Sunday, January 8, 2012

The Worst (and Best) Things We’ve Ever Put in Our Mouths (at a Ballpark)

Now that it’s the New Year, we felt that it was time for a fresh start. We’ve decided that we’re going to become magically rich. We’re going to be able to eat whatever we want and not care about whether or not we have enough money to pay the tolls to get back home from Yankees Stadium. No more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for us! We’re gonna look bangin’ because Serena is going to re-hire Trainer Stephen to work our sorry asses out on a regular basis. We’re also going to hire Hair Stylist Lisa McFarland and Colorist Dave Rios to be our full-time hair specialists. They’ll even go on vacation with us. We’ll stay in 5-star hotels. No more crap Wyndham Rewards hotels for us. Furthermore, we’ll invest our money in great things. Great things like a Major League Baseball team. We haven’t quite figured out where our team is going to be located, but thanks to you lovely folks, we’re pretty confident that we know what our team name will be. Of 7 votes, 2 of you chose “Dances with Booze” to be the name of our new franchise. The rest of the options (The Great Whites, The Velociraptors, The Anacondas, The Prancing Daisies, and The Food Babies) each earned 1 vote. Congratulations. You’re looking at the future owners of Dances with Booze.

As you may have guessed from our blog title, today we are going to talk about Ballpark food…or you may have assumed that we were talking about penis. After visiting 19 different stadiums across the country, we’ve shoveled a lot of tasty and not-so-tasty items in our pie holes. We’ll start with the worst of them listed in no order of importance (basically because we couldn’t figure out which item really was THE worst of the bunch).

The Worst Things We’ve Ever Put in Our Mouths (at a Ballpark):
  • The “famous” Dodger Dog found at Dodger Stadium. One would think that a hot dog with a catchy name would be delicious. You’ d be wrong to assume that of the Dodger Dog. For starters, it’s visually unappealing. To quote our initial assessment of the Dodger Dog, it “looks like a child’s finger that had accidentally been burned on a toaster oven.” Secondly, the taste is an abomination. “It is a raping of your taste buds and a violation of basic human rights.” There is still no word as to whether or not this hot dog has been FDA approved yet. We’re pretty sure it causes cancer.
  • Target Field’s $1 Hot Dog was awful. It was hardly worth the dollar. We wouldn’t feed this to a homeless man dying of starvation because it wouldn’t be fair to him. We called it “ass in the mouth.” The only saving grace was the fact that Serena coated hers with Sriracha sauce which disguised the “ass in the mouth” taste. Lisa was not as fortunate.
  • The Minneapie from Target Field sounded awesome, but was a serious disappointment. We had been sucked into the name of the dessert, thinking to ourselves, “We’re never going to find a Minneapie anywhere else! We HAVE to try it!” Plus, the cashier described it as “fried apple pie.” We assumed that it was an actual apple pie fried in dough and then sprinkled with cinnamon and powdered sugar…which probably means that our inner selves are obese children. This dessert cost us $7. What we actually received was a cinnamon-sprinkled Lean Pocket. It’s not like the taste was terrible, but the delivery of the product failed to live up to our expectations, making feeding time extremely disappointing.
  • On the topic of disappointing desserts, the fried dough at Citi Field failed to live up to our expectations. Like the Minneapie, it didn’t technically taste bad. It was just boring. After 3 bites, we kind of wanted to quit, but the fact that we’d just wasted money on it forced us to plow through it like champions. Disappointed champions. As Lisa puts it, Citi Field’s fried dough was “like an okay lay. You’re happy you got laid, but it could’ve been better.”
  • The Ball Tip Steak Sandwich from the Kinder’s BBQ stand at McAfee Coliseum. The sandwich itself cost around $9 and consisted of meat soaked in mayonnaise. The red juice from the meat mixing with the mayonnaise looked like an infected cut. Serena just threw up in her mouth reliving this experience. Even Lisa, who actually likes mayonnaise, wanted to end her life after eating this sandwich. Any a-hole who destroys the essence of steak with mayonnaise should be run over with a bus.
  • Citizen’s Bank Park’s sausage sandwich. Eating that sandwich was 5 minutes of our time that we’ll never get back. That’s it. That time is gone. It could’ve been filled with something better. Like a really good, long piss. Lisa didn’t even finish hers. She claims that her peppers and onions weren’t even cooked. Plain Melba Toast had more flavor than that sandwich, which is sad because as you all know by now, we love Italian sausage.
  • Another sausage sandwich that depressed the f*ck out of us is the one served at Safeco Field. Sawdust has more flavor in it than this sandwich. At least the onions and peppers were cooked this time though.
  • We feel bad about including this next one on our list, but it needs to be done. The hot dog at Wrigley Field. The grilled dog itself was actually very good as were the variety of toppings (tomatoes, jalapeño peppers, relish, onions, mustard, and ketchup). The problem with this hot dog was the poppy seeded bun. The stand that serves the grilled hot dogs stores the hot dog buns on a shelf over the grill. As a result, the steam from the grill floats upward and makes the buns soggy. Try eating a hot dog heavily laden with toppings on a wet bun that’s falling apart. It’s a pain in the ass and messy.
The Best Things We’ve Ever Put in Our Mouths (at a Ballpark):
  • Both the grilled bratwurst and polish sausage sandwiches from Target Field belong on this list. They were hearty, juicy, and the meat was seasoned with black pepper. When discussing these two sandwiches, we called them “FAN-F*CKING-TASTIC.” They could make a girl wet themselves, we assure you.
  • The A’s helmet filled with french fries were awesome! Golden and crispy. These fries made up for the misery that the Ball Tip Steak Sandwich created.  
  • PETCO Park’s pulled pork sandwich served at the Randy Jones BBQ Pit is monster-sized and totally worth the price of $8.50. We were actually pretty full after eating it and you know how rare that is. One of the guys traveling with us to that stadium couldn’t finish his sandwich because he was “full.” We’re pretty sure he has an eating disorder though, so we don’t know if that really counts as being “full.”
  • RFK Stadium’s Italian sausage sandwich is the reason why we had put so many terrible sausages in our mouth in the first place. It is proof that god or some higher power loves us and wants us to be happy. The yellow, green, and red peppers were fresh and grilled to perfection. The sausage itself was the perfect sausage. Spicy, juicy, and girthy. It was a party in our mouths and everyone was invited. It might be one the best $5 ever spent.
  • Yankees Stadium’s Lobel’s steak sandwich is glorious. If you ever have one chance to visit Yankees Stadium and there’s a good chance you’ll never make it back there, go with this steak sandwich. It’s expensive, but totally worth it. The sandwich is served on a buttery roll STUFFED with juicy, thick meat. More importantly, no mayonnaise.
  • The Xtreme Dog at Coors Field is literally the best hot dog that we’ve ever had the pleasure of putting into our mouths. For $6.50, you have multiple options of hot dogs covered in a plethora of toppings. Lisa had the Denver Dog which included jalapeño peppers, cheddar cheese, chopped onions, and green chili sauce. That sauce was no joke. Lisa breathed fire for the rest of the day after eating that hot dog. Serena got the New York Dog, which included grilled peppers and onions, spicy mustard, sauerkraut, and chopped onions and then she turned around and added cheddar cheese and jalapeño peppers. Our friend, AJ ordered the Rockies’ Bacon Bleu, which included chopped onions, bleu cheese sauce, bleu cheese crumbles, and bacon.
  • Another expensive ballpark item, the crab sandwich served at the Crazy Crab’z stand at AT&T Park is well worth the cost. The grilled sourdough bread is stuffed with crab meat. STUFFED! If you like seafood, you can’t go wrong with this purchase.
  • The garlic fries that are now sweeping the nation originated at AT&T Park and they do garlic fries the best. The plate of fries is coated with garlic and oil so don’t plan on making out with anyone after eating these bad boys.
An Honorable Mention goes to the barbecue food served at Boog’s BBQ Stand at Oriole Park. The food is AMAZING and Serena highly recommends anyone visiting the stadium to eat there. The only reason we can’t put this on the list is that Serena ate at that stand during an earlier visit to the ballpark without Lisa. Lisa has yet to experience the wonder that is Boog’s BBQ.

Baseball note:
According to sources, Jorge Posada may announce his retirement within the next two weeks. Posada’s departure cuts the Core Four (Andy Pettitte having retired before the start of last season) down to the Dynamic Duo (Mariano Rivera and Lisa’s favorite Yankee, Derek Jeter). Soon, it will just be Jeter that’s left. Serena suddenly feels old.


  1. Babes,

    I guess I come from a different era when going to the ball park usually meant a hot dog scooped out of a questionable brew of some kind of liquid, slapped in a deteriorating dry hot dog bun, smashed into a waxed paper wrapping and handed down a line of equally questionable ball park patrons before it got to your seat where you washed it down with a bland warm beer served to you from yet another questionable character.

    And you loved it. After all, in those days the hot dog cost 75 cents and the beer was 3 bucks. And there wasn't much else. This of course was in the 70's and the Phillies were regularly beating the crap out of the Mets . . . ummm . . . much like now.

    Okay, I digress. These days there are a lot of options at ball parks that we did not have in those days. And there are not gourmet chefs attending to the seasoning and quality in these food stands. Opinions range widely, and the quality of any particular food group seems a bit random. In a previous comment I made to you about food at the Bank, I mention the Schmitter, a cheese steak type of sandwich covered with fried salami and special sauce, and onions and served on a kaiser roll. I've had three at the Bank, and the first two were superb. I raved about them so much that the last time a group of us went, my wife and I convinced everyone they needed to try them.

    OMG they were awful. They were dry and the bread was kinda stale. It was disgusting. no onions, not even lettuce and tomato. Mayo would have improved this sandwich. But there are two points here. Sandwiches at ball parks are much like the ball teams themselves, even the best have bad nights. Second . . . well I am not sure there is a second, but it seemed a lot more impressive with two points. Oh, no wait . . here is the second . . . going to any ball park and finding the Holy Grail of food seems a bit like going to the Jake' Gym and Boxing Emporium for yoga classes. I'm just saying . . .

    That being said, the next time you wander down I-95, you may have to let me organize your trip here better, from an epicurean stand point. There are much better options at CBP for discriminating women like yourselves.

  2. Right now, the Holy Grail of food found at a ballpark would be the brats and polish sausages at Target Field. If there was a way to transport those to Serena's bedroom so that we could eat them while watching Football Sunday, we would do it. Know anyone with a teleportation device?