This is a Limited Time Offer. Read it While it's Hot.

As most of you have probably heard, the 2014 Hall of Fame inductees were announced this week. Tom Glavine, Greg Maddux, and Frank Thomas. Honestly, this couldn't have happened to a better group of guys. Sure, Maddux was a total dick, but the man knew how to play the game. All three of these guys played the game right and all three of these guys look A-dorable in their advanced age visiting the tourist attractions of New York.

On to the topic of conversation that we're assuming you were going to harass us about anyway even if we chose not to discuss it. We figured that we'd just get this out of the way.

Alex Rodriguez.

Since 60 Minutes already has a special on this, we're going out on a limb here and guessing that you've all heard that he is suspended for the entire 2014 season. Unless you live under a rock. In that case, hey, guess what?! Alex Rodriguez will be serving a suspension for the 2014 season!

Here are the rules of this conversation:
1. We're going to state our clear opinion on this subject and you can choose to disagree or agree. It's a free country. Or so we're told.
2. Once we publish this, we will never cover it on this blog again. In 2015, if Alex stages a comeback, we're not going to relive this conversation again, so don't bring it up. In 2015, if Alex retires, we're not going to relive this conversation. Reference the previous sentence for more information. In 2050, if Alex dies and the discussion as to whether or not he should be eligible for the Hall of Fame comes up, we're not going to relive this conversation. Continue referencing the earlier sentence for more information. If Alex chooses to continue to fight this and actually clears his name, we're not going to relive this conversation again. Get the point?

Feel free to print a copy of these rules out and carry them around with you for reference (like we're doing with our New Year's resolutions).

We should preface this official statement as released by the Traveling Baseball Babes by saying that Alex Rodriguez probably deserves to be penalized in some way. We are in no way, shape, or form saying that he's innocent. We aren't going to sit here and claim to know what the actual story is anyway. It all seems a bit shady on both sides.

That being said, the MLB used Alex as a scapegoat. Hands down. When athletes are busted for using steroids, they should be punished, however this has been an ongoing circus for entirely too long. Steroids has been a public problem since the Roger Clemens/Barry Bonds malarkey. Let's face it, those men are basically the start of everything that's wrong with the game today and they borderline got away with murder. The MLB still feels bitter about the results of their cases and now they see this as an opportunity to right their ship with an a dumb ass jock that's easily manipulated and cares WAY too much about what WE think of him. They're making an example out of the weakest link. It's just not fair. The MLB is trying to "flex their muscles" and demonstrate their power, but really they've just come off as a bully.

The problem here isn't Alex Rodriguez. When all is said and done, what did any of this accomplish? Nothing. Players are still doing steroids. They're going to continue to do steroids. Why is the MLB focusing on Alex Rodriguez? What are they doing to stop these shenanigans? Obviously, their preventative measures aren't efficient enough if Ryan Braun tested positive not once, but twice and was only punished once thanks to a loophole during the first incident. Last season's mass of suspensions makes it glaringly obvious that the MLB doesn't have an effective means of monitoring the situation and exacting punishment. It's embarrassing. If players felt that the punishment was not worth the crime, they wouldn't commit the crime. If players felt like they'd be caught, they wouldn't commit the crime. Players feel like they can get away with it OR slip under the radar unseen. That's why they continue to take the risk of doing steroids.

Dear Murphy – Part 2

Last week on the Traveling Baseball Babes, you met some of MLB’s hottest wives and their ugly counterparts. We asked which ugly man had the hottest bitch. Of 4 votes (apparently this post didn’t appeal to you so much), 2 of you felt that Brett Tomko’s former Playmate was the hottest. Honestly, we feel that you probably Googled her and got the same message we did: “These images contain graphic content that may explode your hard drive and include naked pictures of women with donkeys.” WE didn’t proceed with checking those images out because while we’re curious, we fear for the safety of Serena’s internet machine and let’s face it, if we’re going to risk hard drive safety, we’re going to do for David Beckham or some male equally as hot, if not hotter (if there is such a creature). 1 person chose Russell Martin’s bitch and 1 person chose Brad Penny’s menagerie of bitches. No one chose Johnny Damon’s.  

Before we continue with the rest of today’s post, we’d like to announce a new feature to our blog. As you know, we currently have a spot for the TBB Super Hero of the Week. Going forward, we’ve decided to add another spotlight: TBB A-hole of the Week. This week’s a-hole is none other than the King of A-holes, Roger Clemens. On the flip side, our Super Hero of the Week is Jim Thome for smashing his 13^th career walk off home run in the Phillies’ 7-6 victory over the Rays yesterday. The 13 walk off home runs are a major league best…in history.

We know we promised you a follow-up Subway Series post this week, but we are unable to deliver on this promise. It’ll have to wait until next week. For starters, we had a really busy week (helloooooo, Fred K’s Cancer was on Saturday!) and second of all…we kind of forgot…until last night. Because we forgot, we never set up a date with our Subway Series rival fans. We’ll make it up to you, we promise. Until then, we have something better for you. A post about a moustache.  Has anyone seen Daniel Murphy yet? He has grown an offensive moustache. It’s truly terrible. It’s worse than Barry Zito’s porn-stache, which is pretty hard to top. Observe:

It’s become quite clear that Murphy needs our help, so we decided to write him a letter. He needs friends like us to tell him the truth because the Mets’ clubhouse is apparently made up of liars.

Dear Murphy,

How are you? It’s been awhile. We’ve missed you. St. Patrick’s Day was not the same without you. We had an awesome time. You would’ve enjoyed the Guinness hats we stole. You probably could’ve driven us to Taco Bell that night instead of making us go to bed hungry and in utter disarray. But we understand. You had spring training. We get it.

Since we’re such BFF’s, we feel that we can tell each other everything. We’re basically in the Share Circle 24/7. Like that time that Lisa had spinach in her teeth? And you told her? Before she took that picture? That was super awesome of you. And then that time you told Serena that her ass was getting bigger and that she shouldn’t wear yoga pants anymore? That was really enlightening as well. It is in this aspect that we’re writing this letter. Since our friendship is based on honesty, we feel that it’s necessary we tell you this. We would’ve done it in person, but you’ve been a no-show every Monday night at Croxley’s for the last few months. It might have something to do with the fact that your team is usually playing around the time we’re there, but once in awhile, Murph, c’mon. Show face. It’s us. Your besties. Do us a solid.

Back to the situation at hand. It’s come to our attention via the MLB FanCave that you are sporting a caterpillar on your upper lip. By this point, being friends with us should’ve educated you on what proper and acceptable facial hair looks like and that moustache, good sir, is NOT what proper and acceptable facial hair looks like. You look like a Peeping Tom. Or a child with a fake moustache on. Take your pick as to which simile you prefer. Since our friendship began, we’ve written a total of 4 posts regarding attractive manscaping: Exhibit A, Exhibit B, Exhibit C, and Exhibit D. It’s sh*t like this that makes us think you don’t read our blog. That’s hurtful. We watch YOU play. We even supported you at the team shop at Citi Field when they put your St. Patrick’s Day merchandise on the clearance rack…in August. We insisted that they pull those red tags off and charge fans full price. Because that’s what friends are for. Yet you can’t take two minutes out your busy day to read our blog once a week? If you had, you would have realized that what you’ve grown is an abomination against mankind.

We’ll forgive you if you meet us at Croxley’s for beer and wings with that crap shaved off your face. If you show up with that creep-stache, we’re going to punch you in the balls and then dump our beers over your head, which you’ll have to pay for because you’ve upset us.

We understand that you may have grown attached to this feather boa that lays nestled beneath your nose and therefore, you may not be so willing to part with it. Allow us to ease your concern. For starters, in exchange for your shave, you’ll get to hang out with us. Why is this a consolation prize? We’re funny, have big boobs, we’re very, very funny, we’re the cherry of awesomeness on top of your awesome sundae, we have boobs (which are fun in any size so we’re told), and we’re going to be running in a zombie apocalypse 5K in October. Secondly, when your lips are feeling naked and exposed, you can always draw a moustache on your finger and hold it up to your lips. This is especially flexible because it’s temporary AND you can sport different styles of moustaches to suit your mood. It’s totally versatile. Finally, if inking your finger doesn’t appeal to you, there’s always the beer bottle moustache. As you can see, the beer bottle moustache allows you the comfort of having the moustache without the trouble of needing to shave it off. Plus, it’s f*cking hilarious. In a good way. Your current moustache is hilarious in a bad way. In a way that makes us point and laugh at you. We’re not trying to be mean here, Murph. We’re just trying to be honest. We’re just looking out for you like you’d look out for us. You’re never going to get laid with that look and as your wing women, it’s our duty to get you laid.

Please don’t throw in our faces that we like to wear moustaches as a defense for that bullsh*t that rests beneath your nose. We do not have real moustaches and the moustaches we pretend to rock are just funny. See the previous paragraph regarding the difference between funny and not funny moustaches.

You’re so lucky to have friends like us. Love you. Miss you. Kiss noise. See you at Croxley’s.

Sincerely,

Besties for Life, the Traveling Baseball Babes

PS-first round at Croxley’s is on you…you make more money than we do

PPS-Lisa wants to know if you’re coming out for her birthday. You still haven’t RSVP-ed. It’s bad enough that you missed Serena’s birthday in Atlantic City. Serena had to smoke your cigar and we had to cancel your spa appointment last minute and because it was so last minute, our credit card got charged. Please do make every effort to attend Lisa’s soiree. It’s the least you can do. Oh, and don’t you dare show up with that dirt smudge on your face.

PPPS-Barry Zito called. He wants his moustache back.

Phillies @ Mets 8-14-10

We think that today’s poll results might be something of a record. 10 people voted unanimously for “Yes, we enjoy Tim Lincecum Day because he is amazing and should be appreciated. Plus, you post some of the most ridiculous pictures we’ve ever seen.” To the best of our knowledge, we cannot recall any other vote where the response has been unanimous. We’re so proud of you for picking the correct answer. Our little chicks are sprouting their wings!

We arrived at Citi Field for tailgating at 4:00 for a 7:10 game start time. Lisa was given a portable grill by Nicole for her birthday and we fired that mo-fo right up. While our bubba burgers were cooking, we charted a game plan for interviewing some fans.

We knew we wanted at least one Mets fan and one Phillies fan. The question was which fans. Just a few spots over, an army of Phillies fans dominated a massive tent and grilling station. Immediately, we ruled that group out. Safety in numbers, we always say and we were definitely outnumbered in that situation. We wanted to survive our interviews to at least receive our free green hats. This was a predicament. To help us think, Serena opened a bottle of wine. Serena gets some of her best ideas while either drunk or in the shower…or both. Since there was no shower in the parking lot of Citi Field, we went with “drunk.”

We sipped Pindar from kick-ass green plastic margarita glasses and contemplated deep thoughts.

Our tailgating buffet consisted of hot dogs, burgers, buns, Tostitos, salsa (which tasted awesome on our burgers by the way), sauerkraut, onions in red sauce, and peanuts. Brain food obviously.

Our smoking hot barbecue skills attracted the attention of an idiot Red Sox fan…who happened to be hanging out with a few Phillies fans (and one lone Mets fan). He continued to pester us for our fifth hot dog (that we had planned on splitting). Serena (remember, she’s drinking, which means good ideas ferment) decided to give one of the Phillies fans a hot dog in exchange for an interview. Armed with Alan’s flipcam and our pre-planned questions, we walked over to the feisty group drinking some beers. Dominick the Phillies fan offered to be our first interviewee. One of his buddies loaned him a hat so that he properly displayed team pride.

Before we show you the video of his interview, we’d like to point out that since we’re not media experts in possession of highly advanced audio technology, the sound is not perfect. To counter this, we’ve listed the 5 questions we asked our accommodating interviewees for your convenience:
*(To a Phillies fan) What’s your favorite thing about the Mets? (To a Mets fan) What’s your favorite thing about the Phillies?
*Does Jayson Werth’s beard have magical powers?
*If you were David Wright (we didn’t refer to him as TOWSNBN because we’re pretty sure they wouldn’t have had any idea as to what we were talking about), would you marry Lisa?
*If you were a professional baseball player, what song would play as you came to the plate? Sing it…
*Would you share food (or beverage) from your tailgating party with us? If so, what?

Depending on the situation, we didn’t ask select questions, as you will see in the footage, but these are the questions that were essentially asked.

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Dominick. Note how Serena subtly got footage of the moron Red Sox fan at a Mets/Phillies game. We’re not going to comment further. Dominick kindly declined our offer of a hot dog, but his Red Sox fan friend hungrily accepted it. As we parted ways with our first friendly Phillies gang and successful interview, the Red Sox fan shouted after us, “This hot dog sucks!” Well, sir, YOU suck! But your friends don’t. They were awesome.

The next person we spoke to was Orlando, a Mets fan. He was a bit shy at first, but after a little coaxing, we got him to agree to be on camera.

Having completed our goal of interviewing 2 fans of the opposing teams, we agreed that it was time to get our free giveaways.

Once inside, the wine must’ve provided liquid courage because we decided to interview women. Our blog is written by female sport enthusiasts, so why would we ignore those same fans in our interviews? Then we narrowed our scope further. Female fans weren’t enough. We wanted female Phillies and Mets fans socializing together and living in harmony like we do as Mets and Yankees fans. We were lucky enough to find Laura and Kelly. As you can see, these ladies were everything we could’ve hoped for. This is sheer brilliance, folks.

We headed for the Kid Zone next. On the way, we saw the Verizon Wireless store again. We noticed that they changed the David Wright wall photo to one of KROD. Oh, yeah. We weren’t passing up that shit. Plus, we scored free t-shirts. Bonus!

In the Kid Zone, we watched Mets fans take turns trying to dunk a Phillies fan. We’re starting to suspect these fans from the opposing team are just employees paid to dress the part. They’re never that passionate about heckling the Mets fans. Lame.

Mr. Met was due to arrive to his Meet n’ Greet in just a few minutes, so we jumped on line because let’s be real. You can’t have too many pictures taken with him. Since we knew you’d love it, we videotaped his entrance:

Our grand portrait with the one and only Mr. Met:

Feeling our imaginary testicles grow even larger with each minor success, we decided to tackle the male counterparts to Laura and Kelly…without fear. Besides, Serena wore her velociraptor t-shirt. Everything was going to be fine. That shirt is really intimidating. During our search, we found someone who might become Serena’s #1 hero. Sure, he’s a Phillies fan, so technically we should hate him, but this dude is straight rocking a kilt. He’s obviously amazing. Granted, he makes poor team decisions, but that can be forgiven. Especially if he’s wearing a kilt.

Finally, we chased down our male duo, Issac and Yuval. They were quite sweet considering that we say “chased them down,” we mean it in the literal sense. Plus, Serena rudely tapped Isaac on the shoulder in order to get his attention. In case you haven’t noticed, almost everyone said yes to our question, “If you were David Wright, would you marry Lisa?” Isaac said no, but his answer was well thought out and completely logical.

Having captured the desired footage, we bought some funnel cake (we covered it in cinnamon and powdered sugar) for $6.50 and headed to our seats.

The funnel cake was yummy, but couldn’t compare to the wonders of a hot dog. And $6.50 is a bit absurd for what the fried dough.

This is the view from our seats:

When Jayson Werth made his first plate appearance, we told anyone in our section who would listen that forest creatures lived in his beard. Not just any forest creatures. Magical ones that dress up like Prince Phillip while Sleeping Beauty sings, “Once Upon a Dream.” If it wasn’t so gross looking, the entire situation would be extremely romantic.

Speaking of our section, we were surrounded by some of the funniest and angriest Mets fans we’ve ever met. In the bottom of the 6th with bases loaded and 2 outs, David Wright (yup, using his real name. Humiliation has a first and last name, not a nickname) allowed a pathetic, dribbling, baby pee of ground ball to roll between his legs, allowing 2 runs to score and making it 4-0. Good job, champ. The man sitting next to us stood up and angrily spewed forth venom from the upper deck onto the field. We’re 97% sure that David Wright could actually hear him. When he sat back down again, he turned to us in disgust and said, “You should write a blog about how David Wright is overrated.” We nodded seriously, but inside we smiled devilishly. At last. Payback is ours. It stings, doesn’t it, David? Now you know how we feel, you giant weenie! Okay. Moving on to more important topics….

Serena wrote a beautiful poem that would rival William Butler Yeats for Lisa’s birthday to be displayed on the Mets’ scoreboard. The Mets confirmed in an email earlier that day that the message would indeed be posted anywhere between the bottom of the 4th to the 8th. What they ended up posting was this crass butchering of literature:

While it was exhilarating to see her name in lights, it was disappointing that the lyrical genius of Serena’s poetry died a slow, savage, and unknown death! Those bastards! Whatever. She read it in the car to Lisa later on, so they can go f themselves.

We held on in hopes that the Mets would attempt to stage a comeback until the 8th inning and then we finally gave up and left.

By the time we reached the car and put on the radio, it did appear that the Mets were displaying signs of some sort of rally. In the bottom of the 9th with bases loaded and two outs, Josh Thole struck out. Final score: 4-0.

Baseball Notes:
Andy Pettitte is KILLING us here! An MRI taken after a bullpen session on Tuesday revealed that Pettitte’s got a small, persistent strain, which explains why he’s still experiencing discomfort when the intensity of his pitches increases. It’ll be another week before he’s able to get near a pitcher’s mound again. *Insert frustrated moan* Based on the injury’s initial assessment, we’d expected Pettitte to return to the Yankees in time to pitch against the Red Sox during the first week of August. At the latest, the Yankees felt that he’d be back for last week’s series against the Royals. Now that both of the series have come to pass, we know that these estimates were inaccurate. The Yankees are currently looking at Pettitte’s return happening three weeks from this point, which puts him in a position to be ready for the Sept 10-12th series in Texas. This, of course, is only if there are no more hiccups in his recovery between now and then.

The jack ass known as “The Rocket” has been indicted on 3 counts of making false statements and 2 counts of perjury. The charges stem from the false statements he made to congress about his use of performance enhancement drugs in 2008. Clemens “tweeted” yesterday that “he never used performance enhancement drugs.” Really, dude? You’re not gonna let this one go, are you?

Last but not least, we’d like to extend our thanks to those nice fans who allowed us to interview them. Even more thanks go to them for agreeing to be posted here on this blog. We’re going to try to do this again at the Yankees/A’s game on August 31st. Fans in the area on this date beware.

“The Irish eyes are smiling, but not because the Mets won. It’s just because we’re drunk.”