Sunday, November 18, 2012

Passing Time Between Baseball Seasons

Last week, Lisa provided you with comprehensive evidence as to why TOWSNBN should just pony up, be a man, and give her some TLC. Based on the poll results, we've figured that you don't really hate us at all. All 5 of you said that he should meet Lisa ("GOD! What's his problem?"). No one selected, "No, I think it's time for Lisa to be committed." This was very supportive of you. It boosted her self esteem by a whopping 1%. What's clear to us now is that you actually hate Serena. That is why when we're together and offer you a poll about how amazing we are, you continue to select the options that hurt our feelings. It's a good thing that Serena is a professional drinker or else she'd have nothing to drown her sadness in. So f*ck you, b*tches!

Behold...the offseason. The awards have been given out. The champagne drunk. People of importance have woken up in beds next to strange people by mistake. And as usual, we were not invited to any of the parties. In all honesty, we're starting to think our most frequently attended sports bars are starting to bemoan our presence. In one bar's defense, we DID inappropriately sniff one of the owners, which could be considered strange by some people. It wasn't our fault though. He smelled really good and the cologne was wafting across the bar at us, slithering toward us like a tantalizing and hypnotic cheesey gordita crunch (no baja sauce for Serena because she thinks it's creepy). It couldn't be helped. We're suckers for good cologne.

How to pass the time until pitchers and catchers report in February? We will share with you how we keep ourselves most occupied (most occupied, indeed).
  1. Football. Football gives us an opportunity to eat an entire day/evening and an excuse to eat wings and drink too much on Monday and Thursday nights. We understand that we drink too much on most nights, but it's more healthy to have something to blame your drinking on. It means you're not alcoholic. You're a social drinker. People love social drinkers because they're so much fun. It's not YOUR fault that the NFL scheduled a game for EVERY Monday. You weren't involve with the scheduling.  Now they've got games on Thursdays too. The NFL is practically begging you to be an alcoholic.
  2. Talk about all of the different runs you're going to register for this year in an effort to lead a healthier lifestyle and score free goodie bags. Thankfully, these runs really don't start April, so there's no reason for you to start training yet. You've got plenty of time to continue to be fat and lazy.
  3. Holiday fun stuff. Each year, we go into the City to enjoy all of its beautiful holiday greatness: ice cream sundaes at Serendipity 3, ice skating at Wolman Rink, the tree at Rockefeller Center, and behave like a-holes at FAO Schwartz. Good times.
  4. Gambling keeps you warm at night. Every year we travel to Foxwoods to meet our friend, Maria for boozing and gambling. Oftentimes, Lisa gambles away our gas money. When we can't get away, Serena pulls out her poker table top and we have card night with Brother and his friends...because it seems as if Brother's friends are the only male beings that want to spend any time with us.
  5. Continue checking the ESPN Free Agent Tracker for updates regarding key players.
  6. Plan the 2013 Stadium Tour. Arizona/Texas, here we come! Yee-haw!  
  7. Spend an inordinate amount of time in Serena's bed watching television. Sometimes we talk about how we're going to start getting back into shape and dieting..."soon."
  8. Plan next year's Halloween costume. Velma and Daphne will be tough to top, but we ARE borderline professionals.
  9. Discuss who we will take with us to Disney in December, if anyone, seeing as how we won Disney park hopper passes for best Halloween least that's the rumor Mama Leone keeps spreading.
  10. Spend Danny's money. He seems so eager to give it away. He's not really funny and he's a Ginger, so he likes to spend a lot of time with us because we're so funny and non-Ginger like.
Baseball notes:
Giants' Buster Posey and Tigers' Miguel Cabrera earned NL and AL MVP Awards this week. Cabrera beat Angels' Mike Trout to become the first player in 45 years to win the Triple Crown Award. Cy Young Awards were won by RA Dickey and David Price. Bryce Harper and Mike Trout won League Toddler of the Year Awards (there's a f*cking surprise...did either man even have competition in this contest?).

The Blue Jays have been busy little birds this offseason. The Jays kicked off the week by announcing that they completed a deal with the Marlins that included 12 players. Mark Buerhle, Jose Reyes, and Josh Johnson were among the players dealt to the Jays. In addition, there seems to be a deal in the works for Melky Cabrera. The 2-year contract would pay Cabrera $16 million to hopefully not take performance enhancing drugs.

Elsewhere, Torii Hunter signed a 2-year contract with the Tigers worth $26 million. New York free agents still up for grabs are as follows: Hiroki Kiroda, Nick Swisher, Mariano Rivera, Rafael Soriano, Ichiro Suzuki, Russell Martin, Tim Byrdak, Ronny Cedeno, Eric Chavez, Pedro Feliciano, Freddy Garcia, Scott Hairston, Raul Ibanez, Andruw Jones, Derek Lowe, Andy Pettitte, Ramon Ramirez, Jon Rauch, and Kelly Shoppach.

133 days until Opening Day, people. After much consideration, we've decided that we will be escorting each other to our respective teams' opening days rather than run around begging people to go with us when they really don't want to...and then not getting our way when we get to the game. Be prepared for some pre-game festivities that may or may not include video feed. You're so excited. We know.

Everyone enjoy your Turkey Day and Black Friday experiences. We're hoping to pick up Josh Hamilton for relatively cheap.


  1. Randy: if Miguel Cabrera does some performance enhancing drugs with Toronto, you know what that would make him?a dirty bird.awwww. you're great too Serena! There would be no Traveling Baseball Babes without ya. 

    1. Randy, don't patronize me. You don't love me.

      Gracefully Yours,

  2. that's only because you're a Yankees fan. :)

    you're still great.



  3. I'm still great. Haha. I feel like I was just dumped. "Listen, it's not you. It's me..."


  4. lol

    Since this is the time of year when people give thanks, I will say I'm thankful I find your blog. Both of you seem pretty awesome to me. Funny, creative, smart, like to toss back beers and shovel food down your gullets all the while talking about sports. It's great seeing sports through a different angle and point of view.

    For the life of me, I fail to see why there isn't a waiting list of guys for both of ya. You're both 5 tool players. Besides being funny, smart and creative you both can bake, started your own charity and are a couple of cuties. Seriously. I look forward to next season and reading about your adventures and opinions on baseball and stuff.

    I hope both of you and your families have a good Thanksgiving.

    Sincerely for reals. :)

    1. Thanks Randy! Happy Turkey day to you and your family! We are thankful for the great blog reading followers we have. Without you it would just be the TBB laughing alone :)

    2. Oh...tear. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to us. You must be the only person who doesn't vote for the spiteful choices of our blog.

      Your kind words has given us additional energy. We must not fail you. We must deliver hilarity 24/7. We will strive to make you laugh so hard you piss yourself each week. It'll be a tough road, but we know that we can do it!

  5. one hates Serena. Just the oposite, in fact, I'm sure! On your way to Arizona and Texas, stop by North Carolina, that's where I'll be spending my baseball trip this year. BTW, there's plenty of casinos up here in Michigan.

    1. You know...Serena's cousins live in Asheville, NC. They've been asking us to join them for a 5K obstacle course run. We're sure we can squeeze baseball in there as well. After all, Bull Durham is one of Serena's favorite movies.

      Btw - way to try to sucker Lisa into a trip with images of slot machines and casino chips. Bad, Michael David! Bad!

    2. Hmmmm Michigan has lots of casinos you say Lisa might have to lose all her money at a new spot.
      Infact if she loses it all she will be needing a place to stay. Lol

  6. thanks for giving me an excuse to piss my pants!

    if you have a vote that involves videos or stuffing your face with food I have to be honest and admit you will get at least 1 vote for either option! hahaha. And I always for happy endings for the TBBs ;)

  7. Yes...I am very bad, lol. I'll be seeing games in both Durham and Asheville. After all, Crash broke his home run record playing for the Tourists! Did I mention how awesome the casinos are up here? They even bring in some great bands like Skid Row, Slaughter, Def Leppard, and Tesla for entertainment at times...

    1. Now you have done did it... 80's Rock and gambling. We may never see Lisa again...