Sunday, February 9, 2014

How to Survive the Baseball Offseason

It's February, so you know that the blog topic pool is looking pretty bleak. Any day now you're getting a facial hair blog post. Be prepared. We decided to share with you a few ideas that have helped us cope with the lack of baseball and/or overall lack of baseball our home region. Including local beer leagues. Have you ever seen a local men's softball/baseball game? These men are usually stupid, fat, hairy, and clothed in sweatpants. Dirty sweatpants with elastic around the ankles. Let's be serious. These men are hardly considered athletes. They're not even has-been's because you would've had to have been something important in order to be considered a has-been. to survive the baseball offseason if you're not a legit baseball player. Cos' if you're a legit baseball player seeking advice from the two a-holes that write this blog, you've got some serious problems. You should be in the gym preparing for the upcoming season. And possibly medicated.

1. Take a roadtrip to the Baseball Hall of Fame. It's like having the baseball season...only better. It's an entire building filled with legitimate athletes that actually gave two sh*ts about the sport. Unfortunately, you might leave the place feeling bitter. You know. Cos' players now only care about money and dating models.
2. Hold a movie marathon! An entire day filled with your favorite movies about baseball and baseball game-themed food. It's virtually impossible to f*ck this up. Unless you have no friends. But even then, it's hard to f*ck this up. 90% of baseball movies are pretty amazing. And so are hot dogs. One package of hot dogs is probably cheaper than buying a hot dog at the stadium.
3. Watch "classic" games on your local sports' network. Relive the finer moments from your franchise's history. You know...back when players weren't on steroids? Plus, the games your franchise has decided to label a "classic" are usually the games in which your team wins. Guaranteed happy ending.
4. Watch a biography on an old timer. You'll probably learn something about the sport that you never knew before and trust us when we say that history can be cool. We would've recommended reading a biography, but we're not sure that your reading level is higher than Dr. Suess.
5. Play baseball video games. Whatever it is you nerds play on your Sega Genesis or whatever system you crazy kids are on now. Nintendo 64? Does that sound right?
6. Go down to your local baseball field or batting cage. Imagine you are your baseball hero. Imitate their batting stance, their swing, the manner in which they patrol the field...unless your hero is David Ortiz, in which case, just go eat a cheeseburger because he can't bend over to pick up a ground ball, much less patrol a field. Really embody that player.
7. Follow @mattharvey33 on Instagram as he takes random, EPIC trips around the world. Think about how amazing it is that he's able to spend time in these far away lands. Then curse the fact that he brought his skinny b*tch girlfriend along with him for the ride.
8. Read the Traveling Baseball Babes. Tell everyone about it. Make it your own personal goal to pass it on to 10 of your friends. Get them hooked on it like crack cocaine. Unfortunately, we won't be writing about baseball for very long. We're running out of steam. We're tired and Opening Day seems so far away  right now.
9. Learn to crochet. Crochet a hat in your team's colors. Wear said hat to Opening Day...even if it's 90 degrees outside.
10. Build a field in your backyard. Rumor has it that if you build it, they will come.


  1. Guaranteed happy ending...that's what she said! boop.

    favorite baseball movie not named Bull Durham?

    The Natural is my favorite baseball movie..also like Eight Men Out.

  2. Holy, it's like you girls are inside my head sometimes!
    1-Been to the HOF, another place I recommend is the Louisville Slugger Factory & Museum. Very cool place and some fun interactive stuff for me, er, the kids I mean...
    2-Absolutely! Baseball makes for the best movies, too. I have plenty for the kids to watch, and all of my favorites, too. Am I the only one who can stomach Major League: Back to the Minors??
    3-I don't have a classic sports channel, but I do have a DVD of Mark 'The Bird' Fidrych dominating Monday Night Baseball I can watch over and over...
    4-I just ready a biography of Hank Greenburg that was very good, and an autobiography of Ryne Sandburg.
    5-I'll kick your asses in Home Run Derby mode...
    6-My town does not have such a place. Unless we're hitting snow balls, we're screwed.
    7-Why would I follow anyone other than you girls??
    8-Every day. Even when I'm sick.
    9-My daughter is amazing at this stuff. The three of you would get along well.
    10-Again, snow, snow and more snow. If I get my transfer to SC, maybe this will change!
    Take care, girls.

  3. I hear @mattharvey33 is a free agent off the baseball field...I guess your curse worked!

    Dave Kingman made an appearance at the batting cage I would go to with my Dad and brother out on LI when I was a Little Leaguer...he couldn't hit those pitches either. lol..said the bats were too light for him.