Alex Rodriguez.
Since 60 Minutes already has a special on this, we're going out on a limb here and guessing that you've all heard that he is suspended for the entire 2014 season. Unless you live under a rock. In that case, hey, guess what?! Alex Rodriguez will be serving a suspension for the 2014 season!
Here are the rules of this conversation:
1. We're going to state our clear opinion on this subject and you can choose to disagree or agree. It's a free country. Or so we're told.
2. Once we publish this, we will never cover it on this blog again. In 2015, if Alex stages a comeback, we're not going to relive this conversation again, so don't bring it up. In 2015, if Alex retires, we're not going to relive this conversation. Reference the previous sentence for more information. In 2050, if Alex dies and the discussion as to whether or not he should be eligible for the Hall of Fame comes up, we're not going to relive this conversation. Continue referencing the earlier sentence for more information. If Alex chooses to continue to fight this and actually clears his name, we're not going to relive this conversation again. Get the point?
Feel free to print a copy of these rules out and carry them around with you for reference (like we're doing with our New Year's resolutions).
We should preface this official statement as released by the Traveling Baseball Babes by saying that Alex Rodriguez probably deserves to be penalized in some way. We are in no way, shape, or form saying that he's innocent. We aren't going to sit here and claim to know what the actual story is anyway. It all seems a bit shady on both sides.
That being said, the MLB used Alex as a scapegoat. Hands down. When athletes are busted for using steroids, they should be punished, however this has been an ongoing circus for entirely too long. Steroids has been a public problem since the Roger Clemens/Barry Bonds malarkey. Let's face it, those men are basically the start of everything that's wrong with the game today and they borderline got away with murder. The MLB still feels bitter about the results of their cases and now they see this as an opportunity to right their ship with an a dumb ass jock that's easily manipulated and cares WAY too much about what WE think of him. They're making an example out of the weakest link. It's just not fair. The MLB is trying to "flex their muscles" and demonstrate their power, but really they've just come off as a bully.
The problem here isn't Alex Rodriguez. When all is said and done, what did any of this accomplish? Nothing. Players are still doing steroids. They're going to continue to do steroids. Why is the MLB focusing on Alex Rodriguez? What are they doing to stop these shenanigans? Obviously, their preventative measures aren't efficient enough if Ryan Braun tested positive not once, but twice and was only punished once thanks to a loophole during the first incident. Last season's mass of suspensions makes it glaringly obvious that the MLB doesn't have an effective means of monitoring the situation and exacting punishment. It's embarrassing. If players felt that the punishment was not worth the crime, they wouldn't commit the crime. If players felt like they'd be caught, they wouldn't commit the crime. Players feel like they can get away with it OR slip under the radar unseen. That's why they continue to take the risk of doing steroids.
Jason Giambi ended his career with Oakland, clean shaven. Thank goodness for that. Unfortunately, prior to his reconciliation with his razor, Jason sported a Magnum PI mustache while playing with the Yankees. No one….let us repeat. No one should ever grow a mustache of that caliber ever, ever, ever again unless dressing as Magnum PI for Halloween. The only things this type of mustache accomplishes is creating a party favor when you breathe and guaranteeing that you look like a level 5. Who wants a level 5?
While we commend Kevin Youkilis for at least manicuring his monstrosity, it still is a monstrosity. This look prompts images of Paul Bunyan. The combination of the monstrosity, Mr. Clean hairstyle, and pole up the rear batting stance hangs you out to dry on the clothing line of romantic failure. If he’s married, it’s only for his money and we do not feel one ounce of pity for that woman. Furthermore, she should see to it that he receives a brand new Norelco for his birthday. We’re just saying. Throw a man a bone. He can’t do any worse. Oh, wait. He can. He could have Randy Johnson’s hair.
Last, but not least, the disconcerting concept of the facial Brazilian. We have two prime examples depicting this horrific development in grooming. First up, Eric Chavez, who at least managed to keep his landing strip maintained. While often injured, Chavez has proven to be the human vacuum cleaner in the hot corner, but that kind of talent does not excuse this billy goat impression:
Our second example of the facial Brazilian is none other than Jayson Werth, who has neglected to tame his chin music. What is this caterpillar looking creature crawling along his chin? Mrs. Werth is an attractive lady. No one can tell us that she likes this furry thing nuzzling up in her grill. Why is she allowing this to continue? It must be stopped, gentlemen! The Chin Brazilian cannot be allowed to become a fashionable trend! Stop the madness.
What is strange about Werth is that in the past, he has proven to do facial hair the right way. As you can see in the picture below, he has potential. Not too shabby. Scruff, combined with a slight hint of a future beard, is manly and attractive. This clearly states that you’re serious about your performance on the field as well as in bed.
Johan Santana shows that it’s okay to have a goatee. Just maintain that crap. Look at how polished and trim he looks. His clean cut beard reflects his professionalism, which immediately translates to his performance on the mound. We realize that Randy Johnson is also an amazing pitcher with horrendous hair, but men, please. Johnson is a clear exception to the rule. Follow Johan, not Johnson.
Barry Zito is a man who knows facial hair. Granted, clean shaven, he is still a beautiful specimen. He also has slight difficulties lately finding his mound mojo. However, one thing remains constant in Zito’s career and this is his ability to cultivate some sexy, sexy facial hair. While he’s ranged from 5:00 shadow to full beard (and performed exceedly well in all categories), we’ve chosen the photo below to show men just how damn yummy scruffiness can be. This is the kind of stubble that begs to be rubbed up against. As you can see, he is on the path to Beard Town, but this is perfectly acceptable since he clearly has the facial structure to support a well-groomed beard. Hmmm, let us rejoice.
This photo of Huston Street needs no explanation. It belongs in an art gallery.
Finally, if you’re ever in doubt as to what type of facial hair suits you best and you have no one to turn to for guidance, simply follow Ryan Church’s example and go clean shaven (except for you, Zito. You need to grow that sh*t back, Boy STAT).
Baseball notes: The Rangers have agreed to terms with Vladimir Guerrero on a 1 year deal with a mutual option for a second year. He’s guaranteed $6 million in the deal. It includes $5 million, plus performance incentives in 2010 and a $1 million buyout if the Rangers don’t pick up the option. Mark McGwire actually admitted to using steroids in 1998 when he broke the home run record. Thanks, Mark. We didn’t already know this. McGwire denied that he needed the Performance Enhancement Drugs to hit the long ball. He said that he “truly” believed that he could’ve broken the home run record without the PED’s, claiming that the only reason he took steroids was for “health purposes.” Yeah, and we buy lots of designer shoes for health purposes also. The Cubs have announced that they’ve signed Greg Maddux as an assistant general manager to Jim Hendry. Maddux’s long history with the MLB and knowledge of the sport should prove to be an asset for the franchise…even if he is a jerk. Carlos Beltran is an…a-hole. Have a nice day.
