Sunday, September 15, 2013

Kauffman Stadium

Kauffman Stadium
1 Royal Way
Kansas City, MO 64129

July 20, 2013
We left the rental car place in St. Louis around 11:00 for our road trip to Kansas City. We had purchased tickets to the Early Bird Package, which meant we had to be at the stadium 2 hours and 40 minutes prior to game time (7:00) in order to enjoy our semi-private viewing of the museum and batting practice.

Serena drove (because she's the man in this relationship) and we listened to a very exciting playlist that she created on her iPod specifically for this trip. Naturally, the list included 98 Degrees. What kind of road trip would this be if we didn't listen to 98 Degrees? And rising? The Royals play in a complex similar to the Phillies (and Eagles and Flyers) in that the Chiefs and Royals share parking fields.
We are told that tailgating in Kansas City is kind of a big deal. Unfortunately, since we had the Early Bird Package, we didn't get to experience that for ourselves, BUT there were already tailgaiters present when we arrived at the stadium at 3:30 pm.
For only $10, the Early Bird Package was a cool experience to have at least once. You get the evening's free giveaway, access to the museum before the stadium gets crowded, and prime real estate for viewing both the Royals AND away team's batting practice.
The Royals actually have a pretty nice museum. It comes pretty darn close to rivaling the Yankees' museum. It's big for us to admit when another team out-performs our own. We included the photos that we felt highlighted the museum.
 Obviously the collection of bobbleheads were included in this list of so-called "highlights."
 This All Star Game Statue of Liberty ordeal is now becoming a painful running joke.
 Each ball is a representation of one of George Brett's 3, 154 career hits. Pretty bad ass, no?
Check out the photos from batting practice:
This Tigers fan was pretty epic. The players actually knew and recognized him. They waved to him and laughed at his signs. We think they were making fun of him, but it's still pretty cool to have some sort of personal connection to the Tigers' starting lineup. Positive or negative. Attention is attention. Get it any way you can. It's a great self-esteem booster.
We waited as long as we could for a glimpse of Serena's Future Ex-Husband, but then heard the announcement that Sluggerrr would be posing for photos and signing autographs. So...Future Ex-Husband or delightful mascot? Hmmm...

...obviously we made a run for the mascot. He was a pervert. He tapped Lisa's booty and groped Serena's side boob. There are drunk men at bars that aren't as brazen as that.
After Sluggerrr, we hit up the team store to pick up our usual souvenirs - team hat and stuffed mascot.
The line at the team store was INSANE. It took us roughly 30-45 minutes to get in and out of that store. You could barely move through the store without rubbing up against a stranger. It was awkward and uncomfortable.

From the store and pig statue, we decided to check out what the rest of the stadium had to offer. Kauffman Stadium has the best Kids' Zone we've ever visited to date located in the center field area. It trumped the Brewers' Kids' Zone, but by a minimal margin. Very, very cool. They had hitting, pitching, base running, mini golf, playgrounds, and a carousel. It was amazing. Fun for all ages and all sizes.
The BBQ stand was also in center field, so we grabbed our food before heading to our seats. The stand offered a lot of meal options. The Rookie included one meat for $7.75, the Shortstop included one meat and one side for $9.75, and the Designated Hitter included two meats and two sides for $11. The options for sides were cheesy corn, cole slaw, baked beans, and potato salad. Serena does not find any of that appealing, so she opted the Rookie with brisket and a side of seasoned fries ($6). Lisa went with a Shortstop (Derek Jeter lover, would you say?) with turkey and a side of corn. As you can tell, we ventured forth and tried out new meats for you. Because we care.
The fries and brisket were really tasty. The turkey was acceptable, but nothing to write home about. It was also better than Busch Stadium's pulled pork. The cheesy corn was terrible. Lisa regretted the decision immensely. In fact, if you look at this picture, you can tell that the corn is bad without putting it in your mouth.

By the time we got to our seats, the game was in the second inning and Detroit led 2-1.
Our pitching matchup was Jeremy Guthrie and Serena's Future Ex-Husband #4.
In the bottom of the 3rd, Sluggerrr made an appearance to lead the "orchestra" in a rally song in the left field stands. Abruptly, Sluggerrr ran up the steps to where a group of fans held signs for the Tigers and beat all of the signs with his wiffle bat. It was pretty amazing. Our only regret is that we didn't video the scene. By the time we realized the level of hilarity unfolding before us, it was too late.
Back to the sh*t show that the game was rapidly becoming. The Royals tied the game on a 2-run double hit by Salvador Perez, scoring Eric Hosmer and Billy Butler.

In the bottom of the 4th, hot dogs raced around the field, much to our delight.
Also, in the bottom of the 4th, Serena's Future Ex-Husband #4 continued to get anally r*ped without any sort of lubrication. It was fantastic. On a fantasy AND personal level, Verlander failed Serena.  Lorenzo Cain led things off with a single to right field followed by a Mike Moustakas single to right field. David Lough hit a single to center field. Wonderful. Alcides Escobar lined out to second and not on a bitch hit either. Needless to say, Verlander got lucky on that one. Chris Getz hit into a 4-6 fielder's choice, scoring Cain from third. Getz stole second and Verlander walked Alex Gordon because he didn't already put enough men on base. But wait! He wasn't done putting men on base yet! He also walked Hosmer, which allowed Moustakas to basically moon walk home. Finally, the a-hole struck out Butler, but who cares? The score was 5-3. Great for the Royals. Terrible for Tigers Love Pepper. And also Serena's imaginary sex life with Justin Verlander because CLEARLY after this performance, he'd be sleeping on the imaginary couch that they had in the imaginary apartment that they shared.

The Tigers would go on to tie the game in the top of the 5th, but it didn't matter because Verlander continued to suck, as Brother would say, a bag of d*cks. Moustakas pummeled a 381 foot home run off of Verlander and rounded the bases to a chorus of "Mooooooooooooose" (reminding Serena of Mike Mussina) and an explosion of fountains.
Verlander retired the next and final batter of the inning, but was shortly after relieved by Al Alburqurque.

The Royals fans conducted a group sing along of Garth Brooks' "Friends in Low Places" that made us want to kill ourselves. Serena actually wrote in our notebook, "my ears weep tears of pain." We were obviously not meant for country music. We've found a YouTube video of it so that you too can weep tears of pain.

The Royals won the game with a final score of 6-5, which is pretty unimpressive considering we walked into the stadium assuming we'd get a good pitching matchup.
Upon leaving the stadium, we ended up accidentally getting corralled out of a gate nowhere near our car. Figuring it was just like any other stadium, we didn't panic. We simply chose to walk the circumference of the stadium to get to the other side of the parking lot. Turns out, you can't really do that at Kauffman because the sidewalk eventually ends. Next thing you know, you're hopping over a low wall and walking through wet grass and mosquitos in an area behind the ballpark that is probably known as "R*pe Meadow."
So, folks, the lesson here is that if you're ever at a Royals' game, be sure to exit the stadium at the gate in which you parked.


  1. What did you two think of the scoreboard. I was impressed with it and still think its one if the best in baseball.
    I guess slugger has good taste in women, huh?

    1. It was amazing! We actual have a ton of pictures of it in both our cameras. When we first saw it we stared at it in all its glory. We imagined that if we each had one in our apartments that watching a footballor baseball game on it would be legendary. Haha

  2. does Slugger have a Champagne Room at the Stadium?

    my god..that corn is going to give me nightmares.

    1. Yeaa.. That's just one of many terrible decisions that have came back and haunted me -Lisa