So you’ve heard us bitch and moan on multiple occasions about people committing fashion faux pas at the baseball games we attend. This probably goes down at other sporting events as well, but that is beyond the scope of our blog. First, we’ll show you the “evidence” of these faux pas (gathered over several games). Then, we’ll share a detailed list of guidelines that will assist you so that you don’t commit a faux pas yourself AND defunct any potential excuses that fashion criminals may make. Finally, we will give you this week’s baseball notes, so if that’s all you care about, feel free to scroll to the bottom.
We present to you, the jury, Exhibit A:
The TBB’s Guide to Fashion Faux Pas:
- You cannot be a Yankees fan and wear a Reds hat because it matches your “outfit.” That is literally the most ridiculous thing we’ve ever heard, especially if you’re a guy. You’re a Yankees fan, so wear Yankees crap. That’s how it works. If you don’t like the color navy blue, you should’ve thought about that before rooting for the team. Maybe this is what is happening in Exhibit G. Perhaps under his black jacket, he wears the color red?
- In the case of Exhibit C, let’s suppose we’re correct in assuming that she simply hates New York and chose to wear her Red Sox hat in rebellion against the state she’d been visiting. We happen to like New York, but it’s totally okay if you don’t and it’s totally okay for you to wear your ugly Red Sox hat around the streets of New York. It’s a free country. But what are you accomplishing by wearing it to a Mets/Giants game? If you hate New York, we suppose that means you’re rooting for the Giants in this case. Wear a friggin’ Giants hat then! Don’t want to spend the money on merchandise for a team you really don’t care about? Don’t wear a hat at all! If you’re concerned about sun exposure, invest in sunblock and a generic hat/visor. Don’t be an a-hole.
- Referencing Exhibits A and D, it is not okay to wear a Mets or Yankees hat to a game in which your team is not playing. Same goes for Dodgers/Angels hats or White Sox/Cubs hats, even if your excuse is that you’re supporting your city. You’re not supporting your city. You’re confusing the crap out of us. Buy a New York City (or Los Angeles or Chicago) hat or t-shirt. NOW you’re supporting your city.
- On the flip side of #3, wearing a Mets jersey to a Yankees/Athletics game because you hate the Yankees and are showing your support to the A’s is asinine. Do you think that Kurt Suzuki has any idea that your Mets jersey means that for today, you love his team? All you’ve accomplished is looking like a jack ass. Actually come to think of it, you’re probably the kind of person who doesn’t even know who Kurt Suzuki is.
- I can wear whatever MLB team hat, t-shirt, foam finger, etc. to whatever game I want I’m “supporting the MLB.” No, you’re not! Don’t try to bull sh*t a pair of bull sh*tters. If that’s what you’re attempting to do, get yourself an “MLB” hat, t-shirt, foam finger, etc. If you’re wearing a Phillies jersey, you’re supporting the Phillies. End of story.
- I’m a Braves fan who hates the Mets and would love it if the Giants pulverized them! Good for you! Your Braves jersey still doesn’t exude, “Go Giants!” You can cheer like an a-hole on behalf of the Giants all you want without wearing your Chipper Jones jersey. You can even start a “Mets suck” chant. Leave the jersey at home.
- But, but, but, but…my Orioles hat is my favorite hat in the whole wide world! I wear my hat EVERYWHERE! We know, we know. Both of us have favorite hats too, but guess what? We still don’t wear them to games where our teams aren’t playing. If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t leave the house without wearing their hat, then for this game, just this once, don a generic baseball hat. We promise that it won’t kill you and you’ll still get to cover your messy hairdo. You can switch hats as soon as you get home.
- The Phillies/Yankees/Red Sox have been on top of their game for years now. In fact, they’re becoming so popular that they’ve created this cult following called, “Phillies/Yankees/Red Sox Nation.” We’re national now! We’re taking over the WORLD even! As members of “Phillies/Yankees/Red Sox Nation,” it is our job to spread our fan hood like a rash and THAT’S why I wear my Phillies hat to an Angels/A’s game (Red Sox or Yankees hat to a Mets/Giants game). See…it’s that kind of attitude that makes people hate you. You give your fellow fans a bad rap. You’re a d*ck.
- Dressing like a $2 hooker at a baseball game (or any sporting event for that matter) is not only ridiculous, but unsafe. Have you even sat through 9 innings of a baseball game before? Think rationally here. A short skirt means the backs of your thighs are sticking to disgusting, plastic chairs for several hours at a time. Same thing applies to a backless shirt. Does that sound comfortable to you? Alcohol is served at baseball games and even though the sale of it is cut off by the 7th inning, doesn’t mean the drunks are sober. Remember: even the nicest people can be jerks when intoxicated. A group of drunk and horny males could potentially be cause for concern to a young girl dressed like a tramp. Does that sound like a good time to you? Lastly, we don’t go to baseball games to see your side boob. We go so that we can enjoy the game. If we’re too busy being concerned that at any moment, your breast could fly out of your blouse, we are NOT enjoying the game. Save those getups for the club, sweetie. Examples of this type of clothing can be found on Alyssa Milano’s “Touch” clothing line.
- I’m a Red Sox fan and am completely heartbroken that Manny Ramirez now plays for the Dodgers. I think I’ll go to a Dodgers/Padres game and wear my Red Sox Manny jersey because I love, love, love him. We get what you’re trying to do here and we appreciate it. However if the Red Sox aren’t playing the Dodgers, don’t wear the jersey. If you love Manny THAT much, really show him some support and buy his Dodgers shirt.
- Crossing sports memorabilia IS acceptable. We might not understand why you chose to wear your Patriots or Celtics hat to a Royals/Tigers game, but it’s okay that you did. Your support of a football or basketball team has nothing to do with a baseball game.
- The Mandanna is offensive. It’s disturbing and overpriced. Do not wear one. It’s not funny. It’s not witty. It’s not cool. It’s not “really super pretty.” It’s stupid. This also applies to any weird “gimmick” that your team is trying to sell (with the exception of the Giants’ Panda and Timmy hats. Those are MAJOR and we support your decision to wear those). You might be expressing your team devotion correctly, but you look like a “RA-tard” as Alan from The Hangover would say.
Andy Pettitte Watch 2011 continues. It’s still unclear as to whether or not Pettitte will retire and leave Serena to rely AJ F’n Burnett. Yes, it’s a huge life changing decision that needs time to reach and we understand that. The last thing we want is for Pettitte to become the next Roger Clemens or Brett Farve and retire six times. However, Serena would like him to make his decision sooner rather than later so that if necessary, she can become resigned to a pitching staff without Pettitte before Opening Day. Thank you in advance, Mr. Pettitte for taking this under consideration. We hope to see you in March.
Free agent first baseman (and ADD Poster Child thanks to Keith Hernandez and his blabber mouth) Adam LaRoche signed a 2-year contract with the Nationals for $16 million and a mutual option for the third season. He brings with him a career fielding percentage of .995 and a 2010 season batting average of .261 with 25 homeruns and 100 RBI’s. He’ll be joining a lineup that includes heavy hitters Ryan Zimmerman and the recently added Jayson Werth. Clearly, the Nationals are looking to improve their NL East last place position that they’ve held these past years. This goal is entirely achievable considering how little the Mets have done to better themselves thus far.
The Rangers may have lost Cliff Lee to the Phillies, but they certainly scored a kick ass thirdbaseman from the Red Sox. Adrian Beltre signed a 6-year deal worth up to $96 million. The Rangers will have to surrender a first round draft pick to Boston for Beltre, but it’s well worth it. Beltre is a fantastic thirdbaseman who hit .321 last year for Boston with 28 homeruns, 102 RBI’s, and led the AL with 49 doubles. His offensive power could replace the role that Vlad Guerrerro held should the Rangers choose not to resign him. Beltre’s arrival will shift Michael Young to DH and infield utility position.
Opening Day this year is moving from Sunday (a time slot it’s held for the past few seasons) to Thursday. ESPN will televise a tripleheader on March 31st that will start with the Tigers playing at Yankees Stadium, followed by the Padres at St. Louis, and concluding with the World Series Champion Giants at Dodgers Stadium (which will take the place of an April 4th game that appeared on the original schedule).
As you know, the Hall of Fame announced this year’s inductees earlier this week. A few former Yankees players didn’t make the cut, including Tino Martinez, Kevin Brown, Al Leiter, Lee Smith, John Olerud, and Raul Mondesi. While John Olerud was a GREAT first baseman, he wasn’t with the Yankees long enough for us to really feel wistful about his loss. Kevin Brown was a complete waste to the Yankees and the last thing we remember about Raul Mondesi is that he walked out on a game early because he was benched. A team ditcher shouldn’t be celebrated in the Hall of Fame, we don’t care how “awesome” his numbers are. However, the most important player on this list to get snubbed is the fan favorite Don Mattingly. He received 79 votes, only appearing on 13.6% of the ballots cast (you need a minimum of 75%). *sigh* This breaks our hearts. When asked about the slight, Mattingly claims that he doesn’t deserve being in the Hall of Fame because he didn’t maintain his numbers over a long enough period of time. You keep being modest, Donnie Baseball, but we’ll continue to support and believe in you!
Roberto Alomar (Mets’ second baseman for 2 seasons) was elected to the Hall of Fame with 523 votes and 90% of the total vote, making him the third Mets second baseman to be inducted in the past 3 years. A Mets player failing to make the cut was John Franco, a former closer who has the fourth most saves in MLB history and the most by a left hander. He was only named on 4.6% of the ballots cast by veteran players and due to this lack of support, Franco has lost eligibility for future consideration. Bummmmmmmmmmer.
At the risk of sounding a bit biased, WE’RE this week’s super heroes because we don’t commit any fashion faux pas…at baseball games at least. People might argue that our day to day clothing is an abomination, but that’s NOT what we’re discussing here today! At each stadium we travel to, we root, root, root for the home team unless the Mets or Yankees are playing, so three cheers for us!
We serenade you with our rendition of Pink’s “Raise Your Glass: “So wear the correct shirt if you are wrong in all the TBB guideline ways. All those fashion faux pas fans, you will never be, never be anything but tacky and nitty gritty dirty little freaks. Won’t you come on and come on and wear the right shirt? Just come on and come on and do the right thing.”
Happy Birthday, Beanie! We wish you well!