Sunday, February 12, 2012

Forbes’ Top Ten

We’d been thinking about a potential career change and since we care so much about your opinion, we asked for your feedback. Since it was a tie, you haven’t helped us at all. Good job. When asked if you thought we should quit stadium touring and become professional MMA fighters, you people couldn’t make a decision. Now we’re stuck between “Oh, for crissakes, no. You’ll be killed” and “Yes. You look bad a$$. You’ll totally win some matches.” What are we supposed to do with this? We suppose we’ll just go be strippers instead. Thanks a lot, guys. Miserable married corporate men will have the unfortunate experience of us dancing and twirling around a pole. If you think that sounds sexy, just be aware that while spinning on a pole, Serena actually squeals, “Weeeeeeee!” Kay? Does that still sound sexy?

This weekend, Forbes’ released its Top 10 Most Disliked Athletes list. The ranking is as follows:
  1. Michael Vick
  2. Tiger Woods
  3. Plaxico Burress
  4. Ndamukong Suh
  5. Kris Humphries
  6. LeBron James
  7. Kobe Bryant
  8. Terrell Owens
  9. Alex Rodriguez
  10. Kurt Busch
Some of this list is completely understandable. After all, Michael Vick should not have his current job. He’s a man who operated a dog fighting ring, killed dogs, served time in prison, and then was rewarded upon his release with a really awesome career. Most “reformed” criminals have trouble finding jobs at Walmart and yet this a-hole immediately gets his old job back. His entire salary should be donated back to the ASPCA. He’s a scumbag. Plaxico Burress, Terrell Ownes, and Kurt Busch are all total douchebags. We get it. Kobe Bryant? Sexually assaulted a woman AND an arrogant a-hole. Yup. We get it. What we can’t understand is why Tiger Woods is ranked higher on this list than a man who shot himself in the leg like an a-hole, a sell-out who abandoned his fans for extra money, and more importantly, a man who had sexually assaulted a woman. We’re not saying that Tiger doesn’t belong on this list, but his issue is sex addiction. Those women all wanted to have sex with him (for reasons that are unknown to us). Kobe forced himself on a woman. Why is he only #7?

Even more disturbing is Kris Humphries’ placement on this list at #5. The only reason you should dislike him is that you’re sick of hearing his name and about his a-hole ex-wife. In fact, instead of Humphries, Kim Kardashian should be on this list. She might not be a literal athlete, but she certainly sleeps with a lot of them. Humphries also spells his name wrong, but that’s not enough of a reason to rank him #5. Why is this man on this list in the first place? How could you have this much venom toward someone so unimportant? He’s literally a non-entity. Furthermore, why is he on this list higher than a man who sexually assaulted a woman AND LeBron James and Terrell Owens??? This has to be a joke.

Alex Rodriguez. Really? How could you possibly hate him more than say, oh, we don’t know…Ben Rothlisberger?? A man who raped not one woman, but TWO!!! We get that there’s animosity toward Rodriguez for his inflated salary (but really…how many other athletes are out there with grossly inflated salaries? Can we say Barry Zito? At least Rodriguez performs. What has Zito done for us lately besides attempt to bring back the porn-stache and rock a comb-over on his wedding day?), his high-profile relationships (wouldn’t you bang Kate Hudson if you had the chance?), and the whole steroids debacle (umm…what about Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens? They actually lied to a grand jury). But really? Top 10 MOST disliked? Really? More disliked than a rapist? The rapist isn’t even on this list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Furthermore, Chad Ochocinco renamed himself after his jersey number. We’re not sure you can get more douchey than that. Why isn’t he on this list?

Alex Rodriguez’s personality is minimal. It’s like listening to a piece of Melba Toast speaking when he’s interviewed and as we stated earlier, Kris Humphries is a non-entity. You’ve eaten two spots on this list with men that are essentially space-wasters. Spots that could’ve been filled by a rapist and Douchey McDouchey. This list basically confirms how stupid the public is. They shouldn’t be allowed to vote for anything. Not for the All Star Game, not for the People’s Choice Awards, not for American Idol, and in all honesty, no one should be voting in the presidential elections. We’d be better off being run by British Parliament at this point.  

In other worldly baseball news, according to sources, there’s a chance that AJ Burnett could be sent to the Pirates. Did you just hear that? It sounded like angels singing. The Yankees still owe Burnett $35 million for the next two seasons, which is worth more than the cost of both of our cars combined and we’ve gotten more practical use out of our modes of transportation than the Yankees have gotten out of Burnett. On the flip side, the Pirates are seeking a veteran starter who can eat innings. Here’s the problem with the Pirates’ strategy here. Yes, Burnett is a veteran and yes, when his sh*t is on the money, he’s great and he’ll definitely eat up some innings for you. However, that being said, when the f*cker is in hot mess mode, you’ll be lucky if he survives two innings. Maybe removing him from the pressure of being in New York will help him. We’re not sure, but he needs to take his epic fails elsewhere.

Tom Brady’s sister (who we imagine looks like Tom Brady, only without a beard and with long, silky smooth hair as opposed to short) is engaged to Kevin Youkilis. What could be going so wrong in the Brady household that something this terrible would happen to the sister of Tom Brady? Youkilis looks like a crazed lumberjack. A friend of Youkilis said that, “he’s really lucky. She’s a really nice person…” Hell yeah, he’s lucky! Has he looked at himself in the mirror lately????

Jose Reyes’ locks went for $10,200 on eBay. This would normally be a disgusting and creepy situation that we’d make fun of, but the money was donated to the Make A Wish Foundation of South Florida, so it would be a little inappropriate for us to ridicule this.  

Finally, Chubby Bubby Miguel Cabrera reportedly shed 20-25 pounds to move back to third base for the Tigers. The End. End Scene. Close curtains. Exit theater.

In the fine words of Candlebox: “Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on that list. Now maybe, but they did it anyway. And now maybe, some would say that your life is sad. But you lived it anyway. And so maybe, and your friends they stand around and they watched you marry that whore as your reputation faltered to the ground. And then someday, even some of your friends voted, oh they voted you for #5…but you left them far behind. Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on the list, but they did it anyway. Now maybe, some would say you’re left with what you have, but you couldn’t stop the pain of beating a sex offender.”  


  1. I hear you . . .

    This list actually needs to be seperated into two lists, One for criminals and one just plain old simple douches.

    There is certainly differences when it comes to guys that are just general a-holes when playing the sport or addressing the public, and those that think somehow they exist in a special caste of uber-humans and don't need to play by the same rules.

    That being said, I strongly suspect that Kris Humphries, if not fully aware that the marriage was a scam, was at least was cool with being a lap-dog, and for that should lose his testicle license and made to wear poodle ears when on camera.

    With Tiger Woods, it IS hard to justify him number 2 ahead of the other notables as you say, but he is obviously suffering from a super-hero falling to earth backlash, and its pretty disgusting to see someone like that toss it all away on bimbos, especially when the Missus is so hot rock-solid. I mean comeee on. Keep it in your jockeys till you get home, 'kay?

    And I do feel I need to bring up one thing that might be obvious to the rest of us, that New Yorker's might overlook. At least a portion of the dislike for A-Rod, beside the really awful moniker, is the fact that he IS a Yankee. Sorry Serena, but the more success you have, the more hated you become. And Alex not only is overpaid, he's overpaid by Yankees, and thats kinda double-dipping. Add to that his shrinking stature in post season, and I think you have more than a few New Yorkers piling on.

    Now, I've had the distinct displeasure of having two of the top ten on one of my hometown teams, and I can't argue with the position of supremecy held by Michael Vick. He's ruined any pleasure I have watching the Eagles. Yes I will root for the team, and wish them well, but I have a hard time watching and rooting for Vick. And Terrell Owens? Please . . . is he even relevant at this point? And I think that goes for the 'roid brothers Barry and Roger as well. 15 minutes are up fellows, lets not even waste our time thinking about you.

    Unless of course we want a Hall of Fame Douche Bag list, and even then we'd have to have a steroid subdivision. Jeez, we might have to build a whole new wing.

  2. We're not arguing the fact that Tiger Woods is on this list. Just his position. He's definitely an asshat. It's just the his actions are not enough to make him rank higher than Kobe, LeBron, TO, and Plax.

    While Humphries may be missing his man parts, that doesn't mean he should be on a list called "Most Disliked Athletes." It means he should be on a list called, "Most Pussy-Whipped Men in America." Two totally different lists, my friend.

    As for Alex Rodriguez, we did acknowledge why there's dislike for him. Our point is that people should have SO MUCH animosity toward him that he ends up on the top 10. There are worse offenders out there (Uhhhh, rapist, anyone?) that should be on this list that aren't. We just don't think anything AROD has done is bad enough to warrant being on this list.

  3. I know that in my long winded comments, its sometimes hard to tell, but yeah. I agree with your proposition that Tiger, Kris and A-rod are all disproportionally hated in comparison to the real degenerates that came in behind them.