Sunday, September 4, 2011

Operation Hot Brother

Derek Jeter and Minka are still broken up. Lisa thought it would be funny if we asked your thoughts on the subject of Serena marrying Jeter. Serena agreed to this poll under protest. This is the first time in a long time that each option had at least one vote AND the poll garnered more than 4 votes total. Either this poll was extremely popular or Serena is an excellent campaigner because we had 12 people leave feedback this week! 5 individuals agreed with Serena and voted, “Ew, gross. No. He’s such a giant pansy. Serena needs a man that can grow quality facial hair.” It’s true. She does. There was a tie between, “Yes, but only because he’s rich” and “Yeah, ok. It’s time to join Planet Earth. In what parallel universe would Serena land a dude like Jeter,” each option earning 3 votes. 1 person is sick (it is probably Lisa, who keeps denying that she voted) and chose, “Yes. Me thinks thou protest too much. You probably reallllllly like him!”

Sorry it took us so long to post today. We spent most of this day in the midst of Operation Hot Brother (the details of which cannot be discussed at this time). Needless to say, our day started at 12:00 and we’ve only begun the meat of this post at 8:30.

Speaking of Operation Hot Family Members, we participated in Operation Hot Mother on Friday night (please be aware that this has absolutely nothing to do with any relatives of ours because that would be creepy). This ass clown at the bar switched which television broadcasted the Yankees and Mets games. We had gotten there first and instructed George the Bartender to put the Mets on the television to the left because Lisa was sitting to the left and the Yankees on the television to the right because Serena was sitting to the right. This bald jack-a-loon in a plaid shirt sat down and made George switch televisions. Naturally, Serena yelled at George. George wanted to keep the peace so he asked Serena to “handle it,” which she was happy to do…because she likes picking fights after drinking a few beers apparently.

So Serena walked over to Mr. Bald Paul Bunyan and asked him, “Dude, WTF?” In order to agree to switch back the televisions, Mr. Bald Paul Bunyan quizzed Serena on her Yankees knowledge. It went something like this:
Bald Paul Bunyan: What is the Yankees pitching rotation?
(Keep in mind Serena had been drinking for quite some time at this point)
Serena: An a-hole, CC, Orson the Pig, Champagne Supernova, Phil Hughes, and some other guy
Bald Paul Bunyan: Uhhh…
Serena: What? That’s it, right? I got it right.
Bald Paul Bunyan: A-hole?
Serena: *disgusted groan and roll of the eyes* Yeah, AJ Burnett? Duh?
Bald Paul Bunyan: Who are the Yankees’ catchers?”
Serena: Cervelli and Martin?
Bald Paul Bunyan: Wow. That’s pretty good. Okay, I got a good one…
Serena: Is it about Derek Jeter? Because show me some f*cking respect.
Bald Paul Bunyan: What? No…
Serena: Cos’ he’s not even on my fantasy baseball team.
Bald Paul Bunyan: Uh, ok…
Serena: Well??? Let’s go!
Bald Paul Bunyan: Okay, who won the Home Run Derby?
Serena: Are you f*cking kidding me?
Bald Paul Bunyan: What?
Serena: Cano. And his daddy pitched to him.
Bald Paul Bunyan: Okay. I’ll ask him to change it.

Lesson learned? Don’t f with Serena when it comes to booze and the Yankees. Oh, and by the way? Lisa would’ve been able to answer all of these questions too and she’s a friggin’ Mets fan. Bald, plaid-wearing a-hole.

Prior to blogging, we ate lunch at Friday’s. Lisa surfed via her craptastic BlackBerry that she will soon be trading in to see if there was anything newsworthy for us to cover today. The conversation went as follows:
Lisa: Oh, CC got his 19th win
Serena (as she hungrily stuffed a mozzarella stick in her mouth like a velociraptor): So?
Lisa: He’s on your team.
Serena: No, he’s not. Justin Verlander got his 19th win already, so there.
Lisa (confused): Justin Verlander does not play for your team.
Serena: Yes, he does.
…(Lisa stares skeptically at Serena from across the table)…
Lisa: Tigers Love Pepper is not a real team. I was talking about the Yankees.
Serena: *insert blank stare*

Joe Girardi silenced buzz recently by announcing that the Yankees’ pitching rotation wouldn’t be changing any time soon, which we strongly disagree with. It should change. It should not include a certain blonde someone with tattoos and dinosaur drawings hanging in his locker. We’re not gonna name names, but it sounds like “BJ Aurnett.” No pun intended.

Remember Johan Santana? Yes! He’s still alive! Contrary to popular belief. The left-hander threw 2 innings in a rehab start yesterday afternoon. He allowed 1 run on 3 hits and struck out 2. He is supposedly scheduled to pitch another 3 innings of rehab on Friday. At this rate, the Mets can expect him to return in time for next year’s All Star Break. Sweet goodness.

In the words of The Police, “Don’t change, don’t change, don’t change the channel on me.”

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