Why Can’t We Be Friends? (Part I in a Series)

For starters, we’d like to apologize for being tardy for the party. We had an extremely emotional and disturbed Sunday and we simply could not recover from it in time to post a logical blog. Had we blogged on Sunday, it would’ve read something like this: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, CALL ME MAYBE, ALEX, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT’S GOING TO EAT YOUR CHILDREN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!” As you can see, that would hardly have been productive so we intelligently decided to abstain from posting…and instead, we drank beer with plastic moustaches attached to the bottles and ate Taco Bell.

We feel like we haven’t talked in awhile. It feels like 4 years ago since we asked you your thoughts on voting for the All Star Game. 3 of you said yes, you voted as soon as the ballots were released and 2 of you said that you were going on strike because you were tired of seeing TOWSNBN and Derek Jeter glistening in the sunlight. We haven’t voted yet either despite countless emails from the Yankees, Mets, and MLB.com.

This weekend was the first of the interleague games. Whoopiddy doo dah. Of course, here in New York, it signaled one of the two Subway Series to take place this season. It’s a very conflicting time for the TBB. We naturally want our individual teams to do well, but the Subway Series is like a battle call for all of the a-holes to come out in full Yankees or Mets regalia. People who’ve never heard of Mariano Rivera come out and talk about how full of awesomeness the Yankees dynasty is. People who think that Mr. Met is a relief pitcher out of the bull pen claim to “bleed blue and orange.” It’s a goddamn nightmare for us. The worst part about the whole thing is that these same jack wagons are always the ones to run their mouths off and pick fights. We once attended a game at Shea Stadium (back in the Bernie Williams era) and a drunken Mets fan got into our faces and threw cheese at us, claiming, “foul on the play! A Yankees fan hanging out with a Mets fan!” Not only did this statement not make any sense, it was also a waste of a good piece of cheese. Had it not been dirty, we probably would’ve eaten it. This incident (among others) prompted us to wonder why Mets fans and Yankees fans can’t be friends. It’s quite clear that Derek Jeter and TOWSNBN have dinner parties together all the time. If they can bask in each other’s golden boy glow, why can’t we, as fans, bask in each other’s blue aura? Just because our teams wear different shades of blue doesn’t mean we don’t all bleed blue. We decided to find out once and for all what the deal was.

The results of our research were somewhat inconclusive. We seemed to have found either the most relaxed fans or the most sedated. We interviewed 3 different pools of individuals: Croxley’s Ale House, Social Media Outlets, and The Main Event. Apparently, none of these pools contained angry drunks. What we HAVE found that’s interested us is that across the board (with a few exceptions), both Mets and Yankees fans tend to be disenfranchised by the idea of the Subway Series. At Croxley’s, Larry, a Mets fan, used to love the Subway Series when it first started because it was fun and the teams were competitive. Now it just seems like the players are having a good time with it. John, another Mets fan felt that if it wasn’t a World Series game, then it’s just another game. One of our online Mets fans, Randy, like Larry, also used to be excited about the Subway Series. It used to be like “a mini-World Series.” “Nowadays, we [Mets fans] want to win the series, but we no longer live and die on every pitch.” At the Main Event, Maurice, a Yankees fan, agreed with Randy and Larry that it used to be more exciting, adding that ii would be more respectable if they cycled when the Mets and Yankees play each other (similar to how rare the New York Jets and New York Giants play each other during the regular season).

Naturally, our research would be a bit one-sided if we didn’t report on the other side of the coin. Larry’s friend, Frank (also a Mets fan…and should call Lisa, maybe. Seriously. Call Her Maybe.) truly looked forward to the Subway Series each year. He felt it was good for New York and its baseball fans, the results of the games offering the winning team’s fans a chance at bragging rights (all in good fun if course). Tom from Croxley’s, a Yankees fan, also looked forward to this year’s matchup, citing that the Mets were playing good baseball, making the series much more intriguing than in past years. John’s friend, TJ (Mets fan) was the first angry fan that we met at Croxley’s.  And we use the term “angry” loosely. It was a kind of yogic anger. He was excited about the Subway Series, not to watch the games, but because he was looking forward to going into work and busting on all of the Yankees fans at his job when their team lost (it is worth noting at this time that the Mets were swept during this most recent series. We’re not sure how his Monday went, but perhaps he’ll have an opportunity at retribution when the Subway Series travels to Flushing). When Serena asked if he’d tease his co-workers in jest, he replied in a way that was more hostile than anyone else we’d interviewed for this blog post, saying quite specifically, “no. I’d do it in a very mean way.” Yes. That really was the most hostile thing we heard. Adam, a Yankees fan, was also excited for the series this year, agreeing with Tom that the matchup looked to be promising. However, he seemed to be more excited “to attend the extravaganza” and the “plethora of activities that were to take place.” Then he mumbled something about gorgonzola cheese. His low speaking voice combined with Serena’s deafness led Serena to write the following in our notebook: “…activities that will be taking place…including some nonsense about gorgonzola.”This may or may not be the breakthrough that we’d been looking for and now we’ll never know. Ryan, a Yankees fan we tapped into via our social media portals, felt that the Subway Series was always more fun for the fans than the teams. “We [the fans] enjoy the games because of bragging rights, but it doesn’t really affect the standings enough to make the games important.”

Ryan’s statement brings us to our next question. If we [Mets and Yankees fans] can’t be friends, why do we hate each other so much? The outcomes of the game hardly affect the standings too much whereas playing a Division rival has a direct affect on the Division’s standings. Why do we hate each other so much and not say, Rays or Nationals fans? Strangely enough, in a sea of Mets and Yankees haters, we were hard up to find many haters. Many of our interviewees like the Hot Wing Arbitrator, who is a Yankees fan, claimed to not be a hater at all. In fact, when the Mets do not play the Yankees, he actually roots for the Mets. Both Larry and Frank have respect for the Yankees and their history. Like the Hot Wing Arbitrator, Tom has no hard feelings for the Mets either, claiming that he has a lot more respect for the team this season in particular because of what they’ve been able to do with their limited resources. Their performance thus far has “been good for baseball.” Kevin and Pasquale, Yankees fans we met at The Main Event, weren’t Mets haters at all. “They [the Mets] are a likeable group…David Wright, David Cone, Strawberry, Gooden…” When Serena pointed out that 3 of the 4 players mentioned were all old and retired, Kevin replied, “Yeah, well, we’re old, what do you want?” Both were very adamant about not liking Jose Reyes: “Reyes. Not a likeable guy.” They guessed that perhaps some of the Mets fans’ animosity for the Yankees stemmed from the team’s wealth. The Yankees spend a lot of money to a) retain their best players and b) go out and buy players rather than invest in “growing” their athletes. Not many other teams can afford to do this so they have no choice but to “grow” their players. Then Pasquale went on a random tangent about 50 Shades of Grey and this is where we felt we had lost them for good.

Despite a claimed affection for the opposing team, many of these guys all agreed on one thing: the fans could be terrible. The Hot Wing Arbitrator seemed to have run into problems with Mets fans’ projected bitterness toward him. According to him, he doesn’t go around telling fans that the Mets suck, so they shouldn’t get in his face. He felt that they should worry about their team and he’ll stick to worrying about his own team. We tried to push him for more of an explanation, asking why he felt these fans had so much “bitterness.” He couldn’t say for sure, but guessed that since the Mets fans and their organization weren’t used to winning in comparison to the Yankees, they feel the need to “bring down Yankees fans to their level.” Tom also couldn’t quite place the source of what he called Mets fans’ “disgruntled behavior,” but assumed that it easier for a Mets fan to be disgruntled toward the Yankees because of the Yankees’ higher payroll. Maurice claimed to hate the Mets only when they were good, not because he harbored any personal resentment toward the team, but because a winning season always ignited the rise of the band wagon fans and “they’re annoying. Where were they when their team sucked?” Larry was more lenient toward Yankees fans, stating that he was “cool with true Yankees fans.” He had zero respect for the fake fans who “don’t even know Mo’s [Mariano Rivera] jersey number.” This is pretty much along the same lines as Maurice’s complaint. This is a problem seen in every single sport these days. $10 says that there’s an influx of Kings fans that crop up in California in the upcoming weeks and months.

As we mentioned earlier, there were a few haters. TJ (who we should point out was wearing a Detroit Tigers hat) truly hated both the Yankees and their fans. He said that he watches the Yankees games, hoping that they’ll lose, complaining that both the team and their fans are just too arrogant for his taste. When prodded by Serena, he admitted that he’d only root for the Yankees if they played the Phillies and Braves because while he hates the Yankees, he “really hates the Phillies and Braves (particularly the era of Chipper Jones, Javy Lopez, Andruw Jones, John Rocker, Fred McGriff, Kevin Millwood, Greg Maddux, etc.).” TJ would also never attend a Yankees game at Yankees Stadium for, as Serena put it, “sh*ts and giggles.” According to TJ, he had only been to one Yankees game and the only reason he stayed for as long as he did was that the Orioles’ pitcher was throwing a no hitter. TJ’s friend, John is also a Yankees hater, stating, “They’ve been too good for too long and their obnoxious fans [this generation] have never experienced a losing season. They can’t appreciate winning. They just expect it.” John is a little less severe than TJ, admitting he’d go to a game at Yankees Stadium, not as a fan or a hater, but as a baseball spectator. It seems we just can’t find our male counterparts. Unfortunately, while both TJ and John gave us a little insight as to why some Mets fans hate the Yankees (and their fans), it wasn’t enough for us. We wanted to really get down to the root of the problem. Brian, a Yankees fan at The Main Event, claimed that “Mets fans were whiny.” When asked to specify, he replied that the Mets were “the little brother to the Yankees.” Both Randy and Bryan, a Mets fan we met at The Main Event, claimed that they grew up Mets fans, hating the Yankees. While Randy cited growing up in a household of Brooklyn Dodgers fans, Bryan simply stated, “When you’re a Mets fan, you hate the Yankees. When you’re a Yankees fan, you hate the Mets.” BUT WHY??? Neither being a Brooklyn Dodgers fan nor being a Mets fan really answers the deep question. What prompts you to hate the Yankees so much? Serena attempted to probe Bryan further. She asked what caused this burning hatred he felt so much. He couldn’t identify it. She tried another tactic. She asked what made him hate the Phillies so much. His face lit up as he energetically claimed that Philly “had a trashy personality and no respect.” Encouraged, Serena re-asked the original question: so what’s the source of the burning hatred for the Yankees? The question was met by the sound of crickets. Clearly, we were doing something wrong here.

Having been the victims of several Subway Series hate crimes, we had to ask our interviewees about the subject of fighting. Every single person had no desire to get into a legit fight over “something as stupid as a baseball game,” however most agreed that they could probably get coerced into engaging in a fight with a real a-hole…most likely a drunk one. TJ told us that he liked to keep to himself during the Subway Series. He wasn’t interested in “any trouble.” John added, “To poke fun is okay, but to get into a legit fight over a game that doesn’t matter in a span of 162 games is stupid.” Ryan also wasn’t into fighting, but did explain that if he did get into a fight over the Subway Series, it would not be because the guy was a Mets fan. It would be because he was acting like a “f*cktard.” Also, did we mention that Ryan has a Yankees tattoo? He’s really proud of it. Maurice was adamant about the Subway Series not being worth fighting over, however, he did admit that he’d totally go to blows with a New York Rangers fan if “he was drunk and the dude’s being a huge a-hole.” (For those that are unaware, this hostility is acceptable because the Rangers and Islanders are in the same Division and have a direct influence over each other’s placement in the standings). Adam, at first, insisted on no fighting, then added, “Only Boston or MetSox fans could cause me to fight…or if the fan looked like Chris [The Hot Wing Arbitrator]…or if someone stole my hot dog.” We’re not sure if someone ever stole his hot dog at some point in his life that it caused him enough emotional turmoil to mention it here, but it’s safe to say that if anyone stole even a morsel of food from either of us, there would be hell to pay. Serena carries a softball bat in her trunk and Lisa has mace and a rape whistle.

This leads into our next subject (no…not hot dogs. We know you’re surprised by that): MetSox and Phankees fans. We’d like to specify that none of our interviewees were classified as MetSox or Phankees fans. This next paragraph is just a special little love note to you Mets fans who claim to love the Red Sox and you Yankees fans who claim to love the Phillies. If you truly love the Red Sox and Phillies, you are stricken from all titles of fanhood. You’re a disgrace. We assure you that Red Sox and Phillies Nations do not extend you the same courtesy. They hate New York. For the most part, they want us to walk into a building together and have the roof collapse on top of us. There are always rare exceptions (like Serena’s token Phillies fan, Melissa, who we’re pretty sure just loves Serena), but this does not equate to an adoration of our city’s sworn enemies. Your love for Big Papi doesn’t translate into their love for David Wright. In most cases, they’d probably gladly throw David Wright off the Brooklyn Bridge. Same goes for Jimmy Rollins and Derek Jeter. There is no Brotherly Love for Jete. It’s quite conceivable that they’d try to suffocate Jeter with Philly cheese steak sauce. If only you blinded fans would join us and stand united as the city of New York, we could be great. We could be unbeatable. It would be like when the Allies powers defeated the Axis powers in both World Wars. Or when the X-Men briefly partnered with Magneto and his gang to defend the rights of mutants worldwide. We could be The Avengers. Or The Justice League. Don’t you want to be a part of that? We do.

In summation:

1. Band wagon fans suck from both teams. They should be expelled from the New York Metro Area. Fans should be forced to take a quiz before purchasing any memorabilia prior to the post season so that we can verify their fanhood.
2. We don’t hate the teams. We hate each other. This miserable marriage that we’ve found ourselves in is all YOUR fault. Stop acting like a-holes and maybe we can all learn to get along.
3. The Subway Series is getting played out like Call Me Maybe.
4. Since you’re completely capable of specifically describing to us why you hate your Division rivals (Red Sox, Braves, Phillies) and you’re totally INcapable of telling us why you hate your cross town rival, it’s become clear to us that you’re just wrong. We’re right. You’re not. It’s really that simple. Get on board the love train, people. We’re not saying you have to run out and get yourself a David Wright/Derek Jeter t-shirt, but we are telling you that it’s okay to high-five a Mets/Yankees fan for a job well done OR go so far as to ask that hot Mets/Yankees fan out on a date. Just don’t let that first date be at a Subway Series game because we don’t think you’re strong enough to handle that yet. It’s like putting a recovering alcoholic next to a bottle of Jameson. You’re not sure what’s going to happen, but you’re pretty confident that it’s not going to be pretty.
5. Stop being MetSox/Phankees fans. Join forces. Your city needs you.

The End. Stay tuned for a follow-up Subways Series posting when the Yankees take on the Mets at Citi Field June 22-24^th.

Old Time Rock N’ Roll

Following the release of the Forbes’ Most Disliked Athletes, we asked you why you hated Kris Humphries. 12 of you actually responded. Wow. Apparently we found something you’re passionate about. A man with no personality. Exciting stuff. 5 of you said that you were jealous of the fact that he penetrated Kim Kardashian. Not surprising that this choice was the winner. In second place with 4 votes is “I don’t hate him. I actually have no idea who the hell he is.” 3 of you voted for “It’s his hair. Something about it. Makes me feel like he’s not to be trusted.” No one voted for the fact that he spells his name wrong. If we voted on our own polls, that would’ve gotten at least 1 vote because his spelling of the name “Chris” drives Serena crazy. How stupid could his parents possibly be? Everyone knows Chris is spelled with a “Ch,” not a “K.” It’s just like that a-hole Andruw Jones. It’s An-DREW, d*ckhead!

By now, we’ve all heard the news that Hall of Fame catcher Gary Carter died following a battle with brain cancer that lasted approximately 9 months. Lisa returned home from work on Thursday to find Papa L heartbroken over the news. Gary Carter had always been one of the good ones. Hard working, played with fire, never heard anything scandalous about him, rallied his teammates, was about the team, not himself or his stats. In professional sports these days, a good man like Carter is hard to find and it seems as though the good ones can’t catch a break while the bad apples are given everything on a silver plate. Imagine what classy players like Don Mattingly and Ken Griffey Jr. could have done with their careers had they not had the misfortune of being plagued with injuries. Johan Santana and Justin Morneau are both coming off of severe injuries confident that they’ll return healthy for the 2012 season, but there’s no telling what the Mets and Twins are actually going to get out of these players no matter how hard they work to get back to their original form.

On the flip side, players like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez, Carlos Beltran, and Jose Reyes were given a gift and instead of appreciating it and playing the game the way it should’ve been, they disrespected the it. Sprinkled among this gambit of jerk offs are steroid scandals, wagging tongues, lies, disrespect of management, selfishness, and flat out laziness. The most recent example of this is Jose Reyes. His departure for Miami clearly displayed that money was more important to him than being a part of a team (like Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Tim Wakefield, Ken Griffey Jr., Tim Lincecum, Joe Mauer). Reyes spent years with the Mets following the signing of his big contract acting insubordinate to his management (Willie Randolph) and putting for zero effort on the field. In the final year of his contract, in an attempt to make a “good impression” on potential employers, he stepped up his game and began to play like the Reyes of old. One good season is not enough. You should be playing with heart every day. You’re paid to play, not look pretty. If that’s what you wanted out of a career, you should’ve called Tyra Banks for a position on America’s Next Top Model (ahem, we’re talking to you, Carlos Beltran).

Having an utter disregard for how the game was meant to be played is the most frustrating thing to watch as a fan. You pay good money to watch these players and it’s disappointing to feel like you care more about the outcome than they do. Not running out ground balls, not taking the extra two steps to catch a ball on the fly, swinging at bad pitches (or just watching it pass by), and not taking the extra base when it’s available to you is unacceptable. You learn these basic skills in little league. Now that you get paid to do these little things, what exactly is your problem? What the hell happened to you? You cared at one point. The aftermath of the dropped Luis Castillo pop up during the Subway Series at Yankees Stadium in 2009 blew our minds. Not because Castillo dropped the ball (that was bad enough), but because Mark Teixeira scored from first on the play. People carried on about what heads up base running that was and that’s absolutely true. It was heads up base running, but on the same token, it was two outs. He should’ve been running hard period. That’s something you learn in week 2 of playing little league. So, yeah, he should get a pat on the back for doing it, but he was also doing his job properly. Why are we making such a big deal about it? He was SUPPOSED to do that. Once upon a time, the Andruw Joneses and Alphonso Sorianos of the game used to run hard like that. Being paid big money isn’t an acceptable excuse. In fact, neither is age because despite big money and getting older, you still see Derek Jeter, TOWSNBN, and Jayson Werth running everything out. They might have lost a step or two as they’ve gotten older, but that doesn’t prevent them from playing up to the best of their ability. That’s what matters. Brian McCann is slow as sh*t, but that doesn’t stop him from running the bases as hard as he possibly can. Check out this video clip of his first big league triple. You can pretty much stop watching after 1:24 because the rest of the clip is Jeff Francoeur scoring McCann on a sac fly. Note how Chipper Jones nearly pisses himself from laughing at McCann’s base running. He may look ridiculous, but he’s hustling! As he should be.

The cult following behind Jason Varitek is flabbergasting. Do these people realize that he’s a lazy catcher? Most of his pass balls are not a result of the pitcher’s inaccuracy, but because he was too lazy to move his fat a$$ into a better fielding position. When you’re learning how to field, you’re taught that whenever possible, get your body in front of the ball. On the field, the catcher probably has the easiest time of this than any of his/her teammates. Why? Because the ball is being thrown directly to him. Instead of sticking your glove out to catch a ball to the right or left of you, shuffle your damn feet, and move your butt to get in front of the ball. How friggin’ hard is that? You see college kids doing it all the time. Hell, you see Joe Mauer doing it all the time and he’s got to be the biggest damn catcher we’ve ever seen. He’s got grasshopper legs. From that position, if the ball bounces off of you, it’ll at least stay in front of you, keeping the runners from advancing as opposed to the ball ricocheting off your glove and rolling off to god knows where. We think these lollygagging players need a little bit of this to get them back on track.

Being mouthy is second only to laziness. We’ll accept your douchey personality if you play the game the way it was meant to be (Chipper Jones). Pedro Martinez, Manny Ramirez, Carl Pavano, Jimmy Rollins, Josh Beckett, Dallas Braden and Andruw Jones are all talented athletes. They were all given gifts that normal, everyday people will never come close to. Instead of being humble, they became legends in their own minds. Dallas Braden, for example, apparently pays the mortgage on the mound at McAfee Coliseum. No one’s allowed to run across it. Not even Alex Rodriguez, who unlike Braden, has definitely clocked in many hours working with the MLB. What’s worse about Braden is that he plays for the A’s. This man isn’t even a douchebag playing in Boston, Philly, or New York where douchebags grow on trees. Pedro Martinez threw an old man (Don Zimmerman) on the ground and not only did he not apologize for this type of behavior, he apparently saw nothing wrong with it. Jimmy Rollins needs to stop for two seconds and shut the f*ck up. Just play the stupid game. Quit your damn yammering. You sound like an a-hole. Carl Pavano’s got a lot wrong with him. The Marlins’ World Series championship against the Yankees in 2003 proved that the boy could not only pitch, but pitch well in high pressure situations. What followed his departure from the Marlins is truly astounding. The man got into car accident and didn’t tell anyone in the Yankees organization of his injuries. He just decided he’d pitch through them. Way to take the team’s well-being into consideration on that one, pal. Good job.

After a lot of bitching on our part, we present you with this week’s baseball notes: All Star outfielder and 3-time Gold Glove winner Mike Cameron has announced his retirement after 17 years of playing. Cameron had agreed to terms with the Nationals just two months prior. Over the span of his career, he played with 8 teams including the White Sox, Mariners, Marlins, Mets, Padres, and Brewers.

45-year old knuckle-baller Tim Wakefield also announced his retirement after 19 years with the league, 17 of them playing for the Red Sox. That’s amazing. Players just don’t stay with teams for that long anymore.

In asstastic news, Jayson Werth still looks like a hairy a-hole, but at the very least, he’s trimmed the beast that’s residing on his face. Maybe the TBB’s are finally rubbing off on him.

Bob Seger rounds out the day with, “Just give us the old time baseball players. The kind of men that played with soul. We reminisce about the days of old with those old time baseball players.”

All We Want for Christmas

A sh*t storm went down last week. Talk about a Wind of Change. We think that maybe this is what the Scorpions were singing about. The baseball offseason. Makes total sense now. With all of the changes going down, we asked which team you felt should earn the Most Improved Award. 6 of you felt that the Marlins’ aggressive purchases make them most improved for the 2012 season. 1 person felt that the addition of Albert Pujols and CJ Wilson made the Angels most improved and 1 person thought that the departure of Jose Reyes made the Mets the most improved. Not a single soul voted for the Arizona Diamondbacks. So sad.

Not much in terms of transactions happening this week. Maybe the MLB has taken time off to do their holiday shopping. Outfielder Michael Cuddyer signed a 3-year deal with the Rockies worth just over $31 million, but the Rockies won’t make the official announcement until Cuddyer passes his physical.

As expected, the Phillies resigned Jimmy Rollins with a contract worth $33 million over 3 years and includes a vesting option for the 4^th year.

Last year, we gave you our rendition of the “12 Days of Christmas” called “The 12 Days of Torture.” In the spirit of the holidays, we’d like to present you with our cover of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas.” It’s called “All We Want for Christmas.” We’re so creative, aren’t we?

We don’t want a lot for Christmas.

There’s just a couple of things we need.

We don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.

We just want some players for our own

more than you could ever know.

Make our wish come true.

All we want for Christmas

is for our teams to be improved.

(cue the silver bells)

We don’t want a lot for Christmas.

There’s just a couple of things we need.

We don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.

We don’t need to throw our traitor jerseys

there within the fireplace.

Santa Claus won’t make us happy

with Carlos Beltran on Christmas Day.

We just want some players for our own

more than you could ever know.

Make our wish come true.

All we want for Christmas

is for our teams to be improved.

Improved, baby.

Oh, we won’t ask for much this Christmas.

We won’t even wish to bid for Norichika Aoki

and we’re just gonna keep on waiting

for spring training.

We won’t make a list and send it

to New York City for Fred Wilpon.

We won’t even hold our breaths to

hear that the Yankees signed Roy Oswalt.

Cause we just want a team that wins

without giving us a bunch of douches.

What more can we do?

Baby, all we want for Christmas

is for our teams to be improved.

Improved.

Oh, the Marlins are spending

money everywhere

and the sound of Mets fans

moaning fills the air.

And Angels fans are singing.

We don’t hear any change jingling.

Santa, won’t you bring us what we need?

Won’t you please give both of our teams a good year?

Oh, we don’t want a lot for Christmas.

This is all we’re asking for.

We just want to see our teams

in the playoffs next year.

We just want some players for our own

more than you could ever know.

Make our wish come true.

All we want for Christmas

is for our teams to be improved.

Improved, baby.

Thank you, New York! Goodnight! *Insert crowd going wild*

After These Messages

We know that our typical blog day is Sunday (and don’t worry, you’ll still get a blog tomorrow. We know how poorly you all deal with change), but we’re posting our pathetic poll results and baseball notes today so that tomorrow’s post can strictly focus on the rewrite of our trip to Philly in 2008. We’ve posted a new poll that you won’t vote on because that’s been you’re your MO from this blog’s inception. So, good job, guys. Way to not exercise your mouse-clicking finger.

Needless to say our most recent poll failed to live up to its “legen-wait for it-dary” potential. In the two weeks that it graced the blog, the How I Met Your Mother poll managed to earn 8 lousy votes. The only good thing about this is that you guys actually voted on both the Lisa poll and Serena poll, so that’s a vast improvement from the last time we offered you two polls at the same time. We asked which character from How I Met Your Mother was most similar to us (admittedly, this has stemmed from the fact that we’ve caught a lot of HIMYM marathons recently). Truthfully, some of your answers scared us just a tad. 5 of you thought that Lisa was Ted because she is constantly searching for her one true love. Serena felt like this was a given because Lisa is clearly Ted. Period. True, she does have a gambling problem like Barney (1 person voted for this), but aside from the gambling, she literally has nothing in common with that character. No one voted for Lily or Robin, but 2 of you jack-a-loons actually chose Marshall after Serena deliberately added the following statement to that poll choice: “actually she’s nothing like Marshall. If you pick this option, you’re an a-hole.” Don’t get us wrong. Marshall’s hilarious and Lisa might have a touch of a crush on him, but there is nothing remotely similar about Marshall and Lisa. Do you realize that this makes the 2 of you who voted for that option a-holes? Did you understand that when you decided to select that? Now…Serena, on the other hand, received quite the variety in terms of responses. Either she’s got multiple personalities or you people have no idea what you’re talking about. 1 person voted for Barney because she has a drinking problem, likes to suit up, and would kill to find someone to play laser tag with. We suppose that’s all valid statements however she’s not as much of a d*ck as Barney is. At least, that’s what we like to think. You might have a different opinion on the subject. 1 person chose Lily because she is also obsessed with Christmas. She’s like an alcoholic Santa’s Helper. Just so you’re aware, we had to think long and hard to come up with an option for Serena to be compared to Lily. Why? Because she has nothing else that could possibly relate her to Lily. So you, sir or madam, who voted for Lily are wrong. FYI. 2 people chose Ted because she would do something as stupid as stealing a blue horn from the wall of a local restaurant. This is just bizarre. Yes, she’d probably steal something as cool as a blue horn, but do you know why he stole that blue horn? To impress Robin. Serena would steal that horn just because. She’s nowhere near as girly as Ted is. She’d eat a dude like Ted for a mid-morning snack and forget all about him by lunchtime. 1 person voted for Marshall because she would relish the idea of winning a slap bet and having the opportunity to slap Barney 5 times at any time from now until eternity. You’re probably right. In fact, when she read this, she started laughing. 3 of you voted for Robin because she also has a dude’s personality trapped inside a chick’s body. It kind of hurts when YOU tell her this, but yeah. This can’t entirely be denied. Serena is probably most similar to Robin. However, she isn’t exactly a boy trapped in a girl’s body. She DOES have some girly traits. We promise. You should see her shoe closet and she owns dresses. Swear. She even wears them. We did have a Facebook fan mention that he wasn’t too familiar with HIMYM, which gave him difficulty when it came to voting. Was that the problem? You guys never watched the show? What would’ve been better for you? He mentioned NYPD Blue, but we never watched that show.  

Okay, enough of that. The big news of the week has been the kidnapping of Nationals’ catcher Wilson Ramos in Venezuela. 50 hours after of being abducted on the front lawn of his mother’s house in broad daylight, Ramos was rescued by Venezuelan authorities following a 15-minute gunfight. Justice Minister Tareck El Aissami, who announced the news of the rescue last night, said that the police had 3 men in custody, one of them being a Columbian that is “linked to paramilitary groups and to kidnapping groups.” Authorities are still gathering evidence to determine if there was anyone else involved in this senseless crime. There had been a candlelight vigil held at Nationals Ballpark behind the center field gate during the day yesterday. Approximately 100 fans showed up to pay their respects. Apparently Venezuela has been ranked at the top of the list in murder rates and kidnappings in the world. This is some scary sh*t. The Ramos family is extremely lucky as many families never see their loved ones again.

Other tid bits from around the league seem to pale in comparison to Ramos’ story, but we feel obligated to talk about it anyway. First, the fun, uplifting stuff. Robin Ventura is back in Chicago, replacing Ozzie Guillen as manager! We LOVE Ventura. He’s a great guy, was fantastic hitter, and an outstanding third basemen (and we know how critical Serena is of third basemen). Serena still can’t figure out what the purpose was of getting rid of him for Aaron Boone. Not that Boone’s a douchebag, but c’mon. Watching him play third is like watching an apprentice attempt to replicate the Sistine Chapel. Just not the same. If you’re gonna replace someone, don’t downgrade.

Speaking of douchebag, Jonathan Papelbon will be joining a roster of douchebags next season! Papelbon recently signed a 4-year deal with the Phillies for $50 million. Apparently this is the largest contract for a closer in baseball history. Isn’t that sweet? It includes an option for a fifth season that could increase the value to $60 million. According to some sources, Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. is now on the hunt for Michael Cuddyer. Can the Twins really afford to let Cuddy walk? They’ve already allowed Jim Thome to go to the Phillies!!! Why, Thome, WHY? Furthermore, there’s a chance they’ll lose Jason Kubel to free agency this offseason as well. Amaro also has to deal with the fact that Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Madson are up for grabs.

Other names potentially seeking other employment opportunities this offseason? A-hole Beltran, we mean Carlos, Yuniesky Betancourt, Jonathan Broxton, Mark Buerhle, Bartolo Colon, Prince Fielder, Brad Lidge, David Ortiz, Roy Oswalt, Jorge Posada, Lazy Reyes, we mean Jose, CJ Wilson, Tim Wakefield, and some guy named Albert Pujols. You may have heard of him. Serena’ll take Oswalt. She can live with the Yankees signing him. : ) Maybe he’ll balance out the fact that a basket case with terrible, terrible hair is the Yankees’ supposed #2 guy. Lisa’s simply looking forward to unloading yet another arrogant and lazy piece of garbage that cares more for himself than the fans and actually trying to win a game.

Yankees Opening Day 2010

It's been a busy week for the TBB. We "watched" the Yankees home opener on Tuesday, we saw Rock of Ages last night, and Sister has finally gone into labor! We know. You're practically breathless from the excitement, but easy, tigers. It's time for our poll results. Serena has asked who you'd throw for Opening Day and 8 folks voiced their opinion. The winner with 3 votes is "Tiny" Tim Lincecum and who could really blame you for choosing him? Second place is a tie going to Roy Halladay and Andy Pettite, each earning 2 votes. Only 1 sad individual voted for Johan Santana, which is a bit perplexing to us. Really? Only 1 person felt he was qualified to pitch Opening Day? No one voted for Zack Greinke (but we're thinking this might be because he plays for the Royals, a low media-exposed team), Kevin Costner (You really don't think his performance in For the Love of the Game is enough experience?), or Brother (we'll have you know that Brother is VERY athletic, thank you!).

Neither of us had tickets to the Yankees home opener, so we were forced to watch the game from our desks via ESPN Gamecast:

The pitching matchup was Andy Pettitte/Ervin Santana. Pettitte was kick ass, throwing 100 pitches over 6 innings, giving up 5 hits, 0 runs, 3 walks, and striking out 6. Santana did not have the same success. He threw 113 innings over 5.2 innings, allowing 8 hits, 5 walks, and two home runs (1 solo shot by Nick Johnson in the first and another solo shot by Derek Jeter in the 4th). He did manage to strike out 7, but also had the misfortune of being the victim of 5 errors committed by his defense! Good grief.

Thankfully, the YES Network broadcasted an "encore performance" of the game, so that Serena was able to rush home from the gym to watch the pre-game ceremonies. *sigh* She got home just in time for Hideki Matsui, wearing his Angels uniform, to receive his World Series ring. The crowd gave him a standing ovation. After receiving his ring, his former teammates converged around him, embracing him in an adorable and writhing puppy pile! He seemed shock by the love displayed for him.

Another former Yankees to receive a warm welcome was Bobby Abreu during the starting lineups, but nowhere to the extent of Matsui. Serena was in heaven when her man, Bernie Williams, came out to throw the first pitch. Yeah. She teared up a little. She's a loser.

In typical Yankees fashion, the buulpen chose to give us a heart attack. With a 7-1 lead in the top of the 9th (should be a guaranteed W, dontcha think?), Dave Robertson loaded the bases for Abreu. Abreu teed off, hitting a grand slam and making the score 7-5. Seriously, kid?! You had a 6 run lead in the damn 9th inning! Are you an a-hole? Girardi would have to call on Mariano Rivera to close out the game, which is absolutely ludicrous.

We mentioned earlier that we saw Rock of Ages at the Brooks Atkinson Theatre on West 47th Street last night. If you're ever in the New York area and have a taste for tacky 80's glam rock, then you MUST see this play. It's fantastic. The narrator, Lonny, with his magical mullet and "Hooray for Boobies" and "Camel Toe" t-shirts is Serena's best friend, even though she hasn't met him yet. The stars are aligned and it's only a matter of time before they can be together (heaven isn't too far away, closer to it everyday...). In the meantime, we shall have to settle for making him the TBB Super Hero of the Week.

This week's baseball notes: On Monday, the Twins christened their brand new stadium, Target Field, by defeating the Red Sox! Carl Pavano got the stadiums first win (will wonders never cease to amaze us?) and Jon Lester took the loss. Lester struggled a bit. Of 107 pitches, only 59 were strikes. He gave up 4 runs on 9 hits and 3 walks. Jason Kubel will go down in the books as the first to homer at Target Field. On Tuesday night against the Mariners, A's pitcher Brad Ziegler showed another side to himself. In the 7th, he entered the game in relief for Brett Anderson, who had pitched a gem, striking out 6 in 6 scoreless innings. From the beginning, it was clear the Ziegler was suffering from command issues. Thanks to an amazing defensive play by catcher, Kurt Suzuki, he was able to exit the inning unscathed. He would not be so lucky in the 8th when he gave up a 3-run homer to the struggling Milton Bradley to break the 0-0 tie. Perhaps Ziegler was distracted by something and unable to focus on the game? Hmmm...On the flip side, the Mariners' Doug Fister lasted 8 innings, striking out 4 and allowing only 4 hits. 21-year old Matthew Clemmens of Cherry Hill, New Jersey, is facing charges for intentionally vomitting on an 11-year old girl and her father during Wednesday night's Phillies-Nationals game. How disgusting is that? Ugh! Police say that Clemmens made himself puke by putting his finger down his throat after his companion was kicked out for unruly behavior. Where do people come up with this crap?! Revolting! Mr. Clemmens, you will never get laid with that kind of personality! In injury news, Jimmy Rollins is expected to be out 2-4 weeks with a mild-moderate strained right calf. Jacoby Ellsbury bruised his left ribs in a collision with thirdbaseman Adrian Beltre on Sunday in Kansas City and is still reporting soreness and some trouble breathing. Ouch! On Wednesday, Terry Francona announced that Ellsbury probably wouldn't return to the lineup until Friday. We shall see how Ellsbury's holding up once game time rolls around tonight, won't we?

Be sure to check out our post regarding the Fathead Sweepstakes for the month of April!