1 Twins Way
Minneapolis, MN 55403
May 23, 2011: For the first time in our traveling career, we flew Frontier Airlines. There’s a lot wrong with that airline, but we’re not going to even go into that right now because this post is supposed to be about Target Field. We’ll cover that in a separate special edition blog posting. For starters, we couldn’t find a direct flight to Minneapolis, which means in order to get to our Twins game, the two worst flyers in history had to take two flights. Serena wore her “Goonies Never Say Die” t-shirt for luck.
Gonzo and Camilla were sitting in the seats next to us. We were scared.
Nevertheless, we made it inside and headed down to field level to observe batting practicing, thinking that this could be the chance for Serena to meet her Future Husband (Lisa giving up on the hope of meeting Joe Mauer for obvious reasons).
Bored by the Mariners, we decided to check out what this stadium had to offer in terms of food. We already knew we were eating a hot dog because the stadium PA system kindly notified us that Monday was “$1 Hot Dog Mondays!” You can buy up to 2 $1 hot dogs from any Taste of Twins Territory stand as long as quantities last. As soon as we heard that announcement, we added hot dogs to our list of things to eat at Target Field. But we wanted to experience something unique to Target Field or at the very least, to Minneapolis. So we wandered the concourse. We found a mobile Asian Wok stand along the way that offered fans something we’ve never seen at a stadium before and that something made Serena giddy. That, our friends, is the glorious Sriracha sauce.
Prior to the game, the Twins held a beautiful ceremony to honor Killebrew. It included a video montage, featuring Twins’ current players talking about what Killebrew meant to them and while the players gathered around Killebrew’s number, manager, Ron Gardenhire spoke about his memory and class.
The game got underway shortly after the ceremony. Our pitching matchup was Carl Pavano (ass clown) and Jason Vargas. Each time Pavano and his a-hole moustache took the mound, Serena never failed to say, “I f*cking hate him. He’s an ass clown. I hope he gets herpes. He’s f*cking useless.” Jack Cust started the offense off by hitting a 2-run home run that scored Ichiro Suzuki. Of course, the home run prompted Serena to mutter, “f*cking useless.”
In the bottom of the 1st, Denard Span answered with a lead-off solo shot to right field. The scoreboard shot off fireworks, which Serena missed taking a picture of because she was too busy keeping score in our notebook! The Mariners would retaliate immediately in the 2nd with Chris Giminez’s RBI double to right field. At the close of the 2nd, the score was 4-1. Naturally, all this note taking and booing of Pavano made us hungry (plus, we needed to get rid of the ass taste of the hot dogs out of our mouths), so we decided to hit up a nearby Brat stand (we’re told that the Midwest is known for the brats). Lisa got a polish sausage and Serena got a bratwurst. Both were $7, grilled, came with grilled onions and sauerkraut, and were served on a sesame seeded bun.
So remember that Thome sign we directed you to? Jim Thome hit #592 in the bottom of the 4th and boy, was that an f’n BOMB. The 2-run shot to right field traveled a total of 465 feet and made the score 4-3. Now familiar with what a home run brings at Target Field, Serena readied her camera immediately. Unfortunately, these are the photos she managed to get:
In the top of the 7th, we spotted TC Bear (with the pedophile Ronald McDonald) wandering the concourse behind right field. Needless to say, we booked it like fat kids chasing cake. Of course, we purposefully avoided taking a picture with Ronald McDonald.
We did promise to give a little shout out to Bryan (hopefully, he spells it this way and not “Brian”) and Pete, two Twins fans we met on Tuesday night at Prohibition, the rooftop bar at the Foshay Tower of the W Hotel. They were loads of fun and saved us from being harassed by a creeptastic man who tried to molest Lisa.
One more thing that we need to point out is that either we’re the Masters of Disguise or the population of Minneapolis is completely clueless as to what the Twins are doing on any given day. Everywhere we went in that city, we were peppered with one or all of the following questions:
“Are the Twins back in town?”
“Are the Twins playing tonight?”
“What time is the game?”
“Did the Twins win?” (Note: the game hadn’t even been played yet)
What’s the deal here?? Just because your team’s having a terrible season, doesn’t mean you pretend they don’t exist! They were in the playoffs just last year, people!