Dear David Part 2

Last week, you had another solo affair with Lisa because Serena headed overseas for her own version of Vicky, Christina, Barcelona. Apparently, Javier Barden is not the run of the mill guy over there. Talk about false advertisement. While she was out of commission, Lisa asked if you considered yourselves band wagon fans. Only 5 of you answered the call. Thankfully, all 5 were smart enough to answer, “No way. Do I look like a NTAC? All of my blood, sweat, and tears have gone into my team whether or not they suck hard core.” We’re so proud of you for picking the best answer available to you. The other options (which if any of you had chosen them, you would’ve been ridiculed mercilessly for) offered were, “Yes. My favorite team is whoever is currently in first place or the World Series Champions” and “Maybe. I did just recently hang up my pirate’s patch and hat in order to sport a Phillies Cheesesteak hat.”

Two weeks ago, we wrote TOWSNBN a letter asking for forgiveness and a meeting at FAO Schwartz on Tuesday, December 15th at 2:00 pm. He didn’t show (or we may have missed him because we were admittedly, a bit late), so we’re writing him a follow up letter.

Dear TOWSNBN,
It’s us again. So…obviously you didn’t meet us at FAO like we requested. Either you really can’t stand us or you think we stood you up because we were about 50 minutes late for our date. We’re going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you had shown up and we missed you. Allow us to explain. For the second time in our adult lives, we attempted to ice skate. This might not sound like a big deal to a super star athlete such as yourself, but for years, we’ve visited Wolman Rink in Central Park with the intention to ice skate, only to chicken out at the last second. From 2-2:30 pm on the date of our rendezvous with destiny, we skated like slow pokes around Wolman Rink. We accomplished 4 laps in 30 minutes, only managing to fall once each. This, we feel, is quite the feat. It then took us another 20 minutes to change out of our ice skates and into our boots, and the race frantically from the park to the entrance of FAO. Unfortunately, the only person to greet us was an elderly gentleman dressed in a toy soldier’s outfit and carrying a Cookie Monster doll. Which is kind of weird now that we think about it.

We searched everywhere for you. High and low. Including the Harry Potter Zone.
Among the baseball memorabilia.
Even within the elephant herd (which Serena had to sneak into, mind you).
Finally, we had to give up the fight. We hope that we being late simply deterred you from meeting us. We apologize for our tardiness and our inconsideration for your valuable time. We’d like to make it up to you (though technically, you should’ve known we’d be late. We’re always late). We can’t take you out to dinner because we’re poor (hello, we’re saving recyclables to deposit for spare change in order to help pay for our stadium trip to LA next year), but we’d still like to have the opportunity to prove our amazing senses of humor to you. We’re quite funny together. Not separately, mind you. But together, we’re a riot. A regular slap stick comedic duo.

We will be in the city again during the second week in January. If you email us, we will arrange for a specific date, place, and time where to meet. We don’t want to broadcast this information on our blog because we don’t want to encourage stalkers. After all, we did risk our lives to publish the failed FAO meeting place and time. All for you, TWOSNBN.

We are going to repeat our promises and threats from our last letter should you email us or fail to comply with our request by the beginning of January:

“We’ll immediately remove the title of “TOWSNBN” and only give you good publicity from here on out. We may even retire your number on our blog. To date, we only have one player in our TBB Hall of Fame, so that would be quite the accomplishment.”

Or…

“However, if you do not show up, you will be stricken from TBB record for life, we’ll stop cheering for you at games, we will never vote for you to go to the All Star Game ever again, Lisa will buy a new Mets jersey, and she will burn all of her merchandise with your face, name, and number on it. Trust us, that’s a lot of Mets memorabilia. It could be the size of a bonfire. Don’t let this happen, David! Save your Golden Boy reputation! Pose for a picture with the TBB.”

TOWSNBN, this will be our last point of contact on friendly terms. The next letter, if you fail to accommodate us, will not be kind. And it will be the last letter you will receive from us. Which might actually make you really happy.

As usual, Happy Holidays!

Sincerely,
The Traveling Baseball Babes

Now on for legitimate baseball-related news: today’s baseball notes! By now, we’re sure you’ve already heard that Chien-Ming Wang became a free agent on Saturday when the Yankees failed to offer him a contract for next season. Supposedly, he is “disappointed.” Well, c’mon, dude! What have you done for the team for the past two seasons other than be injured? Why would they re-sign you? And you should be “disappointed.” You’ll probably end up playing for a team like the Royals now. What you may not have heard, unless you’re an A’s fan, is that the A’s failed to offer Jack Cust a contract for next season as well. This hit home for the TBB in particular because when we traveled to McAfee Coliseum, our free giveaway was a Jack Cust bobblehead. He still sits proudly on our desks at work. In a crazy, multiple player trade, Cliff lee landed with the Seattle Mariners, while the Phillies scored the illustrious and highly coveted Roy Halladay. Halladay will reportedly receive $20 million/year in 2011, 2012, and 2013. His extension includes a $20 million vesting option for 2014 based on innings pitched, games started, or both. Not bad for a man who bats for “Team Jacob” simply based on supporting his own kind. Finally, the Red Sox hit big. On Wednesday, outfielder, Mike Cameron and pitcher, John Lackey were introduced to Fenway Park. Cameron agreed to a 2 year, $15.5 million deal while Lackey signed a 5 year, $82.5 million contract.

Chicago described our angst perfectly, when Peter Cetera crooned the following lyrics, “It’s hard for the TBB to say we’re sorry. We just want you to know. Take a picture with us now and we really will tell you we’re sorry.”

Dear David

Last week in keeping with the Thanksgiving holiday spirit, we asked you which player you’d rather have Thanksgiving dinner with. The poll only received 5 votes. Hopefully, it’s not because we’re boring you, but it’s because last week was a holiday. 2 of you voted for “Tiny” Tim Lincecum because you could both smoke a doobie following dinner. 1 person wanted to have dinner with Derek Jeter because he’s the Golden Boy. 1 chose Joe Mauer because he’s the AL MVP and 1 shallow individual chose Barry Zito (and it wasn’t Serena) simply because he’s hot. No one wanted to sit down and eat with Albert Pujols, despite him winning the NL MVP, or Chipper Jones. We might want to do dinner with Chipper just to have the opportunity to punch him in the face, but that’s just us.

We’re going to do things a little differently and report to you today’s Baseball Notes before getting into our topic of discussion. We want to make sure you’re not bored with our relationship, so we figured this may spice things up. Grady Sizemore has asked MLB investigators to help stop the publication of hot, sexy pictures that he claims were stolen from his girlfriend’s email account and posted online. We’re not attracted to Sizemore or anything, but you tell us naked pictures and we immediately want to get our hands on him. Oh, please, please, Grady, don’t stop publication! For the sake of dirty perverts everywhere, let’s yourself be free! The Braves have reached an agreement on a 1 year contract with waste of space pitcher, Billy Wagner. This is pending a physical exam, of course. With Alex Gonzalez parting ways with the Red Sox via free agency, the Sox toyed with the idea of moving Dustin Pedroia to short stop next season. He was apparently open to the suggestion, having been an All American short stop at Arizona State. Fortunately for him, the Red Sox reached a 2 year agreement with free agent short stop Marco Scutaro yesterday. Granted, this is pending a physical exam (as usual), but it looks like Pedroia will continue to patrol the infield from the right side.

We’ve decided that if we could write a letter to TOWSNBN, this is what it would look like:

Dear TOWSNBN,
How was your Thanksgiving? Are you getting ready for the holidays or are you still bitter and thinking about how hard you and your teammates sucked last year? Will you be traveling down to Virginia to visit the family? Perhaps ride a tractor?

How’s your head doing? We were there that day that Matt Cain beamed you in the coconut with a high fast one. We were initially concerned for your well being. Lisa even attempted to hop the wall to get you in order to apply first aid, but then we remembered that we were angry with you and Lisa decided not to assist. We were also afraid that we’d get arrested and be banned from Citi Field, which would just not work for us. There are many National League ball players that we’re striving to stalk from Citi Field and if we’re not allowed through the gates, we’re not going to have a chance. By now, it’s become clear that you’re not going to marry Lisa, so she’s going to have to settle for another player. She’s totally fine with this. She’s finally accepted the thought that you hate her and she’s moved on.

Speaking of your animosity, this brings us to the real reason that we’re writing. Why do you hate us so much? Granted, you probably hate Lisa more than Serena because she is your stalker and Serena’s only along for the ride, but still. We figure you hate Serena simply based on guilt by association. If Mr. Met isn’t scared of us by now, why are you? We’ve taken dozens of pictures with Mr. Met and he continues to greet us with an enormous smile that would make toothpaste commercials jealous. Now that Lisa has relinquished her dreams of being “Mrs. Wright,” she’s focused her attention on getting one small memento from you and no…it’s not your underwear. She just wants you to take a damn picture with her. Is that really so much to ask for? For heaven’s sake, Serena has had to photo shop a fake picture of Lisa and you together and place it on a ceramic mug for Lisa’s birthday just to make her feel better about herself.

Despite countless attempts to be near you over the past 5 years, the closest we’ve come is standing beside your wax figure at the Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in the city. Why are you avoiding us? What have we done that has prompted this anger? If you search our site, you will see that Barry Zito and Brad Ziegler have both posed for photos with us. Also, while the picture may not be available online, Lisa has also gotten her picture taken with Mike Jacobs. Clearly, we’re trustworthy. We’re not going to stab you if you stop and pose for a photo with us. Since we’d be in public, you should not fear Lisa mauling you because she has common courtesy.

Are you upset at the way we make fun of you on our blog? We only do it because you continue to ignore us. It’s just our way of making the wounds you’ve caused heal. If only you’d be nicer to us, we’d stop. It’s really that simple. We’d go back to calling you, “David Wright,” instead of TOWSNBN. We don’t really like calling you that. It’s hard to remember. We want to call you by your given name, so please…be kind. Rewind. Turn back the clock and let us into your hearts this holiday season.

On December 15th, we’ll be in the city celebrating Christmas. We’ve got quite the itinerary planned, including Central Park, the tree, Serendipity 3, and shopping. If you forgive us for our cruelty and mocking behavior, meet us outside FAO Schwartz at 2:00 pm. We’ll immediately remove the title of “TOWSNBN” and only give you good publicity from here on out. We may even retire your number on our blog. To date, we only have one player in our TBB Hall of Fame, so that would be quite the accomplishment. However, if you do not show up, you will be stricken from TBB record for life, we’ll stop cheering for you at games, we will never vote for you to go to the All Star Game ever again, Lisa will buy a new Mets jersey, and she will burn all of her merchandise with your face, name, and number on it. Trust us, that’s a lot of Mets memorabilia. It could be the size of a bonfire. Don’t let this happen, David! Save your Golden Boy reputation! Pose for a picture with the TBB.

Oh, and have yourself a merry little Christmas and a Happy New Year. Mets 2010!

Sincerely,
The Traveling Baseball Babes

Next week, Serena is off to Spain with her friend Maria (whom you may recall from our Fenway Park post), so you will have another solo post from Lisa. We’re aware that our recent posts have been a little “non-traditional,” but on the 18th, we’ll be back to normal again.

For now, we will part ways with the following words, brought to you by Don Henley. “We’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter…we think it’s about forgiveness. Forgiveness, David. Even if, even if, you don’t like us anymore (or never did).”