Top 10 Reasons Why RA Dickey & Serena Need to be Friends

Last week we presented you with our third installment of "Dear David." Apparently, most of you are starting to be concerned for Lisa's mental health. We assure you that everything is fine. All of her mental faculties are in place. Serena knows this for a fact because when we went to the bar on Monday night, she drank all of her beer without Serena's assistance and helped Serena eat a plate of honey bbq wings, a plate of pulled pork potato skins, and another plate/bowl of spinach dip and chips. If she was mentally ill, she couldn't possibly have done all of these things so stop being so concerned. If she wants to make her life mission about banging TOWSNBN, then so be it. People have had more pathetic dreams, okay? Stop being so judgemental. You're just jealous.

In light of our recent letter, we asked you if you thought that TOWSNBN would join us in Foxwoods and 3 of 4 you felt that the only thing that would be joining us in Foxwoods was a restraining order. Only 1 person thought that he would because we're hot AND hilarious. Well, the joke is on you 3 a-holes because no one sent us a restraining order. F*ck you. We're more upset that no one thinks we're hilarious because we obviously are. You wouldn't know funny if it slapped you in face. You're just jealous.

Onto the real purpose of today's blog post. After much deliberation, we've decided that it was a moral imperative that RA Dickey and Serena need to be BFFers. NOT, we need to stress, BFers. She has no interest in receiving penetration from this man. We feel pretty strongly that if he got to know Serena, he wouldn't hesitate in participate in this friendship, however there is the unfortunate fact of him being on friendly terms with TOWSNBN. Since he's a raging a-hole, he probably has already spent an unnecessary amount of time bad-mouthing us to RA. Therefore, we need to convince RA that TOWSNBN is a melodramatic idiot. We present to you the Top 10 Reasons Why RA Dickey & Serena Need to be Friends:

1. Both RA Dickey and Serena are obsessed with Star Wars. In fact, Serena has a plastic red lightsaber that she hits Lisa with once in awhile when she's feeling bored. Lisa also bought her a "Baby Darth" for a Christmas stocking stuffer one year. In fact, Serena's been trying to convince Lisa that our Halloween costumes should be Han Solo and Princess Leia. Naturally, Serena wants to be Han, which leaves Lisa the task of wearing cinnamon rolls on her head and donning a white bathrobe to be Princess Leia. If Serena and RA became friends, Lisa could stop entertaining Serena's stupid Star Wars ideas and RA Dickey can be Princess Leia for Halloween. Maybe he'll even rock the slave costume because Lisa refuses to.

2. RA Dickey has an English Literature degree from the University of Tennessee. Serena's degree from Emerson College is Writing, Literature, and Publishing. So they can sit together and pontificate about books they've read. They can recommend books to each other on GoodReads.
3. Speaking of books, he is known to have a stack of books in his locker. Among them was a collection of works by CS Lewis (author of The Chronicles of Narnia). Serena also has a collection of CS Lewis books on her shelf (among other things).

4. RA once climbed Mount Kilimanjaro to promote awareness for human trafficking. Serena once climbed a mountain to do yoga and get the sh*t scared out of her by not one, but two mother f*cking snakes.

5. RA Dickey once made his way to the plate to the theme song from Game of Thrones. Last week, Serena turned to Lisa and said, "I'm sooooo excited for March 13th!"
Lisa: "Oh, for your birthday?"
Serena: "What?"
Lisa: "Your birthday. It's March 13th."
Serena: "Oh...no, I don't care about that. Game of Thrones is coming back!!!!"
6. RA's career ERA is 3.98. Serena can eat 3.98 cheesy gordita crunches without breaking a sweat. In fact, let's just round that up to 4. Serena can eat 4 cheesy gordita crunches.
7. RA bats from the right side as does Serena.
8. As per RA's Twatter profile, he is a "ninja in training." Well, seek no more, RA. Serena is a professional ninja. She can guide him down the path toward professionalism. Just ask Serena's little glow-in-the-dark baby ninja friends:

9. RA has a moustache and sometimes, when she's feeling frisky, so does Serena:

10. If Serena and RA become BFFers, TOWSNBN will have no choice but to penetrate Lisa.

Clearly, this list has proven that RA Dickey and Serena are meant to live together in nerd harmony. "It is our destiny," as Vader would say. You're all just jealous by how much RA and Serena have in common. And by how funny we are.

Dear TOWSNBN

Last week, we asked if you would find us annoying if you ended up stuck in seats next to us at a sporting event. Surprisingly, 8 of you said, "No, you're hilarious." WE know we're hilarious, but we were starting to doubt your sense of humor. Since no one voted for the negative options, there's no need for us to cover them. It's become quite obvious that you're falling in love with us and that you're becoming stalkers. Are we going to need to take a break? We don't like feeling suffocated.

Onto today's topic, which you HAD to have known was coming sooner or later. On Friday, The New York Times reported that the Mets and TOWSNBN finally agreed to a monster deal that guarantees the thirdbase will be playing in Flushing through 2020. The 8-year deal is worth $138 million, pending the results of a physical. Now that this has been settled, it's time for us (or rather, Lisa) to revisit our past volatile relationship with TOWSNBN (volatile in the sense that he either runs away or ignores us and we get extremely volatile). We will make one last effort to make ammends with the man that refuses to penetrate Lisa.

Dear TOWSNBN,
It's been awhile since we last talked...we're not counting the hate blogs that we've posted about you because you've refused to acknowledge their existence. With your fresh, new contract, we felt that it was time for our relationship to have a fresh, new start as well. Especially since we're now stuck with you for 8 long years. Let's forget about the arguments and problems we've had. In order to forgive and forget, we'll have to rehash them briefly here so that we can bury them once and for all.

• You blew us off at FAO Schwartz. We don't know why. Everyone loves toy stores.
• You never confirmed our rescheduled January date with us because you decided to be an a-hole.
• You ignored us in Philly even after Lisa tried to flash her boobs at you, which made Serena question your sexuality. And as Philly fans pelted us with hatred for supporting you and your Mets, you looked on without any sort of concern. What kind of boyfriend does that make you?
• Lisa has repeatedly requested a photo opportunity with you and not only have you blatantly ignored these requests, but you've also mocked her by taking pictures with every stupid kid that comes your way. So selfish.
• On Lisa's birthday, you purposefully told the waiter at McFadden's to screw up our order so that we'd miss Mets batting practice and a chance at her being on the field with you. Not only was that a rude, heartless prank to play on the birthday girl, but it delayed Serena's feeding time, which royally pissed her off. You're lucky that Serena HADN'T been on the field with you by that point because she would've given you a d*ck punch. Again, so selfish.
• You've continued to blackball us from other MLB players. We know that it's statisically impossible for ALL of them to be scared of us. You HAVE to be whispering venomous thoughts in their ears. If you don't want Lisa, you should let her meet someone else. Don't be such a tool box. You've singlehandedly prevented her from banging Joey Votto, Cole Haan, Mike Jacobs, Huston Street and Jeff Francoeur. Despite the fact that Serena doesn't want your a$$, you've decided to punish her as well! You're the one who told Barry Zito to grow that stupid moustache, weren't you?! And that comb-over has your manipulative ways written all over it! Next, you'll be poisoning Justin Verlander and Aaron Rogers against her. You have no soul.

Anyway, that's all behind us now. Out with the old and in with the new as they say. Let's move forward, shall we? Your birthday is coming up, isn't it? It's the big 3-0. You're finally playing on our turf now. We should celebrate together to really cement our fresh start. We'll be like the Febreeze brothers, we're so fresh. We're heading up to Foxwoods on the 20th. You should join us for some classy dress, drunken antics, cigars, really awesome shower stalls, and Blackjack. Just think of how much fun you'll have sitting at a table with us. We're even willing to join you in the high roller room as long as you let us gamble with your money.

Afterwards, we can boogie down at one of the casino's many clubs. Of course, since we'll be rolling with you, we'll be riding VIP style. Jameson and Patron shots all around! On your dime, naturally. We suspect that Serena will probably have to show you how to drink because she's a professional and you strike us as being sort of a...what's the word we're looking for? Lightweight b*tch. Don't worry. We all start off as amateurs. When you train with a professional like Serena, you can become the best. Lisa will teach you how to guido fist pump since you are very caucasian and probably do not know how to do much more than one, two step. When she's done with you, you'll be able to "get low, get low, to the window, to the wall, to the sweat drips down my balls, to all the b*tches crawl." Your parents are going to be so proud of you.

Prepare to be our best friends. You're never going to want to leave us. Soon, you'll be planning this as an annual trip that we take together. You'll want us to go on the road with you, which we won't because we need space and if you start acting too needy, we'll need to break up. Then it'll be awkward for us to go to Mets games.

Please email us at travelingbaseballbabes@gmail.com to finalize our Foxwoods details as quickly as possible. We need to discuss who is driving and who is bringing what alcoholic beverage. Plus, we need to discuss outfits because for photos, we need to wear different colors. We can't stress enough how weird it is when everyone in the photo is wearing bright teal.

If we do not hear from you, prepare for the worst 8 years of your life. You will beg to be traded to the Toronto Blue Jays, an entirely different country, just to get away from the pain that we will cause you. Just think of the constant stress of never knowing where we'll be, ready to pounce and give you the worst wedgie you've ever experienced. Can you handle that for 8 years? We think not. Do the (w)right thing (ehhhh? Ehhhhh? Get it?). Be our friend/Lisa's boyfriend or husband or penetration partner.

Gracefully Yours,
The Greatest Women You'll Ever Know
(The Traveling Baseball Babes)

This week's baseball notes are all about New York. The Yankees have signed a pair of old timers for one year each. The Big Texan (Andy Pettitte) agreed to a deal worth $12 million and Mariano Rivera's deal is worth $10 million. Rivera is returning to the scene after missing most of 2012 with a knee injury.

A few random blog sources that we've found have mentioned the possibility of TOWSNBN wearing a "C" on his jersey and we hope that's not true because Serena has already threatened to give him a d*ck punch for being an idiot if he does that and that will put a damper on Lisa's hopes of raising a family with him. It's okay to be a captain for your team. It's NOT okay for you to embroider a "C" on your jersey unless you play hockey. You look an a-hole and when you look like an a-hole, it reflects poorly on the half of the TBB that loves you.

PS- We are NOT posting birthdays to our blog, so stop making these ludicrous requests. We will celebrate the birthdays of select Yankees and Mets players that make us happy and certain non-New York players that we either want to bang or befriend. If a player does not fall into any of those categories, they are sh*t out luck.

2012 Stadium Tour Planning

With the added Wild Card round going into effect this season, we asked if the new round would be good for baseball. 4 of you actually think that yes, it will be because “it’ll give the Pirates a chance to finally make the playoffs.” We disagree with you, which doesn’t really shock us. It seems that we’re never on the same page as you. And are you kidding us right now? The Pirates have an idiot for a starting pitcher who bunted his eye out. There’s no way they’re winning anything this year. 2 of you agree that “it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of.”

Our 2012 stadium tour trips are officially booked with the exception of a few slight details. Tickets have been purchased for the May 26^th Braves/Nationals game at Turner Field, July 27^th Blue Jays/Tigers game at Rogers Centre, and August 31^st Nationals/Cardinals game at Nationals Ballpark. Airfare has been booked for Toronto, but not Atlanta and at this time, we have no place to stay while in Toronto. Which might be awkward, but hopefully this problem is solved shortly. When we head down south to see the Braves, we’ll be staying with Lisa’s family and when we drive down to DC, we’ll be stealing Chris #1’s mustang convertible and re-enacting Aerosmith’s Crazy video. Can you guess which one of us is Liv Tyler and which one of us is Alicia Silverstone? Go on. Guess.

On the local front, Serena will be attending Yankees Opening Day courtesy of Mamadukes as part of her birthday celebration and Lisa will be attending Mets Opening Day with Bad Luck Laurie. Just like in past years, we’ll be reporting on these games separately in addition to our joint weekly blog. Lastly, while we haven’t picked which Mets game we’ll be going to (most likely with Auntiedukes as we promised her a visit to Citi Field), we’ll be attending the May 19^th Yankees game against the Reds. You might be wondering why we chose the Reds game. Usually, we pick the Twins (Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer), the A’s (to make fun of certain players), or the Red Sox (when we’re in the mood to be miserable). Trust us when we say that there was a method to the madness with this one. It started off with Serena checking the promotional schedule. May 19^th is Cap Day. Serena also noticed on her calendar that May 19^th is Armed Forces Day. This naturally got her thinking. They’ll be sexy men in uniform at this game. Even better, the caps will probably be army-themed. She always wanted a Yankees army-camo hat. This highly intelligent way of strategizing was all she needed to convince Lisa to join her on her quest. Lisa had no idea who the opponent was. The fact that Joey Votto is the Reds’ first baseman is just a bonus for her.

Additional news about the 2012 season is that Tigers Love Pepper is back in action. You’re thrilled, we can tell. Lisa is that’s for sure. Another season of Serena sending Lisa random, panicked texts about needing her to login to Serena’s Yahoo account to update her pitching staff while she’s at work...or at Target. Another season of Serena complaining about pitchers not going deep into games and batters not putting up quality offensive stats…none of these players actually playing for the Yankees. Another season of Serena dominating entire conversations discussing a team that doesn’t actually exist…kind of like The Avengers or The Justice League. Yup. Lisa’s thrilled.

Sorry that there are no baseball notes to report on this week. There was literally nothing that we found interesting. However, what may interest you is the fact that we’ll be going to Atlantic City for two nights this week with Jess to celebrate Serena’s birthday. There’ll be suits, cigars, scotch, other assorted booze-related items, gambling, and hopefully, lots of guido fist pumping. The guido fist pumping is more for Lisa. Serena’s hoping that they find a laser tag place that’s open late so that we can play drunk and suited-up laser tag, truly channeling the great Barney Stinson. This compels us to remind you (and most importantly, us) of the few tidbits we learned during our first visit to Foxwoods because as we all know, Lisa is bound to gamble our gas money away on a Village People slot machine.

“On the road again. We can’t wait to get on the road again. The life we love is traveling to baseball stadiums with each other.

Kinda, Sort of Related to Baseball

Last week we gave you a blog of nonsense. A brief, yet scary look into our minds. We apologize for this. However, in the midst of a-hole musings, we produced a tiny gem of an idea. Do people continue to watch the MLB postseason after their team has been eliminated? In light of this, we asked what you thought our experiment would bring. You apparently did not have high hopes for this investigation because 4 of 7 of you felt that we’d get nowhere and that we’d probably have some creepy, balding, and married old man hit on us and roofie us. Thank you so much for having confidence in us. To the best of our knowledge, we’ve only been roofied once. Technically, the creeper only roofied Lisa, but Lisa then gave Serena the rest of her beer, roofie-ing Serena as well. There are some who’d say that Serena roofied herself because she couldn’t leave a beer unfinished, but we’re going to stick to the story that Lisa roofied her. Anywho. 3 of you replied that you still watch the postseason even though your team sucks.

Regardless of your opinion, we did do some research during MNF. This is what we discovered:

• Tom, who is a Mets fan, watched the Yankees/Tigers series and once the Yankees were eliminated, watched only the Tigers/Rangers games in which Justin Verlander pitched. He wasn’t interested in the World Series at all, but did recently confess to us that he watched both World Series games.
• Tom’s friend, Uncle Robin, doesn’t watch baseball at all. So that was a waste of an interview. However, he IS a Dolphins fan, so that should tell us a lot about the person we were dealing with here.
• Linda, who is a Yankees fan, is all about the postseason because Albert Pujols is “a hot piece of ass.” We’re not sure what the response would’ve been if the Cardinals hadn’t advanced.
• Big Daddy, who is a Mets fan, continues to watch the postseason and he’s rooting for Texas, which we find a little weird since most National League fans stick to National League teams. However his reasoning is that he hates the Cardinals because of Tony LaRussa. Not sure what his issue is with LaRussa, but ok. Plus, Texas “is known for ice cold beer and good steaks.”
• Laurie, who is also a Mets fan, continues to watch the postseason and is rooting for the Cardinals because they beat the Phillies.
• Colin, who looked like a yeti and is yet another Mets fan, continues to watch, but not passionately. He also doesn’t care which team wins…which sounds kind of boring to us, but whatever floats your boat.
• Richard had an opinion as well, however by the time Serena interviewed him, she had had several beers and was more interested in the plate of wings sitting in front of us, so she forgot to take note of his answer. Obviously, it wasn’t very interesting because she would’ve remembered it otherwise.

We met up Maria and her friend, Ming at Foxwoods this weekend to see Kathy Griffin perform. We had every intention of doing additional research among the mixed New England residents, but here’s what happened instead:

• As usual, alcohol played a huge part.
• We went dancing and were sexually harassed by the drunk Plaid Patrol.
• Lisa lost all of her money on the slots.
• Serena took off her shoes.
• Maria did not hit it big and buy us all mink coats like she said she would.
• We were extremely unsuccessful interviewing the female gender as we were apparently the target of Mean Girl behavior.
• We had no recollection of the research we were actually supposed to conduct until we were half-passed out in the taxi cab heading back to the hotel.

However, the weekend was not an entire waste. We did learn the following:

• Highway McDonald’s do not have $1 Menus. A-holes.
• When the chance arises, Serena will definitely pet a shark.
• Lindsay Lohan baked cupcakes for dead people, which means she is definitely on drugs.
• Big Papi was sighted at Foxwoods, an establishment he apparently frequents often. Lisa thought she spotted him at a craps table, but Serena assured her that there was no way that David Ortiz would be wearing a Red Sox jersey to Foxwoods. It wasn’t even his own jersey.
• There is a secret city beneath Foxwoods that the A-listers use when they arrive at the resort.
• The “loosest slots on Connecticut” are not as loose as the women that hang out at the “nightclubs” in Foxwoods.
• To party at the “nightclubs” in Foxwoods, a woman should wear a dress short enough to expose her vagina and a man should wear plaid.
• At Foxwoods, Lisa is the equivalent to Barney from How I Met Your Mother, but only because she has a gambling problem and Serena is like Robin, except she’s not Canadian. Suit up, ey? In reality, however, if we weren’t at Foxwoods, Serena would still be Robin (or Barney to be quite honest) and Lisa would actually be Ted, constantly searching for her true love.
• The location of Mystic Pizza. Julia Roberts was not there.

Based on our meager sample of polled individuals, it seems that people DO continue to watch the MLB postseason, but don’t really give a sh*t what happens. If we remember, we’ll continue polling people tomorrow at MNF. We’d ask you to email us your thoughts, but that’s a waste of time and effort as you never send us anything.

Majoring in Foxwoods Economics

Since the Mets are still interviewing for a new Manager to replace Jerry “I Like to Stutter” Manuel, we asked if you’d hire us if you were the GM for the Mets. Much to our self esteem’s relief, no one voted for, “good grief. Are you insane? Hell no.” That’s progress. Maybe you really don’t hate us. Maybe it’s just a strong feeling of dislike toward us that you feel in the pits of your stomachs. The 6 people that did vote were split between being annoyed about being the Mets’ GM and feeling that we couldn’t possibly be worse than Jerry Manuel. Sweet. Pessimistic attitudes all around.

MLB announced this season’s Silver Slugger Awards last night (displayed American League/National League):
1B: Miguel Cabrera/Albert Pujols
2B: Robinson Cano/Dan Uggla
3B: Adrian Beltre/Ryan Zimmerman
C: Joe Mauer/Brian McCann
P: Not Applicable/Yovani Gallardo
SS: Alexei Ramirez/Troy Tulowitzki
OF: Carl Crawford/Ryan Braun
OF: Josh Hamilton/Carlos Gonzalez
OF: Jose Bautista/Matt Holliday
DH: Vladimir Guerrero/Not Applicable

MLB also announced the winners for the Gold Gloves this week (displayed American League/National League):
1B: Mark Teixeira/Albert Pujols
2B: Robinson Cano/Brandon Phillips
3B: Evan Longoria/Scott Rolen
C: Joe Mauer/Yadier Molina
P: Mark Buehrle/Bronson Arroyo
SS: Derek Jeter/Troy Tulowitzki
OF: Ichiro Suzuki/Shane Victorino
OF: Carl Crawford/Carlos Gonzalez
OF: Franklin Gutierrez/Michael Bourn

Worthy to mention is the fact that this is Ichiro Suzuki’s TENTH Gold Glove. DANG! While that certainly is an amazing feat, that’s really not what we want to talk about today. Let’s discuss how Rob Neyer slammed Derek Jeter earning his fifth Gold Glove. The essence of his rant is that this recent award is the 4th Gold Glove that Jeter didn’t deserve. Woah. Someone’s got some Jeter Hate living inside him. Okay, sure. Derek Jeter is definitely not the BEST defensive short stop. We can support that statement. However, it’s not like the Yankees have got Serena playing short stop for them. Neyer’s ranting got us thinking. If Jeter didn’t deserve the award, then who did? Serena made an Excel spreadsheet on company time that detailed the 2010 fielding statistics for all of the short stops in the American League. Then she removed any player that had less than 100 games under their belt. Next, on company time, via her corporate account, she emailed the spreadsheet to Lisa’s email (also a corporate account), who then, on company time, reviewed it. After checking it out, Lisa replied via her corporate email account that she felt that Serena’s potential was being under-utilized at her job and that it made her feel sad. Serena appreciated the support.

Once all that back and forth appreciation was done, we discovered that the qualifying 100-games or more short stops were as follows: Alexei Ramirez (CHW), Cliff Pennington (OAK), Derek Jeter (NYY), Yuniesky Betancourt (KC), Cesar Izturis (BAL), Elvis Andrus (TEX), Erick Aybar (LAA), Marco Scutaro (BOS), Jason Bartlett (TB), and JJ Hardy (MIN). Ramirez and Pennington have the most games with 156 with Jeter and Betancourt following closely with 151. Since these numbers are so close together, we decided to study these four men’s statistics more closely. Of these 4 men, Jeter has the highest fielding percentage with .989, followed by Ramirez, who has .974. Since of the 4 original men, they have the highest percentage, let’s turn the spotlight more closely on Jeter and Ramirez. Ramirez played in 1376.2 innings while Jeter played in 1303.2, so Ramirez had 73 more innings/chances than Jeter to make a mistake. To boil it down further, Ramirez had 249 put outs, committing 20 errors (12 of them being fielding-related, while 8 were throwing-related). Jeter performed 182 put outs, committing just 6 errors (2 of them being fielding-related, while 4 were throwing-related). Ramirez was involved in 101 double plays, while Jeter was involved in 92. Who is the worthy short stop? We don’t know, but looking at these numbers, we don’t think choosing Jeter was a crime against nature. Perhaps Neyer needs to chill out? Maybe drink a little Dr. L or Café Patron?

Baseball Notes:
The A’s acquired outfielder David DeJesus from the Royals in exchange for Vin Mazzaro and Justin Marks on Wednesday. You might be wondering why we chose to share this piece of news with you, considering neither team is very good nor are the players involved super stars. We chose this baseball note because Vin Mazzaro, easily the hottest man on the A’s, was traded to Kansas City, which might be slightly closer to New York than Oakland, but really not close enough. Why do the A’s hate us? We were specifically looking forward to the A’s/Mets series at Citi Field this season just because we were a) confident that the Mets would actually win and b) we were going to have the chance to take Vin out for some wings at the Main Event…and perhaps assist him in relieving his sore muscles. What the hell are we supposed to do now? Now we’re left with Craig Breslow, who is adorable and Ivy League-educated, but just not as cute as Vin. *sigh*

Jeff Francoeur officially became a free agent after he was outrighted from the Rangers' 40-man roster, cleared waivers, and declined his outright assignment. Despite all of this, it doesn't mean that he won't end up with the Rangers since they've cited his fantastic personality as being a great asset to the clubhouse. We're a little peeved with Jeff right now. First, he tortured us with terrible music at Citi Field and THEN he grew a giant phallic bush on his face. Is he friggin' kidding us? Did he not read our offensive facial blog? He's offending our private parts with that monstrosity. He's a good looking man. What the hell is he thinking? It's not like it was helping him hit during the playoffs! For Pete's sakes, he batted .125 this post season! That's hardly productive in any language. Even though Jayson Werth's beard was revolting, at least he performed at the plate! It wasn't sexy by any stretch of the imagination, but he posted quality numbers! Men, please never rock a beard just because you're capable of growing it. Always make sure that the beard highlights your sex appeal before committing to it. How many times do we have to educate you in this department? We're starting to feel like broken records here! Sheesh! 

The TBB spent the night at Foxwoods this weekend thanks to a lovely invitation from Maria. Maria scored the most amazing room at MGM Grand for a ridiculously cheap price. It had the sexiest shower we've ever seen and there was a phone next to the toilet. Not that we used the phone while sitting on the bowl, but it's comforting to know that if we were experiencing an emergency while conducting our personal business, we'd have a phone to call for help and/or the Ghostbusters. Therefore, Maria is our Super Hero of the Week! Needless to say, the TBB did not raise any money for our stadium tours this year, but we did learn a few things at Foxwoods, which we chose to share with you because you clearly give a crap: 

1. Putting your money on black for Roulette doesn’t always guarantee you a win. You might lose your $30 and it will suck
2. Just because the Indiana Jones slot machine is making noise and flashing bright lights doesn’t mean you’re winning. Always consult the most sober individual in the group before blindly and relentlessly hitting the “Max Bet” button
3. Having a bench and an enormous shower head in your shower is strongly encouraged
4. Your best score in bowling usually takes place when you have less alcohol in your system, with the exception of Maria, who actually improved as her beer intake increased
5. Your last $5 should NOT be put into the Village People slot machine. You should probably save it for something important. Like food. Or gas to put in the car so that you can get home
6. When one TBB has a gambling problem (Lisa) and the other TBB has a drinking problem (Serena), it’s probably a good idea to avoid the following places: Foxwoods, Mohegan Sun, Atlantic City, Las Vegas, Monte Carlo, and OTB.
7. Sleeping on your purse/clutch might be uncomfortable, but it’s better than sleeping on the toilet
8. When betting on the Eagles/Colts game, apparently you should pick the Eagles

Hope these words of wisdom help you in your future gambling adventures. TBB signing off with Kenny Rogers singing, “We got to know when to bet black, know when you’re losing at the slot, know when to walk away drunk, and know when to run. We never count our money when we are sitting at the table. There’ll be enough when we lose and the deal is done.”