“The 12 Days of Torture,” Written by the TBB & Performed New York Baseball

Last week’s blog posting was dominated by yet another rant about Cliff Lee, which is probably pretty pathetic, but that’s what he and his wife gets for hogging the baseball media. We asked you what you felt was most influential in getting Cliff Lee to sign with the Phillies. 5 of you think that Mrs. Lee had something to do with it because she’s got bigger balls than the ones her husband throws from the mound. That’s quite a pair then. 1 person felt that Lee just missed Philly Cheesesteak sandwiches and obnoxious fans with a passion equivalent to that of Spartan soldier defending the passage of Thermompylae. We’re pretty confident that you voted for that choice only because you love the movie, 300, but we’re not going to hold it against you because we love it too. 2 people were actually somewhat lucid and decided that Lee just wanted to be a member of a HISTORIC pitching staff like the Phillies.

The Royals traded former Cy Young Zack Greinke to the Brewers, acquiring shortstop Alcides Escobar, outfielder Lorenzo Cain, and RHP prospects Jack Odorizzi and Jeremy Jeffress. The Brewers also received shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt and “cash considerations.” The Brewers snagged Shaun Marcum from the Blue Jays in an earlier trade this offseason, making it clear that the Brewers’ focus is pitching. Royals’ GM, Dayton Moore said that this deal made sense for Kansas City because the young players acquired in this trade fit into the “wave of promising prospects coming up through their farm system.” With the departure of Greinke, we can’t foresee the Royals being much of a contender for the next few years.

Pedro Feliciano took the subway across town from Flushing to the Bronx (both areas REALLY super nice places to visit) by signing a 2-year deal worth $8 million with the Yankees. The deal is pending him passing a physical. Last season, Feliciano appeared in 92 games for the Mets with lefties hitting just .211 against him. He’s expected to compliment Boone Logan, another leftie, in the bullpen. Serena’s not really sure she’s excited by this. She’s had plain bagels more stimulating than this news.

Last week, we talked about a little rumor regarding Rich Harden and the Oakland A’s. On Tuesday afternoon, the A’s “officially” announced that Harden resigned with his original team for $1.5 million/1-year after he passed his physical earlier that morning. Since Harden is most likely going to be utilized out of the bull pen, he will have cozy access to BFFer, which we’re sure is going to be SUCH a treat to Harden. We hear he’s a fantastic wing man, guaranteeing that his friends walk away from Dave & Buster’s with loads of dating options. At the very least, Harden will be able to sharpen his bowling and skee ball skills. Super.

The Red Sox signed Bobby Jenks to a 2-year/$12 million contract this week. Jenks had previously functioned predominantly as a closer, but in Beantown, he’ll be serving as a set up man to the creepy Jonathan Lithgow…oh, we meant Jonathan Papelbon. Sorry. It’s so easy to get them confused. We’ll repeat: the Red Sox signed Bobby Jenks. The Yankees signed Pedro Feliciano. My, the Yankees are looking mighty productive this off season! We can barely contain our awe. Thank goodness the Mets signed…wait…um…they signed no one. God, this is so awkward…can we talk about this later?

In actual fun news, on Monday, we’ll be driving up to Cooperstown to visit the Baseball Hall of Fame and Doubleday Field, so we’ll make sure to post pictures of our little excursion (if you can call a 9-hour roundtrip drive “little”) next week. Sexxxxxxxxxxxy.

Now without further ado, we present to you “The 12 Days of Torture:”
On the first day of Christmas, the Mets gave to us brand new management!
On the second day of Christmas, the Yankees gave to us two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t. And brand new management!
On the third day of Christmas, the Mets gave to us lots of no name players. Two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t and brand new management!
On the fourth day of Christmas, the New York teams didn’t get Cliff Lee! Lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the fifth day of Christmas, the New York teams gave to us no golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the sixth day of Christmas, the Mets gave to us "supposedly" cheaper seats! Nooooooooo golden rings! Didn't get Cliff Lee, lot's of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the seventh day of Christmas, the Yankees gave to us Pedro Felciano. Supposedly cheaper seats, noooooooooo golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the eighth day of Christmas, the Mets gave to us the news that we get to keep Carlos Beltran! Whatever happened to Murphy? Pedro Feliciano, supposedly cheaper seats, noooooooooo golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the ninth day of Christmas, the Yankees gave to us a new starting catcher. Carlos Beltran is staying, what happened to Murphy, Pedro Feliciano, supposedly cheaper seats, noooooooooo golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the tenth day of Christmas, the Mets emailed us a Happy Holidays card. Brand new starting catcher, Carlos Beltran is staying, what happened to Murphy, Pedro Feliciano, supposedly cheaper seats, noooooooooo golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Yankees emailed us too! Happy Holidays email, brand new starting catcher, Carlos Beltran is staying, what happened to Murphy, Pedro Feliciano, supposedly cheaper seats, noooooooooo golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!
On the twelfth day Christmas, the New York teams gave us a big F you! Happy Holidays emails, brand new starting catcher, Carlos Beltran is staying, what happened to Murphy, Pedro Feliciano, supposedly cheaper seats, noooooooooo golden rings! Didn’t get Cliff Lee, lot’s of no name players, two days of Derek Jeter bullsh*t, and brand new management!

So have a very historic holiday and to all a good night!

We hope that those celebrating will enjoy their Christmas and Kwanzaa festivities and we apologize for totally screwing up Chanukah. Happy belated Chanukah. Our bad.