Who is Going to Pay Us NOT to Call in Sick?

So…Derek Jeter’s still not signed. We asked you what you thought the story was behind this whole fiasco. 5 of you believe that he and the Yankees are simply having a lovers’ quarrel. They’ll be back together in no time. No one thinks that he’s broken hearted and unable to get over the betrayal…at least enough to make the mistake of signing with the Red Sox. 3 of you are pretty confident that he could care less being that he’s rich. Rich enough to retire now and never have to get off the couch ever again. In fact, he’s so wealthy, that he doesn’t even have to get up to poop. He can either pay someone to clean him up or leave it because he’s rich and he’s allowed to do whatever he wants.

The Dodgers signed RHP Jon Garland to a 1-year $5 million contract this past weekend. The contract includes an $8 million club option for 2012, which would vest if he pitches more than 190 innings in 2011. Since 2002, Garland has started 292 games with 121 wins and 1,842 2/3 innings pitched. This ranks him 5th, 8th, and 9th respectively among big league pitchers. Garland will be the Dodgers 5th starter.

Last week, we reported on a rumor about Victor Martinez moving to Tigers and it appears that this time, one of our rumors is actually true. We swear we didn’t make this one up. We know we lie to you regularly, but this time, this story is valid. He’ll earn $50 million over the course of 4 seasons.

According to a source (again…not us), Mariano Rivera will continue to close for the Yankees for the next 2 seasons. The contract is rumored to be worth $30 million. This is a man who has just turned 41 years old. We hope that when we’re 41, our CEO is willing to pay us that much for only 2 years of work.

Apparently, the Red Sox will be re-signing Jason Varitek to a 1-year deal worth $2 million according to yet another source. The contract supposedly includes $300, 000 in incentives based on playing time - $100, 000 for 60, 70, and 80 games started behind the plate. That’s amazing. Let’s be real for a second. Is he really going to start for 80 games? If the Red Sox sign a legit catcher, there’s no way. The good news for Jason is that while his playing time may be limited, he still gets to keep that stupid ‘C’ on his jersey as if he’s a hockey player. We hear that Big Papi has been asked to bedazzle the ‘C’ for this season as an additional incentive.

As we report to you the stellar details of these already over-inflated contracts, we can’t help but feeling the taste of vomit in the backs of our throats as we read about “incentives.” So…you do your job and you get extra money on top of your preposterous and obnoxious salaries. Let us break this down even further. You’re a baseball player. You make a retarded amount of money to play a game, wear a uniform that’s already provided to you (meaning you don’t have to pay for it out of your pocket) and show up to the field. If you strike out every single time you’re at the plate or give up a home run with every pitch thrown, you can still earn your asinine “base” salary (okay, so this might be a SLIGHT exaggeration, but you get our point). HOWEVER, should you choose to play up to your ability OR go above and beyond, you have the potential to earn even more millions of dollars/season. For doing what? What you’re supposed to? What you’re telling us is that you could be an under-achiever and make disgusting amounts of money OR be an achiever/over-achiever and make disgusting amounts of money and then some? Exactly, what are WE doing wrong here? Here, in TBB world, you show up to work every day. If you don’t show up and do your work work, you get written up and then you get FIRED. Unlike being on the DL, when you’re unemployed, you don’t make any money. If you do your job well, you’re not applauded. You don’t get “extra money.” You get more f’n work to do because clearly you’re competent enough to handle it. Oh and our uniforms? We have to BUY our collared shirts and dress pants. Hooray! Where’s our incentives? Our only incentive is that we need a job and if we don’t work, we won’t have a job anymore. The end. F you, MLB. F you.

TBB Super Hero, David Bowie (aka: the Goblin King Jareth with an enormous package) said it best when he danced magic danced and sang, “You remind me of the Babe (Ruth). The Babe didn’t get those salaries.”