Sunday, November 20, 2011

Oriole Park at Camden Yards

Camden Yards
333 West Camden Street
Baltimore, MD 21201

April 19, 2008
We arrived in Baltimore late the evening before and climbed straight into bed without showering…which is gross, but we were tired. The next day after touring the lovely city of Baltimore, we changed for the game and walked to Oriole Park from our overpriced hotel, the Tremont Plaza on St. Paul Street, hesitantly wearing our Yankees hats like battered women, assuming that O’s fans were just like the violent Phillies fans from the night before.
However, it turned out that we needn’t be concerned about being victims of a hate crime. Soon we were joined by a mass of Yankees fans making their way to the game as well. We were surrounded by a comforting blanket of navy blue and white. No one would be spitting on us while we rolled with this posse.

As we approached the stadium, our nostrils were greeted by the amazing smells of sausage sandwiches (did we mention that we like Italian sausages?), shish kabobs, and roasted peanuts. Initially, we thought a bunch of people were just hanging around making tasty delights, but it turns out that they were actually peddling their homemade shit. Being that we were in Baltimore for the purpose of exploring the city’s baseball stadium, we chose to continue on our merry way to “Birdland.”
Oriole Park is pretty much the cookie cutter for what all ballparks should be like. It’s perfect. A friendly couple (O’s fans, we’d like to point out) offered to take our picture. Lesson learned? O’s fans do not care what team you root for. Baltimore is like the Witness Protection Program for New York fans, whereas Philadelphia is the angry mob looking to deposit your body in Jersey…probably in Elizabeth. It smells bad enough there. One decaying body or two will definitely go unnoticed.  
The scintillating smell of Boog’s BBQ nearly tempted us from our ridiculous Sausage Theory, but no. We refused to let go of our love for sausage. You would think that our sausage sensation in Philly would’ve taught us something, but no. Nope. Can’t part with a sausage sandwich. There’s an excellent chance that we’d successfully complete the New York City Marathon in record time if someone ran in front of us with a sausage sandwich dangling in front of our faces. Sticking to this asstastic plan would prove to be yet another f*cking food mistake on our parts, but we’ll get to that later. Anyone in town visiting Oriole Park, eat at Boog’s BBQ. You won’t regret it. You will, however, regret a sausage sandwich.

We’d arrived at the stadium with plenty of time to spare, so we decided to check the place out. They had a jump, jump for kids who weigh less than we do, a wooden playground for kids who are shorter than us, and a fast pitch game that we weren’t interested in trying out because we’re lazy. We did get our picture take in front of an enormous poster of the field because we thought it would be super funny to tell people that it was the real field. We don’t know why we thought this was so funny at the time because as we recount this now, we’re not even chuckling at the prospect of sharing this “joke” with other people. We’re obviously complete morons.
As you can see by this picture, our plan didn’t work out. We just look like giant a-holes standing in front of a poster. We walked around a bit more and took other photos before heading to our seats:
The view of the field from our seats:
If you were an O’s fan, this game was super exciting. However, if you were like us, cheering for the Yankees, it was pretty pathetic. The Yankees were pummeled. Not only were they pummeled, but we were constantly being reminded of said pummeling by the random d*ckhead Red Sox fan shouting and carrying on like an imbecile two sections over. His behavior was so atrocious that his friends (who attended the game with him…willingly bought tickets to spend time with him) actually stood up and left in embarrassment.

Around the 6th inning, we got bored of watching the Yankees run around the field like the Bad News Bears, so we went in search of The Bird because that’s what normal people do when they’re at a terrible baseball game. Obviously, the TBB have a very one-track minds. It’s either Italian sausages or mascots.
The employees at a nearby souvenir stand gave us a secret tip about The Bird…that we’re now sharing on the world wide web. Look at this a-hole picture of Serena with the cartoon picture of The Bird.
Aside from her looking like an a-hole for posing with a cartoon poster plastered to a souvenir cart, do you see that door in the background? Apparently that door is The Bird’s hidden portal from his hideout to the field. It became quite clear to us what we had to do. We walked to the closest sausage sandwich stand, bought our sausages, and had a sausage stakeout by this infamous door.

While inhaling these sandwiches like a lions devouring a zebra, we decided that we should probably start buying the food that ballparks are known for instead of dealing with the constant depression that follows eating lame overpriced sausage sandwiches. Serena had just finished her pathetic sausage and Lisa was nearly done with hers when the door we’d been waiting for opened. Low and behold, a giant, black, fuzzy bird stepped into the hallway. Lisa dropped the remainder of her sandwich on the floor and we ran for it. The Bird’s entourage took our picture with him, so we were guaranteed a normal picture. No fuzzy ass. No clapping Lisa. Normal. Except for that weird orb…
By this point, it was around the 8th inning. Yes…we hung out with the souvenir stand people for close to 2 innings. Yes, we are aware how pathetic that really is, but if you knew how bad the game was going for us, you’d understand.

The next day, we packed up the car and strapped the kids in for the ride home. Our little travel family was slowly expanding.
We drove past the stadium again on our way out of the city.
It was a relief to finally cross into New York again. To be back with our people again. Who wouldn’t judge us for being New York fans. Or for loving Italian sausages. The city that can actually make a good Italian sausage sandwich.
Our weekender can best be summed up in the following words: “Life is a highway and we want to ride it all night long…until we get tired and hungry. Then we have to stop."


  1. Okay, a couple things here.

    You gotta admit, the Yankees hats are far more classic than the Met's hats. And we might hate Yankee's fans for their arrogance, but you gotta respect all those championships. Met's fans . . . well . . .

    Okay, I'll confess, I am starting to like you two, and you don't seem like the big obnoxious Met fans who spread out their buffet on the visiting dugout and stuff their faces innings 2 through 6 while actually blocking my view of home plate with their big stupid head. (Yes I am talking about a high ranking New Jersey politician who will remain nameless, even if he does run for President.)

    Second, hey just how short are you two?

    Third, Philly fans would NEVER dump your bodies in Elizabeth, Its too far, and Camden is soooo close. And your bodies would just kinda blend in with all the other bodies there.

    And I would be remiss not to ask this. Just WHAT is the cartoon picture of the bird looking at in the picture of the infamous door? And is that why Serena is covering his eyes? Perhaps the orb in the next photo is a large tear drop from being poked?

    Finally, you don't have to apologize for workout clothes. Unless of course, its sweat pants. There is no excuse for Babes in sweat pants. None. Seriously.

  2. Seriously, Jim, for starters, you provide the best feedback. Seeing a comment from you waiting in our inbox immediately brings a smile to our faces. : )

    Second of all, of course we don't spread our buffet on the dugouts of any team! We eat our food from our laps like champions and let's face it, we wolf our food down too quickly to warrant putting it on display like that.

    Serena is 5'4'' and Lisa is between 5'2'' and 5'3''. So we're small and compact.

    You're right about Camden. We completely forgot about Camden's existence. Blocked it from our memory.

    So the cartoon version of The Bird is obviously looking at Serena's "Girls" and Serena is trying to maintain his integrity by unsuccessfully covering his eyes.

    What sold you on our workout clothes? It was the Warrior 2 pose, wasn't it? ; )

  3. Awwww . . . I'm getting like this warm fuzzy feeling inside. And I'm blushing!!

    What sold me on the work out clothes is the way Serena's toes on her right foot are drumming almost as if she is bored with all the posing, as well as her freakishly muscled forearms. Oh wait . . . that's skin . . . ummmm . . . dunno then. Maybe I just like cotton.

    And . . . . awwww, you're munchkins, how cute. I used to think 5'2" was the perfect height for a woman, and I think 5'4" is in the margin or error.

  4. Oops, almost forgot . . . I've actually always been a fan of Downward Dog, but that would sound kinda . . . um . . . you know?

  5. Freakishly muscles forearms! HAHAHAHAHA! Ohmigod, that's hilarious! Her arms are like the skinniest part of her body. She's got chicken wings with baby muscles attached to them.

    We are munchkins, but make no mistake we pack a powerful punch! Hiyah!

    We know, we know. You didn't want to sound like a dirty, dirty by saying, "Heyyyyyy ladies, anyone for downward dog?"

  6. Exactly!! (I'll let you figure out what that is in answer to) ;^)

  7. first comment was erased.

    Used to have a mini season ticket plan with a buddy of mine. We would go to like 4 or 5 games and then some people he worked with bought the to go the first game...don't remember much as I had a few beers that day. Pre-game at the Hooters- Inner Harbor.

    We had tickets a couple of sections over to the left from where your seats were. We were about even with 1st base. I would usually get the grilled sausage with grilled green peppers and onions.. Throw in some fries and a beer and it was less than $20!

    Haven't been to many games there since the strike though. Then when Peter Angelos acted like a complete ass to the Nats I decided I wasn't going to go any games there. I did go to game last year with 1 of my cousins from LI and his family. Had some crappy sausage from a Johnny Pollock's stand. bleh. Back when I was first going the best food was Tom Matte's BBQ ribs right next to Boog's BBQ...was never a big fan of Boog's BBQ coming from NC. Then would cap off the game with a big cinnamon sugar hot pretzel.

    Camden Yards was still looking pretty good. I did wonder where that big Hilton hotel came from...used to be a parking lot of some sort I think.