Ryan Braun’s Graffito

Ryan Braun’s Graffito
102 N. Water Street
Milwaukee, WI 53202
414-727-2888

Last week, we covered our visit to Miller Park and discussed the different personalities we encountered during the game. The Seat Nazi prompted us to ask if our readers were Seat Nazis. Of the 4 responses, 2 people agreed with us that “No, it’s a f*cking sporting event. Chill out.” We have 1 Seat Nazi in the mix because “his/her ticket purchase pays the bills at the stadium.”Finally, 1 individual doesn’t care so much about the game because there are cheerleaders grinding on the field and dugout.

So the “Hebrew Hammer” owns an Italian restaurant in the Historic Third Ward District of Milwaukee. We Googled the situation and apparently the Hebrew Hammer chose “Italian” because of the neighborhood’s history. We’re thinking that maybe he should’ve gone with a steakhouse instead of Italian cooking “made from scratch,” but we’ll go with it. Naturally, we took it upon ourselves to eat there because we’re the “Traveling Baseball Babes” and he’s Ryan Braun, so there’s clearly a relation here. Plus, we like to eat. Bonus.

We actually found Ryan Braun’s Graffito by accident while wandering around the area, waiting for our tour guide. We figured that since Ryan Braun fit into our trip’s theme, we’d eat dinner there after our food and wine tour of the city. Makes total sense. After eating fried fish, apple strudel, German potato salad, bratwurst and sauerkraut, chocolate cake, custard, chocolate cheese and drinking 6 beers, a glass of wine, and some sort of home brewed red soda, we rolled ourselves into Graffito. Hey…we did a lot of walking! It works up an appetite.

The hostess made us feel like we were a bit underdressed. She was this adorable little tight bodied thing (who might be sleeping with Ryan Braun) in a tiny black mini skirt and sexy, sexy black stilettos. We looked this after spending an entire day eating and being beaten by strong, cold winds:

Clearly, our faced were wind burned, we needed a brush, and we probably needed to shower. We would’ve gotten a little classier before dinner, but it was too much of a pain to take a bus to the hotel, only to turn around and take another bus back into downtown just to change outfits.

Nevertheless, she cheerfully sat us at a table near the window. After removing our outerwear, we looked a tad better, but still…not very classy:

(note this picture was taken at Mader’s, NOT at Graffito)

The menu is actually extremely reasonable and it’s pretty well-rounded. Even a picky eater should be able to find something that they’ll like. Our waiter, while extremely efficient, was…searching for a good word…borderline insane. He was TOO attentive. Lisa was frightened to sip her water because immediately after taking a sip, he crawled out of her ass to refill her glass. He wouldn’t let Serena open her own tea bag. It was the most uncomfortable dining experience we’ve had the pleasure of being a part of. By the end of the meal, we had it down to a science. DON’T (under any circumstances) MAKE EYE CONTACT.

We ordered calamari that was served in a paper cone and came with two different sauces that had fancy names that were basically a spicy marinara and lemon cream sauce. It was $11. Serena was able to convince Lisa to eat the tentacles for the first time. We also ordered Gnocchi in meat sauce (cos’ god f*cking forbid we should stop at ONE app) for $8. Soooo yummy.

For dinner, Serena ordered linguine with clams for $16 and Lisa ordered some sort of pasta dish with a poached egg on top. We can’t find it on the menu anymore, so Ryan Braun only knows what the hell that dish was called. It was probably around $16 as well. Before dinner arrived though, our Super Waiter HAD to deliver the bread. Apparently, at Graffito, warm bread isn’t just served in a basket before your meal. That’s not good enough. At Graffito, your waiter has to perform magic tricks and Super Waiter was no exception. He sauntered over to our table with flourish and announced that he’d be preparing our dip “from scratch.” This boy literally mixed olive oil with pre-chopped black olives, garlic, grated cheese, and salt in a dish as if this was a dish prepared by Todd English. He even instructed us HOW to create this concoction as if only a rocket scientist could do what he did. We could only watch, open-mouthed.

Overall, we enjoyed our meal at Ryan Braun’s Graffito and would totally recommend it to anyone in the area. HOWEVER, be warned that you could end up with a creeper waiter and he might stalk you to the ladies’ room because you’re not allowed to find it by yourself. You NEED him to direct you or else lives could be lost.

Oh…PS—we just remembered that our fat asses also ate dessert (Sorry…WHY is Serena questioning where her JLO ass comes from? Could it be from the amount of food she eats on a regular basis? MAYBE? What do ya think?). We ordered this AWESOME fried dough dish that was served with a chocolate sauce and a raspberry sauce. It was basically small zeppoli nuggets. The menu calls the dish Bambolini and it’s $6.

Baseball notes! New York Mets pitcher Dillon Gee is currently 7-0 and the only undefeated starter in the National League. How ironic. And he plays for the Mets. Something good came out of the season after all.

Supposedly, if things go well, Joe Mauer will return to the lineup by Thursday or Friday! Now…should Serena start him right off the bat for Tigers Love Pepper OR stick with AJ Pierzynski, who has been so delightful as a replacement these past months?

The Yankees placed Bartolo Colon on the 15-day DL today because of a strained left hamstring.

This song goes out to the eager beaver Super Waiter: “I’ll be there for you, these 5 words I’ll swear to you, when your water gets low, I’ll be there for you! I’ll mash all the garlic cloves in the world for you, I’ll be there for you! When you eat, I wanna wipe your mouth for you, I’ll be serving you. I’ll pour and I’ll tidy for you. Words can’t say what me serving you can do. I’ll be there for you.”