Sunday, April 22, 2018

The Random Baseball Sh*t That We Think About

1. We've said this before and we'll say it again. Why don't baseball teams release enough free giveaways to cover all of the game's attendants? Why do we have to get to the ballpark three hours in advance in order in order to stand online and potentially not receive a fancy bobblehead? It's bullshit. We pay a lot of money for our tickets and parking. We deserve bobbleheads!

2. On the way home from Yankees' Opening Day, one of our Twatter followers messaged us asking why fans had booed Giancarlo Stanton. If you are a Yankees' fan and/or read last week's blog post, you'd know that he struck out five times. In one game. Yes, it's only April. Yes, Stanton is new to the American League, region of country, and team. Yes, he has plenty of time to pull his shit together. However, most players do not even get five at bats, much less the opportunity to strike out five times, which is apparently called the Plantinum Sombrero. Also, according to Wikipedia:

"In slang, when a batter strikes out three times in a game, he is said to have completed a hat trick. If he strikes out four times, it is called a golden sombrero. He receives a platinum sombrero if he strikes out five times, and this dishonor is also known as the Olympic Rings."

The man deserves to be booed. Not forever. Just for striking out. Five times in one game. It's uncomfortable for everyone who has to witness that. And embarrassing. Although not as embarrassing as a Titanium Sombrero, the Diamond Sombrero, or the Plutonium Sombrero, which we discovered today.

3.  Joe Kelly. A minor argument between baseball babes broke out regarding our personal assessment of Joe Kelly. Lisa thinks he's possibly a guido fist pumper, but we can't tell if he wears pointy shoes. Serena thinks he's possibly a hipster from Park Slope.

Evidence: long hair, trendy eye glasses, unbuttoned shirt, tapered pants, and can't actually fight. Possible pointy shoes, but we cannot confirm or deny this last fact.

So, what do you think? Hipster or fist pumper? Furthermore, since when do the Red Sox hire anyone other than grizzled lumber jack/white trash? The Red Sox have really let themselves go.

Also, if you're a pitcher, you shouldn't pick a fight unless you fight like Nolan Ryan.

4. When the benches clear in a brawl, why does the bullpen also empty out? Everyone knows that the guys in the bullpen are the biggest pansies in the ballpark. Also, the distance from the bullpen to the region of the field where the fight is taking place is quite far. Running that distance is bound to tire you out, which means that by the time you reach the fight, you're too tired to defend yourself. If we were relief pitchers, we'd spend the entire fight sitting and shouting insults at the opposing team from the bullpen. Possibly throw shit onto the field.  And boo. Like Waldorf and Statler.

5. Mickey Callaway is kind of hot for an older man. We just discovered that he's only 42 years old, which makes us beg the question, "how did he get this job?!" Why didn't they hire us? Lisa would like to launch the idea of an 120-man roster. Mainly because she'd bench a pitcher every single time he gave up a hit or a player for making an error. She's going to need a lot of back up players with that management philosophy and 40 men are simply not enough men.


  1. I can understand the bullpens wanting to come fight. But why do they run all the way to the infield? Why don't they just stop and fight each other in the outfield grass? The two bullpens instead run next to each other for 300 feet, then start fighting? Odd.

    Oh, and Joe Kelly is a god.

    1. Because pitchers are wimps. They want to feel included, but don't actually want to get hit. So, they make the play at running to the fight, but take their sweet time.

      Also,Joe Kelly is a hipster. Stop your nonsense.

  2. How come the 2 bullpens just don't meet in the outfield instead of running to the mound?

    Joe Kelly took a selfie with Derek Jeter
    ...his wife seems pretty cool!

    1. Serena is the only Yankees' fan not to love Jeter. Lisa, on the other hand, thinks he "seems like a nice guy."

      A nice guy who takes selfies with hipsters? Please.