Class Has Been Replaced with A$$

Before we get into the meat of today's blog, we're going to cover something that's been irking us for awhile now. Don't take this the wrong way, but this is coming...how do we say this nicely? This is a direct result of YOU and your online feedback/commentary. What we're going to say encompasses this blog forum, the comments section, any social media platform we are on, and any social media platforms that we may be on in the future.

1. Do not correct our spelling or grammar. Ever again. For starters, in this day and age, most of everyone's social media activity is performed via portable internet machines. Portable internet machines are without physical buttons and the keyboards that do exist are itty bitty and extremely sensitive (or in some cases, extremely insensitive and you find yourself hammering away at the letter "a" button to no avail and suddenly, you've posted, "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" to the Shark Week Facebook page and you feel like a giant a-hole). For example, you may have high-fived Amani Toomer and/or got on line to tour the New York Giants' locker room during a 5K at MetLife Stadium and were so excited about these two things that you wanted to post a Facebook status about it. Unfortunately, in your "smart" phone's infinite wisdom, it posted, "I just high-fived Armani Too met and we're about to tour the liquor room at Negligence Stadium!" (Yes. This actually happened.) This is also how you might've typed, "Michael Bolton has a mullet" and ended up with "Michael Bolton has a Bolton." Furthermore, in many cases, we are trying to respond to everyone in a timely manner. In our rush to reply during our busy work days, we often fail to review every little word, comma, ellipses, etc. before posting. As a result, sometimes there are errors. Are you trying to tell us that when you type something, everything is perfect? You've spelled everything perfectly? You've never made a mistake? Next time we see someone write,  "ur" on our Facebook page, Serena is going to go ballistic on you. It's "your" or "you're." How are you going to feel about yourself when she rips you a new a-hole on that subject on a public online forum? Probably like crap. So just shut up already. If you don't want us to ride your asses regarding the English language, don't ride ours. We don't get paid to do this.
2. When correcting someone's grammar or spelling, maybe you should know what you're talking about first. Don't make fun of the construction of a sentence when there's actually nothing wrong with it because you a) look like an idiot and b) you've pissed off Serena and she's sent a "WTF" email to Lisa at work. Now we're not getting any work done.
3. Don't assume Lisa or Serena wrote a specific status or "twat." You may have a really, really good idea as to who wrote it. The odds may be 99.9% in your favor. There's still that .1% chance that you're wrong and that's probably when you're going to post the wrong thing to our page. See a) and b) from #2 for what happens then.
4. Yankee Stadium. If one more a$$ clown says, "It's YANKEE Stadium, not Yankees," dick punching will ensue. Yes, it IS Yankee Stadium, just like it's Dodger Stadium. It's not our fault that the MLB is stupid. Does only one Yankee or one Dodger play at this stadium? Or multiple? Really, technically the stadiums should be referred to as Yankees' Stadium and Dodgers' Stadium, but we're not going to crazy here. Adding an apostrophe to a sign is probably difficult...or something, so we'll let that go.
5. Like every goddamn picture we post on Instagram. What the hell is the matter with you? Our self-esteem relies heavily on the number of "hearts" to our Instagram posts. When you don't like our shit, we drink. Which then leads to more misspellings and junk on social media.
6. Don't blindly post things to our Facebook wall. It's not that we don't enjoy interacting with you, it's just that when you post random crap, we don't understand what you're trying to communicate, so we ignore it. Just throw a little note/caption there to let us know what you're trying to convey for pete's sakes!
7. Stop asking about Alex Rodriguez. We've heard enough about it and we don't want to discuss it. It's like your father and your menstrual cycle. He knows it exists, but he doesn't want to talk about it. Mention the word "tampon" and he runs in the other direction. It's our blog and we'll talk about what we want whether its facial hair, Italian sausages, Polish sausages, being roofied, or on occasion, a baseball game.
8. Be more like our Twatter follower, Michael David. He appreciates us for who we are and doesn't want to change us or force us to talk about the giant elephant in the room that is Alex Rodriguez.  

The only way we will forgive your heinous behavior is if you prostitute our social media out to your friends. Why do we still only have 178 Facebook fans? If this continues, we're never going to make it to our goal of 200 fans before New Year's.

Ignoring the fact that the New York Giants are complete and total ass clowns, we will now proceed with a somewhat proper blog post. As we come to an end of the 2013 regular season, we say goodbye to two of the Yankees' "classics" - Mariano Rivera and Andy Pettitte. Last night, we watched Andy's final game (a complete one, mind you) at a friend's house. Serena cried and then suppressed her depression with a s'more. It was terrible and pathetic. However, in the midst of this fat sadness arose a moderately intelligent conversation regarding classiness and baseball.

Pettitte's and Rivera's retirement at the end of the season makes us sad for several reasons. First and foremost, we're officially old. You may not have known this by the way we behave, but we actually have 401k plans and one foot in the grave.

Secondly, how many players stay with 1-2 franchises for their entire career? How many players play the game with respect, professionalism, and class? The game as become saturated with scandals, shenanigans, high-priced salaries, ridiculous contracts, and rapper sports agents. Even the young players coming into the game now have a sense of entitlement. Bryce Harper, for example, displays a disgusting level of arrogance for one who is only in his second season in the league and hasn't grown pubic hair yet.

As the players of our youth slowly begin to retire, the game itself changes. It has become flashier and not in a good way. The media care more about who the players are dating than what's happening on the field. Players want to stay with teams for 10 year contracts not out of loyalty, but because of a guaranteed inflated salary. Players focus their offseason on filming as many commercials as possible and promoting endorsements rather than focus on enhancing their talents. Additionally, players don't seem to care about the impression they're leaving on their fan base. Modesty and gratitude are rare traits as opposed to being the norm. The game itself is no longer a priority. Money is.

Was Chipper Jones a d*ck? Yes. Anyone who names their kid after the stadium in which he hit most of his career home runs is a d*ck. However, no one can ever doubt that he was a "Brave." No one can ever say that he took the game for granted. You never saw Chipper Jones standing in the batter's box admiring his home run as it sailed over the wall before starting his home run trot. He hit the ball. He ran. Even as he aged and his body began to fail him, he continued to play third to the best of his ability. Off the field, you didn't hear about him getting involved in bullsh*t. He showed up to work, did his job, and went home. Even when he was on the DL, Chipper Jones was still a leader to his teammates. The same can be said for Ken Griffey Jr., who got the sh*tty end of the stick in terms of injuries. Fans, MLB-wide, felt something when Jr. retired - sad, wistful, whatever. Something deeper than surface level. Some may have even shed a tear. No one is going to mourn the retirement of Dustin Pedroia, Ryan Braun, Barry Zito, Alex Rodriguez, Carlos Beltran, Albert Pujols, Jose Reyes, or Miguel Cabrera except their local fan base. The fact is that they just don't deserve that kind of recognition or love. Zito, Rodriguez, Beltran, Pujols, Reyes, and Cabrera were all motivated by money. Pedroia and Braun do not have the class or leadership that Ken Griffey or Chipper once displayed. They haven't left impression on the sport. Braun is now flat out tainted. He once had the potential, but that's gone. Him doing steroids isn't half as bad as the lying and the bullsh*t that went with it. If he had just been a man about it and said, "you know what? I f*cked up and I'm sorry," he'd still have some semblance of respect.

It's an end of an era. It's the death of the game as we know it. The fact is no one is going to replace these legends that are retiring. They can only hope to half-fill the shoes that were left behind. Where once upon a time, Joe DiMaggio was replaced by Mickey Mantle, we now have douchebags stepping into the positions that were once held by legends. We're not saying that Bernie Williams is Mickey Mantle, but he was a classy guy that played with heart. He played the game right. Most importantly, he was a "Yankee." Look at the jack wagons that have come in his stead. Johnny Damon? REALLY? Are you out of your goddamn mind?? The first centerfielder that has been an acceptable replacement to Bernie's legacy is Curtis Granderson. That's a long time coming. As much we love Brett Gardner, his production is nowhere near the level of Bernie's. It's like replacing Darth Vader with Cap'n Crunch.

So we bid Mariano Rivera and Andy Pettitte a fond farewell and wait patiently to see what a-holes will replace them.

10 Reasons Why We'd Never Survive a Marathon Baseball Game

Let's get this out of the way up front. We're not covering the steroids bullsh*t. We're so over this. It's not like they've released new, shocking names like TOWSNBN or Brett Gardner. It's the same crap over and over and over again. It's like watching Old Yeller more than once. The dog still dies at the end! The ending doesn't change no matter how many times you watch it and wish it did!

Brief intermission: Serena's iTunes just shuffled Damn Yankees (oh, how fitting) "High Enough" and we felt compelled to burst into song with some awesome, enthusiastic 80's dance moves. 

Last night, the Mets lost to the Marlins 2-1 in a 20-inning marathon game. That's the length of more than 2 games. The Mets basically lost 2 games. Kevin Slowey and Shaun Marcum pitched 7-8 innings in relief, which is longer than most starting pitchers last on a normal day these days. The game lasted OVER 6 hours. Not as long as it took us to drive to and from DC last year for the Nats' game, but still pretty damn long. We probably would've needed a nap somewhere in there. Like the 11th inning. By the 13th or 14th inning, we would've been hurling insults at the players on the field. On both teams, let's be real. Marlin or Met, it would've made no difference. How hard it is it to score one damn run in TWENTY innings? It's sh*t like this that makes Lisa regret her decision last night. As much as we love baseball and close games, here's a list of reasons why sitting through a 20-inning game would be painful:
1. We get hungry often. To top it off, we eat a lot. 6 hours is a long time for us to go without food and food is extremely expensive at ballparks. We'd be broke by the end of the game. We'd probably spend our gas money on a hot dog.
2. If we spend our gas money on a hot dog, we'd be stranded at the ballpark.
3. We have undiagnosed ADD. We can't sit still for that long without breaks. We'd probably get it in our heads to go on a "really awesome" mission, which will most likely get us thrown out of the ballpark and onto the stadium's "LIST." You know what list we're talking about.
4. Unless you're sitting in the luxury boxes or the cushy expensive seats in field level, there isn't a single stadium that can boast seats comfortable enough for your ass survive 6 hours in.
5. They stop serving alcohol in the 7th! What a goddamn nightmare! 13 innings without unplanned additional booze?! It's like being stranded on a desert island without water!
6. Our smart phones are not equipped with the battery life to survive a 20-inning ordeal or Lisa's addiction to Candy Crush.
7. Swamp ass/breast sweat definitely would've gone into effect. It's June. Yesterday in particular was humid for New York. We probably would've made the mistake of wearing jeans and sneakers, so it would have been extra sticky and damp.
8. The extra hours spent at the ball park is time where we probably missed other cool shit happening. Like barbecues. Taco Bell. Pizza. Chipotle. Getting set up with an unemployed alcoholic with a passion for telling tall tales. Watching an Archer and/or The League marathon. Pretending to exercise. Googling 1980's music videos. Wearing Jesus Christ band-aids. Registering for more runs that we don't enjoy doing, but have really great gimmicks like medals. Runners love gimmicks.
9. There's absolutely no way your fantasy league starting pitcher is able to earn a complete game. Furthermore, if one of your starting pitchers who hadn't been scheduled to pitch, therefore you didn't start him, enters the game in relief, you've lost the opportunity to benefit from any points he might earn.
10. If your team loses, you leave the ballpark feeling like that's 6 hours of your life you'll never get back. Then you go home, drown your misery in Patron/Johnny/Jameson, and wake up without pants in some poor decision's bed, wondering why your life is such a fail.

Additional Baseball Notes:
Andy Pettitte notched his 250th career win yesterday over the Mariners, making him the 47th pitcher in MLB history to do so, all just one week shy of his 41st birthday. The Big Texan's son was also drafted by the Yankees in the 37th round of the draft this week, so there's a lot of joy in Pettitte-ville.

This isn't a very long, intense blog today for we are off to the Wanderlust Festival: Yoga in the City at Pier 63. Will post pictures. Either to Facebook, Twatter (@TravelingBBabes), or Instagram (also @TravelingBBabes). We're not sure. You'll need to follow us on all accounts just to be safe. Ohmmmmmm.

This is all you will get and you will like it!

The TBB are apart this week. Serena is with Erin in Beantown and I am here in New York. Both of us seem to be enjoying this sh*tastic weather that Mother Nature has given us. It is clear that Mother Nature has had a nervous breakdown on the job because there is no way by the end of May that I should have to wear a sweater and jeans as well as contemplate breaking out my boots. Mother Nature get your sh*t together! The good news is that the sun seems to be coming out so not all of the weekend will be a black cloud of sorrow.  The bad news is that I was the one deciding if you guys were going to get a solo blog. No one tried to butter me up or buy me nice thing so nothing for you. You will get some baseball notes that I deem worthy and a slight rant and that’s it!!

Here lies my slight rant:

Ok so I am well aware that the Mets are going no where this year. I knew that from before the season started. I mentally prepared myself for failure so that it would not be such a great let down. I don’t want to hear excuses for fans like “Well they have no one on the team”. That’s horsesh*t! The Yankees seem to be doing fine with their gang of misfit toys . The Mets have TOWSNBN and Matt Harvey with a giggle gang backing them up. Even The Bad News Bears eventually turned things around and made it to the championship game as well as go to Japan in the sequel. I don’t like to blame the manager for these things unless of course the manger is a real a**hole and I have no problems with Terry Collins but maybe the Mets need a alcoholic Walter Matthau to lead them into battle.  I do have a simple solution. Since this year is a toilet bowl flush why they don’t just send some players down and bring up some fresh meat is beyond me.  Let’s see what we got growing on the farm. I have two players in mind Ike Davis and Lucas Duda. It pains me to watch these two clowns.  How much harm can it do if we give some other players a chance? They can’t be any worse then what we are seeing. Are you going to give me the argument that no one is going to pay money to go to the game if a bunch of no names are on the field? Guess what people no one is going to the games now. Something needs to be done and fast. Papa L is extremely angry and I have a feeling the Mets performance might be affecting his health.  I haven’t seen him this irate since the Luis Castillo dropped ball and that took him a very long time to get over. I am like a woman scorned one too many times that she starts to become numb to the sense of feeling and that is how I am getting thru this season. I will tell you one thing I learned by watching the Mets is that the Mets are like snowflakes no Met loss is ever alike.

Baseball notes:

Good news for Serena’s Big Texan! He will be eligible to come off the disabled list on June 1^st. He was initially put on the DL for a strained left trapezius muscle. Pettitte will pitch a simulated game on Tuesday and then head back into the Yankees rotation. Yippee Yay for Serena! In other Yankee news Curtis Granderson a broken fifth metacarpal on his left hand after being hit by a pitch in the fifth inning Friday night against the Tampa Bay Rays. He was put on the 15 day disabled list Saturday and most likely will miss a month.

In Mets news they lost again.

To all the men and women who served  our country and to the ones who continue to serve us we thank you and wish you a Happy Memorial day !!!

Why Your "At Bat" Music Sucks Balls

Before we get into the crux of today's blog post, we have a little house keeping for you. We finally have airfare to St. Louis. Holy smokes, sports fans, it's true! We officially have travel arrangements for our stadium tour that's been planned for close to 6 months. Nothing like waiting til' the last minute. Huzzah!

Serena will be traveling up to Boston this weekend to visit Erin and they'll be checking out a game at Fenway (and mayyyyybe a stadium tour, if we can). You'll get a blog post on it, but not until next week. Lisa will decide whether or not you're worthy of a solo blog from her on Sunday, so if you want one, don't piss her off between now and then. Also, it would help if you buttered her up. Just sayin'.

So now for tonight's topic. Have you ever been to a game and noticed that your favorite players have terrible taste in music? Why doesn't someone quality control that shit? If we were in charge of DJ-ing duties at Yankees Stadium or Citi Field, some of that garbage would simply not fly. For example, Brett Gardiner and John Buck have god awful taste in music. It's truly terrible. In fact, at our last Mets game, Serena made a comment about stabbing a screwdriver through her eardrum rather than listen to it. Even TOWSNBN has made poor choices in this arena (and also in his personal life, but we're not going to go there right now). The man comes to the plate to The Luniz's "I Got 5 On It," which is basically about smoking weed. We're willing to ignore the fact that TOWSNBN has obviously embraced smoking weed, but we're not willing to ignore the fact that he's white. When you are as caucasian as TOWSNBN, you should stop pretending that you're a "gangsta" and admit that you listen to AC/DC, Kid Rock...or Dido. Therefore, to combat this never ending issue, we've decided to offer better alternatives to what these idiots think is quality "pump me up" music.

When choosing your "at bat" music, you want to choose a song that not only pumps you up, but us up as well. Because we're selfish. We want to cheer you on and spit foul things at the opposing team on your behalf. When you step up to the plate, listening to The Bieber, it makes us question your sexuality. It does not make us think, "KICK HIS ASS, C-BASS!" Please do not defend these poor decisions with "oh, but I have young girly fans" or "oh, but I have a 5 on my jersey." For starters, you're a child molester if that's your mentality and secondly, just stop. If every player came to the plate to music featuring his jersey number, we'd end up listening to a crap-ton of Sesame Street songs. Also, if you've been coming to the plate to same F*CKING song for the last 4 years, you need to change it up. We're now bored with you. We don't care if your song is super awesome. Stop being a boring lame ass. If you're from New York, you'll no longer be coming to the plate to Jay-Z and/or Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind." Enough already. We've had enough. Note: if we cannot understand the lyrics to your "at bat" song, we cannot get motivated to support you. We're not pointing fingers at anyone in particular, but we DO want to point out that we were super excited about disposing of Carlos Beltran and his music catalogue and now we have Ruben Tejada. Interpret that as you will.

Here are examples of acceptable songs to saunter up to the plate to:

• Anything by AC/DC is encouraged. Everyone (or at least 98% of the human population) knows their songs and they're bad ass.
• You can come out to rap music (not you, TOWSNBN, YOU need to stick to a different genre), but it's gotta be a good song! Puff Daddy's "Come with Me," in which he musically raped Led Zeppelin fans everywhere, is NOT acceptable. If you want to rock out to the instrumental hook of that song, just go with the original (aka: "Kashmir"). Why not Eminem's "Til' I Collapse," Tupac's "California Love," Kanye West's "Ni**as in Paris," Biggie's "Hypnotize," or Dr. Dre's "Next Episode?"
• Aerosmith - "Rag Doll" or "Love in an Elevator"
• Guns N Roses "Welcome to the Jungle." If this song doesn't get a person pumped, they're a corpse.
• Metallica's "Sad But True"
• Beastie Boys' "Brass Monkey," "Sabotage," or "So What'cha Want"
• Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"
• Incubus' "Nice to Know You"
• Disturbed's "Down with the Sickness"
• Ram Jam's "Black Betty"
• Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name"
• Trapt's "Headstrong"
• House of Pain's "Jump Around"
• Finally, if you can't make a decision, your best bet is to just go with a movie theme. Try the Top Gun anthem, Rocky Balboa anthem, the James Bonds theme (let's face it, he gets more ass than a proctologist, so you're safe with him), Batman, The Imperial March, or The A-Team. Just a few examples.

This week's baseball notes:
The Yankees have put Serena's Big Texan on the 15-day DL with a strained left trapezius muscle. For those of you unfamiliar with the inner-workings of your body, that muscle is located in your upper back area. While we suppose that you can strain or pull or tear or whatever ANY muscle in your body, how the hell do you strain the trap muscles? We've never heard of such a thing. We can't even imagine how you go about straining those particular muscles. The man was not practicing advanced yoga asanas on the mound when he sustained this injury, so what the hell? The Big Texan is the 13th player the Yankees have placed on the DL this year. This has prompted a slew of crap about how the Yankees so-called "magic" is going to hold up. Listen here, a-holes. The Yankees do not have "magic." If Harry Potter was currently on the active roster, trust us when we say that we'd already have those jerseys. How do you NOT buy that jersey? You know he's going to be unhittable and an epic offensive player (Yeah, that's right. On his off days, he'd patrol the outfield on his broom and hit massive home runs). He defeated Voldemort for crissakes! Clearly, he can defeat the Boston Red Sox.

Zack Greinke made his first return to MLB action since being activated from the DL on Wednesday night against the Nationals. He threw 5 1/3 innings of 1-run ball over 83 pitches. He even got himself an RBI single. Lookie loo.

There's apparently an internet campaign brewing to give Mariano Rivera the honor of starting his last All Star Game (which is weird), but he politely declined, saying his prefer to close. He's quoted as saying, "It would mess everything up. It would be the first time I've started, I think, since 1995. I don't think it would be right. I'd rather close the game than start the game."

Erin & The Favorite Take Yankee Stadium!

Special edition blog post today. Holy shit! Can you even handle the excitement?

May 5, 2013
Erin and The Favorite (aka: Matt) came to town this weekend from Boston and like any good hostess, I acquired tickets to both the Yankees and Mets games that were scheduled to take place during their time here in New York. Before getting into their first experience at the new Yankee Stadium, a little background is in order. I met Erin my sophomore year in college playing softball. Matt is Erin's boyfriend. Erin originally hails from the DC area and is an Orioles fan whereas Matt is from the Seattle area and his loyalties belong to the Mariners. Including now retired ballparks, prior to this date, Erin had traveled to 17 ballparks (including the old Yankee Stadium with yours truly back when Barry Zito was still the ace for the A's and Carl Pavano was still effective for the Yankees) whereas Matt had traveled to 9. Of those stadiums, Erin and Matt have joined the Traveling Baseball Babes on tour for 5 of them (Angels, Dodgers, Padres, White Sox, and Cubs). Now that you've got a better handling on our guests, I can proceed with the day at hand.

At the start, I failed them. We arrived at the stadium around 12:30 for a 1:00 start time. Because of this, I had (unbeknownst to them) eliminated the opportunity for Erin and Matt to check out Monument Park and the museum.

Before heading inside to feed, I snapped a photo of them outside:

At each stadium she visits, Erin buys a hot dog and Matt tries to find the park's "signature dish." In this case, Matt went for the Lobel's steak sandwich (at my eager recommendation). I got my typical sausage sandwich and to her hot dog, Erin added yellow mustard (very specific) and ketchup. Remember, prior to this stadium, Erin had experienced 17 different hot dogs, which sounds more perverted than it should. On a scale of 1-10, the Yankee Stadium hot dog earned an 8.5/9, Erin wishing that the dog itself was a bit thicker or beefier ("that's what she said").

Matt rocked his sandwich properly, adding gravy and horseradish. His assessment? "This sandwich is f*cking stupid" and "it's legit." His only negative feedback on it? Too expensive. Totally understood. This is Matt having a food "O" over his sandwich:

The pitching matchup we got was my Big Texan and Oakland's Dan Straily. Erin couldn't have asked for a better Yankee.

As you can see, our seats had a pretty stellar view of all of the on-field action. The downside was the fact that they were exposed to an approximate hot second of sunlight/warmth. Once the sun began to move across the sky, our section became enveloped in shade. Add the strong breeze and we were unseasonably chilled...more like frozen. And under-dressed. Poor Erin wore flip flops. Her toes were borderline purpled from the cold. The unexpected cold definitely took a toll on the crowd as the game progressed. We noticed that gradually, but consistently, the shaded sections of the stadium emptied and the sunnier areas of the stadium (basically the outfield and the roof deck bar) became more congested.

Unfortunately, luck was not on Pettitte's side that afternoon. In the top of the 3rd, Cano overthrew first on a double play ball, causing the run to score and giving the A's a 1-0 lead. In the top of the 4th, Pettitte served up a solo shot to Luke Montz, who had had the pleasure of being called up from the Triple-A on Wednesday, making the score 2-1. Awesome. Talk about something to call home to the folks about. "Hey, ma! Guess what?! I hit my first major league homer off of ANDY PETTITTE! I'm AMAZE-balls!" However, the 4th inning was not all lost. We did learn something very important in that inning: Lyle Overbay has fantastic taste in music, coming to the plate to Nirvana's Breed (whereas Brett Gardiner's taste in music makes me want to shove a screwdriver through my ear drums). Pettitte was removed in the 5th after giving up a 2-run shot to Yoenis Cespedes, making the score 4-1. :(

The Yankees would not go gently into that good night, however. In the bottom of the 6th, Ichiro Suzuki scored Vernon Wells and advanced Travis Hafner to third on a double hit off of Jerry Blevins. With Ichiro's wheels at second, Overbay's (who this time came to the plate to Led Zeppelin's Moby Dick...the man may slowly be becoming my hero) single easily scored Ichiro and Hafner, FINALLY tying up the game!

It was all very exciting until Boone Logan entered the game and gave up another solo home run to Josh Donaldson like a real a-hole. Here's the play by play of the bottom of the 9th as performed by the New York Yankees:

• Grant Balfour - Pitching.
• Chris Nelson & Brennan Boesch - pathetic display of athletic prowess at the plate - 2 outs.
• Gardiner - single! There's still life in the team yet! Best part? The scoreboard flashed Brett "The Hitman" Gardiner. It basically featured Gardy's head Photoshopped onto the WWF wrestler's body. It was amazing. It was reminiscent of my kick ass Photoshopping skills as demonstrated on Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day.
• Speedy Gardy Gonzalez takes second on a pass ball.
• Robinson Cano intentionally walked because Balfour and Derek Norris are a pair of vaginas.
• Balfour and Norris take 40 billion chit-chat breaks to talk about the weather, Miley Cyrus' hair, and the meaning of life.
• We shout curse words and other assorted atrocities down at them on the field for being pansy bitches.
• Wells strikes out swinging. The equivalent of forgetting to tie off a helium-filled balloon and accidentally releasing it. Well, done. Good, sir.

Before leaving the stadium, a lovely A's fan took our photo with the field behind us:

Since this is the Traveling Baseball Babes and we're SUPPOSED to be "assessing" the different MLB stadiums, I felt compelled to survey my guests. Much to my relief, both Erin and Matt gave the stadium a thumbs up. Erin referred to it as a "Hollywood-ized" or more polished version of the original, which makes me happy because to be quite frank, I hate change and would not have been able to emotionally or mentally handle a vastly different ballpark from what I was accustomed to growing up with (Matt, having never been to the original, could not offer a comparison). Erin enjoyed the respectful, friendly fan atmosphere (in our section in particular, we had the pleasure of witnessing Yankees fan/A's fan bro-mances) the most. Matt's favorite part of the day was the sandwich, which is completely understandable as it is pretty damn awesome. Erin agreed that the stadium's food did make it into her to top 10 percentile, but did mention that it wasn't the BEST she'd ever had.

Erin didn't have a "least favorite" part of the stadium per say, but Matt felt that the crowd seemed low key. He also wasn't sure if the subdued atmosphere was the result of the chill in the air (WE were awfully lethargic ourselves) or if the fans just blew chunks.

It was during this discussion that I mentioned the fact that we hadn't arrived at the game early enough to check out Monument Park or the museum (two somewhat vital pit stops for folks visiting for the first time). I asked the two to rate Yankee Stadium in comparison to the other stadiums they'd visited on a scale of 1-10. Matt explained a 1 as being "a piece of shit aka: Oakland" and a 10 as being "hand jobs for everyone." Discovering that they'd missed major pieces of what Yankee Stadium had to offer effected Erin's overall rating of it. She gave it a 6 or 7, but wasn't confident in the rating knowing that she missed stuff. I promised I'd take her to another game in order to make up for this mishap. Matt rated the Stadium at a 7, citing the lack of "electricity" in the crowd being the reason for not giving it a higher score.

Later this week, Lisa and I will post Erin and The Favorite's Citi Field experience together as per our usual posting schedule. Try not to get too excited. I'd hate for you to have to change your shorts as a result of your over-eagerness.

-Serena

The Return of Facial Hair Around the League

In celebration of Cinco de Mayo and moustaches, we've decided to give you the third installment of Facial Hair Around the League. It was extremely difficult to determine this year's Hair of Fame inductees and way too easy to find the giant failures, which means that the men of the MLB are slipping. The league is becoming a pack of furry dirt bags. Before we get into the do's and the do not's, we thought it might be helpful if we gave you a brief overview about what WE find attractive in a man's facial hair. Here is Lisa's taste spectrum:

Unfortunately for Lisa, Guidos do not play baseball. They play soccer. Therefore, we will not be discussing this aspect of man candy today. After we're done touring the baseball stadiums, we'll move on to soccer and then we'll have plenty of Guido to talk about.

Here is Serena's:

As you can see, Lisa is more into the clean-cut look and Serena is more into the scruffy 5:00 shadow look. And then there's this:

This biggest shame of it all is that he won't have sex before his married. What. A. F*cking. Waste.

Now that you have some understanding as to where our rankings come from, let's begin with the league's worst hair offenses. For starters, we could've put almost the entire Nationals roster (with the exception of Danny Espinosa, Ryan Zimmerman, and Adam LaRoche) into this category, but we didn't have enough room or time to cover that many people. So we picked the worst of the bunch. Naturally, heading up this circus of hair clowns is the King of Hair Fails: Jayson Werth.

The only improvement from last year is that we think he's been conditioning his locks. OF COURSE the young bucks of the Nationals would be led astray if they had to look at this for their entire immature MLB careers. He looks like a deranged Santa Claus. We just don't get it. Beneath this shag carpet is an attractive pleasant face. Why is he hiding it? His beard is probably why the Nationals did so poorly in the playoffs last year. It reminds us of the "furry wall" scene from Get Him to the Greek. When the day comes that Jayson wants to go clean shaven, they're going to need hedge clippers to hack off the initial foot of growth and 80% of the world's endangered species list will suddenly emerge from hiding.

 

Next up on the Nationals' roster is what's being called "The Skullet." Bryce Harper:

That's a clown haircut, bro. It's bad enough that at the age of 20, he's a raging douchebag with an ESPN documentary. He has to sport this look? So not only is he a douchebag, but he looks like one too. He can't even use the excuse that the haircut/beard is a result of a bad night drinking. Why? Cos' the little f*ckwad toddler isn't even old enough to drink alcohol! In studying this photo further, it's become clear that he gets his eyebrows waxed/threaded and shaped by a professional. How does this man give penetration to anything except prostitutes? There's literally nothing here of value. You'd HAVE to pay us to bang you if this is what you looked like. At least Jayson Werth has a World Series ring and once a year, he brings toys to children all over the world.

 

Stephen Strasburg:

Now, he seems like a nice boy so we feel bad picking on him, but this simply cannot stand. When you have the misfortune of being a ginger, you need to be extra careful when it comes to grooming. You're already pretty terrifying. There's no need to add to the terror with a f*cked up beard. Or Billy Goat thing. Or mock representation of a goatee. We don't know what he's doing. All we know is that it's terrible and it's not helping the unattractiveness of his face.

 

Speaking of terrible gingers, what the sh*t is Justin Turner doing with this look?

Holy hell. He looks like a carrot cake nightmare. We HATE having to put one of our own into this portion of the blog, but when you do the crime, you are doing the time, buddy. And you're subjected to ridicule on this blog by us. His hair color catapults him to the top of this list, even beyond the horror that is Jayon Werth. What choice would you have if this man asked you on a date, BUT to scream and run away? Similar to what your reaction should be if you're in your underwear and your house catches fire. Fire...like this man's crotch. Imagine what THAT looks like if his face looks like this? *SHUDDER*

 

It pains us to talk about this last player because he means so much to us: Tim Lincecum.

We know that TECHNICALLY he's done nothing wrong with his face, but his haircut cannot go unpunished. It's awful. Under no circumstances should a member of the male gender rock a do that makes him look like KD Lang. Where were his friends on this one? No one tried to talk him out of this on his way to the barber? Or rather hair stylist because we're pretty sure you can't get this haircut at a barber shop? If Turner's crotch is the forest fire from Hades, then based on his haircut, Timmy probably has a Brazilian. As we sit here typing this, Serena is speechless. Which is as rare as a Lochness Monster sighting.

 

Now that we've raped your sight with those atrocities, allow us to make everything better by presenting our Hair of Fame inductees for 2013. Not every proper facial hair style is acceptable for every dude. Like a snowflake, no two beards are alike. For every well-kept full beard is another guy who looks like a hobo when attempting the same style. We aim to cover all aspects of proper hair styles so that you (and the remainder of the MLB) can find one suitable to your (and their) face.

 

Let's start with the basic: no hair whatsoever as best demonstrated by Matt Cain:

Dear sweet Matthew is as bare as a baby's booty. He might not be old enough to grow hair yet, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that he's found a superb look and embraced it like a champ. If you're ever uncertain as to which look you should go for, go for this one. You can't possible f*ck it up. If you do, you're a special kind of stupid that has bigger problems than shaving.

 

The next step up from totally clean-shaven is a "kept" 5:00 shadow like the kind sported by Serena's Big Texan:

"Kept" meaning pre-meditated. Meaning you wake up in the morning and set your buzzer to the level that keeps your 5:00 shadow just the way it is. You don't let it get past this point nor do you completely shave it off. You keep it just so. Andy Pettitte demonstrates this look with perfection. Don't you just want to nuzzle up in his nook now?

 

Some of you may want to take this step a bit further without committing to full beard or full goatee. You're a man! You WANT to be hairy! It's in the XY chromosome to be hairy so why not embrace it? Kurt Nieuwenhuis rocks what we've been calling "The Scruffy Beard." Not quite full beard, but more than the 5:00 shadow. Look how lovely it is:

For men who want to sport this do, you'll still need to use a buzzer as opposed to a razor since you'll want to keep the scruff mowed and under control without lopping it off. Depending on the hairiness of the dude and the coarseness of his hair, a 5:00 shadow man might need to buzz every morning, but not a Scruffy Beard man (unless you're our friend, Tom, who apparently clean shaves in the morning and sprouts a 5:00 shadow by...well...5:00). A Scruffy Beard man might be able to go 1-2 mornings without turning on his buzzer. Again, the science on how long you can go between buzzes really depends on the individual. We encourage you to experiment with your buzzer to find out what works for you and your hair.

 

Finally, some of you still may not feel that this is enough hair to proudly declare your manliness. Some of you might want, dare we say it? The full beard. We do want to preface this by saying that neither of us find this look particularly attractive, but if you're gonna go for it, please remember to keep it groomed and free of food and other assorted particles. The King Daddy of the full beard is Brian McCann. His beard is always flawless. We've got TWO examples of stellar beards in the league this season and that is RA Dickey and Pedro Alvarez:

Notice how the beards are not scraggly and out of control. Notice how neither men has bits of their morning meal hanging out within the layers of their fur. Remember these men when considering your beard cultivation.

 

This week's baseball notes includes nothing of value, but yesterday WAS International Star Wars Day and for that, we have this:

You People Don't Even Know Us

You may recall that during the offseason, we gave you a quiz to see how well you knew us. The answers to all of the questions were available for you to look up on the world wide web. They could've been found on the blog, our Facebook page, OR our Twatter feed. This is not complicated shit, people. Yet, overall, you scored an underwhelming 40% on this quiz. How do you fail open book test? It takes a special kind of stupid to accomplish that. You did NOT graduate from TBB University. You will NOT be the next Pussycat Doll. Let's talk about this quiz and where you all went wrong. Unfortunately, the database that created this quiz does not tell us which questions you struggled with, only your final scores, therefore we'll break down each question.

First question:
What was our first out-of-town baseball stadium?
Your options were Safeco Field, PNC Park, Oriole Park, Citizen's Bank Park, or RFK Stadium. The correct answer is RFK Stadium. Do you know how simple it is to find the answer to this question? Literally scroll to the top of the blog, click "MLB Stadiums," search through the blog posts of our visited stadiums, and find which post has the oldest date. That's it. This was a no fail situation.

Next question:
Which TBB has blonde hair?
The correct answer is Serena. Yes, folks, she currently has dark brown hair and lately, she's been sticking to that color, but deep down, Serena is a natural blonde. Lisa may DYE her hair blonde, but under no circumstances is she a natural blonde. You HAD to have known that, right? LOOK at us. Which of us seems more likely to a natural blonde? Do you really look at Lisa and think she might actually have blonde hair without dye assistance? Shame. On. You.

#3:
Which TBB favored Coors Field above all other stadiums? Serena, Lisa, neither, or both?
Again, this was a no fail situation. All you had to do was scroll to the top of this blog and select, "Rank Em'!" We each rank and talk about all of the stadiums we've visited (with the exception of last year's visits...mostly because we're lazy and forgot). The correct answer is Lisa.

#4:
Who is Lisa's Forbidden Love? Joey Votto, David Wright, Cole Hammels, or Derek Jeter?
Ok. We'll admit that it's totally understandable where you could've gotten confused on this one. The answer is Cole Hammels as Lisa is a Mets fan and Hammels pitches for the hated Phillies. It's like a one-sided version of Romeo & Juliet. Like Juliet stalked the crap out of Romeo and Romeo ran away in terror. Where could you find the answer to this question? Scroll to the top of this blog and click, "TBB Cronies & Lingo." Voila.

#5:
Which TBB hates mayo? Lisa, Serena, or we both hate mayo?
The correct answer is Serena. This is something we have discussed at length regularly...on our blog, Facebook page, AND Twatter feed. When Serena's food is accidentally served to her with mayo on it, she has to cover it with a napkin because the sight of mayo disgusts her so much.

#6:
What was our first out-of-town free giveaway? Chicago Cubs license plate frame, Jack Cust bobblehead, Angels baseball hat, Mount Rushmore poster, or Teddy Roosevelt bobblehead?
Correct answer: Teddy Roosevelt bobblehead. Remember how you found the answer to our first out-of-town baseball stadium? You would've found the answer to this question the same way. Oh, and side note: we never got a free Angels hat. Lisa was given that heinous hat by The Favorite. Reading is fundamental.

#7:
Who is Winkie? The cat we adopted together from the North Shore Animal League, one of AJ's cats who tried to suck the breath from Lisa, Serena's family pet, or the imaginary cat we adopted with AJ Burnett?
For starters, without referencing the precise locations of the answer on this blog, if you knew Serena at all, you'd know that she'd never have a cat as a family pet. Secondly, we've clearly referenced AJ's cats sporadically on this blog and on Facebook as Thundercat and She-Ra. Thirdly, we have imaginary relationships with a TON of professional athletes and celebrities. It's like one giant imaginary orgy. OBVIOUSLY, we'd have an adopted imaginary pet with one of them. The precise locations of this answer can be found in both letters to AJ Burnett, "TBB Lingo & Cronies," and there's a photo of him on Facebook in one of our albums. Probably "Wall Photos."

#8:
Which New York baseball team boasts the best sausage sandwich? The Mets or Yankees?
Correct answer: Yankees! Where did you learn this tid bit of information? Back in the day when the former Yankees Stadium and Shea Stadium were still our home team venues (and back when this blog was still a virgin), we talked about how Shea Stadium had the better hot dogs and Yankees Stadium had the better sausage sandwiches. Which probably explains why Lisa finds more guidos at Yankees games than at Mets games.

#9:
Who is Serena going to leave Justin Morneau for? Barry Zito, Chris Cornell, Aaron Rogers, or Justin Verlander?
While the answer to this question is not stated outright anywhere on the blog, it can be determined through basic deductive reasoning by visiting "TBB Lingo & Cronies." There, you will see that Barry Zito is Serena's Future Ex-Husband #1 and Chris Cornell is Serena's Future Ex-Husband #2. Therefore they can't POSSIBLY be the correct answer to this question (you know why, right? Do we have to explain to you that the reason is that both of these men came BEFORE Justin?). Of the remaining choices, who is the man that we talk about incessantly on this [baseball] blog? Justin Verlander.

#10:
Which player did Lisa forget to hand a pen to when asking for an autograph? Brad Ziegler, Huston Street, Barry Zito, or Matt Cain?
Barry Zito. Where did you learn this? In our letter to Barry Zito regarding his offensive moustache. Side note: we do not have autographs from Huston Street OR Matt Cain.

#11:
Which TBB is obsessed with mini-doughnuts? Lisa or Serena?
Lisa. This obsession stems from our trip to San Francisco's Pier 39 and has been referenced in the PETCO Park and Target Field blog posts, as well as on the "While You're in Town" page.

#12:
Who is the player we refer to as the "Big Texan?" Roger Clemens, Roy Oswalt, Josh Hamilton, Andy Pettitte?
Seriously, if any of you got this question wrong, you deserve a dick punch. It's a borderline weekly Facebook post. We're not even going to give you the right answer because if you don't know it, shame on you and your house!

#13:
Which TBB can quote the entire script of Willow? Lisa or Serena?
Which TBB has the mentality of a 5 year old boy? That's basically all you needed to ask yourself to figure out the answer to that question, but if you needed a little help, all you had to do is go to the "Meet Serena" page and see that one of her favorite things is the movie Willow.

#14:
At what stadium did we witness major side boob? "Old" Yankees Stadium, Citi Field, Citizen's Bank Park, or Dodger Stadium?
Yankees Stadium. You could've figured this out by reading any of these stadiums' blog posts.

#15:
Where did Lisa get roofied? And then turn around and accidentally roofie Serena? New York, Philly, Minneapolis, Oakland, or Milwaukee?
Minneapolis and you could've found this information had you read about our recommendations for good time in Minneapolis on our "While You're in Town Page."

In conclusion, you suck. And you're still not getting a poll.

Erin and The Favorite are coming to town this weekend. Serena will be going to Sunday's Yankees game with them (she'll cover the out of towners' first Yankees Stadium experience for the blog separately) and then on Tuesday, we'll be escorting the duo to Citi Field (also to be covered on the blog).

This week's baseball notes:
RA Dickey's been struggling with his new team, sporting an over 4 ERA (closer to 5, to be quite frank) and a 2-3 record. He attributes the issues to ongoing shoulder and back problems, which has caused him to throw his knuckleball slower. He is expected to get an MRI on the problem areas in the near future.

Also set to get an MRI is Kevin Youkilis, who continues to suffer from a stiff back. We're confident that MRI results will show an enormous stripper pole jammed up his rectum. Remind us again why the Yankees signed him? They could've signed Eric Chavez to hold down the fort at third until AROD's return for half off and they would've had a bad ass third baseman in the process. Now they have a tool box that looks like a cracker jack at third when he does play and rides the bench with a stiff back the rest of the time. What. Purpose. Does. He. Serve? Except to annoy the ever the loving crap out of Serena.

Madness? THIS. IS. SPARTA!

We hope you enjoyed our solo accounts of Opening Day. Hopefully, next year, we can actually attend each other's Opening Days like we'd originally planned. But now that we've written that, we probably just jinxed ourselves. Yesterday, we ran in the Spartan Sprint at Citi Field and we promise we'll tell you all about it and post pictures, but first we feel compelled to inform you that we're writing this blog while drinking beer. This may get sloppy near the end.

Before we get into the nitty gritty of the race, it's time for us to discuss Best Team Name in Spartan Race History (mind you, we've only been to one race, but we're pretty confident in our decisions). In first place is none other but, us, "The Fear Boners (raging in your pants)." In second place, we have "Morning Wood (we go hard)." Their logo was a sun holding a piece of wood. To Team Gerard Butlers, we give third place. Yes, Butlers pluralized. There was more than one Gerard Butler. Serena also appreciated Team Stark (Game of Thrones reference), but unfortunately, they weren't enough to get into the Top 3. If the logo had been of Sean Bean's face instead of the direwolf sigil, THEN we would've had a competition going. This reminds us, why isn't there a meme for, "one does not simply show up to a Spartan Race without training?" Because that's us. Lisa did zumba and following the Yoga Journal Conference, Serena sat around catching up on her shows via the internet machine.

Ok, now for the Spartan Sprint a la Pop Up Video-style:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hope you enjoyed our innovative form of lazy blogging. We will be wearing our medals all day tomorrow.

Now for this week's baseball notes:
By now, we've all seen the clip of Carlos Quentin trying to level Zack Greinke for hitting him with a pitch on the shoulder. As a result of the brawl, Greinke will be out for at least 8 weeks with a broken collarbone, which is a glorious waste of money. Quentin will be serving an 8-game suspension due to his actions in the fight. For starters, Greinke is half of Quentin's size and secondly, Quentin got hit on the lousy shoulder. Was Quentin on his period or something? Who charges the mound for something so stupid? Unless Greinke beaned him on the shoulder and followed it up with, "Your mother was easy all night long," Quentin looks like a real a-hole in this scenario.

Andy Pettitte's start has been pushed back again due to back spasms, which begs the obvious question. How much sex do the Pettittes have that this man has had to skip two starts? More importantly, how does Serena get in on the action (minus the Mrs.)?

Clay Buchholz took a no-no into the 8th today against the Rays in the Sox's 5-0 victory. Kelly Johnson's broken-bat single leading off the inning didn't really do much in terms of preventing the Rays from getting their butt kicks, but it, at the very least, prevented another douchebag from having a no-hitter.

Dear TOWSNBN

Last week, we asked if you would find us annoying if you ended up stuck in seats next to us at a sporting event. Surprisingly, 8 of you said, "No, you're hilarious." WE know we're hilarious, but we were starting to doubt your sense of humor. Since no one voted for the negative options, there's no need for us to cover them. It's become quite obvious that you're falling in love with us and that you're becoming stalkers. Are we going to need to take a break? We don't like feeling suffocated.

Onto today's topic, which you HAD to have known was coming sooner or later. On Friday, The New York Times reported that the Mets and TOWSNBN finally agreed to a monster deal that guarantees the thirdbase will be playing in Flushing through 2020. The 8-year deal is worth $138 million, pending the results of a physical. Now that this has been settled, it's time for us (or rather, Lisa) to revisit our past volatile relationship with TOWSNBN (volatile in the sense that he either runs away or ignores us and we get extremely volatile). We will make one last effort to make ammends with the man that refuses to penetrate Lisa.

Dear TOWSNBN,
It's been awhile since we last talked...we're not counting the hate blogs that we've posted about you because you've refused to acknowledge their existence. With your fresh, new contract, we felt that it was time for our relationship to have a fresh, new start as well. Especially since we're now stuck with you for 8 long years. Let's forget about the arguments and problems we've had. In order to forgive and forget, we'll have to rehash them briefly here so that we can bury them once and for all.

• You blew us off at FAO Schwartz. We don't know why. Everyone loves toy stores.
• You never confirmed our rescheduled January date with us because you decided to be an a-hole.
• You ignored us in Philly even after Lisa tried to flash her boobs at you, which made Serena question your sexuality. And as Philly fans pelted us with hatred for supporting you and your Mets, you looked on without any sort of concern. What kind of boyfriend does that make you?
• Lisa has repeatedly requested a photo opportunity with you and not only have you blatantly ignored these requests, but you've also mocked her by taking pictures with every stupid kid that comes your way. So selfish.
• On Lisa's birthday, you purposefully told the waiter at McFadden's to screw up our order so that we'd miss Mets batting practice and a chance at her being on the field with you. Not only was that a rude, heartless prank to play on the birthday girl, but it delayed Serena's feeding time, which royally pissed her off. You're lucky that Serena HADN'T been on the field with you by that point because she would've given you a d*ck punch. Again, so selfish.
• You've continued to blackball us from other MLB players. We know that it's statisically impossible for ALL of them to be scared of us. You HAVE to be whispering venomous thoughts in their ears. If you don't want Lisa, you should let her meet someone else. Don't be such a tool box. You've singlehandedly prevented her from banging Joey Votto, Cole Haan, Mike Jacobs, Huston Street and Jeff Francoeur. Despite the fact that Serena doesn't want your a$$, you've decided to punish her as well! You're the one who told Barry Zito to grow that stupid moustache, weren't you?! And that comb-over has your manipulative ways written all over it! Next, you'll be poisoning Justin Verlander and Aaron Rogers against her. You have no soul.

Anyway, that's all behind us now. Out with the old and in with the new as they say. Let's move forward, shall we? Your birthday is coming up, isn't it? It's the big 3-0. You're finally playing on our turf now. We should celebrate together to really cement our fresh start. We'll be like the Febreeze brothers, we're so fresh. We're heading up to Foxwoods on the 20th. You should join us for some classy dress, drunken antics, cigars, really awesome shower stalls, and Blackjack. Just think of how much fun you'll have sitting at a table with us. We're even willing to join you in the high roller room as long as you let us gamble with your money.

Afterwards, we can boogie down at one of the casino's many clubs. Of course, since we'll be rolling with you, we'll be riding VIP style. Jameson and Patron shots all around! On your dime, naturally. We suspect that Serena will probably have to show you how to drink because she's a professional and you strike us as being sort of a...what's the word we're looking for? Lightweight b*tch. Don't worry. We all start off as amateurs. When you train with a professional like Serena, you can become the best. Lisa will teach you how to guido fist pump since you are very caucasian and probably do not know how to do much more than one, two step. When she's done with you, you'll be able to "get low, get low, to the window, to the wall, to the sweat drips down my balls, to all the b*tches crawl." Your parents are going to be so proud of you.

Prepare to be our best friends. You're never going to want to leave us. Soon, you'll be planning this as an annual trip that we take together. You'll want us to go on the road with you, which we won't because we need space and if you start acting too needy, we'll need to break up. Then it'll be awkward for us to go to Mets games.

Please email us at travelingbaseballbabes@gmail.com to finalize our Foxwoods details as quickly as possible. We need to discuss who is driving and who is bringing what alcoholic beverage. Plus, we need to discuss outfits because for photos, we need to wear different colors. We can't stress enough how weird it is when everyone in the photo is wearing bright teal.

If we do not hear from you, prepare for the worst 8 years of your life. You will beg to be traded to the Toronto Blue Jays, an entirely different country, just to get away from the pain that we will cause you. Just think of the constant stress of never knowing where we'll be, ready to pounce and give you the worst wedgie you've ever experienced. Can you handle that for 8 years? We think not. Do the (w)right thing (ehhhh? Ehhhhh? Get it?). Be our friend/Lisa's boyfriend or husband or penetration partner.

Gracefully Yours,
The Greatest Women You'll Ever Know
(The Traveling Baseball Babes)

This week's baseball notes are all about New York. The Yankees have signed a pair of old timers for one year each. The Big Texan (Andy Pettitte) agreed to a deal worth $12 million and Mariano Rivera's deal is worth $10 million. Rivera is returning to the scene after missing most of 2012 with a knee injury.

A few random blog sources that we've found have mentioned the possibility of TOWSNBN wearing a "C" on his jersey and we hope that's not true because Serena has already threatened to give him a d*ck punch for being an idiot if he does that and that will put a damper on Lisa's hopes of raising a family with him. It's okay to be a captain for your team. It's NOT okay for you to embroider a "C" on your jersey unless you play hockey. You look an a-hole and when you look like an a-hole, it reflects poorly on the half of the TBB that loves you.

PS- We are NOT posting birthdays to our blog, so stop making these ludicrous requests. We will celebrate the birthdays of select Yankees and Mets players that make us happy and certain non-New York players that we either want to bang or befriend. If a player does not fall into any of those categories, they are sh*t out luck.

Theme Party Etiquette

As you can see by the post title, we're going to veer off the path of baseball a little today, which we realize is a touch shameful considering how close we are to the postseason, but this is a topic that is near and dear to our hearts and we felt it vital that we discuss it in detail. If this is something that you simply cannot stomach, feel free to scroll to the bottom where we've listed our legit baseball notes. Or feel free to come back next week when we have an entire post dedicated to the sport that we claim to cover. First, our poll results. We asked if you think that Mike Tomlin looks like Omar Epps (he totally does). 2 of you are wrong and think that he looks nothing like Omar Epps and that we're smoking crack. Well...you're stupid. You're probably one of those people that show up to a theme party not dressed in costume.7 of you highly intelligent beings agreed with our assessment because it's clearly true.

Now onto today's discussion: Theme Party Etiquette. By now, it should be quite obvious that the TBB are obsessed with theme parties. We're basically professional theme party organizers. We're at the stage where we should just have our own business organizing theme parties for people who are inept. There is etiquette when it comes to both hosting AND attending theme parties. Since we are so close to the Halloween season, we thought that we should cover both of these topics today. Plus, we've been victims both of hosting theme parties that have gone awry and attending theme parties that have been less than stellar. These are just some of the things that we've noticed over the years and hope that posting it here will help to recitfy future theme parties across the globe.

Rules for Hosting a Theme Party:

• Exhibit common courtesy. Don't be an a-hole. As host, it is inappropriate to alienate your guests. You may find yourself surrounded by many unattractive individuals. Despite this misfortune, you should not take it upon yourself to make these people feel unwelcome. It's rude. As a host, you must display politeness to ALL of your guests, regardless of your feelings about them. It's one of the major cons of being host. For example, if someone comes up to you to start a friendly conversation, it is totally unacceptable to turn your back and walk away.
• Decorate your home appropriately. It's a theme party. How do you expect the party-goers to embrace your theme if the venue isn't decorated? If you're having a luau, don't just slap some cut outs of hibiscus flowers on the wall that you purchased from Party City and call it a day. Tiki torches (if outdoors), hula skirts, coconuts, leis, palm trees, tropical fish, beaches, etc. You get the point. Turn your abode into Hawaii. More importantly, it's vital that you, as host, actually KNOW and UNDERSTAND your publicized theme. For example, if you are hosting a Mexican Appreciation Fiesta, do not decorate your house with the flag of Spain. Yes, both countries speak Spanish, but we assure you, they are not the same country. Check a map. The last thing you want to do is confuse your guests. Exhibit 1: Border Patrol decorations for a Mexican Fiesta:

• Dress for the occasion. How can you expect your guests to show up to your Halloween party in costume if you can't do the same? And no, wearing an Eli Manning jersey and a pair of jeans does not count as being dressed as Eli Manning. This would only be an acceptable costume if you not only wore an Eli Manning jersey, but football pads, white pants, socks, cleats, and adopted Eli's glazed over donkey facial expression. Bonus points for walking around in a "Toyota."When dressed as Tim Tebow, adopt scripture printed on your eye black.
• Not only should you dress for the occasion, but like your decorations, your costume should match the theme (see bullet point #2). For example, do not tell people that you are throwing a Star Wars party and dress up as Captain Kirk. Do you see how that might be confusing to people? Yes, both movies take place in outer space, however they are not the same movie. We have never seen a movie where Captain Kirk boarded the Millennium Falcon and if you have seen such a flick, it was probably a low-budget porn filmed in Japan and it does not count. If you want to have a party in which you get to wear a Captain Kirk costume and your roommate gets to dress as Chewbacca, then consider throwing a "Space Party" as opposed to "Star Wars."
• It would be nice if you offered themed activities for your attendees. Why not offer bobbing for apples at your Halloween party? Exhibit 2: Kissing the Blarney Stone at an Irish-themed party:



• Whether you like it or not, some of your guests will become too intoxicated to drive home and will have shown up without some sort of backup plan. As host, it is your responsibility to make sure these individuals do not get behind the wheel of a car, whether that means calling them a taxi cab or allowing them to crash on the sofa until they sober up.
• Be prepared for potential theft. Lock up your valuables. The odds are that you won't know or trust all of your guests. Also, your $30 inflatable cactus may walk out the door with a creepy drunk dude. You won't like it, but it might happen. Just sayin'. Be prepared. Know before you go. Knowing is half the battle.
• If you notice one or more of your guests have abruptly disappeared, perform the necessary follow up. One or more of the following could have taken place: abduction, rape, murder, roofies, suicide, accidentally locked themselves in the bathroom, or overall unhappiness. All of these should be of some concern to you. Following up will allow you to investigate the safety of your guests as well as provide you with an opportunity to receive some feedback. How was the party? Decorations? Fellow guests? What did you like? What didn't you like? What can I do better? Feedback will help your next theme party to be even more epic than your first.

Rules for Attending a Theme Party:

• Always, always dress up. When you attend a so-called theme party in regular clothes, you become the party's token douchebag. Don't be the party's token douchebag. Let someone else claim that title. You can join the rest of the crowd in making fun of that person for being a lame asshat. It does not matter if you think that the theme of the party is lame. It's not your party. You're a guest. Your job is not to throw the party, it's to attend and fully embrace the theme that's been imposed on you. If you don't like it, don't go. Exhibit 3: Dressing for a Rock of Ages party:

• So you've decided to dress up. That's good. Now do it right. Don't half-ass it. If someone is hosting a cross-dressing party, don't, as a female, show up just wearing leggings, a Mark Sanchez jersey, and eye-black and call yourself a dude. No, you're not a dude. You're just a female Jets fan with bad taste, which has absolutely nothing to do with the theme! If you go with football, seriously dress as a football player! Side note: if you ever find yourself in a situation where you feel like a giant loser because you've shown up to a "theme party" overdressed, steathily make your exit and head to the closest diner for beers and fatty foods. Feel free to discuss your negative experience and boast about how great your costume is/how awesome YOUR theme parties are.
• Always show up to the party with something to contribute whether it's a bag of ice, chips and salsa, beer, or liquor. Showing up empty handed makes you look like a cheap, selfish leech. Also, if you bring a bottle of vodka and it hasn't been emptied by your fellow partiers, don't take the bottle back when you leave. It's just tacky. If you're that married to your vodka that you can't stand the thought of leaving it behind, either don't bring it with you and bring something else OR bring a case of beer for the rest of the party and carry your expensive vodka in a flask for yourself.
• Mingle. Talk to people you may not know. Be friendly to those that approach you with conversation. Allow strangers to join beer pong/flip cup with you. Let Rudolph join in all the reindeer games. Unless of course you find yourself in a situation where you're completely surrounded by unfunny, judgemental, narrowminded, and stuckup a-holes. In that case, you should feel to punch them in their vaginas/penises with reckless abandon. Or simply walk out. The choice is yours.
• If you've gotten so bombed that you cannot drive yourself home and your host is gracious enough to allow you to stay, do not raid their cabinets and fridge after everyone has gone to bed. It's just rude. Imagine how disappointing it would be to you if you woke up the next day looking forward to eating your leftover taquitos only to discover that your a-hole houseguest ate them all!

In conclusion, once again, we are awesome. Contrary to what some people may think. Not mentioning any names.

Now onto this week's baseball notes. Both the Reds and Giants have clinched Division titles while the Nationals have clinched a playoff berth for the first time since the franchise's inception. Go Nats! On the subject of the Nationals, Gio Gonzalez notched his 20th victory against the Brewers yesterday. Gonzalez lasted 7 innings and allowed only 2 unearned runs on 3 hits. Gonzalez is MLB's first 20-game winner this season. For that, we've given Gio TBB Super Hero of the Week honors.

Both RA Dickey and Jered Weaver notched their 19th wins this weekend. Both men have a shot at 20 with Dickey's next start coming on Thursday and Weaver's coming on Saturday.

Andy Pettitte made his first start since coming off the DL on Wednesday. Pettitte threw 5 scoreless innings with a total of 75 pitches in the Yankees' victory over the Blue Jays, helping to retain the Yankees' control over the red-hot Orioles in the American League East. We're so confident in the outcome of the regular season that we've already purchased tickets to game 2 of the Division Series at Yankees Stadium. Hopefully, we didn't just jinx the Yankees.

NFL Back to Football Run

What's this? NFL in the title of a baseball blog post? Have we lost our minds? Are we confused? Do we not know where to turn? No. We are just cocky a-holes that enjoy boasting about our pathetic accomplishments. Plus, we promised Auntiedukes that she'd be in the blog and by the power of Grayskull, she will be in this blog!!! Last week, we asked you who you'd most want to attend a dinner party with. For no reason other than the fact that Lisa is obsessed with attending one of Derek Jeter's. Apparently he has gold place settings. She's fascinated. It's disturbing that 2 people chose Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow. Neither one of them have anything interesting to say and Tebow doesn't even put out. Exactly what did you hope to gain by this experience? 2 people chose Jeter. These 2 invidividuals probably watched the same documentary that Lisa did. Eli Manning and David Wright each earned 1 vote. Here's the thing. While Jeter and the Douchebag Brothers earned 2 votes apiece, which trumps Wright's and Manning's 1 vote, 2-1 isn't much in terms of dominance. This means not a single New York golden boy garners enough passion from you people to warrant an influx of support. In all honesty, none of these men strike us as being the life of the party. In all of these instances, we're pretty sure that WE would be the entertaining ones in the mix, which is just sad. These are wealthy professional athletes. They should be fun and awe-inspiring, but they're not. We are. Those saps don't know what they're missing by not hanging out with us. Just ask Timmy. Timmy knows.

As you know, the evening before our drive from hell to DC to visit Nationals Park, we participated in the inaugural NFL Back to Football Run in Central Park with Auntiedukes, Small Fry, and two of Small Fry's cross-country track teammates. We ran under the team name, "The Intergenerationals" because we had a bevy of ages running with us, but for some reason, our team was unacceptable because the website never registered our team. The run was created to celebrate the start of the football season as well as to promote the NFL's foundation, Play60 and the course encompassed a 4-mile trail in the middle of the park beginning near the Strawberry Fields monument.

We met Auntiedukes and Small Fry near the start/finish line. But first, we took a few pictures of what we'd be soon running through. Leading to the start/finish line were flags representing each NFL team.

Auntiedukes had been nice enough to pick up our race bibs and Back to Football Run t-shirts ahead of time, but unfortunately forgot to pick up her own shirt.

While Auntiedukes went in search of the registration tent to pick up her shirt, we investigated the pre-race party. Boomer Esiason and Carton from WFAN did the pre-race commentary. Armani Toomer was in the house. So was the Vince Lombardi Trophy! We just wanted a picture OF the trophy, but there were some baby prostitutes in the area that wanted to press their breasts against the glass that the trophy was housed in. Weird.

Auntiedukes met us by the trophy and we headed back to the start line to get into our heats. Small Fry and her friends were in an earlier heat than us because they're super star road runners or something like that whereas we're lazy. We stood sandwiched between a bunch of other slow people talking about what we were going to eat after the race.

This is us waiting for Boomer to blow the horn to start the race ("it's always a guarantee that you'll find a hot girl in a Brady jersey" - Carton):

We had expected the runners to disperse a bit once the race got underway. While the crowd did thin out a little, we were forced to run in a crowd for the entire 4 miles. In fact, the crowd is one of the primary reasons the three of us ended up getting separated. We lost Auntiedukes at the first water station and then lost each other at the water station at the third mile marker. For at least half a mile, Serena couldn't figure out why Lisa was running up her ass or why Lisa wouldn't respond to her commentary. Finally, she looked over her shoulder and noticed that Lisa was NOT running behind her at all. In fact, the chick wasn't even a Giants fan. By that point, it was so dark that she couldn't even see where Lisa might have been. That last half mile was a lonely, quiet one. Lisa got to enjoy a conversation between two girls about their other friend who was cheating on her husband. Lisa couldn't help but think at the third mile maker that if this race had been a 5K, she'd be done by this point.

 

There was one final hill between the third and fourth mile that was brutal. Serena didn't think she'd make it until one of the pathetic cheerleaders announced that "this was the worst of it. After this, it's a flat run." Thank god. Lisa had to slow down and thought to herself, "what could possibly be worse than this? A dragon swooping down to eat me?" But the woman was right. That really was the worst of it. After that hill, it was a straight shot. Eventually, the top of the Dakota came into view over the treetops and you knew the end was near. You could see the bright lights from the finish line and hear the DJ playing music. It was at this time that adrenaline kicked in and Serena picked up her pace, passing one runner after the other. When she made the final turn and actually had the finish line in her sights, she broke into a sprint, desperate to be done with it. As she crossed the finish line, her legs felt like jelly and she heard Carton announce, "wow, that was some finish." She tried to stop to catch her breath and wait for Lisa and Auntiedukes, but a woman kept yelling at her to keep moving. What the sh*t? Like this woman had done anything physical all night. She was just standing there.

 

Back on the course, Lisa could also hear the music and see the bright lights. She once again thought she saw Jesus coming to her aid. She started to choke. Her lungs began to collapse or at least felt like they were collapsing. She wanted to cry because the finish line was so close, but she couldn't cry because she couldn't breathe. She continued to search for Serena alongside the trail to slap her high-five, thinking that Serena had already finished the run. She weezed across the finish line with her eyes squeezed shut. She too was yelled at for stopping. Eventually, we met up at the food/Gatorade stand. We inhaled bagels and plums like Hoover vacuums. Like there's a f*cking surprise. Soon after, Auntiedukes joined us as well.

 

This is us doing our victory poses like jackasses:

This is our crew:

Serena ended up finishing the race at 44 minutes, Lisa at 48, and Auntiedukes at 53. The cross-country team finished it in 2 minutes.

 

The race proved that Serena still had shin splints in her left leg, so our racing season is officially over. Our next race that we plan on running is the Run for the Wild at the Bronx Zoo sometime in April. This means we have several months to continue doing what we do. Not training and sitting on our asses while we drink beer and eat wings. Stay tuned. You may have animal costumes in your future.

 

Onto this week's baseball notes:

Andy Pettitte is scheduled to make his return on Tuesday. Holy f*ck balls. Serena nearly wet herself with excitement. He's only allowed to throw 70 pitches, but hopefully his return rights the pitching ship as CC Sabathia's return has done absolutely nothing but baffle Tigers Love Pepper...oh...and the Yankees. But who really cares about the Yankees when compared to Serena's fantasy lineup? Tigers Love Pepper has a guaranteed playoff spot whereas the Yankees do not. F*ck them.

 

Oakland A's Coco Crisp rode the bench on Sunday due to pink eye. There are very few things that grosses us out more the pink eye. The A's Clubhouse should be quarantined. We're not even sure why he was allowed within 100 yards of the stadium. He's like an outbreak monkey. It's narsty.

 

Clayton Kershaw has been scratched from today's game against the Cardinals due to inflammation in his right hip. The pitcher is scheduled to be sidelined indefinitely and will be seeing a hip specialist in New York on Tuesday.

 

Naturally, The Intergenerationals are super heroes of the week. Coco Crisp is a-hole of the week because he's disgusting. Go team!