Why New York Will Most Likely Be Golfing During the Postseason

We should acknowledge that we understand that the Yankees are still in the running for the Wild Card (so don't post any links to the comments section of this blog or to our Facebook page with "proof" that the Yankees are mathematically capable of achieving a playoff spot), whereas the Mets are definitely NOT going to the postseason...unless they're attending games as personal guests of the Atlanta Braves. That being said, we're going to tell you exactly what went wrong for the Yankees and Mets this year and why that's going to equal New York postseason failure.

Allow us to begin with the Mets:

• It all began with Johan Santana and quickly went downhill from there. There are currently 9 players on the Mets 40-man roster that are on the DL.
• Matt Harvey's final win-loss record before heading to the DL is 9-5 and he boats a 2.27 ERA. Truth be told, he should probably be more like 12-3, but his offense consists of a pack of duds.
• Pitching (except for Matt Harvey)
• This:

 Now for the Yankees:

• Like the Mets, the Yankees have been plagued by injuries. Most notably: Mark Teixeira, Curtis Granderson, and Derek Jeter.
• They're physically incapable of defeating the Red Sox. The Red Sox are the Yankees' kryptonite.
• The Trio of Death. AKA: The Victory Vacuum:

The real reason why the Yankees will not make it to the playoffs:

Now, before you call us crazy, hear us out. We have a theory. We've never had two of our teams be successful during the same season. You will, no doubt, argue several points with us:

• The 2000 Subway Series
• The 1986 World Series Championship Mets/80's dynasty of the Islanders
• The Rangers consistent postseason appearances
• Mets were last in the playoffs in 2006 whereas the Yankees also had a playoff appearance that year
• The Giants won the Superbowl in 2007 and 2011. While the Mets did not see the postseason those years, the Yankees did

Have we listed all of your arguments? Allow us to now tear them down and crap on them (faster than you can post a link to our blog/Facebook page in an attempt to prove us wrong).

1. The Subway Series: Someone had to lose this series. In this case, it was the Mets. Therefore, Lisa was unhappy. This directly supports our theory of two of our teams cannot be successful. During this same year, the Giants made a playoff appearance, but failed to accomplish anything exciting.
2. The 80's: Yes, both the Mets and Islanders were successful during this time period. In 1986, the Islanders even saw playoff action. Here's the problem with this one. Serena was 4 in 1986 and Lisa was 8. Serena's definition of a "championship" at this point in time was convincing her Mema to give her a Stella Doro cookie despite not having finished her milk because milk sucks. Lisa had not yet been introduced to the Islanders because a) Brother hadn't been born yet and b) she and Serena hadn't met yet. Therefore, this only equals to ONE of our teams being successful.
3. Rangers: We hate the Rangers, therefore their continual success is meaningless. To be frank, it actually infuriates us. Truth be told, they're a-holes.
4. Mets & Yankees being 2006 playoff contenders: The Yankees got bumped in the first round (pretty miserably in fact) and the Mets suffered from Carlos Beltran-itis.
5. The Giants' Superbowl wins: The Yankees' playoff performance during those years was abysmal. Therefore your argument is erroneous.

Why blame the Islanders for this season's mishaps? Simple. For the first time in eons, the Islanders showed great tenacity and made it to the playoffs. Granted, they lost to the Penguins in the first round, but not without giving those tool boxes a run for their money. Naturally, this explains why Eli Manning and the Giants have looked like total ass clowns so far this season and why the Mets and Yankees have limped toward October.

Trust us, we want more than anything for this theory not to be true, but it just can't be so. It's like when really attractive individuals have zero sense of humor/personality. It's proof that whatever higher being you believe in does not want anyone to have everything. For example, Michael Bolton had a successful music career despite a mullet and a face only a mother could love. "Talented," yet unpleasant to the eye. Can't have everything.

Tune in next week for a legit blog post

I regret to inform you that you will not be getting a blog post today. We are postponing the Kansas City Stadium blog till next week. I know this is devastating news to you all. I assure you with some self help books and a positive quote of the day app offered on some smart phones you will avoid jumping off that bridge. Now why you ask you are not getting your regularly scheduled blog post? Well there are three very good reasons.

1.The lovely Erin is in town the weekend to visit Serena.

2. Lisa has been watching her niece since yesterday and until her sister decides she wants her child back. Lisa’s weekend  consisted of and is continuing to consist of building blocks, A lot of Disney movies (which I don’t mind ) tons of “but why?” after every sentence, lot’s of singing, chocolate ice cream every where. The lack of sleep since the three year old did not go to bed until  2 am is not helping as well. Even as I try to type this bullsh*t post I am being distracted by the adorable child singing “Part of your world” from the Little Mermaid. So naturally a substantial post about baseball would be impossible.
3. At last and the most important reason of all is it’s the first Football Sunday of the season! Naturally all of our attention is required to sit in front of a television watching football, eating a lot of crap and drinking beer in my case all of the above while entertaining my niece.
 
Happy Football Sunday to all and to all may the New York Giants win!

In Baseball news incase you didn’t notice the New York teams suck and we wish diarrhea upon them. This baseball season couldn’t be over fast enough for the TBB!

-Lisa :)

                 

 

What to Wear to a Ball Game (or any sporting event for that matter)

Before we get into today's topic, we wanted to share what we've been up to this weekend. For two of the laziest people you know, we sure have been participating in a lot of athletic activities requiring us to be up before 6 am. Which is ridiculous. On Friday, we rode the 5 am train into New York City to celebrate the summer solstice by participating in Athleta's Mind Over Madness Yoga, which was a yoga session in the middle of Times Square. Literally. In the middle. This is a video clip of the morning session we attended, which was taught by Drisana Carey (you may have seen her on a bunch of Athleta catalogues). This is us waiting for the session to start.

The experience was amazing. Let's start by saying that. Tao Porchon-:ynch, a master yoga teacher that is 94 years-young led us in a brief, but lovely meditation prior to the yoga practice. Here are the few minor tid bits that went wrong for us:
*We failed to drink any water prior to the session, during session, following session, or any time after that when we passed out for 4 hours in the sun because we were so tired.
*Lisa finally saw Serena's "yoga frenemy" in person, live and in action. This was her reaction:

We should preface this by saying that this girl has done absolutely nothing wrong. She's genuinely very nice and very talented. So why do we "hate" her? We don't hate her. We just want to be her. She's the best-looking girl we've ever seen on a normal, non-celebrity level. She's flawless. With flawless hair and flawless highlights and flawless teeth and the most ricockulous body we've ever seen. Everything she does is graceful and effortless. We're 98% confident that when she emerged from wherever she was on Friday, the sun started shining brighter. The fact that two man-hungry, horn-dog chicks obsessed with masculinity are spending so much time talking about how stunning this girl is should really tell you something. She also doesn't suffer from Resting Bitch Face (RBF), which is a common ailment among hot chicks.
*After departing Times Square, we chose to not read the schedule back to Long Island very carefully and got onto the express train that only went to 3 stops...NOT including ours, so we had to pay $16 for a taxi to drive us two train stops. Which is bullshit. The cabbies in New York City are more generous than the ones on the Island.

We had also signed up to do sunset yoga on the beach in a very uppity town on the north shore of Long Island (town shall remain anonymous) to close out the solstice (we were obviously brazen and over-confident in our athletic ability). Having slept 4 hours in the sun without drinking any water, the drive out to the evening yoga session was miserable. We continued pounding water to no avail. The damage had been done. Our heads were throbbing and fuzzy. The sun hurt our eyes despite sunglasses. Yet, we refused to quit. We registered for this class and we were determined to finish what we started. We pulled into the parking lot of this posh yacht club on the water, only to be directed to the street for parking. The waiter inside made us walk AROUND the club to the deck (not the beach as advertised) for the yoga session rather than walk THROUGH (which would've been more direct). Probably because we weren't wearing enough Lululemon. As we walked through the yard (side bar: let us tell you what we WERE wearing so that you know we weren't dressed like hoodlums. Lisa wore a Lululemon sweatshirt and Athleta pants and Serena wore a yoga top and pants from JOIS, which is not a cheap clothing line by any stretch of the imagination. We were also both rocking designer sunglasses for heaven's sakes!!!), this RBF woman and her army of RBF skanks stood in their head to toe posh designer outfits sipping champagne and looked us up and down in disdain. Then Queen RBF snootily declared, "Aw, so cute. You're here for the yoga. Enjoy your time here." Like under normal circumstances, we never would've been allowed to cross their rich a-hole threshold. We made it as far as the area quarantined for the yogis before Serena muttered, "I can't. I can't do this. Look at these a-holes. I just...I can't." Lisa replied under her breath, "Want to pretend to go to the bathroom, but really just leave?" It took every ounce of our being not to sprint back to the car.

What, you might be asking, is RBF? Here is a photo that perfectly encompasses RBF.

Saturday, we basically spent in bed recovering from dehydration and sun over-exposure. It was awful.

Today, in heat that must be similar to what folks in Hades feel, we ran in the New York Giants Run for Champions 5K at MetLife Stadium. Despite the sun and heat (and the one unexpected dastardly hill at the end), we really enjoyed the run! The finish line crossed the end zone! Serena high-fived Amani Toomer (or as Serena's autocorrect liked to call him: Armani Too Met) at the start line. His hand basically swallowed her midget one whole. As you can see by the photo below, we spent a lot of time acting like children on the football field. Afterwards, we ate bananas and bagels and took a tour of the Giants' locker room (or as Lisa's autocorrect liked to call it: liquor room)

Now on to today's topic. Honestly, we shouldn't even bother with this seeing as how much we just gave you, but we promised a fashion blog at this start of this and we don't break promises. Most men have figured out the appropriate attire to wear to sporting events. They might not be wearing appropriate team memorabilia, but they've pretty much gotten the core concept down and for the stragglers that haven't figured it out, ask one of your bros for help. Seriously. Don't be ashamed. Fix the problem. Don't keep making the same mistake.

This post is a direct result of what we saw women running in today. Since the race was hosted by the New York Giants, obviously a ton of Giants fans/football fans came out to run. Many individuals wore team memorabilia (including jerseys, which baffled us because it was HOT out). We were surrounded on all sides by tacky football outfits, but to be honest, female football fans aren't the only repeat offenders. This is common at baseball games and ale houses nationwide. Hockey games seem to be less ridiculous, mostly because majority of the fans just stick to a team jersey, which brings us to a very important point: the MLB and NFL now offer replica team jerseys cut for women! This should solve all of your fashion problems. You cannot possibly f*ck this up unless you purchase your jersey in the color pink...or if it's sparkly.

Here's a list of common fashion statements we see at games and bars that drive us utterly bat sh*t crazy:
*Anything with shiny fabric, glitter, rhinestones, or sequins is TOTALLY unacceptable. If the face of your franchise doesn't wear sparkly sh*t, YOU do not wear sparkly sh*t. Basically 80-90% of the Victoria's Secret PINK line is not an option. Here are a FEW acceptable options offered by PINK: t-shirt, sweatshirt, tank top (watch it with this one because it appears that some teams, like the Brewers, use shiny fabric in this particular style). Unfortunately, every item has "PINK" on it, but it IS a brand, so we suppose that can't be helped. To be quite frank, you're better off picking a different brand. Majestic Athletic, '47 Brand, Nike, Antigua, and Cutter & Buck all have better alternatives than the ones we listed here. This...this is just terrible.
*Anything in the color pink. There is not a single professional sports team in this country that rocks the color pink in their uniforms, therefore neither should you. If your team colors are blue and orange, regardless of how you feel about those colors, you wear blue and/or orange. It's that simple.
*Cropped jerseys. WTF? Do you see Derek Jeter jogging around the field with his belly hanging out? No. And he probably has a nicer stomach than you do so cover it up!!! Plus, that half of a jersey probably cost you the same as a regular, full jersey so you're losing money in this scenario. Additionally, for every hot chick that wears a cropped jersey, there are 20 unattractive, physically out of shape women wearing cropped jerseys and we have to look at it. Do you see what we're saying?
*Backless tops. This is a sporting event, not a dance floor. It's that simple.
*Dresses & high heels. There's a fine line here. If you come straight from work, we get that it might not be convenient for you to stop home and change first, but we can tell off the bat who you Corporate America folks are. You're not dressed to go trolling for members of the opposite sex. Maxi dresses and similar clothing is also an acceptable alternative during hot weather games where you're uncomfortable wearing shorts, but wearing jeans will actually kill you. You know that dress and hot pair of spiked heels or platforms that you wore while partying in Atlantic City/Vegas? Totally not cool. You look desperate and you're probably not going to find the love of your life at a baseball game. They've all got girlfriends or are married...or both. We know. We've already checked into this.
*Clothes that don't seem to make any sense. There's nothing TECHNICALLY wrong with the outfit. You're wearing your team logo on a top that's in the correct colors, you're not dressed like a sl*t or a tacky Vegas show girl. Your top just doesn't make sense. For example, do you really need to spend $40-$50 on a peasant top that sports the tiniest of team logos near its hem when you could've gone to Old Navy and bought a plain peasant top in your team's color? This one is currently on clearance, but it was once close to $55. Are you kidding? Is that supposed to be funny?
*If you were smart enough to purchase an authentic team t-shirt, do not cut the collar and sleeves so severely that we can see The Girls' tops and sides. We're not sure what you're trying to do here, but every time you stand up to do the wave, we don't want to see your side boob. Or nipples.
*Don't wear your bikini to the game. We don't care if it shows team pride. We don't care if you're hot. You're basically asking to be sexually harassed and/or gang banged by a group of drunk testosterone-driven ape men...who've most likely got hairy backs.
*When you buy jeans with your team logo embroidered on your butt cheeks, you've taken your team loyalty too far.

The more we research and see photos of these dumb chicks at games, the more we wish that we'd been born dudes because we're so embarrassed on behalf of the female gender.

Ladies, when you dress like this, you feed into the stereotype that we know nothing about sports and that we just like watching the hot guys bend over in tight pants. It's totally okay to enjoy watching hot guys bend over in tight pants (let's face it, most guys probably watch the women's US soccer team because they're hoping another chick rips her jersey off), but it's also okay to understand what's happening on the field and what a batting average/ERA/OBP/K/BB/FC/IP/DP is. When you dress like an airhead sports fan, it makes it harder for girls like us who actually enjoy the sport to be taken seriously in a sport-related discussion with a dude. Nearly every guy who talks to us initially assumes that since we're Mets/Yankees fans that we must "love, love, love, love" David Wright/Derek Jeter and that we have zero concept as to what the starting rotation looks like for our teams. It's ANNOYING.

The TBB Do Spring Training 2012

Last week, we asked you lovely sports fans if any of you had superstitions or rituals associated with sports. 10 of you replied, “Yes. I’m not even sure where I begin to describe them all.” Impressively enough, only one person voted for “No. I’m normal. You’re all a pack of a-hole freaks.” Usually, the fact that we offered you an opportunity to call us a-hole freaks is enough to get you guys to mass-vote for it.

With the Superbowl being just a few short hours away, it’s time to come to the understanding that soon, we will have nothing but the New York Islanders to keep us company until April. God, the next month is looking pretty bleak, isn’t it? The good news is that pitchers and catchers report on the 19^th! The bad news is that we’ve come to the realization that we have not adequately prepared for the arrival of baseball season. We’ve been too lax in our training for spring training and beyond. That’s all gonna change!!! Well…it’s all gonna change starting tomorrow because tonight’s the Superbowl and we want to eat and drink our faces off…okay, actually it’s going to change on Tuesday because we still want to go to the bar for 10 cent wings on Monday. Yes, Tuesday. That’s it. We’ll start on Tuesday. Promise.

How do we prepare for the MLB season, you ask? We’ll tell you. We know that you’ve been chomping on the bit to find out.

1.  For starters, being on vacation during the warm weather months will require us to appear in public at some point or another wearing an outfit made of bathing suit material. In an effort not to offend the masses or get harpooned because we were mistaken for Moby Dick, we begrudgingly embrace the fitness. On some days, we do yoga:

On other days, we strength train:

2. Traveling to stadiums can at times be dangerous. We have to be able to protect ourselves from psychotic fans (not of us, but of the teams we’re observing). After a few bad experiences in Boston, Chicago, and Philly, we’ve decided that we need to be better trained in the art of self-defense. Therefore, thanks to the online videos found on MMA Candy, we’ve picked up MMA fighting in our spare time. We feel like we’re borderline professionals right now. We’re like two steps away from getting a belt of some sort. It might be the Hulk Hogan replica belt found at Toys R Us, but it totally counts for something. As you can see in these pictures, we’re obviously in the heavy weight division.

3. We have to coach our stomachs to handle eating ballpark food again. Therefore, we spend a lot of time at fast food joints and local delis…and bars…eating crap. Crap that probably screws with our whole fitness concept, but it is what it is. We’re basically working out to maintain the status quo.

4. To help pay for these trips, we collect spare change like homeless people that we later cash in at the Penny Arcade at TD Bank for dollar, dollar bills, ya’ll. This season, we’re hoping to pay for at least one night’s stay in Toronto.

5. Part of our change fund comes from our “green” habits! We bring our recyclable water bottles (not beer bottles because as you know, we’re very sober) to the local bottle depot and get a whopping 5 cents back on each container!

6. Lastly, it’s important that we purchase tickets to the games that we want. We can’t just up and go to another city and run the risk of not being able to get tickets. What’s the point otherwise? Do you think people just travel to Minneapolis or Milwaukee for absolutely no reason? Unless you want to get roofied. Then definitely, definitely go to Minneapolis and hang out at Prohibition at the W Hotel. You could end up looking and feeling like Lisa:

There’s a better picture of this situation taken in the ladies’ room of the hotel, but we felt that a bit inappropriate to post here. ANYWAY, the point we’re trying to get at here is that we consistently monitor single-game ticket sales. As you can see, the Blue Jays have announced that their tickets go on sale on February 17^th, but in the case of the Braves and Nationals, they haven’t announced their on sale dates yet. Therefore, we’ve joined their online ticket alerts for the time being. Though it’s quite possible that even after we unsubscribe to them, they’ll continue to email us. Subscribe at your own risk, fellow stadium travelers.

This week’s baseball notes:

On Thursday night, a woman was charged with stalking Brian Cashman in an attempt to extort him. Do all of you know who Brian Cashman is? For those who may be living under a rock, he’s the GM for the Yankees. He’s not a player. Or even a retired player. He’s also not attractive. He looks like a box turtle. Not even one of those cute little western turtles that splash around in your home aquatic tank. He’s creepy looking. Sure, he’s wealthy. But if you’re going to extort a Yankee for money, wouldn’t you hit up Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, or CC Sabathia? They’re stupid rich. All in all, this just sounded like a stupidly laid plan. The A-Team would not be impressed. To top it off, his wife has filed for divorce. That’s just a sh*tty week. We’re sorry, Brian. You should drink heavily. But not at a movie theater. Apparently it’s frowned upon to drink alcohol from a travel mug in those establishments.

Brad Penny will be parting ways with the United States in favor for playing ball in Japan. He’ll be playing for the SoftBank Hawks and is expected to arrive in Japan on Wednesday. So long, Penny!  

Jose Reyes doesn’t stop being a complete a$$ hat. He received a trim on national television (because there’s nothing better to put on television these days) because of the Marlins’ rule of “no hair below the helmet line.” Here are some of the gems that came out of his mouth:

“One thing that I do, I wash my hair once a month," Reyes said. "Every time I went to shower, I put a plastic bag on my hair, and David Wright (is) always making fun of me because of that. I don't get my hair wet.” (Of course, David Wright makes fun of you…he’s HYGENIC!!! He bathes like a normal person! It’s one of his better qualities! According to Lisa, he looks like he smells nice. She doesn’t know for sure because she hasn’t been able to sniff his neck or armpit yet, but 2012 is a new year)

"It's going to be a little bit emotional because I spent three years with this hair. But at the same time, I understand this rule of my new team.” (We’re sorry, but we were unaware that you had a vagina. You really are a woman. First, you break up with your long time team on bitter terms and now you’re getting a hair cut like a typical chick. What’s next? A gym membership to build a whole new you?)

"A little bit lighter. It's going to take me a couple of days to get used to it.” (But just think of how much faster your blow dry time is going to be)

The Brewers and pitcher Shaun Marcum avoided an arbitration hearing (again, we fail to become employed by the MLB) this week by agreeing to a 1-year deal worth $7,725,000.

Justin Timberlake and Timbaland closing things out today. “It’s spring training so we’re gonna work our bodies like a carry out. Gonna do some MMA until some bitch taps out. Count my change out, baby, don’t you cut any out! Count my change out, baby, don’t you cut any out!”

Oh, wait for it…Go Giants!!!!

“I’m Not Superstitious, But I Am A Little Stitious”

Last week, we argued our case for why we should be arbitrators. Then we asked if you’d want us on your arbitration panel. 6 of you voted, “yes. You wear suits. And that’s awesome.” It sure is awesome. 1 person apparently didn’t like what we had to say about players being overpaid jack-a-loons and chose, “Oh, HELL no. Taco Bell? Are serious? You’re going to pay me in chalupas? F that!” We’ll have you know that we’ll take Taco Bell any day of the week. Stop being so spoiled.

It’s been a crazy week in New York, celebrating the Giants advancing to the Superbowl for the second time in just a few short years (yes, we know that this is par for the course for the folks up in New England, but give us a break). There’s been a lot of talk of not washing one’s jersey until the Giants lose. As if washing our jersey will somehow wash the magic of victory from our favorite teams.  It got us thinking. What other superstitious habits do fans and athletes (professional and unprofessional) have? Superstitious habits that we truly believe will make some sort of difference in the game’s outcome (or our personal performance). As fans, when we fail to perform these habits, we’re devastated when our team loses because we are the primary reason our team performed so poorly. As athletes, we missed that line drive or struck out because we failed to perform these habits. Some of us may be fully aware that these traditions are completely silly, but we’re not willing to take the chance and NOT partake in them. Others…well…others just have a special way of thinking that’s all.

Let’s cover the fans first, shall we? We’ll pick on ourselves first so that everyone else we pick on doesn’t feel bad about themselves. On the subject of the New York Giants, we legitimately think that our actions AND wardrobe before AND during the game make a difference in regards to how the Giants play. That is why Osi Umenyiora has been the TBB Super Hero of the Week for over a month. We can’t risk changing the Super Hero and having the Giants lose. Let’s start with our pre-game rituals. Lisa comes over to Serena’s house early in the morning. Serena then works us out until total, absolute fatigue. Serena takes a photo of Lisa half-passed out in pain on the floor and posts it to Facebook like a true friend. We take turns showering (as in not together). We get dressed. Both of us wear long-sleeved white shirts and Serena’s unwashed Giants jerseys (to stress this fact: we wear TWO different jerseys. We are not squeezing into the same jersey like a two-headed monster from Sesame Street). Lisa also wears her Mets fleece zip-up. Serena wears knee socks and a necklace with an elephant charm on it. Lisa goes to Brian’s Deli around the corner and buys us egg sandwiches (3 eggs, bacon, cheese, black pepper, ketchup, to which we add hot sauce pilfered from Croxley’s Ale House). Lisa has an in-depth conversation with the clerk at Brian’s Deli about superstitions. The deli clerk has a giant Santa wearing a Giants uniform on his front lawn that has remained lit since the Giants/Jets game. His block must be thrilled with the fact that it’s almost February and he still has a giant light-up Santa on his front lawn. Serena makes us coffee. We eat. After breakfast, we blog. At game time, Lisa wraps her head with Serena’s fleece blanket (aka: her burkah), Serena climbs under her Egyptian cotton comforter, and we drink beer. We do not leave our positions for anything until a commercial break. Even if the temperature of the room becomes stifling, Lisa is not to take off her burkah and Serena is not to remove the comforter…or her pants. While this bizarre behavior may be strictly applied to the New York Giants, we tend to exhibit similar habits during the baseball season. If the Yankees or Mets are on a winning streak, we don’t wash our jerseys. If the team has lost a game while we’ve been in attendance wearing a specific hat, we never wear that hat again during the season (don’t worry, we have plenty of Mets and Yankees hats to make up for one being removed from the rotation).

Next up is Noah (and we should forewarn you that 98.8% of our poll panel is from the same bar that we steal the hot sauce from. We also never got out of our seats to conduct this poll because we’re lazy, so the people mentioned here are pretty much individuals within our vicinity, customers who made the mistake of getting a drink at the bar near us, or employees of aforementioned bar). Noah wears the same jersey and drinks the same beer at the same bar during each game. Noah’s friend, Brendan, drinks an unsweetened iced tea from Dunkin Donuts and he doesn’t wash his jersey. If his team loses, he is overcome by a feeling of failure. That’s his words, not ours. This is the one time where we did not put words into someone else’s mouth. The boys also talked about their friend, Sage, who was not in attendance. Before walking into a Yankees game, Sage always orders 3 Ozzy dogs (we’re not even sure what kind of hot dog that is) from the same street vendor.

Joe explained that during a game, he wears only regular clothes. He does not like to represent the team.

Bill has an old throwback Lawrence Taylor jersey that he only wears on special occasions. It’s only washed after a loss. He’s currently 7-1 with this jersey. Even though the white fabric of the jersey is sporting a stain, he will not wash it until the Giants lose. He will definitely be wearing it for Superbowl. A minor ritual he has before every game is that he posts the same Facebook status prior to the game. That status is, “Gameday.”

Now for the athletes. We don’t care who you are. If you play or once played sports, you have participated in superstitious behavior whether you realized it or not. For example, Serena played college softball with a girl who when she was on the mound, had to start each approach to the mound with the following system: stand at the rear of the circle, take 3 steps toward the rubber starting with her right foot (the third step lightly kicking the rubber with the toe of her right foot before planting). If any part of this procedure went awry, she had to start over again or else the mechanics of her next pitch would be off. Another pitcher on Serena’s team had to face the outfield between each pitch and scan the field to make sure every player was in position before approaching the mound. These are all superstitions. That committing the same act over and over again will in some way, effect what’s going to happen next.

Our paneled athletes came from the same pool (with a few exceptions) as our sports fans panel (remember, we’re lazy). Chris the Bar Back (and hot wing arbitrator) and a fellow patron (also named Chris) both have an at bat ritual. While standing at the plate, the boys use their bat to make a cross (you know…tap north, tap south, tap east, tap west) across homeplate. Chris the Bar Back also had other traditions: it’s bad luck not to wear his #23 wristband during a baseball game and prior to football games, he performed the same stretching routine.

The Great Awesome Super Fantastic Adam The Bartender (yeah, he had absolutely no involvement in how he was portrayed in this blog post) spits in his glove every time he gets into his position at short stop.

Herve played soccer, volleyball, and baseball. Regardless of which sport he was playing, he had to have a vanilla shake before every game. He also wore a lucky wristband.

Serena wore her hair in pigtail braids until a batting streak came to an end. Prior to stepping into the batter’s box, she waited until the catcher was in position. When getting into her position at third at the start of each inning, she smoothed the dirt just ahead of her with her right foot.

Lisa had no pre-game rituals as a cheerleader. Or if she did, she can’t remember them.

You know you’ve seen the professionals do it as well. Ever notice the at bat ritual of Joe Mauer or Nomar Garciaparra. It’s so repetitive that it’s like a tic. It could drive a person crazy to watch these routines over and over and over and over again.  Mauer kicks the dirt around in the batter’s box, runs his hand up and down the handle of the bat, steps into the box and taps his helmet with his left hand. Nomar fiddled with his batting gloves before stepping into the batter’s box and performed some sort of twinkle toes routine combined with a bat swish. We tried to find a better video of it, but this was the best we could do. Ignore the fat man who abruptly steps into the camera’s view just before the second pitch. You can see the whole routine just before the third pitch. Craig Biggio never washed his helmet. It was gross. By the end of the season, it looked like it was dipped in the La Brea Tar Pit. We’re not going to even touch upon the whole Jason Giambi golden thong situation. In fact, we just threw up a little bit in our mouths.

Superstitions can spill onto the pitcher’s mound as well. Ever notice a pitcher who has a no-hitter or perfect game on the line is always sitting at one end of the dugout by himself? And despite the fact that a no-hitter and perfect game is one of the most exciting things to witness, no one ever talks about it while it’s happening? As fans, we don’t even like to talk about it, fearing that it may jinx the pitcher…unless, of course, you want him to fail. Then you chat that sh*t up every chance you can.

Feel free to email us or post a comment to this blog about your strange rituals. We look forward to hearing from you.

Now onto some semblance of normalcy: this week’s baseball notes! On Tuesday, Jorge Posada officially announced his retirement. You can view the video of his speech here. You’ll notice that his wife is extremely hot. Watch this video with caution. It’s a little emotional and we’re a touch embarrassed to admit that we teared up a bit. Serena remembers when Posada when he first came onto the scene. He was a great hitter and a sh*tty catcher who eventually usurped Joe Girardi (who worked with Posada on his fielding skills, mind you. It was very similar to when Anakin Skywalker betrayed his mentor Obi-Wan and struck him down. Yes, we just compared a real life situation to Star Wars. Don’t judge us) behind the plate. At first, Serena hated Jorge and missed Joe (a similar sentiment that Mamadukes felt when Don Mattingly retired and was replaced by Tino Martinez). Over the years, Posada’s ability behind the plate vastly improved and his big Dumbo ears gradually grew on Serena.  Now as we think about how we’ll never see Jorge Posada bat at Yankees Stadium ever again (except maybe at Old Timer’s Day), we can’t help but feel old. First Andy Pettitte. Now Jorge Posada. You know Mariano Rivera’s retirement is gonna come sooner rather than later. He’s like 500 years old. He’s the Yoda of closers (see how we did that? Brought it full circle back to Star Wars again). Then all we’ll be left with is Lisa’s favorite Yankee: Derek Jeter. It’s an end of an era. It’s the Circle of Life. And it moves us all.

The Yankees have officially acquired RHP’s Michael Pineda and Jose Campos in exchange for Jesus Montero and Hector Noesi. With Seattle, Pineda went 9-10 last season with an ERA of 3.74 and finished 5^th in the American League Rookie of the Year Award voting. He led all AL rookies in strikeouts (173) and strikeouts per 9 innings (9.11). The Yankees have also re-signed Andruw Jones to a 1-year contract worth reportedly $2 million with $1.4 million in performance incentives? Really? You need performance incentives? How about a f*cking cookie, you d*ck licker? How about if you don’t do your job well, my foot goes up your ass? F*cking a-hole. Go back to Atlanta. Oh, wait, now they’re too classy for you. What’s another d*ckhead team that you can be a part of? Hmm…the Red Sox. Go frolic around the outfield at Fenway and let them pay you performance incentives. PS- you spell your name wrong, you f*cking d*ck.

Tim Lincecum and the San Francisco Giants have agreed on a 2-year deal worth $40.5 million. It’s a little disappointing that they came to this agreement considering we were ready and able to arbitrate that situation. We tried on outfits and practiced speaking in legal jargon. Serena practiced not using the word, “f*ck.” Or any variation of that word, like f*cked, f*cking, f*cks, f*cker, f*ck-ass, mother f*cker, etc.

As the great Stevie Wonder once said, “Very superstitious behaviors at the bar. Very superstitious unwashed jerseys about to smell. Your 13-hour batting stance broke the no-hitter. The goat’s brought the Cubs 66 years of bad luck. The good things in your past. When you believe in things you don’t understand, then you suffer. Superstition ain’t the way.”

Celebrate Good Times…and Mean it

Last week’s poll told us that our readers are selfish d*cks. Here’s why: apparently no one had in their possession that kick-a$$ “Use The Force for Good” t-shirt, but here’s the worst part. 2 of you decided that even if you DID have it, you wouldn’t give Serena the shirt. Who does that? Who even admits that? What if she smiled at you? Is that enough of an exchange? 2 of you are just plain boring and don’t have the shirt. You’re just a bunch of useless individuals. That’s the conclusion we’ve come up with. We give you priceless literature and infinite humor and memories and in return, we get nothing from you. You don’t even post comments on our blogs!

Enough with the insults. We have exciting news for you! The TBB are going to their first playoff game together! Hooray for you! We know how much you love our game-time pictures! We’re going to Game 1 of the ALDS at Yankees Stadium on Friday! Unfortunately, we won’t be able to post a blog about it until after Sunday because Serena will be working for the Long Island Walk Now for Autism Speaks all weekend. Don’t worry. You’ll still get a weekly post from us, but it will be done by just Lisa.

Speaking of the Division Series, we’re pretty much wrapped up in terms of teams that have clinched. In both leagues, the only spots pending are the Wild Card teams. Just a quick rundown in terms of who we’re above and beyond sure is going to get their a$$es kicked: the Diamondbacks. Every other team has got a fairly decent chance at advancing to the Championship Series. Allow us to explain. The Phillies and Brewers are both very strong teams. Let’s say the Braves take the Wild Card. Since the Phillies have the best record, they’re supposed to be matched up against the team with the worst record, which would be the Braves. The Phillies can’t play the Braves because they’re in the same division, which leaves the Diamondbacks. There is no way in hell that the Diamondbacks are winning that matchup. If the Cardinals take the Wild Card, the Phillies will play them and leave the Diamondbacks to the Brewers. We repeat, there is no way in hell the Diamondbacks are winning that matchup. Dear Arizona, Good luck experiencing your future sweep. Embrace your Cardinals now. PS – your players are the world’s most boring partiers we’ve ever seen. The TBB party harder than that and we’re not rich pansy athletes who’ve just clinched a title. People masturbate with more enthusiasm than the way the Diamondbacks shook their champagne bottles. It was sad. This is what victory looks like (and we weren’t even playing):



Photo taken immediately following a New York Giants victory over the New England Patriots during the 2008 Superbowl

On Monday night, we chowed down on sweet potato fries and amazing 20 cent wings at Croxley’s Ale House while watching the Giants/Rams game. Our feeding frenzy was briefly interrupted (and very much interrupted by our very own Long Island-based Wolf Pack) by the breaking news that Mariano Rivera surpassed Trevor Hoffman for the all-time save record. Congrats to him. Go on, Mo. You can TBB Super Hero of the Week again. Also while watching Monday Night Football, there was one jack ass that apparently was so invested in the MLB that the bartender was forced to waste one television on the Braves/Marlins game. Just wasteful. Pal, we live in New York and the Giants were the MNF game. Let’s get our priorities in order here. Even when the Giants are terrible, we still watch them over an Atlanta/Florida baseball game.

Last but not least, this video is literally one of the funniest things we've ever seen. Jayson Werth, in an attempt to help Teddy win the Presidents' Race (because he never wins), enlisted the Nationals' bullpen to thwart the other Presidents. Werth ended up winning the race. This sh*t was 100 times better than the Diamondbacks celebrating their title.