Sunday, April 19, 2015
Sunday, April 12, 2015
For Serena's birthday, Old Man Ed purchased us an Opening Day package to benefit a charity. For $200/each, we received transportation into the Bronx, unlimited food and beverage during a tailgate, a 2015 Opening Day long sleeved shirt and baseball hat, and tickets to the game. Who could possibly have guessed that we wouldn't get along with anyone at our tailgate party? We're so charming. The only people that loved us for who we are were Old Man Ed's cousins and they don't count because they're obligated to love us. We make fun of Old Man Ed all the time and so do they.
Anyway. Back to the day at hand. For a 1:00 pm game, we were required to meet at the rendezvous point at 7:35 am. This meant that we had to meet at 6:45 am in order for us to drive there together. That's a really early morning. We collected our hats, shirts, and tickets and boarded one of three coach buses waiting to take us to Yankee Stadium. Since we were left to our own devices, we boarded the bus we felt like: bus #1. While on the bus, we opened our envelope to check where our seats were and found four tickets. We were unaware who the other two tickets were for, so we debated selling the extra tickets at the game for a profit or inviting two other people to meet us at the game. As Lisa typed a Facebook status offering the tickets up for grabs, a man stepped onto our bus and shouted, "Are there two girls here with tickets for Old Man Ed?" Apparently, the extra tickets were for Old Man Ed's cousins. Ooops.
Once all of the buses were packed with Yankees fans, we realized that something had gone awry. That something was the fact that we boarded the wrong bus. Little did we know that each of the three buses had a purpose. Bus #3 was for the charity the event benefited. Bus #2 was for the people no one cared about. Bus #1 was for "The Family." We were supposed to be with the other people that no one cared about. Right off the bat, there we were. Pissing people off by unknowingly stealing Aunt Petunia's seats.
At the tailgate, we had to wait on line to make our way through the buffet tables. Naturally, forming lines is a good way to organize many people. Unfortunately, the parking lot attendant sandwiched the buses into the parking lot like the NYPD sandwiches drunk tourists into barricaded sections in Times Square on New Years Eve. It was a bit claustrophobic. Plus (and we have to stress this fact), no one liked us. So, imagine us stuck in a tight spot surrounded by people that hate us. Oh, wait. You don't have to imagine. We took pictures for you:
We wanted cookies, but we would've needed to crash another tailgate party and we were already skating on the thin ice of judgement. Since we were still hungry and we wanted to make sure we got into the Stadium with plenty of time before the Opening Day ceremony started, we ditched the party.
We tried at least ten times to take a Hervie outside the Stadium, something that we used to be very good at. Apparently, now we're photography failures because this is the best one and as you can see in the background, it looks like the heavens have opened and angels are smiling upon us. However, that's simply not true. Angels never smile upon us because we're a-holes. It's more likely that the pits of hell will open for us before an angel even picks their nose in our direction. What you're actually witnessing is an inexplicable blinding light present ONLY to ruin a photo of us with the Stadium. If you'll now look at the second photo, you'll see that a photo of JUST the Stadium came out perfectly fine. Every single photo of us made us look like ugly poltergeists.
We had plenty of time once inside the Stadium, so we checked out the Museum to see if they added anything new. There's now an exhibit on the 2014 Monument Park inductees where the old Lou Gehrig/Babe Ruth exhibit used to be and a Joe Torre exhibit where the George Steinbrenner exhibit used to be, but that's it. No big deal.
$20. That's it. $20 for a bucket of french fries, chicken (or burger) sliders, or chicken fingers. It's brilliant, especially considering the platter for one individual is $12 and it's less than half the amount of food. Also noteworthy: one of our neighbors purchased a pig trough of popcorn for $12. Included in this price is the ability to refill the trough as many times as you want for the duration of the game. The Yankees are probably banking on the fact that no one can finish the entire thing, let alone get refills. The Yankees are obviously stupid because now that we know about this, not only will we be taking advantage of this deal, but we'll make it our business to finish it and get at least two refills. We want to eat $40 worth of popcorn for $12. Just on principle.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
We can't believe we haven't collated this information for you before. Honestly, these are f*cking gems. So, you're welcome. These quotes are a collection of moments that took place while we were together. We may have said dumber things separately from one another, but those statements are not listed here.
1. While looking through photos of our trip to Chicago, Serena kindly assessed our snazzy good looks with the following statement:
"We look like a-holes. And when I say a-holes, I mean an actual hairy a-hole."
2. During a Yankees/Diamondbacks game at Yankee Stadium, Lisa turned to Serena and said:
"What is a diamondback anyway? And why is their mascot a snake?"
Serena: "Lisa, a diamondback IS a snake."
Lisa: "Oh...why would they pick an animal like that to be their mascot?"
Serena: "I dunno. It is native to that area and it is the largest of the rattlesnake species and the largest venomous snake in North America."
3. Post-All Star Game 5K in Prospect Park, we were slightly upset about the lack of MLB mascot participation:
Lisa: "Where are they now?"
Serena: "There's nothing but a bunch of sweaty a-holes in orange."
4. Serena was tired of the Derek Jeter obsession sweeping the nation and in discussing the All Star Game:
"It's his final season. He's getting voted into the All Star Game. Even if he takes a dump at shortstop in every single game leading up to the break, the man will be voted into the All Star Game."
Serena: "You're imagining him squatting at shortstop taking a dump right now, aren't you?"
5. Our assessment of the supposedly renown Dodger Dog:
"It is a raping of your taste buds and a violation of basic human rights."
6. During the Yankees' grounds crew's YMCA performance, Lisa turned to Serena and asked,
"Wait, do I look like a C?"
7. Lisa spent an entire Mets/Braves game flirting with a young Mets fan who was at the game with his father, however Serena was not convinced of this man's worthiness.
"Lisa, I don't want you giving him your number. He hasn't shared his chips with us. I specifically heard his father tell him to share his chips and he hasn't. If he won't share his chips, he's not worth it. What else won't he share with you?"
8. A description of Barry Zito's moustache:
"It is a black cat hovering beneath his nose."
9. While we were in France, we saw a lot of references to St. Michel. Observing one particular statue of St. Michel slaying the devil, Lisa said,
"I don't understand. I don't remember a woman named Michelle slaying the devil in the bible."
Serena: "Michel is French for Michael."
10. Most recently, we put together our first IKEA dresser (with Brother's help). Upon opening the instructions, Serena stated,
"I'm going to be frank with you, we're not smart enough to put this together."
Truth be told, we could've gone all day, but we limited ourselves to ten in hopes that we'll lure you into our web.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
1. Like last year, we'll be attending both Yankees' and Mets' Opening Days.
2. We're forming our own fantasy baseball league this year. We're done with this collusion business that's been plaguing our former league for years. We're moving on to bigger and better things. We're quietly amassing our league participants. Our goal is a 12-team league. We're seriously considering opening a few team slots to our followers, but we're concerned that you'll be annoying. Feel free to try and convince us that you won't be annoying.
3. We've decided to legitimately visit the Baseball Hall of Fame this year. We promise that this is the year. We will not fail you.
4. The New York media has inundated us with reports on Alex Rodriguez's progress during spring training. Unfortunately, there hasn't been a single interesting update. It would be more entertaining if they informed us how often he took a sh*t. No one cares that he's making friends. What a waste of a mobile alert (ahem, Sportscenter).
5. Tentative stadium tour 2015: Miami Marlins
6. We've started working out together on Sundays again. Watch out Instagram.
We intended to write an actual blog. Serena called Lisa. She logged into Blogger. The conversation turned to Mets' Opening Day (Old Man Ed is handling Yankees' Opening Day). It took Lisa twenty minutes to actually procure tickets. Fifteen of those minutes involved her selecting our seats. The final cost was follows:
Convenience Charge: $10.50
Convenience charge: $1.00
Per order fee: $6.00
Grand Total: $116.50
Thank you, MLB, Mets, and Ticketmaster for continuing to bend us over a table.
Somehow, during this transaction, we ended up discussing our fantasy league. Serena created our league. Then spent twenty minutes researching and creating various fantasy team names.Eventually, we invited two other people to join. The end.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
This is why you're not getting a blog tonight. We decided to put together a dresser that has a gazillion pieces . Serena has already stated that she knows we are definitely not smart enough to put this together. Keep you posted on Instagram for the end result which a) might not take place ever or b) it's not going to look like a dresser but a contraption that the cat will use as a kitty condo. May the force be with us. P.s who's excited abouy spring training! We are!
Sunday, February 8, 2015
For some reason, we decided to recast one our favorite childhood movies with baseball players. Since it seems to be a pattern to remake classic 80's films, why can't we? This is the kind of shit you can expect from us when there's no baseball.
The movie we decided to recast is The Goonies and if you haven't seen it, you're an a-hole. Where have you been living this entire time? Under a rock?
The new & improved cast:
Mikey: Justin Verlander looks like he could pass for Mikey post-puberty. Plus, he gives us nerd vibes. Invision Verlander standing in the dugout before a big game, rallying his teammates to the call of, "it's our time. It's our time down here. It's their time. Their time up there *insert inhaler puff*!"
Mouth: Bryce Harper. We felt that Harper would be a good fit for this role because he's a loud-mouthed ass-tard. And also a clown that asks a bunch of clown questions.
Data: Ichiro Suzuki. Suzuki not only looks the part, but seems like he'd be really savvy with gadgets as well. Plus, he's small like Data. It's like he's Data grown up.
Brad: Alex Rodriguez. Okay, so he's not as sexy as Josh Brolin, but he sure works out a lot and certainly exhibits the typical "dumb jock" look. We think he'd look great in grey sweatpants with blue running shorts over them.
Steph: Jacob deGrom is long and lean like Steph. He also has luscious locks like a female. Granted, he has more hair than Steph, but perhaps this will allow him to bring more femininity to the role.
Andy: Justin Turner. Um, hello. He's a scary ginger. Just like Andy. Obviously he's meant to play this role.
Chunk: Pablo Sandoval. Pablo, like Chunk, is fat. Just picture Sandoval at third base doing the truffle shuffle. It is meant to be.
How do you think we did? Do you have any alternative options for these characters?
Sunday, January 25, 2015
So anyway. Back to Bryce. Since he's a child, we picked him up early from nursery school with his mother's permission...of course. We're not kidnappers. Sheesh. From the Children of Hope Academy for the Gifted, we drove Bryce (safely buckled into his car seat naturally...we're very responsible) in our rental Prius to play laser tag. It was Pizza Party Day at Laser Tag Land, so Bryce ate an entire pizza by himself even though we told him that it was a highly illogical thing to do. Boy, were we right. After a few minutes running around the laser tag course, Bryce threw up all over one of the girls on the green team. It was gross, but truth be told, she kind of deserved it. She was trash talking Lisa all over the place. She had to go. Unfortunately, the vomit incident prompted management to escort us from the vicinity. Turns out, being Bryce Harper doesn't get you everything.
We buckled Bryce back into his car seat, intending on heading to Friendly's for some ice cream sundaes, but Bryce stopped us. He said, "Listen here, my soul sistahs from another mistah, I'm having a fantabulous time, but February IS just around the corner and I need to get some work done. Can we hit up a batting cage instead?" Serena, being that she is a professional personal trainer, had an even better idea. We decided to take him to a local mini golf course instead. At first, Bryce was skeptical, but then Lisa reminded him of the fact that we basically transformed Tim Lincecum into a sparkling peacock that wins championships and he gave in. Case in point.
At the mini golf course, we bought Bryce a Good Humor Bubble Play ice pop and let him choose the pink golf ball. He gets very upset when he doesn't get his way. In fact, we always let him win because if we don't, we throws a temper tantrum and it's embarrassing. For us. While we waited our turn at the windmill hole (it took him at least twenty swings to get the ball through the windmill), Bryce mentioned that he proposed to his girlfriend, Kayla. Immediately, we voiced our displeasure. "You're too young to get married!"
Lisa: "How did you even propose?"
Serena: "On construction paper written in Crayola Crayon?"
Lisa: "With a Ringpop? What flavor was it?"
Serena: "Do you even know what we were doing at your age?"
Lisa: "Having a great time! Being awesome!"
Serena: "God, Bryce! You can't even tie your own shoes yet!"
Lisa: "Next thing you'll tell us is that you want children. Children having children! What's this world coming to?"
Serena: "You can barely recite the entire alphabet."
Upset by our tirade, Bryce ran off, screaming that he wasn't going to invite us to the wedding anymore (like we cared). Serena was fine with this outcome because she really didn't want to have to make the trip to drive him home anyway because it was out of the way and there were no Taco Bells in the area, but Lisa felt it was extremely irresponsible of us to not return him home to his mother like we'd promised. Ugh. We went after him and found him crying by himself on one of the coin operated french poodle rides outside of the mini golf place. Serena has no patience for this kind of crap, so she slapped him. It made him cry louder. He called Serena a "meanie." Lisa agreed that Serena HAD acted like a meanie, but that he also had to respect the opinion of his elders. He understood and apologized for being such an asshole, but asked us to please be respectful of his life choices and to his bride-to-be. We grumbled a reply, which was satisfactory to him, but really meant nothing to us, so as far as we're concerned, we agreed to nothing.
After that, we got giant cupcakes and drove Bryce home. He fell asleep in his car seat with chocolate smeared on his face. He looked like such a clown. After bidding his lovely mother farewell (she loves us...our photo is in a frame on the fireplace next to Bryce's engagement photos that had been taken at Nationals Ballpark), we drove ourselves to the airport for the trip home. It was a very long day, but it did help us reach a very important decision about our lifestyle choices. We've decided not to befriend any more baseball players because obviously they're all a bunch of overrated babies.