Sunday, June 23, 2019

NYY Star Wars Day 2019

May 4, 2019

May the Fourth be with you. The game started at 1pm, so Serena limited her work day to only three clients so that we could be on the road by 10am. The CC Sabathia Jedi bobblehead was a must have for our collection. At this stage, we feel like we're bobblehead connoisseurs. In turns out that we were way too proactive about getting to the game early because we flew through the line and got our free giveaway without breaking a sweat. Though we did manage to miss getting our bobblehead from a Yoda-dressed CC.

It is also noteworthy that it was rainy and cold AF. In the month of May.
During Star Wars games, our first priority is always the free giveaway. Our second priority is getting photos taken with the characters. According to sources, the characters would not be available until after the pre-game parade and ceremonial first pitch, so we had time. Therefore, we searched for food. Since Opening Day, Lisa has had a hankering for the bacon cheeseburger fried dumplings. We found them at the Noodle Bowl (not exactly the most logical location, but it doesn't matter since we found it) stand in the food court. They were three for $11.99 and served topped with a pickle.  We also ordered the General Tso Crispy Chicken sandwich for $11.99. As we type these numbers out, we're realizing that this seems very lopsided and it's quite possible that the Yankees have pulled one over on us. 
The dumplings tasted like Hamburger Helper, which is totally fine, but not really worth writing home about. Or paying $12 for. The G.T. Crispy Chicken tasted more like sweet n sour chicken and came topped with coleslaw, which we found extremely baffling because not a single Asian restaurant that we've been to has ever served us coleslaw. Serena scraped hers off and struggled not to dry heave because mayo is revolting.

After food, we watched the parade celebrating Star Wars and all of its galactic wonder and then headed off to stand on line to meet the characters. Like at Disney World. Only there's no fast pass available.
Notice Serena's stance in the photo with Lord Vader below. Upon jumping into this photo, Serena immediately grabbed the point position by his side and asked him if he would be willing to take a prom photo with her. How he knew what she was talking about will forever be a mystery, but he obliged and offered her his arm. Hence, Lisa looks like she is the third wheel on this extremely bizarre date. 
We finally made it to our seats and apparently entered the Twilight Zone because it was suddenly very sunny without a single cloud in the sky and 4 billion degrees. Lisa had about five layers of clothing on that needed to come off. All of our layers were shoved between us on the seats and between our feet. We also rolled our sleeves up to really complete this charming vision of trailer park trash.
Our neighbors had bladder control issues or something because they had to get up to leave our row every 10 minutes, which means we kept having to gather all of our sweat inducing shit in order to stand up over and over again.

As usual, the Star Wars details were adorable, but for some god forsaken reason, they replayed the video from last year where they asked the players who their favorite Star Wars character is. This was such a disaster, why on earth would they replay this stupid thing? Why wouldn't they reshoot this video and make it less embarrassing for all of us? For starters, one asshole (if memory serves us correctly, it was that tits on a bull, Greg Bird) claimed that he was more of a Star Trek fan. Countless infants on that team have apparently never seen the movies and actually admitted this fact on camera like a bunch of buffoons. Why wasn't there someone feeding them lines? Or editing these idiots out of the video entirely? Furthermore, where is the common sense that dictates that on Star Wars Day, you're clearly supposed to lie about this shit? No one cares that you like Star Trek, Greg!
The Yankees played like ass hats, so in the 7th inning, we decided that it was finally hot enough to try one of those specialty milkshakes. Unfortunately, we weren't the only ones to have this genius idea. The line was so long that we basically got our shakes as the final Yankees' hitter stepped into the batter's box. The shakes were $15.99 each. Lisa ordered the Celebration and Serena got the All Star.
The shakes were worth the wait and the price. Our photo also briefly made us Insta-famous when @major_league_chefs reposted it to their account. They post a lot of fun food pictures from around the league, so if you're interested in stadium touring, we'd highly recommend checking them out so that you can get some inspiration while you're road tripping.

Nothing else to report regarding the game because the Yankees were terrible. We had breast and armpit sweat and our stomachs were distended from all of the disgusting food that we inhaled. That is all.

Sunday, June 16, 2019

Mets' Game of Thrones Night 2019

April 27, 2019

Several emails went out prior to the game encouraging fans to take the train to the game because the Mets decided to allow Cirque du Soleil LUZIA to set up camp in the parking lot of Citi Field. Like assholes. What kind of business person allows a circus to set up a big top tent that takes up 50% of your parking lot during the season that your business flourishes in? It's like a florist allowing a circus to use his retail space on Valentine's Day or Mother's Day. It's asinine. The email said that gates open at 4:10. We arrived at 4:05 and the lots were already packed and the lines were long. How is that even possible? The only people that should've been in there were the train people! So, the Mets lied to us.
Once we reached the parking attendant to pay, we asked what was up with the full lot already and she spilled the tea. Apparently, because the Mets are stupid and allowed the circus to come to town and then told us all about it, cars were lined up on the parkway to get into the parking lot so the Mets were forced to open the lot gates early. What. A. Shit show.
After parking, we circled the stadium in search for the shortest line possible. We speed walked like the Golden Girls. We assumed that we were on the bullpen line, but it turns out we were on the super secret free giveaway line! We will use this line going forward,but not share it with you until one of us dies or you pay us one million dollars. If one of us dies, the surviving TBB member will not have need of this line because standing alone on a free giveaway line is just depressing. While standing on the line, we made great friends. A father/daughter duo that found us hilarious. The daughter was dating a Citi Field employee and he assured her that we were on the quickest line and 90% sure that we'd all get bobbleheads. If we didn't, we threatened that we'd put his name in the blog. Of course, we never wrote down his name and we have the memory of a bird, so....there you have it.

There was a Babe Ruth look alike who made cricket noises with his mouth and a man who liked to photograph mannequins that he pulled from the dumpster and then dressed up. He showed us these photos. They had wigs on. It's noteworthy to inform you that he's some kind of engineer for a very important company. He builds things. He also tried to control the airplanes flying above with his imaginary remote control. It had a joystick and everything.

As we waited on line, we found that there were plenty of picture opportunities awaiting us (as per Mr. Met's Instagram account). Mr. Met dressed as Jon Snow and the ACTUAL IRON THRONE! We were going to have to knock over a lot of individuals and probably a few children to get these photos taken.
At 5:20 the line started to move. We followed the herd passed the actual bullpen line that we thought we were standing on, waved to those people, circled a corner and appeared to get merged into another line. We almost had a hissy fit. These random mo fo's got ahead of us on line on GAME OF THRONES NIGHT! Not today, Satan!
Our temper tantrums were unwarranted because we got in rather painlessly and received our bobbleheads without issue.
We immediately raced to the bullpen plaza where we suspected the Iron Throne was waiting for us. Waiting indeed it was. But not for us. It was barricaded off and a surly man informed us that we needed a special ticket in order to access to the Throne. Lisa later found that email and it was a ticket that cost $100. The Mets sure like to rob us blind while taking away all of our parking spots and humanity.
Dejected, we gazed longingly at the throne as we headed back upstairs to the Mets Fan Fest area behind centerfield. Perhaps we'd at least get Mr. Met?
We arrived just in time to watch Mr. Met leave and head for his photo opps with the Iron Throne and all of the assholes who spent $100 on a special ticket. We almost started crying, but the woman in front of us spilled the tea. He'd be returning and she was pretty sure he'd be returning with Mrs. Met possibly dressed as Daenerys Targaryen. This was golden. We couldn't get off the line now! That tea is too good to leave spilled! So we waited.

And were rewarded with this:
After this amazing photo, we headed upstairs to where our seats were located to get food. This is how crowded the Fan Fest area actually was:
We ended up at Sliders and Sinkers and ordered the souvenir helmet with the Plain Jane sliders and french fries for $15.50. Nearby was a bar that served souvenir Mets wine glasses similar to the ones we got at Yankee Stadium, so we obviously needed to get these to match our Yankees' set. Two rieslings in the souvenir glasses were $36. The hamburgers were really tasty and the french fries were awesome. One of the better items we've had at Citi Field to date.
After polishing off our food, we carried our wine up to our seats.
There was a video of the players picking which GOT characters they most identified with, but you can't hear it that over the sound of Lisa booing Jason Vargas.
We tried to take our best snarky Cersei Lannister photo with our wine.
The temperature fell and it rapidly went from a really nice day to freezing. We were not very prepared.
We decided to get something hot to eat to help warm us up. Probably would have been skinnier if we got something hot to drink instead, but whatever. We landed on Emmy Squared and ordered a full Colony to split for $18. It had sauce, mozzarella, pepperoni, pickled jalapenos, and honey.
The pizza was really good even though we were initially skeptical about the honey. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up.

The game itself was garbage. The Mets ended up losing 8-6 to the Brewers. Trash.

Sunday, June 9, 2019

Bernie Williams Bobblehead Night

April 12, 2019

Apparently the Yankees chose to release only a limited quantity of this spectacular piece of art so we had to make sure that we left Long Island by 3pm in order to get to the Stadium as close to gate opening as possible. Acquiring this bobblehead was a matter of life and death. We know that we say that a lot of these giveaways are imperative and "must haves," so you probably think that by this point, we're crying wolf. Rest assured, we are not. This is legitimate. One half of the TBB has his number tattooed on her rib cage. We promise you that there is no bigger Bernie fan than she. In fact, if he's interested, she'll absolutely accept an invitation to get her picture taken with him and receive his autograph. Especially now that she has a phone with a camera on it and no longer wears braces (that's another story for another day). She's available. Whenever he is.

Unfortunately, we allowed Wayze to dictate our course instead of just going the way we normally go. She's a giant buffoon and no one should listen to her because she took us through the backstreets of the Bronx, which is never something you should feel compelled to do. It's totally unnecessary and you're a better person for not having done it. By the time we reached Yankee Stadium, the police had started to close many of the roads in order to accommodate foot traffic. Wayze didn't know that, so she basically directed us right into a police barricade like a gigantic ass clown. Thankfully, we're not 100% stupid, so Serena was able to figure out how to circle around the entire stadium to get to a parking lot.
Serena borderline shoved Lisa out of the passenger door at a street corner so that Lisa could at least jump on line while she parked. The line was already getting out of control.
We got stuck parking in a garage that cost us $40. Naturally, this garage was on the opposite side of the stadium of where she dropped Lisa off, so Serena literally ran from her car to Lisa's spot on line. By the time she reached Lisa, she was sweating and breathless. If these stupid jack wagon teams would just make enough giveaways for everyone to enjoy, this kind of shit would not be necessary. How many times do we need to point this out before the teams get it?

Thankfully, we did manage to get our bobbleheads without any further difficulty, but that's hardly the point.
We were so early that we had nothing better to do than eat and eat we did. First, we stopped at the Buffalo Wild Wings stand on the main concourse and ordered the boneless chicken wings with french fries basket for only $20! It's so reasonable, how do you not get it?
Naturally, we had to stop by the City Winery stand again to grab a table and buy two glasses of rose. While Serena ordered our wine, Lisa examined our tickets more carefully and discovered that we had access to the Pepsi Lounge and Audi Club. Serena didn't think that was right because she was pretty sure that she bought us bleacher seats, but nevertheless, it couldn't hurt to try. Plus, we had nothing better to do and it had just started to rain. Turns out, Serena bought tickets in the 200 level (and thank goodness for that because she had thought she'd been robbed on Stub Hub for mere bleacher seats) The Pepi Lounge is located in the batter's eye. It used to be known as the 1893 Club and had ticketed assigned seats. It now operates on a first come, first serve basis and since it was raining, all of the seats were taken. Therefore, we decided to head to the Audi Club because it sounded douchey and no one ever lets us into douchey places because we're borderline trash.
The Audi Club has two sides to it. One is a bar and has first come, first serve seating. You pay as you order like a typical bar. This side was already swarming with people. The other side has a full all you can eat buffet for $65 and includes table seating as long as there are tables available. The $65 does not include alcohol, but in terms of food, there's pretty much everything under the sun.
For some reason, we decided to go for it. Maybe because we know it would be the only time we ever stepped foot into this club and we happened to have the spare cash. The view of the field from our table overlooked left field.
We ate our weight in sushi, ice cream, and cookies. We ate until we made ourselves sick. Like puppies.
Outside it rained harder. We're actually surprised that the game never saw a delay, but considered ourselves fortunate to have scored tickets (even if it was unintentional) with access to an indoor club that had a decent view of the game. Inside the club, we had the audio of the YES Network's in game commentary.

Bernie Williams threw out the ceremonial first pitch of the game. Paul O'Neill claimed that Bernie must have shoulder issues because his throw wasn't up to snuff. We're not really sure Paul had to point that out. It's been like, 100 years since either he or Bernie played. We'd like to see him throw a ball. ANYWAY, Bernie's adorable and the only decent moment of the game. The rest of the Yankees were god awful and stupid. We'd look up the final score for you, but there's really no point. It was embarrassing.

We took a couple of ridiculous photos exiting the stadium, which we're sure you'll find delightful.
You're welcome.