Jayson Werth, Buy a F*cking Razor! Check Groupon Goods for Sales!

Welcome to Movember. One of the best times of the entire year. A time for men to embrace their inner manliness (because let's face it, men are now all a bunch of pansies who get their eyebrows and sh*t waxed). Unfortunately, there are those on this planet that abuse Movember 365 days of the year. Since this is a baseball blog, we're not going to waste time belly aching about the idiots we see on a day to day basis. We're going to focus on the King of Facial Hair Failures himself: Jayson Werth.

It is important that we emphasize just how often this man offends the very essence of mankind. Worldwide. This man has not only appeared in one facial hair blog posting, but in every single one. Including a special letter designed specifically for him. The only facial hair related blog post that he's not featured in is our letter to Barry Zito and that's only because we had bigger fish to fry that day.

There aren't words to describe what Jayson Werth has become. To call him the missing link would be an insult to the missing link. Behold:

We're done. We're done with him and his asinine behavior. We're throwing down the gauntlet. If this a-hole doesn't shave his f*cking sh*t off by Thanksgiving, we're demanding that he allows us to shave him for men's health related charities. Of course, since he's rich, he'll be writing the check for these donations. We ask all of you to show your support for this cause by leaving words of encouragement in the comments section of this blog post. We will then take this blog post/petition and pepper his social media outlets with it.

Since it's Movember, he can't shave his hair completely off. Therefore, to help Jayson, we've compiled some examples of what acceptable and desirable facial hair looks like:

Tom Selleck and the moustache:

Actually, we don't think anyone but Tom Selleck should be rocking a Tom Selleck moustache because technically, it's creepy and only he can pull it off. So maybe he needs to find another moustache to choose from. Perhaps he should Google Johnny Depp.

Chris Evans shows what it's like to wear a beard the right way. That's he is Captain America and Jayson Werth is an a-hole.

Brad Pitt is not only a political activist, but he also knows how to groom a proper goatee. Take notes.

Lastly, and Serena's personal favorite, the 5:00 shadow. Jensen Ackles is basically a super hero at crafting the 5:00 shadow. Maybe you should try reaching out to him to ask for some help. We think he has an official Facebook page.

Traveling Baseball Babes, join us in this call to arms! Do not stand for this malarkey any longer! Join us! And fight! We stand together united in hatred for stupid beard choices!

Majoring in Foxwoods Economics

Since the Mets are still interviewing for a new Manager to replace Jerry “I Like to Stutter” Manuel, we asked if you’d hire us if you were the GM for the Mets. Much to our self esteem’s relief, no one voted for, “good grief. Are you insane? Hell no.” That’s progress. Maybe you really don’t hate us. Maybe it’s just a strong feeling of dislike toward us that you feel in the pits of your stomachs. The 6 people that did vote were split between being annoyed about being the Mets’ GM and feeling that we couldn’t possibly be worse than Jerry Manuel. Sweet. Pessimistic attitudes all around.

MLB announced this season’s Silver Slugger Awards last night (displayed American League/National League):
1B: Miguel Cabrera/Albert Pujols
2B: Robinson Cano/Dan Uggla
3B: Adrian Beltre/Ryan Zimmerman
C: Joe Mauer/Brian McCann
P: Not Applicable/Yovani Gallardo
SS: Alexei Ramirez/Troy Tulowitzki
OF: Carl Crawford/Ryan Braun
OF: Josh Hamilton/Carlos Gonzalez
OF: Jose Bautista/Matt Holliday
DH: Vladimir Guerrero/Not Applicable

MLB also announced the winners for the Gold Gloves this week (displayed American League/National League):
1B: Mark Teixeira/Albert Pujols
2B: Robinson Cano/Brandon Phillips
3B: Evan Longoria/Scott Rolen
C: Joe Mauer/Yadier Molina
P: Mark Buehrle/Bronson Arroyo
SS: Derek Jeter/Troy Tulowitzki
OF: Ichiro Suzuki/Shane Victorino
OF: Carl Crawford/Carlos Gonzalez
OF: Franklin Gutierrez/Michael Bourn

Worthy to mention is the fact that this is Ichiro Suzuki’s TENTH Gold Glove. DANG! While that certainly is an amazing feat, that’s really not what we want to talk about today. Let’s discuss how Rob Neyer slammed Derek Jeter earning his fifth Gold Glove. The essence of his rant is that this recent award is the 4th Gold Glove that Jeter didn’t deserve. Woah. Someone’s got some Jeter Hate living inside him. Okay, sure. Derek Jeter is definitely not the BEST defensive short stop. We can support that statement. However, it’s not like the Yankees have got Serena playing short stop for them. Neyer’s ranting got us thinking. If Jeter didn’t deserve the award, then who did? Serena made an Excel spreadsheet on company time that detailed the 2010 fielding statistics for all of the short stops in the American League. Then she removed any player that had less than 100 games under their belt. Next, on company time, via her corporate account, she emailed the spreadsheet to Lisa’s email (also a corporate account), who then, on company time, reviewed it. After checking it out, Lisa replied via her corporate email account that she felt that Serena’s potential was being under-utilized at her job and that it made her feel sad. Serena appreciated the support.

Once all that back and forth appreciation was done, we discovered that the qualifying 100-games or more short stops were as follows: Alexei Ramirez (CHW), Cliff Pennington (OAK), Derek Jeter (NYY), Yuniesky Betancourt (KC), Cesar Izturis (BAL), Elvis Andrus (TEX), Erick Aybar (LAA), Marco Scutaro (BOS), Jason Bartlett (TB), and JJ Hardy (MIN). Ramirez and Pennington have the most games with 156 with Jeter and Betancourt following closely with 151. Since these numbers are so close together, we decided to study these four men’s statistics more closely. Of these 4 men, Jeter has the highest fielding percentage with .989, followed by Ramirez, who has .974. Since of the 4 original men, they have the highest percentage, let’s turn the spotlight more closely on Jeter and Ramirez. Ramirez played in 1376.2 innings while Jeter played in 1303.2, so Ramirez had 73 more innings/chances than Jeter to make a mistake. To boil it down further, Ramirez had 249 put outs, committing 20 errors (12 of them being fielding-related, while 8 were throwing-related). Jeter performed 182 put outs, committing just 6 errors (2 of them being fielding-related, while 4 were throwing-related). Ramirez was involved in 101 double plays, while Jeter was involved in 92. Who is the worthy short stop? We don’t know, but looking at these numbers, we don’t think choosing Jeter was a crime against nature. Perhaps Neyer needs to chill out? Maybe drink a little Dr. L or Café Patron?

Baseball Notes:
The A’s acquired outfielder David DeJesus from the Royals in exchange for Vin Mazzaro and Justin Marks on Wednesday. You might be wondering why we chose to share this piece of news with you, considering neither team is very good nor are the players involved super stars. We chose this baseball note because Vin Mazzaro, easily the hottest man on the A’s, was traded to Kansas City, which might be slightly closer to New York than Oakland, but really not close enough. Why do the A’s hate us? We were specifically looking forward to the A’s/Mets series at Citi Field this season just because we were a) confident that the Mets would actually win and b) we were going to have the chance to take Vin out for some wings at the Main Event…and perhaps assist him in relieving his sore muscles. What the hell are we supposed to do now? Now we’re left with Craig Breslow, who is adorable and Ivy League-educated, but just not as cute as Vin. *sigh*

Jeff Francoeur officially became a free agent after he was outrighted from the Rangers' 40-man roster, cleared waivers, and declined his outright assignment. Despite all of this, it doesn't mean that he won't end up with the Rangers since they've cited his fantastic personality as being a great asset to the clubhouse. We're a little peeved with Jeff right now. First, he tortured us with terrible music at Citi Field and THEN he grew a giant phallic bush on his face. Is he friggin' kidding us? Did he not read our offensive facial blog? He's offending our private parts with that monstrosity. He's a good looking man. What the hell is he thinking? It's not like it was helping him hit during the playoffs! For Pete's sakes, he batted .125 this post season! That's hardly productive in any language. Even though Jayson Werth's beard was revolting, at least he performed at the plate! It wasn't sexy by any stretch of the imagination, but he posted quality numbers! Men, please never rock a beard just because you're capable of growing it. Always make sure that the beard highlights your sex appeal before committing to it. How many times do we have to educate you in this department? We're starting to feel like broken records here! Sheesh! 

The TBB spent the night at Foxwoods this weekend thanks to a lovely invitation from Maria. Maria scored the most amazing room at MGM Grand for a ridiculously cheap price. It had the sexiest shower we've ever seen and there was a phone next to the toilet. Not that we used the phone while sitting on the bowl, but it's comforting to know that if we were experiencing an emergency while conducting our personal business, we'd have a phone to call for help and/or the Ghostbusters. Therefore, Maria is our Super Hero of the Week! Needless to say, the TBB did not raise any money for our stadium tours this year, but we did learn a few things at Foxwoods, which we chose to share with you because you clearly give a crap: 

1. Putting your money on black for Roulette doesn’t always guarantee you a win. You might lose your $30 and it will suck
2. Just because the Indiana Jones slot machine is making noise and flashing bright lights doesn’t mean you’re winning. Always consult the most sober individual in the group before blindly and relentlessly hitting the “Max Bet” button
3. Having a bench and an enormous shower head in your shower is strongly encouraged
4. Your best score in bowling usually takes place when you have less alcohol in your system, with the exception of Maria, who actually improved as her beer intake increased
5. Your last $5 should NOT be put into the Village People slot machine. You should probably save it for something important. Like food. Or gas to put in the car so that you can get home
6. When one TBB has a gambling problem (Lisa) and the other TBB has a drinking problem (Serena), it’s probably a good idea to avoid the following places: Foxwoods, Mohegan Sun, Atlantic City, Las Vegas, Monte Carlo, and OTB.
7. Sleeping on your purse/clutch might be uncomfortable, but it’s better than sleeping on the toilet
8. When betting on the Eagles/Colts game, apparently you should pick the Eagles

Hope these words of wisdom help you in your future gambling adventures. TBB signing off with Kenny Rogers singing, “We got to know when to bet black, know when you’re losing at the slot, know when to walk away drunk, and know when to run. We never count our money when we are sitting at the table. There’ll be enough when we lose and the deal is done.”