Friday, January 14, 2011

Coming Soon: Baseball 2011

So then, little TBB ducklings, do you feel educated about baseball game fashion? After presenting you with what we feel is a sound case against fashion criminals, we asked if you agreed with our assessment. 5 of you totally support us and are super glad that us lovely ladies (your words, not ours) took the time to explain the situation to you. In fact, those faux pas fans are hairy a-holes. Sadly, 1 individual is confused. Sir or Madam, please email us so that we can explain it in more detail to you…if that’s even possible.

It’s an exciting time for baseball fans! Spring training is nearly upon us! Pitchers and catchers begin reporting on February 14th…gag us with a chocolate heart. Full squad workouts start on the 19th and by 23rd, all players will have reported for duty. The Yankees’ staff and roster in particular will report on the 15th and 20th, while the Mets report on the 17th and 21st.

Andy Pettitte Watch 2011 still continues. Wow…we suppose that things really are more slow-paced than New York down in Texas. Will you make a friggin’ decision already? We love you, but we can’t take it anymore! It’s like a bad horror film starring Neve Campbell.

The big news in the MLB this week is that Trevor Hoffman has officially announced his retirement at the age of 43. He leaves the game as the all-time saves leader with 601 over the course of 18 seasons (552 of these saves coming with the Padres). Since Mariano Rivera has the mind of a 22-year old who may never retire, this opens the door for him to surpass Hoffman’s feat. Okay, Trevor. You can be TBB Super Hero of the Week if you want to. You’ve talked us into it.

Josh Hamilton was hospitalized on Monday after being diagnosed with an early case of pneumonia. He was treated at a local hospital and fortunately, should be able to resume conditioning and baseball-related activities within the next several days.

RHP Kris Benson told that he’s “done” after playing 9 seasons. He felt that his history of elbow and shoulder injuries have prevented him from being at his best saying, “I’ve been putting way too much into it and not getting enough out of it, as far as rehab, working out, training, and then not getting the type of results I expect from myself.” Benson pitched for the Mets during the 2004-2005 seasons, at one time pitching 70 consecutive innings without surrendering a home run. In September 2004, Benson won the Mets Best Pitcher Award (which we’re pretty sure is a made up accomplishment) with an ERA 2.25. He left the Mets at the end of the 2005 season for Baltimore with a 4.32 ERA for the two seasons, including 242.1 innings pitched with 146 strikeouts and having given up 236 hits, 123 runs, and 32 home runs. Additionally, he was a beautiful man and will be missed.

Poetic justice seems to be prevailing here. Scott Boras’ biggest names are still unemployed: Andruw Jones, Manny Ramirez, and Johnny Damon. Of the three players named here, the only one who may be of some use in a DH role is Johnny Damon (and yes, it pains Serena to admit this). Since he’s a waste of sperm in the outfield, this basically only leaves the American League as an option for Damon and DH spots are few and far between these days. As for the other two, they’ve outlived their “use” several seasons ago. The Braves and Red Sox were right to ditch them when they did. Not that this should matter to these NTAC’s. They’ll still be able to retire rich.

Tune in next week for our in-depth analysis of the Wright Stache: Do naked lips really prevent championships? We go behind the scenes (since we’re clearly experts on facial hair as shown here).

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