Last week, we asked you lovely sports fans if any of you had superstitions or rituals associated with sports. 10 of you replied, “Yes. I’m not even sure where I begin to describe them all.” Impressively enough, only one person voted for “No. I’m normal. You’re all a pack of a-hole freaks.” Usually, the fact that we offered you an opportunity to call us a-hole freaks is enough to get you guys to mass-vote for it.
With the Superbowl being just a few short hours away, it’s time to come to the understanding that soon, we will have nothing but the New York Islanders to keep us company until April. God, the next month is looking pretty bleak, isn’t it? The good news is that pitchers and catchers report on the 19th! The bad news is that we’ve come to the realization that we have not adequately prepared for the arrival of baseball season. We’ve been too lax in our training for spring training and beyond. That’s all gonna change!!! Well…it’s all gonna change starting tomorrow because tonight’s the Superbowl and we want to eat and drink our faces off…okay, actually it’s going to change on Tuesday because we still want to go to the bar for 10 cent wings on Monday. Yes, Tuesday. That’s it. We’ll start on Tuesday. Promise.
How do we prepare for the MLB season, you ask? We’ll tell you. We know that you’ve been chomping on the bit to find out.
1. For starters, being on vacation during the warm weather months will require us to appear in public at some point or another wearing an outfit made of bathing suit material. In an effort not to offend the masses or get harpooned because we were mistaken for Moby Dick, we begrudgingly embrace the fitness. On some days, we do yoga:
On other days, we strength train:
2. Traveling to stadiums can at times be dangerous. We have to be able to protect ourselves from psychotic fans (not of us, but of the teams we’re observing). After a few bad experiences in Boston, Chicago, and Philly, we’ve decided that we need to be better trained in the art of self-defense. Therefore, thanks to the online videos found on MMA Candy, we’ve picked up MMA fighting in our spare time. We feel like we’re borderline professionals right now. We’re like two steps away from getting a belt of some sort. It might be the Hulk Hogan replica belt found at Toys R Us, but it totally counts for something. As you can see in these pictures, we’re obviously in the heavy weight division.
3. We have to coach our stomachs to handle eating ballpark food again. Therefore, we spend a lot of time at fast food joints and local delis…and bars…eating crap. Crap that probably screws with our whole fitness concept, but it is what it is. We’re basically working out to maintain the status quo.
4. To help pay for these trips, we collect spare change like homeless people that we later cash in at the Penny Arcade at TD Bank for dollar, dollar bills, ya’ll. This season, we’re hoping to pay for at least one night’s stay in Toronto.
5. Part of our change fund comes from our “green” habits! We bring our recyclable water bottles (not beer bottles because as you know, we’re very sober) to the local bottle depot and get a whopping 5 cents back on each container!
6. Lastly, it’s important that we purchase tickets to the games that we want. We can’t just up and go to another city and run the risk of not being able to get tickets. What’s the point otherwise? Do you think people just travel to Minneapolis or Milwaukee for absolutely no reason? Unless you want to get roofied. Then definitely, definitely go to Minneapolis and hang out at Prohibition at the W Hotel. You could end up looking and feeling like Lisa:
There’s a better picture of this situation taken in the ladies’ room of the hotel, but we felt that a bit inappropriate to post here. ANYWAY, the point we’re trying to get at here is that we consistently monitor single-game ticket sales. As you can see, the Blue Jays have announced that their tickets go on sale on February 17th, but in the case of the Braves and Nationals, they haven’t announced their on sale dates yet. Therefore, we’ve joined their online ticket alerts for the time being. Though it’s quite possible that even after we unsubscribe to them, they’ll continue to email us. Subscribe at your own risk, fellow stadium travelers.
This week’s baseball notes:
On Thursday night, a woman was charged with stalking Brian Cashman in an attempt to extort him. Do all of you know who Brian Cashman is? For those who may be living under a rock, he’s the GM for the Yankees. He’s not a player. Or even a retired player. He’s also not attractive. He looks like a box turtle. Not even one of those cute little western turtles that splash around in your home aquatic tank. He’s creepy looking. Sure, he’s wealthy. But if you’re going to extort a Yankee for money, wouldn’t you hit up Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, or CC Sabathia? They’re stupid rich. All in all, this just sounded like a stupidly laid plan. The A-Team would not be impressed. To top it off, his wife has filed for divorce. That’s just a sh*tty week. We’re sorry, Brian. You should drink heavily. But not at a movie theater. Apparently it’s frowned upon to drink alcohol from a travel mug in those establishments.
Brad Penny will be parting ways with the United States in favor for playing ball in Japan. He’ll be playing for the SoftBank Hawks and is expected to arrive in Japan on Wednesday. So long, Penny!
Jose Reyes doesn’t stop being a complete a$$ hat. He received a trim on national television (because there’s nothing better to put on television these days) because of the Marlins’ rule of “no hair below the helmet line.” Here are some of the gems that came out of his mouth:
“One thing that I do, I wash my hair once a month," Reyes said. "Every time I went to shower, I put a plastic bag on my hair, and David Wright (is) always making fun of me because of that. I don't get my hair wet.” (Of course, David Wright makes fun of you…he’s HYGENIC!!! He bathes like a normal person! It’s one of his better qualities! According to Lisa, he looks like he smells nice. She doesn’t know for sure because she hasn’t been able to sniff his neck or armpit yet, but 2012 is a new year)
"It's going to be a little bit emotional because I spent three years with this hair. But at the same time, I understand this rule of my new team.” (We’re sorry, but we were unaware that you had a vagina. You really are a woman. First, you break up with your long time team on bitter terms and now you’re getting a hair cut like a typical chick. What’s next? A gym membership to build a whole new you?)
"A little bit lighter. It's going to take me a couple of days to get used to it.” (But just think of how much faster your blow dry time is going to be)
The Brewers and pitcher Shaun Marcum avoided an arbitration hearing (again, we fail to become employed by the MLB) this week by agreeing to a 1-year deal worth $7,725,000.
Justin Timberlake and Timbaland closing things out today. “It’s spring training so we’re gonna work our bodies like a carry out. Gonna do some MMA until some bitch taps out. Count my change out, baby, don’t you cut any out! Count my change out, baby, don’t you cut any out!”
Oh, wait for it…Go Giants!!!!