Jinkies & Zoinks!

We're going to be brief today because New York and New Jersey is in the midst of preparing for the arrival of Hurricane Sandy (or as Serena's been calling it for some unknown reason, "Hurricane Steven." Lisa thinks it's because Serena misses Steve and that this has just been a pyschological freudian slip). The good news, folks, is that despite the supposed impending apocalypse, the stores are well-stocked with Twinkies. No water or batteries or anything like that, but there's a ton of Twinkies. Plus, if you hit up a Stop-N-Shop, Twinkies are on sale. A little bit of coverage on the World Series and a little bit of coverage on the Halloween festivities to date, which we know you're all looking forward to. Before we get into the important stuff, we must first discuss our poll. You people suck balls. NO ONE voted? This is a first. Not even since our very first blog post have we ever experienced such a blatant f*ck you from our readers. We asked if the NFL should get a new SNF introduction. Did you not know what "SNF" meant? Aren't you sports fans? You're dead to us. Pack of a-holes. You really are. We shouldn't even GIVE you any Halloween pictures, but we're going to anyway because we're amazing.

First, the World Series. If you've been following, you know that the Tigers are in the hole by 3 games. While we're not saying we want the Tigers to necessarily WIN the series, we will be pretty disappointed if the Tigers get swept. What a lame, ho-hum way to close out the baseball season. It's only funny if the Phillies and Red Sox are swept. The good news is that since the season is now so ridiculously long, we'll only have to wait 3 months for spring training. Just two worthy notes: Barry Zito. Talk about a complete 180. The man's been on fire. His curve ball is back to its sexy status, the comb-over is gone, the moustache has been shaved, balance has been restored. Serena's gonna need the 5:00 shadow to come back though. Clean shaven does not suit him. Also, Timmy's been rocking the SH*T out of the bullpen. You can thank us, SF fans, for this transformation because we're the ones who gave him the regiment of success. Obviously he's been following it faithfully.

Now for Halloween shenanigans. As you may be aware, we dressed as Daphne and Velma from Scooby Doo. Let's start with Friday night, shall we? We were a massive hit at the gala we attended. The Mystery Machine was coveted by all. Scooby was loved and more importantly, we were worshipped like celebrities. Just look at this sh*t:

Our friend, Kathleen looked like the bomb diggity as well. The best part is that she never smiled in her photographs like the legit Edward Scissorhands.

Unfortunately, we were all senselessly robbed in the Halloween contest. For starters, Kathleen wasn't even in the final five!!! Seriously? She was "outdone" by a crappy ninja. We call BULLSH*T! We were in the final two and we lost to some kid in an oompa loompa costume! He didn't even paint himself orange! Plus, he was entirely too tall. He was taller than us...which, we should add, does NOT make us midgets. How did you expect people to pick adults over a kid? We were set up to lose. It was a fixed contest. The only thing that kept us together was that everyone kept approaching us afterwards and telling us that they voted for us.

We did win a silent auction prize for a Disney excursion which is pretty awesome. What's more awesome is the fact that Mama Leone has been telling people that we won this prize for best costume. Yup. We'll totally support that rumor and spread that story like a Herpes on a whore.

No problem. We had another night of festivities planned for Saturday night. A bar we were going to was holding a cash prize costume contest. We had this in the bag seeing as how children are not allowed in bars...or so we thought. Since the bar was so crowded, we left the Mystery Machine behind, but Scooby joined us.

Do you know how many people didn't know who we were??? If you questioned us, you're only a slight moron, but the fact that Scooby Doo was rolling with us should've clarified all of your doubt! These people were clearly deprived. A select few individuals recognized us immediately and we instantly became these people's favorite costumes. Batman said we were the best female costumes in the place and that we "totally made sense." A sluttly Bud Light, Cat, and Bunny insisted they take pictures with us. Slutty Pocahontas insisted on an impromptu dance party with us. Neytiri from Avatar high-fived us. Maverick tried to unsuccessfully hit on Velma ("everyone knows that Velma was the inner dirty girl, right?") and a guy not in costume stole Velma's classes and tried to mack it to Daphne because he "had a crush on Daphne as a kid." Jinkies! He realized that Daphne was a cartoon, right? A taco wearing a sombrero gropped both Daphne AND Velma separate occasions.

Failure of the night: A bank robber tried this line on Velma:
Bank robber: So...can I borrow a book from you?
Velma: Huh?
Bank robber: Can I borrow a book from you?
*Did Velma carry a book around and I just don't remember it?* Velma: What?
Bank robber: Can you loan me a book?
Velma: A book?
Bank robber: Aren't you a sexy librarian?
*Look of anger and outrage* Velma: NO! I'm Velma!!!
Bank robber: Uh...
Velma: Didn't you watch Scooby Doo when you were younger????
Bank robber: Uh...yes? Uh, oh, right. I got it.
Velma: Ugh. Idiot.
*Stomps off in a rage to find Daphne*

What kind of sexy librarian rocks a bowl haircut and orange knee socks??? Moron. We knew immediately that we weren't going to win the contest. The judge was a slutty cowgirl and she wrote down the following costumes as competitors: 1 of 10 slutty Minnie Mouses, slutty zombie Japanese dolls, 1 of 5 Julius Caesars, and a ton of lingerie girls wearing a variety of animals ears. Disgusting.

On a brighter note, Scooby Doo knows how to throw down and party. He drank beer with us:

Boogied down on the dance floor:

He was just an all-around good time. He was the best date. He even offered to be the designated driver.

We've got one last chance to win a contest and that's on Wednesday. We don't care if it's just a lifetime supply of pizza or something. We just want to win the prize that we deserve.

Happy Halloween, folks! To all of our Northeastern residents, be safe, stay dry, and stay drunk.

Mickey Mantle Exhibit

We know you've been waiting for this blog post for...well...awhile now. Since we mentioned it in July. Sorry. We had a lot of sh*t to cover! We're really busy girls. Before we get into the Mickey Mantle exhibit, let's talk poll results. The TBB are already infected with Halloween Fever. We've decided to rock Scooby and The Gang. We're going to "drive around" in the Mystery Machine that we make ourselves. It's going to be amazing. Unfortunately, we had a few issues trying to make a descision as to who was going to dress up as who. Thankfully, none of you decided to vote "cross-dressing" as our option. We suppose that means that you've had enough of Serena wearing a drawn-on moustache and Lisa wearing grey sideburns. ANYHOO, the poll closed with a tie. Half of you want Serena to Velma and the other half want Lisa to Velma. You're so helpful as usual. Good thing we bumped into an adorable small person on the LIRR last week. She was starting her first week in 3rd grade and she cleverly came up with a number guessing game that determined who would be Velma and who would be Daphne. This little adorable genius managed to make our decision for us. 3rd grade, people. 3rd. Yet she managed to be smarter than all of you. Lisa will be Daphne and Serena will be Velma. Serena even gets to wear her legit eyeglasses, which is actually pretty helpful since she needs them to drive. We have a little Scooby Doo stuffed animal that we plan on carrying around, but we don't have a Shaggy or Fred. We haven't quite decided if we NEED a Shaggy and Fred, but we were thinking of manipulating Brother into being Shaggy seeing as how he's tall, gangly, and...well..."shaggy." We don't know anyone that looks like a Ken doll, so we might be sh*t out of luck in terms of Fred.

Onto the point of this piece. On July 13th, we headed to the Yankees game with the purpose of checking out the highly publicized new Mickey Mantle exhibit. We made it to the exhibit. Don't you worry. Unfortunately, we had had a little too much to drink, so our memory of the night's events are a touch blurry. As are some of our pictures.

Don't get us wrong. It's a cool exhibit. But it's not what we imagined. We had assumed that in addition to the current Yankees Museum, they had built an adjacent wing (yes, wing) dedicated to Mickey Mantle. Lisa thought we'd get champagne as we entered. This was not the case. They merely rearranged and shuffled some sh*t around to accommodate the exhibit. Here are the pictures we took:

 

 

 

 

 

Check out the reflection in the glass in this last picture. Clearly, Serena's is having drunk problems working her camera while Lisa is what? Checking the progress? Examining what Serena was photographing? We have no idea, but it's obvious from this photo that we were definitely tanked.

We found this Latino Living Legends setup. We'd never noticed this before so we THINK it's new, but we were also drunk at the time we decided to take this picture. It's funny because she's not Spanish, yet everyone thinks she is.

Imagine this slurred conversation as we drunkenly stumbled upon this:
Serena: Lisa, Lisa. Go over there and I take yo picture.
*Lisa stumbles, shuffles, walks in zig-zag-like pattern over to the display, her bag drooping on her arm like she's some sort of homeless person*
Lisa (beer-glazed look in her eye): Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Giggle, giggle, snort, snort.
*The sober group of individuals, including the security guards, glare at us in disgust*
Serena: HAHAHAHA! So funny. We're so funny!
Lisa to random fat man standing next to her: Hola, senor! I'm not Spanish. That's why this is so funny.
*Random man looks repulsed by the fact that Lisa is trying to talk to him*

We next stumbled upon a Lou Gehrig/Babe Ruth exhibit.

 

Lisa's hand is apparently a lot smaller than Babe Ruth's...at least we THINK that's what was happening with this picture. There's really no way to be sure unless we go back to relive this whole experience sober.

After that, sh*t kind of hit the fan. We ran around looking for different players, most of whom probably rolled over in their graves after we skipped out of the place, screaming about ice cream.

We found Bernie's signature relatively quickly since it was so large.

We flipped off AJ Burnett. We're pretty sure us screaming, "F*ck you, AJ" was around the time the security guard politely asked us to keep our voices down. Apparently, we were disturbing the other museum visitors.

We took this photo on behalf of Mamadukes, so even in our drunkeness, we're thoughtful individuals:

We found Bernie's ball:

And Lisa found her favorite Met:

Notice our glassy, drunk eyes. Our lethargic gestures.

It's probably noteworthy that by this point of the evening, we have no idea how far along the game had progressed, what the score was, where our seats were, or who was even pitching. In fact, we can't even recall who the Yankees played. Yes, we can look it up on the internet machine, but that's not the point here. Look at us climbing all over this important, historic statue like a pair of monkeys in a cage:

This photo of us in a replica Yankees locker here in all its blurriness just proves that our camera was just as drunk as we were:

We did eventually get our ice cream, which kept us happy and silent for at least 20 minutes, much to the relief of the other fans in the stadium.

After our ice cream, we ended up going to Stan's to drink more, which was probably a stupid idea. We participated in another "impromptu dance party." Intelligently enough, we took no pictures. Could you imagine what those would have looked like? St. Patty's Day all over again.

Time for this week's baseball notes, which we know we've been absolutely terrible about reporting on, but in our defense, we're lazy. So let's talk about what's big in New York right now. The Yankees have imploded and barely have the AL East title over the Orioles and the only good thing happening in Metsville is RA Dickey. Elsewhere, the Nationals have officially shut Stephen Strasburg down for the season, which is utterly bizarre considering how obvious it is that the Nationals are going to the playoffs. Yes, we knew he was on an innings limit for the season at the beginning of the year (probably before the Nationals had any expectation of reaching the postseason) due to the fact that Stasburg had had Tommy John surgery in the offseason. HOWEVER, now that your team is in the postseason for the first time in the franchise's young history, HOW do you shut down your best pitcher? That's like the 300 Spartans marching into battle without the mighty Leonides. Disney having a parade without Mickey Mouse. Robin Hood's Merry Men rebeling against King John without Robin Hood. The seven dwarves without Snow White. Taco Bell with no cheese! Us going on a hunger strike! It's just senseless, people.

Next week, we'll post pictures from our NFL Back to Football Run and talk about our fantasy baseball league heading into the playoffs.