Friday, June 11, 2010

Dodger Stadium

Dodger Stadium
1000 Elysian Park Avenue
Los Angeles, Ca 90012

May 20, 2010: We spent a relaxing, lazy day in the sun, hanging out by the pool at El Apartment while The Favorite played video games and Erin went to work. Yes, we left Matt alone for an entire day. After separate solo leisure showers in which we did not wash ourselves in the same room, we devoured two medium-sized Domino’s pizzas and watched reruns of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Eventually, Erin came home and began dressing for the Dodgers/Padres game. We continued to watch TV in our pajamas.

Finally, Erin turned to us and asked, “Are you guys gonna get ready?”
Serena: “Hm? Yeah, why?”
Erin: “Well, what time did you want to get there?”
Serena: “I dunno. What time is it?”
Erin: “6:00.”
Serena: “F*ck. Sh*t!”
*Insert Lisa and Serena scurrying around the apartment to get ready for a 7:05 pm first pitch time*

Thanks to the infamous Los Angeles rush hour, we reached Dodger Stadium at 7:00 exactly and we still had to buy our souvenirs before heading to our seats. Erin hurriedly snapped our photo outside the stadium before we dashed inside.
Erin has been to Dodger Stadium hundreds of times, so she knows exactly where all of the gift shops are located. Unfortunately, there are only 3 legitimate “shops” and 2 of them were off limits (main level behind right field and behind left field) because we didn’t have tickets to that section. Therefore, we were relegated to going to the store all the way at the top of the stadium in right field. Let us assure you that after eating all of that pizza, climbing those staircases was no f*cking treat. Dodger Stadium Management, please take note.

Once at the store, Serena quickly found her hat and purchased it. Lisa, on the other hand, ran into more difficulties. As we all know, the Dodgers don’t have a mascot, so Lisa figured that after purchasing a ridiculous amount of bears, she’d buy a dog this time around. However, Lisa didn’t have that many stuffed animals to choose from. One dog wearing full Dodgers uniform was absolutely delightful, but humongous and highly impractical if we expect our mascots to travel with us. It’s already getting out of hand as it is. Her next option was a small dog only wearing a backwards Dodgers hat. She didn’t love him because you couldn’t see the Dodgers logo by looking at the front of him, but she figured that he’d have to do since the only other alternative was a barely stuffed white dog with a stupid fruity blue bow tied around its neck and the word “Dodgers” embroidered on its side. Sadly, when Lisa brought the backwards hat dog to the register, it rang up as $26. Hell, no. Fruity dog it is. This is why we now have this in our mascot collection:
We don’t know what’s worse. This half-stuffed fruity dog or the Padres’ failed attempt at having a mascot stuffed animal. *Grumble*

By the time we descended all of those stairs and found our seats, it was the bottom of the 1st inning.
The pitching matchup for this evening was the Dodgers’ Clayton Kershaw versus the Padres’ Kevin Correia.
Our seats were in a decent location down the right field line, though we always prefer to be above home plate. From our angle, we did manage to have a good view of home plate and the Dodgers logo above the upper deck.
Just beyond the center field fence and parking lot is a lovely picturesque mountain/hill landscape covered in trees and shrubbery, quite unlike the fake mini golf course of Angel Stadium. At this time of day, we enjoyed the sun setting beneath a sky of pink, purple, and orange melting together like a tri-colored snow cone. Lisa had all the palm trees she could possibly handle. It was as peaceful as a baseball game could be.

As pretty as it is, for some reason, Dodger Nation chose to ruin it all by sticking a mock-Hollywood sign that says “THINK BLUE” into the mountainside. What the hell were they thinking? They had a natural landscape that was pleasing to the eye and that clearly, based on our experience at Angel Stadium, other teams covet, and they went ahead and turned it into a tourist attraction. Furthermore, what the hell does “think blue” mean? Lisa’s a Mets fan. They have the same Dodger blue. Does she think blue? Orange? Both? And if she thinks blue, how do you know if Lisa thinks Dodger blue, Mets blue, or even Royals blue? How do you really know? Serena is a Yankees fan. Are you telling us that she thinks navy blue? Perhaps she thinks pinstripes. Also, if the Dodgers are playing the Mets, what happens? Isn’t the vague command to “think blue” a bit confusing? Both teams are wearing the same blue. If you “think blue,” aren’t you technically thinking about both teams? Just something else for Dodgers Stadium Management to stew over.
After taking our customary pictures of the field, we looked around and noticed that Dodger Stadium sort of had a similar quirk to our old friend, Shea Stadium. The colors of the seats are a bit weird. However, Shea Stadium did not operate under the pastel color spectrum. They may have had orange, red, green, and blue chairs, but they were bold and 2 of the 4 colors were at least team colors. Dodger Stadium sports seats that are PASTEL yellow, green, blue, and orange. It’s like an Easter basket threw up. Who picked these colors?

In the bottom of the 2nd, while Matt went off to buy himself a small $6.75 plate of delicious garlic fries, Jeffrey Osborne appeared on the jumbotron and sang to us the stadium’s Code of Conduct. This screen also gave us a phone number to report any a-hole fans in our section via text message (323-Dodgers). Little did we know how badly we would want to use this number. Jumbotron in question:
Sitting behind us was an ineffective mother who allowed her two cretin children to kick Serena in the back of her head repeatedly. Whenever a small sneaker would suddenly show itself between our heads, Serena had the urge to grab that chubby little leg and launch its owner toward the Think Blue sign. She happily imagined the terrified sounds that would emit from the offending kid’s mouth as he fell to the field below us. Unfortunately, she didn’t want to be arrested and despite countless dirty looks and snarls directed at them, the kicking continued.
Lisa, on the other hand, didn’t have anyone kicking her, which was nice. However, the boy sitting next to her definitely hadn’t showered in oh…maybe, 3 months? He scratched his scalp furiously, showering Lisa’s arm and leg with large, white flakes. His body and clothes also gave off an odor similar to a dumpster that a drunken person had thrown up in. His father (we think) topped off the scene by wearing a “Mandanna.” Oh? What is that, you ask? It is a blue bandana with long, dirty-looking black dreadlocks hanging from it…just the like the kind Manny Ramirez wears! Yay! The Dodgers have the nerve to charge $28 for this masterpiece.
In the top of the 5th, we couldn’t take it anymore. We begged Erin and Matt to get food and potentially steal different seats. If Lisa kept dry heaving from the smell of her neighbor, she was going to lose her Domino’s pizza, which would’ve been a travesty. We went to a nearby Carl’s Junior Charbroiled Burger stand because the sign claimed that they served grilled hot dogs for $5 (and grilled is always better than steamed). While standing on line, we had the pleasure of staring at this:
This should’ve been an ominous sign of things to come. There was a small, pitiful toppings stand that we skeptically eyed. Crap was smeared all the aluminum counter, napkins were strewn everywhere, and to be honest, the condiments did not exactly look appealing. However, like brave Odysseus, we forged forward into the unknown. Lisa added mustard, ketchup, and relish to her dog. Serena, fearing that the green slop was not relish, only added mustard and chopped raw onions to hers. From the concession stand, we found a nearly empty section behind home plate and sat down. As you can see in the picture, the relocation lifted our spirits.
Check out the view from our new location:
Much better, right? Now back to the business of this hot dog situation. After unveiling the hot dog’s full glory, we became a little concerned. For starters, the hot dog itself looks like a child’s finger that had accidentally been burned on a toaster oven. Secondly, it was too long to fit on the bun. Finally, while the length might’ve been nice, it didn’t have enough girth to satisfy one’s hunger. This was our evaluation of the hot dog before it even touched our mouths.
We took a deep breath and made the plunge.
TBB fans from across the globe, for the love of god, do NOT eat the Dodger Dog. It is a raping of your taste buds and a violation of basic human rights. It tastes like a raw Oscar Meyer wiener with a splash of bologna. Serena was offended by its presence in her mouth and Lisa didn’t even finish hers.
Meanwhile, back on the field, Garret Anderson hit a sac fly to center field, scoring Matt Kemp from third and giving the Dodgers a 2-1 lead. By the end of the 6th, 2 more runs would cross the plate, making it 4-1 heading into the 7th. We should note at this time that Dodger fans are way more enthusiastic than their Anaheim counterparts and San Diego neighbors combined. They actually pay attention to the game and actively participate. Finally! Fans with a pulse!

Between the 6th and 7th, the jumbotron actually showed the trailer for Sex and the City 2. Besides the one episode where the Carrie dates the new Yankee, exactly what does Sex and the City have to do with a baseball game? We’re thinking….nothing.

Still dissatisfied from her hot dog experience, Lisa went off in search for soft serve ice cream in a helmet cup in the top of the 8th. While she was gone, the stadium had a Bon Jovi sing along to “Living on a Prayer,” which was amazing and almost (but not quite) made up for the abusive hot dog. When she returned, Lisa was pissed off because she missed the sing along and couldn’t get hot fudge or sprinkles of any kind on her ice cream because they didn’t offer it. Furthermore, the cashier tried to sell her a pink Dodgers helmet, but she remained adamant. She was NOT going to eat ice cream out of a pink f*cking helmet. For $4.75, she made that man go into the back and fetch a white helmet with a blue logo.

Kershaw was relieved by Ronald Belisario after facing two batters in the 8th. After Belisario recorded the final out of the inning, Journey’s glorious ballad, “Don’t Stop Believin’” caressed all of our ear canals. Like with Bon Jovi, the stadium held a sing along, only this time the scoreboard gave us the lyrics. Serena was puzzled. Why would they need to display the lyrics? This song is pretty much up there in terms of its importance in American culture. No one should need a screen to tell them what the lyrics are. They should already be ingrained in your brain at birth. They’re fed through the umbilical cord while you’re still a fetus.

“Iron Man” signaled closer Jonathan Broxton’s entrance in the top of the 9th. He struck out the Padres’ final hitter to end the game. Final score 4-1.
Before leaving our seats, Matt took a picture of us with the field in the background.
Matt was disappointed that he’d been unable to find the Dodger hat that he wanted in the gift store earlier, so before heading back to the car, we stopped into one of the stores on the main level. Since we had nothing better to do, we searched for a Mandana to try on and take a ridiculous picture in. Turns out, the Mandana’s are actually wrapped in plastic! Imagine that. The Manny Ramirez wigs are sanitary while the man the wigs are inspired by is the furthest thing from sanitary. Oscar the Grouch is probably cleaner than Manny Ramirez. Plus, we’re not even sure that Dodger Dogs are FDA approved.

Matt still couldn’t find his hat, so we decided to leave. Just as we were about to exit the store, Serena spotted an enormous poster of the aforementioned human waste, Manny Ramirez. She couldn’t resist…it was kung fu time.
Before climbing into bed, we introduced “Dodger Dumb Dog” to his new family.
Starship described Dodger Stadium perfectly in its famous rock song, “We built this stadium. We built this stadium with pastel seats. Built this stadium. We built this stadium with a horrible mountain-scape. Say you don’t know us or recognize our face. We don’t care to go to this type of place. Knee deep in a-holes children ready to start a fight. Too many people wearing Mandannas at a high price.”

1 comment:

  1. "Finally, while the length might’ve been nice, it didn’t have enough girth to satisfy one’s hunger."

    bowchickawowow! :)