Friday, March 27, 2009

Spokeswoman for Baseball?

Since it's clear no one has tuned in this entire week or voted on our current poll (which will basically determine our next major stadium tour!), we've decided to extend our closing date one more week. At posting time, we've had 1 vote and it's Sean, who likes us and has probably voted out of a sense of obligation. We thank him anyway. You may notice that Florida (an obvious destination being that it's on the Eastern seaboard and home to 2 teams) is not an option. That's correct. It's been recently publicized on that the Marlins will be getting a new home in 2012 (the Rays, potentially being right behind them) and we're not going to a Marlins game at Dolphin Stadium only to have to go back and do it all over again. We've learned our lesson (please see RFK Stadium post for reference)!

Now...onto today's topic: Alyssa Milano. Before we begin, we must preface our upcoming rant with one comment: We are not jealous of Alyssa Milano's success. At all. Everyone deserves success and good fortune. We simply do not understand her success being women's role model for baseball fans and being #1 baseball fan in general. Let's go back a little, shall we? Pre-published book. Our "rivalry" (if you can call it that since everyone knows her and no one other than our friends and family knows who we are) with Alyssa Milano began approximately 2 years ago at Shea Stadium. No...we didn't meet her. In fact, we sincerely doubt we ever will, but that's besides the point. We were at a Braves/Mets game where Shea Stadium was celebrating how fantastic dogs are. This game stands out in our minds not because of the actual game (we can't recall who won or lost, but if we're betting on our team's typical performance style and our luck, the Mets probably lost), but for the fantastic dog parade before the game and our regret that we didn't bring Spanky, Serena's dog with us (see picture to the left to discover how fabulous he is). After the dogs marched around the field (much to our delight), we headed to the Mets Clubhouse (not the real one, the store) to look for the giant Mr. Met bobblehead i order to get our picture taken with it. As we wandered around the store, we stumbled across racks of expensive and tacky Mets clothing for women. Who would make such clothing and encourage unsuspecting women to commit such terrible fashion crimes? The rack declared the clothing line was, "Touch." Lisa then found a tank top that said, "I love rookies." What kind of girl would wear a shirt like that? Any reasonable girl knows that you need to hook the David Wrights, Derek Jeters, Carlos Beltrans, Alex Rodriguezs of a baseball lineup in order to live the good life. The writing on the shirt was bad enough, but not downright awful...yet. What happens next will remained burned in our memories for all time. Lisa picked the tank top off of the rack and held it up for Serena to see. Her face changed from bewildered to sheer horror. Our conversation went as follows:

Serena: "What's wrong?"
Lisa: "Look."

It was at this time that Lisa turned the shirt around so that Serena could see the back.

Serena: "Oh, my god! That shirt practically asks for a gang bang."

The back of the shirt was ripped into tiny shreds, effectively turning the shirt into a backless shirt. It looked like Edward Scissorhands had gotten a hold of it. We wondered who would create clothing clearly unsafe for young women to wear to sporting events? Had this person ever attended a sporting event, let alone one that took place in the Bronx or Flushing?! Serena found the answer when she turned around and saw the giant poster in the store's window: Alyssa Milano in all of her bedazzled Dodgers shiny jacket glory advertising her "Touch" clothing line. Her rhinestones and bedazzler single handedly, we are convinced, encouraged Jessica Simpson to wear a pink Tony Romo jersey to a Cowboys game. The media crucified Jessica for her choice in attire, but really is it her fault that she thought this was acceptable when there are designers out there creating authentic team merchandise in purple, pink, sparkles, bedazzlers, etc because they think that this is the only way to gain popularity with the female gender? Yes, she made a stupid decision, but it's not really her fault. Please note: we are not Jessica Simpson fans.

Reason for anti-Milano sentiments #2: her blog. Obviously, we are not saying the people aren't entitled to blog. Everyone should have a blog. For pete's sake look at us. We blog and who are we? If you find her blog (and we will not give you the address. You want it, you find it), you may notice that she clearly has more fans that we do. However, that being said, we'd have more fans too if we co-starred in a sitcom with Tony Danza 100 years ago too or played a "loose woman" with "loose morals" on a witch show called Charmed. Again, this isn't what bothers us. What bothers us is her random baseball theme. Apparently, she is a huge Dodgers fan and "bleeds blue." What's perplexing about this little trivia is that she was born and raised in STATEN ISLAND. Confused? Us too. Now, if she is old enough to be alive for when the Brooklyn Dodgers were in town, then damn, she looks good for her age and we'll withdraw our complaints. But if she isn't old enough (and we suspect she isn't), then we bring her Dodger fanhood into question. To us, this just makes her look like a giant poser. Also, why does anyone care that she is this massive Dodgers fan? No one cares that we like the Mets and Yankees. Except us. Does anyone care that Ben Affleck is a Red Sox fan? Not really. Do you see him creating a clothing line for male Red Sox fans? No. At least, not to our knowledge. Do you see him writing a book or blog about his devotion to the Red Sox and all of their red magnificence? No. At least not at the time of this post (should he prove us wrong in the next couple of years, we will apologize to you, our readers, Alyssa Milano, and send him hate mail for proving us wrong).

Finally the nail in the coffin, the straw that broke the camel's back, the sh*t that hit the may have noticed our reference to Ben Affleck potentially writing a book about how when he was two, he was just destined to be in love with David Ortiz (this is pure speculation, we have no idea if this really happened). You may have wondered why we referenced a possible publication. Here's why: Alyssa Milano in her apparently vast knowledge of the sport, players (initimate knowledge that is, if you get where we're going here), and all that jazz, wrote a book. You don't believe us? Check out our picture of Lisa in our local Barnes & Noble. Yes, she is holding a pair of scissors to the cover. It's only that small because she didn't want to alarm store security with an enormous sharp object. For $23, you too can read the crap that is written between the pages. For $23 you can really understand Alyssa Milano and her love for the sport of baseball and how she would change the game (why do we care? the game's not gonna change. It's been the same way for decades). We wouldn't spend $23 on a memoir unless it had exact details as to how Carl Pavano or Barry Zito were in the sack. But that's just us and the need to find out if Carl Pavano is good at anything or than being a baby or injured (or in some cases, both). Or if Barry Zito is good in bed. We are pleased to report that at this particular store, there were only 2 copies of the book, no cardboard cut out display of the woman, that the 2 copies in question were on a top shelf that we actually needed a step stool to access, and were not located in the sports section. As catty as that may or may not sound, it's the truth. We were pleased at these things.

To sum it all up as to why we're so angry, we'll put it to you like this: imagine that one day Giselle Bunchen woke up and decided that she would be the spokeswoman for the NFL. After all, her man is the famous Tom Brady from the Patriots. Clearly, she knows a lot about football. She is also a famous super model in her own right and good looking. Who wouldn't follow her as if she were leading the crusades into the Super Bowl all by herself? Who needs a QB or strong defensive line when you have....GISELLE BUNCHEN?! Now...take all of those details and change them to Alyssa Milano, Marlins/Giants/Red Sox (take your pick), and baseball. Instead of her being a famous super model, she's an out of work TV actress. We wouldn't be nearly as angry if the female spokesperson for baseball turned out to be a writer for, a sports writer for a newspaper, a sports broadcaster on TV, or Jennie Finch or Cat Osterman (Olympic softball players for those of you who don't know). They make sense. They live sports. Alyssa Milano lives baseball because she tells us she does and she's cute and that's apparently enough to qualify you as a spokesperson for the female community watching baseball.

Other noteworthy items for today: Team USA sucks. They got their rearends handed to them by the Japanese, who then defeated Korea (again) in the championship game of the finals. The picture we're showing is taken from Such pansies.
We leave you with these last thoughts written and performed by that fantastic and poignant group, Aqua: "I'm a barbie girl in a barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic. You can brush my hair, read my blogs all day, and read my book everywhere..."


  1. Are you sure you just don't like her because she dated Barry Zito? In any event...this is very funny. Keep up the good work Serena. One final request.....for you closing song parts, can you pick some better songs? Barbie Girl? Really?