Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Last week, the big news was that Ryan Braun was cleared of all performance-enhancing drug charges. We asked if you were happy about it. Surprisingly, 5 of you voted, “No. He did it! I know he did! And I’m not gonna rest until I get the evidence I need to prove it!” Only 2 of you chose, “Yes, I love him and his Italian restaurant with the creepy waiters.” We thought he had more fans than this. We’re truly shocked that more of you weren’t supportive of him. 
 

Among the many other things that AJ Burnett does not do well, the man apparently can’t sacrifice bunt to save his eye. AJ took a ball to the eye off his bat during bunting practice. He underwent surgery to repair the fracture and will miss 2-3 months, forcing the Pirates to change their Opening Day starter. While Lisa finds this story amusing (as AJ will most likely have to wear an eye patch while playing for the Pirates), Serena is absolutely flabbergasted. Having played softball for most of her life, she happens to be a pretty good bunter. It’s not all that difficult. It’s probably the easiest thing she learned while playing the game right after learning how to slide into a base. Even watching the replay of this accident confuses Serena (Lisa laughs at it). How BAD do you have to be at squaring off to the pitcher in order for this to happen? The bat’s supposed to be nowhere near your face. It’s still supposed to be able to cover the plane of the plate. We’ve literally watched the video 6 times. Each time, our conversation goes something like this:

*Play Video*
Lisa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Serena: I just don’t get it!!!! What the f*ck is he doing?
Lisa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Serena: It just doesn’t make any sense!
Lisa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Serena: Want to watch it again?
Lisa: YES!

It’s at this time that we feel it necessary to break up with AJ once and for all. He’s no longer with the Yankees and now he no longer has an eye. After breaking up with him on our blog during the 2010 season, we dallied off and on with our AJ (we do share a house pet after all). For those of you who have no idea what we’re talking about, please read this. But now there’s nothing keeping us tied to him, we’ve decided that we need to cut ties and be firm about it. No more back and forth crap. It’s too much. Our hearts can’t take it anymore. It brings us great pain to do this, but it needs to be done.

Dear AJ,

By the time you read this, you will already have gotten your eye patch. Hopefully, reading this letter will not strain your remaining good eye. We all know that this relationship hasn’t been easy these last two seasons. Your inconsistent efforts on and off the field (and don’t make us spell this one out. You know what we’re referring to here) has taken its toll. Adding these issues to the fact this has now become a long distance relationship pretty much spells doom. Plus, you’re not even with a good team. How do you expect us to pretend to be happy for you when you’re playing for the Pirates? At this point, you should just head down to the minors. We’d have a little bit more respect for you. Perhaps you should consider retiring.

This brings us to the recent incident of your eye. We get that you play for the Pirates and that it’s amusing that you’re forced to wear an eye patch now, but c’mon. We enjoyed role playing together, but this is taking things too far. Now you’re living the role play. That’s not cool. That’s pathetic. Instead of being a starting pitcher, you’re the team mascot. We like mascots and all, but you don’t see us trying to go out with any of them, do you? No. That’s weird. And creepy. It’s like we don’t even know you anymore. How did that ball even hit your eye? Lisa’s father always warned us that you were an a-hole and now here’s the proof. We should’ve listened to him before we became emotionally attached. What happened to us, AJ? There was such promise. Such fire. And then you sucked, which got you traded. To a sucky team to top it all off.

It’s time for us to move on to bigger and better things. Lisa’s in love with Joey Votto now (he’s a guido after all) and Serena’s onto Justin Verlander. Turns out they have a lot in common, including the Taco Bell menu. We’re not sure we ever had anything in common with you. Now that we’ve had time to think about it, we’re not even sure why we started dating you to begin with. You’re blonde. And not that attractive. Even worse is that you cost the Yankees a sh*t ton of games! Last season, you ended the year with an ERA over 5. That’s just unforgiveable. What are we supposed to do with a man like that? Now you’re telling us that you can’t even do the one lousy thing that pitchers are supposed to be able to do in the batter’s box? You’re a pathetic excuse for a professional baseball player, pitcher, man, and most of all, lover.

Since we’re leaving you in such a heartless way, we’re going to let you have Winkie. Unfortunately, Lisa lost him, so you’ll have to find him first. She has no idea as to how long he’s been missing, but the good news is that he’s a cat, so he’s probably just fine. Rumor has it that he’s on his way to San Francisco to live with Barry Zito and his comb-over/porn-stache. At least Barry’s never hit himself in the eye during bunt practice. You know what? Let’s be real here. We don’t even like cats, so why we agreed to adopt one with you is beyond our comprehension. If you retire, you can take Winkie to Florida with you (that is, if you can find him) and live happily without us.

*Sigh* Listen, you know we love you, but we just can’t take this. You know we love you, but we’re playing for keeps. Although we need you, we’re not gonna make this. You know we want to, but we’re in too deep. Enjoy Pittsburgh. Say hello to your mother for us. We did like her despite the fact that she birthed a pansy such as yourself.

Formerly Yours,

Lisa & Serena

PS- Don’t expect us to say hello to you when you’re at Citi Field because it’s not going to happen. The pain of this relationship is too great. We can’t be friends.

Now for the rest of this week’s baseball notes:

The asinine added Wild Card round will go into effect this season. Thank goodness the MLB has another avenue with which to make money. So happy for them. We were afraid for a hot second that they might starve. The new Wild Card round will consist of a single-elimination game in each league. The 3 Division winners in each league will await the survivor of this 1-game playoff in order determine their Division Series opponents. This is just like being in Little League. Everyone gets a f*cking trophy. The teams that play the best should go to the playoffs. It’s really that simple. Also, with this new format, Division rivals will now be able to face each other in the Division Series. Confused? We’ll explain. Last year, the American League Wild Card came out of the East (as usual). The Yankees were unable to face the Rays, therefore they faced the Tigers whereas the Rays faced the Rangers. Under the new scenario, the Yankees might’ve faced the Rays in which case the Tigers would’ve faced the Rangers. Adding this extra round also eliminates potential last minute drama during the regular season. Last year, both the Cardinals and Rays advanced to the Wild Card on the last day of the regular season by defeating the Braves and Red Sox respectively. Had we had this new format, all four teams would’ve advanced to this bull sh*t new Wild Card game and we would’ve been sitting here watching baseball during Thanksgiving. F*ck the Dallas Cowboys game. We would’ve been eating turkey while watching Albert Pujols face off against Josh Hamilton.

Now that the Marlins have flamboyant new uniforms, a snazzy new stadium, and a revamped lineup, the team eyes the chance to host the 2015 All Star Game. As if that’s not enough, the team’s confident that they’ll also have the chance to host the 2013 World Baseball Classic. Sorry, but this is what we’re hooting and hollering about?

We’re not impressed. It looks like a resort from this angle and in other photos, it’s passable for an airport or aquarium. Nothing about this screams baseball. It screams “douchebag.” Kind of like their new short stop.

Jason Varitek retired. Boo hoo. Cry us a river.

Finally, enough’s enough. This has to stop. Where are you with this f*cking beard? Are you in a cave? What is this? It’s just not funny anymore. Look at us. We’re not laughing. You look like an a-hole. Oh…wait…are you having a mental breakdown? Cos’ then it’s totally rude for us to pick on you about this. It’s becoming quite clear that you’re suffering from a chemical imbalance.

Old Time Rock N’ Roll

Following the release of the Forbes’ Most Disliked Athletes, we asked you why you hated Kris Humphries. 12 of you actually responded. Wow. Apparently we found something you’re passionate about. A man with no personality. Exciting stuff. 5 of you said that you were jealous of the fact that he penetrated Kim Kardashian. Not surprising that this choice was the winner. In second place with 4 votes is “I don’t hate him. I actually have no idea who the hell he is.” 3 of you voted for “It’s his hair. Something about it. Makes me feel like he’s not to be trusted.” No one voted for the fact that he spells his name wrong. If we voted on our own polls, that would’ve gotten at least 1 vote because his spelling of the name “Chris” drives Serena crazy. How stupid could his parents possibly be? Everyone knows Chris is spelled with a “Ch,” not a “K.” It’s just like that a-hole Andruw Jones. It’s An-DREW, d*ckhead!

By now, we’ve all heard the news that Hall of Fame catcher Gary Carter died following a battle with brain cancer that lasted approximately 9 months. Lisa returned home from work on Thursday to find Papa L heartbroken over the news. Gary Carter had always been one of the good ones. Hard working, played with fire, never heard anything scandalous about him, rallied his teammates, was about the team, not himself or his stats. In professional sports these days, a good man like Carter is hard to find and it seems as though the good ones can’t catch a break while the bad apples are given everything on a silver plate. Imagine what classy players like Don Mattingly and Ken Griffey Jr. could have done with their careers had they not had the misfortune of being plagued with injuries. Johan Santana and Justin Morneau are both coming off of severe injuries confident that they’ll return healthy for the 2012 season, but there’s no telling what the Mets and Twins are actually going to get out of these players no matter how hard they work to get back to their original form.

On the flip side, players like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez, Carlos Beltran, and Jose Reyes were given a gift and instead of appreciating it and playing the game the way it should’ve been, they disrespected the it. Sprinkled among this gambit of jerk offs are steroid scandals, wagging tongues, lies, disrespect of management, selfishness, and flat out laziness. The most recent example of this is Jose Reyes. His departure for Miami clearly displayed that money was more important to him than being a part of a team (like Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Tim Wakefield, Ken Griffey Jr., Tim Lincecum, Joe Mauer). Reyes spent years with the Mets following the signing of his big contract acting insubordinate to his management (Willie Randolph) and putting for zero effort on the field. In the final year of his contract, in an attempt to make a “good impression” on potential employers, he stepped up his game and began to play like the Reyes of old. One good season is not enough. You should be playing with heart every day. You’re paid to play, not look pretty. If that’s what you wanted out of a career, you should’ve called Tyra Banks for a position on America’s Next Top Model (ahem, we’re talking to you, Carlos Beltran).

Having an utter disregard for how the game was meant to be played is the most frustrating thing to watch as a fan. You pay good money to watch these players and it’s disappointing to feel like you care more about the outcome than they do. Not running out ground balls, not taking the extra two steps to catch a ball on the fly, swinging at bad pitches (or just watching it pass by), and not taking the extra base when it’s available to you is unacceptable. You learn these basic skills in little league. Now that you get paid to do these little things, what exactly is your problem? What the hell happened to you? You cared at one point. The aftermath of the dropped Luis Castillo pop up during the Subway Series at Yankees Stadium in 2009 blew our minds. Not because Castillo dropped the ball (that was bad enough), but because Mark Teixeira scored from first on the play. People carried on about what heads up base running that was and that’s absolutely true. It was heads up base running, but on the same token, it was two outs. He should’ve been running hard period. That’s something you learn in week 2 of playing little league. So, yeah, he should get a pat on the back for doing it, but he was also doing his job properly. Why are we making such a big deal about it? He was SUPPOSED to do that. Once upon a time, the Andruw Joneses and Alphonso Sorianos of the game used to run hard like that. Being paid big money isn’t an acceptable excuse. In fact, neither is age because despite big money and getting older, you still see Derek Jeter, TOWSNBN, and Jayson Werth running everything out. They might have lost a step or two as they’ve gotten older, but that doesn’t prevent them from playing up to the best of their ability. That’s what matters. Brian McCann is slow as sh*t, but that doesn’t stop him from running the bases as hard as he possibly can. Check out this video clip of his first big league triple. You can pretty much stop watching after 1:24 because the rest of the clip is Jeff Francoeur scoring McCann on a sac fly. Note how Chipper Jones nearly pisses himself from laughing at McCann’s base running. He may look ridiculous, but he’s hustling! As he should be.

The cult following behind Jason Varitek is flabbergasting. Do these people realize that he’s a lazy catcher? Most of his pass balls are not a result of the pitcher’s inaccuracy, but because he was too lazy to move his fat a$$ into a better fielding position. When you’re learning how to field, you’re taught that whenever possible, get your body in front of the ball. On the field, the catcher probably has the easiest time of this than any of his/her teammates. Why? Because the ball is being thrown directly to him. Instead of sticking your glove out to catch a ball to the right or left of you, shuffle your damn feet, and move your butt to get in front of the ball. How friggin’ hard is that? You see college kids doing it all the time. Hell, you see Joe Mauer doing it all the time and he’s got to be the biggest damn catcher we’ve ever seen. He’s got grasshopper legs. From that position, if the ball bounces off of you, it’ll at least stay in front of you, keeping the runners from advancing as opposed to the ball ricocheting off your glove and rolling off to god knows where. We think these lollygagging players need a little bit of this to get them back on track.

Being mouthy is second only to laziness. We’ll accept your douchey personality if you play the game the way it was meant to be (Chipper Jones). Pedro Martinez, Manny Ramirez, Carl Pavano, Jimmy Rollins, Josh Beckett, Dallas Braden and Andruw Jones are all talented athletes. They were all given gifts that normal, everyday people will never come close to. Instead of being humble, they became legends in their own minds. Dallas Braden, for example, apparently pays the mortgage on the mound at McAfee Coliseum. No one’s allowed to run across it. Not even Alex Rodriguez, who unlike Braden, has definitely clocked in many hours working with the MLB. What’s worse about Braden is that he plays for the A’s. This man isn’t even a douchebag playing in Boston, Philly, or New York where douchebags grow on trees. Pedro Martinez threw an old man (Don Zimmerman) on the ground and not only did he not apologize for this type of behavior, he apparently saw nothing wrong with it. Jimmy Rollins needs to stop for two seconds and shut the f*ck up. Just play the stupid game. Quit your damn yammering. You sound like an a-hole. Carl Pavano’s got a lot wrong with him. The Marlins’ World Series championship against the Yankees in 2003 proved that the boy could not only pitch, but pitch well in high pressure situations. What followed his departure from the Marlins is truly astounding. The man got into car accident and didn’t tell anyone in the Yankees organization of his injuries. He just decided he’d pitch through them. Way to take the team’s well-being into consideration on that one, pal. Good job.

After a lot of bitching on our part, we present you with this week’s baseball notes: All Star outfielder and 3-time Gold Glove winner Mike Cameron has announced his retirement after 17 years of playing. Cameron had agreed to terms with the Nationals just two months prior. Over the span of his career, he played with 8 teams including the White Sox, Mariners, Marlins, Mets, Padres, and Brewers.

45-year old knuckle-baller Tim Wakefield also announced his retirement after 19 years with the league, 17 of them playing for the Red Sox. That’s amazing. Players just don’t stay with teams for that long anymore.

In asstastic news, Jayson Werth still looks like a hairy a-hole, but at the very least, he’s trimmed the beast that’s residing on his face. Maybe the TBB’s are finally rubbing off on him.

Bob Seger rounds out the day with, “Just give us the old time baseball players. The kind of men that played with soul. We reminisce about the days of old with those old time baseball players.”

Who is Going to Pay Us NOT to Call in Sick?

So…Derek Jeter’s still not signed. We asked you what you thought the story was behind this whole fiasco. 5 of you believe that he and the Yankees are simply having a lovers’ quarrel. They’ll be back together in no time. No one thinks that he’s broken hearted and unable to get over the betrayal…at least enough to make the mistake of signing with the Red Sox. 3 of you are pretty confident that he could care less being that he’s rich. Rich enough to retire now and never have to get off the couch ever again. In fact, he’s so wealthy, that he doesn’t even have to get up to poop. He can either pay someone to clean him up or leave it because he’s rich and he’s allowed to do whatever he wants.

The Dodgers signed RHP Jon Garland to a 1-year $5 million contract this past weekend. The contract includes an $8 million club option for 2012, which would vest if he pitches more than 190 innings in 2011. Since 2002, Garland has started 292 games with 121 wins and 1,842 2/3 innings pitched. This ranks him 5th, 8th, and 9th respectively among big league pitchers. Garland will be the Dodgers 5th starter.

Last week, we reported on a rumor about Victor Martinez moving to Tigers and it appears that this time, one of our rumors is actually true. We swear we didn’t make this one up. We know we lie to you regularly, but this time, this story is valid. He’ll earn $50 million over the course of 4 seasons.

According to a source (again…not us), Mariano Rivera will continue to close for the Yankees for the next 2 seasons. The contract is rumored to be worth $30 million. This is a man who has just turned 41 years old. We hope that when we’re 41, our CEO is willing to pay us that much for only 2 years of work.

Apparently, the Red Sox will be re-signing Jason Varitek to a 1-year deal worth $2 million according to yet another source. The contract supposedly includes $300, 000 in incentives based on playing time - $100, 000 for 60, 70, and 80 games started behind the plate. That’s amazing. Let’s be real for a second. Is he really going to start for 80 games? If the Red Sox sign a legit catcher, there’s no way. The good news for Jason is that while his playing time may be limited, he still gets to keep that stupid ‘C’ on his jersey as if he’s a hockey player. We hear that Big Papi has been asked to bedazzle the ‘C’ for this season as an additional incentive.

As we report to you the stellar details of these already over-inflated contracts, we can’t help but feeling the taste of vomit in the backs of our throats as we read about “incentives.” So…you do your job and you get extra money on top of your preposterous and obnoxious salaries. Let us break this down even further. You’re a baseball player. You make a retarded amount of money to play a game, wear a uniform that’s already provided to you (meaning you don’t have to pay for it out of your pocket) and show up to the field. If you strike out every single time you’re at the plate or give up a home run with every pitch thrown, you can still earn your asinine “base” salary (okay, so this might be a SLIGHT exaggeration, but you get our point). HOWEVER, should you choose to play up to your ability OR go above and beyond, you have the potential to earn even more millions of dollars/season. For doing what? What you’re supposed to? What you’re telling us is that you could be an under-achiever and make disgusting amounts of money OR be an achiever/over-achiever and make disgusting amounts of money and then some? Exactly, what are WE doing wrong here? Here, in TBB world, you show up to work every day. If you don’t show up and do your work work, you get written up and then you get FIRED. Unlike being on the DL, when you’re unemployed, you don’t make any money. If you do your job well, you’re not applauded. You don’t get “extra money.” You get more f’n work to do because clearly you’re competent enough to handle it. Oh and our uniforms? We have to BUY our collared shirts and dress pants. Hooray! Where’s our incentives? Our only incentive is that we need a job and if we don’t work, we won’t have a job anymore. The end. F you, MLB. F you.

TBB Super Hero, David Bowie (aka: the Goblin King Jareth with an enormous package) said it best when he danced magic danced and sang, “You remind me of the Babe (Ruth). The Babe didn’t get those salaries.”

Mourning the Loss of the Baseball Season

Well, we are sad to report that our poll turn out was limited to 5 measly votes. Is it because the season’s over and you’ve stopped caring? You, know we’ve not ditched our post as weekly bloggers despite the season coming to an end! We still manage to come up with worthless crap to feed you. The least you could do is patronize us and vote on our stupid poll. You don’t even have to read the blog if you don’t want to. Is that so much to ask for? Anyway, we had asked you what you thought would happen at this year’s winter meetings. 4 of you felt that Mr. Met would take over the role of Manager for the Mets while Jerry Manuel would step down and become the stadium’s Hot Dog Compliance Specialist. The fact that you’re allowing Manuel to have this sort of great responsibility just proves how forgiving you are. Lisa believes that Manuel will find a way to screw up Citi Field’s hot dogs…and hot dogs are vital components to a baseball game. We know. We’re professional hot dog research analysts. Only 1 of you thought that Jayson Werth is going to donate his creepy beard to Locks of Love, only to be rejected and then riots will ensue. We don’t really blame Locks of Love for rejecting his beard because let’s face it; no one deserves that for a wig. Finally, absolutely no one voted for the last three options: Brad Ziegler going to Pittsburg in exchange for a player to be named, AROD files for 60-day FML due to sensitivity issues, and Roy Halladay signs with the Angels. Really, people? Really? That last choice was the most likely event to occur and no one voted for it. No, you actually thought that Mr. Met would be an appropriate replacement for Jerry Manuel. Helloooooo, he can’t talk!!!! How do you expect him to call the bull pen? Plus, he’s always smiling so how do you think players are going to know when Mr. Met is angry? They’re going to think they’re doing a great job when they really aren’t. And how do you expect him to travel with the team? He’s head is way too big to fit through an airplane door.

Now…cue Darth Vadar’s imperial march. We are officially depressed. Now that the parade has passed and the excitement has died down, there’s nothing to look forward to until pitchers and catchers report. Okay, Christmas will be fun, but that’s completely irrelevant. There’s only football once a week and the Jets and Giants have been sucking interesting body parts lately. Pretty hard core actually. The Giants, in particular, have made Serena nauseas for three straight weeks. The only thing that has gotten her through these tough NFL times is the fact that they have a bye week this Sunday and therefore can’t possibly screw anything up. The Jets, however, are scheduled to play and could potentially give Tech Support Sean an ulcer. Other than that, what’s the TBB to do/watch? Project Runway’s coming to an end. Biggest Loser’s almost down to its last contestant. The Real Housewives of Atlanta have been relegated to reruns on Bravo. Will we really be forced to watch YES and SNY Classics? We KNOW what happens! There’s no pacing involved. No nail biting. No shouts of, “for heaven’s sakes! Call the bullpen! Here’s my cell phone! I have free nights and weekends! Go on! Use it!” No Premio sausage sandwiches or grilled hot dogs with awesome toppings. We’d have to travel to Vegas in order to get ourselves a $10 Coors Light. How boring.

Most importantly, no baseball season means there’s no stadium touring!!!! That’s our true life line! Those are the blogs we have most fun writing! In order to keep us going, we’ve resorted to depositing recyclables for money to put toward our LA/San Diego trip. It makes us feel like we’re accomplishing something related to stadium touring, but we’re not. We have no flights, no baseball tickets, no free giveaway schedules. We’re just the non-traveling depressed baseball babes. We’ve collected $8 so far from plastic bottles, beer bottles, and cans.

As a result of this manic depression, we’re concerned that our fans may feel the brunt of it the most. Our blogging abilities may suffer and we’ll simply continue to muck through garbage and rant about complete nonsense (like Sammy Sosa pulling a Michael Jackson…it’s black, it’s white?) and force you to read it…weekly. We apologize for this. We will sincerely try our best to avoid this type of calamity, but it may be inevitable.

We suppose that we could be positive about this whole thing. We can begin again. New hopes, dreams, and an uplifted faith (at least for Serena. Lisa, not so much). This is the year *insert favorite team* will take it all. This is it! Favorite team is going to sign that big shot free agent and all of our problems will be solved!

Unfortunately, what will happen (to us, anyway) is that before spring training is over, this hope will fade. It will be replaced by frustration and anger. Why did *insert favorite team’s GM* get rid of *insert favorite player* in favor of that douche, *insert douchey player*? What does douche do that favorite player doesn’t? Douche is probably represented by Scott Boras and will earn a hefty paycheck. Doubt will enter the corners of the mind as you begin to sweat the arrival of Opening Day. You hope your team does well. You hope your team does not get their butts handed to them by the Cleveland Indians at your team’s brand new stadium (like the Yankees did this year). If your team wins Opening Day, you think you can be relaxed because it’s a great start to the season (but you probably won’t relax). If your team loses, you’re going to be a wreck. What if they lose every game? What if they suck? What if that high-paid douche wasn’t the answer? What if he’s just a douche?

Of course, by the end of the season, douche will have done nothing, favorite team will probably end up in the bottom of the standings, and former favorite player will have gone on to win the World Series MVP and ride the lead float in the team parade. This brings us back to off season depression yet again. It’s a vicious cycle and through it all, you will remain loyal to favorite team.

We’re thinking of starting a support group. Please email us if you’re interesting in joining. Perhaps we can file for 501 (c) 3 status. Collect donations for our cause. Anyone?

In the meantime, we will have to perfect our strategies involving certain key players (TOWSNBN, Murphy, Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer, Barry Zito, Jeff Francoeur, “Tiny” Tim Lincecum, Mike Jacobs, Huston Street, Cole Hamels). Don’t worry, boys, we did not forget about you. 0 : )

Now for the drum roll please…the 2009 MLB Awards thus far:

American League Gold Gloves
Mark Buehrle (Chicago White Sox) P
Joe Mauer (Minnesota Twins) C
Mark Teixeira (New York Yankees) 1B
Placido Polanco (Detroit Tigers) 2B
Evan Longoria (Tampa Bay Rays) 3B
Derek Jeter (New York Yankees) SS
Torii Hunter (Los Angeles Angels) OF
Adam Jones (Baltimore Orioles) OF
Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle Mariners) OF

National League Gold Gloves
Adam Wainright (St. Louis Cardinals) P
Yadier Molina (St. Louis Cardinals) C
Adrian Gonzalez (San Diego Padres) 1B
Orlando Hudson (Los Angeles Dodgers) 2B
Ryan Zimmerman (Washington Nationals) 3B
Jimmy Rollins (Philadelphia Phillies) SS
Shane Victorino (Philadelphia Phillies) OF
Michael Bourn (Houston Astros) OF
Michael Kemp (Los Angeles Dodgers) OF

American League Silver Slugger Awards
Mark Teixeira (New York Yankees) 1B
Aaron Hill (Toronto Blue Jays) 2B
Derek Jeter (New York Yankees) SS
Evan Longoria (Tampa Bay Rays) 3B
Joe Mauer (Minnesota Twins) C
Adam Lind (Toronto Blue Jays) DH
Torii Hunter (Los Angeles Angels) OF
Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle Mariners) OF
Jason Bay (Boston Red Sox) OF

National League Silver Slugger Awards
Albert Pujols (St. Louis Cardinals) 1B
Chase Utley (Philadelphia Phillies) 2B
Hanley Ramirez (Florida Marlins) SS
Ryan Zimmerman (Washington Nationals) 3B
Brian McCann (Atlanta Braves) C
Carlos Zambrano (Chicago Cubs) P
Matt Kemp (Los Angeles Dodgers) OF
Andre Ethier (Los Angeles Dodgers) OF
Ryan Braun (Milwaukee Brewers) OF

We eagerly wait for the announcement of the Cy Young Awards, MVP’s, Batting Titles, Rookie of the Year, Manager of the Year, and Come Back Player of the Year. While we may not be happy with all of the results, we’re also excited about potential player moves.

In TBB Walks for Fred news, Fred K’s Cancer will be getting its own website and Facebook page, so any updates on our fundraising and the event will be posted there. The sites will be up and running by the end of the day on Monday.

On to today’s baseball notes: In extremely twisted news, Victor Zambrano’s mother was kidnapped in Venezuela on Sunday. After three days of captivity, police was able to stage a “commando-style” rescue. She was unharmed. Also on Sunday, the Twins picked up Michael Cuddeyer’s $10.5 million option for 2011, whereas the Red Sox declined the $6 million option on Alex Gonzalez and the Phillies declined the $5.5 million option on Pedro Feliz. The Red Sox are apparently very busy beavers because on Monday, they picked up Victor Martinez’s $7 million option, while declining stupid “C” is for “Catcher” Jason Varitek’s $5 million option. Unfortunately for Serena, the fool exercised his $3 million option so that he can stay with the Red Sox. How charming. She’s thrilled that she gets another season to look at him. The Sox also replaced Tim Wakefield’s option with a two year agreement. He claims that that once the two years are up, he’s calling it quits. The agreement will put him at 45 years old. This news completely shocked Serena. Tim Wakefield is 43 years old???? In more uplifting news (at least for us), Ken Griffey Jr. (who we love, love, love, love, love) signed a one year agreement with Mariners! Yay! Why didn’t we go to Seattle LAST year when he returned? Why did we have to go there when he was with the White Sox? Seattle’s manager, Jack Zdurienck stated that “we’re tickled pink that he’s decided to come back.” We’re not quite sure what “tickled pink” means, but it sounds rather dirty. Finally, there are some big guns up for hire this off season either through trade or free agency, including John Lackey (who has a snaggle tooth), Roy Halladay (who is most definitely a werewolf. Serena would bet money on it), and Javier Vazquez (who is actually somewhat attractive and low-key). Lisa will take any of them or all of them to play for the Mets. In exchange, she is willing to give up Oliver Perez, Luis Castillo, Carlos Beltran, Jose Reyes, Carlos Delgado, JJ Putz…basically the entire team with the exception of TWOSNBN, Jeff Francoeur, Daniel Murphy, Johan Santana, and Mr. Met. Everyone else can go. Serena would love for Roy Halladay to join the Yankees pitching staff, but will lock her doors for safety purposes when there’s a full moon.

We close today’s blog with the following words, written and performed by the illustrious BON JOVI! “We wake up in the morning and we raise our weary heads. We’ve got an old jersey from some player who got traded for a pillow and the baseball field was last night’s bed. We don’t know where we’re going, only the TBB fans know where we’ve been. We’re babes on the run, we love a 40-man roster (but not those on the DL), when will baseball return again, Yeah! The baseball season’s shot down in a blaze of glory! Take it down, but we know the truth! Pitchers and catchers report in February. Thank god.”

The 2009 MLB Season, may it rest in peace