Why Your "At Bat" Music Sucks Balls

Before we get into the crux of today's blog post, we have a little house keeping for you. We finally have airfare to St. Louis. Holy smokes, sports fans, it's true! We officially have travel arrangements for our stadium tour that's been planned for close to 6 months. Nothing like waiting til' the last minute. Huzzah!

Serena will be traveling up to Boston this weekend to visit Erin and they'll be checking out a game at Fenway (and mayyyyybe a stadium tour, if we can). You'll get a blog post on it, but not until next week. Lisa will decide whether or not you're worthy of a solo blog from her on Sunday, so if you want one, don't piss her off between now and then. Also, it would help if you buttered her up. Just sayin'.

So now for tonight's topic. Have you ever been to a game and noticed that your favorite players have terrible taste in music? Why doesn't someone quality control that shit? If we were in charge of DJ-ing duties at Yankees Stadium or Citi Field, some of that garbage would simply not fly. For example, Brett Gardiner and John Buck have god awful taste in music. It's truly terrible. In fact, at our last Mets game, Serena made a comment about stabbing a screwdriver through her eardrum rather than listen to it. Even TOWSNBN has made poor choices in this arena (and also in his personal life, but we're not going to go there right now). The man comes to the plate to The Luniz's "I Got 5 On It," which is basically about smoking weed. We're willing to ignore the fact that TOWSNBN has obviously embraced smoking weed, but we're not willing to ignore the fact that he's white. When you are as caucasian as TOWSNBN, you should stop pretending that you're a "gangsta" and admit that you listen to AC/DC, Kid Rock...or Dido. Therefore, to combat this never ending issue, we've decided to offer better alternatives to what these idiots think is quality "pump me up" music.

When choosing your "at bat" music, you want to choose a song that not only pumps you up, but us up as well. Because we're selfish. We want to cheer you on and spit foul things at the opposing team on your behalf. When you step up to the plate, listening to The Bieber, it makes us question your sexuality. It does not make us think, "KICK HIS ASS, C-BASS!" Please do not defend these poor decisions with "oh, but I have young girly fans" or "oh, but I have a 5 on my jersey." For starters, you're a child molester if that's your mentality and secondly, just stop. If every player came to the plate to music featuring his jersey number, we'd end up listening to a crap-ton of Sesame Street songs. Also, if you've been coming to the plate to same F*CKING song for the last 4 years, you need to change it up. We're now bored with you. We don't care if your song is super awesome. Stop being a boring lame ass. If you're from New York, you'll no longer be coming to the plate to Jay-Z and/or Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind." Enough already. We've had enough. Note: if we cannot understand the lyrics to your "at bat" song, we cannot get motivated to support you. We're not pointing fingers at anyone in particular, but we DO want to point out that we were super excited about disposing of Carlos Beltran and his music catalogue and now we have Ruben Tejada. Interpret that as you will.

Here are examples of acceptable songs to saunter up to the plate to:

• Anything by AC/DC is encouraged. Everyone (or at least 98% of the human population) knows their songs and they're bad ass.
• You can come out to rap music (not you, TOWSNBN, YOU need to stick to a different genre), but it's gotta be a good song! Puff Daddy's "Come with Me," in which he musically raped Led Zeppelin fans everywhere, is NOT acceptable. If you want to rock out to the instrumental hook of that song, just go with the original (aka: "Kashmir"). Why not Eminem's "Til' I Collapse," Tupac's "California Love," Kanye West's "Ni**as in Paris," Biggie's "Hypnotize," or Dr. Dre's "Next Episode?"
• Aerosmith - "Rag Doll" or "Love in an Elevator"
• Guns N Roses "Welcome to the Jungle." If this song doesn't get a person pumped, they're a corpse.
• Metallica's "Sad But True"
• Beastie Boys' "Brass Monkey," "Sabotage," or "So What'cha Want"
• Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"
• Incubus' "Nice to Know You"
• Disturbed's "Down with the Sickness"
• Ram Jam's "Black Betty"
• Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name"
• Trapt's "Headstrong"
• House of Pain's "Jump Around"
• Finally, if you can't make a decision, your best bet is to just go with a movie theme. Try the Top Gun anthem, Rocky Balboa anthem, the James Bonds theme (let's face it, he gets more ass than a proctologist, so you're safe with him), Batman, The Imperial March, or The A-Team. Just a few examples.

This week's baseball notes:
The Yankees have put Serena's Big Texan on the 15-day DL with a strained left trapezius muscle. For those of you unfamiliar with the inner-workings of your body, that muscle is located in your upper back area. While we suppose that you can strain or pull or tear or whatever ANY muscle in your body, how the hell do you strain the trap muscles? We've never heard of such a thing. We can't even imagine how you go about straining those particular muscles. The man was not practicing advanced yoga asanas on the mound when he sustained this injury, so what the hell? The Big Texan is the 13th player the Yankees have placed on the DL this year. This has prompted a slew of crap about how the Yankees so-called "magic" is going to hold up. Listen here, a-holes. The Yankees do not have "magic." If Harry Potter was currently on the active roster, trust us when we say that we'd already have those jerseys. How do you NOT buy that jersey? You know he's going to be unhittable and an epic offensive player (Yeah, that's right. On his off days, he'd patrol the outfield on his broom and hit massive home runs). He defeated Voldemort for crissakes! Clearly, he can defeat the Boston Red Sox.

Zack Greinke made his first return to MLB action since being activated from the DL on Wednesday night against the Nationals. He threw 5 1/3 innings of 1-run ball over 83 pitches. He even got himself an RBI single. Lookie loo.

There's apparently an internet campaign brewing to give Mariano Rivera the honor of starting his last All Star Game (which is weird), but he politely declined, saying his prefer to close. He's quoted as saying, "It would mess everything up. It would be the first time I've started, I think, since 1995. I don't think it would be right. I'd rather close the game than start the game."