Dear Murphy – Part 2

Last week on the Traveling Baseball Babes, you met some of MLB’s hottest wives and their ugly counterparts. We asked which ugly man had the hottest bitch. Of 4 votes (apparently this post didn’t appeal to you so much), 2 of you felt that Brett Tomko’s former Playmate was the hottest. Honestly, we feel that you probably Googled her and got the same message we did: “These images contain graphic content that may explode your hard drive and include naked pictures of women with donkeys.” WE didn’t proceed with checking those images out because while we’re curious, we fear for the safety of Serena’s internet machine and let’s face it, if we’re going to risk hard drive safety, we’re going to do for David Beckham or some male equally as hot, if not hotter (if there is such a creature). 1 person chose Russell Martin’s bitch and 1 person chose Brad Penny’s menagerie of bitches. No one chose Johnny Damon’s.  

Before we continue with the rest of today’s post, we’d like to announce a new feature to our blog. As you know, we currently have a spot for the TBB Super Hero of the Week. Going forward, we’ve decided to add another spotlight: TBB A-hole of the Week. This week’s a-hole is none other than the King of A-holes, Roger Clemens. On the flip side, our Super Hero of the Week is Jim Thome for smashing his 13^th career walk off home run in the Phillies’ 7-6 victory over the Rays yesterday. The 13 walk off home runs are a major league best…in history.

We know we promised you a follow-up Subway Series post this week, but we are unable to deliver on this promise. It’ll have to wait until next week. For starters, we had a really busy week (helloooooo, Fred K’s Cancer was on Saturday!) and second of all…we kind of forgot…until last night. Because we forgot, we never set up a date with our Subway Series rival fans. We’ll make it up to you, we promise. Until then, we have something better for you. A post about a moustache.  Has anyone seen Daniel Murphy yet? He has grown an offensive moustache. It’s truly terrible. It’s worse than Barry Zito’s porn-stache, which is pretty hard to top. Observe:

It’s become quite clear that Murphy needs our help, so we decided to write him a letter. He needs friends like us to tell him the truth because the Mets’ clubhouse is apparently made up of liars.

Dear Murphy,

How are you? It’s been awhile. We’ve missed you. St. Patrick’s Day was not the same without you. We had an awesome time. You would’ve enjoyed the Guinness hats we stole. You probably could’ve driven us to Taco Bell that night instead of making us go to bed hungry and in utter disarray. But we understand. You had spring training. We get it.

Since we’re such BFF’s, we feel that we can tell each other everything. We’re basically in the Share Circle 24/7. Like that time that Lisa had spinach in her teeth? And you told her? Before she took that picture? That was super awesome of you. And then that time you told Serena that her ass was getting bigger and that she shouldn’t wear yoga pants anymore? That was really enlightening as well. It is in this aspect that we’re writing this letter. Since our friendship is based on honesty, we feel that it’s necessary we tell you this. We would’ve done it in person, but you’ve been a no-show every Monday night at Croxley’s for the last few months. It might have something to do with the fact that your team is usually playing around the time we’re there, but once in awhile, Murph, c’mon. Show face. It’s us. Your besties. Do us a solid.

Back to the situation at hand. It’s come to our attention via the MLB FanCave that you are sporting a caterpillar on your upper lip. By this point, being friends with us should’ve educated you on what proper and acceptable facial hair looks like and that moustache, good sir, is NOT what proper and acceptable facial hair looks like. You look like a Peeping Tom. Or a child with a fake moustache on. Take your pick as to which simile you prefer. Since our friendship began, we’ve written a total of 4 posts regarding attractive manscaping: Exhibit A, Exhibit B, Exhibit C, and Exhibit D. It’s sh*t like this that makes us think you don’t read our blog. That’s hurtful. We watch YOU play. We even supported you at the team shop at Citi Field when they put your St. Patrick’s Day merchandise on the clearance rack…in August. We insisted that they pull those red tags off and charge fans full price. Because that’s what friends are for. Yet you can’t take two minutes out your busy day to read our blog once a week? If you had, you would have realized that what you’ve grown is an abomination against mankind.

We’ll forgive you if you meet us at Croxley’s for beer and wings with that crap shaved off your face. If you show up with that creep-stache, we’re going to punch you in the balls and then dump our beers over your head, which you’ll have to pay for because you’ve upset us.

We understand that you may have grown attached to this feather boa that lays nestled beneath your nose and therefore, you may not be so willing to part with it. Allow us to ease your concern. For starters, in exchange for your shave, you’ll get to hang out with us. Why is this a consolation prize? We’re funny, have big boobs, we’re very, very funny, we’re the cherry of awesomeness on top of your awesome sundae, we have boobs (which are fun in any size so we’re told), and we’re going to be running in a zombie apocalypse 5K in October. Secondly, when your lips are feeling naked and exposed, you can always draw a moustache on your finger and hold it up to your lips. This is especially flexible because it’s temporary AND you can sport different styles of moustaches to suit your mood. It’s totally versatile. Finally, if inking your finger doesn’t appeal to you, there’s always the beer bottle moustache. As you can see, the beer bottle moustache allows you the comfort of having the moustache without the trouble of needing to shave it off. Plus, it’s f*cking hilarious. In a good way. Your current moustache is hilarious in a bad way. In a way that makes us point and laugh at you. We’re not trying to be mean here, Murph. We’re just trying to be honest. We’re just looking out for you like you’d look out for us. You’re never going to get laid with that look and as your wing women, it’s our duty to get you laid.

Please don’t throw in our faces that we like to wear moustaches as a defense for that bullsh*t that rests beneath your nose. We do not have real moustaches and the moustaches we pretend to rock are just funny. See the previous paragraph regarding the difference between funny and not funny moustaches.

You’re so lucky to have friends like us. Love you. Miss you. Kiss noise. See you at Croxley’s.

Sincerely,

Besties for Life, the Traveling Baseball Babes

PS-first round at Croxley’s is on you…you make more money than we do

PPS-Lisa wants to know if you’re coming out for her birthday. You still haven’t RSVP-ed. It’s bad enough that you missed Serena’s birthday in Atlantic City. Serena had to smoke your cigar and we had to cancel your spa appointment last minute and because it was so last minute, our credit card got charged. Please do make every effort to attend Lisa’s soiree. It’s the least you can do. Oh, and don’t you dare show up with that dirt smudge on your face.

PPPS-Barry Zito called. He wants his moustache back.

Baseball Notes & Poll Results

We have returned unscathed and a little browner from our stadium touring in Southern California! Since our blog for today focuses on our visit to Angel Stadium, we’re posting our poll results and baseball notes for this week separately.

Before boarding the second worst flight in history (we figure that planes that actually crash are the only flights that should be allocated the title of “Worst Flight in History”), we asked you which stadium in Southern California we’d like best. Despite giving you 2 weeks to vote, we still only managed to earn 7 total votes, which is a bit sad. Our readers must be dropping like flies. Petco Park is the winner with 4 votes. Congratulations. We couldn’t agree more. The view of beyond the outfield wall is lovely, the ball park is clean and charming (similar to Camden Yards in Baltimore and as it turns out, the same designer did both stadiums), and they have a BBQ pit for heaven’s sakes. The only con? The fans had no zip to their fanhood. The fans at Dodger Stadium (runner up with 2 votes) annihilated Padres fans when it came to personality and passion for their team. Angel Stadium garnered only 1 vote.

Our stadium tour forced Erin and Matt to deal with our annoying presence every day, especially considering they opened their home to us for the week. For this, we owe them an enormous thank you and of course, the title of TBB Super Heroes of the Week. Sadly, all this earned them was an opportunity to listen to our stupid self-deprecating jokes for 7 days.

Baseball notes: Omar Vizquel tied Hall of Famer Luis Aparacio for the second-most career hits by a short stop when he hit a single in the 5th off of Indians’ Aaron Laffey for his 2, 764th hit on Monday night. The White Sox would go on to win 7-2, ending a 5-game losing streak. The Mets announced following an MRI exam that RHP John Maine has rotator cuff tendonitis in his right shoulder and there’s no timetable for his return. He was placed on the 15-day DL after being removed from the game against the Nationals on Thursday night where he only threw 5 pitches! The Mets have also reinstated first baseman Daniel Murphy from the 15-day DL. Unfortunately, they optioned him to Triple-A Buffalo. So we don’t get Mike Jacobs or Daniel Murphy. Just great. For heaven’s sake, PLEASE don’t get rid of Jeff Francoeur! What will we look at then? Murphy had been on the disabled list since April 5th because of a sprained knee. Umpires suspended the scoreless game between the Twins and Yankees on Tuesday night after 5 innings. It’s is the first time in Target Field’s brief history that a game was delayed and stopped while in progress. Heavy rain had started to fall during the 3rd inning and was accompanied by several lightning strikes. The crew finally called for the tarp at the conclusion of the 5th. We’ve got a feeling that we’ll be hearing a lot more about “firsts” at Target Field as the season continues.

Blockbuster Baseball

The weekend we’ve all been waiting patiently for is finally upon us. The baseball regular season kicks off Sunday night when the defending champs, the New York Yankees take on the Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park. Anyone else think it’s weird that the team who won the World Series is starting their season on the road? Anyway, we digress. In celebration of Opening Day kicking off on Sunday, we‘ve compiled a list of our favorite all-time baseball movies. We’re aware that some of you may agree whole-heartedly with our choices, while others may find our choices puzzling. You may even feel that we’ve forgotten a few obvious classics. That being said, we’ll get this one out of the way now: The Natural is not on here. Please bear in mind that this list consists of our favorites. Don’t get us wrong. The Natural is a great movie, but it’s just not one of our favorites. In fact, there are many great movies that will not be listed and that doesn’t mean that we don’t enjoy them. We thought about specific criteria before choosing which movies to discuss. When flipping through channels on a lazy Saturday afternoon, if we stumble upon a particular movie on TBS, TNT, etc, will we always stop and watch it, regardless of where in the film it is? Or hesitate for a moment before deciding to see what else is on before committing? For a favorite flick, there could be 15 minutes left and we’ll still stop and watch. The need to watch it over and over again is what constitutes a favorite. No matter how many times you’ve seen it, the movie still touches you the same way and you still laugh (or cry) at the same parts with as much gusto as you did the first time you saw it.

However, before we get into the thick of things, we must present to you our poll results. We’d hate leave you wanting. How could you live with yourselves not knowing the results of our weekly polls? 8 whole people voted this week. Welcome back, baseball fans. We’ve missed you. We asked what you were most looking forward to this season. No one is apparently excited by the thought of “Tiny” Tim Lincecum winning three straight NL Cy Young Awards. Is that because you just assume that it will happen? 1 person can’t wait to see if the Mariners have finally returned to form and are primed to give the Angels a run for their money in the AL West. We certainly feel that it’s time for that damn rally monkey to step down. The majority of voters (3) would like to see the Mets bounce back from their terrible 2009 season. You and us both, kids. 2 people are interested to see how Phil Hughes pans out as a 5th starter for the Yankees. Only 1 person really cares whether or not the Twins can recover from the loss of Joe Nathan and sadly, only 1 person wants to see Ken Griffey Jr. make a man out of Milton Bradley. C’mon, folks! This is the stuff that Lifetime original movies are made of!

And now, without further ado, we bring to you our favorite baseball movies. Like our blog regarding our favorite players, we’ve split the categories into “TBB’s Favorites,” “Lisa’s Favorites,” and “Serena’s Favorites.”

The Traveling Baseball Babes’ Favorites:

Major League 1
Release Date: April 7, 1989

Cast: Tom Berenger (Jake Taylor), Charlie Sheen (Rick Vaughn), Corbin Bernsen (Roger Dorn), James Gammon (Lou Brown), Rene Russo (Lynn Wells), Wesley Snipes (Willie Mays Hays), Dennis Haysbert (Pedro Cerrano), and Bob Uecker (Harry Doyle)

Major League is the adult version of The Bad News Bears. It never fails to make us laugh so hard that we lose bladder control like old women in a nursing home. The Indians’ announcer, Harry Doyle is legitimately the best character in history. We would love for Harry Doyle to work either for SNY or the Yes Network. That would make every Mets or Yankees game epic. Indians’ manager, Lou Brown is basically a less classy version of Lou Piniella. One of his many vulgar actions includes peeing on Roger Dorn’s contract. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Honestly, the memorable quotes section should speak for itself and that’s just a smattering of pearls from the film. Our words cannot compare with those of Harry Doyle, Rick Vaughn, or Lou Brown.

Memorable Quotes:
(As Rick Vaughn pulls up on a motorcycle) Pepper Leach to Lou Brown: Look at this f*cking guy.

Harry Doyle: Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.

Jake Taylor (to Charlie Donovan after he calls to ask Jake if he’d like a chance to play for the Cleveland Indians): Is that you, Tolbert? Look. I’m hung over, my knees are killing me, and if you’re going to pull this shit, at least you could’ve said you were from the Yankees.

(Following a grand slam Vaughn has just given up after walking three straight batters) Pepper Leach: You want me to go get him?
Lou Brown: No. Keep him in. Let’s see how he reacts.
(Vaughn hits the next batter)
Lou: Interesting.

Major League 2
Release Date: March 30, 1994

Cast: Charlie Sheen (Rick Vaughn), Tom Berenger (Jake Taylor), Corbin Bernsen (Roger Dorn), Dennis Haysbert (Pedro Cerrano), James Gammon (Lou Brown), Omar Epps (Willie Mays Hays), and Eric Bruskotter (Rube Baker)

Probably the only sequel that is just as good as the first. Our only complaint is that Wesley Snipes didn’t return for the role of Willie Mays Hays. Omar Epps just didn’t cut it.

Where can we begin? Jack Parkman is the perfect douche, Rube is the perfect idiot hick/rookie (we could literally have an entire blog posting dedicated to the gems that come out of his mouth), Roger Dorn is even more pansy than in the first, and Randy Quaid is a more disgruntled fan than we are. These, TBB fans, are our people.

We do not recommend Major League 3: Back to the Minors. While Brother has tried to argue some of the finer points of the flick, but it just doesn’t live up to its predecessors. Rube (the only returning character) simply cannot carry the entire plot alone even though we love him dearly.

Memorable Quotes:
Jack Parkman: What do you call that garbage?
Rick Vaughn: It’s my eliminator. I’ve got another pitch. You get a piece of it, I’ll let you name it.
(Parkman hits the pitch out of the park)
Jack Parkman: I’d, uh, call it the masturbator.

Rube Baker: Women. You can’t live with them and they can’t pee standing up.

Rube Baker: My momma always said, “It’s better to eat shit than to not eat at all.”

Harry Doyle: You know I used to hate Parkman when he was with the A’s. It’s amazing how a new uniform can change your attitude about a guy. (Covers the mic) He’s still a dick.

A League of Their Own
Release Date: July 1, 1992

Cast: Geena Davis (Dottie Hinson), Tom Hanks (Jimmy Dugan), Madonna (Mae Mordabito), Lori Petty (Kit Keller), Rosie O’Donnell (Doris Murphy), and Jon Lovitz (Ernie Capadino).

To this day, hearing Madonna’s “This Used to Be My Playground” makes us think of A League of Their Own. Although it has its comedic moments (Jon Levitz, in general, is hilarious in all of his scenes), the movie tugs at your heart strings. The film is the story of the All American Girls Professional Baseball League. These women were athletes in a time where men dominated sports. Females should feel empowered by this film and by what these admirable women had been able to accomplish during this time period. They established a precedence that has allowed younger female generations to pursue their dreams, on the field and off.

We don’t care what anyone says, but Dottie totally shouldn’t have dropped that ball on purpose when Kit decided to go for a home run instead of a triple. This may make us seem like terrible sisters, but Kit should’ve been satisfied with a triple when there was clearly no way in hell she was going to be safe at home and with the game on the line no less! Someone’s gotta win. Someone’s gotta lose. That’s how it works. Dottie sacrificed the hard work of her teammates for her selfish, whining little sister. That’s all we’re going to say about that one. At this stage, you probably hate us even more (if that’s possible) for being evil, cruel bitches, but we don’t care. We’re through with trying to impress you people.

Finally, if you don’t like this movie, you’re an a-hole.

Memorable Quotes:
Mae: Hi, my name's Mae and that's more than a name, it's an attitude.

Kid: What's your rush, doll body? What do you say we slip in the back seat and make a man out of me?

Dottie: What do you say I smack you around for a while?

Kid: Can't we do both?

Walter Harvey: It's funny to you. Your drinking is funny. You're a young man, Jimmy. You still could be playing, if you just would've laid off the booze.

Jimmy Dugan: Well, it's not exactly like that... I hurt my knee.

Walter Harvey: You fell out of a hotel. That's how you hurt it.

Jimmy Dugan: Well, there was a fire.

Walter Harvey: Which you started. Which I had to pay for.

Jimmy Dugan: Well, now. I was going to send you a thank-you card, Mr. Harvey, but I wasn't allowed anything sharp to write with.

Dottie: Lay off the high ones!

Kit: I like the high ones!

Dottie: Mule!

Kit: Nag!

Ernie Capadino: Are you coming? See, how it works is, the train moves, not the station.

Jimmy Dugan: There’s no crying in baseball.
Umpire: What’s the matter, Jimmy?
Jimmy Dugan: She’s crying, sir
Umpire: Perhaps you chastised her too vehemently. Good rule of thumb: treat each of these girls as you would treat your mother.

Jimmy Dugan: Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a ***** with that little hat on?

Honorable Mentions: For the Love of the Game, Pride of the Yankees, 61*, Rookie of the Year, and Bad News Bears (the original)

Lisa’s Favorites:

Angels in the Outfield
Release Date: July 15, 1994

Cast: Danny Glover (George Knox), Tony Danza (Mel Clark), Christopher Lloyd (Al “The Boss” Angel), and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Roger Bomman)

I adore Angels in the outfield (Disney version) and Everybody's Hero. Yes they are both kids’ movies and I don't know if that means I am young at heart or that my brain is that of an 8 yr old. You can decide that. Both movies are extremely light and fluffy. They are similar in which you have a hero overcomes an obstacle in the end and the happy ending leaves you all warm and fuzzy inside. No not that kind of happy ending. Get your mind out off the gutter people. You are better then that.

Who doesn’t love watching the underdog finally coming through? Thank god for movies because I will never see it with my team of choice. In Angels in the Outfield, being the huge sap that I am, I still get a knot in my throat when the characters start flapping their arms in the field. I won't spoil the ending, but everyone does live happily ever after.

Memorable Quotes:
George Knox:[the Angels have lost their fifteenth straight game] One more loss! One more loss which could've been a win! And you call yourselves professionals. I have never, ever seen a worse group of twenty-five players! You don't think as a team, you don't play as a team, you don't even LOSE as a team! You've all got your heads so far up your butts, you can't even see the light of day! One more loss and I... I'll do this... [throws a chair at a rack of bats] to each and everyone of you!

George Knox: There's a thing called "talent." They don't have it.

Mapel: We do it all summer / And it's a big bummer / No matter who we play / We give the game away./'Cause we can't win / That would be a sin / We even lose the games / before they begin...

George Knox: Save it, Mapel!

Everyone’s Hero
Release Date: September 15, 2006

Cast: William H. Macy (Lefty Maginnis), Rob Reiner (Screwie), Jake T. Austin (Yankee Irving), Brian Dennehy (Babe Ruth), Whoopi Goldberg (Darlin’), Robin Williams (Napoleon Cross) and Mandy Patinkin (Stanley Irving)

Everyone’s Hero is a charming cartoon about the story of a die hard fan and Babe Ruth’s bat. I love cartoons and it’s a cartoon about baseball no less. Score !!!! I like the fairy tale endings that these two movies give you. The feeling that anything is possible with hard work and sometimes all you gotta do is just believe. Yes I said it and I am aware that it was extremely corny for me since I am a Mets fan, but you do. Ya just gotta believe! :)

Memorable Quotes:
Yankee Irving: [Yankee and Darlin' have just had a bonding moment] Thanks, Darlin'.

Darlin':No, no. Thank you, Yankee.

Screwie:Oh, brother! You could pour this stuff on pancakes!

Announcer:And it just goes to show you... You can be the smallest, you can be the weakest, you can be the worst player on the field, but when people tell you you're no good, and say you should give it up, you know what you do? You just keep on swinging.

Bully Kid Tubby: Hey, look. A baseball.

Screwie: Hey, look. The missing link.

Serena’s Favorites:

Bull Durham
Release Date: June 15, 1988

Cast: Kevin Costner (Crash Davis), Susan Sarandon (Annie Savoy), and Tim Robbins (Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh

What’s not to love about Bull Durham? In addition to it being one of my favorite baseball movies, it’s in my list of top five movies of all time. Every single piece of dialogue from that film is quote worthy and while I would’ve loved to include the entire script under “Memorable Quotes,” I didn’t think it practical. I found the DVD in the bargain bin at Borders for $5. Easily one of the best investments of my life. I might actually hold it higher than my college education (I said, “might,” Mom).

There are two dynamic relationships developed in this movie that I am addicted to. The first and foremost is the relationship between Crash and Annie. The chemistry and sexual tension between the two is both comical and explosive. My favorite scene between them takes place at the batting cages. Crash finally asks Annie while she’s in the cage taking swings, “Last chance. Your place or mine?” She replies (best answer ever), “Despite my rejection of most Judeo-Christian ethics, I am, within the framework of the baseball season, monogamous.” So is the essence of their entire relationship before it culminates in the most fantastic, hilarious, and “major” sex scenes ever. Yes. Scenes, plural. For those of you who’ve seen the movie, you know what I am talking about.

The second relationship is the one between Crash and Nuke. Crash knows his days of playing in “The Show” are over, but Nuke is young and talented, if green and Crash finds him self in the forced role of playing Nuke’s mentor. The portrayed “Teacher/Student” relationship has been done many different times and in many different ways, but the meaning behind it is essentially the same. The veteran takes the rookie under his wing and grooms him to become the best person that he can be. When Nook asks Crash why he doesn’t like him and Crash replies, “Because you don't respect yourself, which is your problem. But you don't respect the game, and that's my problem. You got a gift…but you’re pissing it away,” it provides the basis of where their relationship is destined to progress toward.

This movie is basically a baseball lover’s movie. Crash represents what we want in a ball player and there just aren’t enough of those men in the game today.

Memorable Quotes:
(Trust me, it was tough for me to narrow this down)

Crash: Relax, alright? Don’t try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they’re fascist. Throw some ground balls- it’s more democratic.

Nuke: God, that sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball!
Crash: He did know
Nuke: How?
Crash: I told him

Crash: Yeah, I was in the show. I was in the show for 21 days once- the 21 greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in the show? Someone else carries your bags. It was great. You hit white balls for batting practice, the ballparks are like cathedrals, the hotels all have room service, and the woman all have long legs and brains.

Crash: Well, I believe in the soul, […], the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days…
Annie: Oh my…

Nuke: A good friend of mine used to say, “This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.” Think about that for awhile.

Crash: If you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid, or because you're not getting laid, or because you wear women's underwear, then you ARE! And you should know that! (Long pause) Come on, Annie. Think of something clever to say, huh? Something full of magic, religion, bullshit. Come on, dazzle me.

Annie: I want you.

Sandlot
Release Date: April 7, 1993

Cast: Tom Guiry (Scotty Smalls), Mike Vitar (Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez), Patrick Renna (Hamilton “Ham” Porter), Chauncey Leopardi (Michael “Squints” Palledorous), Marty York (Alan “Yeah-Yeah” McClennan), Denis Leary (Bill), Karen Allen (Mom), and James Earl Jones (Mr. Mertle)

This is another movie that provides the stone base for the altar dedicated to baseball lovers. People who love more than just their professional baseball team and truly find joy in the dirt of baseball fields and in the warm smells of their worn leather mitts will find nostalgia in Sandlot. People who’ve played baseball (or softball) their whole lives know the happiness of simply playing a pick-up game in the park with their friends or family for hours on end. Are there many better ways to spend your summer days than that? I’m not sure that there is.

Like in Bull Durham, we have the “Teacher/Student” relationship, only this time played out in the form of Benny and Smalls. Smalls is an awkward, nerdy kid new to town without friends or any athletic ability to speak of. Benny is charismatic, confident, and very talented. Unlike most boys his age with the talent and popularity that he has, Benny is also generous, patient, and kind. He takes Smalls under his wing and introduces him to the game of baseball, against the advice and complaints of his other friends. Thanks to Benny’s encouragement, Smalls develops a better sense of self-worth, a close network of friends that he certainly never would’ve made without the help of Benny, and becomes a better ball player.

Had it not been for softball, I never would’ve met my best friend, Erin. I don’t know what life would actually be like without her in it. I know that when I am not with her, I am half of myself. Would not knowing Erin mean that I’d be a half empty vessel on the constant mission of seeking something to fill that space? I’m not sure I know the answer to that question, but I do know that I am not willing to find out. No matter how many times I see Sandlot, I get misty eyed at the end of the movie when Adult Smalls is calling the game from the announcer’s booth and Adult Benny (now playing for the Dodgers) steals home. The scene ends with the men exchanging thumbs up signs, followed by the camera panning to a framed photograph on the wall of the boys standing in the sandlot. It sends chills up my spine.

Memorable Quotes:
Squints: It’s about time, Benny. My clothes are goin’ outta style!

Ham: Hey, Smalls! You wanna s’more?
Smalls: Some more of what?
Ham: No. Do you wanna s’more?
Smalls: I haven’t had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?
Ham: You’re killing me, Smalls! These are s’more stuff! Alright. Now pay attention. First you take the graham. You stick the chocolate on the graham. Then you roast the ‘mallow. When the ‘mallow’s flaming, you stick it on the chocolate. Then cover with the other end. Then you scarf. Kind of messy, but good! Try it!

Ham: PLAY BALL! Hurry up, batter. This better be a short game. I gotta get home for lunch.

Ham: You know, if my dog was as ugly as you, I’d shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards.

Squints: Where did your old man get that ball?
Smalls: I don’t know. Some lady gave it to him. She even signed her name on it. Ruth. Baby Ruth.
All: BABE RUTH?

On to the baseball notes for this week: Last season, we mentioned an ambidextrous pitcher named Pat Venditte hiding within the Yankees organization. On Tuesday, Venditte showed off his ambi-skills against the Braves, allowing only 1 run over the course of 1 1/3 innings during the 9-6 split squad loss. He took over for CC Sabathia in the 5th and switched hands depending on whether he was facing a righty or a lefty. He gave up 2 hits and a walk. He is scheduled to begin the season at Class A Tampa. Team officials have concluded that out of caution, Jose Reyes (A-hole #2) ought to focus on getting into baseball shape and not be rushed for Mets Opening Day. As you may recall, A-hole #2 had been previously idle for 3 weeks due to a hyperactive thyroid. Apparently Daniel Murphy will also open the Mets season on the disabled list with a grade 1 knee sprain, securing a spot for hottie Mike Jacobs on the Opening Day roster. For making it to Opening Day roster and having the most bitable ass in the Mets lineup, Mike Jacobs is this week’s Super Hero! Congrats, Mike! You certainly earned it! Keep doing those lunges and squat thrusts. They’re definitely paying off. By the way, can someone please explain WTF a grade 1 knee sprain is? Is there a pre-school knee sprain as well? Murphy is expected to miss 2-6 weeks. Since he has so much free time now, he should friend request us on Facebook. Rockies’ closer, Huston Street, has had another setback in his quest to overcome the stiffness in his right shoulder that has been plaguing him all spring. This is the third time that Street’s been shut down so far and he’ll naturally, open the season on the DL. We’ll be more than happy to straddle him if it’ll make his shoulder feel better. We’ll take one for the Rockies with pleasure. LHP Franklin Morales, who filled in for Street last September, will cover the 9th inning duties in the interim.

We’ll be at the Main Event on Sunday to kick off the baseball season and of course, drink beers like the classy ladies that we are *insert loud belch* and take part in devouring the Olympic Sampler.

Lisa and Papa L. will be in attendance for Mets Opening Day on Monday, April 5th. Be sure to check back sometime next week before our regularly scheduled Friday posting because she’ll be posting pictures of the game.

Finally, we’d like to wish a Happy Birthday, #1 Fan Steph & Daniel Murphy and wish all of you a very Happy Bunny-rific Easter!

Murphy vs. Jacobs: The Battle for First

In history and in fiction, there have been great battles that will stand the test of time and forever remain emblazoned on the mantle of legend and immortality: Godzilla vs. Mothra, the Jedi vs. the Dark Side, Boadicea & British Rebels vs. Roman Tyranny, Average Joe vs. the Purple Cobras, GI Joe vs. Cobra Commander, North vs. South, Gondor vs. Mordor, Tyson vs. Holyfield, Allies vs. Axis, David vs. Goliath, Joan of Arc vs. England, Queen Elizabeth’s Royal Navy vs. Spanish Armada, Indiana Jones vs. the Nazis, Rocky vs. the Russian, Alien vs. Predator, and now…Murphy vs. Jacobs.

Before we dive into the ensuing battle that will take place in Port St. Lucie this spring, let’s cover our poll results. Despite our Facebook reminder to vote that had been sent 2 days ago, we still only garnered 5 votes. Sadness. We asked you which of our Favorites was your Favorite? We’re not sure where we went wrong here. We assumed that you’d like this poll. Did we give you too many options or something? Not the right options? Anyway, the winner, with 2 votes, was “Tiny” Tim Lincecum. No surprise there as we DO have an entire holiday dedicated to him in August and he IS an honorary TBB. Who doesn’t love that gangly, shaggy haired “Freak?” The next 3 boys each earned 1 vote: Johan Santana (which we know was #1 fan, Steph), Mike Jacobs (it’s cos’ he’s hot, isn’t it?), and Ken Griffey Jr. (a bit shocking that someone as timeless as Griffey only earned 1 vote, but oh well). Apparently, no one got into Huston Street (did we mention he was very bendy?), Adam LaRoche (is it because you don’t know who he is?), Justin Morneau (apparently Serena is this man’s only stalker), Barry Zito (okay, admittedly he has not been on par with his pitching), TOWSNBN (he totally deserves having no votes), and Daniel Murphy (but he’s got that cool Irish last name and everything!).

On Tuesday, a source on ESPN.com spread the rumor that the Mets were closing in on a 1 year minor-league deal with free agent Mike Jacobs (who began his career with the Mets). Jacobs would receive an invitation to big-league spring training on a non-guaranteed contract, where he’d compete with Daniel Murphy for at bats at first base or off the bench. Yesterday, the Mets made it official. Naturally, this got us pondering about who would win in a face off between our two Favorites, Jacobs and Murphy. Let us examine the facts, shall we?

Daniel Murphy “The Defender”
We call Murphy “The Defender” since he is the current first baseman for the Mets and therefore, defending his turf. Since everyone loves offense so much, we’ll begin with the boy’s offensive numbers from last season. In 155 games, he had 508 at bats and scored 63 RBI’s on 135 hits. Of these 135 hits 38 were doubles, 4 were triples, and 12 were home runs. He walked 38 times and struck out 69 times. He ended the season with a .266 batting average, .313 OBP, .427 SLG, .741 OPS.

On defense, he started the season in left, playing 27 games in the outfield (all of which he started). Since we’re focusing on who should play first, not overall defense, we are not going to discuss his stats in left field. Therefore, moving on. He played in 101 games at first (97 in which he started), totaling 849.1 innings. In that time, he had 874 total chances, 790 put outs, committed 10 errors and participated in 81 double plays. His range factor was rated at 9.16 and his fielding percentage was .989.

Stats aren’t the only pieces of information that are important to us. We also care about personality. We don’t want another Carlos Beltran on our hands. Murphy was born on April 1, 1985 in Jacksonville, Florida. Not only is his birthday April Fools’ Day, but he also shares a birthday with our #1 fan, Steph! His number is 28, which is an even number, and as we know, Serena likes even numbers. The last name “Murphy” looks way better on the back of a t-shirt than “Jacobs” does. Most importantly, Murphy is the mascot for Serena’s Irish-themed birthday party.

Mike Jacobs “The Intruder”
We’re calling Jacobs “The Intruder” because while he did play for the Mets first, he is still invading what is currently considered “Murph’s Turf.” With Kansas City, Jacobs unfortunately spent much of the season in the DH role instead of at first. Therefore, while we will provide you with his last season’s stats, we are also going to show you his 2008 stats with the Florida Marlins, in which he played first regularly (since there is no DH role in the National League). You might think that this gives Jacobs an unfair advantage, but Murphy’s stats have not differed much between the 2008 and 2009 seasons. Also, the Marlins are not only in the same league as the Mets, but also in the same division, which gives us a better idea as to how Jacobs will perform against similar pitching in the same ballparks as Murphy has.

With KC, he batted in 128 games (but only played 15 in the field) with 434 at bats. In that time, he totaled 99 hits, 16 of them doubles, 1 triple, and 19 home runs. He had 61 RBI’s, walked 41 times, and struck out 132 times. He ended the season with a .228 average, .297 OBS, .401 SLG, and .698 OPS. In his 15 games at first, he played 112 innings with 110 total chances and 94 put outs. He committed 2 errors and participated in 13 double plays. His range factor was rated at 8.68 and his fielding percentage was .982.

In 2008, he played in 141 games (putting him closer to Murphy’s total of 135 games) with 477 at bats (again, closer to Murphy’s 508). Of his 118 hits, he hit 27 doubles, 2 triples, 32 home runs, and scored 93 RBI’s. He walked 36 times and struck out 119 times (which makes us think that his 132 strike outs with KC could be attributed to the learning curve of switching leagues). He ended the season with .247 batting average, .299 OBS, .514 SLG (87 points higher than Murphy’s SLG), and .812 OPS. In Florida, he started in 119 games at first, totaling 927.1 innings. In that time, he had 898 total chances with 825 put outs, committing 11 errors and participating in 67 double plays. His range factor and fielding percentage hasn’t varied much, which is to be expected, coming in at 8.61 and .988 respectively.

Jacobs was born October 30, 1980 (just one day prior to one of the most awesome holidays ever in which you can dress up as whomever you want). His middle name is James, which flows from the tongue fluidly. Think about it. “Michael James Jacobs, you drop your pants right now!” The best piece of trivia we’ve found thus far on the man is the fact that despite not being Jewish, on May 28, 2006, the Marlins proceeded to give out Jacobs t-shirts to young fans on Jewish Heritage Day. That is classic, ladies and gentlemen. We know how this feels firsthand because contrary to popular belief, Lisa is not Spanish. Furthermore, we’re not really how many times we have to tell you this, but he’s HOT! Unfortunately, in December 2006, Jacobs married another…not one of us…but another. Not only did he shatter our hopes by marrying a woman without dating us first, but he also had twin girls with her. So the man is married with child, which means off limits. *Sigh*

Based on playing ability, Jacobs should technically win the position. His fielding is slightly better than Murphy’s (and it should be since Jacobs is a natural first baseman whereas Murphy is a converted first baseman), but it’s his offensive power that gives him the advantage. That being said, we’re still voting for Murphy. We know that we’ve oozed compliments galore about Jacobs’ physique and overall hotness factor, but he’s married with children. We’ve had enough of young, sexy ball players up and marrying in the prime of their youth when they should be sowing their wild oats…with us. We just can’t take yet another man down in a sea of should be single baseball players (the TBB are not home wreckers. We don’t do married). Examples? Ryan Langerhans, Jeff Francoeur, Justin Morneau, Javy Lopez, we could go on here, folks. Therefore, though it pains us, we bid you farewell, you fine piece of man, Mike Jacobs. Perhaps one day, you will find yourself single again and then you can call us. Meanwhile, we believe in miracles…you sexy, sexy hunk of burning love.

Baseball Notes: King Mustache, aka: Keith Hernandez, spent 2 hours on Monday and Tuesday instructing Daniel Murphy and Nick Evans in art of playing first at the Mets’ training camp in Port St. Lucie and thank goodness for Murphy! Opposition will be rolling into town soon enough. A source informed EPSN.com that unsigned free agent Chien-Ming Wang is expected to make a decision about which team he’ll sign with in the next 7-10 days. The field has supposedly been narrowed down to the Washington Nationals (where former teammate, Brian Bruney currently plays) and one other unidentified team, which prompts us to assume that it will be the Nationals. On Wednesday, MLB.com reported that the Braves have offered Johnny Damon a 1 year deal. Financial terms have not been disclosed, but a source (always with these damn sources) indicated that the contract’s total value is less than $4 million. Really? What happened to the $20 million/2 years, Scott Boras? Jerk. However, the Braves have got some competition on their hands. Reportedly, the Tigers and Rays are also in the running to nab Damon. Yesterday was a sad day in baseball. Tom Glavine officially announced his retirement and has been hired by the Braves to be a special assistant to the team’s president, John Schuerholz. He will be working with Schuerholz on baseball and business related projects (how vague does that sound?) and occasionally assist Wren and manager, Bobby Cox. He also plans to work about once a week with the team’s radio and TV crews. Frank “The Big Hurt” Thomas also called it quits prior to receiving his lifetime achievement recognition from the Comcast SportsNet Sports Award to benefit the March of Dimes at the Hilton Chicago. He ends his career being 18th on the all time home run list. There was a snippet of rumor on MLB.com regarding the possibility of Jim Thome retiring as well, but it’s all too depressing to think about. Soon we’ll be surrounded by countless young, arrogant, and unfamiliar faces while the glory of our youth’s baseball gods retire. We’re going to become our parents! Instead of, “I remember when Ron Guidry threw 18 strikouts…,” we’ll be saying, “I remember when Aaron Boone hit the game-winning, ALCS-winning home run off of Tim Wakefield.”

Lastly, we’d like to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day. Have a lovely day.

These Are a Few of Our Favorite Things

We shed some light on our spring training regime last week and asked you which training activity you thought sounded like the most fun. Of 6 votes, the majority of you voted for planning the Jeter wedding. We figured this would be the winner, but what surprised us is that the “majority” only equaled to 2 votes. We really thought that the Jeter wedding would win unanimously. The rest of the votes were scattered among the other choices. 1 for “gazing longingly at our suitcases,” 1 for “fundraising,” 1 for “letter writing…totally can’t wait for the home run apple letter to be posted,” and 1 for “recycling for change.” Apparently no one found “pumping it up at the gym, Guido style,” “craft time,” “crunching to trashy television and Mortal Kombat,” or “watching football and drinking from yard sticks” very entertaining. Weird. We thought the whole Mortal Kombat thing was a nice touch. Oh well.

By now you may have noticed that we favor certain players, regardless of what team they play for. The list is admittedly pretty long, but when push comes to shove there are the select few that rise to the top of the pile. We have our common ground Favorites, which are players whom we share an equal amount of affection for and then there are our personal Favorites. Just because a player falls under the category of “Personal Favorite,” does not mean that he is disliked by the other member of the TBB. He’s simply not high ranking in her world of favorite professional baseball players. What makes a player become a Favorite? Several factors. It could be his charitable contributions, statistics, personality, or even something as simple as his looks. It could even be all or some of those reasons combined. The favoritism might even be based on a personal encounter with said athlete that left a lasting impression. Below, we will discuss our top Favorites and why we favor them. Then we will break down our Personal Favorites. We have only one rule for picking Favorites: the Favorite must be an active player (or else this list will get out of hand). Retired Favorites may have to be an entirely different post.

The Traveling Baseball Babes’ Favorites:
Mike Jacobs
Let us begin by stating the obvious: Mike Jacobs is HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! Billy Madison said it best when he sang, “want to touch the hiney!”

Like Adam LaRoche, who you will read about next, Jacobs’ placement amongst our Favorites has less to do with his playing abilities and more to do with our personal encounter with the man. Jacobs was the first. The first what, you ask? Our first photo. When the strapping lad played firstbase for the Mets, we met him near the right field foul pole at Shea Stadium. He was sweating, but still smelled like hot, musky man. He didn’t run from us in fear like other players who we will not list here because it’s not the right venue. He stood erect like a true man, a soldier if you will, allowed Lisa to grab his face, and smiled as Serena snapped the photo. He even signed Lisa’s jersey, which her dog, Rexysula, then peed on.

Adam LaRoche
This might sound like a strange choice as LaRoche’s abilities rest mostly on his strong defensive skills and he’s never played for either New York team. However, there is a real reason for our affection toward good ole’ LaRoche. LaRoche is the man who threw Serena’s first ball at our first baseball game together…ever. Where the Traveling Baseball Babes began you might say. You may not think this is impressive because players throw balls into the stands all the time, but this wasn’t just like all the other times. On this occasion, LaRoche actually faced us (and we know it was us because no one was standing near us) and flipped Serena the ball specifically. Granted, he had been egged on by the drunk older man standing in our section demanding that LaRoche throw a ball to the “hot ladies over here” (which was a strange description considering we were sweating through our tank tops at the time), however the point remains that he singled us out and tossed us a ball. For that, Mr. LaRoche will forever remain a Favorite.

Plus, Keith Hernandez inappropriately announced on national television that LaRoche has ADHD and we commend him for overcoming his obstacles.

Tim Lincecum
C’mon, people. We have an entire Appreciation Day dedicated to the boy. We’ve retired his number for pete’s sake. His number is the only number retired in TBB history. Must we explain further?

Johan Santana
Johan Santana’s pitching resume probably does not to be described here as it is already well-known, but we’re going to do it anyway. The 2 time AL Cy Young Award winner (2004 & 2006) and 4 time All Star boasts a career win-loss record of 122-60, an ERA of 3.12, and 1,733 strikeouts. He was named AL Pitcher of the Month in August 2002, which was also his first full month as a big-league starter. Quite the first impression. In 2004, his first Cy Young Award winning year, he became the first pitcher in more than 40 years to go 10 starts without giving up more than 4 hits or 4 runs. He also decided to sell his SUV on eBay, kindly throwing in a signed jersey for the buyer. The man’s got personality! In 2006, In addition to his second Cy Young Award, he won the Triple Crown for pitching, leading the league in wins (19), strikeouts (245), and ERA (2.77). He earned his first Gold Glove in 2007, proving that he is more than just a pitcher- he’s an athlete.

While Santana is technically attractive, it is not just his physical attributes that make him adorable. His team spirit, drive, athletic prowess, competitive fire, and all around “good guy” aura contributes to his adorableness. Not to mention, when other teammates “give up,” Santana continues to strive for excellence. Even if the team is out of playoff contention, he still shows up and endeavors to pitch a well executed game.

Furthermore, he shares a birthday with Serena. Serena officially now has an awesome birthday. Perhaps he will come to her “Go Irish” themed birthday party. Erin go bragh!

Huston Street
In 2005, Huston Street earned AL Rookie of the Year honors by posting 72 strikeouts in 78 1/3 innings pitched, opposing hitters only batting .194 against him. The only AL reliever to better Street’s ERA was Yankees’ Mariano Rivera’s 1.34. Not too shabby. Street’s fastball typically hovers in the 90-93 mph range, topping out at around 95. He also owns a sharp slider around 84-86 mph that he uses against righties and a changeup at around 81-83 that he typically throws against lefties.

As if these impressive stats weren’t sexy enough, we’ve had the privilege of seeing that man warm up in the bull pen. Needless to say, he’s very bendy. We were unaware that the male form could actually do the things that Street’s body did. Plus, Huston Street is definitely a porn star name and that just gives him extra sex appeal if that’s even possible. Yum.

Honorable Mentions: Eric Brynes, Melky Cabrera, Mariano Rivera, Bryan Roberts, Chase Utley, and Ryan Zimmerman

Lisa’s Favorites:
Daniel Murphy
You might be wondering why I picked Daniel Murphy. He hasn’t been on the team long enough to become a dynasty player. His playing in the outfield is less than desirable and he’s not exactly the best first baseman, but he’s doable for right now. In his defense, he was the team leader in home runs last season with a whopping 12. Impressive.

However, I like Murphy’s swagger. He’s a team player. When the going gets tough and after dropping many balls, he still trots out onto the field and gives his all. It might not be anyone’s best, but he certainly gives it. He also looks like a really nice guy. I also like his last name. It’s fun to shout at Citi Field and I assume, in bed. I am just throwing it out there. Only time will tell if Murphy’s going to become an MVP or an All Star, but for now his award is being my Favorite.

I really hope Murphy can make it to Serena's birthday bash which is Irish themed. What kind of Irish themed party would it be without a Murphy !!!! Serena and I have selected him to be the party's mascot, which is another reason he is my personal Favorite.

David Wright
When I first saw David Wright, I was at a game with Papa L. We were sitting up in the stands. David was fairly new to the team and of course, we were in a rain delay. So it doesn’t just haunt the TBB, it haunts me too. David went outside in the rain, holding his own umbrella and signed autographs. I thought to myself (little did I know), “What a nice a guy. Here he is in the rain signing autographs.” That moment, I thought, David had great character and I like character in a ball player. David, like Murphy, shows team spirit. Unlike Murphy, David has much better stats and is an all around good player. For the most part, with the exception of last year, he comes through in a clutch. David has been a All star selection 4x 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009. David has 2 golden gloves under his belt and is a 2x silver slugger award winner .This is probably why he is such a fan favorite . I hate to admit that he is my Favorite for fear of being one of those girls, but clearly you can see from my story above that I had grown a liking to him when he was a peon in the Mets Organization. I mean when do you see him now signing autographs at Citi Field let alone in the rain? My other reason for David being my Favorite is he is highly charitable, just not to the TBB. The David Wright Foundation provides aid and assistance toward the health, emotional development and education for children in need. David I think is a great role model for kids. I would love for him to father my children but I am aware that is NEVER going to happen and I am ok with that.

Serena’s Favorites:
Ken Griffey Jr.
When I recall sitting at my grandmother’s dining table in Williston Park eating a bowl of Cornflakes, there is only one thing I can remember about the back of that cereal box: the frozen image of Griffey’s finished swing. His smile was (and still is) infectious. Despite being raised in the household of Super Yankees Fan Mamadukes, I could not help but become infatuated with the center fielder that Griffey was (could we perhaps trace my affection for Bernie Williams back to the Mariners’ center fielder?). Even the “Jr.” at the end of his name sought a special place in my heart. Griffey is my first non-Yankees love.

Lets face it. Griffey is a well adored player spanning many generations (his major league debut coming in 1989) and deservedly so. He’s been selected to the All Star game a whopping 13 times and in 1999, earned a position on the Major League Baseball All-Century Team! A 10 time Golden Glove Award winner, 7 time Silver Slugger Award winner, and a 3 time Home Run Derby winner (1994, 1998, and 1999), Griffey is more than just a meathead who can hit home runs. Before being plagued by injuries, Griffey was a premier center fielder. An all around fantastic athlete. Rare in an age where offense alone puts fans in the stands. On August 22, 2007, Griffey was selected as an all-time Gold Glove winner, a list of nine players considered to be the greatest defensive players in the last fifty years (including Johnny Bench, Willie Mays, Roberto Clemente, and Greg Maddux). It was Griffey, not McGwire or Sosa, that I wanted to break Roger Maris’ record in 1998. I am sure that I wasn’t the only one.

Justin Morneau
You’ve probably heard me refer to Morneau as my “beloved” several times by now and I am sure you’ve thought the reference a strange one, if not mildly psychotic. Or incredibly psychotic…whichever. What drew me to the Twins’ first baseman? Well, what draws me to most players? Outstanding defense. Yes, the 2006 AL MVP and 3 time All Star is a highly recognized offensive player, being a 2 time Silver Slugger Award winner and 2008 Home Run Derby champ, squeaking past Josh Hamilton in the final round and effectively proving that slow and steady sometimes really does win the race (not to mention, becoming the first Canadian ever to win the Home Run Derby). And yes. One of the sexiest things about him is how his batting stance fills the box perfectly and how his swing is textbook, art in motion. Look at the picture I chose to include of him. Look at his follow through. If I took that picture to my old high school hitting coach, he’d tell me to emulate that swing. It’s beautiful. It can make a girl weak in the knees, I tell you. But what I love best about Morneau is his abilities at first. It truly disgusted me that a defenseman of his caliber played alternate to David Ortiz, above all people, in 2008. Really, people???

Besides, one of his favorite baseball players is Ken Griffey Jr. Clearly, great minds think alike. Now if only he wasn’t married… ; )

Barry Zito
By now, I think I’ve made it perfectly clear over the course of my blogging with Lisa that I would love to get my hands on this man. You may watch him pitch now and assume that my favoritism for Zito stemmed strictly from his looks. You’d be partly right. The first thing I noticed about him was his face…and what a deliciously scruffy face it was that first time I saw him pitch in the ALDS against the Red Sox in 2003. However, after the initial “oh, who is that yummy man” awe wore off, my fascination switched from his face to his incredible curve ball. To quote the overused cliché, the pitch just “rolled off the table,” stupefying seasoned hitters like Manny Ramirez and the previously mentioned, Ortiz. It was smitten at first sight. As many of you may have noticed, there is a distinction between Oakland Zito (whom became the initial object of my affection) and San Francisco Zito. In 2002, Oakland Zito posted a 23-5 record and earned AL Cy Young honors, narrowly defeating the illustrious Pedro Martinez. He had never missed a scheduled start and led the American League in starts on four occasions. He threw 200 or more innings in each of his 6 full seasons with the A’s, giving him work horse status. He also had a streak of 14 consecutive starts (and 20 out of 21) in which he gave up fewer hits than innings pitched! I’d say he earned his contract, no? Then in 2006, Oakland Zito replaced his agent Arn Tellem with the Devil himself: Scott Boras.

Boras negotiated a 7-year deal for the now San Francisco Zito worth $126 million, plus $18 million option for 2014 with a $7 million buyout. At that time, San Francisco Zito’s contract became the highest for any pitcher in Major League history. This is where things begin to get a bit cringe worthy. In 2008, Zito ended his streak of having never missed a scheduled start! What’s worse is that the drop in velocity of his fastball (which was never very high to begin with) and loss of command in his curve ball became extremely problematic and even prompted management to temporarily move Zito to the bull pen at the end of April. He finally collected his first win of the season at the end of May. Good grief. Fortunately, in 2009 San Francisco Zito showed signs of Oakland Zito. He did begin the season with an ERA of 10 (yikes!), but managed to work it back to down to an acceptable 4.03. He only posted a 10-13 record, but he was the victim of poor run support, touting the second lowest in the majors. We can attribute the rebound in his pitching performance to an increased velocity on his fast ball and finally regaining control on that gorgeous curve ball of his. We can only hope that this carries over to the 2010 season. Come home, Zito. Come home. We miss your former self.

Lastly, despite the his issues these last few years with the Giants, there is one piece of Zito’s life that will by far endear him to me the most and that is his charity, Strikeout for Troops, which provides money to hospitals for soldiers wounded in military operations.

We don’t have much to write about this week in terms of baseball happenings, but nevertheless, we now faithfully bring you to our baseball notes: Serena’s favorite first baseman, Justin Morneau will be one of several Canadians receiving the honor of carrying the Olympic Torch leading up to the Vancouver games. This just adds to Morneau’s hotness level. Other honorees include Sidney Crosby, Steve Nash, and Shania Twain.

On Thursday, Justin Verlander and the Detroit Tigers finalized a deal that avoided an awkward salary arbitration heading. Verlander, who would’ve eligible for free agency following the 2011 World Series, tied the majors for most wins last season with 19 and led the league with 269 strikeouts, 240 logged innings, and 35 starts. The 2006 AL Rookie of the Year also posted a career best 3.45 ERA. The $80 million/5 year contract includes a $500,000 signing bonus, $6.75 million this season, $12.7 million next year, and $20 million in each of the following years of the contract.

Finally, in case you haven’t noticed, the TBB has been blogging openly for exactly 1 year tomorrow. Happy Anniversary to us!
Sarah McLachlan encompassed our feelings for our lovely Favorites when she wrote, “Your baseball qualities are better than ice cream, they’re better than anything else that we’ve tried…even sausage sandwiches.”

TBB Spring Training

Last week’s blog was admittedly a ridiculous fake letter to Daniel Murphy. In spirit of this ridiculousness, we asked you if thought it would be an awesome idea if Murphy sent us a friend request on Facebook. For some reason, only 4 of you chose to provide input. Are you saying that this poll was not worth voting on? We find that a little insulting, but we did give you an extremely stupid blog last week, so maybe we deserved that. The good news is that all 4 voters felt that he should totally friend request us! We seem pretty harmless and after all and our BFFer is that guy from Oakland, so clearly we’re trust worthy baseball player friends. You hear that, Murphy? We’re totally trust worthy! We’ll be expecting your friend request in our inbox by tomorrow morning. Thanks.

At blogging time, Spring Training is only 25 short days away and MLB Opening Day is exactly 65 days from now! We’re so excited that we can practically taste those grilled hot dogs and Premio sausage sandwiches already! Since our whole purpose for this blog depends heavily on the season starting, we figured you might be wondering how the TBB prepare for the regular season every year. Well, we’ve laid out our training regime in all its glory for you. Without further delay, we present to you “TBB Spring Training:”
It goes without saying that we plan as much of our stadium touring vacations as we possibly can without actually being able to book anything until regular season tickets go on sale. We routinely check airfares, hotel availability, and team schedules (including their promotional schedule). We also sign up for the teams’ mailing list that we plan on traveling to (in this season’s case, Angels, Dodgers, and Padres) just so that we’re on the up and up as to when tickets go on sale. Of course, we also monitor ticket sales for the Mets and Yankees as they are our teams of choice. In the meantime, we wait patiently and gaze longingly at our suitcases…
Touring stadiums is hard work. There’s a lot of walking involved, carrying suitcases up flights of stairs when your hotels don’t have elevators, etc. There’s also a lot of picturing taking involved. Not just for the memories, but we write this blog with the purpose of sharing these stadiums with you…our 2 readers. Therefore, it’s imperative that we put the best foot forward, make a good impression, blah blah blah. What does this mean? We have to hit the gym in order to be in peak stadium touring form. Do you have any idea how much food and beer we intake over the course of a baseball season? Enough to warrant a gym membership trust us. Besides, if we didn’t hit the weights, there’s no way we would’ve been able to lug our overweight suitcases up three flights of stairs at the Inn at Queen Anne in Seattle.
As we’ve mentioned in previous blogs, we collect spare change to put toward our stadium trips. This year, we’ve added depositing recyclables to our penny pinching ways. This means stealing empty bottles from the office’s lunch meetings, saving our used water bottles, collecting Brother’s beer bottles and cans, and lugging plastic bags filled with this recyclable garbage to Stop n Shop’s deposit center on our lunch breaks.
Fred K’s Cancer is also a new addition to this off season. In order to raise money, we’ve decided to make cancer ribbons, bracelets, chocolate pops, and cookies to sell. All of this craftiness requires supplies, which in turn leads to countless trips to the various AC Moore and Michael’s locations around Long Island.
On an additional Fred K’s Cancer fundraising related note, after purchasing the aforementioned craft supplies, we’ve been put them to good use and have started selling these items! We’ve been quite successful with this aspect of the campaign so far, though we do admit that straight donations have been scarce. Hopefully, this will pick up as we get closer to the baseball season and have more opportunities to advertise the event.
The past few months have also been dedicated toward gearing up for the Ab Crunch Challenge to support St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. You may recall that last year, Serena completed over 5,000 crunches in one hour and raised over $500 for the cause. 5,000 crunches meant that Lisa had to click the unyielding button on the counter over 5,000 times. That is some serious thumb endurance if you ask us! Again, stamina such as this takes time and effort to build. Serena has spent many nights crunching her abs away while watching Secret Diary of a Call Girl and Supernatural, while Lisa has been building thumb strength by playing countless hours of Mortal Kombat on her old Sega Genesis. It’s been grueling, but we’re professionals so we can handle this kind of physical stress. Please, for your safety, amateurs should not attempt this.
In a less serious form of off season training, you may have noticed that the TBB have become avid letter writers. The weird thing is that we never actual send these letters to the individuals, but once in awhile we do post the extra special ones here...much to your joy, we’re sure. In addition to the David Wright letters and last week’s Murphy letter, we’ve written letters to Barry Zito, Mr. Met, Jose Reyes, the mayor of DC, and bad luck Laurie for wearing white pants after Labor Day. We find that letter writing, especially when directed toward players, keeps us in touch with our thoughts and feelings on the sport. Even our letter to DC’s mayor was related to baseball in that we wrote it with the purpose of discussing our road trip to RFK Stadium. And while white pants after Labor Day doesn’t have a whole lot to do with baseball, Laurie is a Mets fan and that should count for something. We are currently planning to write a letter to the Mets organization demanding the reinstatement of the original home run apple. Just so you’re aware. Keep your eyes peeled.
To pass the endless, empty time without baseball, we turn to football. In this area, our New York Giants failed to appease the hunger for quality competitive sports, but thankfully, Mark Sanchez and the Jets stepped up to the plate, if only for two rounds of post season action. That’s nothing to be ashamed about, Mark! You did a fine job, especially considering no one expected you to make it as far as you did. Sadly, the February 7th Super Bowl will signal an end to this favorite activity of ours. We’ll have to find something else to fill the time with…like eating.
In addition to fundraising, prepping mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually for the upcoming baseball season, and getting our finances in order to pay for the upcoming baseball season, we’re also excellent party planners. It’s true. Derek Jeter has even gone so far as to hire us as his wedding coordinators. We’re aware that there are numerous rumors circling about how the wedding is a hoax, but we assure you that on November 5, 2010, Derek (we’re on a first name basis with him now) will be marrying Minka Kelly at Oheka Castle on Long Island. Trust us. We would never lie to you. As those of you who’ve been involved with weddings before know, planning a wedding is never an easy ordeal. It’s even more difficult when dealing with a wedding of this magnitude and celebrity status! The guest list and the invites alone have been time consuming, what with some of the premier names being Jay-Z, Sarah Jessica Parker, CC Sabathia, Don Mattingly, Kate Beckinsale, President Obama and Michelle, Spiderman, the Traveling Baseball Babes, Erin and Matt…It’s just exhausting! Plus the flowers, decorations, Minka’s dress, party favors, assorted pastries, and the shipment of snow white doves all of the way from England! Needless to say, we’ve had our hands full with this one.
Finally, the moment you real sports fans have been waiting for! Actual baseball related news! This week’s baseball notes: It appears that Baltimore and Miguel Tejada will be reuniting! On Monday, ESPN.com announced that Tejada has agreed to a 1 year/$6 million deal with the Orioles. With Melvin Mora’s release and the expectation that Cesar Izturis will remain at short stop, Tejada is joining the team in a new role: third baseman. According to Tejada, he’s been “mentally and physically…getting ready to play third base since the season ended last year.” Well…the good news is that he’s prepared.

In somewhat perplexing news, Ozzie Guillen informed Jim Thome that the White Sox wouldn’t be offering him a chance to be included among the team’s cast of designated hitters. Guillen didn’t think that he could guarantee Thome enough at bats to warrant bringing him back. In place of Thome (a Chicago fan favorite, mind you and let’s be serious. Who can blame them?), Guillen plans on rotating Paul Konerko, Andruw Jones, Mark Kotsay, and Omar Vizquel in the DH spot. So…you’d rather have a “douche nozzle” (to quote Matt) like Jones in the lineup over Thome. We’re thinking the White Sox will probably be kicking themselves by the end of the season thanks to this one. Especially since Thome remained unemployed for a mere evening as the White Sox’s arch division nemesis, the Twins, snapped him up the following day. The Twins and Thome have agreed to a 1 year/$1.5 million contract. Of his 564 career home runs, Thome has hit 57 of them with the White Sox against the Twins. Wonder how the White Sox pitching will fare when facing their former teammate? Hmmmm…makes us contemplate wanting to return to US Cellular just to witness that comeback.

In former Mets and Yankees news, Xavier Nady has agreed to a 1 year/$3.3 million contract with the Cubs that include performance bonuses that could potentially bring his earnings to $5.35 million. Last season, Nady had a second round of Tommy John surgery on his right arm and is reportedly doing well in rehab. He will be missed. Hopefully, he’ll never pull a Milton Bradley and throw a live ball into the stands, allowing runners to advance. We’re not sure Cubs fans will be able to deal with another scenario like that.

On Tuesday at the Mets’ voluntary mini camp, Johan Santana threw off the mound for the first time since his surgery and said that he “felt good.” He threw about 25 pitches over the course of 6 minutes. Granted, neither of us are professional athletes, much less professional pitchers. In fact, the closest either of us has come to pitching was Serena standing on a softball mound during an “infield conference” prior to a game starting. Neither of us have ever had surgery on our arms either, so we’re not really sure how to judge a 6 minute throwing session that consisted of 25 pitches, but we’re thinking that if he didn’t feel good afterwards, it would probably be considered a serious problem. The Mets announced on Wednesday that (for now) Daniel Murphy is their first option for first base as Carlos Delgado and Fernando Tatis are both free agents. Murphy was the only position player to attend mini camp this week, which is a bit disgusting if you ask us. Don’t you people want to prepare for the upcoming season?! You’re paid an awful lot of money not to show up to mini camp. Good job, Murphy! We commend you for your dedication.

At long last, Serena’s dream appears to be coming true. The Yankees have agreed to terms with outfielder Randy Winn that is, of course, pending a physical, filling the empty gap in left field. The deal is $2 million for 1 year. What does this mean? It means that Johnny Damon is left in the cold. Last reports indicated that negotiations between the Yankees and Damon’s camp fizzled in December when Damon’s agent, Scott “Satan’s Minion” Boras, requested a $2 year/$20 million contract. Are you insane? $20 million for a man who can’t throw to the infield and will be 38 when his 2 year contract ends? Boras, have you learned nothing from that AROD free agency fiasco? You’re a true NTAC. Put the crack pipe down. Just put it down.

Let’s play the numbers game in order to hypothesize how the Yankees’ business decision played out. Let’s talk money first. Winn will get $2 million for 1 year. Damon asked for $20 million for 2 years. If we give Winn the second year and double his earnings, that puts him at $4 million. Clearly Damon’s asking fee could potentially send most budgets out of whack. Plus, taking a chance on an older outfield for 1 season isn’t nearly as risky as taking the chance for 2 seasons. Now for the offensive numbers. There is no doubt that the Yankees will miss Damon’s bat at the top of the lineup. In the 2009 regular season, the left handed hitter had 550 at bats in 143 games with a .282 average. He collected 155 hits, 24 home runs, 11 doubles, 5 triples, 71 walks, 98 strike outs, and 82 RBI’s. Winn is more of a “bottom of the lineup” kind of guy. In 2009, Winn had 538 at bats in 149 games (similar to Damon, which makes these stats pretty comparable) with a .262 average. He amassed 151 hits, 2 home runs (Yikes! A vast difference from Damon’s 24), 33 doubles (more than double Damon’s total, we’d like to point out), 5 triples, 47 walks, 93 strikeouts, and 51 RBI’s. Again, there is a huge gap between Damon’s 82 RBI total and Winn’s 51. However, if you think about the Giants offensive power and compare it to that of the Yankees’, it’s not really a fair comparison. The Yankees more than likely gave Damon more RBI opportunities than the Giants gave Winn. That being said, the Yankees are still losing a bat that launched 24 balls out of the park. One good thing that Winn brings to the plate is his ability to hit from both sides, whereas Damon only batted from the left. With the loss of Melky Cabrera, Winn’s flexibility at the plate provides Girardi more options. Lastly, defensive numbers. We’re aware that the glitz and glamour of the game comes from a heavy bat, but we feel (Serena in particular) that defense is just as important as offense. If your defense allows more runs than you can score, what good is it? Granted, we’re not looking for the King of Defense in the left field position, but we are asking that you play your position competently and by competent we mean not allowing runners to advance to an extra base because your throwing arm is worth crap. In 132 games in 2009, Damon had 231 “total chances (TC)” over the course of 1,117.2 innings. In that time, he committed 220 “put outs (PO),” 6 assists, and 5 errors. His “range factor (RF)” has been rated as 1.82 and his fielding percentage comes to .978 on the season. In 146 games and 1,191 innings, Winn had 287 TC. In that time, he committed 282 PO, 5 assists, and 0 errors (note: in more opportunities, Winn committed zero errors compared to Damon’s 5)! His RF is also rated higher than Damon’s at 2.17 and his fielding percentage was a perfect 1.000 on the season. Obviously, most people are going to lament the loss of Damon’s offensive capabilities, but Serena couldn’t be more pleased about the defensive situation. It is quite feasible that Winn’s fielding abilities may prevent more runs from being scored off of Yankees’ pitching, which Damon may have allowed. Just saying.