Sunday, September 18, 2011

A Whole Lot of Sh*t Without Really Saying Anything

Based on the results of our poll, you people are a pack of sickos. We truly don’t even know what to say to you at this point. We asked what you thought Operation Hot Brother was all about and 3 of you actually felt that Lisa was in love with Brother. Are you insane? He’s but a child! He’s like a younger brother to Lisa! That’s almost incest. You people are just gross. 1 person thought we had to rescue Brother from a fire-breathing dragon, which is very noble of you to assume, but if we’re being completely honest here, Serena would probably try to adopt the dragon as a pet whereas Lisa would run away screaming. Note how there’s not much saving involved in either of those scenarios. 2 of you claimed that there was no Brother and this was just another stupid thing that the two of us have concocted. We’ll have you know that there IS a Brother! He’s listed in our TBB lingo page for f*ck’s sakes! Pay attention! Lastly, 2 people chose “you were searching long and hard for Dial hand soap.” This, our stupid friends, is the correct answer. Liquid Dial hand soap is an endangered species these days despite it being an American institution in the soap community. We had to visit 4 stores in order to find it.

The playoffs are just around the corner and we’re obviously a bit too late to talk about our playoff picks because teams have already starting clinching spots. However, we already knew that the Phillies were clinching the NL East. C’mon. We knew this in February when they decided to form a “historical pitching staff” (yes, we’re still making fun of Cliff Lee for that…in fact, we’ll probably keep making fun of him for this even after he retires). Tigers’ also clinched a playoff berth. At this stage, we feel pretty strongly that the teams currently sitting in the division lead spots are going to stay there (Yankees, Rangers, Brewers, and Diamondbacks).

It’s the Wild Card races that are going to be interesting. As previously stated, the Rays are making it EXTREMELY exciting in the American League. The Red Sox are currently leading the race by 3 games, but there’s a real possibility that the Rays can take it. The Rays have games against the Yankees (who they seem to beat all the time) and the Blue Jays to end the season, whereas the Red Sox are playing the Orioles and the Yankees. The Orioles are terrible and the Red Sox have enjoyed beating the Yankees with a wet towel this year. Okay, you know what? We take it back. In reviewing the schedule, there’s an excellent chance that the Yankees will royally screw this whole thing up and not even make it to the playoffs. If both the Red Sox and Yankees advance, win the Division Series, and end up facing each other in the Championship Series, the Red Sox are going to the World Series. Whoopidee doo! On the National League side, the Braves have a 4.5 game lead over the Cardinals. We just don’t foresee this changing.

Baseball Notes:
Because of September 11th, Major League Baseball moved the Mets/Nationals matchup up to the Sunday Night Baseball spot on ESPN. The players asked if they could wear FDNY and NYPD baseball hats to honor the first responders. The MLB declined this request claiming, “it was not part of league policy.” They were only allowed to wear the hats during batting practice. Sorry, but we just don’t buy it. This was pure corporate greed at its finest stepping in. It’s pretty clear that the only reason that the FDNY and NYPD hats weren’t allowed is that the hats are not issued by the MLB like the special edition hats that the players wear on Memorial Day and 4th of July (which the MLB has the audacity to charge the public $40/hat for), meaning that the MLB wouldn’t make a dime if the public suddenly felt inspired to purchase a FDNY or NYPD hat for themselves. Who wants to make a bet that next year the MLB releases special edition September 11th hats that the players WILL be allowed to wear and that we’ll get charged our first born child to buy them? If we’re wrong, Lisa will root for the Phillies and Serena will root for the Red Sox for the remainder of the 2012 season. We’ll post a photo of us wearing Phillies and Red Sox hats as proof. We won’t be happy about it, but we’ll do it.

Tuesday night was a very happening night in baseball land. Mariano Rivera recorded his 600th career save. While we can admit that this historical moment is important, guess what we chose to direct our intention on instead? Star Wars was released on BluRay this week, which probably gave you techno-geeks a hard on. To celebrate the phenomenon, MLB is offering Star Wars night at select stadiums. Tuesday was Star Wars night at Citi Field. Serena’s life clearly has no meaning anymore because she was unable to attend. This is what she missed:
F*cking storm troopers, wookies, and f*cking Darth Vadar. What is the point in living when you miss something this glorious? This obviously would’ve been the best night of her entire adult life. Could you imagine the pictures we would’ve posted to our blog from this f*cking event? F*cking amazing.

Yesterday, Rivera recorded his 601st save, bringing him one step closer to tying Trevor Hoffman’s all-time save record. This still doesn’t dull the pain of missing Star Wars night.

Joe Mauer is officially out for the season with pneumonia and as a result, basically screwed Tigers Love Peppers in the a-hole, so thanks for that. Does he have the weakest immune system ever? How the hell does someone just “get” pneumonia?

PS – the Jennifer Lopez Fiat commercial is extremely annoying. It certainly does not make us want to jump out of the sunroof of our Fiat that looks just like a Minicooper and dance with our papi.

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