Friday, July 9, 2010

“Cos’ You Told Me To, Drill Sergeant”

You may or may not have noticed that we blatantly disregarded reporting the results of last week’s poll (in which we asked you who you felt would make the best MLB manager). To be perfectly honest, we didn’t even notice that we forgot to until a few days ago cos’ we’re that brand of special. Therefore, we’ll give you the results of this week’s poll along with last week’s today. Last week, 7 of you chimed in regarding best MLB manager. Alarmingly, no one voted for King Julian. We strongly feel that if Maurice was here, he would’ve voted for King Julen. Probably Mort as well. 2 people voted for The Mexican (though we must admit that this statistic is skewed slightly because Serena is one of those votes. Because she thought she was funny). #1 Fan Steph voted for Lisa and the rest of the votes went to Serena, which means that it’s time for the Mets to take her letter seriously and start implementing her genius plans of action. Or pay her to implement them.

Our most recent poll referenced those darling Twins fans who agreed to pose for a photograph with us in the parking lot of Citi Field. We wanted to know if our readers were as nice as these Twins fans and asked you if you would’ve stopped and posed for a photo with us. Turns out…you borderline hate us. 1 person actually voted for “No. You two are pretty much the biggest assholes I’ve ever seen.” No joke. That option legitimately earned a vote. Maybe you don’t understand what sarcasm is about. That choice was suppose to make you laugh, not inspire you to select it. Jeez. 1 person said, “Maybe…what is that stench?” So…even in our photos, we smell bad. Comforting. Good to know. Finally, 1 person said, “Yes, if you let me rub up against you.” This is either #1 Fan Steph taking pity on us or this person is a pervert. If he (or she) is a pervert, we’ll take it because any pervert is better than the person who thinks we’re assholes.

Our favorite event of the All Star Break has always been the Home Run Derby. We personally find it to be the most entertaining. Who doesn’t love watching home runs? Plus, its participants usually belong there because they’ve consistently proven their ability to hit the long ball. This is not a popularity contest. It’s a contest of pure muscle and hitting power. Now batting, this year’s Home Run Derby Contestants:

David Ortiz (Boston)
Miguel Cabrera (Detroit)
Vernon Wells (Toronto)
Corey Hart (Milwaukee)
Matt Holliday (St. Louis)

TBB Picks for the Winner:
Serena says Holliday
Lisa says Cabrera

Without further ado, behold your All Star Teams for 2010! Below, we’ve presented you with the rosters as they appear at blogging time. We feel that we’ve got to specify this because things could change between now and Tuesday and we don’t want to hear complaints from you that we’ve lied. We understand that we’ve fabricated entire stories for you in the past, but this is not one of those circumstances. We assure you that we’ve gotten this information from a reliable source. Lisa will then take a crack at dissecting (and by dissecting, we mean that she’ll either bitch about the choices made or applaud them) the National League’s starting lineup, while Serena will take on the American League’s. Since you’ve made it clear by your votes that you feel that Serena would make a good MLB manager, you should take what she has to say to heart. Just throwing it out there. You can choose to catch it or drop it. It should also be noted that neither of us voted for anybody to go to the All Star Game in protest of this ridiculous popularity contest, so technically we have zero right to bitch. We repeat: not one vote was placed on behalf of either member of the TBB.

Starting Lineup:

Yadier Molina (St. Louis) C
Albert Pujols (St. Louis) 1B
Chase Utley (Philadelphia) 2B* replaced by Martin Prado (Atlanta) due to injury
David Wright (New York) 3B
Hanley Ramirez (Florida) SS
Ryan Braun (Milwaukee) OF
Jason Heyward (Atlanta) OF
Andre Ethier (Los Angeles) OF


Jonathan Broxton (Los Angeles)
Chris Carpenter (St. Louis)
Matt Capps (Washington)
Yovani Gallardo (Milwaukee)* replaced by Heath Bell (San Diego) due to injury
Roy Halladay (Philadelphia)
Tim Hudson (Atlanta)
Ubaldo Jimenez (Colorado)
Josh Johnson (Florida)
Tim Lincecum (San Francisco)
Evan Meek (Pittsburgh)
Arthur Rhodes (Cincinnati)
Adam Wainwright (St. Louis)
Brian Wilson (San Francisco)


Brian McCann (Atlanta) C
Ryan Howard (Philadelphia) 1B
Adrian Gonzalez (San Diego) 1B
Omar Infante (Atlanta) INF
Troy Tulowitzki (Colorado) SS* replaced by Jose Reyes (New York)
Brandon Phillips (Cincinnati) 2B
Scott Rolen (Cincinnati) 3B
Michael Bourn (Houston) OF
Marlon Byrd (Chicago) OF
Corey Hart (Milwaukee) OF
Matt Holliday (St. Louis) OF
Chris Young (Arizona) OF

Final Roster Spot: Joey Votto (Cincinnati)

**Notes on the National League Roster: Jason Heyward is still questionable as to whether or not he’ll participate in the All Star Game. He had been placed on the 15-day DL due to a deep bone bruise in his left thumb (scheduled to return next week). He plans on taking batting practice this weekend when the Braves play the Mets at Citi Field. If successful, Heyward will play on Tuesday.

Starting Lineup:

Joe Mauer (Minnesota) C
Justin Morneau (Minnesota) 1B
Robinson Cano (New York) 2B
Evan Longoria (Tampa Bay) 3B
Derek Jeter (New York) SS
Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle) OF
Josh Hamilton (Texas) OF
Carl Crawford (Tampa Bay) OF
Valdimir Guerrero (Texas) DH


Clay Buchholz (Boston)* replaced by Andy Pettitte (New York) due to injury
Trevor Cahill (Oakland)
Fausto Carmona (Cleveland)
Neftali Feliz (Texas)
Phil Hughes (New York)
Cliff Lee (Seattle)
Jon Lester (Boston)
David Price (Tampa Bay)
Mariano Rivera (New York)* replaced by Rafael Soriano (Tampa Bay) due to nagging injuries
CC Sabathia (New York)* replaced by Jered Weaver (Anaheim) due to ineligibility
Joakim Soria (Kansas City)
Matt Thornton (Chicago)
Jose Valverde (Detroit)


Victor Martinez (Boston) C* replaced by John Buck (Toronto) due to injury
Miguel Cabrera (Detroit) 1B
Dustin Pedroia (Boston) 2B* replaced by Ian Kinsler (Texas) due to injury
Elvis Andrus (Texas) SS
Alex Rodriguez (New York) 3B
Adrian Beltre (Boston) 3B
Ty Wigginton (Baltimore) INF
Torii Hunter (Anaheim) OF
Vernon Wells (Toronto) OF
Jose Bautista (Toronto) OF
David Ortiz (Boston) DH

Final Roster Spot: Nick Swisher (New York)

**Notes on the American League Roster: The new rule imposed regarding pitchers in the All Star Game states that “pitchers who work the final game before the break are ineligible to be on the active roster of an All Star squad.” Sabathia will pitch against the Mariners’ Rowland-Smith on Sunday, therefore he’s been replaced by Weaver. Strangely, Weaver is also scheduled to pitch on Sunday, against Oakland’s Sheets. At blogging time, we’re uncertain as to whether or not Weaver will remain an eligible replacement for Sabathia.

Lisa agrees with the following NL selected players: Molina, Pujols, Utley, Ramirez and Braun.

She would’ve replaced Ethier with Jeff Francouer simply because he’s Frenchy Boy and while TOWSNBN is her future husband (who refuses to acknowledge her), she would’ve gone with Ryan Zimmerman at third. If she had to exchange anyone else in the starting lineup, it would’ve been Pujols for Adrian Gonzalez, but she’s satisfied in the fact that Gonzalez is a member of the reserves.

For the American League, we’re pretty sure that no one is going to question whether or not Serena agrees with the fans’ choice for first base. It should be understood. In terms of the starting lineup, the only player that Serena would not have cast a vote for is Ichiro Suzuki, but that decision would not have been based on talent/performance. It would’ve been based purely on personal animosity against that man. When visiting Seattle, Suzuki callously stole one of the banana nut muffins that she had taken from the hotel’s free breakfast buffet. Because of him, she went hungry for an entire day, which is ridiculous because he’s obviously not hurting for cash. We hadn’t mentioned this previously because the action did not jeopardize our enjoyment of Safeco Field, but now that the subject of her hatred is coming into question, we feel that it’s important information to share with you. In any case, she loyally would’ve voted for Torii Hunter as she’s done every year since his arrival upon the MLB scene. Thankfully, Hunter is at least a member of the reserve team. Additionally, her third OF vote would have typically gone to Ken Griffey Jr. (as it always has since the day she began voting for the All Star Game), but since he’s no longer playing (*sniffle*), Hamilton is an acceptable replacement. And just so we’re clear, she would’ve voted for Jeter…begrudgingly.

In unrelated news, our time period for accepting donations for this year’s Fred K’s Cancer event has drawn to a close. We successfully raised $2,400 to be split between the Oral Cancer Foundation and Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Foundations! Each organization will receive $1,200. The checks were mailed this week and should be arriving sometime early next week. Many thanks to all who participated and supported the event. Without your help, our it would not have been as successful as it was. We look forward to filing for non-profit status in the upcoming months and planning for next year’s event!

Now that Fred K’s Cancer has come to an end (for now), the time to save boobs is upon us. Serena has registered for Long Island’s Making Strides Against Breast Cancer for the second year in a row and will be walking in memory of Grannydukes. Click here to view her personal fundraising page and to read more about Grannydukes and how to support breast cancer research. If you’d like to save boobs one dollar at a time, be sure to hit the little donate button at the bottom of the page. You can also access this page from the side bar as well as in our “Meet Serena” page located beneath the blog’s title box.

Since he’s a member of the American League’s starting lineup and looks damn sexy, sexy in the picture we have posted, Joe Mauer will remain the reigning TBB Super Hero of the Week…for the third straight week. Before you judge us, no. We’re not keeping him just because we’re too lazy to come up with someone new. He just deserves the title, okay? What’s wrong with that?

Let’s allow Scandal to ring in the upcoming All Star Break with, “hitting balls over the wall, bang, bang. You are an All Star Warrior. You’re an All Star and heart to heart, you’ll win.”

BallHype: hype it up!

1 comment:

  1. I agree with Lisa - Miguel Cabrera will win the home run derby!