Saturday, December 3, 2011

The MLB Continues Not to Hire Us

Last week’s poll focused on the Red Sox’s pending decision regarding their new manager. At blogging time, the candidates had been narrowed down to Bobby Valentine and Gene Lamont. Naturally, because we’re jerk offs, we can’t just give you two normal options to choose from and as usual, you did not fail to deliver stupidity. This is why you continue to amuse us. Of the 8 votes, 4 of you wisely chose Serena. Obviously, she is a feisty, intelligent, and no BS kind of girl. She’d make an excellent manager. Unfortunately, she was not even considered for the position, which is a damn shame. Since she has little to no respect for the majority of the players on the Red Sox, she could’ve easily overhauled that lineup and revamped its attitude without adding any new players, saving the franchise a boat load of money! Quite simply, all she would’ve had to do was destroy whatever self-respect and ego these players had, make them feel less like men and more like pathetic and sniveling peons, and then slowly rebuild them into respectable, unselfish, and team-minded athletes. Following the mental renovation, the players would be put on a strict diet and workout regime. There’s no room for overweight and out of shape players on this team. The fried chicken and beer would have to be saved for the off season (hear that, Red Sox bullpen?). The men who crumbled under the pressure clearly do not belong on this redesigned team and would therefore be disposed of as she can’t afford dead weight in the clubhouse. Alas, this will not be so.

This signals the third time that Serena has been rejected for a position with the MLB. You may recall that prior to their financial ruin, Serena had reached out to the Mets offering to be a consultant for the team. She’s pretty confident that her being a Yankees fan had something to do with their lack of responsiveness, but it’s quite clear that they needed her assistance badly. Just look at the mess they got themselves into. She also later applied for a community events position with the Pittsburgh Pirates. She never heard back from them either. Still can’t figure out what went wrong with that one. As a package deal, we recommended our skill sets on several occasions to the MLB, including offering to serve on the panel of experts designated to choose the individuals to fill the open management positions following the 2010 season (including the Mets). We even suggested ourselves as the replacement Kansas City Royals’ mascot after an awkward hot dog incident left the original individual unemployed.

The next runner up in the poll with 3 votes is Buddy the Elf. This is a fine choice as we’re pretty sure that Buddy would pretty much run the Red Sox into the ground, leaving the AL East title wide open for the Yankees. J 1 person went the adult route and chose Bobby Valentine. Boo hiss. No one voted for Gene Lamont. Poor Gene. He’s like the fat kid last to be picked for Dodgeball. It’s okay, Gene. Have some cake.

On the subject of our poll, earlier this week, the Red Sox officially announced Bobby Valentine as their new manager. Awesome. So they’ve traded in a creepy, level 5-looking manager (albeit a good one) for a loud-mouthed, arrogant a-hole. Good times. Valentine’s new role includes a 2-year contract with options for the 2014 and 2015 seasons.

Late Thursday night, the Marlins reached a deal with closer Heath Bell for 3 years, pending a physical (as always). The contract is reportedly worth $27 million. So far, the Marlins have certainly flexed their off season muscles. New name, new stadium, and new tacky uniforms obviously require a new roster, right?

Mariano Rivera had surgery to remove polyps on his vocal cords yesterday at New York Presbyterian Hospital. He won’t be able to speak for a week, but he’ll be fully recovered in one month and the procedure should have zero effect on his pitching ability for the upcoming season.

There has been no update on the Jose Reyes front, though Mets GM Sandy Alderson claims that he plans on reopening talks with the a-hole short stop’s representation during the Winter Meetings, which begin on Monday in Dallas.

Joe Mauer has been busy preparing for the 2012 season after his 2011 season came to a close thanks to a bout of pneumonia. According to Mauer, he’s “healthy and happy.” That’s nice. And reassuring for Twins fans and potential fantasy baseball participants (ahem, Tigers Love Pepper). But what kind of non-elderly person contracts pneumonia?? This still bugs us! What’s next for Mauer? Yellow Fever? Small Pox? Dentures?

Last week, we announced our 2012 stadium tour schedule. While we haven’t been able to buy tickets yet, we’re pretty confident in which games we’d like to go to. In fact, we’ve been so bold as to book our airfare to Toronto thanks to a great deal we found on Black Friday. We’ll be in (Oh) Canada from July 26th-29th and plan on seeing the Jays play the Tigers either Friday night or Saturday afternoon. The goal is to visit Atlanta over Memorial Day weekend, but right now that’s still up in the air. We’ll be able to provide a more definite answer on that in January when Lisa gets her time off approved. Finally, we plan on driving down to DC on Friday, August 31st or Saturday, September 1st for a Nationals/Cardinals game. Exciting, exciting. Now we wait with bated breath for single-game tickets to go on sale.


  1. Yeah, I'd really like to say that my vote for Bobby V was an intelligent, adult choice, but let's be honest, this is me, right?

    Having Bobby Valentine as manager of those nasty Boston Boys has got to irk many of the New York faithful. Not that I am some kind of New Yorker hating a-hole, but it does bring a little bit of joy to my heart to know that should Boston win a championship with him at the helm, it will just have a little more meaning.

    Immature? maybe. Mean spirited. Oh definitely! Adult? No friggin' way.

    I do say this, there is a certain amount of guilt involved now, because I actually like you two, and think you're entertaining . . . so maybe I just wanna stick it to all the rest of the New York, and you two have turned into collateral damage.

    Sorry . . I really feel kinda dirty now, I better take a shower.

  2. We're pretty much used to being collateral damage, so feel free to continue piling it on!

  3. Dear TBB & Bs

    Okay, so lets talk a little baseball, and the Winter meetings. And specifically, the NL East. We already have the Phillies, who you have to at least expect to contend, though they have serious offensive issues. You have an Atlanta Braves team which could also make a serious run for the title. Now, the Miami Marlins are spending a ton of money on free agents. And while we all know that the best laid plans for free agent money can literally blow, I mean . . blow up . . . still, you have to look at them as an improved team, even if you do think Reyes is a douche.

    So that kinda leaves us with Washington and some other team . . . what's their name again, hummmm.

    I guess what I am asking is . . . Wat up wid dem Mut . . . erm . . . Mets?

    Seriously, this looks like bad things in the coming years for the Metropolitans, and while the evil part of me is kinda giggling inside, I do really come from a place that knows that nothing makes a baseball season better than a close rival that actually is decent to watch. Is there any hope? Are they so strapped that we can expect a few years of retreads and loss glory? Is it gonna be the Traveling Bad Baseball Babes in 2012? Please, Lisa, say it ain't so.


    A concerned Phillies Fan

  4. Oh Jim don't you worry your pretty little bad choice in baseball team head off. There will be lots of exciting baseball this year. I do agree that the Mets do not look like they are going to have their act together anytime soon and I am not expecting a ticker tape parade or anything, but one never knows what a team of Joe Schmos can do . I would love to see a good underdog story come out of the Mets . Is it likely? No. But stranger things have happened . I mean look at the Braves. They basically dismantled the whole team last year and made a pretty good run for it. I think the Braves have some unfinished business to take care of this year and in my opinion, the Braves might give that team of a-holes you choose to root for a run for their money . That's the beauty of baseball, Jimmy boy. On paper, you might have the most "Legendary" pitching staff but when it comes down to it, the team in red celebrating a world series this year was not the one that most people thought it would be. So I guess we will see . The one thing I agree with is that even though my Mets are starting to look like a pack of ass clowns, I can only hope that if they lose every single game, at least they make them good games and play quality baseball. That's all I ask :) - Lisa

  5. Oh, Lisa Lisa Lisa . . .

    Yeah, just wanted the hear the sound of that.

    You aren't hearing me moan over losing in the first round to the eventual World Series Champs, no more than you'll see me doing the guido fist pump over the similar exit of that other team in New York. Games are certainly won on the field, not on paper.

    But come on, what's the fun of the Winter Meetings if you can't prognostic-hate the other teams in the league, huh?

    I agree with you about Atlanta, and unless the Broad Street Boys in red come up with some infield help, you could just be right about them Brave doing that obnoxious tomahawk, instead of the more pleasing Toma-huauck up in the stretch run they did in 2011.

    But I see that Mets added a whole new bullpen with guys that seemed to cough up about 25 % of their save opportunities.

    Is it just me, or does the front office cross their fingers when they make statements like "They are all solid arms." ?


  6. Bells to my ears as you say my name Jim :)
    That's the PC term for we got crap and deal with it ! :)