Sunday, April 22, 2012

Rain Out

So Serena found Guido-Fest 2012 near Yankees Stadium last week and asked if you thought Lisa would ditch the May 19th Yankees game to spend the rest of her days rubbing up against guidos. Only 2 of you bothered to reply and both of you agreed that Lisa will not be leaving Guido Mecca ever. This means that Serena will be attending the Yankees game alone…which is kind of sad and pathetic. Is there anyone out there that would be willing to sit for a full 9 innings with Serena and eat hot dogs? Maybe drink a little beer? No one seems to think that Lisa will be so overwhelmed by the onslaught of fist pumping that she’ll literally combust and need to be escorted from the bar.
Allow us to share with you our Sunday evening. There is no baseball. It’s pouring out, so we can’t even walk to the bar like we’d planned. Though technically, Serena has more booze in her fridge than food, so we’re not sure why we’d even need to bother going to a bar. We’ve just wasted several hours being sucked into the Real Housewives of New Jersey marathon instead of blogging. Serena turned off the television when the Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Reunion special came on in an effort to promote a more efficient work environment. Now all we hear is the pitter patter of the rain on the roof and Lisa’s complaints that Serena took away her only happiness by turning off the television.  Even as Serena types this, Lisa is still muttering about the Real Housewives and how she’s definitely going to watch “Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding.” This has turned into an all too depressing affair of hoodie sweatshirts and listening to sad, poetic music like “Sometime After Midnight.” There is one funny factoid about tonight’s rainout that makes us laugh and that is the fact that since Roberta’s entire fantasy lineup is made up of the New York Mets and Yankees, she had no one to start today and Lisa’s “The Asstastic Bunch” finished Week 3 out by demolishing the Riverdale Rebels. Insert evil, victorious laugh.

Now we’re drinking hot tea, which is less sexy than sucking down a cold one at The Main Event and perhaps chowing down a tasty burger. Such a lame Sunday.

For just two minutes, let’s talk about Barry Zito. We’re flabbergasted. Where in the hell does he get off pitching like a jack wagon for all these years and then suddenly pull out of his ass a complete game shut out? What’s even more confusing is that the performance was apparently not a fluke! He’s continuing to perform up to his contract…so far. He pitched a solid 7 innings in his second start and 5 innings in his last start against the Mets on Friday night. He has an ERA of 1.71 in 21 innings pitched with 10 strikeouts. What is happening here? What in the hell did he do in this offseason that is so different from past offseasons that he’s now able to pitch again? We know he got married and we know that at this wedding, he sported a comb-over. Is married life really treating him this well? What is his wife made of? Beer and hot wings?? Oh, wait, no. That’s what OUR husbands are going to taste like…she probably tastes like sugar and spice and everything nice.

This weekend was the celebration of Fenway Park’s 100th birthday. How did the Red Sox commemorate this occasion? By sucking the fat one. And we mean fat. How do you blow a 9-run lead in the 7th inning? How? That’s worse than anything we’ve ever done and let us tell you, we’ve done some pretty stupid sh*t. Well…you know. You’ve read all about it on this blog. In conjunction with its birthday celebration, we’ve been seeing a lot of brouhaha on television and in the paper about why Fenway is so great. Its nostalgia, history, blah, blah, blah. And it’s all true. It is a great piece of history. However, if you’ve read our post about our visit to Fenway, you’ll know that we think that the stadium needs a face lift. Particularly in regards to seating and comfort. It seems that we’re not the only ones with this attitude toward Fenway. Rays’ designated hitter, Luke Scott described the stadium as a “dump,” which is way more terrible than anything that we ever said about the place. Scott meant it in regards to a facility to work at as a ball player, but nevertheless, the comment ruffled a few feathers. We’ll take it one step further. Fenway is an unattractive ballpark and we’re sorry, but it’s not the best old-time stadium. Wrigley Field is. It has retained its historic, nostalgic feel, while updating certain amenities for the comfort of their fans, AND it’s a cute mother f*cking stadium! It’s flippin’ adorable! It’s like being transported to another planet! Another planet called Wrigleyville! Going to Fenway is like being transported to a green warehouse where you may or may not become the victim of a mafia hit.

In addition to the Red Sox’s anal raping that took place yesterday, Phil Humber threw the 21st perfect game in MLB history against the Mariners in the White Sox 4-0 victory. He managed to do this while only throwing 96 pitches.

AJ Burnett…remember him? Our ex? Well, that douchenozzle left us and the Yankees to perform like he’s Iron Man for the Pirates!! Today, he tossed 7 scoreless innings, allowing 3 hits, and recording 7 strikeouts. Thank you, Mr. Burnett, for being absolutely useless to us in New York. We really appreciate it. Best wishes on your future endeavors, you a$$hat. Burnett became the first Pirates pitcher since 1907 to pitch at least 7 scoreless innings and record 7 strikeouts. Either the Pirates are really that god awful to have such a pitiful history or Burnett is now a legit super hero with super powers. Or it’s a combination of both. Time will only tell. Stay tuned for further rantings on this subject.

In the highly intelligent words of Melissa Gorga, “The Red Sox are on display, on display each and every day, every day. Bobby V. is waiting for them to win, but they keep on crawling, and people keep hating on them, hating on them.”

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