Sunday, February 26, 2012

You Look So Beautiful To Me. Can’t You See?

We grieved for a lost time of classy ball players that played with heart last week and asked you lovely people what you felt was the reason for today’s lollygagging on the baseball field. It seems as though you really didn’t give a crap about this because only 4 of you responded. A whopping 2 people chose “I’m fat.” Awesome. 1 person chose “I’m getting paid either way, why do I have to run out the play?” And 1 one person chose “Do you even know who I am? I don’t run.” No one chose “I’m just so tired” or “first base is really far away.”

Apparently among the many stupid things that Carlos Beltran did last season, Beltran also offered to pay for Jon Niese’s nose job if Niese ever chose to go through with one. Niese recently underwent a nose job to repair his Toucan Sam beak and Beltran fully intends to foot the $10,000 bill. We’re so glad that Beltran has so much money as his disposal that he can easily pay for other people’s plastic surgeries. Is he taking requests? Serena would like an ass reduction and Lisa would like a breast lift. Are you listening, Carlos? You f*cking a-hole. By the way, is someone going to pay to have that mole removed from your face? It’s insane. It might have its own gravitational pull.

Let’s think about how this conversation in the clubhouse most likely went down sometime last season:

Setting: Mets Clubhouse

Carlos: Jon, have you ever considered getting plastic surgery?
Jon: Uh…for what?
David: Carlos! We agreed we wouldn’t tell him! You’re such an a-hole!
Carlos: He needs to know, hermano.
Jon: Know what?
Carlos: Listen, hermano, I’m not gonna tell you that you need a nose job, but if you choose to get one, I’ll pay for it.  
Jon: Oh…well…I never really thought about it before…
Carlos: Really? You haven’t? That amazes me. Haven’t you looked in the mirror?
Jon: Well…yeah. I mean, I shaved today. What do you mean?
Carlos: How can I say this without sounding like an a-hole? Oh, wait. I am an a-hole so this shouldn’t be a problem. Do you get laid on a regular basis?
David: Aw, man. I can’t believe you went there!
Jon: Well…no…not really. I mean…there are hookers…and you know…those cleat chasers…and that one blind girl.
Carlos: Exactly.
Jon: Um…are you saying it’s because of my nose?
David: God, this is awkward. Especially since I’m so good looking.
Carlos: Of course I think it’s because of your nose!!! I mean, look at me, Jon. Look at you. Look at David. Now look at you again. We get laid all the time. And when I say all the time, I’m not exaggerating. There are some nights I don’t sleep. I have to drink Red Bull constantly in order to keep my bevy of señoritas satisfied. David here has women of all ages throwing themselves at him. There’s that crazy girl, Lisa, who writes that stupid blog with the mean Yankees fan who wants to punch David in the face. Lisa is two steps away from paying David to bang her.
David: True story. She’s crazy a bitch. And her friend scares me. (Points to his face) I mean, hello. Look at my face. She can’t punch me. There’s a reason why I’m the face of the franchise and you’re not.
Carlos: Yeah and Fruit Loops already has a face of their franchise so you’re sh*t out of luck right now.
David: You need something that’s going to make you stand out, but in a good way. Not in the way that you currently stand out.
Carlos: I mean, when you go down on a girl, doesn’t your nose get in the way?
Jon: Well…I never really noticed…
David: Oh, jeez. That’s a whole other set of problems that we’ll need to work on later.
Carlos: After your nose job.
Jon: Well, if you think I should…
Carlos: I do. Think it over, hermano. Let me know. Oh, and by the way, when you go for the surgery, make sure to notify the Mets. Apparently keeping surgery a secret is frowned upon in this establishment.
(Carlos walks off into the sunset)
Jon: David? Do you think he’s right?

David: (Sigh) I do, little buddy. I mean, if you looked half as good as I do, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. We only want what’s best for you. I mean, the team. And my eyesight.
Jon: (Looking very ashamed) I didn’t realize how ugly I was.
David: I don’t even know how that’s possible. You said you owned a mirror.
Jon: I just didn’t think it was so bad. I thought women didn’t like me because I was Jon Niese.
David: Yeah, it’s definitely the nose, buddy. You get that sh*t fixed, you’re a professional baseball player, you live in New York, and you’re sexy. You’re totally getting banged.
Jon: (Hopeful) You really think so?
David: I sure do! Don’t you want to glisten in the sunlight on the mound like I do at third? (Points to his face) This is my money maker. (Holds up mitt) Not this. (Points to his face again) This will get you endorsements and Victoria’s Secret models that will eventually appear on a cyber list called, “Hottest Baseball Girlfriends/Wives.” For god sakes, look at Russell Martin’s bitch. And he’s terrible looking. But he does have a normal-sized nose. You don’t.
Jon: I do want to glisten like you, David!
David: So do it! Carlos is paying for it! He’s a d*ck! And I hear he’s not gonna be around much longer, so just take the money and run!!!
Jon: You’re right, David. I’ll do it. I’ll make my appointment right now!
(Jon skips off happily)
David: (Looking on with pride) That’s it, little buddy. You go on and fly like a bird! A beautiful, normal-sized nosed bird. (Pulls out to-do list and crosses off “Jon Niese Nose Job”) Now that that’s over with, what’s next? Ah, yes. Getting Jose to wash his hair…or traded to another team. (Laughs creepily).

The lights dim and the curtains close.

End scene.

In other baseball news, the Yankees have finalized a $1.1 million, 1-year contract with former Phillies outfielder Raul Ibanez and a $900,000, 1-year deal to retain Eric Chavez. It’s nice when you’re back up third baseman is Eric Chavez. Ibanez will most likely be utilized as a designated hitter and his contract includes $2.9 million in performance bonuses. The TBB are definitely working in the wrong industry.

Ryan Braun joined the team’s first full-squad practice on Saturday having had a heavy burden lifted. Braun was found free and clear of the substance abuse charges and 50-game suspension he’d been facing heading into the 2012 season. Thank goodness. We would’ve been severely disappointed if our favorite Brewer turned out to be a giant fail.

Akon serenades us with, “I see you in the clubhouse. No girl wants to get with you. I see you in the clubhouse. No one’s showing you love. You’re so not beautiful. So not beautiful. Said you’re so not beautiful. So not beautiful. With your nose.”  

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