisa contemplated taking a pen from her purse and sticking it up his ass, but she refrained. It's not often that we behave ourselves.

The only bright spot about sitting near these buffoons is that one of our normal neighbors returned with this awesome little beauty:
A souvenir soda cup/chicken finger platter in ONE! Credit Lisa with the creepy stalker photography skills. No idea how much this cost, where he found it, or basically anything else about it, but it is a GENIUS idea. It makes becoming fat a much more efficient process.

Our first meal of the day was to split a chicken slider bucket for $20. Not because this is the best food item in the stadium, but the deal is too hard to ignore. $20 for all of this food in one bucket with the added bonus of having the waistband of both layers of pants cut into your ever expanding belly. Just for $20. That's very reasonable.

Eventually, the idiots became too much for us to bear. The section was still fairly empty, so we kept our row, but moved over two sections in order to enjoy some semblance of peace. From this location, Lisa snapped another creepy stalker photo, but this time, it was of the pests:

Notice how they've spread themselves out over four rows. Four rows of  shit sipping shenanigans. We didn't stay long in this location. One of Serena's co-workers, Mike, texted that he had arrived. We should preface the story about the rest of our game experience by saying that we'd seen the Yankees' post on Instagram a few days prior about the arrival of bacon on a stick. According to their Instagram account, one could find this delectable delight at the NY Grill stands in sections 121, 223, and 319. Lisa LOVED her bacon on a stick snack at Oriole Park last season, so this was a must grab for her. Mike agreed. He mentioned that he'd attempted to acquire a bacon on stick from section 319, but he was informed by the staff person, "Not today." What that means, we're not exactly sure, but we do know that it loosely translates to, "you're shit out of luck."

ANYWAY, Mike's seats had a better view than ours and he had a lot of empty neighboring seats. Plus, it was far, far away from our ass clown neighbors, which made moving to join him an easy choice. We finished out the inning and headed over to his section. Game update: Yankees were actually winning 2-0. A very uncommon occurrence for the Yankees during their home opener.

Check out our new digs:
As the game wore on, it seemed like it got colder. Lisa wasn't sure she was going to make it. She started to take certain measures to protect her limbs...
United, we chose to search for the elusive bacon on a stick. We assumed that section 121 would be our best bet, so we headed for field level. Lisa also decided that while we were down there, she'd purchase a blanket from the team store. The lady manning the NY Grill in section 121 informed us that she had sold 100 bacon on a sticks (she was very specific about this piece of information), but then someone took the rest of them and transported them up to the 200 level. This was a nightmare. Lisa purchased a blanket for $18 from the team store. The blanket had no team logo on it and looks very similar to the free blanket you receive while traveling on Delta Airlines. Also, it was sitting on a pile of other unfolded blankets. Truthfully, they looked like they were available for people to borrow and return at a later time.

After our blanket pit stop, we headed back up to the 200 level. Lisa traveled with her blanket wrapped around her body like it was Jedi robe. Not only did the NY Grill at 223 not have any more bacon on a stick, but they were also cleaned out of everything. So, we had to go all the way back to our seats in the 300/400 level in order to get more food. Food that we settled the boy we didn't really want to go on a date with, but he was the only one interested and your friends kept telling you that you're going to die alone if you don't start going on dates soon. For $23, we got a hot dog, hot Italian sausage sandwich, and two hot chocolates. 
Back in our seats, we snuggled under our new blanket and watched the Yankees ruin Opening Day. As per usual. 
Final score: Houston 5. Yankees 3. The upswing is that Mike may become our traveling scorekeeper going forward. It'll be like having an intern because we're not going to pay him. He'll just receive the perks of being in our presence and having featured spots on the blog.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Insert Cyber Middle Finger Here

Well...we're annoyed. Needless to say. We're angrier than Anger from the movie, Inside Out.
We'll start simply by saying f*ck you. F*ck you, Mets. F*ck you, presale. F*ck you, bandwagon fans. F*ck you, season ticket holders. F*ck you, StubHub. F*ck you, selfish pricks selling tickets on StubHub. F*ck you, airlines. All of the airlines. Just f*ck you.

The Mets toyed with our emotions by mailing Lisa a presale postcard. She logged on for this supposed presale in November as instructed. She followed the special instructions. She clicked on Opening Day. Her only option was standing room only, which is preposterous. The multiple times that she checked back thereafter returned nothing. Absolutely nothing. She called the box office. Nothing. She reached out to her contacts in high places. Nothing. She checked StubHub. There was something. However, that something offended her very being. For standing room only tickets, these ass clowns are asking for $130/each. For seats that are located next the throne of Zeus on Mount Olympus range from $140-$290. Let's all put the crack pipe down. Who is the asshole that is paying this amount for those seats? F*ck you. Due to this abomination, we've resigned ourselves to attending Mets' Opening Night. For $72/each, we'll be getting fireworks and field level seats. So, f*ck you.

Let's talk Miami stadium tour. It is apparently extremely difficult to find non-stop flights to Florida for less than $400/person. Who the hell do you think you are, airlines? We're refusing to check a bag for this trip because you're going to charge us for them, so where do you get the balls to demand this prices for inconvenient flights? F*ck you.

Also, happy birthday, Serena. And that's it right away.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Opening Day Blues

March 1st is literally next week. This means that spring training is underway and Opening Day for the 2016 regular season and our 2016 stadium tour season are just on the horizon. We've some updates for you on that front and they're not necessarily pretty.

Opening Day news:
* Yankees' tickets have been procured
*The Mets are penises, but they're not nearly as large as the penises (peni? what is the proper English term for more than one penis?) trying to sell Opening Day tickets on Stub Hub for standing room only for nearly $100. For $100, someone better be standing there (preferably someone that looks like Ryan Reynolds or Tim Tebow) serving us food and beer and possibly massaging our upper backs and necks as we stand for all of the 9 innings. Therefore, we may be in attendance for Opening Night instead. We have an insider source with the Mets that is going to look into things behind the scenes for us on Tuesday. After that, we will have further information for you. If it doesn't go well, expect next week's blog to be a full on rant (after which, we hope that the Mets will take pity on us and reach out, offering us complimentary tickets to Opening Day).

Stadium Tour news:
*Last year's Philly trip was rained out, but we're allowed to exchange those tickets for a game this season and we've chosen the September 17th game against the Marlins. We will be contacting the box office tomorrow.
*On the subject of the Marlins, we're planning on visiting Mamadukes at the end of August. We're really looking forward to reuniting her with Don Mattingly. We'll take photos and ruin her life by posting them here on the world wide web for all to see. Since it'll be Florida in August, those pictures are sure to be considered masterpieces. Bring on the breast sweat. We will probably have an update regarding these tickets next week after pay day. Now who wants to pay for our airfare?

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Superbowl 50

As promised, our Superbowl 50 play by play. Please note that the boy we call Kyle (or on Instagram, our little baby giraffe) works with Serena and is a faux adopted child. He calls us his "moms." We didn't let him drink any wine and also, we made sure he was on his way home before 10pm (or as his real mom likes to put it, "before the drunks came out").

The night unfolds...
T minus 60 min until game time:
Preheat oven
Bagel Bites, boneless wings, dino nuggets, sweet potato fries in the oven
Eat the entire bag of Wasabe Soy potato chips

Receive text from Kyle: "I'm on the way. Warning: I don't know what football is."

Watch 20 minutes of Lip Sync Battle on YouTube. Serena laments that John Krasinski is married to Emily Blunt.

We play "Land Before Time" with cooked dino nuggets

Kyle arrives.

Lisa realizes that the game has already started. We frantically try to relocate our snacks into the back room.

Serena cannot figure out how to use the television.

Serena finally gets it going.

Carolina is already losing.

Monkey Baby Puppy is terrifying. We won't be able to sleep at night. We cannot effectively stress how emotionally damaging that commercial was.

We will go see Jungle Book. It is decided. Bagheera looks like Isolde.

Denver 10 - Carolina 0

Kyle's assessment of the game thus far: "Well, I like when that guy fell on that floor. And when that other guy made him fall on the floor."

"You look like you peaked in high school." -  funny Shocktop commercial

Kyle demonstrates his slick dance moves that will be unveiled when Beyonce appears.

Peyton Manning sack lunch.

Isolde arrives. She's the belle of the ball.

Carolina touchdown. Awesome dance moves.

Steve Tyler. What the tits happened?

Ryan Reynolds is delicious. But we have no idea what it was advertising. Because he's so hot.

We perform a twenty minute Disney song medley.

We've  moved on to a Frank Sinatra medley.

Liam Hemsworth. Mmmmmmmmmmm.

"It's a game of miscues."

What. The. F*ck. Dead dad commercial??????

Conversation that just took place:
Kyle: My sister is trying to win a $100 gift card to Papa John's.
Lisa: How old is your sister?
K: She's almost 20.
L: Life goals.

Kyle disappoints us with his overwhelming love and adoration for Beyonce. Ugh.

We discover that Kyle wasn't even alive for the infamous OJ Simpson bronco chase.


Game is totally losing interest. Technically, the game is a close game, but Denver really should be murdering Carolina because they're playing like garbage.

Overall, commercials have sucked and so has Peyton Manning's hairline.

Helen Mirren is a Planet Earth treasure. But we're on to her. She definitely drinks a higher quality brand of beer in her free time.

Cam Newton turnover. Game over.

Bored. It's time for us to do another activity.