TBB: A-holes In Disguise. More Than Meets the Eye

Last week, we shared with you our drunken stupidness (and no one found it at all sad and pathetic…you actually enjoyed reading it) and asked if you would’ve take us to Taco Bell had you been with us that night. 3 of you kindly voted that you definitely would have taken us since you love late night Taco Bell runs. 1 a-hole (probably someone who hates us and doesn’t get our sarcastic humor) said that we sounded like a pack of a-holes. Well, okay then. We have nothing to reply to that. You’re just mean.

While working out, we overheard the YES Network playing some sort of program that was focusing a lot on the famous Derek Jeter catch in which he dove into the stands to catch a foul ball.

We joked about the woman who basically ended up with a lap full of Jeter. “Congratulations, lady. You got to third with Derek Jeter. High five.” This then led us to create more fake dialogue, which we’ve decided to share with you:
Lady: Was it good for you?
Derek: (standing disoriented and bloodied) Der…whaaat?
Lady: Cos’ it wasn’t for me. You were entirely too aggressive and I didn’t like it at all.

Briefly off subject, while searching for that photo of Derek Jeter, we found this:

See anything wrong here? A prize to the person who emails the correct answer first.

Reds closer, Ryan Madson received the surprising news that his season has ended before it even began. Madson will require Tommy John surgery on a torn elbow ligament. The surgery requires up to one year of recovery and rehab. Serena will obviously not be seeking to re-hire him this year for Tigers Love Pepper.

Red Sox reliever, Bobby Jenks was arrested early Friday morning for five misdemeanor charges, including a DUI. He issued a statement on Sunday, apologizing to his teammates and the Red Sox organization. We’d be pretty sorry too. 5 misdemeanors in one evening? Congratulations, sir. Probably spent a night in jail. Yup. That’s definitely something to be sorry about.

The big stories for us involve Chipper Jones and Andy Pettitte. We’d like to say that it involves TOWSNBN making his first spring training start, but alas, that is not so. He did manage to participate in his first live batting practice today, so that’s a plus. He could potentially make his spring training debut tomorrow, but we’re not going to get our hopes up. At this point, Lisa just wants to know who is pitching at Mets Opening Day so that she can decide whether or not she’s going to be walking into the ballpark with some level of hope.

Chipper Jones announced his plans to retire at the close of the 2012 season at a Thursday morning press conference. The press conference took place following sustaining an injury to his left knee while running in the outfield. The soon-to-be 40-year old slugger will begin the season on the DL for the torn meniscus in his knee, but is confident that he’ll be back in action for the Braves’ home opener at Turner Field on April 13^th. The fact that this will be the last season we’ll ever see Chipper Jones play against the Mets depresses us. Our first Mets game together was a Braves/Mets game at Shea Stadium. Adam LaRoche tossed Serena a ball during batting practice. Mike Jacobs took a picture with Lisa. Kris Benson waved to us on his way to the bullpen. Jeff Francouer still played for the Braves. Our last game at Shea Stadium together was a Braves/Mets game as well. Chipper Jones is the standard of everything we once hated about the Braves organization. Gone were the rest of the douchebags that once made the Braves competitors: Greg Maddux, Javy Lopez (who is the definition of beauty, but still a d*ck), Fred McGriff, Andruw Jones (who has so kindly graced Yankees Stadium with his presence), John Rocker, Marquis Grissom, Jermaine Dye, and David Justice. The last man standing on a team of hard-working “babies” is Chipper Jones. Who will we hate when he’s gone? What derisive chant are we going to start at Citi Field during a Braves game, if not the antagonistic and annoyingly repetitive, “Larry?” Because of this, we’ve decided that our Mets game for the season will have to be against the Braves. Granted, we’ll be visiting Turner Field this season, but that’s not the same. We need a little Met on Brave action. And we need to chant, “Larry” one last time before Chipper rides off into the sunset with his son, Shea.

The good news is that Andy Pettitte’s making a comeback (“don’t call it a comeback…mama said knock you out”), so that will hold off the depressed feeling of being old for a short while. Pettitte has signed a 1-year minor league deal with the Yankees and threw his first live batting practice session on Friday. He threw 35 warm up pitches, 26 more to actual batters, and two pitchouts. According to pitching coach, Larry Rothschild, the outing went “awesome.” There’s no word yet as to when he’ll start in his first spring training game or even when he could potentially join the Yankees during the regular season. Serena’s a bit over-excited about this. If he joins the Yankees as early as May, she’ll probably wet herself.

We spent our Saturday afternoon participating in the Workout for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital at the Lady of America Fitness Center. We were Team Transformers (as in “more than meets the eye”). Serena crunched, Lisa counted, and Roberta spun for an hour. By “spun,” we mean on a stationary bike, not in circles like a wack-a-doo. To celebrate our team name, we covered ourselves in fake Transformers tattoos. Serena briefly contemplated legitimately getting the Transformers logo tattooed on her body like an a-hole. Lisa encouraged this. In fact, she said that she’d get Mr. Met tattooed on her body if Serena followed through with this dumbass idea. This nonsense caused us to be late to the event.

Thankfully, Roberta was not late and she saved us a spot near her bike. Note the awesome Transformers water bottle that we were all sporting.

Serena rolled out her yoga mat and we assumed the position. Don’t we look intimidating?

At the end of the hour, Serena had completed 5,155 crunches. This might sound amazing to you, but when Serena participated in this event last (in 2010), she did 7,000 crunches. Old age has clearly slowed her down. How the mighty have fallen. No word on what Roberta accomplished. We obviously dropped the ball on that one. Sorry, guys.

Afterwards, we ate at IHOP and blew all the hard work that we did. As if that wasn’t enough, 2 hours later, we ate pizza.

Bringing it home with a little Seven Mary Three: “Our fake dialogue has become cumbersome.”