We Bid Adieu to Monsieur McCann's Beard

With Brian McCann's recent signing with the Yankees, it's time for us to face the inevitable. McCann will have to shave his beautifully cultivated beard.

Allow us to have a moment of silence for the most perfect full beard in the MLB.






Sure. McCann may be a ginger and that's awful, but take a look at that mindful, grooming technique. There's no leftover food hanging out in his whiskers. Not scraggly pieces of fur. No forest creatures whistling a Disney tune within its roughage. Even better is the fact that it's not a sissy mary anorexic beard. So many men struggle to grow proper day to day whiskers and as a result, they look like creepy a-holes. Pansies with sparse weeds sprouting here and there. Not McCann.

Alas, thanks to the Yankees' Employee Handbook, McCann must become clean shaven. The most boring of looks for the male gender. Since McCann has to part with his beautiful beard, we've decided to offer him the opportunity of allowing us to shave him. We are awesome at shaving our own legs, so this shouldn't be too hard, especially considering his face is a smaller surface area than our legs are. He will pay us a fee, naturally, which will then be donated to a charity of our choice. Like animals or Freds. Maybe breasts.

Sir McCann, please feel free to have your assistant contact us at his/her earliest convenience so that we may schedule an appointment for your charitable shaving. Thank you and have a nice day.

All-Star Ballot? Already?

Lisa is in Punta Cana right now, so I regret to inform you that you’ll be dealing with me alone today. I promise to be somewhat well-behaved. Last week, we asked you what you do with yourself when rain shuts down your baseball quality time. Only 3 people had any inclination to vote, which makes me think that we’re starting to lose you people. I realize that we’re a-holes and that a lot of the crap we write on this blog is complete nonsense, but really, we just want to make you laugh. Don’t you find us funny anymore? Did you ever find us funny? Anyway, all 3 folks claimed that they like to get f*cked up and pass out in the middle of the living room when there’s no baseball. This makes me think that we cater to the unique group of individuals known as “alcoholics.” No one chose, “watch a Real Housewives marathon on BRAVO,” “pick my nose (and this was truly a wise decision as I would’ve spent several paragraphs making fun of anyone who chose this option),” or “I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond.”

It’s hard for me to talk about what’s been going on in New York in terms of baseball because I haven’t been able to watch. Why? Cable’s been acting like a real NTAC (no talent a$$ clown), so while I’ve had access to the Real Housewives marathons on BRAVO (just what I need), I’ve had no access to SNY or YES (for those of you out-of-staters, SNY is the network home of the Mets and YES is the network home of the Yankees). I managed to catch the Brewers/Cardinals game on FOX yesterday afternoon, but needless to say, I’ve been quite frustrated with the fact that my only connection to the Mets and Yankees has been via baseball apps on my portable internet machine (the cell phone). However, a nice man showed up today and waved a weird-a$$ device around the apartment that I’m pretty sure the Ghostbusters used to catch Slimer and now I am enjoying YES for the first time all week.

If you’re registered with MLB.com like Lisa and I are, you probably receive at least 5 stupid emails a day. I received a disturbing one yesterday. MLB is already asking fans to vote for this year’s All Stars. How is this even possible? We’re still in the first month of the season. Personally, I feel that voting shouldn’t even begin until June. How could you possible rate players’ performances based on one month of duty? That’s ridiculous. That’s like my boss giving me my performance evaluation for this year now.

Of course, I’m bitching about this as if people aren’t going to vote for the same guys they vote for every year. Let me take a wild guess and say that 50% of the American League starting lineup will be made up of Yankees, 30% will be Red Sox players, and the remaining 20% will be a cocktail of the remaining teams. Oh, and duh, TOWSNBN will obviously be the starting thirdbaseman for the National League because god forbid we should vote someone else into that position. The sad thing is that one of the Yankees that should be considered an All Star will most likely won’t be an All Star because he’s not a big name like Curtis Granderson (this is in no way suggesting that Grandy shouldn’t be an All Star because he’s a fantastic athlete that can do just about anything—bunt, hit for average, hit for power, steal, field, maybe even cook a decent meal and do laundry) nor does he have a lovable, popular personality like Nick Swisher (again, I love Swish, but should he be the starting right fielder for the American League? No…unless, of course, you’re only taking into consideration his April performance). The player I’m talking about is Brett Gardner. Gardy does everything right. He works hard, gets the bunt down, he’s a phenomenal base runner in a time when base running as a skill has taken a giant dump (actually, come to think of it, bunting is another skill that has become a lost art), and he’s a fantastic left fielder! He really doesn’t get enough credit. Plus, even Lisa loves him. That should tell you something since the only other Yankee she is in love with is Derek Jeter. Unfortunately, unless you have the privilege of being able to watch the Yankees on a daily basis (or happen to be an avid fantasy follower), you probably don’t know who Gardy is and since you don’t know who he is, you’re never going to vote him onto the All Star team. It really is a shame.

The All Star ballot will be officially launched on Friday. Do the right thing, folks. Do the right thing.

Baseball notes!

Tim Lincecum continues to cultivate my utter adoration for him. He just doesn’t stop. I wish he would at this point. My affection for him can no longer be deemed healthy. He doesn’t even play in New York. I need to be in love with someone who plays for my team. Yesterday, Padres’ pitcher Anthony Bass carried a perfect game into the 6^th inning when lo and behold, Lincecum stepped up to the plate and ran out an infield single to short stop. Look at that skinny boy hustle down the line. Love that shit. As if that didn’t earn his pay check, the boy pitched 8 innings in the Giants’ 2-1 victory, giving up only 1 unearned run, striking out 5, and walking 4. The walks aren’t so sexy, but the good news is that Timmy looks to be returning to form.

Today, Braves’ fans will have the pleasure of seeing Tim Hudson make his 2012 debut after recovering from spinal fusion surgery. Even more good news is that the Braves could potentially get Brian McCann back for Monday night. McCann left Friday’s game early with a strained right intercostal muscle. I sincerely wish I could speak to that injury but I don’t even know what an intercostal muscle is…or what body part it’s attached to. For all I know, it’s something in his ear.

Michael Pineda is officially out for the season, requiring surgery to repair his torn anterior labral. Again, I wish I knew what this was, but based on what I’ve heard, I am pretty confident that this is something in his shoulder. Especially considering I don’t think Pineda has a vagina. This is probably an extremely inappropriate joke, but as I said earlier, Lisa isn’t here so I don’t have anyone keeping me in check.

If you hate Justin Verlander (and I don’t know how that’s possible seeing as how he loves Taco Bell), I dare you to watch this video and not become all squishy inside for him.

Lastly, anyone not rooting for a team in the NL East want to take a stab at who is leading the division? It’s not the Phillies or the Mets. It’s not even the Marlins, who talked a lot (and I mean, a lot) of shit this off-season. The Marlins, with their fancy new stadium, are in last place. The team leading the NL East is the Washington Nationals, followed closely by the Braves. What a shocker. Good for them. Shake things up in the east.  

Before I sign off, I just want to give folks the heads up that the 3^rd Annual Fred K’s Cancer Event has been relocated from Cantiague Park to Eisenhower Park (North Linden Picnic Area, Parking Field 6A) due to a scheduling mix-up on the part of Nassau County. We hope to see as many people as possible, so please join us on Saturday, June 23^rd, where you’ll get a chance to meet and walk with The Freds. You may even meet a few folks that are listed in the TBB Lingo & Cronies page of this blog. Also, if there is any way I can sell something of Lisa to you in order to convince you to come down, I’ll be more than happy to do that. She’s not here to defend herself, so I’m allowed to do this. I mean, I can’t sell her body to you or anything like that, but almost everything else is open for negotiations. Very exciting stuff. You can register to participate online here.  

Next week, Lisa will be back so there’ll be no vagina jokes. Swear.

-Serena

Old Time Rock N’ Roll

Following the release of the Forbes’ Most Disliked Athletes, we asked you why you hated Kris Humphries. 12 of you actually responded. Wow. Apparently we found something you’re passionate about. A man with no personality. Exciting stuff. 5 of you said that you were jealous of the fact that he penetrated Kim Kardashian. Not surprising that this choice was the winner. In second place with 4 votes is “I don’t hate him. I actually have no idea who the hell he is.” 3 of you voted for “It’s his hair. Something about it. Makes me feel like he’s not to be trusted.” No one voted for the fact that he spells his name wrong. If we voted on our own polls, that would’ve gotten at least 1 vote because his spelling of the name “Chris” drives Serena crazy. How stupid could his parents possibly be? Everyone knows Chris is spelled with a “Ch,” not a “K.” It’s just like that a-hole Andruw Jones. It’s An-DREW, d*ckhead!

By now, we’ve all heard the news that Hall of Fame catcher Gary Carter died following a battle with brain cancer that lasted approximately 9 months. Lisa returned home from work on Thursday to find Papa L heartbroken over the news. Gary Carter had always been one of the good ones. Hard working, played with fire, never heard anything scandalous about him, rallied his teammates, was about the team, not himself or his stats. In professional sports these days, a good man like Carter is hard to find and it seems as though the good ones can’t catch a break while the bad apples are given everything on a silver plate. Imagine what classy players like Don Mattingly and Ken Griffey Jr. could have done with their careers had they not had the misfortune of being plagued with injuries. Johan Santana and Justin Morneau are both coming off of severe injuries confident that they’ll return healthy for the 2012 season, but there’s no telling what the Mets and Twins are actually going to get out of these players no matter how hard they work to get back to their original form.

On the flip side, players like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez, Carlos Beltran, and Jose Reyes were given a gift and instead of appreciating it and playing the game the way it should’ve been, they disrespected the it. Sprinkled among this gambit of jerk offs are steroid scandals, wagging tongues, lies, disrespect of management, selfishness, and flat out laziness. The most recent example of this is Jose Reyes. His departure for Miami clearly displayed that money was more important to him than being a part of a team (like Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Tim Wakefield, Ken Griffey Jr., Tim Lincecum, Joe Mauer). Reyes spent years with the Mets following the signing of his big contract acting insubordinate to his management (Willie Randolph) and putting for zero effort on the field. In the final year of his contract, in an attempt to make a “good impression” on potential employers, he stepped up his game and began to play like the Reyes of old. One good season is not enough. You should be playing with heart every day. You’re paid to play, not look pretty. If that’s what you wanted out of a career, you should’ve called Tyra Banks for a position on America’s Next Top Model (ahem, we’re talking to you, Carlos Beltran).

Having an utter disregard for how the game was meant to be played is the most frustrating thing to watch as a fan. You pay good money to watch these players and it’s disappointing to feel like you care more about the outcome than they do. Not running out ground balls, not taking the extra two steps to catch a ball on the fly, swinging at bad pitches (or just watching it pass by), and not taking the extra base when it’s available to you is unacceptable. You learn these basic skills in little league. Now that you get paid to do these little things, what exactly is your problem? What the hell happened to you? You cared at one point. The aftermath of the dropped Luis Castillo pop up during the Subway Series at Yankees Stadium in 2009 blew our minds. Not because Castillo dropped the ball (that was bad enough), but because Mark Teixeira scored from first on the play. People carried on about what heads up base running that was and that’s absolutely true. It was heads up base running, but on the same token, it was two outs. He should’ve been running hard period. That’s something you learn in week 2 of playing little league. So, yeah, he should get a pat on the back for doing it, but he was also doing his job properly. Why are we making such a big deal about it? He was SUPPOSED to do that. Once upon a time, the Andruw Joneses and Alphonso Sorianos of the game used to run hard like that. Being paid big money isn’t an acceptable excuse. In fact, neither is age because despite big money and getting older, you still see Derek Jeter, TOWSNBN, and Jayson Werth running everything out. They might have lost a step or two as they’ve gotten older, but that doesn’t prevent them from playing up to the best of their ability. That’s what matters. Brian McCann is slow as sh*t, but that doesn’t stop him from running the bases as hard as he possibly can. Check out this video clip of his first big league triple. You can pretty much stop watching after 1:24 because the rest of the clip is Jeff Francoeur scoring McCann on a sac fly. Note how Chipper Jones nearly pisses himself from laughing at McCann’s base running. He may look ridiculous, but he’s hustling! As he should be.

The cult following behind Jason Varitek is flabbergasting. Do these people realize that he’s a lazy catcher? Most of his pass balls are not a result of the pitcher’s inaccuracy, but because he was too lazy to move his fat a$$ into a better fielding position. When you’re learning how to field, you’re taught that whenever possible, get your body in front of the ball. On the field, the catcher probably has the easiest time of this than any of his/her teammates. Why? Because the ball is being thrown directly to him. Instead of sticking your glove out to catch a ball to the right or left of you, shuffle your damn feet, and move your butt to get in front of the ball. How friggin’ hard is that? You see college kids doing it all the time. Hell, you see Joe Mauer doing it all the time and he’s got to be the biggest damn catcher we’ve ever seen. He’s got grasshopper legs. From that position, if the ball bounces off of you, it’ll at least stay in front of you, keeping the runners from advancing as opposed to the ball ricocheting off your glove and rolling off to god knows where. We think these lollygagging players need a little bit of this to get them back on track.

Being mouthy is second only to laziness. We’ll accept your douchey personality if you play the game the way it was meant to be (Chipper Jones). Pedro Martinez, Manny Ramirez, Carl Pavano, Jimmy Rollins, Josh Beckett, Dallas Braden and Andruw Jones are all talented athletes. They were all given gifts that normal, everyday people will never come close to. Instead of being humble, they became legends in their own minds. Dallas Braden, for example, apparently pays the mortgage on the mound at McAfee Coliseum. No one’s allowed to run across it. Not even Alex Rodriguez, who unlike Braden, has definitely clocked in many hours working with the MLB. What’s worse about Braden is that he plays for the A’s. This man isn’t even a douchebag playing in Boston, Philly, or New York where douchebags grow on trees. Pedro Martinez threw an old man (Don Zimmerman) on the ground and not only did he not apologize for this type of behavior, he apparently saw nothing wrong with it. Jimmy Rollins needs to stop for two seconds and shut the f*ck up. Just play the stupid game. Quit your damn yammering. You sound like an a-hole. Carl Pavano’s got a lot wrong with him. The Marlins’ World Series championship against the Yankees in 2003 proved that the boy could not only pitch, but pitch well in high pressure situations. What followed his departure from the Marlins is truly astounding. The man got into car accident and didn’t tell anyone in the Yankees organization of his injuries. He just decided he’d pitch through them. Way to take the team’s well-being into consideration on that one, pal. Good job.

After a lot of bitching on our part, we present you with this week’s baseball notes: All Star outfielder and 3-time Gold Glove winner Mike Cameron has announced his retirement after 17 years of playing. Cameron had agreed to terms with the Nationals just two months prior. Over the span of his career, he played with 8 teams including the White Sox, Mariners, Marlins, Mets, Padres, and Brewers.

45-year old knuckle-baller Tim Wakefield also announced his retirement after 19 years with the league, 17 of them playing for the Red Sox. That’s amazing. Players just don’t stay with teams for that long anymore.

In asstastic news, Jayson Werth still looks like a hairy a-hole, but at the very least, he’s trimmed the beast that’s residing on his face. Maybe the TBB’s are finally rubbing off on him.

Bob Seger rounds out the day with, “Just give us the old time baseball players. The kind of men that played with soul. We reminisce about the days of old with those old time baseball players.”

Facial Hair Around the League Strikes Back

After recounting our experiences with the worst (and best) things we’ve ever put into our mouths (at a ballpark) to date, we decided to ask you what you thought the worst thing we’ve put into our mouths (at a ballpark) was. 7 of you voted and the feedback appears to be split between two items: the Dodger Dog) and the $1 hot dog from Target Field. 4 of you voted for the $1 hot dog and 3 chose the Dodger Dog.

One year ago today, we brought to you our “Facial Hair Around the League” blog (you should know that we now have the Star Wars theme playing in the background as we type this, making this blog even more epic than usual). At first, we were concerned about how you’d feel about such an asstastic blog, considering it had very little to do with the actual sport of baseball and more to do with what we find attractive in the male species. However, you seemed to enjoy it very much. It was even featured on our Popular Posts blogroll for an extended period of time. That being said, we decided that we should bring you an updated edition of the aforementioned Facial Hair post as it’s quite clear that men have failed to take our advice seriously as there’s a repeat offender on our list. He’s a man who, no matter how often we beg, refuses to acquiesce to our request. More surprising is that there’s one man on this list who is typically the golden boy of 5:00 shadows. He apparently lost his goddamn mind this year.

Let’s start with the hot messes, shall we?

Jayson Werth. Is anyone really shocked that this a-hole is on our hairy sh*t list? He was featured on our original Facial Hair Around the League post AND we wrote him a personal letter asking him to do something about the horrendous decisions he makes when playing with razors. It appears as though moving to DC hasn’t helped things. What in god’s name is that? Lisa thinks she just saw a pigeon fly out of it. It’s disgusting. Just looking at it gives us lice. Lisa’s itchy.

Barry Zito. This is the most disappointing situation in the entire facial hair community. You might be asking yourselves why is this so disappointing? It’s just a moustache. No. It’s so much more than that. It’s the end of mankind as we know it. Forget 2012. Barry Zito’s moustache is going to kill us all. Once upon a time, Barry Zito could do no wrong with his facial hair (and pitching come to think of it. My, how things have changed). He sported everything from clean shaven (Lisa’s personal favorite), full beard, goatee, to varying degrees of the 5:00 shadow (Serena’s personal favorite) and he did it with impeccable grace. He was the poster child for how men should groom their faces. Then it all went terribly wrong at the start of the 2011 season when we noticed that he adopted a 1970’s porn-stache. Gentlemen, this is quite possibly one of the most offensive things you could possibly do to your face. What are you thinking when you decide to go with growing a black caterpillar beneath your nose? In Jayson Werth’s case, he just let himself go out of laziness. Or maybe when the full moon hits, he turns into a werewolf and eats people. Zito’s situation is so much worse because it was obviously pre-meditated as the rest of his face was clean shaven. He actually intended to look like Tom Selleck.  

Brian Wilson. We know that the beard is magical. We get it. We know that the hair and ridiculous bush on his face is all about exerting his independence. We get that he’s got “personality.” He’s not just a pretty face, ya know. We get that. Really. We do. However, at some point, you need to let that sh*t go. On the subject of 1970’s porn, Zito might have the stache, but Wilson is sporting the 1970’s porn bush. As in vagina. His actual hair is bad enough. Couple that with the porn bush and there’s not much else to say. Mr. Wilson, do you get laid? We have this theory that you’re hung like an elephant’s trunk, but jeez, guy. That’s only gonna get you so far and we can’t imagine a girl wanting to make out with you under those circumstances. Furthermore, how do you go down town with that crap on your face? Doesn’t it get in the way???

Will Rhymes. We’re not sure what’s happening here. Either this disaster was pre-planned (which is pathetic) or Rhymes is literally unable to grow a full beard. In those instances, gentlemen, please don’t bother growing the beard. Shave it. You look like a giant partial hairy a-hole when you’ve got bald patches and tufts of hair here and there. He looks like he couldn’t even commit to a moustache. He must have commitment problems because if you can’t even commit to growing a full beard, you can’t commit to one vagina. Plus, he must have body hair issues because why else is his neck so damn hairy whereas his face is like that of a baby’s bottom??? Friggin’ weird.

Now…onto the promising young chaps of the 2011 season

Brian McCann. If you’re going to go full beard, this is the way to do it. Aside from being a ginger, which is creepy, McCann has grown a mostly even beard and it’s well maintained. There are no stragglers, no wildlife emerging from the underbrush, no porn music, you can see his mouth clearly, and most importantly, last night’s meal didn’t get lodged there by mistake. If he could just not be a ginger, we’d be kosher with his look.

CJ Wilson. Good grief, this boy is smokin’ hot. Unfortunately, he’s crazy and sober, but that’s a whole other blog for a different day. This is how you do “extra” scruff without committing to an actual beard (or porn-stache). As you can see, Wilson is just at the precipice of sh*t getting out of hand. Another day or two and he’ll need to buzz it down so he doesn’t start looking like a beast. A beast with rabies. This is heaven. Maybe not so much for Lisa, but definitely for Serena. And despite the extra fur, even Lisa can admit to wanting to lick his face off. That’s how good Wilson looks. Men, take note. Meow. This kind of facial hair, when done well, could get you laid.

Justin Verlander. Ah. The “clean” version of the scruff. Like Wilson, Verlander is also sporting a 5:00 shadow of some sorts, only his is more on the conservative side. This is also sexy. With this look, Verlander exudes manly musk, tough and rough play, might pull your hair a little bit, masculinity, hotness, rip-his-clothes-off naughty yet, at the same time, remains controlled and hygienic. Like a true gentleman. Boys, invest in a buzzer as opposed to an actual razor. This way you can maintain a scruff without ever having to go clean shaven again.

Cole Hamels. Hamels is demonstrating how to do a “barely there” scruff. This is as close to Lisa’s clean shaven look as this particular blog post will permit. This is a look you want to go for if you don’t want to go clean shaven, but your woman doesn’t dig nuzzling up to fuzz. It’s what we call a compromise. You’ll still get laid and you get to keep some manly facial hair while your woman won’t bitch about your 5:00 shadow giving her a rash when she makes out with you. Serena doesn’t have much use for the clean shaven look, but even she admits that Hamels needs to be nibbled on, so you know that’s saying something. If you’re not sure what your girl likes, go with this until you find out more. It’s just like when you can’t figure out what color looks best on you, you go with the old reliable black shirt. It’s a no fail. Win-win.

Baseball notes:

According to a source, former Phillies’ closer Ryan Madson has signed a 1-year contract with the Reds that will pay him $6 million in 2012 with an $11 million option for 2013 that carries a $2.5 million buyout. The deal itself is on hold thanks mostly to Madson being on vacation and failing to schedule his physical. Farewell to the only Phillies player that Serena was willing to bang. Lisa’s Forbidden Love, on the other hand, is still with the Phillies’ organization.

Justin Verlander made an appearance on Conan O’Brien where the two men discussed Verlander’s pre-game rituals. Turns out, Serena and the Cy Young Award winner have more in common than we previously thought. Verlander said, “The night before, as you can tell by my amazing physique, I eat Taco Bell. Every night.” He even shared the specifics of his order: “Three crunchy taco supremes, no tomato, cheesy gordita crunch, and a Mexican pizza, no tomato.” We think Serena may have found her soul mate. Now all we have to do is get them to “serendipitously” meet. Perhaps at a Taco Bell. After carefully reviewing the video of this interview, it’s been decided that Justin Morneau has been demoted from Serena’s Future Husband to Serena’s Future Ex-Husband #3. Justin Verlander, on the other hand, shall now hold the title of Serena’s Future Husband.

Commissioner Bud Selig’s 2-year extension through the 2014 season was approved on Thursday night by MLB’s ownership. Not sure anyone really gives a crap, but there we have it.

Remember Johan Santana? Yeah, we kind of forgot he existed as well. The man’s been busy rehabbing in Florida from the surgery he had on his left shoulder. There’s a really long article on MLB.com that basically offered us no answers and included positive, negative, and uncertain feedback. Super helpful. The headline even leads us to wonder what the f is going on: “Mets See Rehabbing Left-Hander Johan Santana’s Tank as Half-Full.” Half-full? Really? The man’s been out for over a year now. He’s not even ¾ of a tank full yet? The Mets are hopeful for him to undergo a proper spring training and to be ready be for the start of the season, but we’ll see. Right now, it feels a little bit like Santana is the Missing Link. There are rumors he exists, but we haven’t seen any evidence of it yet. If the Mets are counting on him to be their savior this year, that is pretty scary.

Closing out this week with a little bit of classic MJ: “Shave it. Shave it. Jayson Werth, won’t you please shave it? Use a razor. It could be nice. It doesn’t matter if it’s disposable or not. Just shave it.”

Watching Paint Dry is More Entertaining

So…we had 1 vote this week. Nice job, guys. It’s not like we asked you to do long division. It was legitimately the easiest poll imaginable. All you had to do was pick which team you thought would win the All Star Game. That 1 vote went to the National League and we’re not even going to congratulate you for being right because we know you voted after the game was played. You freakin’ cheater.

Apparently the TBB know nothing about home run hitters because both of us were wrong. In fact, neither of our choices even advanced to the final round. Serena’s Holliday tanked in the first round and Lisa’s Cabrera sucked a fat one in the second. Fatty Ortiz beat out Hanley Ramirez (who thought HE’D make it to the final round? Don’t lie and say you did. You’re the one who probably voted for the National League after the game was over) with 11 home runs to Ramirez’s 5. We don’t know about you, but we thought this year’s Derby was a little dull in comparison to the last two. Oh, well. We suppose that they all can’t live up to Josh Hamilton’s stellar performance at Yankees Stadium 2 years ago.

As you’ve probably heard by now (unless you live in a bomb shelter underground), the Yankees suffered two major losses heading into the All Star Break, neither affecting their season win-loss record. Early on Sunday morning, the Yankees announced that long time PA announcer, Bob Sheppard died at the age 99. He was known around the league as the “Voice of God” and held his position at Yankees Stadium for nearly 5 decades.

Keeping with the apparent somber theme of this blog, on the morning before the All Star Game, Yankees owner, George Steinbrenner died at the age 80. According to reports, he had a heart attack and was taken to St. Joseph’s Hospital in Tampa, Florida where he died at around 6:30 am. He’d owned the Yankees for 37 years. Under his reign, the team won 7 World Series championships, 11 AL pennants, and 16 AL East titles.

A video tribute to Steinbrenner was shown at the All Star Game and a moment of silence was shared prior to the National Anthem. The Yankees wore black armbands in memory of he and Sheppard and the US, Canadian, and California flags were lowered to half staff.

Now onto an extremely dull display of baseball. The National League won 3-1, the team’s first win since 1996. We think that might be a longer drought than the Islanders’ having won a playoff game and that’s saying a lot. The NL took the lead in the 7th when Brian McCann hit a bases clearing, 3-run double off of Matt Thornton. Let us repeat. Not a triple. A double. He’s literally the slowest man in professional sports. Serena could probably run faster than him and she considers a level “4” on the treadmill hardcore running. Lisa sprints at “5.5.” This hit earned him All Star MVP honors. Even better than that, it earned him an award that’s considered higher than Oscar or an ESPY. A Pulitzer or Nobel, you ask? No. Much more prestigious than that. He’s the TBB Super Hero of the Week. When we delivered the news, he cried, thanked God, and offered to take us to a celebratory dinner at Hooters with Frenchy Boy. McCann is a nice guy…unlike SOME baseball players we know that play third for the Mets. Not mentioning names.

Matt Capps (Nationals) got the win while Phil Hughes (Yankees) suffered the loss since the runners on base before McCann hit the double were his responsibility.

Baseball Notes:
The Yankees will wear patches on their uniforms in honor of Steinbrenner and Sheppard. The Steinbrenner patch will be worn over the interlocking NY on the home jerseys and over the York on the away jerseys.

The Sheppard patch will be worn on the left sleeve. Both are on the left side, near the heart.

Serena’s future husband has been placed on the 15-day DL due to a concussion that he received last week when someone from the Blue Jays (not mentioning any names, but it sounds like Mohn JcDonald) accidentally kneed him in the head. Serena’s been working diligently on getting Morneau back to form and ready for their honeymoon. We’re not going to address that vicious rumor that he impregnated his current wife. That’s really going to put a damper on his relationship with Serena. *sigh*

Carlos Beltran made his season debut last night against Tim Lincecum and the Giants, going 1-4 and was caught stealing and picking his nose in the dugout on several occasions. We’re glad to see that nothing’s changed.