Sunday, August 19, 2012

Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day 2012

After running the Runyon 5K at Yankees Stadium on Sunday, we actually sucked it up and blogged despite being very tired. We had a lot to cover over the following weeks so we asked you what you were most excited to hear about. Sadly, only 5 people voted. Only 2 f*cking people gave a crap about Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! TWO! Our blog is practically dedicated to this man and you don't even give a crap about his holiday. 3 of you wanted to hear about the Mickey Mantle exhibit at Yankees Stadium (which is not very large so we don't know why you're so passionate about it). NO ONE wanted to hear about our experience running a 5K at Yankees Stadium. Are you freakin' kidding us? We ran on the damn warning track...for cancer! And we did it disabled. Lisa had the Black Lung and Serena had shin splints. The course included 4 million stairs or some sh*t like that and we were not allowed to use the elevator. You people are so damn selfish.

Welcome to the 4th Annual Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! Boy, have we had some good times with Timmy this past year. It's insane how much we've done with him. We're not sure how we're going top this next year. For starters, he joined us at the the Superbowl Parade to celebrate the New York Giants defeat of the New England Patriots. Even though he's not from New York, he's quite fond of Eli Manning and flying toilet paper.
As you can see, in the offseason, Timmy is a little broader. You'll find out why in the Fun Facts Section. After the parade, we headed over to McGee's, which is the inspiration for McLaren's Irish Pub in How I Met Your Mother. Tim's favorite character on the show is Marshall.
To celebrate the 50th Anniversary of James Bond, Serena threw a Casino Royale party. An avid Bond fan, Timmy was in attendance. He's great at counting cards. He kicked all of our asses at BlackJack. As we all know, Lisa has a gambling problem and lost all of her chips. She had to borrow from Timmy.
At the end of the evening, after we all had too much to drink, he cuddled with Serena.
In March, Jess and Timmy celebrated Serena's birthday with us Atlantic City-style. Timmy came up with the idea of having a cross-dressing evening, which is why we're in suits and and Timmy is in that lovely sparkling green dress that Jess loaned him for the night. We smoked cigars and drank scotch while Timmy smoked his Parliament Lights from a cigarette holder and drank cosmos all evening.
St. Patrick's Day was so amazing, we can barely remember it. Timmy made us do Jameson shots, which as everyone knows, is an instant pants dropper. That's why Serena woke up the next day with her skirt hiked up around her boobs. There may or may not have been an awkward threesome that evening. We cannot confirm or deny this as we had too much to drink and cannot remember.
Just a few weekends ago, we returned to Atlantic City to celebrate Maureen's bachelorette party. Timmy was allowed to join us girls because he's like one of the girls anyway. He tried to convince us to do a cross-dressing evening again, but it was just getting weird, so we declined. He, however, insisted that he wear a dress. Not totally sure why.
It's time for our traditional Fun Facts about Tim Section! Did you know....
...that Timmy has worn his ratty-looking cap in every major league game that he has ever pitched in? It's a superstition. Rumor has it that the cap doesn't stink despite not being washed. It is said that he had an investigative reporter sniff it for proof. He is a rare young man that knows what Febreeze is for.
...that at age 14, he could do a back flip from standing start?
...that he can walk across the room on his hands? It makes Lisa happy to see him do this.
...that he often made his little league all star teams, but didn't start?
...that in 2011, Tim packed on 20 lbs., hoping to improve his endurance? It didn't work, so he quit eating fast food and dropped the weight during the offseason. Maybe if he had tried gaining weight by adding muscle, he would've had different results?
...that Tim made his high school varsity golf team even though he had only played 27 holes when he tried out?
...that Tim got a new puppy? He named it Kayo in honor of his grandfather who was a boxer.
...that in 2011, Tim passed Christy Mathewson as the all-time leader in double-digit strikeout games?
...that he is the first Giant to have 4 consecutive seasons off 200+ strikeouts?
...that in 2011, Tim became just the 6th pitcher since 1900 to have a losing record despite recording 200 strikeouts and posting an ERA under 2.75?
...that for a typical meal at In-N-Out, he eats 3 double doubles without lettuce or tomato, 2 orders of fries, and a chocolate-strawberry milkshake for a total of approximately 3,100 calories? F*CK YOU, Timmy! You should be a fat ass! We're sorry, we shouldn't have yelled at you like that. We love you.
...that if you had looked under the bill of his cap when he pitched for the University of Washington, you would've seen 161 slash marks neatly tallied in rows representing each strikeout he recorded in 112 innings as a freshman?
...that Tim does a dead-on impression of Gollum from Lord of the Rings? It never fails to creep Serena out.
...that he has sung verses of Bobby Brown's "My Perogative" on a Seattle-area sports radio program?

We hope that you've enjoyed this year's Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! It's now time for this week's installment of Baseball Notes! Melky Cabrera seriously f*cked up. He's now serving a 50-game suspension that will cause him to miss the rest of the season and part of next season for testing positive for testoserone, a performance-enhancing substance. Don't men just produce testoserone? Why did he need extra? Was his facial hair not growing fast enough for him? He will not be paid during this suspension and Serena has angrily dropped him from Tigers Love Pepper. A-hole!

Derek Lowe is the newest addition to the New York Yankees pitching staff. He signed the contract on Monday, two weeks after being designated for assignment by the Cleveland Indians. Lowe pitched 4 shut-out innings in Monday night's game against Texas, giving him his first regular season save since 2001 while with Boston.

Starting next week, Citi Field and Yankees Stadium will function as the guinea pigs for a new instant replay system that will judge balls hit down each foul line. Eventually, they're going to expand the system's usage to track balls hit to the outfield to judge whether or not the ball was trapped. Fantastic. So the MLB is now the NFL. Will there also be a 2 minute timeout? Flags on the play? Will managers be able to throw a challenge flag? The MLB is just dicking around with the game too much now. Instant replay on home runs, additional wild card teams, and now instant replays on foul balls and balls hit to the outfield? What's next? Reviews of stolen bases and plays at first base? Cut the sh*t, Bud Selig. Cut the sh*t. The game is long enough as it is.


  1. okay, okay . . . At first I thought Timmy must have some embarrassing photos of you two in order to get himself an appreciation day, but then I realized there probably isn't anything so embarrassing as actually HAVING a Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day.

    I know , that was mean, and I would say I was sorry, except that the near glimpse of Timmy's granny panties in Serena's birthday photo has me tasting a little throw-up in my mouth and unable to speak. And obviously, he has been sharing his weed with you, so perhaps you are not even legally culpable. One note, he really does have nice legs though. Hmmmm

    It is a little disturbing to find out that his cross dressing is so far out of the closet now. And I wonder whether or not he shouldn't start shopping at Melky Cabrera's favorite web sites to help with the loss of masculinity.

    On a positive note, and you know that I scour these photos you post for all sort of information, and I am happy to see that Serena washes up nice, and that she looks better in a dress that Timmy does. She actually looks better in a suit than he does, but I think that's all about attitude.

    Finally . . . Bud Selig A-Hole of the week? Isn't that understating his a-holiness? I mean, exactly what week out of the year is he not an A-hole? And maybe he needs a shot of Cabrera juice before he dresses up this game in french cut panties, push up bra, and black patent leather pumps with 6 inch heels and makes it Hockey's b**ch.

  2. For starters, mind your manners. Timmy is the f*cking shit. He's just having a terrible season, which is probably a result of having quit weed.

    Second of all, who said that Timmy was wearing granny panties? He HAPPENED to be wearing a very sexy pair of lace boyshorts that Serena loaned him. And we couldn't agree more about his legs. They're stunning. We're slightly ashamed that his stems are infinitely hotter than ours. There is nothing disturbing about Timmy's urges for cross-dressing are so far public. A man should feel encouraged to embrace his inner freakishness. Just don't expect to borrow our makeup. Our panties are bad enough.

    Happy to hear that you think Serena cleans up nice. We know how you were skeptical there for a good portion of your time with us. You probably suspected that she was a bit mannish. Doesn't she wear a three-piece suit like a mother f*cking champ though? ;)

    We don't have an a-hole of the century feature on this blog, hence Bud Selig being a-hole of the week. Besides, dedicating real estate to Bud Selig for that long, even if it is to make fun of him, is too much attention than he's worth.

  3. Its not some much his season, as him looking like he's 12 and having a 12 year old in your underwear doesn't make it any better, even if it does sound hot.

    And yeah, I'm happy to see Serena looking fine and all curvy in her party dress. And I never thought she look mannish. Truth be told I've had a crush on her ever since I saw her in yoga pants with her tongue out.

  4. 12 year olds these day are very advanced. Timmy is right in line with his peers.

    "...ever since I saw her in yoga pants with her tongue out." *sigh* Words a woman could grow old to. LOL.

  5. You two are so cute when you're indignant. Now shush and pass the lipstick.


  6. Lipstick? We do lip GLOSS, champ. Get it straight. Jeez. If you're going to borrow our beauty regiment, at the very least as for the proper tools.

  7. I was asking for lipstick in order to draw cute pictures . . . duh!!

  8. We use pencil eyeliner for that, Jim! GOD! Get with the program!

  9. hahaha...Timmy was so banged up on St. Patrick's Day.

    what a great holiday St. Patrick's Day! At the end of what other holiday does someone wake up with a skirt over their boobs??

  10. We feel a party ain't a party till ones skirt is over their boobs. :p