Italian Sausage

Last week, Serena was solo (hence, the word “vagina” being used twice without any sort of quality control). MLB had begun its campaign for the All Star Game already, so Serena asked how you guys voted. 5 people said that they sit with the ballot and carefully think about each option before selecting the player they deem most appropriate. 2 individuals said that the use The Force. No one said that they pick the most popular players (in fact, they don’t know why that they’re not allowed to still vote for Ken Griffrey Jr.) and no one didn’t understand question and wouldn’t respond.
  

You might be wondering about what today’s blog theme is about. Italian sausage? Really? Are they talking about food AGAIN. Well…sort of. While watching last night’s Yankees game against the Royals, Alex Rodriguez stepped up to the plate. Here’s how our conversation went:

Lisa: Wow, he’s got some big thighs.

Serena (smacking her own chunk-tastic thighs): The curse of third base.

(Rodriguez adjusts his man-junk area)
Lisa: And apparently so is his junk.
Serena: Ya know, he looks like he’s huge.
Lisa: Yeah. He looks like he’s hung.

This got us thinking…who ELSE looks like he’s packing heat? In defense of this topic, they do have lists of baseball’shottest girlfriends/wives. Why can we cover…sausages? Disclaimer: we should note that we’ve never seen ANY of these private male parts that we’re discussing. This is strictly opinion.

For example, we’re pretty sure that Albert Pujols has a baby’s arm in his pants. In fact, to quote Lisa, “he probably has to roll it up in order to tuck it into his cup.” Wish we took video of this demonstration. At one point, she flung “it” over her shoulder and wrapped it around her leg. We’d go so far as to assume that Pujols is the biggest in the league. Hall of Fame worthy. We’re also confident that Brian Wilson is hung, BUT he has his beard in his pants, which is a serious problem. It’s like a thick, wooded area without civilization that will take you at least 45 minutes to find your way out of. Truly terrifying. The only way it could get scarier is if it was red. Other men that we’ve decided are well-endowed are Joe Mauer, Ryan Howard, CC Sabathia (he looks like a f*cking grizzly bear), Mike Jacobs (even though he’s no longer playing), Brian McCann, Tim Hudson, Matt Holliday, and unfortunately, Carlos Beltran. This might be the only thing that Beltran has going for him because his personality sucks and so does mole. Oh, yes, AND his taste in music.

We briefly discussed one of New York’s Golden Boys (TOWSNBN).
Lisa: I don’t think he’s long, but…
Serena: I think he’s stocky…
Lisa: YES!
Serena: Like his body…
Lisa: EXACTLY!
To clarify, stocky=girthy.

Now for the boys we think have more of a string bean in their pants than a sausage. We’re thinking that New York’s OTHER Golden Boy, Derek Jeter, has a long, but thin noodle…just based on his body. A long, lean noodle. Unfortunately, we think that our honorary TBB, Tim Lincecum, might be small as well. He just looks like he physically couldn’t handle carrying around a Louisville Slugger in his pants. He’d topple over and royally f*ck up his delivery to the plate. Other players that we think are small are Matt Cain, Cole Hamels (and this truly does pain Lisa to think this), Josh Beckett, Dustin Pedroia, Ichiro Suzuki (he’s probably built like Mr. Chow), Jeff Franceour (we’re sad to admit this), and Jose Reyes. Lisa would like to issue a challenge to Hamels to prove to her that he doesn’t have a small Twinkie.

There were a few that we couldn’t decide on. Jayson Werth, for one. He could easily go either way, but he may smell…down there. Like a men’s lockerroom. Justin Verlander is hard to tell also, but we think he probably smells nicer…down there. NOT like a men’s lockeroom. David Ortiz seems like he’s either enormous or really small. Other unknowns: Joey Votto, Josh Hamilton, and Barry Zito. Barry Zito’s a big boy, but he’s rocked a comb-over. A comb-over may indicate a small taquito. That’s just two girls’ opinions.

Huston Street belongs in the average sausage category, but he knows how to work it. We once sat in the left field bleachers at the old Yankees Stadium and watched his warm up. Trust us when we say that “the hips do not lie.” That man can do things with his body that no man can do. There are women (us included—and Serena practices yoga) who cannot do what Huston Street can do.

In non-sausage related news, the TBB have decided to run in the Runyon 5K at Yankees Stadium in August. We get to run the warning track. How bad a$$ is that? We probably would’ve done ANY 5K being held at a baseball stadium within driving distance, but it’s a bonus that it’s taking place at one of the New York stadiums. Here’s a brief background on our running capabilities: Serena ran her first 5K last week at the Bronx Zoo. While running 3.1 miles isn’t something that Serena isn’t physically capable of completing relatively easily, she has the attention span of a toddler. In fact, at the Bronx Zoo, the only reason why Serena finished without running off to look at the monkeys is that she ran the entire thing with her cousin, Sara, a cross-country runner. Now we’re going to be running through a stadium, a course that includes being on the field. We’re probably going to lose Serena to the Yankees dugout or bullpen…or closest hot dog stand. Lisa has never run in any sort of race whatsoever. She HAS chased after the ice cream truck and from a creepy dog walker at Shea Stadium though. Once in awhile she runs on the treadmill at the gym, but she certainly can’t claim to enjoy it. It’s a long, tedious mile. What is exciting for Lisa is the prospect that there may be a lot of fit guidos present at this event (seeing as how most guidos in New York are Yankees fans). Perhaps these guidos can run in front of us and Lisa can run after them. One of them can carry a hot dog and a beer and that will be motivation for Serena. Stay tuned for the blog post following that event.

The big baseball note effecting New York this week is the crap with Mariano Rivera. While shagging balls in the outfield during batting practice (not even an actual game), Rivera twisted his knee. Ouch. An injury like that to a player as old as Rivera immediately makes people think that this is it. He’s not coming back. His career is over on a bull sh*t injury. Not so fast. Rivera insists that he’s coming back for 2013, “not going out like this.”

Jered Weaver, another f*ck a$$ who spells his name wrong (and this is more offensive than Andruw since Brother’s name is JARED), pitched himself a no-hitter against the offensively ineffectual Twins this week. While it’s nice to have a no hitter under your belt, what’s it like to accomplish something like this against a team with the major league-worst record (7-18)? We actually had to double-take that statistic there. 7-18??? SEVEN? They’ve only won seven stupid games??? That’s friggin’ AWFUL. Their terrible record actually outshines Weaver’s accomplishment. His no hitter is a backhanded compliment. We’re not even sure it should count. That’s like pitching no-hit ball to the Bad News Bears.

Closing things out with Adele today: “Oh, rumor has it. Oh, rumor has it. The rumor has it that Pujols is rolling up his sausage from the floor.”

TBB: A-holes In Disguise. More Than Meets the Eye

Last week, we shared with you our drunken stupidness (and no one found it at all sad and pathetic…you actually enjoyed reading it) and asked if you would’ve take us to Taco Bell had you been with us that night. 3 of you kindly voted that you definitely would have taken us since you love late night Taco Bell runs. 1 a-hole (probably someone who hates us and doesn’t get our sarcastic humor) said that we sounded like a pack of a-holes. Well, okay then. We have nothing to reply to that. You’re just mean.

While working out, we overheard the YES Network playing some sort of program that was focusing a lot on the famous Derek Jeter catch in which he dove into the stands to catch a foul ball.

We joked about the woman who basically ended up with a lap full of Jeter. “Congratulations, lady. You got to third with Derek Jeter. High five.” This then led us to create more fake dialogue, which we’ve decided to share with you:
Lady: Was it good for you?
Derek: (standing disoriented and bloodied) Der…whaaat?
Lady: Cos’ it wasn’t for me. You were entirely too aggressive and I didn’t like it at all.

Briefly off subject, while searching for that photo of Derek Jeter, we found this:

See anything wrong here? A prize to the person who emails the correct answer first.

Reds closer, Ryan Madson received the surprising news that his season has ended before it even began. Madson will require Tommy John surgery on a torn elbow ligament. The surgery requires up to one year of recovery and rehab. Serena will obviously not be seeking to re-hire him this year for Tigers Love Pepper.

Red Sox reliever, Bobby Jenks was arrested early Friday morning for five misdemeanor charges, including a DUI. He issued a statement on Sunday, apologizing to his teammates and the Red Sox organization. We’d be pretty sorry too. 5 misdemeanors in one evening? Congratulations, sir. Probably spent a night in jail. Yup. That’s definitely something to be sorry about.

The big stories for us involve Chipper Jones and Andy Pettitte. We’d like to say that it involves TOWSNBN making his first spring training start, but alas, that is not so. He did manage to participate in his first live batting practice today, so that’s a plus. He could potentially make his spring training debut tomorrow, but we’re not going to get our hopes up. At this point, Lisa just wants to know who is pitching at Mets Opening Day so that she can decide whether or not she’s going to be walking into the ballpark with some level of hope.

Chipper Jones announced his plans to retire at the close of the 2012 season at a Thursday morning press conference. The press conference took place following sustaining an injury to his left knee while running in the outfield. The soon-to-be 40-year old slugger will begin the season on the DL for the torn meniscus in his knee, but is confident that he’ll be back in action for the Braves’ home opener at Turner Field on April 13^th. The fact that this will be the last season we’ll ever see Chipper Jones play against the Mets depresses us. Our first Mets game together was a Braves/Mets game at Shea Stadium. Adam LaRoche tossed Serena a ball during batting practice. Mike Jacobs took a picture with Lisa. Kris Benson waved to us on his way to the bullpen. Jeff Francouer still played for the Braves. Our last game at Shea Stadium together was a Braves/Mets game as well. Chipper Jones is the standard of everything we once hated about the Braves organization. Gone were the rest of the douchebags that once made the Braves competitors: Greg Maddux, Javy Lopez (who is the definition of beauty, but still a d*ck), Fred McGriff, Andruw Jones (who has so kindly graced Yankees Stadium with his presence), John Rocker, Marquis Grissom, Jermaine Dye, and David Justice. The last man standing on a team of hard-working “babies” is Chipper Jones. Who will we hate when he’s gone? What derisive chant are we going to start at Citi Field during a Braves game, if not the antagonistic and annoyingly repetitive, “Larry?” Because of this, we’ve decided that our Mets game for the season will have to be against the Braves. Granted, we’ll be visiting Turner Field this season, but that’s not the same. We need a little Met on Brave action. And we need to chant, “Larry” one last time before Chipper rides off into the sunset with his son, Shea.

The good news is that Andy Pettitte’s making a comeback (“don’t call it a comeback…mama said knock you out”), so that will hold off the depressed feeling of being old for a short while. Pettitte has signed a 1-year minor league deal with the Yankees and threw his first live batting practice session on Friday. He threw 35 warm up pitches, 26 more to actual batters, and two pitchouts. According to pitching coach, Larry Rothschild, the outing went “awesome.” There’s no word yet as to when he’ll start in his first spring training game or even when he could potentially join the Yankees during the regular season. Serena’s a bit over-excited about this. If he joins the Yankees as early as May, she’ll probably wet herself.

We spent our Saturday afternoon participating in the Workout for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital at the Lady of America Fitness Center. We were Team Transformers (as in “more than meets the eye”). Serena crunched, Lisa counted, and Roberta spun for an hour. By “spun,” we mean on a stationary bike, not in circles like a wack-a-doo. To celebrate our team name, we covered ourselves in fake Transformers tattoos. Serena briefly contemplated legitimately getting the Transformers logo tattooed on her body like an a-hole. Lisa encouraged this. In fact, she said that she’d get Mr. Met tattooed on her body if Serena followed through with this dumbass idea. This nonsense caused us to be late to the event.

Thankfully, Roberta was not late and she saved us a spot near her bike. Note the awesome Transformers water bottle that we were all sporting.

Serena rolled out her yoga mat and we assumed the position. Don’t we look intimidating?

At the end of the hour, Serena had completed 5,155 crunches. This might sound amazing to you, but when Serena participated in this event last (in 2010), she did 7,000 crunches. Old age has clearly slowed her down. How the mighty have fallen. No word on what Roberta accomplished. We obviously dropped the ball on that one. Sorry, guys.

Afterwards, we ate at IHOP and blew all the hard work that we did. As if that wasn’t enough, 2 hours later, we ate pizza.

Bringing it home with a little Seven Mary Three: “Our fake dialogue has become cumbersome.”

Welcome to 2012

Last week, in addition to wishing you a happy holiday, we asked you what reason a certain TBB fan that shall remain nameless might be obsessed with Serena’s arms. 1 person thinks it’s because her arms are 20 inch pythons so who wouldn’t be obsessed? Okay, we’ll have you know that they’re NOT 20 inches. Sheesh. 4 individuals explained it simply as, “he’s a Phillies fan. Why do Phillies fans do half the things that they do?” 1 other person thinks that he is jealous of her arms and desperately wishes that Serena would train him like she trains Lisa every Sunday morning. Strangely enough, no one chose the option, “he is afraid of her.” Hm.

The A’s continue to astound us with their butchering techniques. They sent Ryan Sweeney and two-time All Star Andrew Bailey to the Red Sox for another outfielder and 2 prospects. At this point, it’s safe to call the A’s the New York Islanders of baseball. Thank you for giving up on all hope, Oakland. Perhaps you’ll be joining the Islanders in Oklahoma in a few years.

The St. Louis Cardinals, as we all know, have lost Albert Pujols. Who is the big name that they replace him with? A hairy, dark mole. We mean, Carlos Beltran. May he rot in hell the day that he dies. Beltran and the Cardinals apparently agreed to the 2-year deal worth $26 million late last week. Beltran is getting closer and closer to us with each team move he makes. We were thankful when he left for San Francisco. The city’s across the country and we’ve already been to AT&T Park. Of course, we felt it would’ve been better if he relocated to Japan. Now he’s in the middle of the country. His proximity is becoming uncomfortable. Plus, we haven’t done our Kansas City/St. Louis tour yet. We’d been contemplating it for 2013. Now this plan may have to change.

Being it’s that time of year again where we’re both bored and antsy for the baseball season to get started, Serena tested our Facebook fans with a little trivia quiz. Identify the baseball-related movie that this quote came from (bonus points for identifying the individual who said it): “Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.” The first person to answer this correctly was TBB fan Daniel Perez. As a prize, Serena offered him TBB Super Hero of the Week honors. Since he hasn’t gotten back to us with a photo as of yet, Serena decided to go with someone she’s particularly fond of: Osi Umenyiora.

Lastly, we hope everyone had a fabulous and safe New Year! We’ll return to you with a proper TBB blog next Sunday for our first post of 2012.

We Don’t Handle Change Well

Now that we’ve announced our plans for our 2012 stadium tour, we asked you to tell us which trip you were most excited to read about. Of 5 votes, 3 of you chose Atlanta and 2 of you chose Toronto. No one seems to care about DC.

Now…on to the good stuff. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night, Jose Reyes! The self-absorbed shortstop signed a 6-year contract earlier this week with the Miami Marlins worth $106 million. According to King A-hole, uh, we mean, Reyes, he wanted to remain in New York, however “they didn’t make a real offer. So that means they don’t want me there.” The Mets offered a deal that is believed to have been worth 5 years and $80 million. Sorry, Reyes. This wasn’t about staying in New York. You wanted the money. Or dinero, if that helps you understand better. For the first time in years, the Mets made a good business decision. Reyes will probably play up to his potential during his first season just to show the Marlins that he wasn’t a mistake. In the following seasons, he’ll resort back to the laziness and I-Don’t-Give-a-F*ck attitude that he displayed in New York the last time he signed a big contract. Then in his 6^th and final year, he’ll play his so-called heart out and some other team will be stupid enough and excited enough to shoot their load and give him more money. Thank you, Mets for doing the right thing.

Another addition to the Marlins is Mark Buehrle, who might be leaving The Windy City, but isn’t going for a complete change. Buehrle will be reunited with manager Ozzie Guillen in Miami. Tired of waiting for Albert Pujols to make a decision, the Marlins pulled their offer and turned their sights on pitching. Hence, the addition of Buehrle. Buehrle’s contract includes a 4 years and $191 million. Hopefully, spending money like it’s going out of style pays off for the Marlins because paying for a new stadium and new roster costs a pretty penny and if this endeavor fails miserably, it’s just gonna get awkward and ugly.

David Ortiz will be returning to the Red Sox as their designated hitter. On Wednesday, Ortiz accepted salary arbitration which binds him to the team for at least another year. They’ll continue to work toward a multi-year contract potentially until February, but for now, Big Papi is at least returning for the 2012 season.

On Thursday, MAJOR changes went down. The Marlins may have stopped sweet talking Pujols in order to get him into the sack, but the Angels stepped right in and swept him off his feet! Pujols signed a 10-year, $254 million contract, making him the second highest paid baseball player in history and the third player to break the $200 million barrier. The Angels also signed pitcher CJ Wilson (who happens to be pretty darn cute) for a deal reportedly worth 5 years and $77.5 million.

The Diamondbacks dealt one of their top pitching prospects to the A’s in exchange for pitchers Trevor Cahill and Craig Breslow. Clearly, the A’s have decided to roll over and play dead this season, conceding the AL West to the Angels and hoping for a brighter future in the seasons to come.

What have the Yankees and Mets done? Absolutely nothing. Hooray!

Thanks in part to the number of changes that went down this week, it’s been pretty stressful for us. You can’t just dump all of this on us without any sort of preparation. You have to ease us into change! Ball players are so selfish sometimes.

After These Messages

We know that our typical blog day is Sunday (and don’t worry, you’ll still get a blog tomorrow. We know how poorly you all deal with change), but we’re posting our pathetic poll results and baseball notes today so that tomorrow’s post can strictly focus on the rewrite of our trip to Philly in 2008. We’ve posted a new poll that you won’t vote on because that’s been you’re your MO from this blog’s inception. So, good job, guys. Way to not exercise your mouse-clicking finger.

Needless to say our most recent poll failed to live up to its “legen-wait for it-dary” potential. In the two weeks that it graced the blog, the How I Met Your Mother poll managed to earn 8 lousy votes. The only good thing about this is that you guys actually voted on both the Lisa poll and Serena poll, so that’s a vast improvement from the last time we offered you two polls at the same time. We asked which character from How I Met Your Mother was most similar to us (admittedly, this has stemmed from the fact that we’ve caught a lot of HIMYM marathons recently). Truthfully, some of your answers scared us just a tad. 5 of you thought that Lisa was Ted because she is constantly searching for her one true love. Serena felt like this was a given because Lisa is clearly Ted. Period. True, she does have a gambling problem like Barney (1 person voted for this), but aside from the gambling, she literally has nothing in common with that character. No one voted for Lily or Robin, but 2 of you jack-a-loons actually chose Marshall after Serena deliberately added the following statement to that poll choice: “actually she’s nothing like Marshall. If you pick this option, you’re an a-hole.” Don’t get us wrong. Marshall’s hilarious and Lisa might have a touch of a crush on him, but there is nothing remotely similar about Marshall and Lisa. Do you realize that this makes the 2 of you who voted for that option a-holes? Did you understand that when you decided to select that? Now…Serena, on the other hand, received quite the variety in terms of responses. Either she’s got multiple personalities or you people have no idea what you’re talking about. 1 person voted for Barney because she has a drinking problem, likes to suit up, and would kill to find someone to play laser tag with. We suppose that’s all valid statements however she’s not as much of a d*ck as Barney is. At least, that’s what we like to think. You might have a different opinion on the subject. 1 person chose Lily because she is also obsessed with Christmas. She’s like an alcoholic Santa’s Helper. Just so you’re aware, we had to think long and hard to come up with an option for Serena to be compared to Lily. Why? Because she has nothing else that could possibly relate her to Lily. So you, sir or madam, who voted for Lily are wrong. FYI. 2 people chose Ted because she would do something as stupid as stealing a blue horn from the wall of a local restaurant. This is just bizarre. Yes, she’d probably steal something as cool as a blue horn, but do you know why he stole that blue horn? To impress Robin. Serena would steal that horn just because. She’s nowhere near as girly as Ted is. She’d eat a dude like Ted for a mid-morning snack and forget all about him by lunchtime. 1 person voted for Marshall because she would relish the idea of winning a slap bet and having the opportunity to slap Barney 5 times at any time from now until eternity. You’re probably right. In fact, when she read this, she started laughing. 3 of you voted for Robin because she also has a dude’s personality trapped inside a chick’s body. It kind of hurts when YOU tell her this, but yeah. This can’t entirely be denied. Serena is probably most similar to Robin. However, she isn’t exactly a boy trapped in a girl’s body. She DOES have some girly traits. We promise. You should see her shoe closet and she owns dresses. Swear. She even wears them. We did have a Facebook fan mention that he wasn’t too familiar with HIMYM, which gave him difficulty when it came to voting. Was that the problem? You guys never watched the show? What would’ve been better for you? He mentioned NYPD Blue, but we never watched that show.  

Okay, enough of that. The big news of the week has been the kidnapping of Nationals’ catcher Wilson Ramos in Venezuela. 50 hours after of being abducted on the front lawn of his mother’s house in broad daylight, Ramos was rescued by Venezuelan authorities following a 15-minute gunfight. Justice Minister Tareck El Aissami, who announced the news of the rescue last night, said that the police had 3 men in custody, one of them being a Columbian that is “linked to paramilitary groups and to kidnapping groups.” Authorities are still gathering evidence to determine if there was anyone else involved in this senseless crime. There had been a candlelight vigil held at Nationals Ballpark behind the center field gate during the day yesterday. Approximately 100 fans showed up to pay their respects. Apparently Venezuela has been ranked at the top of the list in murder rates and kidnappings in the world. This is some scary sh*t. The Ramos family is extremely lucky as many families never see their loved ones again.

Other tid bits from around the league seem to pale in comparison to Ramos’ story, but we feel obligated to talk about it anyway. First, the fun, uplifting stuff. Robin Ventura is back in Chicago, replacing Ozzie Guillen as manager! We LOVE Ventura. He’s a great guy, was fantastic hitter, and an outstanding third basemen (and we know how critical Serena is of third basemen). Serena still can’t figure out what the purpose was of getting rid of him for Aaron Boone. Not that Boone’s a douchebag, but c’mon. Watching him play third is like watching an apprentice attempt to replicate the Sistine Chapel. Just not the same. If you’re gonna replace someone, don’t downgrade.

Speaking of douchebag, Jonathan Papelbon will be joining a roster of douchebags next season! Papelbon recently signed a 4-year deal with the Phillies for $50 million. Apparently this is the largest contract for a closer in baseball history. Isn’t that sweet? It includes an option for a fifth season that could increase the value to $60 million. According to some sources, Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. is now on the hunt for Michael Cuddyer. Can the Twins really afford to let Cuddy walk? They’ve already allowed Jim Thome to go to the Phillies!!! Why, Thome, WHY? Furthermore, there’s a chance they’ll lose Jason Kubel to free agency this offseason as well. Amaro also has to deal with the fact that Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Madson are up for grabs.

Other names potentially seeking other employment opportunities this offseason? A-hole Beltran, we mean Carlos, Yuniesky Betancourt, Jonathan Broxton, Mark Buerhle, Bartolo Colon, Prince Fielder, Brad Lidge, David Ortiz, Roy Oswalt, Jorge Posada, Lazy Reyes, we mean Jose, CJ Wilson, Tim Wakefield, and some guy named Albert Pujols. You may have heard of him. Serena’ll take Oswalt. She can live with the Yankees signing him. : ) Maybe he’ll balance out the fact that a basket case with terrible, terrible hair is the Yankees’ supposed #2 guy. Lisa’s simply looking forward to unloading yet another arrogant and lazy piece of garbage that cares more for himself than the fans and actually trying to win a game.

The TBB’s Guide to Crashing Other People’s Stadiums

Sadly, only 3 people voted on last week’s poll. Kinda makes us think you didn’t like last week’s post about Ryan Braun’s Graffito AND it’s pretty clear you think we’re a-holes. We asked if you felt that we were overreacting about our Super Waiter and 2 of you actually said, “Yes. He’s just a very nice boy. You guys are bitches.” 1 person at least agreed that the waiter was a level 5 who probably collected strands of our hair after we left. You people are mean, mean, mean! And we thought WE were bad. Jeez.

So we’re assuming that everyone’s either seen or heard of the basic concept of the movie, Wedding Crashers. If not, please head to your local Blockbuster and rent it so that you’re better able to understand this week’s post. Or order the movie from Netflix. Whatever works for you. If you’re familiar, you might remember that John and Jeremy live by a set of rules for crashing weddings. During our recent trip to Minneapolis, we realized that we lived by a certain set of rules when traveling to other people’s stadiums as well, so we decided to adapt John and Jeremy’s rules to reflect our own. It turns out that John and Jeremy live by 115 rules. We’ve got ADD, so there’s no way we’re coming up with 115, but here’s what we got:

1. Honestly, John and Jeremy’s Rule #1 is pretty much the same as ours. “Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own.” You know what happens when you leave a fellow Stadium Crasher behind? One of you gets roofied or worse. Then you might accidentally roofie your fellow Stadium Crasher. Trust us, it’s not worth it.
2. Never root for the away team unless they’re your REAL team. In order to really experience another person’s stadium, you have to buy into their culture and you can’t do that if you’re rooting for the other team.
3. When visiting Cleveland’s Progressive Field in the future, be adequately prepared to quote Major League I and II incessantly.
4. Always leave behind your TBB business card in key locations to draw out-of-town traffic to your blog!
5. Never let a MLB pitcher come between you and a fellow Stadium Crasher…or your significant other for that matter.
6. Do not bash the stadium or team in any way in front of the locals. Lisa complained that our tiny, wooden seats at Fenway were uncomfortable and Maria and Serena thought that the unhappy-with-life obese man behind us was going to crack a beer bottle over her head for her insult.
7. Blend in by wearing the merchandise of the home team’s heroes. For example: in Minneapolis, we wore Morneau and Mauer shirts. While walking the streets of the city, everyone and their mother asked us about that evening’s game. Why? Because we looked like ONE OF THEM!
8. Be the life of your section and participate with the local cheers and The Wave. DON’T be a party pooper.
9. Whatever it takes to get tickets to your desired game, get the tickets! Whether it be via the team’s website, StubHub, or prostituting yourself on the street corner. You don’t want to travel all the way to Toronto for a Blue Jays game only to not be able to get into the stadium!
10. Bringing your own sandwich is for pansies. If you’re traveling to another stadium, you need to truly embrace what that stadium has to offer and that includes their food!
11. Always have a camera on hand for unique stadium moments like the fireworks display during a home run or victory.
12. When it starts to rain, suck it up, cupcake. You’re in for the long haul or until they call the game due to weather. You may never get the opportunity to visit this stadium again. Enjoy it while you can.
13. If you’re offered free team merchandise in exchange for little to no effort, TAKE IT! We currently possess an assorted array of A’s, Angels, Mets, and Yankees free t-shirts and have sported Brewers and Mets temporary tattoos. Oh, yeah. We blend.
14. Be respectful of any memorial service for the dead. DON’T be an a-hole.
15. Fight the urge to tell the Phillies/Red Sox fan leading a “Mets/Yankees Suck” chant to go f*ck himself. Remember: you’re incognito.
16. Always be ready to chase a mascot for a photo opportunity. A Lou the Seal baseball card is an unacceptable alternative.
17. Everyone deserves the free giveaway, but we promise you that if it’s 14 & under night, you’re definitely not getting one. They’re pretty strict about that stuff.
18. You love the home team’s colors even if it’s the most disgusting color combo you’ve ever seen…like Oakland’s green and yellow.
19. Don’t ask foreigners to take your picture unless you can speak their native language WELL. There’ll be an utter breakdown in communication and that’s how you end up with a photo of the Phillie Phanatic’s ass and Lisa clapping instead of a nice, smiling shot of the two of you with the entire Phanatic.
20. $50 gets you “okay” seats in New York. If you can pay $50 or less and score amazing field level seats at another team’s stadium, make the investment!
21. Definitely make sure you have your tickets with you before you leave the hotel.
22. You have the entire game to seal the deal as the team’s #1 fan. Extra innings may be applicable.
23. There’s nothing wrong with having seconds provided you have enough money and appetite to go around. Eat as much as you can financially and physically handle.
24. If you get outed, calmly hand over a TBB business card and explain yourself. Do not run. The locals can sense fear. Besides, you could make a follower/fan this way!
25. You understand that you paid $15 for essentially a garbage bag, but you feel strongly that you look like a #1 fan wearing that White Sox poncho.
26. Of course you love *insert home team name*
27. Don’t over drink. It’s too damn expensive and you have to remember that you’re rooting for the Phillies/Red Sox, not the Mets/Yankees.
28. Make sure you know where your closest restroom and hot dog/desired food (whether it be Italian sausage, bratwurst, taco) stand is located.
29. Always be a team player. Every TBB needs a little help once in awhile.
30. Know the team’s lineup so you can cheer appropriately.
31. Never eat the $1 hot dog. You’ll regret it. There’s a reason they’re only $1.
32. Never commit to a player unless you know he’s still on the team or that he left on friendly terms (like when Torii Hunter left the Twins for the Angel and UNLIKE when Alex Rodriguez left the Mariners for the Rangers…or when he left them for the Yankees for that matter).

And now for last week in baseball:
Joe Mauer returned to the Twins’ lineup on Friday night and went 1-4 with an RBI and run scored. Unfortunately, Serena forgot to start him in her fantasy lineup that night…like a true a-hole.

Marlins’ manager, Edwin Rodriguez, stepped down this morning. In the interim, the team’s bench coach, Brandon Hyde, will be taking over management duties.

Albert Pujols left today’s game against the Royals with a sprained left wrist and will be reevaluated tomorrow.

TOWSNBN is still recovering from a stress fracture in his lower back. All he’s been physically able to do thus far is make 20 throws and take ground balls on his knees. He’ll be seeing a doctor later this week in order to get clearance to start a rehab program in Florida.

Lastly, Happy Father’s Day to all the daddies out there, especially Papadukes and Papa L.!