With Brian McCann's recent signing with the Yankees, it's time for us to face the inevitable. McCann will have to shave his beautifully cultivated beard.
Sure. McCann may be a ginger and that's awful, but take a look at that mindful, grooming technique. There's no leftover food hanging out in his whiskers. Not scraggly pieces of fur. No forest creatures whistling a Disney tune within its roughage. Even better is the fact that it's not a sissy mary anorexic beard. So many men struggle to grow proper day to day whiskers and as a result, they look like creepy a-holes. Pansies with sparse weeds sprouting here and there. Not McCann.
Alas, thanks to the Yankees' Employee Handbook, McCann must become clean shaven. The most boring of looks for the male gender. Since McCann has to part with his beautiful beard, we've decided to offer him the opportunity of allowing us to shave him. We are awesome at shaving our own legs, so this shouldn't be too hard, especially considering his face is a smaller surface area than our legs are. He will pay us a fee, naturally, which will then be donated to a charity of our choice. Like animals or Freds. Maybe breasts.
Sir McCann, please feel free to have your assistant contact us at his/her earliest convenience so that we may schedule an appointment for your charitable shaving. Thank you and have a nice day.