Sunday, October 28, 2012

Jinkies & Zoinks!

We're going to be brief today because New York and New Jersey is in the midst of preparing for the arrival of Hurricane Sandy (or as Serena's been calling it for some unknown reason, "Hurricane Steven." Lisa thinks it's because Serena misses Steve and that this has just been a pyschological freudian slip). The good news, folks, is that despite the supposed impending apocalypse, the stores are well-stocked with Twinkies. No water or batteries or anything like that, but there's a ton of Twinkies. Plus, if you hit up a Stop-N-Shop, Twinkies are on sale. A little bit of coverage on the World Series and a little bit of coverage on the Halloween festivities to date, which we know you're all looking forward to. Before we get into the important stuff, we must first discuss our poll. You people suck balls. NO ONE voted? This is a first. Not even since our very first blog post have we ever experienced such a blatant f*ck you from our readers. We asked if the NFL should get a new SNF introduction. Did you not know what "SNF" meant? Aren't you sports fans? You're dead to us. Pack of a-holes. You really are. We shouldn't even GIVE you any Halloween pictures, but we're going to anyway because we're amazing.

First, the World Series. If you've been following, you know that the Tigers are in the hole by 3 games. While we're not saying we want the Tigers to necessarily WIN the series, we will be pretty disappointed if the Tigers get swept. What a lame, ho-hum way to close out the baseball season. It's only funny if the Phillies and Red Sox are swept. The good news is that since the season is now so ridiculously long, we'll only have to wait 3 months for spring training. Just two worthy notes: Barry Zito. Talk about a complete 180. The man's been on fire. His curve ball is back to its sexy status, the comb-over is gone, the moustache has been shaved, balance has been restored. Serena's gonna need the 5:00 shadow to come back though. Clean shaven does not suit him. Also, Timmy's been rocking the SH*T out of the bullpen. You can thank us, SF fans, for this transformation because we're the ones who gave him the regiment of success. Obviously he's been following it faithfully.

Now for Halloween shenanigans. As you may be aware, we dressed as Daphne and Velma from Scooby Doo. Let's start with Friday night, shall we? We were a massive hit at the gala we attended. The Mystery Machine was coveted by all. Scooby was loved and more importantly, we were worshipped like celebrities. Just look at this sh*t:
Our friend, Kathleen looked like the bomb diggity as well. The best part is that she never smiled in her photographs like the legit Edward Scissorhands.
Unfortunately, we were all senselessly robbed in the Halloween contest. For starters, Kathleen wasn't even in the final five!!! Seriously? She was "outdone" by a crappy ninja. We call BULLSH*T! We were in the final two and we lost to some kid in an oompa loompa costume! He didn't even paint himself orange! Plus, he was entirely too tall. He was taller than us...which, we should add, does NOT make us midgets. How did you expect people to pick adults over a kid? We were set up to lose. It was a fixed contest. The only thing that kept us together was that everyone kept approaching us afterwards and telling us that they voted for us.

We did win a silent auction prize for a Disney excursion which is pretty awesome. What's more awesome is the fact that Mama Leone has been telling people that we won this prize for best costume. Yup. We'll totally support that rumor and spread that story like a Herpes on a whore.

No problem. We had another night of festivities planned for Saturday night. A bar we were going to was holding a cash prize costume contest. We had this in the bag seeing as how children are not allowed in bars...or so we thought. Since the bar was so crowded, we left the Mystery Machine behind, but Scooby joined us.
Do you know how many people didn't know who we were??? If you questioned us, you're only a slight moron, but the fact that Scooby Doo was rolling with us should've clarified all of your doubt! These people were clearly deprived. A select few individuals recognized us immediately and we instantly became these people's favorite costumes. Batman said we were the best female costumes in the place and that we "totally made sense." A sluttly Bud Light, Cat, and Bunny insisted they take pictures with us. Slutty Pocahontas insisted on an impromptu dance party with us. Neytiri from Avatar high-fived us. Maverick tried to unsuccessfully hit on Velma ("everyone knows that Velma was the inner dirty girl, right?") and a guy not in costume stole Velma's classes and tried to mack it to Daphne because he "had a crush on Daphne as a kid." Jinkies! He realized that Daphne was a cartoon, right? A taco wearing a sombrero gropped both Daphne AND Velma separate occasions.

Failure of the night: A bank robber tried this line on Velma:
Bank robber: So...can I borrow a book from you?
Velma: Huh?
Bank robber: Can I borrow a book from you?
*Did Velma carry a book around and I just don't remember it?* Velma: What?
Bank robber: Can you loan me a book?
Velma: A book?
Bank robber: Aren't you a sexy librarian?
*Look of anger and outrage* Velma: NO! I'm Velma!!!
Bank robber: Uh...
Velma: Didn't you watch Scooby Doo when you were younger????
Bank robber: Uh...yes? Uh, oh, right. I got it.
Velma: Ugh. Idiot.
*Stomps off in a rage to find Daphne*

What kind of sexy librarian rocks a bowl haircut and orange knee socks??? Moron. We knew immediately that we weren't going to win the contest. The judge was a slutty cowgirl and she wrote down the following costumes as competitors: 1 of 10 slutty Minnie Mouses, slutty zombie Japanese dolls, 1 of 5 Julius Caesars, and a ton of lingerie girls wearing a variety of animals ears. Disgusting.

On a brighter note, Scooby Doo knows how to throw down and party. He drank beer with us:
Boogied down on the dance floor:
He was just an all-around good time. He was the best date. He even offered to be the designated driver.
We've got one last chance to win a contest and that's on Wednesday. We don't care if it's just a lifetime supply of pizza or something. We just want to win the prize that we deserve.

Happy Halloween, folks! To all of our Northeastern residents, be safe, stay dry, and stay drunk.


  1. I voted in your poll and then went back a day later and the voted was unrecorded, but I could not vote again. Must be Halloween shenanigans.

    I think I voted for something to do with short skirts, but all the hurricane preparations have left me hung over, so I can't remember. Hope you two made it through safely.

  2. We thought maybe something might of been wonky with the voting ! Good thing blogger is not in charge of voting in the states. Lol
    The Tbb are safe living like amish for now but safe. We hope you and the family and all our followers that were affected by the storm are safe and sound..

  3. Does this mean you traded in the Scooby costumes for aprons and little white hats? How weird is it that I am getting a "Witness" flashback now?

    And I have to say Serena looked great as Velma. Lisa, you look great , as always ( though the photo of feeding the beer to Scoobs looked a bit shady) but rocking the orange socks and looking THAT good is kinda above and beyond.

  4. Both you girls looked just awesome, and your adventures are hilarious. This should be a fun off-season following you girls!--Mike

    Thanks Mike!!! We hope to amuse you! We tend to go off the subject of baseball but as always we aim to be hilarious :)

  5. rut roh! missed another poll. I think I was must have been sulking since all of my fantasy football team RBs are hurt.

    was there a just show Faith Hill's leg option for the SNF intro? 'cause the rest of it sucks like the Mets bullpen. The only football intro song that is any good was the old school MNF music. That was some awesome football music. (took a minute to listen to it on my phone- yay!) what was I talking about..oh yeah. And I don't much like the NFL network song. "Do you like football?" yes I do but I rather not hear your fat ass ask me that 20 times.

    you know you would have gotten away with winning the costume contest if it wasn't for that meddling kid.

    1. Glad to see your catching up on your reading!!! Maybe they need the TBB to sing the next song.. Wouldn't that be just awesome!

  6. you guys need to take it easy on Timmy ferchristsakes..saw this on Deadspin..."Collin K. watched Tim Lincecum party hard at Santos Party House:

    Absolutely horrendous, but in a good way. Don't have to worry about most of the usual bs to get in. There's no way any girl there is over 21 so take that information however you want.

    Last time I was there, Tim Lincecum did two handstands in a dance circle and then puked everywhere."

    1. LOL! Aww poor Timmy I heard prior to that he was Vomit free since 93!!!
      So I guess the TBB are to old to go to that party :/ ...

  7. tell you boy Timmy to layoff the black & white cookies before he goes out to get his drink on.

    yes that would be awesome! TBB sings the next football intro...with fake moustaches. BOOM!

    1. We like the way you think! I mean after all we are professionals at moustaches!