Sunday, April 13, 2014

Yankees Opening Day 2014

April 7, 2014

As promised, Old Man Ed procured tickets to Yankees' Opening Day. Unfortunately, he was too busy watching Moses part the Red Seas to attend, so we invited our friend, Bobby and his friend, Christopher, to the game. This is what Bobby wore to a Yankees/Orioles game:
He told us that he liked the color red. Lisa offered to buy him a red Yankees hat, but that didn't fly. 

We arrived at the stadium in time to buy our sausage sandwiches and french fries before heading to our seats. Two sausages and a side of fries. You're looking at $25 worth of Yankee Stadium food right now. We ate every last bite and we were still hungry. 
Opening ceremony:
Mariano Rivera and Serena's Big Texan threw out the first pitch to Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada. Serena swooned. Not because of this touching moment, but because Andy Pettitte was back in the building. If Jeter and Pettitte could switch places...and then maybe, Pettitte came back to live with Serena, that would be awesome. He can sleep in Lisa's spot in Serena's bed.
Back to us. It turns out that Bobby is obsessed with taking selfies. We aimed to photo bomb as many as possible throughout the day.
Christopher was NOT into selfies, but we must admit that thanks to Bobby's selfie skills, he managed to get a pretty good group shot of us:
And also, we should also note that if it wasn't for him, we'd have no photos of the day at all. This is us coming back from a hot chocolate run:
Something new for this year is the fact that you can now purchase your coffee or hot chocolate in a snazzy, functional souvenir thermal cup for $10. Is $10 ridiculous? Yes. But will your hot chocolate still be hot after you're done climbing all of those steps to get back to your seats? Abso-f*cking-lutely. We call that a win. We're obligated to give a shout out to James (Serena's commish in her other fantasy league) for being nice enough to buy us our hot chocolates while another member of this league negotiated a Stephen Strasburg trade with Serena. 

We had another visitor to our section in the form of Instagram user @cusma08. Obviously, we're ridiculously popular. And sexy. Our friend, Charlie was also in the house, but he was super far away and we're lazy, so a simple text message exchange sufficed for a hello. 

Bobby proved to us that we're not as mean as you think. He's meaner. He photographed all of the individuals in our section that he deemed unworthy of his presence. There was a FUPA (Serena only recently found out what a FUPA was, by the way), a man keeping score that removed his dentures, a girl with ugly sneakers, and many others. By the end of the game, he had more photos of strangers than he did of us...and of himself. 

Carlos Beltran is now bald. He's still lazy and he still runs after a ground ball in the outfield with zero sense of urgency. Each time he came to the plate or a ball was hit in his general direction, Lisa could be heard mumbling under her breath. " conclusion, he sucks no matter what New York team he plays for...And he still comes out to zumba music." - live testimony from TBB, Lisa. 

The Yankees defeated the Orioles 4-2, which is rare. Serena couldn't remember the last time she was in attendance for a Yankees victory on Opening Day. The Mets and Yankees apparently decided to switch roles for the occasion.

We shall conclude today's blog with our token selfie for the game: 
Lisa was really cold, which is why she is dressed like a smurf. 

You're welcome for an Opening Day blog post that contains zero game recap. 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Mets Opening Day 2014

March 31, 2014

For the first time in TBB history, on March 31, 2014, we attended an Opening Day game together. When the morning finally arrived, we cheerfully bounded from our respective beds and checked our windows, eager to see the beautiful day that awaited us.

It would not be so. This is the face of true evil:
Luckily for us, it seemed as though Mother Nature simply had her period because by the time Lisa picked Serena up to drive to the stadium, any signs of the morning's snowfall had been totally eradicated and the sun came out of hiding.

Re-energized by the turn in weather, we packed up Lisa's car with tailgating supplies and headed out to Citi Field. We arrived at Citi Field by 12:15 and were informed that the main parking lot was already full. Probably because of the enormous circus taking up 3/4 of the parking spaces. Police officers directed traffic further and further away from the stadium to overflow lots. We ended up at a small lot near the tennis stadium without any space or time to tailgate.

Bummed, we began the long, confusing walk to Citi Field. Eventually, we found the bridge that led from the Long Island Railroad and the NYC subway system to the stadium. We basically found someone dressed in Mets gear and stalked the crap out of them in order to find our way to the game.
Due to the fact that we had to cross the vast wasteland known as Flushing in order to get to the game, we were unable to get to our seats before the opening ceremonies started. Therefore, we snapped a bunch of photos of the activities on our way to the stairs leading to the upper deck. 
We found our seats in time for the game to begin. The first item of business that we noticed was the fact that Citi Field now has an organ player. For much of the game, we played, "Name That Tune." The player wasn't talented enough for us to identify songs immediately, but not so awful that we couldn't recognize songs. Among the artists sampled were Bon Jovi, Metallica, and the Rollingstones. Secondly, TOWSNBN came to the plate to the sweet, sweet music of New Kids on the Block. At first we thought it was funny, but when he came to the plate every single time to that song, we became confused. It's one thing for us to joke about our love for 98 Degrees (helloooo, we're girls). It's quite another for a grown man over 30 to openly embrace that crap.

Things started to look up in the bottom of the 1st when Andrew Brown knocked a 3-run home run to left center field. Lisa jumped to her feet, excited to photograph the season's first appearance of the home run apple. She waited, holding her cell phone camera pointed toward the area beyond center field. And she waited. And waited. And continued to wait, phone still focused on the spot where the apple should be rising from the center of hell. Ike Davis stepped into the batter's box and Lisa continued to stand there, staring intensely at the outfield, wondering when the apple would reveal itself to her. Nothing. So we have this picture: 
Official documentation of the apple's fail moment.

Naturally, we became hungry in the bottom of the 4th, so we decided to hunt for our food. As we purchased two hot dogs and a beer apiece, we talked about how much money we would've saved if only we'd been able to tailgate! Stupid circus!
We must emphasize the fact that it was a spectacularly windy day. Our seats, despite the killer view, never saw sun and were exposed to the brutality of the wind. We froze. We snuggled beneath an enormous Mets fleece blanket. Lisa's sauerkraut flew from her hot dog and landed on the man sitting next to her. And also landed in her crotch and down the sleeves of her sweatshirt. Now, full disclosure, Lisa is typically a messy eater. When we eat in Serena's bed, Serena makes her drape a bath towel across her lap to collect her food droppings. Having said that, this was still above and beyond Lisa's normal level of messiness. Apparently disgusted by the fact that he was covered in someone else's sauerkraut, he left. And never came back.

Of course, he wasn't the only person we pissed off. Every time we laughed at one of our own jokes, the elderly man sitting in front of us scowled at us. The icing on the cake was when Lisa decided to take a selfie of us cuddling in our warm fuzzy blanket. When the camera went off in his ear, the man sitting directly in front of Lisa turned around and gave us the stink eye.
We considered this a relatively successful day nevertheless for the Mets were winning! Hooray! We were so confident about the 5-4 score that we decided to leave in the at the top of the 9th in order to ensure Serena arrived home in time to teach her yoga class that evening. This confidence proved to be the Mets' downfall.

Bobby Parnell (who is now on the DL) is a raging a-hole. Thanks to him, the Mets and Nationals went into extra innings and the Mets went on to lose 9-7. Soooo, thank you, Bobby Parnell. May you be graced with every STD known to mankind. Gracefully Yours, the Traveling Baseball Babes.

The End.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

The Bearded Menace

It's that time of year folks. It's time to discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly regarding facial around the league. Let's just get right down to it because to be quite frank, there's a whole lot of nasty floating around out there to be discussed. 

First up is Brian Wilson. What. The. Flying. F*ck. What the hell can you even say about this? It looks like he glued an afro wig from Party City to his face. And then braided it. 
As usual, this a-hole made it to the sh*t list. Jayson Werth. We never think it's possible for him to get worse than he already is, but then the next season rolls around and he manages to outdo the shi*t show from the year before. How? How does he continue to astound us with his terrible grooming habits? How is it even possible? His hair defies the laws of logic. Is he that hairy everywhere???
So...Josh Beckett decided to grow a Brillo pad on his chin. Because this is considered sexy now? 
Is Tim Lincecum joking? His haircut was bad enough and now he's grown this pathetic little upper lip caterpillar. We tried to find a cartoon character that we could reference in order to make fun of him, but truth be told, even Jafar has a better moustache than Timmy. 
Finally, let's move on to the champions of facial hair. Let's welcome first timer to our blog, Tanner Roark to the list. 
Vastly improved from last year, no?
Chris Young shows young men everywhere how to rock a perfectly groomed beard without appearing to have used a stencil in order to do it. Or an eyeliner to pencil in the aforementioned facial hair.
Brandon Morrow? Yes. Nicely done, good sir. We likie. You stay classy. 
Jeff Bianchi gives Justin Verlander a run for his money in the 5:00 shadow beard department. We have no idea who he is, but Lisa accidentally found him on The Google. Meow. 
It was a struggle this year, folks. It's becoming increasingly more challenging to find the good eggs in a nest of beard vipers. Why can't you f*cking a-holes just shave your goddamn beards properly? Is it for attention? Because that's pathetic. 

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Meet the Johnsons

We are coming to you live from the comforter of Serena . Today is the draft for Serena's second fantasy baseball team "Goonies Never Say Die." I am on the side lines here, reporting in real time how the live draft will go down. We currently have two laptops working. One on my lap for the commentary of the draft for the blog and one on Serena's lap so she can choose her team wisely and win the "Shiva"
A little tid bit about this league: she's the only chick and she got stuck last year with a sh*tty ass team and took them to third! Booyah! This year, Goonies Never Say Die will rise from the shadows like the great pumpkin on Halloween night and be victorious. 

We have t minus 31 minutes left. Serena is currently putting players in her "shopping cart" if you will.

Now it's down to 18 minutes. Isn't the suspense killing you?

While we wait we will have a short recap of St. Patrick's day . We started off the night with a shot of Jameson while listening to Denis Leary's Irish song and filmed a epic video (that can only be seen on Instagram so you need to start following us cause you're missing out on major shenanigans.) Then of course we needed to eat so we stuffed our fat pie holes with loaded fries and spinach dip and some beer. We then winded up at a white trash bar that played lots of country music and a fantastic song about red solo cups. Twas a early night for us . The next day we had off and decided to be bad ass and, well, we are not saying what we did, but if curiosity is really killing you, then we suggest stalking us on Instagram and you will see what kind of trouble we got into.
7 minutes and counting people!!!

3 minutes.

Only seconds away -
10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1- it's starting!!!!!

We are now entering the live draft. Serena is waiting. She is in the 10th spot. Serena's first move is Curtis Granderson. Wise choice. Hopefully he will do her a solid and not suck since we all know that once you put on the orange and blue, your career takes a turn for the worse.

Serena has made a mad dash to the bathroom. It's a good thing she has some Flash Gordon-like skills because she came back just in time to pick Jon Lester. A lot of the guys in her shopping cart are being taken right before our eyes. A large gasp and a "You F*ck," shortly follows.

Next up a starting pitcher, Cole Hamels is the chosen one followed up by selecting Jim Johnson on her next go about.

Congratulations, Brandon Phillips you are now apart of something so much bigger.

"Short stop or pitcher?" Serena asks. I say, "pitcher you can never have enough pitchers."  CJ Wilson come on down.

Serena already knows who she is picking on her next turn, but she makes them wait like a cougar stalking its prey. Let them stew and wonder when she will attack. It's called psychological warfare. A good minute goes by and then she clicks on the draft button. She has chosen Chris Tillman.

Everth Cabrea follows up.

Wouldn't be a draft unless Serena spews out "I hope you get Herpes and die" as someone chooses a player she was eyeing. Oppa, Nick Markakis!

Houston, she has a Huston Street now. I feel that I maybe found my calling in life. It's very easy to come up with cheesy catch phrases. Maybe I should look into being a sports announcer. Something to ponder.
Another potty break and Serena hands the computer over so I can make the next selection if necessary. It's intense.

Okay. She's back just in time to select Jarrod Saltalamacchia.

Yessssssssssssssssssssssss! She scored Torii Hunter.

Hunger has now set in, but we can't move. Not with what's at stake.The sounds of our stomach echo in the background.  Would anyone like to deliver us food?

Chris Johnson is selected. One always needs a man that plays the field in many different ways and you may take that dirty as well.

Add another Johnson on the team, this time, Kelly.

Kyle Lohse wins a spot as well as Eric Aybar. Ichiro Suzuki is just a short click away and the team is complete.

And here you have it folks. Let's give a big welcome you your 2014 Goonies Never say Die:
Miguel Cabrera
Prince Fielder
Lisa's Husband (aka David Wright)
Yadier Molina
Stephen Strasberg
James Shields
Curtis Granderson
Jon Lester
Cole Hamels
Jim Johnson
Brandon Phillips
CJ Wilson
Chris Tillman
Everth Cabrera
Nick Markakis
Huston Street
Jarrod Saltalamacchia
Torii Hunter
Chris Johnson
Kelly Johnson
Kyle Lohse
Erick Aybar
Ichiro Suzuki

Well, that sums up another great draft. It's been a pleasure. I bid you a good night, America .

- Lisa

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Pittsburgh Problems

As you all know, baseball is just around the corner. With the baseball season upon us, the 2014 stadium tour planning should be well underway. Truth be told, it's not. All we've accomplished is purchasing tickets to the Pirates game. We're still waiting on Mamadukes to confirm the dates of Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party at Magic Kingdom in order for us to pick which September Rays' series we're going to. 

Seeing as how our trip to Pittsburgh is in June, we really need to get our sh*t together. Before we can book hotel, however, we really need to decide whether we're driving or flying to Pittsburgh. In order to determine which is most cost effective, we need to a) research flight costs and public transportation and b) research the cost of tolls, gas, parking, and time. To be frank, this seems like a lot of work and we're tired. We just don't want to do it. SOOOOOOO...if anyone wishes to do this FOR us, that would be stellar. We'll mail you a dollar. Here's what you need to know:
*We're looking at June 6-8. 
*Tickets are for the June 7th game
*We are willing to travel the evening of June 5 (Thursday) and/or willing to return Monday, June 9th as opposed to Sunday. 
*Airports in question are the NY area ones: Laguardia, Islip MacArthur, JFK (NOT Newark)
*Driving directions would originate from a town somewhere in the middle of Nassau County. For example: Bethpage (it should be noted that neither of the TBB live in Bethpage. We're not stupid. You can't be trusted with our legit home addresses).
*The cars that are up for use are either a Ford Focus or Toyota Corolla.
*An EZ Pass will be available for a road trip (so tolls will still need to be paid, but at a reduced EZ Pass rate)

Go forth, young padawans, and help us book our travel plans. 

Our last order of business concerns Opening Day. On February 2nd, we posted the following statement:

For those of you who aren't following us on our social media outlets, we are currently collecting the t-shirts and/or jerseys of baseball players that have disappointed you. Send us your shirt and story to:

Traveling Baseball Babes
c/o Lisa Leone & Serena Ahne
PO Box 2165
New Hyde Park, NY 11040

You'll be featured on a blog post around MLB Opening Day, whether it be a shout out, photo, or video. Best stories = video time. Keep that in mind.

Please note: you'll not be receiving these shirts back, so if you're still somewhat attached to it, don't send it. That is all.

So far, we've received 0 t-shirts. Count it. 0. You're basically ruining our lives. Our Opening Day pep rally is going to be a giant flop because of you if you do not send your shitty team shirt before March 31st. You giant pansies. 

Oh, and also, we're officially going to both the Mets' and Yankees' Opening Days. You're welcome. Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, so expect to see a lot of tom foolery on next week's blog. Again, you're welcome.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Old Man Ed Better Pull Through...Or Else

We have some news to share with you. We think you might be excited. You might even wet your panties over it. We are going to Opening Day together. It'll just be the two of us for the Mets on March 31st, but for the Yankees' game on April 7th, we will have an old man with us. The tickets to the Mets are officially purchased, but we are not currently in possession of Yankees tickets. Old Man Ed assures us that he'll be getting them. This seems awfully familiar. Like the time Joel said that he'd be running in the Spartan Sprint and then never registered. He also never sent us a training program like he promised. Fail, fail, fail. If Old Man Ed fails to acquire tickets, we're blaming this on Derek Jeter. That selfish prick just HAD to announce his retirement. It's all about him. What an ass. He's just jealous of all the presents Mariano Rivera got last year. Our back up plan is that we will spend the game at Billy's. Lisa will rub up against guidos and Old Man Ed will pay for our drinks because he made promises that he couldn't keep. Either way, you will be getting an Opening Day blog post. Yet, another New Year's resolution checked off. It's only the beginning of March and we've already accomplished so much. No more Kitty and now Opening Day. Boom. Encouragement.

In other good news, St. Patrick's Day is just around the corner. Now that we have Instagram, you're in for a world full of hurt. Because we're going to make you laugh so hard, you'll piss yourselves. Of course, you'll also get an epic blog post.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Derek Jeter is a friend in my head

So as you all know by now the beloved captain of the Yankees and my bestie Derek Jeter has announced his retirement. In honor of this dismal event the TBB have decided to each write a Derek Jeter blog post. I can assure you right now that mine will not be as amazing as the post you read about last week. So if you would like to stop reading now I understand and I also encourage it. My tale is simply how I became to having a whole new understanding of Derek Jeter and now Serena makes fun of me every chance she gets. You are probably wondering “how is she going to write an entire post about Derek Jeter when she is a Met’s fan”, but that’s the beauty of how awesome the TBB are we can appreciate other players that don’t come from our favored team.

In the past I never disliked Derek Jeter nor did I love him he was just there a good player face of the franchise type of guy. It was one day that I became deathly ill (in my mind it was one of three things Spinal Meningitis, The Bird flu or Bells Palsy) in actuality is was a sinus infection. I tend to be a hypochondriac which is just another great quality about me. While lying on my couch thinking about my funeral arrangements and what I was going to leave to Serena and my family I came across the documentary about Derek Jeter’s quest for his 3K. I thought to myself well if I’m on my death bed at least I am watching something baseballs related. Little did I know I would come to realize that I would find out that in real life Derek Jeter and I would make great compadres. 

We had so much in common and he seemed so down to earth and he really was a “good guy”. I so saw myself texting him if he was my friend all my guy problems and he would probably fix them by telling me what an epic catch I was and cheer me up by buying me a Rolex. We then could plan prodigious (bet you didn’t know I could us big words. I used the thesaurus for that one) dinner parties with all our friends. I love to throw dinner parties I just don’t because I am broke and I live in a small apartment. I instantly tell Serena how I watched this documentary on Derek Jeter and how amazed I was that I enjoyed it so much. I also told her that I didn’t think I was going to the light anymore. She texted me back “Oh god your in love with Derek Jeter “and behold the on going joke of Lisa is in love with Derek Jeter was born. Just to clarify I am not in love with Derek Jeter I am not attracted to him and his bald head and only see him as a friend in my head. 

In his retirement statement on Facebook he said:“Now it is time for the next chapter. I have new dreams and aspirations, and I want new challenges. There are many things I want to do in business and in philanthropic work, in addition to focusing more on my personal life and starting a family of my own. And I want the ability to move at my own pace, see the world and finally have a summer vacation.”

Being his number one amigo I could potentially help him out with some of his retirement resolutions he stated above. I have a lot of time saved up at my job so much that they force me to take time off. I am throwing it out there friend in my head that if you need a travel buddy I am your girl.  I already have a passport which currently only has four stamps two of them are from a layover to get to a final traveling destination point. You can help me fill up that passport book think off it as “philanthropic work” as said in your statement. It should be noted that Serena has to come with us on vacation. Derek will have to put up with her constantly making fun of him but I assure she is an all around good time and I need her she’s very organized and makes itineraries of our activities it’s extremely helpful. When I go on vacation without her I wind up losing my luggage and getting lost. Take this offer and that would be already one goal down on your retirement bucket list. Secondly you stated more things you want to do in business. The TBB are great entrepreneurs. I am currently baking sweets and Serena does the Yoga. Why not invest in a Yoga studakery? (That’s a studio and bakery combined I made it up just now and it’s on this blog as proof) I guarantee you there is no such thing. If you haven’t noticed I am making sure Derek and Serena are friends it may be against her will but I think we can be the three best friends that anybody could have. BOOM! Another goal bites the dust on your retirement list. Lastly you said you wanted to start a family. Lucky for you I currently have an empty uterus at the moment and for a small fee and because I am such a great friend I could house your child(ren) for 9 months. That’s a win, win situation right there. Think about it.

Now in honor of Derek Jeter’s final season I will wear a Jeter shirt that was so kindly given to me by Serena to every Yankee game I attend. I can’t wear it to every baseball game I attend that would be just weird and make no sense kind of like this blog post.