Inquiring Minds Want to Know

Truthfully, we are somewhat surprised that you even participated in our TBB Q&A session. Not many of you participated, but there was legitimate participation here. Congrats. We're so proud.

Below are your questions copied and pasted from their various locations on the world wide web. They appear within quotation marks. Our answers are in italics.

"What is the meaning of life?"
You are born. You go to school. Some of you will graduate. You will have high hopes and aspirations to be something great. You get an underpaying job working for "the man" and if you're lucky, it comes with health benefits and a retirement plan. Maybe you have a family who will bleed you dry of what little money you make. Then you die, your dreams unfulfilled.

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Since it's a woodchuck, it can chuck a lot. Like all of Abe Lincoln's log cabin.

"Have you ever bought a five dollar hot cocoa at a ballpark?"
No. But James once bought us hot cocoa at Yankees Opening Day and for that we are thankful. Also, it was more than $5 because it came in a travel cup.

"Aside from the Mets and Yankees name your next favorite team?" (There were two requests for this question)
Lisa likes the Nationals and Pirates (because she likes Pirates) while Serena follows the Twins and Rays.

"Altoids or Extra gum?"
Gum

"How did you two end up meeting?"
This sounds like the start of a romantic comedy. We met at a job where we would spend our days designing PowerPoint Presentations making fun of people and accidentally downloading viruses to other people's computers by visiting porn sites instead of shoe sites.

"What is your favorite Taco Bell food item?"
That's like asking your mother who her favorite child is. Do we really have to pick?

"What would be your walk up to the plate song be?"
Who could commit to just one thing for the rest of their career? We change our minds like we change underwear. Lisa might pick Tina Turner's Simply the Best one day and Bon Jovi's Living On A Prayer (because she'll need a prayer if she ever expects to hit a ball). Serena, on the other hand, could go anywhere from NIN's Closer to Eric Clapton's Layla (because she likes old men like him and Kevin Costner).

"Is it ok to wear your home teams jersey to a different sporting event. Meaning, would you wear a New York Giants NFL jersey to a Mets/Yankee game? Is it ok to wear a Boston Celtics jersey to a Patriots game? This past season, I was at a Dodger game the day after the LA Kings won the Stanley Cup; a couple of fans came in their Kings jerseys, were showed on the big screen and were booed. Dodger fans yelled “this is a baseball game.” Granted I know Dodger fans boo everything, but did they have a point to boo the Kings fans or where they wrong. Your thoughts?"
We wore our Giants jerseys to a Yankees game when the Giants were in the playoffs. It's totally fine. Those Dodger fans sound like narrowminded dicks.

Top 10 Reasons Why RA Dickey & Serena Need to be Friends

Last week we presented you with our third installment of "Dear David." Apparently, most of you are starting to be concerned for Lisa's mental health. We assure you that everything is fine. All of her mental faculties are in place. Serena knows this for a fact because when we went to the bar on Monday night, she drank all of her beer without Serena's assistance and helped Serena eat a plate of honey bbq wings, a plate of pulled pork potato skins, and another plate/bowl of spinach dip and chips. If she was mentally ill, she couldn't possibly have done all of these things so stop being so concerned. If she wants to make her life mission about banging TOWSNBN, then so be it. People have had more pathetic dreams, okay? Stop being so judgemental. You're just jealous.

In light of our recent letter, we asked you if you thought that TOWSNBN would join us in Foxwoods and 3 of 4 you felt that the only thing that would be joining us in Foxwoods was a restraining order. Only 1 person thought that he would because we're hot AND hilarious. Well, the joke is on you 3 a-holes because no one sent us a restraining order. F*ck you. We're more upset that no one thinks we're hilarious because we obviously are. You wouldn't know funny if it slapped you in face. You're just jealous.

Onto the real purpose of today's blog post. After much deliberation, we've decided that it was a moral imperative that RA Dickey and Serena need to be BFFers. NOT, we need to stress, BFers. She has no interest in receiving penetration from this man. We feel pretty strongly that if he got to know Serena, he wouldn't hesitate in participate in this friendship, however there is the unfortunate fact of him being on friendly terms with TOWSNBN. Since he's a raging a-hole, he probably has already spent an unnecessary amount of time bad-mouthing us to RA. Therefore, we need to convince RA that TOWSNBN is a melodramatic idiot. We present to you the Top 10 Reasons Why RA Dickey & Serena Need to be Friends:

1. Both RA Dickey and Serena are obsessed with Star Wars. In fact, Serena has a plastic red lightsaber that she hits Lisa with once in awhile when she's feeling bored. Lisa also bought her a "Baby Darth" for a Christmas stocking stuffer one year. In fact, Serena's been trying to convince Lisa that our Halloween costumes should be Han Solo and Princess Leia. Naturally, Serena wants to be Han, which leaves Lisa the task of wearing cinnamon rolls on her head and donning a white bathrobe to be Princess Leia. If Serena and RA became friends, Lisa could stop entertaining Serena's stupid Star Wars ideas and RA Dickey can be Princess Leia for Halloween. Maybe he'll even rock the slave costume because Lisa refuses to.

2. RA Dickey has an English Literature degree from the University of Tennessee. Serena's degree from Emerson College is Writing, Literature, and Publishing. So they can sit together and pontificate about books they've read. They can recommend books to each other on GoodReads.
3. Speaking of books, he is known to have a stack of books in his locker. Among them was a collection of works by CS Lewis (author of The Chronicles of Narnia). Serena also has a collection of CS Lewis books on her shelf (among other things).

4. RA once climbed Mount Kilimanjaro to promote awareness for human trafficking. Serena once climbed a mountain to do yoga and get the sh*t scared out of her by not one, but two mother f*cking snakes.

5. RA Dickey once made his way to the plate to the theme song from Game of Thrones. Last week, Serena turned to Lisa and said, "I'm sooooo excited for March 13th!"
Lisa: "Oh, for your birthday?"
Serena: "What?"
Lisa: "Your birthday. It's March 13th."
Serena: "Oh...no, I don't care about that. Game of Thrones is coming back!!!!"
6. RA's career ERA is 3.98. Serena can eat 3.98 cheesy gordita crunches without breaking a sweat. In fact, let's just round that up to 4. Serena can eat 4 cheesy gordita crunches.
7. RA bats from the right side as does Serena.
8. As per RA's Twatter profile, he is a "ninja in training." Well, seek no more, RA. Serena is a professional ninja. She can guide him down the path toward professionalism. Just ask Serena's little glow-in-the-dark baby ninja friends:

9. RA has a moustache and sometimes, when she's feeling frisky, so does Serena:

10. If Serena and RA become BFFers, TOWSNBN will have no choice but to penetrate Lisa.

Clearly, this list has proven that RA Dickey and Serena are meant to live together in nerd harmony. "It is our destiny," as Vader would say. You're all just jealous by how much RA and Serena have in common. And by how funny we are.

Why Can’t We Be Friends? (Part I in a Series)

For starters, we’d like to apologize for being tardy for the party. We had an extremely emotional and disturbed Sunday and we simply could not recover from it in time to post a logical blog. Had we blogged on Sunday, it would’ve read something like this: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, CALL ME MAYBE, ALEX, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT’S GOING TO EAT YOUR CHILDREN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!” As you can see, that would hardly have been productive so we intelligently decided to abstain from posting…and instead, we drank beer with plastic moustaches attached to the bottles and ate Taco Bell.

We feel like we haven’t talked in awhile. It feels like 4 years ago since we asked you your thoughts on voting for the All Star Game. 3 of you said yes, you voted as soon as the ballots were released and 2 of you said that you were going on strike because you were tired of seeing TOWSNBN and Derek Jeter glistening in the sunlight. We haven’t voted yet either despite countless emails from the Yankees, Mets, and MLB.com.

This weekend was the first of the interleague games. Whoopiddy doo dah. Of course, here in New York, it signaled one of the two Subway Series to take place this season. It’s a very conflicting time for the TBB. We naturally want our individual teams to do well, but the Subway Series is like a battle call for all of the a-holes to come out in full Yankees or Mets regalia. People who’ve never heard of Mariano Rivera come out and talk about how full of awesomeness the Yankees dynasty is. People who think that Mr. Met is a relief pitcher out of the bull pen claim to “bleed blue and orange.” It’s a goddamn nightmare for us. The worst part about the whole thing is that these same jack wagons are always the ones to run their mouths off and pick fights. We once attended a game at Shea Stadium (back in the Bernie Williams era) and a drunken Mets fan got into our faces and threw cheese at us, claiming, “foul on the play! A Yankees fan hanging out with a Mets fan!” Not only did this statement not make any sense, it was also a waste of a good piece of cheese. Had it not been dirty, we probably would’ve eaten it. This incident (among others) prompted us to wonder why Mets fans and Yankees fans can’t be friends. It’s quite clear that Derek Jeter and TOWSNBN have dinner parties together all the time. If they can bask in each other’s golden boy glow, why can’t we, as fans, bask in each other’s blue aura? Just because our teams wear different shades of blue doesn’t mean we don’t all bleed blue. We decided to find out once and for all what the deal was.

The results of our research were somewhat inconclusive. We seemed to have found either the most relaxed fans or the most sedated. We interviewed 3 different pools of individuals: Croxley’s Ale House, Social Media Outlets, and The Main Event. Apparently, none of these pools contained angry drunks. What we HAVE found that’s interested us is that across the board (with a few exceptions), both Mets and Yankees fans tend to be disenfranchised by the idea of the Subway Series. At Croxley’s, Larry, a Mets fan, used to love the Subway Series when it first started because it was fun and the teams were competitive. Now it just seems like the players are having a good time with it. John, another Mets fan felt that if it wasn’t a World Series game, then it’s just another game. One of our online Mets fans, Randy, like Larry, also used to be excited about the Subway Series. It used to be like “a mini-World Series.” “Nowadays, we [Mets fans] want to win the series, but we no longer live and die on every pitch.” At the Main Event, Maurice, a Yankees fan, agreed with Randy and Larry that it used to be more exciting, adding that ii would be more respectable if they cycled when the Mets and Yankees play each other (similar to how rare the New York Jets and New York Giants play each other during the regular season).

Naturally, our research would be a bit one-sided if we didn’t report on the other side of the coin. Larry’s friend, Frank (also a Mets fan…and should call Lisa, maybe. Seriously. Call Her Maybe.) truly looked forward to the Subway Series each year. He felt it was good for New York and its baseball fans, the results of the games offering the winning team’s fans a chance at bragging rights (all in good fun if course). Tom from Croxley’s, a Yankees fan, also looked forward to this year’s matchup, citing that the Mets were playing good baseball, making the series much more intriguing than in past years. John’s friend, TJ (Mets fan) was the first angry fan that we met at Croxley’s.  And we use the term “angry” loosely. It was a kind of yogic anger. He was excited about the Subway Series, not to watch the games, but because he was looking forward to going into work and busting on all of the Yankees fans at his job when their team lost (it is worth noting at this time that the Mets were swept during this most recent series. We’re not sure how his Monday went, but perhaps he’ll have an opportunity at retribution when the Subway Series travels to Flushing). When Serena asked if he’d tease his co-workers in jest, he replied in a way that was more hostile than anyone else we’d interviewed for this blog post, saying quite specifically, “no. I’d do it in a very mean way.” Yes. That really was the most hostile thing we heard. Adam, a Yankees fan, was also excited for the series this year, agreeing with Tom that the matchup looked to be promising. However, he seemed to be more excited “to attend the extravaganza” and the “plethora of activities that were to take place.” Then he mumbled something about gorgonzola cheese. His low speaking voice combined with Serena’s deafness led Serena to write the following in our notebook: “…activities that will be taking place…including some nonsense about gorgonzola.”This may or may not be the breakthrough that we’d been looking for and now we’ll never know. Ryan, a Yankees fan we tapped into via our social media portals, felt that the Subway Series was always more fun for the fans than the teams. “We [the fans] enjoy the games because of bragging rights, but it doesn’t really affect the standings enough to make the games important.”

Ryan’s statement brings us to our next question. If we [Mets and Yankees fans] can’t be friends, why do we hate each other so much? The outcomes of the game hardly affect the standings too much whereas playing a Division rival has a direct affect on the Division’s standings. Why do we hate each other so much and not say, Rays or Nationals fans? Strangely enough, in a sea of Mets and Yankees haters, we were hard up to find many haters. Many of our interviewees like the Hot Wing Arbitrator, who is a Yankees fan, claimed to not be a hater at all. In fact, when the Mets do not play the Yankees, he actually roots for the Mets. Both Larry and Frank have respect for the Yankees and their history. Like the Hot Wing Arbitrator, Tom has no hard feelings for the Mets either, claiming that he has a lot more respect for the team this season in particular because of what they’ve been able to do with their limited resources. Their performance thus far has “been good for baseball.” Kevin and Pasquale, Yankees fans we met at The Main Event, weren’t Mets haters at all. “They [the Mets] are a likeable group…David Wright, David Cone, Strawberry, Gooden…” When Serena pointed out that 3 of the 4 players mentioned were all old and retired, Kevin replied, “Yeah, well, we’re old, what do you want?” Both were very adamant about not liking Jose Reyes: “Reyes. Not a likeable guy.” They guessed that perhaps some of the Mets fans’ animosity for the Yankees stemmed from the team’s wealth. The Yankees spend a lot of money to a) retain their best players and b) go out and buy players rather than invest in “growing” their athletes. Not many other teams can afford to do this so they have no choice but to “grow” their players. Then Pasquale went on a random tangent about 50 Shades of Grey and this is where we felt we had lost them for good.

Despite a claimed affection for the opposing team, many of these guys all agreed on one thing: the fans could be terrible. The Hot Wing Arbitrator seemed to have run into problems with Mets fans’ projected bitterness toward him. According to him, he doesn’t go around telling fans that the Mets suck, so they shouldn’t get in his face. He felt that they should worry about their team and he’ll stick to worrying about his own team. We tried to push him for more of an explanation, asking why he felt these fans had so much “bitterness.” He couldn’t say for sure, but guessed that since the Mets fans and their organization weren’t used to winning in comparison to the Yankees, they feel the need to “bring down Yankees fans to their level.” Tom also couldn’t quite place the source of what he called Mets fans’ “disgruntled behavior,” but assumed that it easier for a Mets fan to be disgruntled toward the Yankees because of the Yankees’ higher payroll. Maurice claimed to hate the Mets only when they were good, not because he harbored any personal resentment toward the team, but because a winning season always ignited the rise of the band wagon fans and “they’re annoying. Where were they when their team sucked?” Larry was more lenient toward Yankees fans, stating that he was “cool with true Yankees fans.” He had zero respect for the fake fans who “don’t even know Mo’s [Mariano Rivera] jersey number.” This is pretty much along the same lines as Maurice’s complaint. This is a problem seen in every single sport these days. $10 says that there’s an influx of Kings fans that crop up in California in the upcoming weeks and months.

As we mentioned earlier, there were a few haters. TJ (who we should point out was wearing a Detroit Tigers hat) truly hated both the Yankees and their fans. He said that he watches the Yankees games, hoping that they’ll lose, complaining that both the team and their fans are just too arrogant for his taste. When prodded by Serena, he admitted that he’d only root for the Yankees if they played the Phillies and Braves because while he hates the Yankees, he “really hates the Phillies and Braves (particularly the era of Chipper Jones, Javy Lopez, Andruw Jones, John Rocker, Fred McGriff, Kevin Millwood, Greg Maddux, etc.).” TJ would also never attend a Yankees game at Yankees Stadium for, as Serena put it, “sh*ts and giggles.” According to TJ, he had only been to one Yankees game and the only reason he stayed for as long as he did was that the Orioles’ pitcher was throwing a no hitter. TJ’s friend, John is also a Yankees hater, stating, “They’ve been too good for too long and their obnoxious fans [this generation] have never experienced a losing season. They can’t appreciate winning. They just expect it.” John is a little less severe than TJ, admitting he’d go to a game at Yankees Stadium, not as a fan or a hater, but as a baseball spectator. It seems we just can’t find our male counterparts. Unfortunately, while both TJ and John gave us a little insight as to why some Mets fans hate the Yankees (and their fans), it wasn’t enough for us. We wanted to really get down to the root of the problem. Brian, a Yankees fan at The Main Event, claimed that “Mets fans were whiny.” When asked to specify, he replied that the Mets were “the little brother to the Yankees.” Both Randy and Bryan, a Mets fan we met at The Main Event, claimed that they grew up Mets fans, hating the Yankees. While Randy cited growing up in a household of Brooklyn Dodgers fans, Bryan simply stated, “When you’re a Mets fan, you hate the Yankees. When you’re a Yankees fan, you hate the Mets.” BUT WHY??? Neither being a Brooklyn Dodgers fan nor being a Mets fan really answers the deep question. What prompts you to hate the Yankees so much? Serena attempted to probe Bryan further. She asked what caused this burning hatred he felt so much. He couldn’t identify it. She tried another tactic. She asked what made him hate the Phillies so much. His face lit up as he energetically claimed that Philly “had a trashy personality and no respect.” Encouraged, Serena re-asked the original question: so what’s the source of the burning hatred for the Yankees? The question was met by the sound of crickets. Clearly, we were doing something wrong here.

Having been the victims of several Subway Series hate crimes, we had to ask our interviewees about the subject of fighting. Every single person had no desire to get into a legit fight over “something as stupid as a baseball game,” however most agreed that they could probably get coerced into engaging in a fight with a real a-hole…most likely a drunk one. TJ told us that he liked to keep to himself during the Subway Series. He wasn’t interested in “any trouble.” John added, “To poke fun is okay, but to get into a legit fight over a game that doesn’t matter in a span of 162 games is stupid.” Ryan also wasn’t into fighting, but did explain that if he did get into a fight over the Subway Series, it would not be because the guy was a Mets fan. It would be because he was acting like a “f*cktard.” Also, did we mention that Ryan has a Yankees tattoo? He’s really proud of it. Maurice was adamant about the Subway Series not being worth fighting over, however, he did admit that he’d totally go to blows with a New York Rangers fan if “he was drunk and the dude’s being a huge a-hole.” (For those that are unaware, this hostility is acceptable because the Rangers and Islanders are in the same Division and have a direct influence over each other’s placement in the standings). Adam, at first, insisted on no fighting, then added, “Only Boston or MetSox fans could cause me to fight…or if the fan looked like Chris [The Hot Wing Arbitrator]…or if someone stole my hot dog.” We’re not sure if someone ever stole his hot dog at some point in his life that it caused him enough emotional turmoil to mention it here, but it’s safe to say that if anyone stole even a morsel of food from either of us, there would be hell to pay. Serena carries a softball bat in her trunk and Lisa has mace and a rape whistle.

This leads into our next subject (no…not hot dogs. We know you’re surprised by that): MetSox and Phankees fans. We’d like to specify that none of our interviewees were classified as MetSox or Phankees fans. This next paragraph is just a special little love note to you Mets fans who claim to love the Red Sox and you Yankees fans who claim to love the Phillies. If you truly love the Red Sox and Phillies, you are stricken from all titles of fanhood. You’re a disgrace. We assure you that Red Sox and Phillies Nations do not extend you the same courtesy. They hate New York. For the most part, they want us to walk into a building together and have the roof collapse on top of us. There are always rare exceptions (like Serena’s token Phillies fan, Melissa, who we’re pretty sure just loves Serena), but this does not equate to an adoration of our city’s sworn enemies. Your love for Big Papi doesn’t translate into their love for David Wright. In most cases, they’d probably gladly throw David Wright off the Brooklyn Bridge. Same goes for Jimmy Rollins and Derek Jeter. There is no Brotherly Love for Jete. It’s quite conceivable that they’d try to suffocate Jeter with Philly cheese steak sauce. If only you blinded fans would join us and stand united as the city of New York, we could be great. We could be unbeatable. It would be like when the Allies powers defeated the Axis powers in both World Wars. Or when the X-Men briefly partnered with Magneto and his gang to defend the rights of mutants worldwide. We could be The Avengers. Or The Justice League. Don’t you want to be a part of that? We do.

In summation:

1. Band wagon fans suck from both teams. They should be expelled from the New York Metro Area. Fans should be forced to take a quiz before purchasing any memorabilia prior to the post season so that we can verify their fanhood.
2. We don’t hate the teams. We hate each other. This miserable marriage that we’ve found ourselves in is all YOUR fault. Stop acting like a-holes and maybe we can all learn to get along.
3. The Subway Series is getting played out like Call Me Maybe.
4. Since you’re completely capable of specifically describing to us why you hate your Division rivals (Red Sox, Braves, Phillies) and you’re totally INcapable of telling us why you hate your cross town rival, it’s become clear to us that you’re just wrong. We’re right. You’re not. It’s really that simple. Get on board the love train, people. We’re not saying you have to run out and get yourself a David Wright/Derek Jeter t-shirt, but we are telling you that it’s okay to high-five a Mets/Yankees fan for a job well done OR go so far as to ask that hot Mets/Yankees fan out on a date. Just don’t let that first date be at a Subway Series game because we don’t think you’re strong enough to handle that yet. It’s like putting a recovering alcoholic next to a bottle of Jameson. You’re not sure what’s going to happen, but you’re pretty confident that it’s not going to be pretty.
5. Stop being MetSox/Phankees fans. Join forces. Your city needs you.

The End. Stay tuned for a follow-up Subways Series posting when the Yankees take on the Mets at Citi Field June 22-24^th.

TBB: A-holes In Disguise. More Than Meets the Eye

Last week, we shared with you our drunken stupidness (and no one found it at all sad and pathetic…you actually enjoyed reading it) and asked if you would’ve take us to Taco Bell had you been with us that night. 3 of you kindly voted that you definitely would have taken us since you love late night Taco Bell runs. 1 a-hole (probably someone who hates us and doesn’t get our sarcastic humor) said that we sounded like a pack of a-holes. Well, okay then. We have nothing to reply to that. You’re just mean.

While working out, we overheard the YES Network playing some sort of program that was focusing a lot on the famous Derek Jeter catch in which he dove into the stands to catch a foul ball.

We joked about the woman who basically ended up with a lap full of Jeter. “Congratulations, lady. You got to third with Derek Jeter. High five.” This then led us to create more fake dialogue, which we’ve decided to share with you:
Lady: Was it good for you?
Derek: (standing disoriented and bloodied) Der…whaaat?
Lady: Cos’ it wasn’t for me. You were entirely too aggressive and I didn’t like it at all.

Briefly off subject, while searching for that photo of Derek Jeter, we found this:

See anything wrong here? A prize to the person who emails the correct answer first.

Reds closer, Ryan Madson received the surprising news that his season has ended before it even began. Madson will require Tommy John surgery on a torn elbow ligament. The surgery requires up to one year of recovery and rehab. Serena will obviously not be seeking to re-hire him this year for Tigers Love Pepper.

Red Sox reliever, Bobby Jenks was arrested early Friday morning for five misdemeanor charges, including a DUI. He issued a statement on Sunday, apologizing to his teammates and the Red Sox organization. We’d be pretty sorry too. 5 misdemeanors in one evening? Congratulations, sir. Probably spent a night in jail. Yup. That’s definitely something to be sorry about.

The big stories for us involve Chipper Jones and Andy Pettitte. We’d like to say that it involves TOWSNBN making his first spring training start, but alas, that is not so. He did manage to participate in his first live batting practice today, so that’s a plus. He could potentially make his spring training debut tomorrow, but we’re not going to get our hopes up. At this point, Lisa just wants to know who is pitching at Mets Opening Day so that she can decide whether or not she’s going to be walking into the ballpark with some level of hope.

Chipper Jones announced his plans to retire at the close of the 2012 season at a Thursday morning press conference. The press conference took place following sustaining an injury to his left knee while running in the outfield. The soon-to-be 40-year old slugger will begin the season on the DL for the torn meniscus in his knee, but is confident that he’ll be back in action for the Braves’ home opener at Turner Field on April 13^th. The fact that this will be the last season we’ll ever see Chipper Jones play against the Mets depresses us. Our first Mets game together was a Braves/Mets game at Shea Stadium. Adam LaRoche tossed Serena a ball during batting practice. Mike Jacobs took a picture with Lisa. Kris Benson waved to us on his way to the bullpen. Jeff Francouer still played for the Braves. Our last game at Shea Stadium together was a Braves/Mets game as well. Chipper Jones is the standard of everything we once hated about the Braves organization. Gone were the rest of the douchebags that once made the Braves competitors: Greg Maddux, Javy Lopez (who is the definition of beauty, but still a d*ck), Fred McGriff, Andruw Jones (who has so kindly graced Yankees Stadium with his presence), John Rocker, Marquis Grissom, Jermaine Dye, and David Justice. The last man standing on a team of hard-working “babies” is Chipper Jones. Who will we hate when he’s gone? What derisive chant are we going to start at Citi Field during a Braves game, if not the antagonistic and annoyingly repetitive, “Larry?” Because of this, we’ve decided that our Mets game for the season will have to be against the Braves. Granted, we’ll be visiting Turner Field this season, but that’s not the same. We need a little Met on Brave action. And we need to chant, “Larry” one last time before Chipper rides off into the sunset with his son, Shea.

The good news is that Andy Pettitte’s making a comeback (“don’t call it a comeback…mama said knock you out”), so that will hold off the depressed feeling of being old for a short while. Pettitte has signed a 1-year minor league deal with the Yankees and threw his first live batting practice session on Friday. He threw 35 warm up pitches, 26 more to actual batters, and two pitchouts. According to pitching coach, Larry Rothschild, the outing went “awesome.” There’s no word yet as to when he’ll start in his first spring training game or even when he could potentially join the Yankees during the regular season. Serena’s a bit over-excited about this. If he joins the Yankees as early as May, she’ll probably wet herself.

We spent our Saturday afternoon participating in the Workout for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital at the Lady of America Fitness Center. We were Team Transformers (as in “more than meets the eye”). Serena crunched, Lisa counted, and Roberta spun for an hour. By “spun,” we mean on a stationary bike, not in circles like a wack-a-doo. To celebrate our team name, we covered ourselves in fake Transformers tattoos. Serena briefly contemplated legitimately getting the Transformers logo tattooed on her body like an a-hole. Lisa encouraged this. In fact, she said that she’d get Mr. Met tattooed on her body if Serena followed through with this dumbass idea. This nonsense caused us to be late to the event.

Thankfully, Roberta was not late and she saved us a spot near her bike. Note the awesome Transformers water bottle that we were all sporting.

Serena rolled out her yoga mat and we assumed the position. Don’t we look intimidating?

At the end of the hour, Serena had completed 5,155 crunches. This might sound amazing to you, but when Serena participated in this event last (in 2010), she did 7,000 crunches. Old age has clearly slowed her down. How the mighty have fallen. No word on what Roberta accomplished. We obviously dropped the ball on that one. Sorry, guys.

Afterwards, we ate at IHOP and blew all the hard work that we did. As if that wasn’t enough, 2 hours later, we ate pizza.

Bringing it home with a little Seven Mary Three: “Our fake dialogue has become cumbersome.”

Facial Hair Around the League Strikes Back

After recounting our experiences with the worst (and best) things we’ve ever put into our mouths (at a ballpark) to date, we decided to ask you what you thought the worst thing we’ve put into our mouths (at a ballpark) was. 7 of you voted and the feedback appears to be split between two items: the Dodger Dog) and the $1 hot dog from Target Field. 4 of you voted for the $1 hot dog and 3 chose the Dodger Dog.

One year ago today, we brought to you our “Facial Hair Around the League” blog (you should know that we now have the Star Wars theme playing in the background as we type this, making this blog even more epic than usual). At first, we were concerned about how you’d feel about such an asstastic blog, considering it had very little to do with the actual sport of baseball and more to do with what we find attractive in the male species. However, you seemed to enjoy it very much. It was even featured on our Popular Posts blogroll for an extended period of time. That being said, we decided that we should bring you an updated edition of the aforementioned Facial Hair post as it’s quite clear that men have failed to take our advice seriously as there’s a repeat offender on our list. He’s a man who, no matter how often we beg, refuses to acquiesce to our request. More surprising is that there’s one man on this list who is typically the golden boy of 5:00 shadows. He apparently lost his goddamn mind this year.

Let’s start with the hot messes, shall we?

Jayson Werth. Is anyone really shocked that this a-hole is on our hairy sh*t list? He was featured on our original Facial Hair Around the League post AND we wrote him a personal letter asking him to do something about the horrendous decisions he makes when playing with razors. It appears as though moving to DC hasn’t helped things. What in god’s name is that? Lisa thinks she just saw a pigeon fly out of it. It’s disgusting. Just looking at it gives us lice. Lisa’s itchy.

Barry Zito. This is the most disappointing situation in the entire facial hair community. You might be asking yourselves why is this so disappointing? It’s just a moustache. No. It’s so much more than that. It’s the end of mankind as we know it. Forget 2012. Barry Zito’s moustache is going to kill us all. Once upon a time, Barry Zito could do no wrong with his facial hair (and pitching come to think of it. My, how things have changed). He sported everything from clean shaven (Lisa’s personal favorite), full beard, goatee, to varying degrees of the 5:00 shadow (Serena’s personal favorite) and he did it with impeccable grace. He was the poster child for how men should groom their faces. Then it all went terribly wrong at the start of the 2011 season when we noticed that he adopted a 1970’s porn-stache. Gentlemen, this is quite possibly one of the most offensive things you could possibly do to your face. What are you thinking when you decide to go with growing a black caterpillar beneath your nose? In Jayson Werth’s case, he just let himself go out of laziness. Or maybe when the full moon hits, he turns into a werewolf and eats people. Zito’s situation is so much worse because it was obviously pre-meditated as the rest of his face was clean shaven. He actually intended to look like Tom Selleck.  

Brian Wilson. We know that the beard is magical. We get it. We know that the hair and ridiculous bush on his face is all about exerting his independence. We get that he’s got “personality.” He’s not just a pretty face, ya know. We get that. Really. We do. However, at some point, you need to let that sh*t go. On the subject of 1970’s porn, Zito might have the stache, but Wilson is sporting the 1970’s porn bush. As in vagina. His actual hair is bad enough. Couple that with the porn bush and there’s not much else to say. Mr. Wilson, do you get laid? We have this theory that you’re hung like an elephant’s trunk, but jeez, guy. That’s only gonna get you so far and we can’t imagine a girl wanting to make out with you under those circumstances. Furthermore, how do you go down town with that crap on your face? Doesn’t it get in the way???

Will Rhymes. We’re not sure what’s happening here. Either this disaster was pre-planned (which is pathetic) or Rhymes is literally unable to grow a full beard. In those instances, gentlemen, please don’t bother growing the beard. Shave it. You look like a giant partial hairy a-hole when you’ve got bald patches and tufts of hair here and there. He looks like he couldn’t even commit to a moustache. He must have commitment problems because if you can’t even commit to growing a full beard, you can’t commit to one vagina. Plus, he must have body hair issues because why else is his neck so damn hairy whereas his face is like that of a baby’s bottom??? Friggin’ weird.

Now…onto the promising young chaps of the 2011 season

Brian McCann. If you’re going to go full beard, this is the way to do it. Aside from being a ginger, which is creepy, McCann has grown a mostly even beard and it’s well maintained. There are no stragglers, no wildlife emerging from the underbrush, no porn music, you can see his mouth clearly, and most importantly, last night’s meal didn’t get lodged there by mistake. If he could just not be a ginger, we’d be kosher with his look.

CJ Wilson. Good grief, this boy is smokin’ hot. Unfortunately, he’s crazy and sober, but that’s a whole other blog for a different day. This is how you do “extra” scruff without committing to an actual beard (or porn-stache). As you can see, Wilson is just at the precipice of sh*t getting out of hand. Another day or two and he’ll need to buzz it down so he doesn’t start looking like a beast. A beast with rabies. This is heaven. Maybe not so much for Lisa, but definitely for Serena. And despite the extra fur, even Lisa can admit to wanting to lick his face off. That’s how good Wilson looks. Men, take note. Meow. This kind of facial hair, when done well, could get you laid.

Justin Verlander. Ah. The “clean” version of the scruff. Like Wilson, Verlander is also sporting a 5:00 shadow of some sorts, only his is more on the conservative side. This is also sexy. With this look, Verlander exudes manly musk, tough and rough play, might pull your hair a little bit, masculinity, hotness, rip-his-clothes-off naughty yet, at the same time, remains controlled and hygienic. Like a true gentleman. Boys, invest in a buzzer as opposed to an actual razor. This way you can maintain a scruff without ever having to go clean shaven again.

Cole Hamels. Hamels is demonstrating how to do a “barely there” scruff. This is as close to Lisa’s clean shaven look as this particular blog post will permit. This is a look you want to go for if you don’t want to go clean shaven, but your woman doesn’t dig nuzzling up to fuzz. It’s what we call a compromise. You’ll still get laid and you get to keep some manly facial hair while your woman won’t bitch about your 5:00 shadow giving her a rash when she makes out with you. Serena doesn’t have much use for the clean shaven look, but even she admits that Hamels needs to be nibbled on, so you know that’s saying something. If you’re not sure what your girl likes, go with this until you find out more. It’s just like when you can’t figure out what color looks best on you, you go with the old reliable black shirt. It’s a no fail. Win-win.

Baseball notes:

According to a source, former Phillies’ closer Ryan Madson has signed a 1-year contract with the Reds that will pay him $6 million in 2012 with an $11 million option for 2013 that carries a $2.5 million buyout. The deal itself is on hold thanks mostly to Madson being on vacation and failing to schedule his physical. Farewell to the only Phillies player that Serena was willing to bang. Lisa’s Forbidden Love, on the other hand, is still with the Phillies’ organization.

Justin Verlander made an appearance on Conan O’Brien where the two men discussed Verlander’s pre-game rituals. Turns out, Serena and the Cy Young Award winner have more in common than we previously thought. Verlander said, “The night before, as you can tell by my amazing physique, I eat Taco Bell. Every night.” He even shared the specifics of his order: “Three crunchy taco supremes, no tomato, cheesy gordita crunch, and a Mexican pizza, no tomato.” We think Serena may have found her soul mate. Now all we have to do is get them to “serendipitously” meet. Perhaps at a Taco Bell. After carefully reviewing the video of this interview, it’s been decided that Justin Morneau has been demoted from Serena’s Future Husband to Serena’s Future Ex-Husband #3. Justin Verlander, on the other hand, shall now hold the title of Serena’s Future Husband.

Commissioner Bud Selig’s 2-year extension through the 2014 season was approved on Thursday night by MLB’s ownership. Not sure anyone really gives a crap, but there we have it.

Remember Johan Santana? Yeah, we kind of forgot he existed as well. The man’s been busy rehabbing in Florida from the surgery he had on his left shoulder. There’s a really long article on MLB.com that basically offered us no answers and included positive, negative, and uncertain feedback. Super helpful. The headline even leads us to wonder what the f is going on: “Mets See Rehabbing Left-Hander Johan Santana’s Tank as Half-Full.” Half-full? Really? The man’s been out for over a year now. He’s not even ¾ of a tank full yet? The Mets are hopeful for him to undergo a proper spring training and to be ready be for the start of the season, but we’ll see. Right now, it feels a little bit like Santana is the Missing Link. There are rumors he exists, but we haven’t seen any evidence of it yet. If the Mets are counting on him to be their savior this year, that is pretty scary.

Closing out this week with a little bit of classic MJ: “Shave it. Shave it. Jayson Werth, won’t you please shave it? Use a razor. It could be nice. It doesn’t matter if it’s disposable or not. Just shave it.”

ALDS 2011 Game 1

Last week, you had Lisa flying solo (unlike Han Solo who flies with Chewbacca) because Serena had to do her adult job by working at the Walk Now for Autism Speaks at Jones Beach. Since we know you’re all dying inside with curiosity, yes.  She did meet Darth Vader and yes. A photo of their blossoming relationship was taken. Photos from the engagement shoot were taken on the Death Star...which is way more interesting than an engagement shoot done at a baseball stadium. But that’s just two women’s opinion. Will post photos at a later date. Stay tuned. You’ll love them.

ANYHOO, time for poll results, which we suspect you cheated on because we got a sudden upsurge of response after certain teams were eliminated from playoff contention. Lisa asked who you thought would go to the World Series. 1 person voted for the Yankees (probably before the offense took a crap and failed miserably to do its job) and 1 person chose the Tigers. Again, did you choose this immediately following the Yankees’ offense taking a crap? You’re probably envisioning riding the Verlander ship all the way into the October Classic. We can’t say that we blame you. 2 people voted for the Phillies, which was to be expected. What wasn’t expected was that more people didn’t vote for the Phillies, which pretty much proves that you cheated as is the fact that 5 of you voted for the Brewers. C’mon. Seriously. If the Phillies had advanced, are you really going to sit there and tell us that you believed the Brewers were going to defeat them? Lies. Naturally, 3 of you voted for the a-hole choice and that was us. Us being the TBB. We know that we joke a lot that we can pitch better than certain team’s bullpens, but that doesn’t mean we should try. Rays, Rangers, Diamondbacks, and Cardinals all got a fat goose egg. Looks like we all experienced our own ballet here. A ballet of disappointment.

As you may recall, we were super excited to score tickets to Game 1 of the ALDS. Game 1 featured a matchup between CC Sabathia and Justin Verlander. Golden. This was going to be magic. Of course, it was too easy. As usual with Yankees games these days, we took the train to the game on the eve of September 30^th. We arrived with plenty of time to grab a bite to eat at the Southern BBQ stand on the main level. Both of us ordered a pulled pork sandwich. Remembering how much we enjoyed the stadium’s French fries, we decided to order a side of fries. Lisa ordered a small size like a lady and since Serena was hungry, loves fries, and apparently didn’t remember what the sizes looked like, over-eagerly ordered a large. Upon receiving the enormous cup of fries, Serena remembered why her stomach hurt so much the last time she ordered them. It’s just too much! And yes! Too many fries really is possible!!! Lisa’s order came to $16.50 and Serena’s was $18.50. Had we known what was to go down later in the evening, we would’ve second guessed these pricy decisions.

After we polished off everything (Serena insisted on finishing the fries because they were so expensive despite the fact that her stomach felt terrible), we hurried to our seats to catch the opening ceremony. First, the team lineups.

Next, the national anthem.

Finally, the ceremonial first pitch thrown by Mariano Rivera to Jorge Posada. This was weird to us. We see this all the time. Why were they chosen to do this? We expected an old-timer Yankee or a cancer kid. Maybe a member of the FDNY or NYPD?

At last, CC Sabathia took the mound and the game got underway. Sabathia was on like Donkey Kong. He struck out the first two batters before giving up a solo shot to Delmon Young.

In the bottom of the 1^st, Justin Verlander took the mound. Serena took like 5 stupid photos as if they’d come out awesome with our seats being a million miles away in a galaxy far, far away.

Derek Jeter led off the inning with a single. Verlander walked Curtis Granderson, but got Robinson Cano to ground out, advancing Jeter and Granderson to 2^nd and 3^rd. Alex Rodriguez registered the second out at first, but Jeter scored on the play. Sabathia would return to the mound amid a downpour.

As you can see, the rich folks were already acting like chicken sh*ts and running for cover.

He finished the inning, but following the third out, the umpires called for the tarp.

Of course, like we said earlier. Everything had been too damn easy. The TBB were in yet another rain delay. We’re starting to think a black cloud just follows us around. It was 9:10 pm.

While rich people with high-priced seats clamored into our section for protection (kudos for our usher who didn’t them into the section without correct tickets…how does it feel, rich a-holes who consistently deny us entry even when you don’t bother showing up to the game???), we were nice and dry.

Lisa surfed her BlackBerry and inspected her nails to pass the time while we waited. Keep in mind, Serena had to be at work the next day to set up for Sunday’s walk.

At 9:45 pm, the tarps came off the field. We think we might have high-fived in response.

In a matter of minutes (3 to be exact), the sky opened up again and the tarps came back on.

And boy, did the rain come down.

The game was finally called at 10:24 pm. It took us an hour to walk from our seats to the subway platform because the crowd was so dense and slow moving. We wished we had taken a picture of the scene in the subway station for you because the amount of people sandwiched between the station’s entrance and the turnstile definitely violated fire code.

Now we had a new dilemma. The game would resume the following night at 8:30 pm. Serena had to be at Jones Beach by 6:00 am for the Autism Speaks walk. Also, we were broke. There was no way we could afford to buy food at the game the following night. Of course. It had been way too easy.

Saturday, October 1^st. Since we could waste time dealing with a crowd and the subway station, we were forced to drive into Yankees Stadium for the first time in 2 years. In route, Lisa tried to snap a photo as we passed Citi Field.

Upon arriving at the parking garage, we remembered why we stopped driving to the stadium. Parking cost $45. Awesome. Nevertheless, we remained upbeat about the upcoming game. Since we arrived earlier than the subway ever would’ve gotten us there, we stopped into the Yankees Museum again. New additions included the 2009 World Series ring created by Tiffany’s…

…and the 2009 World Series trophy (displayed in the same case as the jersey worn by Derek Jeter when he hit his 3,000^th hit…cos’ that makes total sense being that they happened in the same year and all…WTF?)

As we stepped out of the museum, we got a good glimpse of the Hall of Legends (As you can see, despite the early time, a lot of people were already arriving):

Before heading to our seats for the second time in two nights, we decided to check out the team store on the main level for new stuff to play with. Lisa found these creeptastic dolls of Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and Mark Texeira. Can you guess which is which?

Finally, we headed for our seats to eat dinner. Who is ready for Game 1 Take 2?

Since we had no extra money (a situation the parking fee exacerbated), we were forced to do a recession dinner. Behold 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches each, 2 bags of Cheez-Its, and 2 bags of pretzel Goldfish.

The game literally resumed where it left off in the bottom of the 2^nd. No replay of the opening ceremonies or anything like that.

Doug Fister took the mound for the Tigers and Jorge Posada led things off with a single to right field. Despite the promising start, the inning closed with the score remaining 1-1. The Champagne Super Nova took the mound for the Yankees and we couldn’t help but feel bitter that we weren’t getting the pitching matchup we’d been promised. However, Serena enjoyed singing the Oasis song.

Nothing really happened until the 5^th when Robinson Cano hit a home run and then it was ruled a double. Score 2-1. We still don’t know exactly what happened because the jumbotron didn’t show the replay, but the fans in our section were quite displeased.

This is what initial joy looks like:

Eventual disappointment:

In the top of the 6^th, Lisa decided she couldn’t take the cold anymore and went for a hot chocolate run. She paid $4.50 for something that turned lukewarm by the time she returned to her seat. In the top of the 6^th, 2 runs score on a double hit by Brett Gardner. Both Jeter and Granderson got on base to load the bases for Robinson Cano. Lisa turned to Serena and said, “Grand salami.” Sure enough, Cano launched one over the wall, making the score 8-1.

No visit to Yankees Stadium would be complete without witnessing the 7^th inning YMCA. While the grounds crew did their thing, our section did this:

By the way, see that kid to the left in that terrible sweatshirt? He was super annoying. Allow us to tell you why. He chose to sit in front of Serena while his father sat in the row in the section to the left of us. Apparently, his father thought it was really funny that his son (who definitely needs to be put on Ritalin or something stronger) continued to hit Serena with his head (because he wasn’t paying attention to where his head was while head banging) and flailing arms (because that’s how he danced) and spent more time blocking our view of the game (because of his jumping, flailing arm dance moves) than actually sitting and enjoying the sport of baseball. Listen, good ole’ dad. We understand why you didn’t want to sit with your annoying son, but guess what? He’s your kid and your cross to bear, not ours. You’re stuck with him. Not to mention that he is entirely too young to be sitting at a sporting event surrounded by drunk and potentially violent men without a parental figure. At some point, Serena snapped and she couldn’t take it anymore.

She slouched low in her seat, put her feet on the back of the kid’s seat (which wasn’t his actual seat, remember?), and inched her knees forward so that on the rare occasions he sat down, he had her feet in his back and knees against his head. It was a small, yet satisfying victory.

In the bottom of the 8^th, it became clear that this was the Cano show. With Jeter on base, Cano hit another RBI double, making the score 9-1. In the bottom of the 9^th, things got a little scary, but the Yankees held on and the final score was 9-3. At the end of the game, we ran to the car to get on the road as quickly as possible since Serena had to be up in a few hours for work.

Since this post is a little late, by this time we’re all aware that the Yankees lost the series to the Tigers in Game 5. We’re not going to spend a huge chunk of time on discussing the Division Series, but it should be said that since the loss, fans and media having been screaming for the heads of Alex Rodriguez, Mark Texeira, and Nick Swisher. Folks, Rodriguez, Texeira, and Swisher aren’t the only men on that team that sucked hard at the plate. What about Jeter? God forbid we should say something bad about New York’s personal Jesus. He did absolutely nothing on offense all series. So why aren’t we screaming for his head? The only players that did anything consistently at the plate were Gardner and Cano. Therefore, Cano and Gardner should get cookies for their good work while the rest of the lineup should be given the same amount of sh*t as Rodriguez, Texeira, and Swisher are getting. Granted, Swisher hasn’t really produced effectively all season, so we can kind of understand people’s frustration with him, but Rodriguez and Tex? Really? When Rodriguez was healthy this season, he did his job as did Tex, so shut up and eat it. We’d rather have two players like them on our team that put effort into every single game they play in over a selfish player who doesn’t give a sh*t anymore. No one can say that they’ve ever seen Rodriguez and Tex not put forth effort on the field. They do. And you know what? So does Swisher, which is why he can be forgiven for his uselessness at the plate. If you’re going to hang someone for this loss, hang the entire team.

TBB World Series predictions: Tigers and Lisa’s taking the Cardinals while Serena’s going with the Brewers. Cardinals have momentum, but the Brewers have the 2 BB’s: Bratwurst and Braun. What, what, bitches!

Lastly, we’re closing crap out with a kick a$$ Taco Bell commercial featuring Brian Wilson…cos’ we’re black ops!!!