The TBB’s Old Timer’s Team

Anyone notice how Daniel Murphy no longer has a f*cked up stache? Do you know why he no longer has a f*cked up stache? Because we’re that influential. We’re changing the world, one moustache at a time. Last week we wrote a letter to Murphy explaining why he should shave that crap off his face and we asked if you thought we were being too hard on him. 5 of you agreed that his sh*t was heinous and 3 of you actually thought we were being too hard on him seeing as how the stache wasn’t SO bad. Are you f*cking high? Go sit in the corner. We can’t even look at you right now. You’re a disgrace.

Again we promised you a follow-up Subway Series post and it seems as though we’ve made further promises (daddy), promises that we can’t keep. This time it’s not our fault. We’re having some difficulty tying our Yankees fan down. She’s very busy, therefore we’ll have to work around her schedule. We will give you that follow-up post eventually when she has more free time. In the meantime, we’re going to talk about old people.

While watching the Yankees’ former athletes don the pinstripes again for a brief stint of baseball this afternoon, we became wistful and longed for our teams of old. Watching guys like Charlie Hays (who made the final catch of the 96’ World Series), Willie Randolph, Tino Martinez, Paul O’Neil, Bernie Williams, and David Cone take the field again made Serena miss the old Yankees. The Yankees of the 90’s. A time when her family owned season tickets and got first dibs at post season ticket sales. A time when Ken Griffey Jr. chased the home run record while playing for the Mariners, when the Mariners were actually a good team, when Roger Clemens/Andy Pettitte/AROD/Barry Bonds/Mark McGwire/Sammy Sosa hadn’t been publicly flogged for steroid use, when the Expos still existed and there were no Nationals, when the Brewers still played in the American League, when there was only one Wild Card team from each league, when you were able to slip a quarter into those little vending machines and get a plastic mini-helmet for your money, when the Mets’ home run apple actually looked like an apple rising from a top hat and not a tomato rising from the center circle of hell, when satin team jackets were the style, and when pitchers went the distance.

Don’t get us wrong. We enjoy watching the Yankees and Mets. Serena loves Robinson Cano, Curtis Granderson, Mark Teixeira, Brett Gardner, Andy Pettitte, Nick Swisher. Lisa loves TOWSNBN, Daniel Murphy, Johan Santana, RA Dickey, Mike Baxter, Ruben Tejada. However, it’s not the same. Maybe we’re getting old or maybe we’re just too jaded, but it feels like these group of guys are tarnished.

We decided to create our own Old Timer’s Team, only instead of just having Yankees, it would be a team for New York, consisting of our all-time favorite players (not including active players). After compiling our list, we discovered that we apparently have strong emotional ties to outfielders and pitchers. We might have one of the oldest, most epic pitching staffs in history. Before we share our list, please be aware that some players that you may feel are obvious choices for this list (Mike Piazza, Joe DiMaggio) won’t be here and that’s not to discredit their abilities as ball players. We just don’t have emotional ties to them…or, as in the case with Piazza, we just don’t like him as a person.  So without further ado, here’s the TBB’s version of an Old Timer’s Team:

Behind the plate, we chose Thurman Munson and Gary Carter. Granted, neither of us were alive for when Munson patrolled home plate (okay…Lisa was 1, but that hardly counts) and we were quite young during Carter’s hey-day, but these men embodied what a baseball player should be. They were strong, passionate, hard-working, and soulful players. Munson’s career was cut short tragically and when you think about the player he was and how he died, it has to tug on your heart strings, right? You’d have to be pretty heartless to roll your eyes at that. The Yankees still have his locker. Carter died just this year and his death had an obvious affect on the baseball community, including the current Mets…half of which hadn’t been born to see him play since 90% of them are now younger than us. We’re like the Derek Jeter-age of fans. Still socially considered “young,” but we should be approaching baseball retirement any day now. Soon, we’re not going to be allowed to check out any players without being referred to as cougars.

At first, we only have representation from the Bronx side of New York: Tino Martinez, Lou Gehrig, and Don Mattingly. Even Lisa loves Martinez. How could you not? He’s a nice guy, easy on the eyes, and a great first baseman. What an appropriate defensive replacement for Don Mattingly. Growing up under Mamadukes’ roof, there were 3 Yankees that were golden and could do no wrong: Gehrig, Donnie Baseball, and Sweet Lou. Naturally, being a staunch Donnie supporter, Mamadukes did not appreciate the arrival of Martinez. In fact, she hated him. When he got the boot for Jason Giambi, she actually cheered and proclaimed utter adoration for Giambi, which makes no sense. You replaced an amazing first baseman with a complete disaster who wore a gold thong.

Donnie Baseball and Lou Gehrig shouldn’t NEED an explanation, but if you really want one, we’ll give you one.  Lou Gehrig got the sh*tty end of the stick. He was a good guy and a great ball player who had heart, yet he was forced into an early retirement because his body failed him, not because he failed himself. It’s not fair. He set the record of most consecutive games played which stood for 56 years. When his physical abilities began to fail, Gehrig asked his manager, Joe McCarthy to bench him. He never played again. Now when players ask their managers to bench them, it’s only because they want to retain the batting title. Selfish. Ah, and now for Mattingly. The man they call “Donnie Baseball.” When you epitomize the beauty of America’s pastime, you must be pretty legendary, no? Mattingly IS baseball. End of story.

At second, we only have representation from the Queens side of New York: Edgardo Alfonzo and Tim Teufle. Teufle was a member of the exciting 86’ Mets and is part of an elite group of players who actually gave a crap about the game. Plus, he had the Teufle Shuffle at the plate and anyone who has a shuffle named after him is a-ok in our book. Lisa chose Alfonzo because he was great fun to watch, “unlike these jack-a-loons we have playing now.” You may remember Alfonzo for his Sports Illustrated cover appearance alongside John Olerud, Rey Ordonez, and Robin Ventura, which brings us to our next category:

Third base. Representing our elderly gentlemen at third is Robin Ventura and Howard Johnson. Let’s start with the man they call HoJo. As you may recall, both Fred #1 and #2 are Mets fans, therefore while Serena and Brother were brought up in a Yankees household, they did see action at Shea Stadium, including getting to watch HoJo play third for the Mets. At the time, Serena was fascinated by the man that she was sure owned the hotel chain called Howard Johnson. Mamadukes later scoffed at this idea, borderline calling Serena a moron, but Lisa swears that she also remembers HoJo doing Howard Johnson commercials (as we write this, Lisa is sitting on Serena’s bedroom floor furiously Googling for evidence to support our theories on her portable internet machine). We know you’re probably shocked that we chose a ginger to play on our team, but even gingers have potential for athleticism. Just look at Brian McCann. He might be severely unattractive, but that doesn’t stop him from being a bad a$$ mother f*cker behind the plate.

Robin Ventura is a special addition to our team because he played third for both the Yankees and Mets. It’s like a two-for at Chili’s. Serena was obsessed with him. When the Yankees got him from the Mets, she nearly pissed herself with excitement. a) Ventura was a gold medal winner (as in the f*cking Olympics, people). b) he fought Nolan Ryan. Epic. c) had a knack for hitting grand slams (18 for his career, once having hit 2 in one game), and d) was a 6-time Gold Glove winner at third. Serena loves her defense. Plus, he was and still is adorable. When the Yankees released him for Aaron Boone, Serena went to a game at Yankees Stadium with a sign that said, “Bring Robin back. Go away, Aaron.” Mamadukes was embarrassed.

At short stop, we have Bucky “f*cking” Dent and Rey Ordonez. You know that when you talk about Dent and that home run over the Green Monster in 1978, you call him Bucky “f*cking (or bleeping)” Dent. Late game heroics and curse words are what the TBB are all about. In regards to Ordonez, he set a major league record for short stops by playing 101 consecutive games without committing a fielding error. Plus, he is also on the Sports Illustrated cover that we really like.

We have six outfielders because four isn’t enough: Bernie Williams, Paul O’Neil, Lou Piniella, Mickey Mantle, Bobby Murcer, and Cleon Jones. Let us give you the quick summary of what’s happening in the outfield for us: Bern Baby Bern, I am the Warrior, Sweet Louuuuuuu, The Mick, Bobby Murcer once hid an Easter egg in the YES booth for Michael Kay to find, and Cleon Jones caught the final out of 69’ World Series when the Mets defeated the Orioles. All a class of individuals who cared about playing the game…and in O’Neil’s case, he might’ve cared a little too much as he’d been known to break sh*t in the dugout.

When we think about Mantle, we think about him in hindsight because we never had the opportunity to watch him play. You don’t have to be a Yankees fan to appreciate Mantle for what he brought to the table: class, charisma, a beautiful swing that younger players emulate, and all-around athleticism. He had the career that most men dream of: 20-time All Star (20…people are making a big deal about Derek Jeter being voted into his 13^th…TWENTY?!), 7-time World Series champion, 3-time AL MVP, Gold Glove and Hutch Award winner, Triple Crown, his number has been retired at Yankees Stadium, and oh, yeah, he was voted onto the MLB All-Century Team. No big deal. It’s no secret that he never took care of himself. His longtime alcoholism finally caught up to him and he eventually died of liver cancer. Look at what he managed to do with his talents while not giving a sh*t about his body. Could you imagine the great things he would’ve accomplished if he only cared about himself?

As mentioned earlier, our pitching staff is pretty legendary (yes, Cliff Lee, legendary…unlike what you’re pitching with). It consists of Ron Guidry, Mike Mussina, David Cone, Tom Seaver, Ron Darling, and John Franco, who was recently inducted into the Mets Hall of Fame. Mamadukes once sat next to Ron Guidry in a hospital waiting room and didn’t know who he was. When she relayed this story to her father later that day, he was displeased. She tells us that all the girls loved Louisiana Lightning/Gator because of his big blue eyes. Why do we like him? We’ll take a guy who once pitched to a 25-3 record and holds the single-game strikeout record (with 18). How do you like us now? In his old age, he struck out Tino Martinez today. He’s still got it. And he still has his moustache.

Moose is not only a surgically precise pitcher and fierce competitor, he can also field his position, which is more than we can say for a lot of morons pitching these days. Sometimes it looks like a T-Rex stumbled off the mound and tried to pick up the ball with his little arms. They look ridiculous. Moose, on the other hand, is the goddamn man. He was a vacuum on the mound. Plus, he’s a borderline genius, so if something happens, he can tell us what’s wrong with us. He is also sarcastic, so he’ll totally get us. He’ll never get offended by our jokes.

David Cone spent time with both the Mets and Yankees. Lisa had a crush on him as well. She had a poster of him hanging up in her bedroom. Serena did not have a poster of him, but she did cry when she watched the 1996 World Series tape that Mamadukes bought her when they talked about his aneurysm. He threw a perfect game for the Yankees and Serena wishes they’d just fire Michael Kay in the YES booth and replace him with David Cone and Paul O’Neil. Commence hilarity.

Tom Seaver is Fred #2’s hero. Lisa spends countless nights on the couch with Fred #2 trying to watch the Mets game while Fred #2 talks over the television about what a great player Seaver was: “He won all of his games 1-0, 2-0, Lisa. Why? Because they weren’t hitting for him. He played with a bunch of nobodies.”

Ron Darling was a very good pitcher and he’s a very good commentator, but more importantly, he’s very handsome. We’ve seen him in person and he is absolutely beautiful. He’s tall, tan, brunette, and glorious. We didn’t get to speak to him, but we did stare at his magnificence from across the bar while we continued to get sloshed for free.

Finally, John Franco, to date, is the only closer that Lisa did not fear coming out of the bullpen. That should count for something.

Just for sh*ts and giggles, we have Todd Zeile because he’s handsome and Lisa used to have a crush on him. He’s going to be our mascot. The End.

Side note: if anyone remembers anything about HoJo in relation to the Howard Johnson Motel chain, whether it’s regarding ownership or a commercial, please message us. It’s driving us crazy.

This week’s a-hole of the week is Carlos Beltran for making it to the All Star roster. Really? He’s a douchenozzle. We can’t believe you’d betray our trust by voting for him. Meanwhile Bryce Harper is on the extra vote ballot. You’re all going to die morons.

In honor of 4^th July, we’d like to make the US Armed Forces the TBB Super Hero of the Week. To quote Dazed and Confused, “this summer, when you’re being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth of July brouhaha, don’t forget what you’re celebrating, and that’s the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn’t want to pay their taxes.” Happy 4^th of July!

Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day 2010

In celebration of Shark Week, we asked if you wanted a customized, specially made drawing by Serena of a shark. We’re talking a once in a lifetime opportunity here. We’re disappointed to report that one of you claimed that the poll sucked like our blog. Well, guess what, pal? You’re a giant, hairy a-hole and Serena didn’t want to draw a shark for you anyway. At best, you deserve a sea urchin, but even that’s stretching it. 3 of you seemed excited about the amazing gifts she’s already displayed with Clip Art and would love a rare piece of Shark Week artwork. Congratulations to you lucky three. Please send us an email with your contact information and Serena will draw you a shark. If you have a favorite species, please include that as well or else you’re going to get a Great White. 1 individual would prefer to receive a drawing of Lisa’s brontosaurus, Bruno, so guess what? Send us an email with your contact information as well and Lisa will oblige you with a Bruno masterpiece. Finally, 1 person was skeptical and replied, “maybe, what kind of shark are we talking about here?” Well, Mr. or Mrs. The Glass is Half Empty, if you had voted yes, you would’ve gotten to specify what shark you’d get. Now you get nothing. So doom on you.

Oh and another thing to the hairy a-hole who said that our poll and blog sucked. It’s Lisa’s birthday today and you made her cry. You should be ashamed of yourself. Making a girl cry like that…especially on her birthday. You belong in the center circle of hell with Lucifer. Happy Birthday, Lisa. Don’t pay any attention to that jerk. He has no friends. Furthermore, AJ Burnett did not send Lisa flowers. He’s taking this break up a little too seriously. Winkie’s mad at him.

You may have noticed that our sidebar is now completely dominated by little buttons that say, “This blog has been nominated for…” Yes, you’re reading that correctly. We’ve been nominated. For the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Exciting ones at that. Best Sports Blog, Best Travel Blog, Best Humor Blog, and Best Blog of All Time. We’d love for you to vote for us in one, several, or all of these categories. Rationally speaking, we’re well aware that we’re not winning Best Blog of All Time, therefore if you’d like to focus all of your energy on one particular category, we’d recommend Sports or Travel. To be honest, we probably don’t have a shot at Humor either. You can vote by either clicking on the hyperlinks or the little buttons on the sidebar. The website will prompt you to set up an account, but it only takes two seconds.

On Monday night, we attended Sean Kimerling’s 7th Annual Celebrity Golf Tournament & Dinner at the Muttontown Country Club, where we swooned over Ron Darling and ate the best red velvet cake in the history of mankind. We also met Sean Kimerling’s family, including his father, Noah Kimerling, who is adorable and kind. Rosemary Ally was so sweet to invite us to the event and we cannot begin to convey how appreciative we are to her for her kindness and guidance throughout Fred K’s journey. We didn’t take too many pictures (because it would’ve been tacky), but we’ll definitely post them to the TBB Facebook page and Fred K’s Cancer blog at our earliest opportunity.

Before we get into the most magical time of the year (ahem, Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day), we’ve got exciting news for you. Tomorrow, we’ll be attending the Mets/Phillies game at Citi Field. It’s Irish Heritage Night, which means we’re receiving awesome green Mets hats, but that’s not even the most exciting part of the evening. The most exciting part isn’t even the fact that Lisa might be getting a birthday message on the jumbotron. You might be asking yourself what could possibly be more exciting than those two things. Well, we’ll tell you. Not only will the TBB be tailgating for the first time in history (together) and not only will we take the pictures that you so enjoy viewing, but (insert drum roll) we’re also going to video this time around. That’s right, folks. You will have the chance to witness the TBB in live action. Alan, Brownie Maker’s husband, was charitable enough (and apparently trusting enough) to loan us his Flip Video Camera! Hooray for Alan. We dub him the Official TBB Key Grip. We’ll be “interviewing” sporadic Mets and Phillies fans during their tailgating festivities. Afterwards, if there’s still battery life in the camera, we’ll even try to film some of our asinine behavior during the game.

Now…for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The Second Annual Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! Our relationship with Tim has really blossomed since last year’s festival. In April, Tim accompanied us to see the magnificent Broadway show, Rock of Ages. Tim had the best time. He sang along with such classics as “Don’t Stop Believin’,” “To Be With You,” “Here I Go Again,” and “Oh, Sherrie.”

In May, Tim took time off from his busy baseball-playing schedule to come to our Cinco de Mayo party. As you can see in the picture, he really loved Serena’s jello shots. Lisa is also a humongous fan of them. You’ll often find her at the end of the night, dozing in a pile of empty plastic cups that once held booze-infused jello.

A lot of people don’t know this about him, but Tim can really bust a move. On the way home from 10 Cent Wing Night (Tim pounded a whole bucket, by the way) at Hooters, “Too Legit To Quit” came on the radio and we jumped on it. He often talks about that song being “his jam.”

To congratulate us on Fred K’s Cancer’s success, Tim took us on a night on the town. Don’t you think we look spiffy?

On Sunday, Serena’s high school friend, Meryl got married. Serena was a little stressed about being the only single bridesmaid in the bridal party, so Tim (who’s such a gentleman) decided to be her date. He was a big hit among the bridal party, although no one really knew who he was. It was probably his slick dance moves that won their approval. He even bought Serena an awesome light up broach to pin to her dress. Unfortunately, since she had to match the other bridesmaids, Serena couldn’t wear it, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t appreciate the gesture. It was lovely.

Last night, we went to a sports bar for Lisa’s birthday. Tim had the wait staff supply an amazing chocolate cake with birthday candles. Serena almost ruined the surprise, which is why Tim is looking away and laughing. Oh, that Tim.

It’s time for our traditional Fun Facts about Tim Section. Did you know…
…that he loves the Beatles?
…that his middle name is Leroy? Just like Erin’s rooster statue.
…that he has a talent for memorizing song lyrics, which is why his teammates call him “The Human Jukebox?” That’s why he’s a “Jukebox Hero. Got stars in his eyes…”
…that his favorite television show is The Family Guy?
…that in his Major League debut against the Phillies on May 6, 2007, he struck out the side?
…that according to two different websites, his favorite food is either fried bologna or cinnamon rolls?
…that his favorite color is green (just like Serena)?
…that he’s 11-6 on the season so far with a 3.41 ERA, 163 strikeouts, and 59 walks?

Baseball Notes: In Sunday night’s game against the Red Sox, Derek Jeter hit his 2,874th career hit, an RBI single off of Josh Beckett, and passing Babe Ruth on the Yankees All Time Hits list.

The Braves announced yesterday that Chipper Jones’ season is done. He tore his anterior cruciate ligament (better known as his ACL) going after a routine ground ball and will need surgery to repair the damage. The estimated time to recover following a surgery of this type is 6 months, which puts Jones in the position of being ready for Opening Day 2011. However, he’s already made statements implicating that this might be his last season. Did Chipper Jones play his last MLB game ever and it was only seen by the local networks? How depressing!

Since Tim’s such a big Beatles fan, we leave you with, “Love, love Timmy do. You know we love you. We’ll always be true. So please, please, please, please, love Timmy too.”

The West Coast Has the Sunshine & the TBB Will Get So Tan

We were unaware that our readers think that we’re No Talent A-holes with severe mental issues. Exactly why do we even have readers if you think so poorly of us? Are our mental issues that comical that you need to tune in every week to see what nonsense we speak next? 7 of you voted on last week’s poll in which we asked you if MLB players should accept us as friends on Facebook. Let’s just say the results have not been kind. For starters only 1 felt that we seem like nice girls, therefore players should definitely accept us. 3 of you seem to think that we’re so crazy that no MLB player in their right mind should accept our friendship. All because of Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day. We just don’t get it. He absolutely loved this holiday. Why would you think it’s crazy? The remaining 3 voters chose the option, “Forget answering the question. Why are you Facebook stalking strangers?” For you three, we have only one thing to say to you: if you are going to try to tell us that you don’t Facebook stalk strangers, then you sit on a throne of lies and you smell like beef and cheese. Okay, so maybe you don’t try to find Justin Morneau’s non-existent Facebook page and maybe you’re not upset that you found The One Who Shall Not Be Named’s page and saw that his profile picture was of him and a scantily clad hot chick. But we’ll bet that you’ve at least Facebook stalked your exes! Or spouses of your exes (who are definitely most likely strangers)! Don’t deny it. The good news is that no one voted for us being ugly. We may need to take prescription drugs, but at least we’re not “ugly.” Granted, it doesn’t mean we’re good-looking either. Just not ugly.

Onto more important matters! On Tuesday night, the MLB released the 2010 regular season schedule. Clearly this means TBB preparations may begin. We will either be visiting Erin and the West Coast in either April or May. The series in question are:
Angels vs. A’s 4/9-4/11 (before you accuse us of stalking Brad Ziegler, let us just tell you that this is how it worked out! Why would we stalk him when he can’t even tell his #1 fans about Root Beer Float Day, $1 Hot Dog Day, Pink Pashmina Day, or Player T-Shirt Day? We have to hear about it from the A’s mass email distribution)
Dodgers vs. Diamondbacks 4/13-4/15
Padres vs. Giants 4/19-4/21 (potential reunion for the TBB and Tiny Tim. BONUS: Barry Zito, which is actually only a bonus for Serena)
OR
Angels vs. A’s 5/14-5/16 (Yes, the A’s again. Shut up, you skeptics! We’re not stalking)
Dodgers vs. Astros 5/17-5/18
Padres vs. Cardinals 5/25-5/27
Now…there pros and cons for both of these options. Pros for April? Our trip would be right around the corner! Serena would get to see Erin that much quickly. Tiny Tim Lincecum and Barry Zito! Cons for April? Sister is pregnant. She is potentially due 4/8 and for some selfish reason, she’s asked Lisa to be her support system during the birth. Please keep in mind that Lisa has no children and has no idea what the labor process is all about. Pros for May? Lisa doesn’t miss the birth of her godchild. We have more time to collect spare change…and that’s basically it for pros. Cons? There doesn’t seem to be any cons for May with the exception of not being in the same stadium as Tiny Tim and Barry Zito. Oh! If we go to LA in May, we’ll miss the Twins/Yankees series at Yankees Stadium, which will be a bummer. Either way, providing nothing sends him to the DL or another team, we’ll be in the same town as BFFer.

Other fun items from the 2010 schedule include the knowledge that the Twins will be playing the Mets at Citi Field and Serena will no longer have to Google Justin Morneau because he will be in the New York area. Hopefully, he won’t bring his cute wife. Other good news regarding Citi Field is that the Mets will FINALLY be home on Lisa’s birthday. Can we say, Happy Birthday to Lisa on the jumbotron? Perhaps a Mr. Met visit to our seats?

Major props to Serena’s co-worker, MJ (father of the Shea Stadium Mr. Met in our mascot entourage), who was nice enough to give Lisa an autographed photo of Ron Darling. His charity does not mean that we will stop stealing Mr. Met from his office for our stadium trips, but it was still a good deed. As you can see in the photo, Ron has been added to Lisa’s blossoming Mets memorabilia collection. Can you find the TBB in the picture? Hmmm….
Speaking of charity and good deeds, on October 18th, Serena (and her friend, Maureen) will be participating in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk at Jones Beach State Park. If you wish to contribute to the cause, click here. The walk prompted us to think about what the TBB can do together (other than Serena being a cruncher for St. Jude’s and Lisa being a counter of crunches) to be people helping people. Both Papadukes and Papa L are named Fred and are cancer survivors. We felt that since it was an issue close to our hearts, we would walk in their names for testicular and oral cancer. Unfortunately, after conducting all sorts of research, we couldn’t find anything geared specifically to these diseases. So…our options are to walk for cancer in general (which we cannot find a walk for either! If you know of one in the New York area, please email us!) or do something on our own. We wanted to be called Team Fred, but apparently some guy from Sloan-Kettering runs for cancer and is “Team Fred.” So not only can we not find a walk to participate in, but we also no longer have a team name. We think we need some community service guidance because apparently we’re not very good at it.

Today’s Baseball Notes: As all you probably already know, Derek Jeter broke Lou Gehrig’s Yankees franchise all-time hits record on September 11th against the Orioles. On September 13th, Ichiro Suzuki of the Mariners set the MLB record for having a 200-hit season for the 9th straight year against the Rangers. Fellow TBB, Tiny Tim returned to the mound on September 14th against the Rockies. He lasted 7 innings, allowing 6 hits, 1 run, giving up 4 walks, and striking out 11. We’d say his back’s no longer bothering him. The Giants defeated the Rockies 9-1. Justin Morneau is out for the rest of the season (SOB!) with a stress fracture in his lower back (which Serena would love to fix for him). He’ll have to rest the back for three months, but surgery does not appear to be necessary. In further Bay Area news, the Giants activated Randy Johnson from the 60-day DL on Wednesday night (September 16th) and plan to use him out of the bullpen. Finally, Mike Hampton of the Astros is apparently the equivalent of being the Bella (from Twilight) of baseball. He underwent surgery for his torn left rotator cuff and other damage (what this exactly means, we don’t know). He will miss the entire 2010 season. Mike Hampton, you may be good-looking and when healthy, a kick a$$ athlete, but damn! When do you actually play????

We part ways with you with the inspiring words of LL Cool J. “We’re going back to Cali, back to Cali…to see Erin.”